I wait
For the right moments
To give in
To let myself be completely open
And vulnerable
Allow myself pleasure
And happiness
But not often
Because I usually forget
How wonderful
It all feels
To feel something
Greater
Than what I feel
When Im alone

Goodnight, dear world
Today has been fun
Playing out this perfection
A game that you've won

For today I became
What I was "meant to be"
But a doubtful mind whispers
"No, This isnt me"

So sweet dreams, I hope
My mind will unlock it
The fantasy world
Behind my eye socket

A wistful woe
With a cherry on top
A submissive battle
But I'm just running the clock

What does it mean?
It means to cosmically follow the universe.
To tell it what you most desire.
And trust that the experiences,
The people,
The hard times,
Are all a part
Of how you will get it.
Dont question your situation.
Dont weep or smash or give up.
Trust that the flow is real
And go with it.
Willingly.

You must cut the clay before you can mold the sculpture

It's fascinating
That I keep coming back here.
When my heart breaks
And the darkness seeps in,
When there seems to be
No one to talk to
I come here
And I talk to myself.
I let strangers read the words
That no one can hear.
Even when they spill out of my mouth.
I come back to connect
With my true nature
And to those,
I dont even know their names.
So...I think I'll always be here.
So I can always be free.

This is how I spend my day.
Lay in bed,
Close my eyes,
Open them,
Pick up my phone,
Put it down,
Close my eyes again.
I want to do this,
And that.
But I wont get out of bed.
Something needs to change.
Maybe that thing
Is me.

How long does it take?
To accept yourself.
To look in the mirror
And say...
It's okay
To be who you are
It's okay
To stop pretending
Like you're okay
Oh, K...
How long does it take?

Leave.

I am tired
But I'm awake

If I try to sleep
My crushing anxiety will devour me

I cant breathe, I cant breathe
I think.

"Stop overreacting"

This will never stop
If it could, it would

"Just breathe"

I cant.

The darkness is surrounding
My heart wont stop pounding

I'm hallucinating
Tree branches are swallowing me whole

I need help, I'm dieing

"No your not.
Your overreacting.

Just go to sleep."

...
I think I'm depressed.

Sometimes
when I look at old pictures of you,
I cant remember you.
I cant remember
what used to look like
or what your face would look like now if it was looking back at me.
Because when I see you,
I see the sadness.
The sadness that I feel
without your presence
and the sadnes
that took you away from me.
I see the life you lived
that many times I couldn't be a part of.
I see the silence
that housed your suffering,
but also the joy that you gave
to every person that has passed through you.
I see the empty chair on my wedding day
and the vacant arms around my children.
I see myself reaching for you
and crying your name when I'm alone and forgotten.
So when I look at you,
I dont see your face.
I dont see your gray hairs
or brown eyes or fake smile.
I see your past,
and my future
and everything in between 
and I miss it.
I miss you.

If we were the last people on earth
Nothing would change.

I would still wake up
To your sunkissed skin
Dancing down your back
As your warmth embraces me

I would still kiss your lips
Say "good morning, my sweet prince"
And wrap these lanky arms
Around a promised tranquility

I would still examine your nakedness
A form only I can admire
Every crevasse of deep desire
Melts my heart of iron, how easily

I would still laugh with you
As we dance in strange places
My hands glued to your every move
As we are one, separated as two

I would still lose myself
In the candid way you live
A fly on the wall I hope to be
To catch every smile painted with glee

I would still wrestle with you
As I puff out my chest
To hear your giggled breath
I am not strong, but with you I am strength

I would still find myself
In the darkness of your eyes
When the world is disarranged 
My home will never change

We would still fall asleep
Just a little too late
But you'll see me in the morning
And I'll see you in my dreams

Because if we were the last people on earth
I know, nothing would ever change

Knowing the ending before writing a book is like knowing how you will die before you are born

I feel it.
The feeling of being
Lost
Confused
Angry
Desperate
Spiteful
Broken
Inspired
Encouraged
And tired
All at the same time.

Not knowing whether to
Bring my head back down
From the clouds
Or to
Add more air

Or whether to let myself feel
Hurt
And betrayed
And stupid
Or to push it away
Not looking back

I'm afraid
That by taking the road less traveled,
I wont be given the chance
To get to my destination

And that's not fair.

That's
Not
How
Life
Should
Be.

I missed you today
Out of nowhere
My eyes water

A slippery *****
Theres no stopping
A heart slaughter

****** back my winces
While reading your
Broken journal

Im splashed between words
A light you made
So paternal

Driving, I spent hours
Picked apart grief
"If I was there.."

My world sunk again
I miss your hand
Hold mine in prayer

Please, know i love you
Im lost down here

Please, help me see you
I know you're there

I'm tired.
Tired of
The same draining thoughts
Tired of
The same back and forth
Hatred then compassion
Tired of
Knowing what's right
And still doing what's wrong
Tired of
Beating myself up
For what's out of my control
Tired of
Mistaking clouds
As bad omens
Tired of
Telling myself it's okay
Just relax, you're okay
I'm tired of
Not writing poems
To make myself feel better

I'm just
tired.
So I guess I'll sleep.

You are
My first [puppy].
My first [dog].

I never thought
I could look at someone like you
And know,
Truly know,
That nothing else matters
But you.

That time will keep moving,
And problems will keep growing.
But what's important
Is the
Here
And Now
With you.

Thank you
For reminding me
That love
Is all I need
To be happy.

Writing
Synonymous with a drug
Miming the story in my head
Does not take the edge
Off.
No,
I must physically take a swig
Sling the pen on the paper
See the words in their truest form
Word-***** on the page
Drunk with laughter, tears and rage
High on prose
People
And places
I must create
Or I'll die
Just one more sentence
Maybe two
And then I'll find my way
In this bed I'll stay
This will be the last time
I write at 3am
...
I promise...

For a moment--
            
                         I was sad that he left me.


But then I realized--


                          It was I who left him.

I thought you died
Disappearing like a ship in the night
No trace of you
Just a note saying goodbye
Then you appeared
Like some kind of magic trick
And everything was okay
You said you just went away for a little while
And I was angry
And sad
And elated that you returned to me
That you didn't end your life in the company of no one
That we could rebuild and restart
And you embrace me and tell me that you're sorry
And I tell you it's okay, I just thought you died
So we leave it behind us and move forward together
Both alive.

Then I woke up.

Ive taken your bullets
Your punches, your slaps
Your stings, your comments
The words behind my back

Ive taken the embarrassment
All your belittling lies
Ive taken your huffs, your puffs
Your eye rolls and sighs

Ive taken your pointed fingers
Brushed it off, held my tongue
You make mistakes and say "im human"
But go up the chain if i make one

How hypocritical, How conniving
How stupid you must be
To think I'll be your punching bag
I've got more worth than that in me

So if this is how I go out
With your target on my back
Then, please, take your best shot
Cuz im never coming back.

My heart belongs to you.
It always has and it always will.

When I place my hands in yours, i am courageous because i know that we face life together

When you hold me in your arms, i am calm because i know you will keep me safe

When we both say i love you for the tenth time in the day, i am blessed because it does not and never will lose its meaning

I will admit there are times i get frustrated because i dont know how to communicate the extent of my love for you

It is truly the perfect flaw that, even with my love of words, i can't seem to find the right ones to tell you how i feel

But I can tell you this:

Loving you is like walking on air without the fear of falling

Its holding up the world with one hand and playing a symphony with the other

Its dancing on the moon without helmets and still breathing effortlessly
Its laughing when there's nothing to laugh about because just smiling wont do true happiness justice

You were more than a friend, a boyfriend, a fiance and now a husband.
You are the soul that mine has choosen to walk this earth in life with and fly together after death

For eternity with you doesn't mean just in this life, but beyond what we cant see or understand

So may my words stay with you always because this is what i vow to you:

I vow to love you unconditionally, every day, and every second of our lives

I vow to embrace you in the good times and the bad

I vow to face those times with you, together as we've always done

I vow to love and care for our family with you

I vow to support and encourage you in all your dreams and life endeavors

I vow to be your jiu jitsu partner when you get the urge to leg lock me

I vow to do my best at making a decision about what show to watch at dinner

I vow to **** the bee's if you **** the spiders

I vow to stay child-like with you and to remember that life isnt always so serious

I vow to bring the harmony when we belt out to disney songs in the car together

I vow to travel with you and take every place as an adventure even if its down the street

I vow to be your sturdy rock or your squishy sponge depending on what you need


I vow to love you with all that I am for the rest of my life and beyond

I give myself to you now and forever. I choose you as my best friend, my lover, my husband and my soulmate.

Thank you for making me the luckiest woman in the world.

I love you.

I made them laugh
I made them smile
I found my purpose
For a while

But they kept laughing
When I said nothing to chuckle
Then they stared and they pointed
As my knees began to buckle

"But I was useful"
That's what I thought
But a delusional clown
Fits in with naught.

I cant fathom the "outness" of this
Like the world is a monster crushed under my fist
Spitting lines of
Cranium
5
Not enough sustanance to keep you alive
Dont look back when
The doors are closed
Im brave, but not courageous
Im the only one that knows
A vanity may be broken
And little am I open
To disappointment
I am disappointment
I am
Not sure
Where this is going
My head
Is flowing
Into a sand dune
But thats okay
I may just sit
And watch the full moon

Every day and night

I fight for my life.

So every morning,

I can be proud

That I succeeded at something.

Sometimes life is like...

The light switch doesn't work
The car won't start
The door can't open
The room is too hot

The ground is so sticky
The air is blade-thin
The day is too bright
The night is full of sin

I have loved you
Longer than I expected

Harder
Than I wanted

And more beautifully
Than I could imagine

You are my flower in bloom;

Beautiful, Evocative and Unfurling.

An arena of emotions dancing for an empty crowd

I have always claimed you
As my heart.
For I remember
The delicacy of your hands
Touching my face
When I needed your love.
The walls you would build around me
When you knew I didnt have the courage
To face whatever was on the other side.
The calm song of encouragement you would sing to me
When I convinced myself
Not to believe in me.
The joy in your eyes when it was
Pizza friday even when we didnt have the funds to do it
But ***** it, its pizza friday!
Mom, we've had our fights.
Your drunken nights
I would sometimes scream
To see if the Chardonnay had reached The level of your ear drums yet.
To see if your balance was unconscious again.
And when you started smoking cigarrettes,
My blood caught fire like the white tip of your newest fatal hobby.
After losing Dad, I get your stressed out,
But why do we now have nothing to ******* talk about?
Except money.
"What am I going to do?"
Ive heard it my whole life, Mom.
Because poverty is like a greedy leach
It's never satisfied,
Never ready to move on to the next
Sap with the hopes of
A white picket fence and a beautiful golden retreiver
Thats what you wanted, your whole life,
Right, Mom?
And now,
We only talk
About priorities.
Because when I'm around you
For more than five minutes,
I become Me from the past.
Your daughter locked in her room,
Afraid
Avoiding
But still missing you.
Now,
Whenever you dont return my call,
My mind slips into the dark place, remember?
The place I needed help from.
Yeah, its still there.
I fear that you are dead,
Rotting in your house
Alone.
Because Im not there.
And dad's not there.
No one is there.
Daunting, knocking on the inside of my skull,
'What are you doing? Are you okay?'
I want to help.
I dont want to make another mistake
Like when dad died
I wasnt there.
Mom,
I love you
So so much.
Please stay alive.
Please, place your hands and
Touch my face.

I haven't taken a nap in 3 days.

This might not sound like a big deal
Or a difficult task.
Maybe it doesn't sound like a task at all
For some people.

But for me it is huge.
Its an accomplishment.
A step forward.
A jumped hurdle.
Another check mark on my mental health journey.
And I don't give myself enough credit.

So here I am,
Assuring myself
That the small things,
Aren't small at all.

I am alive
In harmony with nature
The trickle of rain drops
Bounce off the orange and yellow leaves.
To soak my feet
In the damp field of green blades.
To sink my back
In the silence of the soil.
Inhale and exhale
To the beat of dancing thunder.
Cleanse my body with your beautiful, mysterious tears
Mother Earth,
I am your body
Mother Earth,
You are my soul

The petals of spring sank beautifully in the puddles of rain as she traded her sneakers for heels, entered the back of the black car and drove away for the last time.

There will be a day when I look back at where I am now and say "Wow, I had no idea how beautiful life could be".

Our love
Is deeper than the surface

Deeper than the flesh
Deeper than the heart

Our souls, connected
By time and space

A single entity
Of endless possibility

It's 4:30am
I cant sleep
I cant stop thinking about
All the things
I want to write about

Is this passion?
I hope so.

Pess(opt)imism
Is the hard brake of your car
After realizing you have a stop sign.
Watching the familiar pedestrian walk across the street in horror.
You could have killed them
If you didnt stop.
You didnt notice them.
Your mind was driving you with negative thoughts.
Snap out of it!
The person staring at the front of the car in fear
Is you.
Your thoughts almost killed you.
But that one good one
Saved your life.
Imagine what could happen,
If you just paid attention to the signs.