Light brownish **** lip stain to match the season,
Gold eye liner to make my brown eye color lighter,
Concealer and foundation to even out the skin tone,
bronze pink blush to add a bit of color and define my cheek bones,
Medium brown eyebrow pencil to perfect my eyebrows,
A stripped black and tan shirt with a brown scarf, blue jeans and black boots;
Hair is in a delicate curly updo so that my face gets more attention,
Burberry perfume to bring a soft delicate trail of her aroma,
my make up looks natural yet it adds color and defines the beautiful features of my face.
I do this not to cover my flaws,
not because I am insecure,
not for attention,
Simply because I want to pamper myself.
simply because I deserve to look pretty.
simply because I want to be as beautiful on the outside that I am on the inside.

White walls,  white floor,  white ceiling.
Stuck in this cage I cant bare the feeling.
I scream for help but no one hears,  
As I sit I drown in tears.  
Running fast,  and panting hard only makes me panic  more.  
Out the door,  down the hall, returning to the same door.
Out the door,  down the hall,  returning to the same door.  
Door,  hall,  door.  
Door,  hall,  door.
As I wallow in my sorrows my thoughts of escaping end.  
Every time I leave I end up at the same door.
I dont know where to go anymore.

Her hair flows like ripples in a lake,
She walks so elegantly,
brown eyes that turn almost to honey in the light,
A smile stretches from ear to ear, pearly whites as they call them.
Womanly curves and lumps that every girl wishes she had.
Lips soft and plump,
Cheeks made of strawberries.
But she is an ugly girl.
She flaunts around with her physical beauty.
From her perfect lips she hisses like a snake ready to attack.
her attitude is one of a rabid dog,
Out of control, and dangerous.
She is: selfish,
self absorbed,
ungrateful,
******,
ignorant,
Disrespectful,
and never pleased.
She climbs a mountain of people stepping on everyone's face.
**She is an ugly girl, hidden behind a beautiful mask

No damsel in distress here.
Just a hollow shell.
A heart so cold that if you try to touch it you will die of hypothermia.
I am a parasite.
So leave before I spread from your lips to your heart.
My deep blood red lipstick on your lips is nothing but a poison.
My hand that glides across your face as I rub it is me luring in my prey.
I am not innocent,
I am not able to love,
I am not yours,
I am dead already.
**So don't **** with the girl with the lipstick on

born to this earth as a sinner,
but there is no sweeter innocence than a forgiven sin.
but to live a life without sin would not be living at all.
so do you fear that your sins pile up ?
or do you fear that your life will end sinless ?

Dissappeared as if a dark cloud decayed the body in a matter of miliseconds and disposed of it somewhere unknown.  Never did I see a single sign of being psychologically sick.  Not one piece of evidence to prove her existence. Multiple memories of her wither away slowly.  No discernment  to the delphian disappearance.  Very vague memories of her,  perhaps she was a vision.  Maybe,  just maybe my imagination  had gone too far with my mind. No! Her disappearance  was real;  but due to her irrelevance,   and exodus she was forgotten in the conscious  mind of others. Maybe its time that I finally forget about the phantom that haunts my memories, and makes me question my sanity.  Gone she is,  and gone she will be.  So the acknowledgment of her existence  is Irrelevant.  She is now,  and forever has and will be nonexistent. -V.H.

in 2012 i experienced an incident with a rifle. my friend spinned it around and hit me in the face. the hit was hard enough to break my nose and make me fly backwards and land on the back of my head.
after that i started having seizures. cluster seizures which mean seizures back to back. they have to be stopped by iv or i can go into status epilepticus meaning continued or back to back seizures that can **** people. there have been several times where my heart has stopped or i stopped breathing from it. its hard to live with. soooo many pills, and doctors, specialists to help diagnose me. just about a month ago i was diagnosed with tbi (traumatic brain injury) before i was diagnosed i was so upset with everything. my health my relationship, my family problems. it just piled up so i decided to numb myself with drugs and alcohol. i no longer can do that because the last time i did i woke up in the hospital with alcohol poisoning. i have right hemisphere disfunction and it effects my motor skills, speech, memory, decision making, confusion, and at this point the doctors say that my memory and confusion is dementia. sometimes i try to tell myself i don't need help, im fine, i don't need anyone, or that the doctors made a mistake. but they didn't and that was proven to me today when i saw my eeg, and mri.  i have built up white matter in my brain. and it only gets worse . i can never regain anything ive lost but i can learn how deal with it and move on from now. i can never be independent in the part of just living alone. i would like to marry the man of my dreams but i don't think i want to put him through all of this. he would have to take care of me when i get sick, and i get sick often due to my weak immune system. one hit in the face and my whole body went out of whack. we also recently discovered that i have a bundle branch block in my heart which means it is a condition in which there's a delay or obstruction along the pathway that electrical impulses travel to make your heart beat. i have a dog that can smell my auras which are mild seizures like warnings that a big one will come. but he can only do so much . squeeze under my head and bark for help.

But I am awakened by a burning on my cheek and the pitter patter of feet running away.
As I lift my hand to touch my face I feel my arms as lighter as before.
Both of my wrists are bandaged to cover the the scrapes,  cuts and scratches the chains put on me.  
The fire is also on again.  
I quickly turn around and draw myself close to this odd light giving off the heat that warms my body.  
In the distance I see a bridge .
A bridge that goes over a river running free throughout this dark cave .
People.
People like me crawling over this bridge .
Skinny,  worn out,  struggling to pull their selves across towards an opening at the opposite end of the cave.  
But what caused the shadows?
As I look at the wall I an surprised.
Nothing there .
Did my emptiness exaggerate my imagination?
I don't ponder very long before I try to stand.  
My legs,  too weak to hold my body up.
Like every other person I must crawl.
Sliding my body across this rough,  rocky cave closer to the bridge.
I feel my mouth begin to widen across my face.
What is this?  A smile?  I'm happy?
Across the splintery bridge I make eye contact with several others in the same situation.
We smile and continue.  
A light… I see a light!
As adrenaline shoots up my arms move faster.
Getting closer to the end of the cave i glance back once more to where I was once a prisoner.
I see someone standing in front of my fire.  
I look forward,  and when I look back the mysterious person is gone.  
I finally get to the end of the cave and once im out the light shines down and the suns heat is spilled all over my body.
When I look out and see the world for the first time its like nothing ive ever felt before.  
I'm now  on two feet
I hadn't even realized I was.
My life was now going to change.  
This is love,  
This is peace,
This is my **allegory of the cave.

I love you and you love me but is that enough?
living together will be very tough.
I cant ever be alone because I might seize,
and you say youre up to it but I don't think youre ready.
the partying has to stop,
the drugs I have to drop,
and the pills I can no longer pop.
marijuana wont harm my condition,
but to decide whether youre up to it is your decision.
you say that you will, but actions speak louder than words.
and to be honest I think im a ******* curse.
I don't want to burden anyone,
but doctors say that eventually I wont be strong.
strong enough to walk at the park with out running out of breath quickly,
you know **** well im already sickly.
I burn the food because I forget to turn the stove off,
all the medication makes me weak and soft.
it only gets worse from here.
so this car is out of control , will you steer?
I wouldn't blame you if you didn't want this,
but please don't lie to my face and end it with a kiss.
youre all in , or youre all out.
I love you but is it enough?

freshly picked off of the plant and dried out for 3 days.
as I inhale the smoke I try to concentrate on the flame.
I hold in its essence and then slowly exhale.
before my eyes there is another dimension.
shapes that collide and move into each other and colors that I never knew existed.
singing, I hear singing.
its a a dream while I am wide awake.
the led lights from my friends gloves bring huge trails and colors that make me dizzy.
trying to walk but I stumble.
laughing at the fact that my heels are stilts and the ******* the couch has a penguin face.
then I get ****** back into my own world.
dazed and buzzed and able to speak and explain.
a trip I would love to experience again

As my vision begins to blur and the voices sound so far , I can't help but wonder...
Is this it?
Outlines of people I cannot recognize ,
And sliding off the chair as I sit.
Like metal grinding together in my head,
And gravity pulls at one side of by body.
There's a witch brewing up a a poison in my stomach and  It's put me in a sincape.
When I wake the bright lights make me assume that the great gates of heaven are opened to me.
right when I call for my lord and savior I am again put into the dark by this witch that's now in my head.
When I wake once more I am no longer at the gates , instead I am soiled in a hospital bed .
I guess god wants me to put up a fight,
And maybe what I saw were the EMT's flashing lights.
Right now I feel as if I had broke , and god has a cruel sense of humor . but that's only because I've had a stroke .

Help ! Help!
I can't breathe ,
As I get devoured by my emptiness and I can't breathe .
I smile at the lady that asks how I am doing ,
And I respond with "im great"
I feel as if I lose myself a little more every time I crack a smile across my face.
I've become quite the ***** some would say.
But what they don't know is that I'm simply defending myself .
Every time someone tells me they have a cute crush on me ,
I feel like a cornered animal .
Ready to attack if you get too close .
This emptiness I feel is always there .
As I drink my morning coffee ,
As I volunteer at shelter,
As my friends speak to me .
Like an uninvited guest that has over stayed their welcome .
An intruder in my heart .
Leave !
Get out !
You are not welcome !  
Leave me alone !
But wait that is what you have done ,
And that is why I cannot breathe .
You have left me alone .
And now I fear this monster of melancholy.

As waves continue crashing,
Wind continues blowing,
And the seasons continue changing.
One thing that stays the same is my broken heart for you.
the turning of my stomach,
The ache in my heart,
The piercing memories of you.
Trying to fulfill this hole with accomplishments,
Happy Memories, and
New future plans does not rid me of melancholy.
Though I have another,
You baby blue will never be replaced.
Father Time had rushed me to pick up the pace.
But as long as I can remember your face.
Time will forever be frozen.

“How are you?”
Sounds of broken glass erupt as I crack a smile.
“I’m doing good.” Rather than
“I don’t want to be here anymore”
“I am incomplete”
“I can not go on”

But the waves keep crashing,
The wind continues blowing,
And the seasons continue to change….
But my love for you will never.