Maybe he’s just nice

Maybe he talks to everyone in that way
Maybe he always shares eye contact for far too long with everyone he speaks to
Maybe he discusses these little details with anyone who will listen

Or maybe it’s just me

Maybe I have made myself too approachable and too friendly
Maybe I have been creating these scenarios in my head all along
Maybe I talk far too much and he is staring at me telling me to shut the **** up

Or maybe he’s just nice

I am still so in love with you that it burns a hole through my skin directly to my heart

So irrevocably still in love with you that it creates an effortless stream of mascara stained tears across my rosy cheeks each night

And there's no ******* way to turn that into poetry

your words slide through my veins like honey
and they
              d
                       r
                               i
                                        p

their way straight into my heart
and they
                    w
                                    e
    ­         a
                                                v
             ­                 e

a scribbled track all the way to my mind
and I just can't ******* breathe when you talk to me

I keep telling myself  "oh it's just a crush"

But I find myself doing anything for you
And I find myself falling asleep wishing you were here
And then I dream about you just holding my ******* hand
But the love songs I hear always make me think of your goofy smile
And the movies and the shows about romance make me think about us
And then I dream about you feeling the same way

But it's just a crush. And I just feel crushed.

I don’t want to write about you anymore
But then again, there’s nobody else who fascinates me like you do

I don’t want to dream about you anymore
But then you remind me of all the little details you remember about me and I can’t breathe

I don’t want to talk to my friends about you anymore
But then I see your sleeves rolled up and I can’t focus on doing the things I need to do today

I don’t want to imagine that our paths crossed at different times anymore
But then I see your eyes meet mine and I can’t imagine you going away without knowing how I feel

I don’t want to keep ranting about you incessantly
But then I see your shy grin and I just lose control of everything I thought I knew

I hope you never feel alone knowing how I feel
I hope you never go to sleep feeling unwanted when I forget to say goodnight
I hope you smile when my name comes across the screen of your iPhone

But then again, of course you wouldn't feel alone, because I am not the one
And then again, you could never go to sleep feeling that way because she already said goodnight
And of course you are probably flipping your phone over on the table when it says "Maybe: Angela"

Some lines aren’t meant to be crossed
I know that
I’ve always known that
But you’re a line I want to cross 100 times over and over again

Some lines aren’t even meant cross paths  
I know that
I learned that when I was very young
But you and I were never meant to be parallel lines, we were born to intersect

It’s 3 AM and I haven’t laughed this hard in a year
It’s 3:30 AM and my heart hasn’t felt this full in too long
It’s 4 AM and my eyes are so tired but my soul is full of your energy

It’s tomorrow and we haven’t spoken, I spoke too soon.

The timing is off

That is what I keep telling myself anyway
Maybe we met at the wrong time, wrong place, wrong life time?
Maybe if it was a few years earlier or a few years later things would work in a different manner

The timing is off
But the feelings are on.

I have crossed the line
From friends to hiding dark neck kisses
Public displays are uncalled for
Where I stand with you; undefined

You have crossed the line
From friends to talking, up all night
Losing this could **** me
Where I stand with you; undefined

We have crossed the line
From friends to tear-stained bed cloths
A small action, a tragic consequence
Wherever I stand with you; undefined

And then suddenly one day it hit me;

It didn’t matter how many pennies I tossed into the fountain
It didn’t matter how many times I caught the clock at 11:11
It didn’t matter how many shooting stars I found up in the sky
It didn’t matter how many lady bugs or butterflies landed on my cheeks
It didn’t matter if I found the stray eyelashes that fell out in my palm
And it for **** sure didn’t matter how many times I ended up with the bigger half of the wish bone in my possession

If you didn’t love me back, a wish couldn’t make it happen either

"You'll lose them the same way you got them"


I pray every night that isn't true.

How unfair to find something real that is so out of touch.

What a foul play tossed out to you and I to try to figure out.

I found you and I want you and I can't keep you

Thanks, Fate.

You know my secrets
I chose to give those to you

You know my pain
I chose to give that to you

You know all of my vulnerabilities
I chose to give them over to you

You have my heart
You took that from me

What else can I pass on to you before I become enough?

I don't want to keep being your maybe
I don't want to keep being your hypothetical
I don't want to keep being your shadowed fantasy
I don't want to keep being your naughty little secret
I don't want to keep being your ***** on the back burner
I don't want to keep being your inferior alternative
I don't want to keep being plan B

I want to be the girl, the one, you know what I mean

The laugh that keeps you craving more and more
The smile that makes a day full of rain feel like a sunflower garden
The touch that makes the pains of yesterday feel non existent
The snicker that reminds you of play time as a 6 year old
The sarcasm that keeps you on your toes
The soft voice that makes you think about how good of a partner I would be
The drive that makes you want to be a better man, better future husband, future father

Instead, I am the token of *** that makes you hard
Instead, I am the moan that distracts you from your problems you pretend to ignore
Instead, I am the breath of fresh air that reminds you how suffocated you have felt for years
Instead, I am the burden that you can't seem to ignore
Instead, I am the voice in the back of your head telling you that you need to make a decision and you hate me for that

I don't want to fall for you. But I think it's five months too late for those emotions

I want to tell you that I do not crave you constantly and passionately
-but that would be a lie

I want to tell you that I never want to lay next to you and feel your breath at the nape of my neck
-but that would be a lie

I want to tell you how falling asleep next to you isn't something I think would be other-wordly
-but that would be a lie

I want to tell you I have never imagined us laughing in our underwear on the lanai smoking and passing around a bottle of wine
-but that would be a lie

I want to tell you I never have envisioned you and I holding hands on a bridge overlooking water and smiling
-but that would be a lie

I want you to know living a life with you at my side is still beyond my comprehension of this world and how I see you next to me for a long time
-and that would be the truth

when he used to talk down to me and make me feel invisible i would dig my nails so deep into my hands that I bled

I forgot I did this, I tried over and over to repress that

I thought about doing it again today

It's been 9 years.

I didn't want to fall for you

****, I didn't even want to like you

Those days I was so busy being abused by someone else and these days I am so busy thinking about you constantly

So it's been 10 months since I set sight on your reserved smile and bright eyes and I have thought about it every day since

You didn't even know my little details but you watched me fall apart and bawl the day my dad died

I sat there on the cold tile floor and you had to take over things for me and I think several of the best parts of me died that day

But there are so many parts of me more alive than ever now and those okay parts yearn for you

I want to forget you exist some days, forget the common grounds we share and the bonds we have created

I can't I can't I can't

I don't want to fall in love with you

sometimes I hear a baby wailing in public and i wonder how and why adults never get to break down like that


and then I remember how i sobbed when i got the call that my dad died


and now i can't breathe again

Now that I got it,

what am I going to do about it?

I can't tell him I would drop everything for him

That if I could make all of his pain go away in his whole life, I would do anything

That even if his happiness doesn't see me in the picture I want it for him

That he could stop talking to me for days and days and I would still be there at his beck and call when he decided to reach out

So I retract and I smile when he reaches out and I laugh when we chat and I shy away when we are together

But my heart yearns for his.

Maybe somewhere out there in an alternate universe you fell in love with me
Perhaps in this other universe I was the one, and the only one, not the other one
Alternatively, in this made up universe I was not a naive girl who wanted to believe you could give a **** about me

I wish I could step into this alternate reality and feel what it would be like to be loved by you
To be held by you
To be kissed by you
Simply to be noticed by you

I would give anything to waltz into the room and your eyes be drawn to me first
To be the first name you want to call when you have something important to say
To be the girl who holds up the posters rooting for you in any situation

Maybe one day I won't be the other girl.