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Jul 2015 · 539
I Won't
Amber K Jul 2015
I won't say I told you so.
I won't mention that I told you drugs couldn't help the hurt.
I won't talk about the fact that I knew I wasn't good enough for you.
I won't remind you that I said to stop drinking the guilt away.
I won't speak of the time I told you that you'd hurt me again.
I won't say I told you so.
Jul 2015 · 523
Afraid
Amber K Jul 2015
I'm terrified now.
Of absolutely everything.
Everything scares me so much.
I keep wondering,
"Who will lie next?"
or
"Who will decide I'm not worth their time this time?"
I'm just so sick of being afraid...
Jul 2015 · 426
My Conclusion
Amber K Jul 2015
I have come to a conclusion.
I'm sure everyone will argue with it.
I argued with it at first,
but it's the only thing that makes sense.

I have decided that...

the fault is not at the hands of those who hurt me.
I am the one who cared too much.
I am the one who chose to love the damaged.
I just love too much and too deeply.

I'd truly be a fool if I expected to never be hurt.
May 2015 · 2.4k
Failure
Amber K May 2015
I know I'm a failure.
My anxiety is always on the highest level.
I still don't have a job.
I'm depressed 95% of the time.
I quit college after a semester.
I'm always a nervous wreck.
I'm no good in social situations.
I cry too much.
And I'm no good to anyone anymore.
Amber K May 2015
Depression is an understatement.
I want to scream.
I want to break down every wall surrounding me.
I need to run so far away,
but I know escaping with no consequences is impossible.
I just need to get away.
I need to live and go on adventures.
Instead I'm stuck.
I can't escape.
There is no escape.
May 2015 · 450
Breaking
Amber K May 2015
I don't know how much longer I can take this.
I'm trying to stay strong.
If no one understands,
then how do I continue.
I can't keep fighting myself.
It's dangerous.
I'm closer and closer to picking up that blade...
just so I can feel something other than this.
I can't take this anxiety,
and this feeling that no one feels but me.
I don't know how much longer I can take this.
May 2015 · 286
One more time...
Amber K May 2015
One more time.
Let the pain slip away.
One more moment,
with the razor blade.
I can't take the pain on my own.
I can't take this now.
I'm falling.
I'm losing.
I can't do this.
May 2015 · 1.3k
Guilt
Amber K May 2015
Like a monster,
devouring me.
Starting with my heart.
The pain increases.
I start to panic.
"You can't take it back."
I cry and cry,
hoping that'll help.
But it doesn't.
My tears flood my eyes,
I suddenly feel as if I'm drowning.
Can I please take it back.
Can I go back?
I just want my innocence back.
The innocence that was stolen from me.
The place where this all started.
The pain.
The torture.
The guilt that never even fades.
Apr 2015 · 2.2k
Trapped.
Amber K Apr 2015
I'm so angry,
I could scream.
I feel like a fool.
I'm so paranoid.
So lost.
So confused.
How do I escape this?
I can't get away from this.
Mar 2015 · 728
What Lies Create
Amber K Mar 2015
Lies create insecurities.
They tear you apart from the inside.
You'll begin to question yourself.
"Was I not good enough for the truth?"

I know this all too well.
My ears have heard many tales being told,
my eyes have been deceived,
and I have been left feeling like a fool.

First I questioned myself.
Then I changed myself.
And now I'm unsure of who I am.
The insecurities have long set in.

So please,
do not lie to those you love,
because while lies temporarily damage trust,
they forever alter someone who once believed too much,
May 2014 · 1.3k
Victims Watching
Amber K May 2014
You sick twisted person,
with your hands burning black,
from all of the ashes,
you've left in your tracks.

You and your friends,
you leave nothing but hurt.
Sweet promises made,
trampled in the dirt.

You left nothing good,
just one little thrill.
Not the thrill you want,
just one that makes us ****.

We hate who you are,
and there's nothing we can do.
You're not welcomed here anymore,
We say goodbye to you.

Take your ashes and your sick mind,
your pathetic rants and twisted lies.
Because we'd rather be dead than hear what you say,
We'd rather watch you wither day by day.
Just wrote this when I was in rage mode about someone who hurt me a lot in the past. I have absolutely no feelings left for the person. I just really wish they'd fall off the face of the earth.
Apr 2014 · 3.7k
Attachment
Amber K Apr 2014
There is a certain sadness
found deep within happiness.
Although happiness is the best to be,
there are a few downfalls to it once it's been discovered.

To be truly happy,
you have to feel the pain of sadness first.
You eventually get use to this feeling,
you develop an attachment to it.

Once you discover happiness,
the attachment is not easily broken.
It's not impossible to break,
but it is quite difficult.

First you might struggle with your daily routine.
You have to learn how to wake up smiling,
thinking of the day as a new day
instead of just another day to fight through.

Then those songs you've always related to,
become so pointless and you can't relate.
There lyrics are now just words.
They are now just remnants of your past.

After awhile,
you begin to change into someone new.
But don't let this destroy your positive state of mind.
Change isn't always so bad.

That attachment will eventually fade into oblivion.
The happiness you feel will fill it's spot more generously.
It will remind you that even when we become attached to negativity,
there's always a positive alternative waiting to be discovered.
Apr 2014 · 581
Faith Restored
Amber K Apr 2014
My faith has been weak,
I have fallen on my knees
so many times.
But how honest was I?

I felt hate and shame,
till they both felt the same.
I've been so wrong,
for way too long.

Why did I look away,
or run at the sound of your name?
Why was I so afraid,
just to be saved?

After being so blind,
and falling out of line,
I finally see,
it's you that I need.

After all that you've sacrificed,
you gave your entire life,
just for sinners like me.
What took me so long to see?

My lord, I give you my life.
After all of this struggle and strife.
I realize I can't survive,
without you on my side.

You are the king of all kings,
You are everything.
Even after I have sinned,
I know I am now forgiven.
Within the past few year, I have not been who I needed to be. I've been lying to myself, letting myself believe I was living right. But tonight I watched a movie called "The Passion Of The Christ" and it brought me to realize my mistakes. Not only did I cry through the whole movies, I prayed through most of it also. To think that Jesus gave his life for me and I still have the nerve to make small, pointless excuses for my sins made me see how wrong I've been. From this day on, I'm going to try and live my life right. I am letting go of the hate I use to hold inside of my heart and I am starting over new. My faith is restored.
Apr 2014 · 1.2k
The Past is Dead
Amber K Apr 2014
I dreamed of a new grave,
that was now home to a boy
who tried to destroy me,
and caused so much pain.

It was not a normal graveyard,
instead it was near the woods.
There were strange graves surrounding him.
His headstone was so plain.

"You ready?"
Someone spoke to me.
But I didn't have the courage,
to complete what they asked of me.

So without hesitation,
the person approached the grave,
and with a lighter,
they burned and blackened the name.

For a second,
he didn't exist.
His body did not lie in this pit,
because he never existed.

But someone who knew him,
came to visit the grave.
They did not question why the name was gone,
they just nodded and spoke about irrelevant things.

No one would miss him.
No one would find his grave.
With the name burned,
he never even existed.

Till I got a phone call.
How is he still breathing?
He spoke kindly to me,
like he had never done wrong in his life.

I cursed at him,
and told him never to return.
Because he was supposed to be dead,
and his name was burned!

But still he haunted me.
Just in a different way.
That's when I realized,
revenge leaves a bitter taste.
This is about a dream I had last night. Like the poem says, I dreamed that an ex of mine had died, and I was pretty happy just because that meant I never had to deal with him again (he messed me up pretty badly, so I'm not surprised that I was happy in my dream), and in my dream I went to his see his grave with some of my friends. They had apparently convinced me that it would help me get over the past and that I could finally get some sort of revenge. Well while we were at the grave, my friend took out a lighter and told me I should burn the name and it would help me forget that he even existed. I told her I couldn't because it felt wrong, but she did it anyways. That's when one of his relatives showed up and was talking to me about how she understood he done a lot of bad things to me and he probably deserved what happened to him and his grave. Right after that talk, I got a phone call from him. He was telling me to help him with something and he sounded so different. His voice wasn't the same and he sounded genuinely sorry for all of the hurt he had caused so many people, but I couldn't tell him it was okay and I couldn't tell him how to fix it, because I knew that nothing could fix what he had done. He was dead and non-existent to most of the world, yet I still felt the same pain from the past as I did before his death. I think this dream helped me realize I need to stop letting what happened in the past effect me. Whether he says sorry for what he did, or changes his ways, or dies and becomes just another body in the ground, it won't change the past. The only thing I can do is forgive and move on with my life instead of remembering the things he did to me. It's the only way I can remain happy and free from the past.
Apr 2014 · 4.6k
Puzzle
Amber K Apr 2014
Most people find their selves,
in the simplest of ways.
I have not been so lucky,
to be one of those people.

While many people have everything
planned out completely,
I am still searching,
for who I really am.

Every day I become more of a puzzle.
I find myself,
in strangely worded poetry,
and old black and white photos.

I find my purpose,
in the old book beside my bed.
Although I've read it over and over,
I still discover something knew each time.

I find myself in the music,
not the songs on the radio though.
But the ones that few people know,
that sing to the heart and not the mind.

I am not simple,
or normal or easily figured out.
I am complex.
I am unsure of who I am.
Mar 2014 · 258
Again...
Amber K Mar 2014
It's calling my name again,
but now that I think about it,
it always is.

My smile is temporary.
No matter what,
it'll never be as consistent as these scars.

I've tried...
I really have.
But I'm no good at being strong.

I hear it calling my name again,
it's closer now.
I might give in.
Mar 2014 · 264
Night
Amber K Mar 2014
I love the sounds of the night.
The sounds of passing trains,
and the way that the noise finds it's way to my room,
even when it's miles away.

I love the way it all sounds empty.
Like for once,
the world is at peace.
Things are so still.

I wish it sounded like that always.
But just as the sun peeks over the horizon,
the world becomes busy,
and silence is gone instantaneously.

But once the world is tired,
and the day has ran it's course,
the world grows silent,
and the night mutes the world once more.
Feb 2014 · 268
Worst Nightmare...
Amber K Feb 2014
If I could go back in time,
you would probably not be alive right now.

After all the times you tortured me.
All the times you made me hate myself...

I bet you didn't see this coming.
I bet you never guessed it would all back fire.

Now it may be extreme to say I'd break you if I could,
but I'm known to be an extreme person.

I'd break a bone for every word you used against.
For every time you used force.

I'd take the knife to you instead of myself.
And tell you it's your fault

Because why should I have to be the only one having nightmares?
Why should I have to suffer?

I want you to know what I am.
I want you to know that I am your worst nightmare.
Bad memories sometimes bring the violence out of me. I just had to vent about this. Sometimes it's the only thing that makes the pain go away.
Feb 2014 · 348
Counting Days
Amber K Feb 2014
Day 1
No more cuts.
Only scars.
I won't go back to yesterday.
I promise.

Day 10
No more cuts.
Only scars and thoughts.
I refuse to look back though.
I swear.

Day 50
No cuts, more thoughts.
These scars aren't just physical.
I don't want to look back.
I'm trying not to.

Day 70
These thoughts...
they hurt more and more.
I don't know how much I can take.
I want to.

Day 1
I really tried...
My story right now....
Feb 2014 · 396
Sleep
Amber K Feb 2014
When I was little,
falling asleep made every pain disappear.
Whether it was a scraped knee,
or having my feelings hurt.
The pain would always subside after I had rested.
Dreams would fill my mind,
and peace would fill me.

Now that I'm older,
I realize sleep no longer takes my pain away.
It only makes me temporarily numb,
but not so numb that I don't crave medication.
It just makes me wish I could sleep longer.
Dreams no longer fill me,
and peace is nowhere to be found
Jan 2014 · 5.6k
Innocent Girl
Amber K Jan 2014
Innocent girl,
afraid of the world.
They have no idea what goes on in your mind.

They can't see the cuts.
They can't hear your thoughts.
They can't see you're at war with yourself.

"You're too good."
"You'd never do wrong."
"You're so innocent."

They can't see you're dying.
They can't hearing your crying.
They can't hear you screaming for help.

Innocent girl,
when will you tell the world,
about the pain you feel.

They don't believe you could hurt,
They don't believe you could bleed,
They are sickened by your "perfection".

"You've never been depressed."
"You're mind is so clear."
"You've never known struggle."

Innocent girl,
when will you show the world,
the scars you have from losing your mind.
Jan 2014 · 433
Nightmare
Amber K Jan 2014
The pain from the past taunts me.
Devil smiles and twisted laughs.
"It's all your fault."
"This is what you wanted."
I can scream and cry.
There's no escaping it.
No one saves me.
They all stand there.
My hero is no where to be found.
Of course the past would hide him.
Without him I'm helpless.
The past knows this too well.
But not even in this unconscious state do I forget him.
The past can't take him from me.
My hero exist.
I know it.
I gather the strength from somewhere.
I scream at the faces around me.
"Why are you letting him do this?!"
"STOP THIS!"
They all laugh and smile.
It's all a charade.
None of this is real.
"Wake up. Wake up. Wake up."
I open my eyes in relief.
They can't hurt me.
He can't hurt me.
I am protected.
I am safe.
It was all in my head.

— The End —