it’s 5:52 and my first thought is obviously of you
my eyes are wide and i go online to see if there’s any possibility of conversing
the first thing my eyes see are two sentences that my heart cannot withstand
the realisation that you’re moving on and i’m still stuck in heartbreak land
why is it that the good ones always hurt you the most but move on the quickest?
it’s 5:55 and at this point my mind is racing
flashbacks to a time that seemed to be golden
the first instinct to draw a crimson red because you still provoke a sickening anxiety oh how my head is in agony
but i suppress, knowing that i shouldn’t have to ask myself if that’s my blood.
and you answer, and somehow i forget what i 5:52 brought me

nights i used to spend lying awake are now spent in a slumber i never want to arise from
the detriment of sleeping for more than eight hours has since vanished, that's what sadness can do to a body
the exhaustion that comes from factors of my brain that i cannot control and a pain so deep rooted in the cavities of my heart propel me into a twelve hour slumber that feels like twelve minutes
dragging my feet on the ground like deadweight, my god i am deadweight
deprivation of serotonin can **** ones strength and energy, i have never been so tired
heartbreak throws a body into a boxing ring and tells it to fight the champ, while the body has been starved of all life
exhaustion has become my new state of being, someone save me please.

dear you,
I don’t know why I still write about you, whatever we had cease to exist, but I guess that’s another concept I cannot wrap my head around.
Half of me screams out that I’m over you, and the other half is still very much in love with you, quite the turmoil you’ve created within my heart.
Some days you don’t cross my mind, and others you’re all my mind wanders to.
Everything reminds me of you though, in some aspect at least.
I cannot stop associating things with the golden haired boy who was the physical form of sunshine with the dazzling blue eyes that looked like the ocean.
The sun feels different now, I hate to go outside and feel it because it makes me feel how you did, you were the sun, you still are.
The ocean makes me sick and pitiful, when I go near I a tempted to drown myself in its glisten, the glisten that’s shared with your eyes.

I still care for you, with all of my heart.
I always find myself wanting to tell you certain things like “you should get some sleep darling it’s getting late” or “I hope you’ve eaten good today” or simply asking if you’re okay, but I stop myself because that’s not my position any longer.

I want to stop loving you and I promise I will eventually
the idea of you is still every much infatuated by my heart
my god i promise to stop loving you, we’re different people now.

I promise,,

with each word that you speak
i am paralysed with a fear i have never felt
frightened by each syllable because i can never tell if you mean the words that drip like poison from your lips

your eyes send shocks through my body
my bones are cracked from the electrocution of the fear surging in my veins, striking everything it comes into contact with like lightning

you as a being haunts me, your very soul possesses mine and while the horror of what you evoke inside of me is a nightmare coming to life
you make me feel like morticia addams, i crave the fright.

my heart still breaks each time i think of you
tears still form each time you cross my mind
why does it still hurt so badly? why can i not get over?

i wish i could crawl out of my skin
each time i look in the mirror i can still see each part of myself that you loved the most
i still see love burning bright in my eyes
i wish the fire would ******* die

i wish i could stop being
if i wasn't me i wouldn't think of you
no recollection of any part of the wonder of you
i wish i could forget, i wish amnesia would hit

why does my heart still beat for you?
why would i still do everything you ever asked?
why is it so easy to fall in love but so horrible to fall out of?
why can't i forget everything i love about you and move on? you've done it easy enough

i can still feel my heart breaking
even i type each letter i can still feel my heart breaking
all i ever really feel anymore is my heart breaking
i didn't think it could continue, i thought all the pieces were already shattered

i wanted to know love so badly
craved it’s attention more than anything
begged every night to be met with love’s miraculous acquaintance
i wanted to know the beauty that love had to offer those it greeted

love and i met randomly
it was a spur of the moment encounter
but i guess in my pleas i wasn’t specific enough
i didn’t meet the love i had hoped for, the love i had pictured
i met the love everyone can never outrun, i was faced with unrequited

unrequited wears the same mask as love
for awhile, makes you think you’ve met true love
but after sometime
unrequited reveals its identity but you’re heart is too used to its mask to realise
and then one day, you’re struck with reality
and the mask of unrequited fades
and you’re left with a broken heart and a mistake

how do you make someone love you when they never did to begin with?
how can you show them the universe you crafted for them when it’s not your right to anymore?
how do you tell someone you love them in the first place?
what does it take for the human mind to realise the mistakes it has made?
would a sacrifice of a heart suffice? I suppose it’s too late for that
why do I repeat to myself over and over each part of you that made me fall s deeply in love?
why do I remind myself of each euphoric moment we had? just so reality can bear it’s fists and give me more bruises upon my ribs, they won’t protect what’s left of my heart much longer.
why must love do this? I thought it was sweet and kind, but I guess even the grind reaper has a disguise.

the sound of mortal terror ringing in thine eyes
the look of death greeting thy eyes, a look so beautiful that it disguises itself as love
the perplexity of its intoxication
entering the bloodstream through the heart
turning crimson blood black, slowly beginning to ****
slowing the beat of the hideous heart
until finally, the poison has overtaken
killing your softly, but all at once

to whatever lies in the cosmos i pray to thee
i pray with all of my dying breath that one day this pain will ease
i pray that i may find a love who will cherish thee and adore every part of me that you ceased to explore, but would implore that it would be mended to your satisfaction
oh heavenly beings above
i am disregarding my beliefs for your mircales
give me a love that is fair
give me a love that is kind
give me a love that for once in my life, isn't unrequited
oh hellish beings i wish i could loathe
keep your sins to yourselves and grant me some mercy
i have been through a lifetime of hell that my heart can no longer endure
oh to the intergalactic fortune holders
please rewrite mine to one that tells of a love so pure that shakespeare rises from the dead to see how the stars aligned

look at me
look at me as a person
look at me with a new perspective
i notice that when your eyes catch mine you tense up
shouldn’t i be the one cowering behind a defensive mechanism?

i can see something in your eyes
but the blue is too blinding and i am petrified to see how the look of the ocean has changed

why can’t you look at me in that way?
why can’t i stop looking at the ocean and admiring its waves?
why can’t i stop looking at you in the perspective that is no longer acceptable?
why can’t i simply stop looking at you? i’m always looking at you.
why can’t i stop looking for you? searching for you in every nook and cranny.
why can’t i stop wading through tsunami waves trying to find you once more?

look at me.
look at how the rings around my eyes have darken.
look at me.
look inside of my eyes.
see what love looks like inside my mind
when you see your reflection, step back
look around, look anywhere but at me
then look up
and realise what it’s like to look love in the eyes and tell it you don’t want to be infatuated with it anymore

the knife i held in my hand
the blood that poured from my chest
both crimson red, just like the blood that drips from my worn down finger tips when i clutched the thorns on the roses you gave to me, valentine’s curse
an open wound, cut in the shape of a heart
the doorway to my now empty rib cages that once housed the heart that beat solely for me

hand dyed crimson
is that my blood? or is that now your blood too?
vertigo symptoms
i can feel the heart beating in my palm
i place it on the gilded platter
i hand the platter to you
here is my heart
it beats only for you
it will love you for as long as you let it
please cherish it, treat it kindly
it is yours now, do with it what you wish

you took the knife from my hand and stabbed it
the room became silent, the beating had died out
with the disappearance of the beat, i disappeared with it.

c'est toi, c'est la vie
you are the light of my fire
the fire that burns so brightly in my eyes
the shock that makes my come back to life
the source of oxygen for my lungs
breathe you in and exhale you out
you taste like nicotine and cut like a knife
c'est toi, c'est la vie
it's you
it's you
it's you
it always has been
it's you, it's life
and you will forever be my c'est la vie

sorry I' not the girl who made your heart melt
sorry I couldn't be what you wanted
sorry I didn't want to drop to my knees and give life to your masculine ego
i'm sorry I couldn't make you fall in love with more than my body
i'm sorry I fell in love with you, that was so selfish of me to put you through the stress of having someone love you
I'm sorry all your friends yelled at you for breaking y heart, it's my fault after all that you broke it right?
I'm sorry that I'm trying to make you realise what a mistake this is
I'm sorry that I make you uncomfortable because when I look at you I know you can see my heart break more and more, as if that was even possible
I'm sorry I don't hide the fact that this destroyed me
I'm sorry I keep falling in love with you, I know it must be so difficult to have someone care about your every movement
I'm sorry I'm being so selfish with my own feelings and that I'm not already over you
I'm sorry that I still love you with every ounce of my soul and just want you to be happy
I'm sorry I care about you more than I care about myself
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
and most of al I'm sorry for saying sorry so many times, I know you're probably sick of hearing it because after all it is my fault this happened isn't it?
I'm sorry I keep saying sorry, once more, I'm sick of saying it.

there's a certain script each parent gives to their child
"the wonderful words of life" if you will
it tells you about thing things you should probably know that stems from their morals and values
but your parents never really tell you how life truly is
they'll never tell you how badly your first heartbreak will fell, they'll just tell you they'll be more, and eventually this pain will fade, as if that's supposed to be helpful
they'll never tell you what to look for in a good person, i mean you're supposed to figure that out yourself, but some guidelines would have saved me a hell of a lot of sleepless nights crying silently to myself over some crumby guy
they'll never tell you that you should be living life and not hiding, they won't outright say it but they'll force you to be social, which doesn't make things better, worse actually
you parents will never tell you how badly life will take you in its arms, hold you close and show you love and then throw you into the dust and ******* over, repeatedly
they'll never tell you what life is, because they don't know what you're life will be

october 7th: i saw your for the first time and i knew you were something special

october 25th: we had our first real interaction, i told you that you were “so tall”, you laughed and told me about a food fight you and marcus had previously engaged in

i don’t remember the exact date but i know it was sometime in november, the third i think, you and emma ended things and i remember finding out in reading class and throwing myself a silent fist bump and whispering “yes” to no one. happy that you were finally single and i knew that i wanted you.

from november to december i was trying to set you up with sage. you were oblivious to this obviously and i had my sights on someone else, a distraction from what i really wanted but didn’t realise until i yelled at sage “go out with harrison he’s nice and cute” and so forth and she yelled at me “why don’t you go out with him?” and i replied with “maybe i will.” in that moment i knew that you were what my heart desired.

december 23: the first time i tried to talk to you. i said you were lucky that you were in australia and you told me you were visiting home. you left me on read and i remember getting sad about it, but overlooking it afterwards.

january 4th: i chatted your story about cereal, from there we hit it off. The beginning of us was anything but platonic. i knew i had a crush on you after an hour of talking but you had no idea i existed up until that moment.

january 8th: things escalated that day, we established our feelings and mutual like to each other. whatever platonic feelings lay within us faded that day and we were.... us.

january 15th: the fatal first date. i looked a mess looking back on it but i remember our first kiss and i still relive that moment. the sun had never felt so good on my skin, and you, you were a dream and i was head over heels. i remember getting home and my entire family made fun of me but all i could do was smile. i hadn’t felt butterflies in awhile and it was petrifying.

every weekend there on after we were together and after awhile i became comfortable, the most comfortable i had ever felt around a boy. i remember falling into horror, i didn’t know what this feeling entailed until february 18th...

february 18th: the day i realised that you would be the first boy i ever fell in love with. i remember the moment vividly. we were waking back from coconut and you were walking in the road because the pavement was too dark and you were scared. you were dancing to michael jackson and i remember looking at you and saying to myself “this will be the boy i fall in love with.” and i began to cry. i was terrified, i knew that once i admitted that there was no stopping myself from inevitably falling in love.

april 1st: the day i realised i loved you. we were sitting on my bed and you weren’t doing anything, simply just sitting and i looked at you and the first thing that came to my head was “i love you”. i freaked out inside and i almost said it to you, but i caught myself and you didn’t even notice my freak out.

april 8th: i thought you were going to break my heart this day. things seemed off and you only kissed me once, i had never felt so confused and upset by you before, this i believe is why you started to realise that you weren’t ready for me.

april 14th: this was the day i knew bad was coming. prom wasn’t the greatest for me and i didn’t acknowledge the fact that you leaving me alone so many times was significant to something, i should’ve seen the signs. but you looked like a dream and i was so in love with you that night. i remember our slow dance and looking into your eyes and i had never felt so much love for one thing before, i stopped myself from crying. i felt like i was on cloud nine and we were infinite.

april 18th: our first fight. it was over nothing and completely my fault, but you knew we were over and i cried myself to sleep that night. terrified that i had pushed you away and that there was nothing i could do to make you stay.

april 19th: the day before our demise. you told me that you were glad to know me when i said i was glad to have you, everyone said i was overthinking it when i thought that was a sign we were over. turns out i was right. i cried again that night, i didn’t know at the time why.

april 20th: the end of us. you wanted to be friends, and that’s what we are i guess.

i act like i’m okay with it, smile when i see you and answer all your texts. i know it’s only been just over a week, but i have never felt so much pain, this week has been an eternity. i am constantly waiting for you to change your mind but i am terrified that i am causing to you believe that we are better off as friends than lovers. i hope you know that’s not true and that there will be no one more perfect for each other than me and you. i love you and i plan to tell you one day, soon. i love you i love you i love you and i don’t think you understand that. i am doing all of this to make you happy because that’s all i could ever want. i love you my darling, and i know you don’t love me too.

with each word that you speak to me
i am blindsided with a false reality
that there is still and us and we never ceased to be
but then i am reminded that those words that drip from the lips i once kissed
are from a platonic tongue that i do not want to know just yet
i’m still clinging onto a dialectic of romance that had kissed after each syllable and made my heart melt with each phrase
this change in language i cannot accept and it hurts too much to be exposed

stare deep into my eyes
can you see the grim reaper staring back?
do you see any form of life within the blue?
look at me, look at the state i’m in
can you see how skeletal my body has become? how frail and weak?
do you see where the exhaustion has eaten away at my skin and left purple rings under my deadly eyes?
did you ever think that you would be the reason you stared at death in the eyes?
did you ever think that this pain, this treacherous pain would all come from simple words that slid off your younger like butter?
i know your in pain to look at what you’ve unknowingly done to me
darling, you’re eyeing death up and down and staring at the grim reaper, please be polite.
after all, it’s because of your doing that you’ve been greeted by a corpse.

my tears have become the source of water my body lives off of
licking the salt off my lips, taste the melancholy in their kiss
eyes stiff from trying to keep the dams from breaking
they shattered within thirty seconds after saying goodbye
i haven’t tasted oxygen in three days
it feels like a poisonous gas polluting my lungs with each heave in between cries begging you to come back
i tell myself i’m pathetic for thinking you’ll come back because i know i am
but here i am, crying to myself in the pitch black over you on day number three of the most immeasurable pain i have ever endured

i don’t think i’ll recover
i want you to come back
i need to stop making myself believe that you’ll be at my front door with roses in hand saying you’re sorry and please take me back, this isn’t a ******* hallmark movie.

i can feel it in my stomach
the loneliness it settling in
rising up through my throat
choking on things that don’t exist
i’m sorry to whoever has felt this
i wish i was still ignorant
to this torture
tears have never tasted so sweet
the saltiness chaps my lips
oxygen has never felt so much like poison
my lungs no longer seem to exist
my rib cage now is a graveyard
for a heart that used to beat
a heart that was ripped out by the hands of a man i love
a love so strong it drove him away
i have never felt a pain like this before
everything feels meaningless
life is colourless
i am not who i was two days before
and i don’t think i will ever get over this.

scratch at my throat
try to free myself of my own skin
there’s an emptiness where my heart used to be
stuck your hand right down my throat and pulled it out all in one swift move
i didn’t realise the pain everyone talked about when your love breaks your heart
i didn’t think you could feel that amount of pain
i understand now.
i have never felt so cold
never felt so hopeless
never wanted to jump off of a ten story building as much as i do now
everything feels unreal
time moves so slow
carrying around dead weight
please change your mind
these tears haven’t dried
i didn’t know that i could cry
so much, i feel like alice
trapped in a glass bottle
creating an ocean of her own tears
drowning herself
she’s already suffocating
i can feel the gravitational pull on my body
i can feel the earth turn
everything going so slowly
is this what it feels like to be dying?

so don’t you hold me close and tell me that i’m your baby
don’t whisper everything i want to hear softly into my ear and make me believe that you mean it in the way i crave for it to be
don’t look at me with those sterling blue eyes with glossed over irises and give me that look that makes me think you’re in love
don’t run your hands up my figure and strike me with lighting bolts, don’t electrocute my heart and make it palpitate as if it stopped beating
don’t do those stupid things that you do that make me love you, it hurts too much to know that you do these things and they’re of a complete different definition to you.

grab the bull by the horns
look at it dead in the eyes
see the danger of the flames burning within
remember that you are the red flag
you control the fierce beast that it clutched in your grip
one mistake, one flaw of reasoning and your fate becomes the bull’s decision
the bull is getting impatient
you release it from your grip
the bull with its new found freedom, stands still, stares at you as it lies down
the bull has surrendered itself to you
be gentle with him, he only wants your affection
and in that moment you realise that the bull is your heart and you, you are everything you have ever inflicted upon it.

i feel like we are on two different continents separated by a body of water too deep for either of us to cross with bare feet
too rough for any boat to try and defeat, the waves will enclose it in a blanket of salt and misery
simultaneously conjuring up treacherous winds that **** planes and helicopters in with a whirlpool of melancholy
the tides are undecided, constantly changing from low to high but as of late the high tides are taking over and my continent is drowning in a sea of confusion and despair
i cannot breathe, my land is being ****** away, each rise and retreat of the sea taking mountains with it, destroying what once was a beautiful bliss of serenity
the ocean
the ocean makes me fearful, makes me wreathe in my decaying skin (too much exposure to salt’ll do that to you)
the ocean is what our love has decimated to.

are you true?
does the weight of the world rest itself upon your shoulders and force you to relinquish all of your strength to hold it afloat?
are you afraid?
do you feel the chill of the arctic when something goes wrong or you second guess and the nerves start to tingle within?
do you feel a constant burn of nonexistent eyes peering into your skin leaving behind third degree burns from where their fiery irises once lay?  
are you real?
can you feel your gravitational pull on your heart?
can you feel it drain the life from your veins?
do you feel as if the useless attempt at a human being that stares back you in the mirror with stone cold eyes is you?
do you try to until rid your imperfections until your face is flushed with bright red finger prints and scratch marks from where you tried to suppress or delve them from your flesh?
are you alive? or simply just pretending to be?

high beams burning holes into our irises
engines revving and dust clouds surround us
hearts racing, palpitations pounding in our eardrums
shake out the jitters, swallow your fear it’s time to face your true desires
brakes released, feet slam on the gas
speed increases, headlights come into view
crash collision and the casualties are me and you
collision of desires, you and i heading towards each other, the goal remains the same for us both
but with contrasting states of mind
i speed towards you, love heavy on my mind and with a desire to spill every ounce of it upon you
you speed towards i with a intention of being unconnected but intertwined, no commitment necessary
we collide, the fatalities high even though the only visible ones are you and i

match made in heaven
written by the stars
two kids, searching for something that their parents wouldn’t want
she’s afraid to fall
he’s afraid to stay
they’re both afraid but neither dare say
hands running wild
lust surging through every vein
she wants this to be it
he’s afraid to commit
with every waking moment
she’s up thinking of him
with every waking moment
he’s running away from the reality of what this is
her lust, is slowly turning to love
his lust is increasing
she runs for the hills, sobs matching with her pace
with every waking moment
she’s distancing from him, too afraid to admit to love and too stubborn to give into him
with every waking moment
he’s becoming more glossy eyed with the curse of lust
lost in a lie that this is just a causal fling and he’s not in a real relationship
a match made in heaven
written by the stars
two dumb kids
breaking their own hearts

throat closing up
choking on my own rapid heart beat
dizzy head
hazed over eyes glossy with tears
numbness spreading
this can’t be happening
nervous ticks
a constant fear
this isn’t true
avoiding you
avoiding us
trying to find solace in this nightmare
light breaks through the gates of hell
cupid’s arrow pierces skin
love struck, a heart stunned
cupid’s newest fatality and love’s needed casualty
under love’s heavy burden i do sink

heart’s heavy like an anvil in my chest
weighing down my entire body and i am filled with a sense of unease and fear
one word repeating it’s self every time i say your name
i’m not i tell myself, i’m not, i can’t be.
this word has turned itself into bullets
piercing my flesh with each mention of it’s cursed syllables
love, love rings a cacophony in my ears
causes a loss of breath and an overflow of tears
am i falling in love? this is what that feels like?
i feel like i a drowning myself in the pacific
my lungs feel heavy and my chest heaves with each gasp for sweet oxygen
constant choke hold, light headed despair
i feel like i’m dying
is that what love is?
i feel like i’m floating
is that what love is?
am i falling in love?
oh god, am i falling in love?
oh god,
i’m falling in love.

scenes replay in my mind and it feels like our feature film is a remake of the broken romance i starred in last

i told the writers to change the plot
make the lover the protagonist and not the devil throwing jabs at my heart
i told the director to change the shot
make each seen la vie en rose instead of a black and white silent film
i told the costar make the camera believe that you love me instead of deceiving it and making the audience see how much you strive to hurt me
i told the lover please, make me feel the love you were casted to display
make me beg for your touch, crave your kiss and make your lips taste like honey
make your embrace feel safe and not like a war zone
make me believe that you love me but this time mean it.

reach out a hand
try and grasp the beams of sun that shine through the window panes
feel the warmth on your skin, soak it all up
fear when the sky goes black, as if a curtain has been pulled over it
hear them call you out, they feast at night
listen to their pleads, their cries, begging for you to come back
try to make yourself visible in the pale moonlight, they can't take you home unless you are surrounded by the darkness
notice as your hands begin to tremble
"i don't want to go back"
watch as bright white dots appear out of nowhere, just like the stars above
close your eyes and tell them you're not afraid of them anymore
try to convince them, try to make them believe the lies you're telling them

open, for it is morning
and the sun feels like heaven on your skin
and you know the night will come soon after
but for now the demons have vanished, and you, you have lived through another fight with the nights sinful ways

the crash is what hits hardest
after you've tried with all your strength to get better
you can feel the edorphins start to release inside your brain
and you believe that this, this is what serenity feels like

you cry euphoric tears
no longer does the body you live in feel like deadweight that is a pain to carry upon two worn out feet
it feels like air, as if you are floating and as if nothing ceases to be
this, this is what life should feel

and then the crash hits
it comes out of nowhere as most "accidents" do
suddenly those bright skies are filled with ominious clouds
and your bright eyes are covered with a film of monochrome
you're stunned, paralysed with fear of whta this could all mean
a state of being so long unexperienced you almost forgot that it was ever in existence
but the crash happens
and you are left stranded in the middle of the highway
body returning to lifelessness

how do I get you to listen to me?
these words feel like venom slipping from my lips
but when they reach your ears it's as if the poison has turned into feathers and you pay no attention to them

how do I get you to listen?
there's so much I crave to say, so much I want you to hear
but alas it all goes unsaid because you'll never care anyway

how do I get you to listen?
I have relinquished every part of myself to you
but you, you ignore all the parts of me that don't give you some sort of ****** pleasure and I am left to feel worthless, like another book on the shelf
left unread, untouched, just pretty to look at and skim when it satisfies your wants.

she’s your dream girl
drop a pin and she’ll be at your feet
within seconds of it hitting the floor

she’ll do anything you ask
anything to meet your satisfaction
she only wants to make you happy

she’ll hide herself away
if it means you’ll stay a little longer than the rest did
she’ll make you believe that she is the answer to your prayers even though she
is no where to be seen, just a projection of your fantasy

she’s your dream girl
she’s allowed you to craft her this way
she wants you, oh she wants you so badly she’ll let herself forget who she is and be
exactly who you need her to be

she’s your dream girl
but if she’s such a dream
then why do the boys she makes herself a figment if their own imagination for leave her for another dream that didn’t mention before?

the steam billows from the shower
the water, set to the highest degree, feels like a thousand flames hitting my skin
a feeling my skin has desensitised itself to, one of the many forms of subtle harm it’s gotten used too
the self mutilation , however, that still stings under the flames, the sting feels the same as when the blade slices against the already scarred skin
god why do I do this to myself
sitting under flames pouring from a stainless steel shower head with fresh red lines that signal death running parallel next to blue veins that pump the blood that keeps me alive
where is the compromise? where did the beautiful colour purple go? I miss purple.

but here i am, one again
wiping away tears masked by the water cascading over my body
wondering if i’m even alive whilst pressing down on burning red lines
the bad habit i no longer bother to hide
the cycle continues, each time promising to be the last.

if i am graced to have a daughter
i want her to be a fool, a beautiful little fool.

a fool in the sense that she dreams too big
i hope she runs head first into a multitude of hopes for what she wants to be
i hope she runs around with her little legs carrying her weight telling everyone that when she's ten, oh when she's ten, she'll be the queen of every nation and that the people will sing twinkle twinkle as a global anthem

a fool in the sense that she rushes into things
never looking before she leaps, just diving straight in
leaving behind a trail of mass destruction with her tiny hands all stemming from that beautiful little mind of hers

a fool in the sense that she so easily falls in love
from falling in love with a cartoon character to falling in love with herself
but not just falling in love, giving the love back onto whoever she deems it fit for

i hope she's a fool
because by being a fool she will live a life that meets it's greatest potential
and that beautiful little fool will be just like her mother
a fool for whatever life has to offer

with you I feel like i am
f l o a t i n g
gravity ceases to exist, metaphysics are made improbable
there is no weight on my shoulders
no desire to impress because with you
i relinquish every aspect of me
even the things I wish you'd never see are brought to light
oxygen doesn't feel like poison in my lungs anymore
it feels smooth, breathing has slowly become a steady paced action
rather than a fight for a single breath adequate enough to provide some form of relief

because of you everything makes me want to breakdown and weep
but weep in the most beautiful sense of the word
weep tears of  joy because this, this is healthy and this is something that treats the delicate hearted with the fragile touch of an angel that is needed to reassure its owner that it will not be broken by the hands of a broken man

a merely teenage epiphany with the idea of what a good romance begins as
but this, this I know
is petrifying
but i believe it to be this because nothing good has come from a romance before and change is a frightening concept to most
the idea of you, the idea of me, the idea of us is absolutely insane
but that insanity might just be a sign that because of you
i am euphoric for the first time in a copious amount of sunrises

darling darling darling he screams
feed me
please me
make me feel alive

darling darling darling he screams
i want you so bad baby
make me beg for your “love”
kiss the soul out of my lips
make my life mean something from my stomach

darling darling darling he screams
but she runs
sprints away from all of clawing
all the calling
this is not the life she signed up for
she wanted love
he wanted a good ****

as his cries ring silent
she weeps herself to sleep
“lust isn’t love”
she repeats, in between heaves
for air.

come in like the tide
cover my body with a wave of unfathomable feelings that yearn for discovery

drag me out like the sand
when the waves revert back into the sea
taking parts of my sanity with you like tiny grains of sand that get lost in the ocean

crash on my shores like the waves of a storm
painful and rapid
i beg of you please stop hurting me but the tide rises higher with the wind and the salt stings all the tiny little cuts on my wrists and fingertips

calm, a tide i wish you would adopt
instead of collapsing tsunamis on my shores
i wish you’d learn that the waves also kiss the sand goodbye and gently fall back into the sea
instead of hitting me with a wave of chaos and blinding headaches
i wish you’d learn how to slowly stop yourself from inflicting pain in by fragile being

please stop trying to deteriorate my beautiful shores, i need the sands of them
please stop trying to drown me in your salty waves that burn my being from their chemical acidity
please learn to treat your shores kindly.

he's near sighted
everything from afar seems blurred and people seem to be
masses of motion in huddled crowds

he can see things up close
everything that's five feet in front gets noticed
i guess that why he never noticed me until i popped up on his phone screen
admiring from the mass of motion that he can't see

it's so easy
to fake a smile with him
i'll give him the signature "i'm dying inside and these tears aren't because i'm tired but look at these pearly whites" smile
and he'll belive it, but only because he can't really see  the falters in it

he's so pure
so golden
it makes me scared to hold
his hand because i wouldn't want to turn that gold black
or the diamond into coal
i'm scared he'll run if he ever saw my cold beating heart

he laughs when i shake, he jokes that i'm always cold
i mean what else would he think, i don't "look like someone with anxiety"
he thinks it's cute when i get all lustered and when my mind runs a mile a minute and that i worry consistently
but he doesn't know that these tendencies are due to the constant churing of gears in my head, working overtime and constantly leaking oil out
a working machine of overthinking

he doesn't know all of what makes me.. me
every flaw
every diagnosis
every scar
every puzzle piece  
every event
nor does he have to
he'll learn as time goes by
but for now he can think that i'm fine

i feel sick to my stomach
three weeks in and there's already something

you wanna slow things down
but i'm already in the fast lane and no one's moving over on the highway to let me change

let's not hold hands
but we still can
make out on crumpled bed sheets

i wanna redirect my attention
but it's all yours
when i'm ripping off your clothes

you made me feel like a friend today
worse actually
more like a walking "use me" sign

i didn't answer for hours
and not even an "are you okay?"

i told you today was weird
you didn't seem to care to ask why

i don't know what's running through your head
but i know what's running through mine

not again not again not again
please be different
please don't be like the last guy

you have more of a foothold to hurt me
baby please don't change your mind
we're three weeks in, there's so much more to go
please honey, you've already got me on hands and knees
begging for mercy
please. don't make me cry
like all those other guys.

and i sat and stared into the eyes
of what i presumed to be mine
my relection looking right at me

cold lifeless tears already formed on the waterline
not a sign
of any soul behind
icy blue irises and puplis far too dialated
for this "darkness" inside

i sat and i stared
at this stranger
for what let like eternity
but really
was probably only
ten minutes, at most

looking back at me
i sae the body of a girl
more like the corpse of a girl
with eyes that didn't shine
and had bags underneath like caynons
and blood red lips
chapped from biting and self deprecating coldness
not a twitch upward to be seen
a straight line of melancholy

the hollowness of an creature
i'm not too sure is real
she doesn't look it
she's not alive

i'm frightened of what i saw
because that is who i am
that is me
potentially.

i shouldn't be feeling this way
like the world is closing in
and i can barely breathe

tears shouldn't be forming my my eyes
my breathing shouldn't feel as heavy as it does
i should be smiling

i shouldn't feel numb
my eyes shouldn't be heavy and threatening shut
to close off the world for awhile because it's too much

i shouldn't be terrified
i shouldn't feel dead inside
i shouldn't be feeling like my heart is  a dead weight inside of my rib cage

i shouldn't
but i am
and i don't understand

i'm your girl
girl you kiss
girl you hold hands with
girl you hug
girl who you walk to class
girl you show off to all your friends
girl you talk about to your dad
and mum, might i add
girl who is always going to care
girl who will never fail to laugh at every single joke
girl who likes you a lot and she hasn't felt this way since him and he ****** her over so hard to the point where she's scared that she'll only ever be to you what she was to him, an object
girl you accidentally call girlfriend
but take it back so fast
but the second its out in the world, i smile wider than any other human on any other continent
but i'm your "unofficial" girl, for now.

I will never admit to my faults
i will never admit that sometimes
you seem too much to handle and my brain goes into overdrive
and pounds, oh my god does it pound

louder than my heart against my rib cage when you say my name
harder than a jackhammer hitting concrete
a constant pounding, fuelled by this almost
palpable fear that you're just too good
and good never stays so I am waiting for you to leave
like the rest of them

I'll never admit to you
that I'm terrfied
and that sometimes tears fill my eyes
and my hands shake
and I get cold before I have to see your face
because I am so terrified of these
feelings? I guess they can be called that,
but they feel more like daggers rather than anything else.

they say that infatuation shouldn't feel painful
but my god it is
even writing this my heart is hurting
and that is what i cannot understand

why i have to make something that feels so safe
into a danger zone
in which, i am bound to get hurt
but this time, it feels like I am the perpetrator
of the mass destruction that is to come
and I don't know how to stop it.

I've written these same lines
about six hundred times

all of them
all of them seeming to rhyme

but not rhyme in the sense of phonetics
or in a repeating pattern of syllables

rhyme in the sense
of a pattern of misfortune i suppose
rhyme in the sense
that every line
is smudged from smeared ink and
tear drops falling on the page
in the exact same place

rhyme in the sense
that every word
of every line is
hard to decipher
because it has been written
in what I like to call
anxiety's beautiful autograph
each letter written like a
scrible and all unconnected
because it's kind of hard to
piece words together
when you can't even remeber
how to breathe right

rhyme in the sense
that these cursed
lines all stem from
every line I
have made on my skin
carved out like the words to a beautiful poem
and the blood still stains the paper

rhyme in the sense
that even when
the pen
hits the paper
and starts a new
I still cling to the
lie
that everything's not dying
and we're all still alive.

she’s still an angel
even if her heart is shattered into pieces on the ground
and the tears pouring down her face and sobs escaping her lips make her face all red and puffy
she is still an angel

when she cries, she cries but the tears that flow look like a beautiful waterfall
when she’s blue,her eyes fill with hopelessness but in those hazel eyes there is still a sparkle that no one can ever deny
when she smiles, oh when she smiles she lights up the world, not even the sun can shine so bright
she is forever golden; even when her heart is pumping out blood tinted black and blue from all the emotional abuse
she is still golden, and she will always be an angel.

you're out in the world
living life how life should be,
a holy matrimony between happiness and
the desire to see another sunrise

you look like the sunrise
you feel like the sun glowing on skin on a cool afternoon
you sound like the happiest melody the birds can come up with
you make me feel... warm.

but alas that warmth always fades someday
my body is used to taking the sun's rays and turning them into sheets of ice on my skin, forever wanting me to wreath it a pitiful shiver
you're living in the ways of those who think that golden is eternal
and while you're out there, i'm here

sitting alone
writing ****** poems about how my mind likes to take everything good that happens and destroy it because it thinks i don't deserve it
i hope i don't destroy the sunrise, but the sun always sets right?

and by the light of the dying sun
we cease to be anything that truly matters
in the darkness and dim glow of the moon all our inner sins run wild
camoflaguing themselves in the blanket of night that cascades over the earth

a what was to be a stifled yawn escapes her lips
fingers rubbing at tired eyes as if if she rubbed hard enough she could make the purple rings underneath blend in with the colour of her skin
body feeling weighed down on my some force to be reckoned with, one much stronger than gravity
a sleepy haze overcomes, but she doesn't seem to  mind this kind of tired

being so well trained in the fine arts of what tired can be
she smiles knowing that this tired is one of the good kinds
this tired isn't like the kind of tired you feel when depression becomes you rbest friend and no matter how long you sleep the sight of the sun still burns your eyes and you feel like deadweight being pulled by a string
or the tired that follows a fit of tears and shaking, the tired that made a love affair with anxiety and you hope for nothing more than for this affair to be over for your sanity

no this tired, is different.
this tired keeps the smile on your face when you wake up from three hours sleep knowing that it was all worth it just to get a simple hello from the one person you've been dying to talk to all day
an I love you from your best friend all the way across the ocean
the tired that reminds you how you felt while your eyes were burning and begging to be **** when you saw that your world and his had met up o the same day even though the time zone would beg to differ that he's not as far away as he seems anymore

this tired i do not mind
this tired can overcome me any day
as long as this tired continued to feel like the tired you get after you've soaked in rays of golden sunshine for a bit too long