it's late and everyone's
asleep but i slept until
5pm
lately i've been sleeping
all day to avoid thinking
about you but *******
these nights get so lonely
and i'm so cold
please tell me why you're
doing this stop telling me
your blood's on my hands
you're ******* killing me
here

do you know that feeling?
where you can't really
place what's wrong and you
can't really explain what's
happening around you but
you know you don't feel
alright and it's like you're
slipping away under the ice
and no one's trying to break
through?
do you? do you know?

my body is torn not exactly
down the middle but ****
near it and god these veins
are trying so hard to keep me
from falling to pieces have
you even noticed? if you had
i doubt you would care why
won't you care about me?
better yet, why won't you
admit you don't.

you shoved flowers in
my ears and told me
to listen closely as
though forcing
the good in
will efface
the bad

you always said it could be
worse and that someone
else could be having a terrible
day but what you failed to
notice was that everyday was
a terrible day for me
i wanted you to understand
i'm not just going to get
better and that it would take
time but you pushed and
pressured and pressed on for
a speedy recovery that
never came
now i'm stuck with all of these
bad days and cigarette
burns and ****** noses and
where did you even go

you won't be expecting it
and you probably won't
even want it but it'll hit
you like baseball bat to
the shin and you won't
be able to get back up
for a bit and it'll hurt
like hell and it'll leave
it's mark on you for a
while but everything
fades eventually
and that is love

i'm fighting trying to fill the
void you left with mindless
*** and too many cigarettes
i'm addicted to one or the other
and i wish i could tell which
but until i figure it out i guess
i'll continue drowning myself
in warm flesh and smoke
this isn't going very well and i
wish i could say otherwise but
lately everything's gone to ****
and you're never around

i thought i was okay
and all of the teary
eyed nights were
over but here i
am all alone in bed
trying not to let
things get too
bad again

i always think the worst of
any situation and i always
think you're ignoring me
and i always think you
don't want to talk to
me anymore and i
always think you
hate me and i
always think
think think
think thi

i was so sure i was better
but then you came back
around and you knocked
the air out of my lungs
with every little kiss and
every random embrace
you built me up and tore
me back down again i
was hoping you would
say "just kidding" and
come over out of nowhere
like you always did but
i know you don't care so
much anymore but god
i still do and i'm so sorry

there's nothing beautifully
tragic about wanting to slit
your wrist open and drown
in your own blood
there's no one to wipe away
your tears and sing you a
lullaby while you fall asleep
in their arms
there's not going to be some
sort of miracle person that
will burst into your life and
take away all of the tragedy
and pain
you have to do it yourself
you have to pick yourself up
brush off your knees
save yourself

my nail polish is chipped
and my knees are bruised
and my eyes have dark
circles and i don't smile
often and getting out of
bed everyday is almost
painful and i miss too
many people at night
and i stutter when i'm
nervous but at least i'm
not dead yet i guess

it's almost funny how as soon
as i think i've got something
good it gets torn out of my
life and i'm reminded that
nothing is permanent

i'm so tired all of the time
and my bones are aching
and my joints are screaming
and my mind is begging for
rest
but all i can do for now is
hope i can get a few minutes
of sleep before you decide to
creep back into my mind and
keep me up for a few more days
maybe even a week
i can't keep doing this to myself
and am i really doing it or are
you still controlling me from so
far away?

i laugh at everything and
i talk about my emotions
so freely and i'm open to
everyone i meet but i'm
so scared and i can't even
force myself to get close
anymore
i can't believe i let this
happen
when did it get so bad

today i thought
of you
and i didn't flinch
my heart didn't
beat any faster
my mind didn't
race
i'm getting along
without you

i'm tearing my flesh from
my bones to feel something
and yes it hurts and yes
there's a mess and yes my
family is screaming and
i would be too if i didn't
think you'd get angry at
me for distracting you

i told you about that time
years ago when all those
boys didn't care that i was
in pain and they didn't
care that i was saying no
and they didn't care that
i was crying and you did
an amazing thing for me
that night *you cared

my feet are freezing
and the smoke keeps
blowing back in my
face but that's not
going to stop me from
smoking this whole
pack of cigarettes
i'm only trying to
remove the taste of
your lips from mine
i'm only trying to
expell the poison you
breathed into my lungs
i'm only trying to
forget about you

when you're young you
hear all the stories about
the monsters under your
bed or in your closet or
hiding in the shadows
but no one ever bothers
to tell you about the ones
hiding in beautiful eyes
and unforgettable smiles

i'm so sorry i can't
believe you when
you say all of those
nice things
they fall from your
mouth effortlessly
and i get weak in
the knees
i want so terribly
to trust in all of
your pretty words
but you'll have to
forgive my unsure
heart and wary
mind
others weren't so kind

i'm so tired and i
can't shake this
heavy feeling in
my chest
i've lost the desire
to get out of bed
and talk and be
social
all i ever want to
do is sleep because
just being awake is
exhausting
i've been trying to
make everyday and
myself better but it's
so hard to connect
with anyone
i want to go home

i'm staring at the iv bag
praying it would just
empty faster but i know
that'll do no good and
it'll take at least another
two or three hours and
you're sitting in what
looks to be the most
uncomfortable chair
in the world and i
invite you to lay on
the most uncomfortable
hospital bed in the world
with me but you said you
didn't want to take up too
much space and crush me
but to be honest i don't
think i'd mind being
smothered by you
i'd still love you

i've been trying to stay
positive but it gets so
hard sometimes
i still remember that night
in july when i almost took
all those pills
and i still remember the
morning after when i cried
for hours because i was so
pathetic i couldn't even ****
myself
the depression hit like a
brick to the face and i wonder
everyday why me
i get so sad i can't even bring
myself to get out of bed for
days and no one even tries
to get me up
i want to be positive and happy
all the time but it's so *******
hard and i don't know how
long i can keep disappointing
myself like this

i'm tired of waking up
and feeling like i never
even fell asleep and i'm
tired of falling asleep
minutes before i have to
force myself back out of
bed again
i'm tired of the small talk
and meaningless garbage
spilling from the mouths
of boys that swear they'll
never hurt me minutes
before ******* and tossing
me to the rest like i'm some
insignificant toy
i'm tired of going to the
city and not seeing the
beautiful buildings but
the rooftops i could leap
from and finally prove
people can fly
if only for a few seconds
i could fly

i knew everything was
going to hell but we had
eachother and we were
sure that was enough and
i guess all i want to know
now is why you had to go
and change your mind

it's cold all the time
now and it's even
colder when i'm all
alone but i'm working
on warming up and
i'm working on
getting close and i'm
working on fixing
myself

you left a hole
in my heart and
i know you didn't
mean to but **** it
it hurts and i can't make
it stop

i don't know what to do
i've forced myself to hide
from commitment and
push away the thought
of love and i can't even
make myself feel worthy
of a relationship anymore
god help me i wish i could
fix what i've done but the
damage is too great

i didn't cry when my father
said he wasn't sure he loved
me anymore and i didn't cry
when my mother let him hit
me so hard i passed out
i didn't cry when my first ever
boyfriend broke my heart and
went after my best friend and i
didn't cry when they lasted so
much longer
i didn't cry when the cancer
stole my grandfather from me
and i didn't cry at the funeral
when everybody was asking
me how i felt
i didn't cry after all of those
boys took advantage of my
inability to fight back and i
didn't cry when they all told
everyone about it
but ******* it i could't stop
the tears fast enough when you
said you didn't love me anymore

he makes my
heart soar and
stomach flutter
he makes me
smile for hours
and laugh for days
he makes me so
happy
something you
never could

i feel like  i'm
drowning but
my entire body
is on fire and my
lungs are collapsing
and my flesh is falling
from my bones
i'm all alone here
and i'm waiting for
everything to stop and
for the silence to take over
please don't let me
slip away

they say
"boys don't like smokers"
as if it really matters
as if i care what boys think
as if i can quit just like that

it was christmas eve and you
had been drinking but you
still insisted on driving us all
home
you were swerving and it was
snowing and you said you
didn't care if you killed us all
that night
i was crying and screaming i
wanted to die and no one even
batted an eye
how could you do that to us?
fathers aren't supposed to ruin
christmas.

you are so important
to me i need you like
a fish needs water i
just wish i wasn't so
******* disposable

i know you were just
kidding around when
you asked me to be
your girlfriend and i
know you were just
kidding when you
would tell people i'm
all yours and i know
you were just kidding
when you said you'd
love me forever if i did
this or that for you but
oh my god i wish you
weren't