I write because my head is full of things I cannot say out loud.
I write for the way my heart bleeds when people cut into it.
I write as my heart swells with joy until I feel like the Grinch on Christmas day.
I write when I cannot think of anything but hate;
The words angrily scrawled out on paper like hot flames burning up my emotions.
I write to let everything out.
I write because writing cannot talk back;
It can't tell me I'm wrong or to change something
It is purely just me.
I write because it is the one thing that will not judge me no matter what I say.
I write because writing is all I have.

I write to spill love, loss, and hate onto blank pages instead of my conscience.

In the middle of the night
I am wide awake
Craving you
Wanting your love
Needing your love
I've been counting the days since you've been gone
My mind bubbling over with frantic thoughts
An itching under my skin I can't scratch
Sometimes the world seems to disappear
And I'll see you standing right in front of me
But then just as fast you are gone
Then I find myself in a completely different world again
Lying on the floor unable to pull myself up
Or even remember exactly where I am

                       Just one more touch....

                                                     ­                   Thats all I need...

I think I could love you till the stars we look up at stop twinkling
And the moon turns out its light.

I wanted to be like your cigarettes
I wanted to be what calmed you down
I wanted to be what you couldn’t wait to press your lips against
I wanted to be the little thing you looked forward to during the day
I wanted to be the one thing you could not live without
And I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to become addictive
I just wanted you to need me the way you needed to light up every night

                              But then one day you quit smoking..

2am
I'm addicted to heartache
The kind that rips you apart inside
Leaves you shaking
Tears streaming down your face

3am
The moon bright in your eyes
Sparkling behind the moisture
Sobs wrack my body
The stars seem to be falling from the sky
This feeling is what I know best

4am
All is quiet
The night doesn't make a sound
Theres nothing left to come out
Tears have dried
And my mind is numb
I feel nothing
Hollow and empty
This feeling is all too hauntingly familiar

5am
The morning approaches
And I am still awake
Staring at the wall
Nothing left

6am
Time to get up
Plaster a smile on my face
Smear concealer under my eyes
And pretend like those dark circles aren't there

9am
Everyone is oblivious
But I know
That tonight
I'm going to go through it all again

I should know better by now
But its the exhilarating feeling that gets me every time
I can't stop myself
And this time you're hard to read
I have absolutely no idea what you are thinking
I cannot help but be more than intrigued
Especially because usually I have the ability to read people like a magazine
But no
Not you
You are a completely new mystery

I may not be suicidal
But I'm still sad in a way that destroys me

I like handwritten letters
And old paper back books
I like walks downtown past old buildings
With peeling paint and cracked side walks
I like old sneakers with holes in them
And soles that scrape the ground when you walk
I like things with stories to tell

I like to meet people and talk about minimal things
Things that won't matter to anyone else
The things that cause their eyes to sparkle
And make a smile tug at their lips
I like to listen to their opinions
The things they feel such passion for

Yet I do not like to stick around
Never do I get close enough to touch
No one makes it past the mask of sincerity
Masterfully placed on my face
Never do I let them breach the surface

I like to stay light and free
Of hurt, pain, and complications
And humans carry these things with them everywhere they go
So once I've learned all I can about a person I move on to the next

And continue my journey of life

I like old fashioned romances
Throwing rocks at windows
And cool walks in the night holding hands
I like good morning wishes and butterfly kisses
I dream of embraces so close
You can feel the trickle of their breath on your neck
Their heartbeat involuntarily syncing with yours

I dream of these things
These things I have longed to feel

I still get excited at the sight of a swing left vacant at a playground
Or mini marshmallows in hot chocolate
On bitter winter nights.

It was a love hate relationship
Love was on his side
Hate on mine.

Real tears do not fall from the eyes and over the cheeks
They fall from the heart and cover the soul
And mine is completely soaked through.

Its so sweet to see all these young people
Wanting to fall in love
I sit back and laugh at their ignorance
When you fall in love you must then fall out of love
And when you fall you will eventually hit the ground
You cannot stay in flight forever
Even if your hands grapple for every branch jutting out of the cliff on the way down
There is not a way you will not hit the ground
They tell me someday I will just keep falling
Endlessly
And I'll never break into a million pieces again
But I laugh in their faces and say Its not possible.
One must always return to the ground eventually.

She is gone now
The anchors of her heart dragging her to the depths below
Hands grappling for air as she sank
Eyes full of fear and despair
Hair swirling around her face like the thoughts in her head
She is gone now
I pray that you'll remember her
I pray that you will love her forever too
Because she ******* died for you.

They say you never forget how to ride a bicycle
Well I have been riding with you all this time
And now that I'm on my own
I've forgotten how to.

As dull as the lust left on ***** sheets
Is our love
A fire burning with the embers of passion
Has since fizzled to ashes

As hungry as the lust left on ***** sheets
Is our love
Your simple glance I feel upon my shoulders
Devours me whole

As eloquent as the lust left on ***** sheets
Is our love
Every simple caress and tentative whisper
Faded into gentle cotton fabric

As arrogant as lust left on ***** sheets
Is our love
Knowing just how to make your eyes see only me
You discovered how to take away my world

As empty as the lust left on ***** sheets
Is our love
Angry words electrifying the traces we left behind
Doors slamming, leaving me alone with this misshapen heart

As confining as lust left on ***** sheets
Was our love
This bed like a prison cell
Has bound me to you.

I got lost in the waves today
While you swam through my mind
I saw you in all the cracks of this underwater shipwreck
Your jaws clamped down around my heart and drew blood
And now that you've smelled that blood you've come back for more
I can't get you out of my mind
I'm floating out to sea without you to save me this time.

The mere smell of cigarette smoke triggers something in my brain
I can suddenly feel the kisses you left on my lips
And the places you laid your hands upon sting
I crave your touch
I need it to survive
I'm addicted to you.

Those who go to bed early
Look forward to tomorrow
Those who dread the coming day
Stay up until they can see the sun
Just to make sure they'll make it.

You told me to go tell my therapist everything
Because You didn't want me to tell you anymore
And that's when I really felt it.

I feel you in my body
Pulsing through my mind
Swimming through veins
Digging through my stomach
Wrapping yourself around my spine
And growing in between my rib cage
You are a part of me
And now you are so far from me
Oh what will I do with all these remnants of you?
For you are intertwined within my bones
And I am slowly suffocating on you.

I write to set my demons free
To let them out into the sun
Hoping they will vanish from my sight
I write so I can spill love, loss, and hate onto blank paper
Instead of my conscience.

I feel like we are one
Like the weeds that grew in my chest bloomed into flowers when I met you
Then vines grew in your bones only to wrap into mine
So how am I supposed to cut these vines and let you leave?
I already feel numb without you
The flowers within me are wilting now
I need you so bad
And now you're pulling up the roots of us
I've become helpless and hopeless and hateful
I'm sorry if I am not the same blossoming person when you return

My heart is holding on for dear life to the thread of you
And with every minute you are gone
It slips a little more.