It's a big world for sure.
There's no doubt about that
And honestly, that's ok.
Except for my loneliness.

What with the world being so big.
It's hard to feel like we belong anywhere
It may not make sense,
But it does I promise you.

Someone wake me up.
I'm stuck in this limbo of nothing
Stuck running laps on an empty track
Sure I cover ground, but why

Something inside me wants more
Can someone give me a thought?
As in, notice?
Cause it feels like there's none

And sure there may be
Maybe this is just my personal drama.
But I feel it nonetheless.
And that's what matters

All I want is to find something different
Someplace where I feel at home
Someplace where I feel welcomed
Instead I just feel stuck.

I feel like I'm inside a fish bowl.
It's clear, and people can see through
But I'm all alone inside
And there's not a corner for me to claim.

See I long to be known.
I long for that person who just gets it
But they're not here yet.
It seems like no one is.

Wait.
Wait.
Wait.

It's all I hear anymore.
Why do I have to wait while they walk by?
Why can't I be the one moving?
Could I even know if I tried?

Maybe.

And maybe not.

I guess I have to just accept it then.
But I will find it.
This thing I'm looking for is out there.
I just wish someone take my hand through the journey.

My thoughts are a mess.
My mind is empty.

I'm scared.

Hey, you.
Yeah, you. The liar.
The deceiver.
The faker.
Guess what?
I see you.

I see right through your fake bloom.
No plant is always green.
Green and motionless,
Gathering dust in the corner.
It's really not hard.
Anyone who gets close enough can see you're fake.

I don't care how lifelike you are.
You're still made of plastic in the end.
The beauty of a wilted blossom is foreign to you.
Move along.
I want nothing with you.
Or those who set you up to show.

Give me the real thing.
A flower that takes watering,
And that will eventually die.
Not this fake plastic imitation.
No, give me fleeting life,
Not the lie of immortality and perfection.

At first I thought you looked good.
Thought I'd like you around.
But your greens have become sickly,
Your reds and blues dim,
Covered with a film of dust.
Only the dead gather dust like that.

Stop smiling.
Stop laughing.
Stop talking.
Start thinking,
Start breathing.
Start living.

Maybe then we'll be friends.
Maybe then it will work.
Not until then.
No for now, keep moving.
Cause I see you.
Clear as day.

What if I told you that I'm raw?
What if I told you that I'm broken?
What if I told you I feel like crying?
Well. I do.

What if I told you that I'm burdened?
What if I told you that I'm sad?
What if I told you that I'm empty?
Well. I am.

Everything I feel is enough to end me
Everything thought is torture
Every time I look around
All I feel is alone.

But... Maybe not.
See I found something.
Something that fills me with joy.
Something lift me up.

A single flower.
It's a bit tattered and worn
But I sympathize with it.
And it understands me.

In the light of day it's beauty abounds
At night it's color won't fade
Cause this flower is true, consistent
And is committed to growth

Sure the flower has it's flaws
It's colors may sometimes fade
But that's ok.
Nothing perfect deserves real love.

No I love this flower.
How I do doesn't matter.
All that matters is that it made the difference
In my darkest hour.

Yes it made the difference
Between death and life
All I hope is that someday
I can repay my beloved flower.

I'll do what I can to nurture it,
Put it in the light as the day ages
And at night I'll put it back where it belongs
Cause even a small flower has it's place.

From now on though,
I hope it's place is near me.
Cause this flower made all the difference.
And it's all I need.

Yes, it made all the difference.
I just hope I can return that precious gift.

It's been a while.
I've been around one too many
Too many times to see any
The shapes all meet the same ending
And it's been a while.

I'm coming down
The mountaintop was kinda nice
But I really hated all the ice
I could see it all, even my vice
But now I'm coming down

I'm in the valley
I missed the walking in between
The subtle smell and the dew's sheen,
Missed people who know what I've seen
I'm back in the valley.

But I'm not alone.
The valley's big enough for two
Two people both of whom
Like to say "I'll stay with you"
No, I'm not alone.

I wish you'd come home.
We sleep in different beds,
Eat at different tables,
And read different papers,
But I miss you.

For the longest time I was scared of you.
Scared of what you could do,
Or who you could do it with.
But I was ok with all that
Cause you'd come home.

You'd leave one day,
And not say a word.
But I didn't worry,
Cause you're strong.
And you'd come home.

It seems now though something changed
Like you're scared to come home
Like there's a trap waiting for you
Maybe it's just me
I wish you'd come home.

Cause I always loved your travel
Loved the smile it gave you
Loved the look you'd have
The joy when you eventually returned
When you'd come home.

So please, just call.
Write me a letter or a message.
Cause I miss you,
And I worry about you,
Cause you haven't yet come home.

This world has a lot to take in.
It turns and turns stopping for no one
While I just sit and take it all in,
Take turns, take turns. Waiting for the next one.
No, this first-grade paradigm
That controls how I think and see what's fair
Doesn't really apply this time.
Cause first-grade knowledge isn't for just anywhere.
It's for the classroom,
The safe room.
The place where I sit and wait room.
I'm dying just to break through.
But I can't. See they hate you.

They take what they think is theirs.
Never waiting for the rule of turns.
Never thinking how the world fares.
When every bridge they cross burns.
What about the rest of us?
How are we supposed to move forward?
When none but the "very best" of us
Move on past our story's fore-word?
It's horrible and grueling.
Cause the "special ones" are ruling.
They ask, "Who you fooling?"
You'll always be a normal.

Why can't we all be special ones?
Why can't we all have that privilege?
Why must we all be the fretful ones,
Always worried about our image?
Worried that we won't look right.
Or that we won't be up to *****.
Cause when we take off our makeup each night
We no longer feel like enough.
No, it's too much.
Our minds are filled with thus and such.
But thus and such are just a crutch.
When we aren't enough.

At least, that's what they tell us.
Make us think we have to be gods.
Cause honestly that's the best way to sell us.
It doesn't matter if they're frauds.
See Humanity longs to be sufficient.
Able to satisfy itself.
So we do what we can with vision.
But leave our skills up on the shelf.
It doesn't matter or make sense.
To make some sort of recompense
When we never lost our innocence
Except by failing ourselves.

See, we fail to see our potential.
That special thing that makes us us.
But in the end it's the most essential.
It's the only thing we can trust.
Whether it's our brain, or our brawn,
Our very will to survive.
It's the very thing that let's us press on
The only think that makes us alive.
We have talents, our gifts.
But our spirits they need lifts
That come through paradigm shifts
From what's fair to what's real.


It's a hard disparity to master.
But in the end it's always alright.
Cause it's only part of growing up.
Seeing the changes that came overnight.

Look out the window.
I'm here for you.
I was throwing rocks see.
So now what?

Hey again.

It's just me.
I got nothing to say
No games to play
No place to lay
It's only me.

Im here by myself.
My minds full of thoughts
But these thoughts they rot
Cause I'm a lone a lot
Just by myself.

No ones around.
There's no one to hear
What I love or what I fear
It seems they just won't come near
Cause no ones around.

How can they come?
I feel so very isolated
Empty now, my pride's deflated
My emotions seem all too serrated
For anyone to come

Or maybe they do
Even if it's just an hour
Someone decides to pick one flower
And hand it to me and with it power
To go out and do.

To do what I want.
To write my emotions down in song
To take what I have and move along
Yeah my journey may be kinda long
But I can do what I want.

So join me if you wanna.
My heart might feel a bit constricted
My mind might get a bit conflicted
But I'm here to stay, with no restrictions
So join me if you wanna.

Cause I'm done being by myself.
The friends I have are all I need
A love could bloom from the smallest seed
And in that moment I'll be freed
Cause I'm done being by myself

You in?

Alright guys here it is.
No more rhymes to hide behind.
I've got a lot to say and not a lot of time.
So let's get into it.

I'm the kid in the corner.
I'm the one with my head down.
I'm the one who sits alone.
I'm the one who kinda likes it.
I may act out in the spotlight,
Crack a joke and get a laugh.
But in the end I'm still the one alone.
It's how it is.

For a long time I told myself I didn't care.
That the opinions of others didn't matter.
It never worked like I wanted.
But I soon figured it out.
The best defenses are assumed.
Not hidden, and not proclaimed.
These are the defenses that last.
Because they are simply a part of it all.

I had learned that the best way to hide my fear,
The way to hide my doubt
Was to act like it was nothing
And to simply move on with myself.
The scary thing is, that worked.
I doubt many know this.
But I'm crippled by insecurity
A poison I can't defeat.

I care what you think, I care when you notice
It's sad, but overwhelmingly true.
The anxiety I feel a lot of the time
Comes from the depths of who I am.
So go ahead, say that thing.
Tell me I dress stupid, or look dumb.
I'll retort back sharply and walk away,
But that sting will last.

My memory is too good.
Sometimes it feels like a curse honestly.
Because I remember each thing said,
Both good and bad.
So for those who took the time
To step aside and say hello,
Thank you for being there for me,
Cause I guarantee I needed it.

So to everyone reading this
Who never knew this before,
I'm too emotional for my own good,
And I hide behind that well-known pride.
Did I strike you as cocky?
I wanted to.
Did I strike you as prideful?
I needed to.

How else would I hide from myself?

I think I'm done with this poem now.
I hope you all understand.
It's not anything someone did wrong.
No, it's just me.
So enjoy picking my brain,
Getting a peek at the small introvert inside.
He's a sorry soul indeed,
I feel bad for him honestly

He's trapped in his confessional.
The walls keep closing in.
He talks to the walls, for hours and hours,
His head begins to spin.
He opens cans of worms and beans,
And tends to spill the latter,
Though no matter how long or hard he tries,
His confessions makes him sadder.

So pity the poor man you see
Have mercy on him won't you please?
It's up to you my closest friends.
He's on his very knees.
Listen to his confessions.
Listen closely, lest he fail
All he says is steeped in pain
His words could tip the scale.

My confession is over now
My time in here is done.
To all you listening in,
This really has been fun.
I'll walk away with my head held high
My heart, not so much.
I care too much what you think of me
My defenses, my very crutch.

Don't forget. Never forget.
He loves to love quite deeply.
So if you need an introverted, sad, emotional, hopeful, or quiet friend?
Come and see me.

Just a happy mistake huh.
Just a mishap of something I can't control?
Or is it even a mishap at all my dear,
Is what I pay such a negative toll?

Do I pay for my emotions?
Pay for my complete command?
Or is it something else.
Something in which I actually had a hand.

See I think this process was mine.
This burden is mine to bear.
Because one can only run so long
Before he forgets, and his past becomes thin air.

No, this was my doing.
I'm convinced of that much for sure.
Over time it always gets easier.
Easier and easier to blur

The lines I walk in, color between, and live by.
My life is my own creation
Is it true what you said?
Could this honestly be my salvation?

This separation of mind and body.
Soul and flesh ripped apart.
Or was it more graceful and intentional,
A precision cut above my heart.

See my body bears no scars,
No music bars for clefts of my past.
But my mind is white with the memories.
It's hardened, and these scars are the ones that last.

It was my own doing indeed.
That much I'll admit.
I dragged the knife across my thoughts.
Again and again, I made them fit.

Fit my desires and my ability,
Fit my tolerance for pain.
But how can one expect an end to suffering,
When pain is the vehicle of gain?

No, my knife is bloodied.
Used far more than you'll ever know.
I dragged my knife across my emotions.
So now, they simply never show.

It only takes one scar to begin a collection.
One cut to begin an addiction.
One taste to begin the obsession.
And one life to maintain the pure fiction.

That to overcome pain, one must accept it.
To defeat pain, one must welcome it.
I have overcome my pain my friend.
And with it, the rest of it.

The rest is gone too.
Oh, sweet, sweet irony.
A happy mistake indeed my dear.
The happy mistake is trusting me.

Derailed huh?
Like the train is off the track?
Maybe.

Or maybe not.
Like the train took a wrong turn.
I think.

The wrong junction.
Diverted at the wrong intersection.
Maybe.

Conductor confused.
Wondering where it went wrong.
Yeah.

But still
You're on the tracks love.
No doubt.

Hey.
See those leaves falling?
Those ones you thought were dead?
Maybe they are.
But I don't think so.
I think they're just moving along.
They're caught up in the wind.
But they're ok with that.
They're going places.
You are too you know.

I can't cry.
I sit amongst pillars of stone
My mind is empty
The pillars whisper things unknown
I'm left in my thoughts
They scare me
Because they're empty
And I can't cry.

Stop complaining.
My head is shot by my heart
See its past took form
Made a solid pain tipped dart
That was true to its Mark.
Yes everything hurts
And I'm alone.
But I'll stop complaining.

I can't stop singing.
No, the melody is my rescue
From the ocean's sting
On fresh new cuts in me that ring
With dissonance in my mind.
Has my harmony gone?
Is that all?
I can't stop singing.

I can't stop thinking
Each thought brings new pain
To old wounds
That sting like never before
My skin won't stop crawling.
I'm infected.
My thoughts are parasites.
I can't stop thinking.

The hurt isn't leaving.
My mind tells me what I know
The things it says are true
But see I choose to act on them
And that makes all the difference.
No matter what I feel
I chose right.
But the hurt isn't leaving.

It should be leaving.
I made these decisions after all
But sometimes we do what hurts
And have to deal with side effects
That we never intended
My painful dialogue.
Your painful laugh.
It should be leaving.

Please, I beg it, leave.
But it won't
Another has set it loose
This cancer on my heart
No, now it's everywhere
Because it's a cancer
And it hurts
So I beg it to leave

This pain is mine.
I made mistakes in what I said
And in what I did.
Now here I sit in consequence
The greatest hurt I've ever known.
It's excruciating
And I started it.
This pain is mine.

But there's another.
Something has twisted the blade
Pulling more blood from me
I smiling wish I had more to give
But I'm dry.
I loved this thing.
I'd have given my life.
But there's another.

It's all the same.
The thing I love twisted the knife
See I put the knife there
Is it happy?
I stabbed myself. Why does it twist it
I don't know
I wouldn't twist that blade
But it's all the same.

Can't cry.
Musn't complain.
Don't stop singing.
Don't stop thinking.
Hurt won't leave.
Hurt should leave.
Please, hurt, leave.
Hurt is mine.
It's all the same.
It's all the same.
It's all the same.
It's all the same...

Here. Impress me.
Take your appearance and character
And put it under a stress sheet
It's light enough to ignore
But it keeps away the best heat
It puts up an impenetrable wall
Between where my head and my chest meet.
All the time I'm thinking
What's the way to best beat
This self consciousness we feel
It just seems to oppress me.

But what if I told you
That I'm really not that great
That everything about me
Is the thing that I most hate.
I get wrapped up in myself
And the status of my current state
All the while forgetting
That I don't determine my own fate.
See I don't have the power
To end or create
But I worry and I wonder
And by then it's too late.

See I wanna be impressive
I want people to know my face
When they think of success
I want them to think Sam Chase.
But it's not up to me
What ideas others embrace
No matter how much I try
It's their thoughts and their space.
I can't determine
What they think of my case
All I can change
Is the way I see my own face.

If I let others determine
The worth I see in myself
I might as well give up
Pack up life. Back on the shelf.
Finding worth in others
Is a sure ticket to hell
Cause I abandon who I am
My thoughts I never tell.
Until I pick up this pen
Let go of my shell
There's not a rope in the world
To pull me back from where I fell

So let's try this.

I'm gonna be someone different
Someone I've not been around you
You're gonna see some new things
My emotions might surprise you
You might think I'm weird
Because of the things that I do
But this is me.
I just never let it shine through.
Yeah I have my quirks
That I never show beside you.
Cause I've always been too worried
Too scared I'd be left behind you.

Not anymore.
No today I'm really me
What you get is what you get
What you see is all you'll see
I'm being really honest.
I'm focused on transparency.
I WANT you to see trough
See through to how I just
Be.
I'm not gonna hold back
I'm just gonna try to be free
So you do the same thing.
When I say here.
Impress me.

Yeah I know.
This is supposed to be hard.
This ridiculousness
Has to get me
Thinking I really miss this
thing I felt. She
Ain't gonna be my missis
It should hurt me deep
But it's gone.

See, I feel empty.
Nothing's really going on
My mind tells me to be filled full
Of painful stuff
I should be feeling ill. Pull
My hair out
I should want those pills? Bull.
I don't feel a thing.
Cause it's gone.

That scares me.
It doesn't feel normal.
Why don't I feel oppressed by
This lack of pain?
Should I be feelin stressed? Try
To brush it off
But I really must confess I
Can't see anything to brush.
Cause it's gone.

I guess I can forget.
Maybe I'm really ok.
I can't dwell on the past no
That doesn't work
I can't be living fast though
That's dangerous
But this day could be my last so
I'm gonna move along.
Cause it's gone.

In fact I gotta move.
I won't just sit here.
Maybe I should run away to
Some place nice
Somewhere I can stay. New
Me to be
New kinda way. You
Won't find me again
Cause I'll be gone.

Thank you for the spear head.
Thank you for this blade.

The snow drifts, and so do I.
In snow drifts, my few tears turn to ice
With slow shifts, my fears crystallize
And with those hips, I know it's all a lie

With your rose lips, I'm falling in deeper
The wind froze ships, they're nothing but sleepers
Then you stole trips, I'm running a fever
The green line blips, heart follows the leader

You don't owe me, you never did
You don't own me, I'm my fathers kid
You trying to show me how to open the lid
But it's all me, and what I did.

There's a glow see, and it sure ain't mine
My covers blown see, I'm not hard to find
There's a show fee, to pull the curtains aside
And with this slow breeze, I'll fly on by.

Thank you for the passing glance
Thank you for this useless dance.

Please... Smile for me.
That's the one thing I ask.
A smile.
A simple gesture really.
It doesn't take very much effort.
To muster up happiness.
No, it's quite easy.

That's what they all say at least.
Smiling is tough though.
It weighs on you
Takes something away.
Almost every smile covers a lie
After all you can't spell smile without
L
I
E

But I need you to smile
Because that smile is worth the pain
Worth the wondering and confusion
Worth the trouble that you claim to cause
Worth every moment.

My dear. Smile.
I'll do it too
I really will
Just take my hand
Close your eyes
And smile.

I don't need it.
No, that's never the way.
Besides, need removes the point.
No I don't need your smile.
But I want it.
Long for it.
And that's why I ask

Please... Smile for me.

And when you do, I'll be there
Be there to catch you afterwards
It's tough stuff this happiness business
But when the high is gone
Have no fear.
I won't let you fall.

The world is a loud place friends.
Full of all kinds of chatter and noise
People walk by and act tough
Their problems are true too though.
I walked by the other day,
Though you probably didn't see.
You're inside your head too aren't you?
It's an affliction after all.

I though when I got out into it all
When I turned up the volume high enough
The headache would go away
Maybe I'd be able to cry again
But no, sound can't eliminate other sound
It can only drown it out
And when the noise slowly fades,
The ache is still there.

It's not gone.
It seems like it won't ever will be.
Maybe I'll just drown it out with you
Drown it, but not me.
At least, that's what I hope.

Sing the songs monkey.
Bash the gongs monkey.
Do no wrongs monkey.
Do as you're told.

Life's a game honey.
It's all the same honey.
What's your name honey?
Come when you're called.

Don't back down sweetie.
Yell in the crowd sweetie.
Take off the shroud sweetie.
Fight it till your death.

Where you going kiddo?
Time keeps flowing kiddo.
There's just no knowing kiddo.
Give it up or else.

Run the risk of dying dear?
For the chance at flying dear?
Sadly I've been lying dear.
Get down from there.

Listen to the letters kid.
Listen to your betters kid.
Just accept your fetters kid.
You won't change anything.

It's not real dude.
You can't feel dude.
All you do is steal dude.
So just shut up.

Break from all the violence friend?
Break from all the silence friend?
Or maybe just the islands friend?
You can try all you want.

I'm just a clown spirit.
Talk me down spirit.
Break me down spirit.
Please, do it for me.

Break the rhythm.

Break lies.

Break the sadness.

Break me please, spirit.
Bring me ease spirit.
And as you leave spirit,
Shut the door behind you.

I got my own little jar of love.
Filled up with sweet nothings and kisses.
But it's been sealed, cause it's had enough.
Had enough of sweet nothing misses.

I'll break the seal though some day soon
Feel the ink and paper in my palms
And I'll toss them up, up to the moon
Cause amongst this chaos I need some calm.

Call me crazy, call me weird.
But These slips of love expired.
I'll burn them all, all the things I feared.
I'll warm my palms in the heat of the fire.

Love burns bright, in life and in death.
It burns hot and it burns long.
But careful, when ink and paper are all that's left.
There's a time stamp on this fires song.

O, little house.
Little house of memories.
With old locked doors
And missing keys
Places to go, things to see.
O, little house.

O, tiny house.
Tiny of house of no more laughter
Simply staring
It's children after
A great heavy weight upon its rafters.
O, tiny house.

O, lonely house.
Who is left to you this day?
All your children
Gone away.
Maybe they'll be back some day.
O, lonely house.

O, aging house.
Once a place of joy and learning.
Left alone
Left dearly yearning
The backs of children you raised now turning.
O, aging house.

Yep.
Broken.
Scared.
Hopeful?
Tired.
Alone.
Curious.
Sad.
Hopeful.
Sa­d.

My mind.
Full of deafening silence.
My heart.
Full of deadening rhythms.
My eyes.
Full of empty space.
My mouth.
Void of anything to say.

Oh God, no more.

Well this is odd.
See I feel lonely, but not alone.
I feel empty, but no hunger.
I feel dead.
But I'm alive.

I walk alone.
I walk alone.
My shadow has even left me.
What happens when I feel dead?
But I'm still breathing?
When I'm no longer living,
I'm just breathing to death.

Well I'll tell you.
You turn to anything.
Something.
Anyone,
Someone.
Longing for the love to fill you.
Longing for some sort of satisfaction.

When your reaction is to turn away
To retreat into yourself
To leave everything behind
All you can do is bear it.

When your summer is over
And you really don't like fall.
When you're alone and dead or dying
It ***** to be in the middle of it all.

Gotta stay sane boys.
That's what they expect after all.
That's what they think they'll see.
But is it?
Or is it different?

I jabbed myself with my own pen though.
It's bleeding now, making me rethink writing
Do I write and run the risk?
Or do I stop and go numb?
Who knows really?

You'll read this.
You'll think it's too much.
And then you'll click away.
But before you do, remember.
Masks are easy to put on.

Gotta stay sane boys.
That's what they expect after all.
That's what they think they'll see.
But is it?
Or is it different?

I jabbed myself with my own pen though.
It's bleeding now, making me rethink writing
Do I write and run the risk?
Or do I stop and go numb?
Who knows really?

You'll read this.
You'll think it's too much.
And then you'll click away.
But before you do, remember.
Masks are easy to put on.

I'm awake.
The demons can't get me anymore.
I'm awake.
The evil can't eat me anymore.
See I'm awake.
Sleep is where they live.
And cause I'm awake,
I'm free.

Free from the spirits that haunt me.
Free from the shadows that stalk me.
Free from the ghosts that follow me.
And free from the dead that chill me.

Don't fall asleep.
Don't give up.
Run, scream, die.
Just don't sleep.

My demons aren't creatures.
My demons aren't horrors.
My demons don't go bump in the night.
My demons are inside.

Inside my mind they wait.
Inside my thoughts they lay.
I'm paralyzed by a fear I can't control
God I can't fall asleep.

See in sleep my mind runs free
Free from it's bonds that protect me.
The bonds I place in the day
Disappear in the night.

Mama always said told me
Nothing good comes of the night
Cause all our sins come out to play
And laugh, and yell, and stare.

I'm awake.
And I'm horrified.
Cause if I sleep.
I'll set myself free.
And how great is that fear
That fear of ourselves.

Guess what?
I'm doing well for once.
It seems surreal
That my heart and mind agree
Things are alright
But something itches
I thought, a laugh, a word.
Yes, it itches me
Demanding that I notice it's there.

See that thing is fear
The twisted, stomach turning fear
That loud fear.
It's loudest when all is calm
When I'm safe.
Say from my usual life
Because when we're safe from one thing
Another arises
The cycle is endless.

And it scares me
See that's what fear does
Makes you scared
Makes you look over your shoulder
It's maddening
Waiting, watching it's every move
See the scariest
The very worst things in life
Are always right in front of us

We can always imagine wrong
If we can't see
We can never be sure of our fear
Know exactly
But then there are things known
Things obvious
Those are the most terrifying
They haunt me
Unrelenting.

Or rather,
It haunts me.
That one fear
That one thing that always nags
Always itches
The one fear of all fears
The fear of falling short,
You see friends,
I fear failure.

I fear being left wanting
Fear when I'm not enough
Fear when something is left undone
When I miss a note
Miss a line
Forget a gift
Can't be enough
Because I feel it in the past
And still do.

Oh how I do.
The scars scream it
My brain screams it
I cover my ears in desperation
But no it's not that easy.
See this fear
It's part of my thoughts
Part of my mind
Part of me.

And yet, I'm okay.
See I have grown accustomed
My scars are  white
That sickly permanent white
Inescapable, unchangeable
Yes my scars are part of me now
Their deep it's true
And their numb to this day
But they're mine.

Yes. They're my scars.
So acceptance is my only option
Infection? Acceptance.
Pain? Acceptance.
It's my only answer
This is my fear.
So I must except it.
I have no choice
I must except it.

The losses we feel
They overwhelm our very minds
They take our hopes and emotions
Dash them on the stones of reality
And laugh.

They laugh at our loss.
Laugh at what we thought we had
Laugh at our very souls, ripped out.
Theses losses aren't going away
They're here to stay for sure.

How can it hurt so much?
How can something so simple
Feel like a punch to the gut?
Like all my work was nothing?
I honestly don't know.

Someone take it away.
Take away the pain
The excitement
Apathy has to be better than this
At least I think it is.

And our failures compound.
Why can't we just deal with one?
Rather than them all coming
And taking our joy together
One always leads to another.

Failures and loss ****.
That's just the long and short of it
So maybe I'll go numb
Block it out with some vice.
Just to ignore the pain.

Or I won't.
I don't rightly know yet.
Sure it all sounds great when I'm low
But when things change, I'll be ok.
Yeah.
I'll be ok.

I have a healthy fear of lying
To myself and those around me
Often these lies
They won't die
No matter how hard I try
I just feel like I'm dying.
And it's apparent often, probably.

But I can't help the lies said to me.
No, those I just have to accept.
See when I hear
The things I fear
When death is near
I can't help but worry.
I worry about what I have left.

No it's not too much anymore.
In fact it feels like nothing.
But then I really get it
And honestly you can bet it
Won't be long before I let it
Weigh me down.
Down to a place I never thought I'd be.

Take me away from here.
This house is filled with memories.
With the smells of the past
The sights can only last
I can only hope to leave fast
Cause it's poison.
Yes, this house is poison.

I used to go there for comfort.
And often our vice is our love.
But when my bed
Where I lay my head
Is for another instead
I can't take it.
Even if I think I might want to.

No I've got to get out.
I can't do this anymore.
I need to move along
Sing my parting song
Wave goodbye to all the wrong
And leave.
Because this air chokes me.

It makes my stomach turn
And my lung constrict.
My breath is gone.
There is no dawn
So I have to move on.
For my sake.
And anyone else who's trapped

This house is nothing but sweet poison.
And it's about time I learned how to deal with it.

I fear the ocean.
Fear the lack of life
Fear the unknown sameness below
Fear for myself, you see I've
Given up on having company
I'll sail alone for a while
But I'll need water sometime
Even though there's water for miles.

Someone come aboard then.
It's awfully lonely here.
It's hard to sail alone you see
And I haven't gotten over my fear,
Fear of sinking some day
Fear of waking up dead.
When the ocean finally swallows me
And overtakes the resistance in my head.

Until then I'll resist.
I'll hold out for my crew.
Someday we'll sail together.
Just.... Me and you.
Yes we'll set sail for places
That we've never seen before.
So come aboard my friend,
There's life on that distant shore.

Look at me
Do you see my crying?
Just wait and see
Cause there's two of us dying
No it's plain to see
You need a transfusion
New life force to help you
Break through your illusion
Break through all the lies
That you've come to believe
All the lies that bring people
Down to their knees
They need some new life
A new heart to beat on
Beating and marching
Till their hearts are gone

Drop my hand my friend
It's really quite ok
This blood I give you freely
So you get through the day
I've drawn my blood on purpose
Dragged a knife clear and clean
The blood is coming freely now
And with it, please be freed.

You think my blood is on your hands
Think you're the one in foreign lands
But it's not on your hands
It's in your heart
Blood given freely's a form of art
No it's not a wound,
No scar will form
It's precise my friend
The way I've been torn
I've pricked myself clean,
The needle was true
This blood is a gift
This blood is for you.

My friend it's over.
There's not much to say.
To pull blood with syringes
You must pull away.

Open the door, slowly and quietly.
Reach in, take her small, frail body.
Hold her close, she won't be small for long.
It was a long drive,
She must have drifted off to sleep.

Roll up your sleeve, gently and methodically.
Reach down, take your pen and begin.
Draw carefully now, these require care.
This butterfly needs form,
Form that you can give it.

Sit down to the piano, solemnly and sad.
Reach out, feel the keys cold surface.
Play slowly now, you might betray yourself.
A sad song is only sad
When the pianist feels it too.

Take a seat. Waiting and waiting.
Reach towards the clock.
Only time will tell when the sun comes up.
It's hard to know,
When you can't find a window.

But don't worry.
The sun rises and falls each day,
Whether you're there or not.
So today,
I'm sure it's quite excited.
To rise on you.

You know some people say
That the eyes are the window to the soul.
Some people say
That what's behind can be warm despite the cold.
Some people say
That they're heavy when the soul's old
I would say I'm one of the people.

But what about when the eyes go dull?
When there seems to be nothing left?
When the color seems to disappear
When the whole world committed theft
Of those eyes' happiness
Of their very life
It can seem like hope is gone
Like the only choice is a rusty knife
Cause after all, we're all just pawns.

Play the game, play the game.
Move pieces, never sing
But playing's ultimately all the same
When we've already lost our king.
Everything's just finished.
The games already done
Cause everything is finished
When someone has gone and won.

But what if the game isn't over?
What if there still something there?
What if those eyes still shine
Even in this poison air?
It would mean the soul is strong.
Indomitable and true
It's steady, and it's love is long
Now we can move to you.

See no matter how many times you try
No matter how many times you fall
I know those eyes still shine
Even when you've lost it all
So when I'm feeling down
Or need to feel alive
All I need is to look in your eyes.
And I remember why I'm alive.

See it's people like you that keep me here
The ones I love and hold dear.
The ones that stick around forever
That help me bet my fear.
Whether dark, dull, or radiantly bright.
I know they'll always be there.
So I'll tell you what your eyes told me
I'm here. No need to be scared.