Dear Alcohol,
Don't take me too fast.
I mean I've always known it would be you so...

Dear Alcohol,
We don't talk much I know. But those social occasions, man, you must have gotten me hooked somewhere  between those laughs and puking sessions.

Dear Alcohol,
My parents smoked but I swore never to smoke cause that kills your lungs and you **** yourself kinda slowly..but you...I don't know about you. Maybe because its the liver...and that seems so far away. My lungs are RIGHT next to the heart...I mean,  that's much to fast for the pain I want to wash away at my own pace.  Wash away drink by boring drink.

Dear Alcohol,
You win.

Dear Alcohol,
Make me dance, and smile, and sing your dumb songs. Puppeteer, who i willingly dance, smile, sing let me play pretend. Move my body until your course is through and my body is too used. Until I am no longer a puppet for this game of life but instead a puppet for myself to pity. Dear Alcohol the tears are fake, I promise. The happiness I feel now makes me numb. Dear Alcohol send me drink from those pits of hell from where you play me from. For I am coming. I always knew it would be you.

Alice fell in love and bumped her head.
Then Alice saw the world in pinks and reds when they where actually black and white no love in the air.
Alice made friends who thought Alice could save them from the black and white and give them some pink but they only brought Alice down.
Alice began to chase the love but he had no time for her.
Alice began to see the world for what it was.
Alice began to see the world in black and blue.
Alice fell out of love but still was stuck in the rabbit hole.
Alice couldn't take it anymore because Alice realized there was no perfect world and even if she went back life you be terrible.
So Alice ate the mushrooms and drank the bad poison .
Now Alice sees in white.

I freaking hate you, but I love seeing you. Every time I  see you out the corner of my eye I don't know whether to cry, scream or go talk to you. I never will do the latter though  I am depressed. I'm not sorry.  I think about death more than I think about eating, but I never think about eating soo...I think about you more than I think about dying. I need help. I am drowning...I have a habit of ignoring. I have a beautiful smile. You smile like the sun but I know your hurting  too. I can see it cause I see that faded highlight in your eye.. it matches mine but I don't think you'd ever notice that. No. Don't.  I can't love you. I am physically unable to love you. My heart is broken and my spirit small. I need you so bad right now. Have a great day.  I love you.  Please save me before its too late...

The hot sun hits your skin and a light breeze kisses you, too. The salty water  tickles your toes and the sand dances between your fingers.  For a moment after you close your heavy eyes you feel alright. That's why I love summer. For a moment everything loves being near you and you are blissfully aware of it all without a care in the world.  Simply happy.

The day my home turned to a battlefield was the day my mom said I so to a man who tough she loved him is  worth less than dirt in her presence and less than that when she's gone. No lie I picked a side long before the war begun but it is still scary being the only one unarmed.

Is it just a natural instinct to want to run in front of a moving car?

The birds do it all the time.
They spread their wings and  embrace the fall.
They glide gracefully and spin in midair as if it's fun.
The birds, with their colors that may have been once vibrant but now are dull ,could fly so high but they decide to fly so low.

So when I look upon the cars driving by fast is it depression or am I just a  bird? I long to open my wings and feel that rush as I float in front of that car.   My feathered wing brushing the front of that car seconds from death...

Then to pick myself up and fly high once again.

Breathe in deep.
Take in all that pains you.
Let it touch your life
Breathe out fully.
Remember it'll be better in the end.

I didn't mean to lose you. But the only thing I'm good at is pushing people who love me away.

I woke up early this morning and heard the birds calling for eachother.
I guess I decided to try calling for you,too.

He said he found my poetry...
God, oh, silly me.
He said he found my poetry.
A blushing red I be.
It's true I never said his name.
But by writing about him I played his game.
He read all of my poetry.
And didn't feel the same

You are the first guy in a while I haven't been mad at, soely sexually attracted to, and or just uncomfortable around.
Maybe...no.. I know my brain is twisting  the kind acts you show me for attraction but I like you.
I really like you.
The cheesy hugs to the catch of the eye or the pulling me just far enough away from my group of friend to have a though brief, nice conversation about my day.I  notice.
And now I notice the tired in your voice the and sad in you walk but also the victory and laugher in that smile and strut of yours.
It started as a joke and soon I felt comfortable in your arms though once you left I wanted them around me again. Maybe as more or maybe just you have you make me smile just a little while longer.
Yeah. I like this feeling...I want more sure but I'm comfortable and I'm not quite ready to change that.

I taste your tongue against my cheek.
I feel your hands on me; one tucked ever so gently under my ear the other wrapped around my waist.
I see nothing but black as I focus on you.
I hear my gentle moan, our rocking feet.
I touch the small in your neck the base of your hair between my fingertips.

And as I come to my senses I realize none of it was real in the first place. Was it?

I read the same sad love poems I have before. The same wymsical heartbreak only other poems seem to understand. The same heart clenching ones that made fat warm tears spring into my eyes before...and don't cry. At this point don't do much more than look at them with...annoyance. I still think of you...but feel this emptiness. Sure an achy heart because hey! I thought I loved you! I think I loved you.
Am I over you? Or just broken?

I'm hurt. I'm afraid. I'm in love. I'm alone.

I am cold. I watch them pass me by and never care to look...nearly as if they are too afraid. I scream and cry but no one cares. There used to be scares yet now there are none...just empty nothingness. I must be finally dead.

You wonder why I never seem to love you as much as I do my mother.
You wonder why I only attack and put up my defenses in your presence.
You think your 'jokes' are funny.
You think you should always be in control.

Well ******* and your mentally abusive bulllshit. I see you try and degrade my mom and she is much stronger than i. She tells me why marrying a man like you is wrong yet she can't follow her own advice...she won't just leave

You are the reason I don't trust men. You are the reason I push people away. You are the reason I can't see through these pessimistic glasses. You are the reason when a boy says he loves me I run. You are the reason I don't know how to love.

You have NO control and that's why you play my mom like a doll. You aren't smart enough to see what's in front of you. You are a bigot and part of me hates you.

I've spent most my life calling you dad and now I'm old enough to understand that THIS is NOT  love...I don't even know who you really are.

I'm disappointed I'm not rich.
I'm disappointed I don't come from a wealthy family.
I'm disappointed I'm not white and beautiful.
I'm disappointed I have depression.
I'm disappointed in everyone I fell in love with.
I'm disappointed I didn't get into the school I had been working my whole life for.
I'm disappointed with all the failures I've had I'm my life because they are practically my life.
I'm disappointed I had to be strong and disappointed.


And I'm just so sick of being disappointed that I'm sad.

And what happens when you're not strong enough to save yourself. When you've gone to far, worked to hard and there is no more...










....what then

I want you to know I really did love you.
That love that gives you butterflys and
makes rainbows sing. That love in movies
that  translates to true happiness in real life.
We had to go separate ways and I thought
we could still get the gears to turn.
I was wrong.

I'm giving up on us.

Its been a year and I felt my heart be so
far away for so long I feel cold.  And I'm
so sorry to say there is another who  is HERE
with his arms ready for my embrace when
I need it most...when I am ready, and god I
am ready for the touch of a human being again!
For the lust and passion even if it isn't as real
as it was between us.


I'm giving up on us.

I'm giving up on us  because I am afraid of
loneliness and i have opened my eyes
to see I have been lonely all along.

I really did love you. When you where
here to fight battles,  to calm the storm,to
feel. But now your gone and my love for you
has followed.

It's guys like you who remind me to taste the world. Guys like you who hold the fork so dangerously close to my lips. Boys who remind me to love blindly with eyes open wide as to not miss a second. Men who remind me not all will be there to catch me when I fall. Those who leave when complexity shows its perplexing face. This is for the guys no matter how hard you or I or anyone tries won't be able to keep us together.  Or even the boy who knew that from the beginning.  No lie, I hate you. Leaving me hanging for more, fantasizing for weeks, crying, falling, stumbling so close to the edge, crying. But I must admit without you those in-between's would be trill-less. Thank you for making hell a whole lot more interesting.

It's true the heaviest heart writes the prettiest poetry.

I mean why would you want to date me? I'm loud. I like to start a fight just so after we can make up I know not every time will make up but I do know that every time we will make out. Funny. I'm depressed I'm in love. I'm not in a relationship to have puppy love I'm in a relationship to be in a relationship. No if ands or buts.I'm a handful but I'm not high maintenance. I'm a shipwreck at sea. I'm hell and high water. I'm a tornado on the house you grew up with. Someone who wants to tear down your walls to see the beauty in you so then I can tell you about it. Someone who will point out your flaws, constantly. But only because I hope to work on them with you hope to help make you grow, in my own..blunt..ways. If we hang out too long I might...probably...get sick of you. And if we're too far away for too long I get jealous, confused... afraid. I'm strong. I am independent. I am someone who does not need you and I am someone who will not always want you. So I guess that's the beauty of me. I am no perfect human Nor will I ever be the perfect mate. I am crazy and weird and fun. I am stressful and passionate and want relationship neither one of us will ever forget. Because in a relationship that's just who I am.

Hello fears.

Darkness, alone, self worth,
Take a seat.
It's been awhile.
All pulling me back to you with your wicked ways.

Darkness.
What a feeling of utter nothing. Keeping not only the light of day out, but the people who surround away.
Alone.
Now alone with no one you come. Not to play but to remind me I'm alone.
Self worth...
Hi there. Quiet a bipolar one you are. Stuck with Alone you make me weak...but when you see light you are my friend..why must you play with me  like so?

Good bye, fears.
Take my tears and leave. I don't need you anyway

Her tears flowed down her cheeks and though she was crying over someone else he wish to be the tears that flowed down her cheek and over her rosy cracked lips. She was in no way perfect. Flaws where speckled on her body for everyone to see yet it was never her flaws  that kept him away. It was the same reason he knew she was sitting in the bathroom letting her pain ruin the makeup she placed on her eyes that hid the pain from the rest of the world. That crushing feeling she would never love him back or they would ruin what they "had". He also knew she was waiting for him to rescue her but the hero was afraid...he was human not demigod after all. As she climbs to the mirror to  catch a glimps of who she actually was he looks in wishing he'd gone to her.
Tomorrow she will wear that smile that he looks past. She was always transpartent to him thought everyone thought she was so happy. He could see the pain and instead of stopping it he continued to pray to be the tears that fell over her rosy cracked lips or the hair that got caught there when the pain grew too much.

his laugh is my favorite movie. I play the scenes over and over again in my head the way he smiles the way he looks at me  the way my hand fit into his. The million words that were said and his laugh that I lost. I lost the original so now I'm left with the movie playing in my head and knowing I will never have the feeling that I did when I got to watch it first hand. when I got to love him for the first time.

You love  the gentle force that slowly begins to get stronger with our every interaction. You love the way my hair stays wild like fresh from *** wild. And you love the way my eyes have that passion. You love the regret and darkness that hides there too...I know. But you've fallen in love with a tornado and I will tear you apart the closer you come. And the longer we interact the more you realize your resentment for me. You loved the beauty of this storm from a far now you might get hurt. You will not escape my love without a few broken peices.
But it will be the most beautiful hell you've ever ran with...I promise

I've always cared too much.
So now as I sit thinking of
All the things I've said that
Have messed up this relationship
I can't help cry and turn my
Attention to you. Hair, eyes,
Smile, lips that I have yet kissed.
Everything.
I'm reminded just how much
I care for you...and if you cared
Anywhere near how much I
Feel about you, you'd never let
me sit and feel this way....

How I feel for you.

My love for you was broken like the shattered mirror I drew on paper with my reflection was etched in its pieces. My love for you is hiding in the corner because my brain knows better than to let my heart back in my chest. My heart is the broken mirror as I draw on paper. My reflection girl who only wants to love when she can't even love herself.

How I feel for you.

My love for you it's like a beautiful meadow of roses yet I only get pricked by your thorns as I run through naively thinking the beauty of my love for you was two sided.

My love with....for you was only reciprocated when it fit you best because I loved you all the time. Every time we talked I let my heart creep back into my chest and let my brain take a break. Silly me? But you love me when you were alone when youneeded someone to be there for you and I have always been that person to be there for you. And I will always be the person who is here for you because I know my love is broken mirrors on paper and though my love is a meadow full of thorns, I know my love for you will always grow like the pretty buds at the top of the stem as it digs deeper into my skin, I know that in love with you I will always get to see a new reflection of me good or bad. Broken but whole.
My love for you warms and breaks my heart and I would go through it a thousand times just see your smile just to be there for you when you needed me just save you from being LONELY.BECAUSE I love you And for  me right now the hope you may be loving me back is enough to get me through the hellish day is all I need.

One day someone will love me the same. Someone will have a love for me so strong so influenced by infactuation and the time spent together but for I will notice because iknow that struggle and for you I'll be gone....

I love you more than I will ever be able to admit.

But I'll never be as popular as you.  I will never completely fit in with your friends. Together, we will always get looks because we are just so different... But when we're alone,  as you know, really not that different. and it's sad I love you because you will never reciprocate those feelings out loud if you feel that way at all.

I don't know what to do anymore. I am no love Messiah. I cannot read your mind if you do not respond to my questions. I know I acted too soon. I just thought you were different. I thought you would understand. But I forget that even though you both have problems doesn't mean they are the same and I'm sorry. I'm sorry but i will not say sorry until you tell me where I stand. For if you love me I will try but if you don't I will walk out of your life as if I was never there because I don't have it in me to worry about someone doesn't want to be with me in the first place. my love will never be perfect I will make mistakes I am human. I am good though. Normally I do play my cards right but this one time I messed up.but I don't know how to move on I don't know where to go from I can't read you. Please just speak to me. it hurts.

I never planned to kiss you that night.
But your sleepy eyes hold this unexplainable power that in that moment it was the only thing I wanted.
I never meant to play this game.
I put up walls, I became cold and hard, oil promised to never not know where I stand with someone...to always be straight forward....silly me for thinking you understand..you were the same.
I never meant to fall in love with you.
But in this hellish world you found the right time to enter, you put in effort, you stayed when I was my worst...when I was terrible to you...
So yeah I fell in love and I think it's a no...but I still can't tell if you feel the same.

I was so deeply in love with the though of you loving me. I was so deeply in love with loving you from a far and knowing **** well you knew I was head over heels and ready to throw myself at you no matter what.  
And you liked that didn't you? Knowing.
As the tears spill over my cheek I hope you know no one will ever really love that thought more than me and I know that I have a heartbreak as proof.
Ive given up on the thought because even putting it to action would only end up in my own devistaion because you will never be the man I love in my head.
And thinking about that man I have to realize it was never really you I loved at all.

Is it sad that I feel the most beautiful when I'm standing in front of my mirror half naked? When I feel the most ****.
I've never had the room to cry about a bad weight complex.
I've always been beautifully thin and  no angle not pleasing to look at...or so I've been told....

Told by the same male who broke down my walls and worked his hardest to get in...
only to see the beautiful body under this princess' gown.
The male who broke my walls and when left broke my heart leaving this beautiful body
empty.

I look in the mirror in my new lingerie feeling beautiful...feeling fake, because every time I see myself like this reminds me of how I looked just like this. Just as pretty, just as **** in my underclothes as I did then.  And it feels so wrong and so right that I stopped looking.

Its only  9:30...
and im getting that feeling i usually get at about 1:30.
That emptiness that i have begun to believe is heartbreak.
Its only 9:30...
and i want to die like its my last breath.

Its only 9:30 and all i can think of are the thoughts of you and how every minute without you is killing me.

She crushed his heart....now he knows how it feels.

She spoke to me in poetry
I was just too young and illiterate to understand

Here's the problem. I hate you. But I would give it all to wrap my legs around you and hold you close and kiss your lips. To run my fingers through your short hair. To smile as you do. How it kills me that it's not socially acceptable to slap your face as hard as I possibly can out of the blue, when no one knows what goes on between me and you. The more you use me the more I want you. Here's the problem. I think. I love you.

To the boy who makes loving easy again.
Don't stop.
I watch you feeling as if in a movie  and I'm not sure if my eyes sparkle as I watch you but I promise I feel like they do.
You make loving you so easy,I swear there is a catch.
Loving you is easy because my heart doesn't flutter and fill my mouth with butterfly words I didn't mean to say but mostly I fall deepest in love when there is nothing to say at all...when I get to watch you on the drive home with eyes that may or may not sparkle. I don't know.
When you look back just to check on my knowing I'm probably looking at you anyways and look just a second too long so you drift so close to the curb I'm forced to squeeze you hand just a pinch tighter.
My constant anxiety falls silent.
My concept of time ticks away.
I'm not sure why but it's a peace that I've never really felt before so if I'm clingy or want to be around you too much or even try to avoid you it's because I'm afraid to become addicted.
Loving you is easy, yes and now I know that movie love can be true.

I got a piece of candy from a girl about half my age. She called it her happy-pick-me-up. It was not as catchy as i think she thought it was. Yet she felt i needed it more than her...i was smiling on the bus when she gave me this but still she knew that plastered smile. As if i knew her i gave her a hug and felt the warmth of a learning soul.  I opened the candy with a smile and let the little piece of butterscotch melt over my tongue.  i knew it was just some cheap dollar store candy but it felt like a little happy-pick-me-up. She got off the bus at the next stop and she didnt wave goodbye or ask my name she left as if nothing had happened...
But something had happened a simple candy had seeped into a dark heart making me wish to take that girl home with me and speak to her for hours. made me wish to smile and cry in front of all three people left of the bus...as the butterscotch melted i craved more. more happy-pick-me-up's.

I constantly feel like I'm living in the slow lane while I'm suppose to be racing through life.

I've always hated heights.
I'm afraid of falling.
I'm scared to allow you in.
I put my walls up for a reason.
I've been hurt before.
I'm terrified of love.

And I cant be alone.

When you're as sad  as I you dont break down you melt.
You sit thinking about it...
Then you  search sad quotes or write poems or search about the zodiac compatibility or whatever helps you through the moment.
But then your eyes swell with water and you try to continue through blurred vision and soon you can feel those hot salty tears falling slowly down your face. You feel relaxed then but it really isn't enough to fix that gap. Nothing truly is.  And the worse thing is you are so vulnerable then...Anyone, him, her, could walk in and you would fall in love with them a thousand times over...and then you cry and continue to melt to the thought and soon your heart melts so much there is nothing left.

He used to sing to me
With a slow, meaningful , lull  of a voice that was calming yet painful to listen to him, because there was so much more than just the words.
I miss his singing.
It used to remind me I was alive. Reminded me I hurt...and that's okay.
But my music is gone.
I no longer can listen to a cover of a song I had never heard before but felt I had heard it a thousand times...or even when he sang with no real words...my heart would melt. I saw human in such a pure form...
He used to sing for me and take the pain away.

I made him a list of songs to listen to.

They tell my feelings, my heart break, my love...

And to tell him it all, all he has to do it listen....

and I never have to say a word.

I love your taste in music. It's  strange and something I would never find myself listening to by myself but with you it seems like second nature. It feels like something I've been meaning to do my whole life. I love when you hold my hand. How you  twittle our fingers. Our thumbs rubbing against each other a reminder that maybe you actually cared. I love the way you looked at me. It made me forget all the other looks I've been given by anyone. Its not the same with you. Your looks have me dying inside because you won't look my way now. The glimmer of something in your eyes as you check over your shoulder as you drive to see if I'm still paying attention. I was never one to fall asleep in the car but with you I just might. I just might because I would love to give you the opportunity to look over and see my sleeping face but now you won't look my way. I love the way that I still love you and I never said I love you and I never felt like I "loved"  you this is how I know I loved you. Because it never felt like falling. because it felt like  drifting asleep as you looked at me and in the car with your music blaring and our hands intertwined I never didn't trust you. Not until you didn't call. Afraid of my own insecurities and that I would never get to feel that feeling of drifting again I push you away and now I can't see past the walls that I put up. I can't tell if you're still standing there waiting for me or left. I love your smile and your blue eyes and the smell of the sweatshirt you here nearly every day. I like you more then I thought and I know I let you in quicker than I have let anyone else in but that's because I'm so tired..and drifting was just so easy.