I just want to

Take off my mask for a bit

And feel

How it feels

To be me

Flowers don't bloom in a day.

No matter how many times you water them.

It's better to know who you are not
Than who you are

Could I live by myself?
In the blur?
In the cold?
In the shadows?
In the woods?
By a lake,
Go on foot?

Could I live without a job?
Without cash?
Without time?
Without them?
Without rhyme?

Could I live without blame?
Blaming him?
And her?
And them?
And myself?

Can I ask myself questions
long enough
to forget
why I asked
in the first place?

I wish my parents weren't divorced.


I wish my dad was still alive.


I wish I could have witnessed love,


Before discovering it myself.

Feel bad
For those that treated you poorly
And will never experience
Your light again.
They missed out
On something truly
Spectacular.

Technology is a beating heart
A life that has become an integral part
Of me:

I am the internet,
The apps,
The text messages
That cause collapse

I am the Google searches,
The Amazon purchases,
The single letters
That create these verses

I am the statistic you search for
Of Depression in America.
I am the sad song you play,
When you realize life is an enigma.

Im there when you lay in bed
At 3 in the morning,
And ask Google why it's been years and you still feel like youre in mourning.

I'm the quiz that you take
To test the validity of your sadness.
And the other 5 you take
As you succumb to your own madness

I'm your Facebook friend,
Sharing mental health posts,
About women your age
Writing their suicide notes.

I'm your Instagram feed
You have a smile on your face
But people never read the caption:
"This is the last post I will make"

You can get all you want with just the click of my button
Please dont buy anything that contributes to you being forgotten

You can say anything you want
Within a text
As long as I turn off auto correct,
Because when you say "I've been doing great",
You mean "I'm going to slit my neck".

I'm the to-do list app you download
To feel like your life is together
But my boxes never get checked
Because tomorrow sounds a lot better

I'm the pictures in your phone
To remind you your not alone.
I'm the memo in your technology
Where you write your suicide apologies.

I'm the alarms you never touch
That alert you to start your day.
But when you never turn me on,
Youre just skipping the foreplay.

I'm the email notifications
Spewing the benefits of *******
Because you need something to distract you
From it's negative connotations

I'm the flashlight when you need me because your lamp won't be going on.
Its already 4 in the afternoon,
your bed is now where you belong.

I'm your two way connection
When your boyfriend calls to check on you
He can hear the sadness in your voice
But doesn't know what else to do

I'm the calendar that alerts you
You have an exam next week,
I hate being your YouTube search on the best suicide techniques.

I wish you would reply to the group chat,
They want to meet you at the mall.
Now they're bad mouthing you
Because you don't seem to care at all.

Please, just turn on some music.
I promise that you can choose it
I don't like the words you're typing,
"Death" isn't better in writing

Just stop what you're doing,
And let me bring up your history.
Remember before your dad died,
You were his greatest victory?

I'm the forums and the hotlines
and the encouraging words,
That people all over the world want to be heard.

You can use me as your outlet,
but I won't be your oppression.

It's so easy for technology
To manifest as your depression.

When I was a girl, my mother used to tell me I had shooting stars running through my veins.

That any jolt in my chest or pain down my body was just a star carrying a large, important wish.

It didnt make sense to me, though.

How could a wish be painful?

But I trusted her.

She was my mother after all.

When I was afraid of the dark and looked for comfort,
She would say that I was an eternal light
and that the dark feared me more than I could ever fear it.

And whenever I would ask for something other than health and happiness,
She would instruct me to go outside and look at the night sky.

The vast sea of blackness that held my future, everyone I would ever love, and prosperity in turn for faithful actions.

I was abundant enough, she would say.

Those nights were similar to the one I will have tonight.

I can feel it.

Life is about feeling good

I think I'm ready to live

To be a writer
Or a poet
I believe
Are the same
Whether it's stories
Or haikus
We have something to say
In a journal
Or a stanza
A screenplay
Or two
A life without writing
Is a life that won't do

My body split in two.
Broken without you.
What is it about love,
That, when lost, causes such intense emotion?
I think that when we lose it forever,
When we truly cannot share in that love ever again,
That is when we question...

Why we ever love at all.

Like a sandcastle built
With the ash from a flame
You're a monster inside
Masking all of your pain

Yes, you do.
It's not you.

Like the void of the world
You can't run, you can't hide
Then you promised to change
Now you're on a back slide

So, whats new?
Who are you?

Im not made of diamond or marble or gold
Im fixed together by cracks and bumps and mold
I collapse like a house of cards
Fall like dominoes in the shapes of stars
Im as quiet as a drop of rain
Elephant in the room
White blouse with a ketchup stain
My mind is immersive
Projecting shadows on walls
Singing lies to misinterpret
We're sewn together with purpose
Of which is lost amongst the stars
So search the night sky
To discover who you are