This was not the life I chose.
I swore I was on another path
One where no one could stop me.
Maybe I was just too young and too naive.
Everything I thought I was escaping was waiting for me at the other end.
No, I never chose this but it sure did choose me.

There's a point of incredibly deep sadness when it all stops.
The world, the feelings, the crying at 3 o'clock in the morning it disappears.

I felt it last night and feared I had done something to try to make life stop but I hadn't so like many sad nights I escaped to dreams and wondered if I'd wake in the morning...

Not even the heart aches or longs for anything...like the brain finally one and now it sit quietly  in you chest. You hope it would cry like the -zillion times before to remind you it was there. But you get nothing just silence.

There is that point of deep silence where everything you wish would just go away....finally does....and it's not what you wanted.

I've reached that point and I want to go back...even when it hurt because now...I don't know what I even am.

Nothing has changed.
I still feel drained.
I am still the heartbroken girl I was months ago.
You really would think I would know.
But I fall time and time again.
Thinking that maybe this time they'll actually want to be my friend.
But it's always a lie.
Or the love always will die.

Because who could love a girl like me. and everyone loves a boy like him. and there always be a him that I will fall in love with things will never be alright the broken hearted girl.

Ist's hard to fall out of love with him when you're constantly reminded I've just why you fell in love in the first place. You swore you would never say you fell in love again but you did and truthfully maybe you never really fell deeply in  love after him. Maybe you never fell out of love with him either. And honestly you're in love with an image of him...so whenever you see his image on social media the butterflies in your stomach fluster. The beating  of your heart races as every angry you thought you have a towards him disappear, every single one. Because maybe he was your first puppy love maybe he he was your first love maybe he is your true love and maybe isn't/wasn't and even though it kills you to be away and not know something inside you will forever be reminded of your love for him even if he'll never be yours.

It's true pain is beauty.
You see it in the shadows of her bright  eyes and in  the broken fullness of her laugh.  You see it in the fake-Ness of her smile.  Every inch of her struggles you feel though she tries so hard to keep you sheltered from it...and you fall in love with the beautiful chaos.

You've  never felt more self pity
and embarrassment in school until
You've walked down the halls
Eyes brimmed with tears you
fight to hold in all day and the
Inability to tell anyone what's
going on because you know what
Has made you feel this way but
It all is just too much and putting
It in word would force the breath
Out of your lungs and the water out
of your eyes.

once again I turn to poetry because it makes a broken heart feel better. It's funny how venting feels so good when you twist and turn your words to make a cozy blanket that can help you fall asleep at night. I turn to poetry because not only am I alone, not only am I in love, but I'm also happy. I'm depressed. But I'm confident, charismatic. I turn poetry because of the war between my emotions and personality since each one wishes to go in separate ways I turn to poetry because poetry comes to me.

There's a prince in every PRINCEss.
So stay strong,beautiful.

" I just want to be loved"
She sobbed as hot tears reminded her she was alive

She silently called for a boy who would never be there.
A boy she mistook for a man because "he is different..."

Silly girl, he's not your prince... and maybe no one is.

Reality has a ugly face,
Long nose to poke her way into my business,
large eyes to find my every flaw.
Her lips always so small and so pursed but when she opens
it seems to become wider and she gets loud with her evil voice.
Reality is an ugly thing, with fingers long; to point,
and nails as sharp as knives to drive into my back.
She wears a robe of pure disgust.


Though reality be a ugly woman
and she hurts me with all her ways,
Reality can not effect me in my dreams.
In my dreams reality is so far away.
Her words can't touch my castle.
Nor can her weapons penetrate my heart here...

The sanctuary of my dreams can only last me for the night.

Reality is  an ugly thing.

I don't know, when it happened , why it happened, or even how it happened,finally that weight you left on my chest just disappeared. I looked at you loving her and though my heart still skipped a beat I no longer wished to be someone you love, someone I am NOT. I've come to accept that I am NOT someone you'll ever love. And that's okay. There's a bit of weight on my heart coming with realizing we both don't love each other but there's also a release of realizing I don't need you.I was so close to the edge waiting for you but realizing you really weren't at the bottom after all has made me come closer to someone who actually be out there for me. I'm not saying this makes me completely happy having hope for something near was great but now I have hope in general because I know it might not be you and I don't have to waste time hoping for only you it can be anyone and I'm willing for anyone. And I will never come back to you  i promise, from this day forth, because you played me and if you love her so much you can have her just keep me out of the equation.
I know you found my poetry so I hope you find this one too.I hope you read everything. Every beat every tear every cut in between them because that's all you have left for me. No more.

I've  finally moved on!

I constantly feel blue. That light baby blue that comes across the clean sky right after the rain. Its not as pretty of a feeling.  When yellow feelings roll along they mix and make confused. The yellow comes in mustard shades and mix to a rather ***** green. Slowly my confusion grows to anger and all I see is black, as the green got darker and darker until i'm looking into a pit of my emotions. That's when I see red. Not that angry fire red, no, that rosy  red. That red where my blood rushes with water. That perfect color of relief and love... if I could stay red forever,I would...but...
I constantly feel blue.

There is some relief as you move on and see he moves on too. It let's you breathe though when you look his way it does hurt a little bit....but then you see him fall as hard as you did...that's when the rest of the relief  sits in... cause you know she won't be there to catch him and he'll  land on his face and have to pick up every piece just like you did....there is something so relieving to know it's not only you... and paybacks a ***** ain't it?

Get out. I never asked you to come here. Just leave and take your luggage and take your words out my ****** heart. You run through my mind without knowing it and I can't seem to get you to leave when I bring it to your attention.


When did I fall for you? Must have been before the kiss because once we kissed  I wanted more of all of you. Get out and let me breathe.

Don't tell me to smile when it's obvious I'm livid. Grit teeth and anger seeping from my pores.  I won't ******* do it for you anymore.

I'd come so far to recovery
And somehow I find myself back at the start.

Should you support someone who broke you?

You can try and be bigger than what they left of you. To treat them like they aren't the monster you remember. Like they were the only ones hurting and that make it ok. That now they are going to change. Now it'll be different for them. Now they can be happy and you should be happy for them.

That night we danced until the party was over for some.
It was fun and I wished it always felt like that...and we weren't even together.
It was so loud when I whispered into your  ear  youmissed it..
You thought I wanted to meet you somewhere....
And I wish I had.
Guess we both missed the chance for sparks...

I've finally broken. I've done that bad thing you don't speak of. Four ever so small tally marks under my thumb. I promise it's not serious I just wished for some control over my body...No one's noticed, there was only one before, and it makes me wonder how many more before the secrets out. ;

Your ribs are cages
made by your bones to keep your fluttering heart in.
Your eye lids curtains
to  shield your eyes from what they really don't want to see .
Your body is your oasis made to protect you
dont let the world scare you into turning against it or your heart get too...adventurous.

Hey so take this with a grain of salt because I still can't pull myself from my anxiety to tell you this in person but I **** ed up and don't have time. Ive alwasy been wreck and honestly liking you was unexpected especially because I was talking to a  kid who I thought I liked.  You threw me off guard and it scared me so I threw up my defences. I'm not sorry for my anxiety attack or getting mad. I am sorry for expecting you to just get over it.I'm sorry for thinking you'd understand me without giving you the chance to see me jealous or protective or whatever. And I'm sorry for this ****** "sorry/explanation/confession" cause this isn't like me but I want to get this out of my head so I can enjoy my vacation next week not carrying this lump in my chest. This comes up because I was talking to the guy again and as we talked I was reminded I really still don't know where I stand with you and wanted to push myself to move on if you hated me.  Which you have the right to do so. Ok, enjoy your week!

It's becoming obvious that the thing I had thought I had tucked away was only playing a bigger game. It was when I thought to jump off the local bridge when I realized it was back and that shook every broken peice of me. I wanted to love "him" so bad but now the monster has made his name a bitter taste in my mouth. My depression makes me replay every mistake  I made with him a thousands time before it reminds me how pathetic of a person I am. There has never been an escape for me. I'm so sick of feeling alone and worthless. Alone and worthless...I was free.

The pain of what seems right and what you really want is always there....
Insanity and passion or sanity and security is the only choice in this world.

I will always choose the passion...
I will always fall for the phantom.
I will always fall for the insanity in the angel of music's keep.

And if that makes me wrong, drop the chandelier.

The truth is one of those late night chats made me fall deeply in love with you. The truth is I love your smile, I love the games and the teasing.
I was only ever upset with the guilt that came with being so deep and you NOT being mine.
I love the dimples in your cheeks and the way the light hits your eye. I loved when you played tough and when you think your a tough guy because I can see through all that  and I've watched it melt. I love the sarcasm and how you can handle my jokes.
I've only ever been defensive and pushed you away because I'm terrified to be hurt again. You know what I've gone through can you really blame me?
I love you and I'm hopelessly jealous of not having you...I'm not sorry I'm just in love. And I don't think you really know and it kills me everyday

As the breeze kisses my skin I see him dancing there.  He dances like a fool but I'm captivated by his spirit.  I always have been.
My hair in curls and  beautifully  braided, sparkling gems in the light studding the  waterfall  of locks that  starts at my head and falls down my shoulder. I cut and dyed my hair hoping he would notice plus...it helps me looks so...beautiful...I needed the change...i needed the confidence.
  My red dress is large and sparkles around me. I look beautiful...but that doesn't matter to me because when I see him dance on the dark floor all I can hope is he'll do the dance with me one more time.
But I've scared him away....I wanted to commit not to play....he only knows play.  So as I stand watching him dance alone.
I force myself onto the floor and spin in my big red dress with studs of diamond in my hair.
I spin faster and faster wishing I could be a tornado and destroy it all, just end it all. There's nothing to love when its all dead, right?  But I only spin fast enough to look like a spinning princess on the floor. But I  dont wish to be a princess if I have to wait for the prince it's my night though it wont end how I planned, this princess  tried to bring her prince back by beauty...because it was her last resort. her mind such a wonderful but scary and touchy place  how could she possibly think the boy who spins on the floor without a care be the prince she needs to overcome it all.

Today.
I could not rise .
Depression kept me there.
It all began with you, you know?
Tomorrow....

God, I crave that touch...
It doesn't matter where, no.
Just that touch.
And I only crave it from you.
That splendid moment of anticipation
only being met with a touch:
a touch that means next to nothing
other than the fact it is the first touch.
The touch that makes you beg for more.

There is that feeling.

That feeling that puts me in front of the screen to write though I will delete every poem I put down. Reader know they all are about him but you knew that already. You've felt that. That feeling.

It feels like an empty pit that spans from the breath in you chest to the bottom of your stomach and it aches so badly.  You want nothing more than to just fish the feeling out pull it from you body and breathe freely again without that pressure on your lungs.

That feeling that makes you feel like your flying and falling all at the same time. Wind in your feathers  as they are torn from your  skin. That feeling.

You called her perfect.
You know it only hurts because I rember when you called  me that, too.
May we all join the ex-club once those lies are uttered.

I don't get war. Truly.  The bloodbath from guns fired. I don't understand.  I wish we could fight knifes and fists...there would be so much less death I swear. I don't understand why so many have to die for politics. For money and land. We are all the same. We are all humans and  we live this earth as one whether some want to accept this or not. Why must we die?  Nameless soldiers spewn on a battlefield and their lives...meant NOTHING. But a lost battle. Every war. Every Battle. A LOST  fight for all sides.
Petty.
My stomach is calm when I speak of this its my heart that twists and turns like what I wish my stomach did because then it wouldn't hurt as bad.
Petty.

My heart used to long for you.
Yet this morning as i woke up I felt nothing and my heart whispered,
" You know...lets just give up on him..."
Now that hurt. My heart was so sad and it had definitely been crying all night.
It crawled back into my chest as I lay there, staring at the ceiling, and locked the door.
I could hear the weeping behind that door. It was my own and tears had begun to flow with the words my heart could never say.
There was a moment where everything went dead. My heart stopped my muscles no longer tense...my blood no longer rushing around my unworthy body.
My brain broken from its shell and   carefully walked to my chest. it sat at the door to my heart and knocked. I knew it wanted to say it was right and we'd find another but it felt so guilty.
So it sat and I laid looking at the ceiling feeling that nothingness and pain.
The heart began throwing things against the door not at the brain but just at life and my brain walked away.
Back in my head my brain stayed silent...more silent than its ever been and here I am now. calling for my heart to come out again....
after him...I doubt it ever will.

It's so funny when people say make lemonade!
Because all the lemons I've ever been given,
have been moldy and much to bruised to truly
make some good lemonade to get me through
the day.

And secondly where am I suppose to get the sugar from?
Water is easy I can just use the tears from the times
when the lemons were sprayed in my eyes instead
of given to me.
But sugar? It that a joke?Life has never been that sweet.

For all those who say when "when life gives you
lemons make lemonade"...I'd like you to have
the first drink of my moldy lemon,tear water, no sugar...
Lemonade.

When your smile turns to a frown.
We used to glance at each other with such hope. Hoping someone would act first.  Now I glance at you hoping to meet that glance one more time so I know I should act. Now, I look away quickly just hoping you don't see the crying hidden behind the fake smiles I use to walk down the hall.
When your smile turned to a frown I realized I was just a fill between her and the next.  I realized you never liked me at all.  And I realized I fall too hard too fast.
When your smile "comes" to me again...this time I know to walk the other way.

If you say I'm your girlfriend..
You can pick me up after work or I'll drive to yours and lock you lips with mine and tell you I'm sorry because to make it work I'll swallow my pride. I'll entwine my fingers with yours and remind you I am a tornado and the closer you get the more you'll get hurt but I will love you.
If you say we are just...friends...
I will wait until you get over this and always be there  because I will love you from the shadows. I will be by your side because I know not every one you love will love you back the same.
If you say we are nothing...
That you never want to see my face again...
I will leave and cry myself to sleep for endless nights but I promise I will never bother you again. We will be the ones who let eachother walk away but I will go.

Just please for the sake of my sanity....
Let me know

Why the hell did I fall for you?
When I was minding my own **** buisness
You walked on the edge of my mind until you found your way in.

Please. Be gentle with me...those walls. They were supposed to protect me.

She wished to wear your 73 football jersey.
She wished  to see you smile with dimples so deep she felt her heart ached in their presence.
She wished to taste your tongue as it perused her teeth.
She wished to feel the warmth of your hand in hers as you walked down the aisles.
She wished you'd still choose her even though she knew you had began to look for someone new...
She wished to wear your jersey....
and she wished for you.
Yet, not one of her dreams ever came true.

Your lips phantom kiss me as I daydream of you. They being  petal soft with a gentle pressure that takes my breath away. Those lips who  haven't yet kissed mine though I feel a determination to make that untrue because they have my mind scrambling to taste. I want them to be solely mine

Sing me a song in soft words
of just you and me together.
Whisper those sweet nothings
to lull me to sleep and soften
my nightmares because
tonight that is exactly the
kind of lullaby I need.
Hold me close to your
heart  and let me listen
to the slow and steady
beat of your rhythm.  
Breath out the sound
of the ocean to crash
with my swirling mind.
Send me to sleep with
the rustle in the sheets
as you move to lay by
my side, for the morning
the night will be over and
all your songs will be sung
yet I will  have heard your
lullaby. Soft, sweet and slow
and if I could choose I'd lie
listening to it forever.