kiss my lips
tell me i'm pretty

grab my thighs
tell me you miss me

clutch my hips
tell me I'm your only one

look me straight in the eyes
tell me you need me

break my heart
and tell me you love me.

i miss the way fingertips felt against my cold skin
the soft touch that only a lover can provide
the kind of touch that can melt icebergs and start wildfires
i miss the sweet sound of whispered words that could start a revolution and the goosebumps that came with each mumbled "i love you"
i miss the feeling of drifting off in a pair of arms that transformed an embrace into a home and made a safety net around me as if protection could only exist within this space between fingertips and other ligaments
i miss the feeling that you provided
i miss the feeling of being wanted
i miss loving something, someone
i feel as if i have lost all sense of direction

we are fire
i am the orange ember, the coldest part of the flame
you are the white hot tip of at the head of the match head
it sometimes flickers blue

you are blue
i hate blue, i always have
i am red
making purple sounds like a delightful endeavour
but i am reminded of the love bite (why are they called that)
that you left
it was purple, it hurt for weeks
it turned green

i hate you.
i hate blue.
i hate the white flame.

is it possible to see a person
every day, every hour
in every aspect of life
and still never get tired of seeing them?
is it possible to get the same
production of emotions each time you even
think of their being? or their laugh? or any aspect of them?
is it possible that every time i lay my eyes on you
i only fall deeper and deeper?
is it possible, to not get your heartbroken by the idea of not being anything, but having someone who is everything?

he'll call you pretty
he'll capture you with the sparkle of his brown eyes
and melodic laugh that'll ring in your ears for days
after the moment passed

things will escalate
your heart will race each time you hear his name
you'll admit to liking him
he'll say he feels the same

his lips will taste like honey
you'll love the taste, it'll be your  new favourite flavour
but honey gets too sickly when you eat too much

he'll call you good girl
then you'll realise,
you're not the only one who's been eating honey.

if i am graced to have a daughter
i want her to be a fool, a beautiful little fool.

a fool in the sense that she dreams too big
i hope she runs head first into a multitude of hopes for what she wants to be
i hope she runs around with her little legs carrying her weight telling everyone that when she's ten, oh when she's ten, she'll be the queen of every nation and that the people will sing twinkle twinkle as a global anthem

a fool in the sense that she rushes into things
never looking before she leaps, just diving straight in
leaving behind a trail of mass destruction with her tiny hands all stemming from that beautiful little mind of hers

a fool in the sense that she so easily falls in love
from falling in love with a cartoon character to falling in love with herself
but not just falling in love, giving the love back onto whoever she deems it fit for

i hope she's a fool
because by being a fool she will live a life that meets it's greatest potential
and that beautiful little fool will be just like her mother
a fool for whatever life has to offer

july 24, 2018, 12:37 am
my mind is constantly fixated on you
the idea of you
the idea of us, repeating over and over
spinning like a broken record, the same melody on repeat but the scratches make it sound different each time
i don’t know why you’re still on my mind, or why you have been for the last six months..
i can’t escape it
even when you weren’t here I still couldn’t escape you, you are everywhere, you are everything
i can’t live without something retracing my steps back to you, the never ending cycle
i wish i could outrun the patterns, but the marathon sprinter in me has been bolted down to the concrete, never to escape
i don’t know what it is that i cannot escape
is it you? is it my fleeting hope to ever move on?
i think my heart isn’t letting me escape the love i have for you
i can’t escape it
i can’t escape you

the knife i held in my hand
the blood that poured from my chest
both crimson red, just like the blood that drips from my worn down finger tips when i clutched the thorns on the roses you gave to me, valentine’s curse
an open wound, cut in the shape of a heart
the doorway to my now empty rib cages that once housed the heart that beat solely for me

hand dyed crimson
is that my blood? or is that now your blood too?
vertigo symptoms
i can feel the heart beating in my palm
i place it on the gilded platter
i hand the platter to you
here is my heart
it beats only for you
it will love you for as long as you let it
please cherish it, treat it kindly
it is yours now, do with it what you wish

you took the knife from my hand and stabbed it
the room became silent, the beating had died out
with the disappearance of the beat, i disappeared with it.

with each word that you speak
i am paralysed with a fear i have never felt
frightened by each syllable because i can never tell if you mean the words that drip like poison from your lips

your eyes send shocks through my body
my bones are cracked from the electrocution of the fear surging in my veins, striking everything it comes into contact with like lightning

you as a being haunts me, your very soul possesses mine and while the horror of what you evoke inside of me is a nightmare coming to life
you make me feel like morticia addams, i crave the fright.

oh darling this is all but a dream
you filling my heart with kerosene
dropping a match and engulfing me in flames

but all fires die, and you don't feel the same

you tell me pretty things
things i craved to hear long ago
you admit to still feeling something and you know that’s enough to convince me to do anything
you give me that look
the look that sends chills all over, the look that could make me **** a man without hesitation
you lean in, i do the same
our lips lock
things escalate
you hands roam
i don’t complain
soon enough you’ve got what you wanted, well for now that is
i go over again, the next day
we do the same show
except this time it’s for your pleasure and my hands roam
i leave
you tell me how good i was
and now here we are
you’re asking for the one thing i am still afraid of
jokingly saying i owe you after four months of waiting
the joke stings
because i know that i’ll give this to you
and you’ll leave
you’ll get what you want and simply just
move on
and i’ll be left, all alone
crying into my cookie dough
questioning why i let you back in
i hope i was satisfactory to your needs

i slept with my phone on last night
clutched it tight in my hand as i tried to fall asleep
regretting the topic i brought up but hoping to feel the heartbeat simulation
the vibration set to your contact buzz in the palm of my hand
waiting for answers knowing that you weren’t doing the same when i wasn’t replying
realising that i have destroyed any possible non platonic feeling you have for me by bringing up the pain that’s festered inside for three weeks
i slept with three blankets on last night
still shivering cold from anxiety
the cold didn’t vanish even when i added more blankets
i slept with a hope last night
a hope that you’d realise in the morning that even after this fight i’m still worth it
a hope that your fear of committing would vanish and you’d come to your senses
i still hold the hope tight, as i did my phone when i fell asleep last night.

I let you in

I let the poison take over my body

I let your soul control mine

you cut the flowers from the garden inside me and left only the weeds.

You had me breathing my last breaths and then left, and now

there is a little flower growing inside me.

you got what you wanted
after months of waiting you received the one good thing i had left to offer
why won't you leave
i've built myself up ready for you to leave, and yet you stay
i don't know why you're still here
nothing is keeping you tied down to me, no physical strings
i've prepared myself for your departure
my heart cannot withstand loving you for much longer
when it knows that all you love me for is the things my body can do to yours and not the beauty that lives within it
yet you stay and with each passing second i love you more and more
every hour becomes more torture
and i know deep down that you'll leave
because i am just another girl you liked the look of
a nice statement piece in your bed
a tiny but sturdy frame to clutch onto
another kiss in the dark and barely a wave hello in public
but even though i know all of this to be true
you're still here and i, i still am in love with you

his heart yearns for the blood of your love.

his lips long for the sickly sweet taste of the drug that burns his throat, the only love he has ever known.

the only drug that has ever entered his blood stream and intoxicated his body.

An addiction so strong it kills him slowly, from the inside.

withdrawal symptoms so strong he forgets everything he learned him rehab and relapses.

kiss my lips
soft like velvet
sickly sweet
like the lies you whisper to me

play with my thorns
pluck my petals away
like you do with every other
pretty pink rose you pass by


hypnotise me
make me chase you down the rabbit hole
desert me in a chaos of my own creation

love me.
for no one else does

To my first love,
you broke me, you left me. You loved me, I'd like to believe all the times you told me you loved me you meant it.
You're not reading this, I know you're not and I know you haven't read any of my poems. They're give you insight into my mind that you never could understand.

You did push me though, you pushed me to write, so I guess I should thank you for the heartbreak, it's let me create art.

This isn't a poem, this is a letter. One addressed to the source of my poems, I love you and I know it's true. And I know that I'll never forget you.

sleep deprived and head on overdrive. heart racing a mile a minute at the thought of you and i.
la vie en rose, blissfully tragic.

microscopic turmoil
a distruption in the ripple of time
somehow the stars have aligned
a chaotic miracle, a change of destiny
the love story of two starcrossed lovers
with an ending never here before witnessed
the inmorata and inmorato no longer have to hide their amour
starcrossed lovers have become star aligned
oh what a waste of a beautiful time.

for eyes are only eyes
until you look deep into them
memorise the colours
notice all the flecks of gold
see the soul inside

for eyes are only eyes
until you fall in love
with their owner.

somwhere in the world
a small girl sits in a classroom while the teacher tells the class that they won't be reading Maya Aneglou because of it's sensitive content
while later that day the same small girl goes home to a father who binds her wrists so tightly to the bed, her veins almost burst. His sick fantasy gone wild and she'll never read about someone who survived.

somewhere in the world
little boys run wild, with smiles on their faces
ignorant to teh chaos around them
these little boys look so happy, to the untrained eye
but look around them, they're actually running for their lives.

somewhere in the world
a mother watches a family through a restaurant window throwing away full course meals with tears in her eyes wondering if she'll be able to feed the kids tonight

somewhere in the world
lovers hide, in fear of being found out that they are not of different sexes and that they are of different races
petrified of being punished for what everyone else sees as a crime
or even worse, not making back to their beloved alive

somewhere in the world,
a little girl asks if daddy is ever gonna come back
and she wonders why he's gone in the first place because no one ever told her that daddy never loved her.

somewhere in the world,
the restless lie awake at night fighting battles with their demons
fumbling open a bottle of jack or a pharmacy vial of xanax
wondering how fast they'll take away the pain

across the world
there is sin, all seven of them
pouring out of every thing that inhabits the earth

somewhere in the world
there is a someone who will erupt the revolution
and we're all patiently waiting for the anarchy to begin.

slow things down
live in the present of you and i, colliding in ways that previously seemed to be long over, an unforeseen fate
committing acts two beings platonically could never do
the idea of me and you once more, but an actual romance in act two
causing headache from inhaling all the smoke signals
does he want me or does he love me?
"best friend" being thrown around after doing things no two best friends would ever think of doing, avoiding the topic at hand of what even is this mess we've created
we're both without love, both have typical teenage desires, might as well have some fun while being alone
i don't know how much longer i can do this without falling straight back into square one of loving you

a copious amount of flavours have touched my tastebuds
and left my lips feeling some sort of way

but none will ever compare to the way your lips tasted like a mixture of sweet cream and honey
and left my lips feeling soft for days after

this scares me
it scares me that I may never find a taste so sweet
and that my lips may never feel as soft as they did after being graced by your kiss

emptiness fills my body
the nothingness spreads throughout my bloodstream
a sense of numb starts to become apparent in my brain, almost as if my body is preparing to die

dip your brush in your sorrows
cover it in doubt and depression
paint your canvas in scars and messages of self hate
take a good look at the “masterpiece” you made.

grab a cup of water, cleanse your ***** brushes.
notice how all the black paint you have covered yourself in washes away.
dip the brush in a new found colour, the colour of happiness.
paint your canvas golden, show it what love is, love you have found within.
this is the true masterpiece.

chaos erupts like a fire inside my mind
self destructive habits roaming my brain like a familiar terrain
I have become acquainted to the lack on control I have over my mind
i want control, but my body has given up trying to fight the demons inside
I am tired, I am scared.
I am not mine, I am my mind’s.

please stop making my hands shake
please stop sending my head into a miserable headache
please stop confusing me with smoke signals
please stop giving me mixed signals
please stop making my heart race at 100 miles per hour, it can't take the speed
don't tell me a fabricated truth and then retract back as if nothing ever happened
i was over you, i am over you, but you cannot come back and admit to still feeling something
i cried too many tears to have my heart thrown into the road and ran over like road **** and devoured by the vultures all over again
i can't believe i'm ever in contemplation of ever accepting an us again
please stop throwing rocks at my window and begging me to let you in, i'm not some helpless princess anymore
please, make up your and and stop tormenting mine

vices to counter balance our virtues
inhale nicotine smoke into decaying lungs
drown your liver in poison that burns as it goes down your throat but tastes like an angel’s kiss on your lips
roll dices in emerald green tables, throw down triple aces and the queen of hearts, gamble your heart away, what good has it done anyway?

glutinous coping mechanisms
vices supplied by satan himself
disguised in angelic fashions to hide the truth of our vices

hearts aligned in ways the starts dream of
a love so pure
a love turned tragic
two star crossed lovers
took their lives
hearts still aligned
but the stars
no longer
shined

though we believe
time stops,
for the every so present perfecto momento

the clocks keep on ticking
seconds keep passing
hours are still being churned out
and one day
the perfect moment,
isn't perfect.

my heart still breaks each time i think of you
tears still form each time you cross my mind
why does it still hurt so badly? why can i not get over?

i wish i could crawl out of my skin
each time i look in the mirror i can still see each part of myself that you loved the most
i still see love burning bright in my eyes
i wish the fire would ******* die

i wish i could stop being
if i wasn't me i wouldn't think of you
no recollection of any part of the wonder of you
i wish i could forget, i wish amnesia would hit

why does my heart still beat for you?
why would i still do everything you ever asked?
why is it so easy to fall in love but so horrible to fall out of?
why can't i forget everything i love about you and move on? you've done it easy enough

i can still feel my heart breaking
even i type each letter i can still feel my heart breaking
all i ever really feel anymore is my heart breaking
i didn't think it could continue, i thought all the pieces were already shattered

you liked to live life in the fast lane
speed straight down highways, no slowing down
no brakes, no time to hesitate
no time for limitation on your desire to obtain your preoccupations

you liked to focus on the present for a short while
until the now signalled its change to the slow lane and began driving the speed limit and you could no longer race it
from then, it was pretending to care while searching for the next body type
no two were exactly alike, you always had a hunger for a new rev in the engine
sooner rather than later, the present became a distant memory that you left stranded on the side of the highway and you took the driver's seat in a new model that you should've taken passenger's in

you did always enjoy revisiting your antiques though
they were the ones you knew were too attached to forget you
until one day, your most prized possession refused to turn on its headlights and refused to run for you
and thus began the inhalation of your premium body type collection

off to the races speed demon, good luck finding another car to race

patriarchy of love and deep desire has taken ahold of my heart once more.

the tyranny of sadness and despair has made its rule ever so present over my entire body and soul.

the whimsical peace of happiness, that has made itself a mirage once again.

this is the world inside.

dear you,
I don’t know why I still write about you, whatever we had cease to exist, but I guess that’s another concept I cannot wrap my head around.
Half of me screams out that I’m over you, and the other half is still very much in love with you, quite the turmoil you’ve created within my heart.
Some days you don’t cross my mind, and others you’re all my mind wanders to.
Everything reminds me of you though, in some aspect at least.
I cannot stop associating things with the golden haired boy who was the physical form of sunshine with the dazzling blue eyes that looked like the ocean.
The sun feels different now, I hate to go outside and feel it because it makes me feel how you did, you were the sun, you still are.
The ocean makes me sick and pitiful, when I go near I a tempted to drown myself in its glisten, the glisten that’s shared with your eyes.

I still care for you, with all of my heart.
I always find myself wanting to tell you certain things like “you should get some sleep darling it’s getting late” or “I hope you’ve eaten good today” or simply asking if you’re okay, but I stop myself because that’s not my position any longer.

I want to stop loving you and I promise I will eventually
the idea of you is still every much infatuated by my heart
my god i promise to stop loving you, we’re different people now.

I promise,,

Smile
                         Smile
remember to  smile
don't show the        dark
just                   smile
how can I        smile    if I Feel like I'm dying inside?
                         SMILE
just pretend to  smile

she’s still an angel
even if her heart is shattered into pieces on the ground
and the tears pouring down her face and sobs escaping her lips make her face all red and puffy
she is still an angel

when she cries, she cries but the tears that flow look like a beautiful waterfall
when she’s blue,her eyes fill with hopelessness but in those hazel eyes there is still a sparkle that no one can ever deny
when she smiles, oh when she smiles she lights up the world, not even the sun can shine so bright
she is forever golden; even when her heart is pumping out blood tinted black and blue from all the emotional abuse
she is still golden, and she will always be an angel.

boys are mindless, they're like bulls

they see two flags, one that's being tossed around violently in the air and one that is being fluttered about gently
they are used to the one that flutters, they've seen it being waved violently, that's how it first got their attention. but the violent wave can only last so long, the matador will eventually get tired of violently waving the flag and it will get used to the bull's temper and only wave it violently when it needs to
the bull takes longer to recognise that just because the matador is fluttering the flag, doesn't mean that the violent wave is gone. it's just being kept for when it is needed most. so the bull, only being drawn to what the surface level shows, leaves the fluttering flag and the matador and charges towards the violently flowing flag.

but, little does the bull know that that flag will soon end up fluttering too because no flag waves violently forever and when the bull realises this, they will realise the mistake they made when they left the first matador and run to the flag that has a sword hidden underneath.

with each word that you speak to me
i am blindsided with a false reality
that there is still and us and we never ceased to be
but then i am reminded that those words that drip from the lips i once kissed
are from a platonic tongue that i do not want to know just yet
i’m still clinging onto a dialectic of romance that had kissed after each syllable and made my heart melt with each phrase
this change in language i cannot accept and it hurts too much to be exposed

there once was a time
when love was the greatest mystery known to man
when husbands and wives
didn't **** their baby sitters and ruin their children's lives
when flowers were given as a token of flattery and not an excuse for an apology

there once was a time
when you and i, partook in this mystery
where our hands were intertwined
and our hearts fluttered at the same time

but that was a long time ago
and i know
all the secrets.

your eyes were the thing that got me hooked, the first dose of your drug. then, you made me feel special and worth something, the second dose; the addiction was growing. and as time progressed, my addiction grew and my vision became fuzzy, and you became all of me. that's when I overdosed. and now you're gone and I'm just an addict with a pen. I think it's time to become sober. my dear darling of a drug, this is where the pain stops and you become nothing but a memory and I begin to detoxify.

i feel like we are on two different continents separated by a body of water too deep for either of us to cross with bare feet
too rough for any boat to try and defeat, the waves will enclose it in a blanket of salt and misery
simultaneously conjuring up treacherous winds that **** planes and helicopters in with a whirlpool of melancholy
the tides are undecided, constantly changing from low to high but as of late the high tides are taking over and my continent is drowning in a sea of confusion and despair
i cannot breathe, my land is being ****** away, each rise and retreat of the sea taking mountains with it, destroying what once was a beautiful bliss of serenity
the ocean
the ocean makes me fearful, makes me wreathe in my decaying skin (too much exposure to salt’ll do that to you)
the ocean is what our love has decimated to.

clouded head pounding with a sense of regret
is it regret? or is it a yearning for  what I once had?
confused by your sudden actions, you keep tugging at heart strings that are almost threads, barely holding together
head spinning, this room I sit in seems to be shrinking, the dark seems to overtake the little light that spills in under the space between the door and hard wooden floors
clutching my head in agony, my heart is screaming at the pain you inflict on tugging at the strings
i feel a slice, cut the strings in half, the pain comes to a halt
a brief numb overcomes my body, a silence instills in the room
and then out of thin air, just like your change of mind, all of the pain floods into my veins and I scream out into the abyss
oh the things you can inflict upon me.

i crave a love so pure
a love in which angels
sing from the heavens above
a true love
but true love isn't really true
the angels won't sing down to hell.

her tired eyes have seen the most beautiful sunrises and sunsets
pinks yellows and purples, hues of what true happiness must be
she begins to see in the colour schemes of sunsets and sunrises
blind sighted by her own la vie en rose

his bright eyes see in shades of grey
clouded by the thunderstorms with the most beautiful lighting display
that his eyes have grown accustomed to

their perspectives disturbed by natural phenomena
not representative of their heart's bona fide notion
her tired eyes do not reflect the sunrise, she pulls up the blind relunctantly each day and night because she cannot be anything but the sunshine girl
his bright eyes, hidden by the storms that do not rage inside, but he concocts them nevertheless because no one wants to see a bright eyed boy

weeds now fill the space in my heart where roses once bloomed
the bees no longer give me honey, all the sunflowers that gre from my mind
exterminated by your pesticide
my iris eyes are now petaless, they've all been cried

you killed the flower garden
i am now a wasteland of wilted weeds and broken memories.

you and i may not ever be
but i'd like to think
that somewhere we'd
be star crossed lovers

A chaotic mess of star dust


deep down i'd like to
believe that someday
there will be
a you and me

i am mine before i am yours
but i cannot hold myself up the way you hold me
my knees buckle and i fall without your arms to support my fragile being
but you will not always be there to hold me up
so i must, learn how to stop my buckling knees collapsing underneath me