When I asked my wife what I was getting for Christmas, she kicked me in the *****.
That wasn't what I wanted for Christmas, that wasn't what I wanted at all.
When she kicked me down there, she said "Merry Christmas, mother f*".
When it came to choosing a good wife,I really blew it, I sure was a sucker.
I learned that she had taken out a million dollar life insurance policy on me.
It was the night before Christmas and my wife put rat poison in my tea.
But I had already found the insurance policy and I poured the tea down the drain.
I had the ***** committed, she'll be wearing a straight jacket for Christmas because I had her declared insane.
When she kicked me in the nuts, it gave her pleasure when she saw me fall.
When I asked what I was getting for Christmas, I got a swift kick in the *****.

Even though you did me wrong, I've written a few poems about you.
You came in my house and stole some pills, that was a bad thing to do.
You also borrowed some money but didn't repay what you owed.
Sadly, you can't celebrate this Christmas because you died half a year ago.
This will be the first Christmas since 1969 that you're not alive.
You died six months ago today, you weren't able to survive.
You had a heart murmur but half a year ago, your heart stopped beating.
When it came to death, it was something you had no chance of defeating.

Lots of people all over the world will celebrate the Yuletide.
This will be the seventh Christmas that has come around since you died.
We celebrated many Christmases together but we'll never do that again.
Christmas is a time for peace on Earth and goodwill to all men.
It was nice that we celebrated Christmases while you were here.
But during the Christmas of 2012, I didn't know the end was near.
If we could spend this Christmas together, it certainly would please me.
But that isn't possible and Christmases aren't as good as they used to be.
On Christmas Day, people should be with their families.
When we celebrated Christmas, it was always sure to please.
A person is never truly gone if he or she is somebody who people remember.
You'll be with me in spirit even though I'll be alone on the 25th of December.
When you died at the young age of 64, it was hard for me to understand it.
Merry Christmas Mom, you were one of the greatest mothers on the planet.

Certain people hate the Wii U, they call it a piece of crap.
But I like the game console and I think it got a *** rap.
It's no XBOX One or PS4 but it's not an abomination.
I believe it was good and that's not an exaggeration.
Yes, a few of its games do stink, especially Paper Mario: Color Splash.
When I played that game, I'd get so mad that I wanted to throw it in the trash.
Nintendo released the Switch after they axed the Wii U.
People hated the console and so it was discontinued.
I hated to see the Wii U fail, it has become another Dreamcast.
Certain people hated the Wii U and now it's a thing of the past.

A man has cancer and he has been given only six months to live.
Years ago, he did a man wrong and the parents and siblings are refusing to forgive.
He became angry because he lost at checkers and he evicted that poor man.
Even though he wants them to forgive, he said if they can't, he'll understand.
He evicted the man that day in January and the poor man froze to death.
When he decided to throw him out, it caused that man to draw his last breath.
The landlord felt remorse when he learned that the man died.
The guilt devoured him and he thought about committing suicide.
He screamed "WHAT HAVE I DONE?!"
He went to his closet and got his gun.
He put the gun barrel in his mouth but didn't have the guts to pull the trigger.
Those people will carry their grudge to their graves because they're so bitter.
Those people refuse to forgive, they won't even try.
I just hope they can forgive themselves when he dies.

Let me tell you about an experience that wasn't great.
I would follow women around the grocery store and ask for dates.
Every single one of them said no when I asked.
Getting a date turned out to be an impossible task.
I had some particularly bad experiences because some of those women were married.
The paramedics were called several times and when I left the store, I had to be carried.
The husbands had hate in their eyes when they attacked.
The single ladies cussed me out and gave me hard smacks.
Because I bothered the ladies, I was finally asked to leave the store and I was also banned.
It looks like I won't be having *** any time soon so that means I'll have to use my hand.

Today would've been Arthenia's birthday if she hadn't died.
Last year, I lost my aunt and my uncle lost his bride.
Arthenia died in 2018 and she was born in 1955.
She'd be celebrating her birthday if she was alive.

Arthenia's life was saved when she had open heart surgery several years ago.
But if you're wondering if surgery could've saved her again, the answer is no.
Arthenia lost her life, sadly, it's true.
She left this world at the age of 62.

I bought my newest dog one year ago, today is our first anniversary.
Last year, some nice people cut the price in half and sold him to me.
When I bought him, I only paid one hundred.
They sold me a Chihuahua and his name is Red.
I take care of him and he lives in my basement.
When I bought him, it was a hundred bucks that was well spent.
When I bought him, I was amazed at how fast he warmed up to me.
Red is very pretty with brown fur and today is our first anniversary.

Back in the nineties, a video game was made that was called 'Mario is Missing'.
But the game was changed, the original title was going to be 'Mario is *******'.
In the game, Luigi has to find his brother who is taking a ****.
But they learned that people would've been offended by this.
They changed it because it would've been offensive to watch Mario ***.
They changed it because that was something nobody would want to see.
In addition to seeing Mario ***, people would've seen his tiny *******.
And Luigi would've laughed because Mario's ***** is only half an inch long.
Luigi would've belittled Mario and he would've laughed until he lost bladder control.
People would've also seen Luigi **** because his brother's **** is smaller than a tootsie roll.

I'm happy to say that I quit smoking half a year ago.
It's been six months today since I last smoked tobacco.
When I was presented with the opportunity to quit, I decided to reach out and grab it.
All that I needed was some nicotine patches and faith in God to be able to kick the habit.
I quit smoking even though it's not an easy thing to do.
If you're a smoker who wants to quit, I believe in you.

It was Halloween night but I had no candy.
But I did have an air rifle and it came in handy.
Because I had no candy, some punks started vandalizing my house.
Just because I shot them with my air rifle, people called me a louse.
I pumped the air rifle ten times and shot one of them in the *****.
The **** juvenile couldn't walk back to his house, he had to crawl.
I put pellets up their ***** so that a valuable lesson would be taught.
Before they vandalize another man's house, they will have 2nd thoughts.
But the cops came to my house and I was the one who was placed under arrest.
Apparently it was illegal when I shot them in their *****, ***** and a girl's left breast.
Sadly, shooting the girl was an accident, I shot her as she was walking past.
After I got out of jail, her dad paid me a visit and put my arms and legs in casts.
There was a valuable lesson that those juvenile delinquents learned.
I shoot people who are vandals, that's why none of them have returned.

You were an actor and your death has caused remorse.
You starred in 'Me, Myself and Irene' and 'Delta Force'.
I became your fan at the age of eight when you starred in 'The Black Hole'.
Some people hated that movie but I like it and your death has taken its toll.
You guest starred in 'Magnum P.I., '******, She Wrote' and 'Walker, Texas Ranger'.
You had a  ton of fans who you never met but in their eyes, you weren't a stranger.
When you starred in 'Jackie Brown', you were nominated for an Oscar.
Because of your talent, you were destined to be a wonderful movie star.
You starred in the 1998 remake of '******' and 'Small Town Crime'.
Because of your charisma, you'll be remembered until the end of time.

Some agree with what my brother did but others don't understand.
Something bad happened and he decided to cut off his right hand.
It all started when a boy played truth or dare with our stupid nephew.
When my brother walked outside on his porch, he found Blu-rays of the new Doctor Who.
He picked up the Blu-rays to throw it in the trash but it had been covered with Gorilla Glue.
When he saw that it was stuck to his hand, he started screaming and he knew what he had to do.
His doctor examined him and said the Blu-rays were stuck to his hand permanently.
It could never be unglued and my poor brother knew what he had to do immediately.
He knew if he carried around those Blu-rays, people would think that he likes the new Doctor Who TV Show.
He couldn't let people think such a terrible thing and he decided then and there that his hand had to go.
He couldn't afford surgery to have it amputated so he used an axe.
He closed his eyes and it was severed after he gave it two whacks.
Our nephew owned up to being the one who pulled the prank.
It wasn't a nice thing to do and the brat sure wasn't thanked.
Our sister is mad because our brother and I got revenge against her son.
When we were through with our nephew, people would point and make fun.
We posted a picture on Instagram of our nephew putting rolled up socks in his underwear.
He had a nervous breakdown because the humiliation was too much for him to bear.
When my brother chopped off his hand, some people said it was a stupid thing to do.
But it was worth it to prevent people from thinking that he likes the new Doctor Who.

When I say Zombies ate my neighbors, I'm not talking about a video game.
Zombies ate my neighbors and I'm one of the Zombies who is to blame.
Because my family and I are undead, it put us in very bad moods.
My family and I croaked because our neighbors poisoned our food.
A big corporation was going to pay top dollar for every house on the block.
But when my family and I refused to sell, the neighbors were angry and shocked.
I wouldn't sell the house that I've lived in since I was five.
And that is why my wife and kids and I did not survive.
Our neighbors had a barbecue and my family and I ate the food that they grilled.
But we wouldn't have touched the food if we had known that we would be killed.
My family and I have risen from the grave, we have green skin and are zombies.
When our neighbors saw us, they ****** their pants and cried for their mommies.
Our neighbors killed us because money was something they thought they'd gain.
When we had our homicidal neighbors for supper, we started with their brains.
Our greedy neighbors killed us and we returned the favor.
Stay away from my family and I because human flesh is what we savor.

When it came to my existence, you and Mom were my creators.
But Mom died in March of 2013 and you died four months later.
When you died, you joined Mom in Heaven.
You were brought into this world 72 years ago today in 1947.
But I'm sorry to have to say that you and Mom aren't with us anymore.
I didn't want to believe it when the doctor said that you were done for.
I remember thinking that now I have no parents on the night when you died.
You were born 72 years ago today but your life ended in 2013 on the 13th of July.

I remember what happened 24 years ago.
I went to Walmart and bought a 3DO.
The 3DO was a video game console and it was 32 Bit.
Contrary to what some believe, it wasn't a *******.
It was almost as good as Sony's original Playstation.
I decided to buy a 3DO after some consideration.
I eventually bought the original Playstation but I bought the 3DO first.
It wasn't the greatest video game console but it certainly wasn't the worst.
It had some great games: Killing Time, Road Rash and the original Need For Speed.
But Plumbers Don't Wear Ties was so terrible that it will make your eyes bleed.
I was only twenty-four years old at the time, that was half a lifetime ago.
Panasonic, Sanyo and GoldStar were the three companies who manufactured the 3DO.

If video games were like crack, I would've been dead long ago.
If video games were like crack, I would be buried six feet below.
If video games were like crack, I would've overdosed and wouldn't be alive.
If video games were like crack, I wouldn't have been able to survive.
If video games were like crack, somebody would've had to call my next of kin.
If video games were like crack, I wouldn't have played video games ever again.
If video games were like crack, I would've been like a man who can't swim, I would've drowned.
If video games were like crack, my ex-wife would be happy because I'd no longer be around.

When it comes to my neighbor, I usually have a fit.
He irritates the hell out of me and he's a chicken ****.
He has wild parties that last until 3 A.M.
I'm sick of having to put up with him.
When I went to his house one night,
I made the mistake of challenging him to a fight.
When he showed up for the fight, the wimp brought along four other guys.
He talks tough but when it comes to being a chicken ****, he takes the prize.
Showing up with four other men made him feel empowered.
I got my *** handed to me but unlike him, I'm not a coward.
All five of them beat the crap out of me and they made me eat their fists.
Now I have to gum my food because my teeth are gone and sorely missed.
But at least I was able to land one very hard punch.
I hit my neighbor in the belly and he lost his lunch.
It didn't take long to realize something that I'm not ashamed to admit.
I got the living hell beat out of me but at least I'm not a chicken ****.

A man's birthday only comes around once a year.
You wanted revenge because I drank your last beer.
You decided to get even by ruining my birthday.
You got even by giving me the new Doctor Who on Blu-ray.

You know that I hate the new Doctor Who, I think it's a piece of crap.
Now you've started crying like a two year old because I gave you a slap.
I loathe the new Doctor Who TV Show and I let everybody know about it.
You bought me a piece of crap for my birthday and it's making me throw a fit.

Even though I apologized for drinking your last beer, you decided to make me pay.
You had an evil grin on your face as you handed me the new Doctor Who on Blu-ray.
Everybody had to cover their ears because I said a lot of cuss words.
I burned your present because I would've rather been given a ****.

Fall is my second favorite season of the year.
I love the Autumn as much as people love beer.
The leaves will change color and fall from the trees.
When it comes to the Autumn, it is sure to please.
Fall is a season that I really appreciate.
I love the Autumn because it's great.

Last week while I slept, my **** neighbor decided to rob me.
He stole my car which was an identical copy of the General Lee.
As I painted the car, he told me not to include the flag that was on top.
When he saw me adding the flag, the **** fool demanded that I stop.
My neighbor wanted me to stop because the Confederate Flag isn't politically correct.
He was going to take the car to the crusher but died when the car was wrecked.
I punched out that PC ***** because I got tired of hearing him nag.
He stole my car because I ignored his demand not to include the flag.
He decided to jump the General Lee as he drove down the road.
He wouldn't have done that if he'd known the car would explode.
A car gets demolished if it's jumped in real life, but that was something he didn't know.
He wanted revenge because I added that flag and the Pearly Gates was where he had to go.

One minute everything was fine but the next, everything went sour.
Terrorists hijacked some planes and attacked the World Trade Towers.
Because of those **** terrorists, 2,977 innocent people were killed.
They attacked the World Trade Towers which took six years to build.
Construction of the Towers began in 1966 and ended in 1972.
What those terrorists did was s cowardly and evil thing to do.
The people who were born on that day are now adults legally, time flies.
An entire nation still mourns the loss of each and every person who died.

If John hadn't died because of drugs, he would've turned forty-nine today.
If John hadn't died, his fiftieth birthday would've been just one year away.
The paramedics had planned to perform CPR but they saw it was something John didn't need.
They quickly learned that performing CPR would've done no good so they did not proceed.
Sadly, John had died and he went to be with the Lord.
His arm was sticking upward, he was as stiff as a board.
I learned about the circumstances of his death from the people who he lived with.
John had done me wrong before he died and the time has come for me to forgive.
I had to threaten him with legal action because he'd been coming in my house and swiping some of my medicine.
I informed him that I'd have him arrested if he came on my property again.
Because of taking drugs, those drugs turned out to be John's noose.
Sadly, he was destined to die because of his many years of drug use.

My eight year old son was sick and I'm falling apart.
My eight year old died and it has broken my heart.
Even though he was just a child, he died of cancer.
You may be wondering why and I may have the answer.
Cancer is something that runs in my family.
And because of that, my wife blames me.
I begged God for a miracle but my son didn't get what he was needing.
He died and his mother hates me, she has started divorce proceedings.
Why do things like this happen, why has my life been so unfair?
I lost my only son and my wife and it's too much for me to bear.
Please don't feel bad because of what I just did and please don't cry.
I've taken an overdose of pills to end my misery, I intend to die.

Her name is Chun Li and she first appeared in Street Fighter II.
Don't make this woman angry or she'll beat the hell out of you.
Many people make a comment that embarrasses her and her face turns red.
They tell her that she's supposed to wear her bra on her chest instead of her head.
Chun Li studied Martial Arts for several years and she sure does know how to fight.
And if you have any drugs, she'll steal them because she likes to get higher than a kite.

I had to travel through eight worlds to save Princess Peach.
But she's about as warm and caring as a blood ******* leech.
After killing seven fake Bowsers, I finally destroyed the real one.
I did it to save Peach but it was something I shouldn't have done.
She turned out to be a snob, she called me dumb and Luigi dumber.
She said that we're worthless in her eyes because we're just plumbers.
I had to fight turtles and Goombas and I told her that I deserved to be thanked.
She said that I'm dust beneath her feet and I decided that she should be spanked.
I put her over my knee and I spanked that soft ***.
She cried and cried which proves that she has no class.
I was only given a few lives and I had to travel through thirty-two levels to be able to win.
I would've dumped Peach in the lava instead of Bowser if I had things to do over again.

I stole one of Donald Trump's credit cards five years ago.
I spent ten million dollars and prison was where I had to go.
I bought a lot of expensive things, including a Ferrari.
I committed credit card fraud and I'm not at all sorry.
I hid everything I bought really well so that it can't be retrieved.
Trump has tried to find it but it's something he hasn't achieved.
Trump said he wouldn't press charges if I would give the merchandise back.
I gave him the finger and he spat on me so I had to give him a hard smack.
I slapped the taste out of the President's mouth and he started crying.
Even though Trump hasn't found the merchandise, he won't stop trying.
Yesterday, my sister planted a few of the stolen items in Hillary Clinton's house.
The police hauled Hillary away in handcuffs and they also arrested her spouse.
But Bill resisted arrest so the police had to use tear gas.
They also beat him with their billy clubs and kicked his ***.
The cops believe that Bill and Hillary were accomplices to my crime.
And that almost makes up for me having to do hard time.

In just a couple of minutes, I'm going to die.
You are probably curious so I'll tell you why.
A man has slapped a pair of handcuffs on my wrists.
He thinks I'm sleeping with his wife and he's ******.
But he has also crammed a stick of dynamite up my ****.
He lit the fuse because his wife turned out to be a ****.
But I'm not his wife's lover, he's punishing the wrong guy.
I'm about to be blown to kingdom come, I don't want to die.
But the dynamite didn't explode, it turned out to be a dud.
But he isn't done with me yet, he intends to spill my blood.
He just pulled out a knife and said that this is the end.
But his slutty wife just drove past with her boyfriend.
He has removed the cuffs and apologized because he was going to ****.
I just crammed a lit stick of dynamite up his *** to show him how it feels.

In 1987, he starred in a movie that was called 'The Monster Squad'.
At a very young age, he died and went to Heaven to be with God.
Two other movies that he starred in were 'Home Free' and 'Dance 'Til Dawn'.
When he died of Pneumonia in 1997, it was hard to believe that he was gone.
He abandoned his acting career to study law before dying at the age of 22.
To die at such a young age is unfair and ridiculous, and that certainly is true.

I adopted Agnes six years ago today.
She'll be my dog until she passes away.
I named my Chihuahua after my late mother.
She's my dog and I won't trade her for any other.
Agnes got sick and a veterinarian examined her.
The vet discovered that she has a heart murmur.
Because of a tick, Agnes was temporarily paralyzed.
I didn't know a tick could do that, I was surprised.
She nearly died and it was hard for me to stand it.
Agnes is one of the greatest dogs on the planet.

His name is Mario Mario and he was Nintendo's mascot.
He used to be Nintendo's biggest star but now he's not.
Nintendo fired Mario when they learned that he has a Playstation 4.
They didn't want an employee who plays the games of a competitor.
He thought Luigi would take up for him but he's the one who turned Mario in.
When Mario got done with him, he was sorry and he won't betray Mario again.
When Luigi turned his brother in, Nintendo agreed to let Luigi take his place.
After Mario beat Luigi senseless, he started jumping up and down on his face.
Luigi learned that turning his brother in was a really stupid thing to do.
Mario broke several of Luigi's body parts and his face looks like an old shoe.
Mario believes that Nintendo is dumb because they made his first and last names the same.
And the entire world is shocked because there will be no future Mario games.

I found out why a lot of people started hating me.
I was a screenwriter and I wrote Superman III.
I never dreamed that I'd be bullied when I became a screenwriter.
But people think my writing ***** and I had to become a fighter.
The Warner Bros. executives quickly wished they had thrown my screenplay in the trash.
Years later, I wrote an even worse screenplay which is titled 'The Adventures of Pluto Nash'.
My days of being a screenwriter were over and I was in tears.
Eddie Murphy beat the hell out of me because I ruined his career.
Other people also beat me up so I started taking karate classes.
I earned a black belt and I started kicking people's *****.
If you're another bully, I need to tell you something before we start fighting.
You should back off because I'm far better at karate than I am at screenwriting.

You hired me to be a cook at your restaurant.
I'll cook but I won't do everything you want.
When you said what you wanted, I said no.
I'll cook the food but I won't peel the potatoes.
I won't peel potatoes or anything else either.
Your daughter is accusing me of ****** harassment and you believe her.
The truth is that she desperately wants me to be her *** slave.
When I refuse, she becomes vindictive and she misbehaves.
She tore her dress and said that I attacked her.
I'd had all I could take so I finally smacked her.
I won't give in to her demands, if I have to, I'll take her to court.
She's the ugliest girl I've ever seen, her face is covered with warts.
Because I won't be her piece of ***, she tries to get me in hot water.
I won't peel your vegetables and I won't sleep with your ugly daughter.
When I got this job, I thought that I would love it.
But I've decided to quit, take this job and shove it.

Mom carried me for ten months, I was one month late.
Tomorrow will be my birthday and I'll be turning forty-eight.
In just two years from now, I will have lived for half a century.
It was 576 months ago when my mom gave birth to me.

You've been dead for the same amount of time that you lived, forty-two years.
You were loved and your death devastated each and every one of your peers.
You didn't perform in all fifty states, one state that you missed was Montana.
You performed your last concert on June 26, 1977 in the state of Indiana.
Two of your hit songs were 'All Shook Up' and 'Hound Dog'.
You had great taste in motorcycles, you sure did love Hogs.
You had a wonderful life but not a life that was long.
When doctors constantly prescribed those pills, it was wrong.
You loved to give away Cadillacs, you truly had a heart of gold.
It was very sad to lose you when you were only 42 years old.
One of your friends saw you putting a hole in your foot with a drill.
When he asked you why, you said you were doing it to get more pills.
When you died on August 16, 1977, every one of your fans were in tears.
You've been dead for the same amount of time that you lived, forty-two years.

As children, when Lucy pulled away the football, it was cute.
Back then I could laugh about it and I didn't give a hoot.
But now that I'm fifty-one years old, it isn't cute anymore.
Yesterday, Lucy pulled away the football like the many times before.
I punched her really hard and I knocked that **** to the ground.
Here came Linus to defend his sister and I had to take him down.
I pounded on his head and I crammed his blanket up his ****.
Schroeder joined in and I knocked him out with an uppercut.
I even had to beat up Peppermint Patty.
Maybe I shouldn't have called her a fatty.
Charles Schulz made me lack self confidence when I was a kid and that wasn't good.
If I could travel back in time to beat the crap out of him, you'd better believe I would.

When I went to Las Vegas, I lost all of my money and I also lost my wife's entire life savings.
I have no hair left on my body because she grabbed my electric razor and started shaving.
I told her to calm down and that she should be forgiving.
That really ****** her off and I'm lucky to still be living.
She said she was forgiving, she was for giving me a swift beating.
My jaw is wired shut and the doctor told me to forget about eating.
For only twenty-four hours, the Golden Corral was giving everybody a free buffet.
But I can't even eat one morsel of food, so I had to turn it down, I've seen better days.
My wife is so ferocious that if she was a dinosaur, she would be a T-Rex.
I learned something as she kicked my ***, she's not the weaker ***.
Her life savings came to a total of ninety grand.
She was my supervisor at work and I was canned.
She's so furious because of what I did that she's thinking about getting a divorce.
She sold my car to get some of her money back and I'm using a buggy and a horse.
I'm scared because of the angry and violent way that she has been behaving.
You'd better listen when I tell you not to gamble away your spouse's life savings.

A man murdered his stepdaughter and framed me for the crime.
I was arrested and found guilty by a jury and I had to do hard time.
He blew his stepdaughter's head off because she refused to sleep with him.
He tried everything he could to get what he wanted but she wouldn't give in.
She was a good girl and she would not betray her own mother.
He murdered her in cold blood, that's how little he thought of her.
I was the gardener and I had a crush on the man's stepdaughter.
But he set me up, he made it look like I was the one who shot her.
He hid the ****** weapon in my apartment.
When the cops found it, jail was where I went.
While doing hard time, the thought of getting even kept me from coming unhinged.
The only thing that kept me going was knowing that I would eventually get revenge.
Getting revenge wasn't just something that I wanted, it was also something that I needed.
But that scumbag died just one month before my release, so when it came to getting revenge, I was cheated.
I wanted to torture that pervert and when he truly suffered, he would die by my hand.
I wanted him to beg for mercy he wouldn't receive and I truly wanted to **** that man.
I'm thinking about committing suicide because I was unable to make him pay.
How can I go on when my chance of getting revenge has been taking away?

I'm one of the owners of a trucking company that's called STD.
Nobody will hire us, even when we offered to work for free.
The STD stands for Simpson, Taylor and Drees.
But people think it stands for sexually transmitted disease.
My partners suggested that we rename our company to DTS or TDS.
But I'm Simpson and I founded the company, so I refused to say yes.
You don't see any of our trucks on the road because people are afraid of us.
They think we have Aids or ****** and it causes a lot of anger and disgust.
We don't have an STD, so please hire us, I'm so desperate that I'm willing to crawl.
If you don't hire us, I'll personally come to your house and kick you in the *****.

We have very little money so we're living in our truck.
We are in need of shelter but sadly, we are out of luck.
My wife's dad offered to give us shelter but we had to obey his rules.
I turned him down, some people call me a rebel, others call me a fool.
I would **** to have a bed that is nice and soft.
Winter is coming up so we'll freeze our ***** off.
When a man cussed my wife and I out, he had the mouth of a sailor.
He beat me up because we secretly moved into his travel trailer.
He said we could've lived in his travel trailer if we had asked first.
As he beat me senseless, I thought I would be hauled in a hearse.
We are both broke, people certainly can't say that we have big bucks.
Because I'm a rebel who won't live by rules, we'll continue to live in our truck.

It's that time of the month again, your rent is due.
You'd better pay up or I'll beat the hell out of you.
Don't try to get out of paying again, I don't want to hear an excuse.
Stop trying to get pity by saying you were a victim of ****** abuse.
I want my money, I don't want to hear excuses or lies.
When it comes to giving me an excuse, don't even try.
Do I get my money or do you get a beating?
Pay me or my fists are what you'll be eating.
You just insulted me, you said that I'm so fat that I look like the Goodyear Blimp.
I just punched you in the face and you've started crying because you're a wimp.
Stop blubbering like a two year old, be mature like an adult.
And I will permanently disable you if you hurl anymore insults.
I'd like to avoid sending you to the emergency room and myself to jail.
Just gimme my **** money, I'm getting tired of having to raise hell.

A Wizard gave my cousin two choices, become an ogre or praise the new Doctor Who.
It took less than five seconds for him to choose what to do.
He chose to become an ugly green ogre even though it will be for the remainder of his days.
He chose to be an ogre because the new Doctor Who TV show isn't something he'll ever praise.
He became an ogre two years ago and this morning I learned that he doesn't regret it.
He doesn't regret his choice even though he's so ugly that he makes Shrek look like Brad Pitt.
When he was given the choices, he was expected to praise the new Doctor Who.
He has always loved the original Doctor Who TV show but he sure does hate the new.

A taxi driver charged me fifty bucks for a short trip.
And then the S.O.B. had the nerve to ask for a tip.
When I said no, he started giving me lip.
I pulled him out of his taxi and broke his hip.
With his expensive fares, he robs people blind.
When he asked for a tip, he was out of his mind.
I punched that sorry punk over and over again.
He tried to fight back by kicking me in the shin.
But I didn't even feel it and I certainly didn't care.
When I was done, he had to but a wheelchair.
When he overcharged me and asked for a tip, it was a stupid thing to do.
If you're a taxi driver who does the same, I'll find you and kick your *** too.

Some people don't like the fact that I have opinions to express.
Some people don't like it and that's what I'm going to address.
Certain people may want me to like what they like and to agree with their views.
But I'm not always going to see eye to eye with them or with you.
There is something that is important and it must be understood.
I won't agree with certain things just because I'm told that I should.
I'm my own person, there are certain things that I believe in and certain things that I dislike.
Everybody has the right to their opinions and if others say they don't, they can take a hike.

When I agreed to work for room and board, I was told that it would be good.
But the boss lied to me about the chow, it wasn't something that I misunderstood.
When I sat down at the table, I thought I was hallucinating but sadly, it was real.
I expected to get hot cakes and bacon and eggs, but all I was given was oatmeal.
I had a hard day's work ahead of me and I certainly deserved better than that.
The boss said I needed to lose weight, he didn't allow his workers to be fat.
I was so angry that I took the oatmeal and dumped it over my employer's head.
I embarrassed him in front of his other employees because his face turned red.
He said that he didn't like fat people and all of his employees had to be slim.
I hit that S.O.B. so hard that he swallowed his false teeth and then I mooned him.
I said "I Quit!" and then I walked out the door.
The other employees were laughing so hard that they were rolling all over the floor.
I will gladly work for room and board but something needs to be understood.
I'll work without pay but I'll kick the employer's *** if the chow isn't any good.

It has been half a century since the first moon landing.
It was a historical event that was absolutely outstanding.
The Apollo 11 landed on the moon's surface fifty years ago today.
Two astronauts walked on the moon which is over 238,000 miles away.
Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin were pioneers like Daniel Boone.
On July 20, 1969, Armstrong and Aldrin landed on the moon.
As Armstrong stepped on the moon's surface, he said "That's one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind.
When those brave astronauts left the moon to come home, the American flag was something they left behind.
I wasn't alive in 1969 so the moon landing wasn't something that I was able to witness.
But I'm guessing that it was awesome for those who were alive, a wonderful experience.
NASA is an independent agency of the United States Federal Government.
I wish I could've seen the moon landing because it was one hell of an event.

I'm talking about a record label that was founded a long time ago.
It was founded in the early seventies and the label was called RSO.
They were once a very successful corporation.
RSO stood for 'Robert Stigwood Organization'.

When it came to stars like Andy Gibb and Eric Clapton, RSO managed their careers.
RSO was founded in 1973 and sadly, the record label ended after just ten years.
They also managed the careers of Yvonne Elliman and the Bee Gees.
RSO manufactured records about 'The Empire Strikes Back' and 'Return Of The Jedi' before dissolving in 1983.

In 1980, the Bee Gees slapped RSO with a two hundred million lawsuit.
There was a settlement for an undisclosed amount that ended the dispute.
In 1983, many people hated to see them go.
The world is a better place because of RSO.

She was very young when she was shot and killed by Robert John Bardo.
She starred in 'One Life To Live' and 'My Sister Sam' over 30 years ago.
Bardo had stalked Rebecca for three years and tragically ended her life with his gun.
Fans were forced to say goodbye to this great actress who died at the age of twenty-one.

When I'm done with you, you'll need an undertaker.
Because of what you did, you will meet your maker.
You had an affair with my daughter but neglected to tell her that you have a wife and kids.
I found a suicide note next to her body, she decided to end it all because of what you did.
When my daughter learned about your wife, she begged you to get a divorce.
You said it would never happen and now she's dead, and you don't even feel remorse.
When I found my daughter, I held her lifeless body in my arms as tears rolled down my face.
I'm going to have to **** you because you are a scumbag, a low life and a total disgrace.
You're laughing because you think that I'm bluffing, but I just put a bullet in your head.
I pulled the trigger and now as I look at your corpse, I feel jubilation because you're dead.
When you used my daughter, you signed your death warrant as well.
I hate your stinking guts and I really do hope that you will fry in Hell.

For many years, you were our family's breadwinner.
Your money paid for our breakfasts, lunches and dinners.
Because of my mental impairment, you continued to support me after I turned eighteen.
You could've outworked two twenty year olds, you were the hardest worker I've ever seen.
After twenty months of chemotherapy, you lost your fight.
Your battle with Leukemia ended six years ago tonight.
For the last two days of your life, you couldn't even reply to what people said.
When I received a call from my sister-in-law, she informed me that you were dead.
Your existence on Earth ended at around 10:20 PM.
One day I'll go to Heaven and I will see you again.