I've fed this dragon long enough
its scales grown ragged, dark, and rough
I told myself it was quite tame
but in my ear it whispers blame
Holes in my heart his talons tore
red and raw
the wounds are sore
Starved to death proved to be tough
it is so fun to feed it fluff
I'm much too old to play this game
I'm sick of all the serpent's shame
The demon's dead down to its core
and cannot hurt me anymore

My life crumbles from without,
So many things I knew, now shadows gray to me,
So many things once strong and good, deadly poison now to be,
Mortar as sand, and not a brick to see.
I was planted strong, with the roots of righteous tree,
But my branches have grown sick, and birds do weep around my knees.
I must remain strong, in my furthest core,
For within me flows living water, healing evermore,
My walls did crumble, my house did shake,
But my Foundation is as firm as ever, for my own life I did not make,
And no efforts from an evil, could my life, from Him take.  
No matter how bad the quake.

Do you,
See me?
Have you watched,
How the sun
Turns my curls golden red?
Do you desire to know me?
Have you felt happy,
To see,
My *******,
And curves of eye lashes?
Do you remember,
My voice?
Have you given me,
More than a glance?
Do you know,
When I am near you?
Are you happy that I came,
And sad that I went?
Is there anything,
That draws you to me,
But you are shy,
Like me?

Stop,
Pretending,
to be someone,
Who is as grand as you,
Some,
Are born,
Never doubting,
Most must turn their hearts,
Inside out,
to see the Truth,
Airs are only empty pride,
Hollow disbelief in oneself,
and Angels cry,
For a lie,
Is to Deny,
Your birthright.

You cannot reach,
your dreams alone,
and if you're not a trust fund baby now,
Stop,
Pretending.

The world of God holds you up,
And wants to feed you better fare,
Your Own,
Skin,
Will feel,
A thousand times more beautiful,
If,
You stopped,
Pretending.

You couldn’t have known your words would be poison
that I’d be allergic
taking so many the wrong way
letting them stick in my throat
I couldn’t find water to wash them down
Each of us with the best intentions
  
but we’re free now

I look into my misty minds
amid the wafting vapors
ghosts and shadows
flit among the chimes
the bells that sing of well formed things
are joined with indelible dark gongs
the thrums of unresolved pains
the scarring beat of ingrained sins

Oh, Great City
shrouded in the mist of the future
Still stand stark in my mind
An indelible landmark of the future
drawing me with scarlet cords
Clearly I will See You
Clearly I will Hear You
as surely as I have been alive
I will walk Your streets

Your soft, sweet, happy eyes
graced me
like a warm breeze barely whispering above
the butterfly garden of my heart

I sigh as they turn towards a breeze that  cannot return

Harder and faster,
my heart pulls two ways,
harder and faster,
as nights turn to days,
shorter and steeper,
the dragons I've slayed,
rear their heads back to taunt me,
their sisters do haunt me,
as I stand in this mess I have made

And we’re both too recently scarred
to be far enough from fear
of foolish affection
So we ask each other simple, surface questions
only a few every day

and suddenly it’s not about who cares . . .
you wish they cared a little less
wish you didn’t matter quite so much . . .
leaving isn’t always about your self-esteem
sometimes it’s just the weight of pain

when I met you
You opened up my world
Now I’m left missing your smile
like a child who’s lost their first tooth
They’ve never known better before
like a child I wait
for the permanent tooth to grow into place
the little wound reminds me that I lost you

I’ve lost count . . .
no, I never cared to count
I never do
I don’t know how many . . .
Perfect fantasies I’ve created
now forgotten
A dozen alabaster jars I’ve painted
the roses faded
A hundred jeweled webs I’ve spun
the prism raindrops dried away
leaving dusty silken remnants
All vague reminder of the hopes
The joys I’d wished I had
All dashed
And I feel kind of like a spider that’s never left her corner

come
I invite you
study me
I want you
embrace the wonder
I will show you
the snowflake of my soul

The gifts I’ve received have been
a rosey monogrammed bottle
a Hogwarts scarf
Agatha Christie mysteries
a stone to remind me that God is here
a heartfelt note
a Bluetooth speaker
emotional healing
and even a car
but so far . . .
I’m still lonely

I hate to lie down
when my feelings are in knots
I’ve always excelled at untying real knots
pulling out each strand with enjoyment
I’m proud of every knot I’ve ever untied
And I give great advice
but I hate to lie down in slumber
when emotional solutions evade me
The day stretches out unresolved
I lack the pieces I need to make peace
with the present

Something good is coming
Something good is coming
Hope whispers to me
Though my strength lies down to sleep
It has not been plundered
My bright future Love keeps
Safe for me
Though my strength lays down to sleep
It will rise up in Joy
my eyes upon the East
as the sun braves the sky

I stare down a deep well
Old memories still accessible as a blur of pain
Like an open wound it smells of danger
every time I walk this way
Time has yet to fill it in with the dust and dirt of life in the trenches
And I visit much too often
for things to settle as they would
I’m sure they could
But they don’t
I keep sifting
like sand the memories rub my senses raw again
Long ago I decided it was worse to remember any good or neutral thing about you
For a moment it was a balm
but then like everything else it was just a bludgeon in the palm of the demon responsible for my torture
Anger is just as strong a tie as Love
and sometimes calls back to Her
when the heat subsides and I wonder what irrationality I have committed in those fierce moments
If my resentment be half-lies
so is every infatuation
I have committed to resentment as a safer place

When battle positions are none too desirous, one still must choose between them

in our desire to accept the raw and deepness of a soul
we often forget our little, daily actions pave the path to those treasures

If Your joy is my strength
let me hear it's song bounce from rocks and mountains
Loud and rushing as the wind
sweet and bubbling as a stream
warm and close like Papa arms
Up and Out!
Down and In
flowing
soaking
wafting in
heat my frozen bones
caress a weary head
And I'll accept all suffering

To live
is so often to bleed
and I bleed deeply
my tongue stabs my bowels
following a broken mind
that my pills won't silence
I could ask for more
or take the hard,  effective route
and digest my brain
But I blind myself,
calling out a hollow question
consuming the ashes
while denying apathy
To live
is so often to lie,
and I lie deeply

Sometimes I just want to cry,
All the old emotions come to taunt me,
Like old wounds breaking open anew.
My tears wash my heart,
And help them away,
Put them back in their box,
For this is not time to play.
Longing for my friends must always be a part of life,
Bittersweet memories won’t say goodbye once I’m a wife.
But without two people I feel almost lost,
All these blessing didn’t come without some small cost,
And I can’t wait to come back to you.
My body is sick, and is bleeding,
It mirrors my heart in its pleading,
For comfort and rest,
For friends that are best.

Today I looked upon my world
and saw
That I cannot know anything about myself
until I have shared it

Larger than spiral galaxies,
Able to comprehend that which is smaller than atoms,
You made us,
But babes,
We have yet to understand,
The works we will make,
For you,
And the words we will sing,
Our infant dancing,
Though beautiful in all its tumbling emotion,
Is nothing compared,
To the whirling,
Of our later years,
A day approaches,
When we will grow,
In all directions,
And remember with fondness,
The days before we could fly,
When walking
Upon the dust of one planet,
Was our only option,
And our flimsy wrappings,
Of main importance
We will laugh,
At our present preoccupations,
With silk or cotton,
3 or 5 inches,
Purple or go ****,
Yet you still give us what we wish,
Like a Father to his toddling child,
Drooling over a sweet.

with forever at my feet
I can't back out into oblivion

What I love to tell everyone is
how Jaye loves me
and that's because I find it
hard to believe that he loves me
that anyone would love
me
is a surprise
every time
but I don't know why anyone wouldn't love  you
or wouldn't love me
and I don't see you different than me
but at the same time
I do
And I know it's that fallen flesh in me
that dissonance
that screams a lack of harmony
that says I'm too ugly
to make it up to greatness
I'm not worthy to reach out and take this
I'm tempted to think it's all fakeness
and though he never speaks a lie
the feeling behind it changes
and I tie my mind up
and my heart runs down the hall
but I've locked the door
I've locked them all
because You tell me it's real
It doesn't matter what I feel
this moments not a day
And I will stay
Until I feel okay
Sometimes it takes a week for me to really know
oh, many words it's takes for him to show
(this ain't no present with a shiny bow)

Pink petals float on water
Bubbles dance down on the rocks

Flowers fall like snow
As lace upon the grass

Beams of gold spread on the ground
And leaves reflect the sun

It’s raining again
So I sit here with my wings open
letting water run through every feather
spring cleaning for my dreams

I kissed someone in the night,
Then woke to moan my plight,
No one to sing my song with me,
But contentment soon the object of my sight,
The Maker is my might,
Who better to sing in harmony?
Than the one who gave to me?
The melody of soul.
He sweeps the stars in dulcet patterns,
And creams the clouds for frosting,
He bends the eyelash and reddens lips,
Adds all the sweetness to make our hearts dip,
Forward and fall in love with his own stamp of beauty.
The Stamper is the most beautiful;
No crafted canyon, or molded man can compare to the Maker of it all,
For he only takes what is his and gives it out like candy,
To the mouths of all his children, unaware of his hand.
I want to be aware, to see indescribable things,
To watch with inner eyes what few else have seen,
To hear a song of a different dimension,
Lovely amidst dissension, and run towards that which can,
Really, give me what I want,
Give me what I need.

don't let beautiful stars
become black holes

******* in all your joy
stealing the pleasure
you find in yourself

don't let magnum fireballs
become untouchable gods

shaking out your confidence
like a sieve

Remember the sun of earth
seems small of worth
next to many others

but by whose orbit
All men live
and learn to find
the brightest stars

I feel like my, Heart is cut in two,
I keep one half, The other gave to you,  
You hold it in your hands, But do not see it there
You poke it with your knifes, And bring me to despair,
Love lies bleeding, Lying in the dust,
Did you hear a word I said?
I feel I must ,
         Just,
                        Die.
Blue eyes open! See what they beget.

The best part of getting older
is looking straight into strangers’ eyes without fear
Oh the joys that the iris brings
what confidence of soul and spirit
Breathing with a lifted chin and open chest
Seeing the honesty in others’ happy and respectful gazes
All the truth I had missed
Now spread out before my sight

Lies,
Have a funny way,
Of trickling, tickling
Into your dreams,
Coloring your soup,
You enjoy this evening fair,
And laugh as it moves to tint
Your tea,
The noontime aromas,
Become quite intoxicating,
And the pink clouds of morning,
Are forgotten,
In your rush to a fix

Another round with life
Another year
Another shout for time
Another opportunity to conquer fear

This year didn't wait
struck me right away
while I still reeled
from it's younger brother's
final stroke

but Light didn't leave me
alone
Golden books
Golden whispers
Golden hands hold me tight
Give me strength for New Year's fight

One step,
The middle one,
That hurts.
You can't go back,
And you can't stay,
For your motion
Already carries you,
To the bright squares,
Burning,
Breaking,
Taking,
Away what you put in place,
Making you face,
What you told,
To stay put.
Anchors away,
You toss and sway,
But chains have a length,
That can't be cut.
And must be taken up,
From where they were dropped.
How many stones,
Are hanging from my heart?

I want a little berry, bright and red and round,
I want a little berry, to fill my ears with sound,
I want a little berry, my mind to astound,
I want a little baby, to always be around.
I want my hands to be filled with fruit,
To look in their faces, oh so cute,
To grow these sweets for my Father’s garden.

My heart is heavy
though my world is filled with light
my eyes are full of tears
And it’s because I’ve closed my mouth
too many times
But all the words are about to tumble out
Maybe this is why I’m a poet
I’m trying to speak
while still being secret
I’m trying to be known
without tearing down walls in my life
I’m trying to be free
without really being free
All that is changing
I’m finally using my wings

Is it a stereotype
or a more common truth
that a woman finds her strength
when she walks away from a man?

So
I'm not
That independent woman
who doesn't need no man
In fact I'm feeling lost
though you my friend most boldly state
the truth that God completes
Something competes
it reaches first
and informs my heart of missing parts
Despite my fear in this debate,
it may soon be too late
as all contracts heap amidst the pyre
where Time burns
upon the Earth's last fire
mock marriage ends in conflagration
to be replaced by Consumation

You love me in my brokenness
You hold my heart with shards of glass

if today has taught me anything
it’s that I’m going to need you every day this week

those who worshiped the sun
were right to honor majesty and power
to seek what truly gives us life
but the sorrow of their song
what they deemed as divine
was one small part of one fiery word
that blew out from the lips and mind
of the True Consuming Fire
a tragedy
staring at that little orb
did blind them to the Truth

and again your warm arms
lift me up
Though I was cast upon the wintry ground
My bones cried out
and my miserable tears poured down
Again
Your warm arms
lift me up

with love and light
gone are the days
when I wished I could have died