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When you died, I was devastated and didn't know what to do.
If you hadn't died, today you would've turned seventy-two.
The love that I felt for you was special and it knew no bounds.
My heart was broken when you were lowered in the ground.
If you could hear the words I'm saying, I'd want you to hear me say "I love you".
When you died, my days were filled with unhappiness because I was so blue.
I grew inside of your womb until I was born in August of 1971.
You were spectacular and it was a privilege to be your son.
I suffered when you died and it's something I wish others wouldn't have to go through.
Happy birthday Mom, if you hadn't died, today you would've turned seventy-two.
DEDICATED TO AGNES GREENE-JOHNSON (1948-2013) WHO PASSED AWAY ON MARCH 6, 2013.
Jul 26 · 67
My Baby Doll
Randy Johnson Jul 26
You were without doubt the best dog I've ever had.
Your death has broken my heart and I'm very sad.
When I named you Agnes, I named you after my late mother.
I was your owner and you and I had a lot of love for one another.
You were a Chihuahua and you were an Applehead.
It tore me up when I learned that you were dead.
You were pretty with dark brown fur and you were small.
You weren't just a dog, you were also  my baby doll.
I owned you for almost seven wonderful years.
I found you dead in my kitchen and it drove me to tears.
What I'm about to say is no lie, it's one hunded percent true.
You were my baby doll and your Daddy will always love you.
DEDICATED TO AGNES (2011-2020) WHO PASSED AWAY ON JULY 11, 2020.
Jul 11 · 60
The Loss of Lena
Randy Johnson Jul 11
It's with great sadness when I say that we won't see her anymore.
Lena died in March of 2020 and she was born in March of 1944.
She is survived by her husband who is my Uncle James.
Losing such a special person is sad and it's also a shame.

James Greene Junior and Sharon Redmond are her two children.
After living for seven and a half decades, she has gone to Heaven.
She died just twenty-four hours before her 76th birthday.
Her loved ones are heart broken because she passed away.
Dedicated to Lena L. Greene who died on March 2, 2020.
My wife and I both worked at a video game store.
They closed and we're not working there anymore.
They closed their doors because of this **** Coronavirus.
We're unemployed and no other businesses are willing to hire us.
We got out twelve hundred bucks from the Government but we had to pay a hospital bill.
We're in a sinking boat and it's going down fast, I wish that the Coronavirus wasn't real.
Our families and friends can't help us and we need cash.
I'm so desperate that I'm about to do something that's rash.
I need money because I'm out of a job.
I'm in a liquor store that I intend to rob.
I just pulled my gun on the owner and he has grabbed his gun as well.
He just shot me in the chest and in a moment, I'll be sent straight to Hell.
My wife will get my life insurance money because I'm going to cease to live.
Please talk to my wife on my behalf, please beg her to forgive.
Jun 30 · 51
Half Over
Randy Johnson Jun 30
The year is half over, today is the 30th of June.
The first half of this year went by pretty soon.
In just a few days, we'll celebrate the 4th of July.
Firecrackers will pop and bottle rockets will soar into the sky.
Because of this **** Coronavirus, America has been gripped with fear.
I certainly hope that things will get better during the second half of this year.
He did drugs for many years and he finally had to pay.
Because of his drug use, he died one year ago today.
He overdosed last year and sadly, he could not survive.
If he would've had the courage to say no to drugs, he'd still be alive.
When he first started, he smoked *** and later did worse drugs like ****.
He grew up around the wrong kind of people and that caused his eventual death.
On June 3, 2019, his family and friends had to say goodbye.
If you also do drugs, stop it or you will also eventually die.
DEDICATED TO JOHN W. BROWN (1970-2019) WHO DIED ONE YEAR AGO TODAY ON JUNE 3, 2019.
May 28 · 132
May 28, 1990
Randy Johnson May 28
Something bad happened in 1990 on the 28th of May.
It turned out not to be such a great Memorial Day.
I saw a very beautiful girl who looked like she was sixteen or seventeen.
She was one of the most beautiful girls I had ever seen.
I wrote a note and put it in her storm door.
She was younger than I thought and her parents were pretty sore.
She was only fourteen, that was four years younger than me.
They told me to leave her alone and I agreed.
But I really liked her and it was painful not to be able to date her.
I wonder who she's with all these years later.
THIS IS A TRUE STORY THAT HAPPENED 30 YEARS AGO.
May 25 · 57
Paying Tribute
Randy Johnson May 25
Today is May the 25th and it's Memorial Day.
We're paying tribute to those who fought and died for the USA.
Many brave soldiers gave their lives.
We're paying tribute to the ones who didn't survive.
Many brave soldiers have fought and died.
They were heroes and that can't be denied.
Dedicated to the soldiers who fought and died for the USA.
May 24 · 100
That Damn Duck Hunt Dog
Randy Johnson May 24
Some call him a ******* and others call him a ****.
But everybody hates that dog that's on Duck Hunt.
When you shoot at ducks but miss, that **** dog laughs.
It makes you so mad that you want to unleash your wrath.

I want to tell you about a discovery of mine.
I've learned how to shoot and **** that canine.
To get the secret, you'll have to pay me $29.99 but that's cheap.
People would pay $1000 to **** that dog because he's a creep.

Every time that dog laughs at you, it makes you shout.
But with my information, you can blow his brains out.
That pesky dog has laughed many times before.
But pay me $29.99 and he won't laugh anymore.
INSPIRED BY THE VIDEO GAME THAT WAS MANUFACTURED BY NINTENDO.
May 21 · 128
The Late Steve Cash II
Randy Johnson May 21
Poor Steve Cash decided that he wanted to die.
When we lose a good person, we always ask why.
He made "Talking Kitty Cat" videos and that was great.
But when he took his life, it was something we would hate.
Steve suffered from a mental disorder and it was a terrible ordeal.
He was Bipolar and I'm paranoid Schizophrenic, I know what it's like to be mentally ill.
When poor Steve took his own life, his fans sure didn't love it.
If I could've talked to him, maybe I could've talked him out of it.
I would've told Steve that life is worth living even if a person is mentally ill.
If you have a mental disorder, I know what you're going through and how you feel.
DEDICATED TO STEVE CASH (1979-2020) WHO TOOK HIS OWN LIFE ON APRIL 16, 2020.
May 15 · 111
Jerry Stiller
Randy Johnson May 15
Jerry Stiller has died at the age of 92, he lived to a ripe old age.
He starred in movies, television shows and also on stage.
Jerry starred in both "Seinfeld" and "The King of Queens".
He also starred in "My 5 Wives", "Hairspray" and "Sweet 15".

In 2012, he provided the voice of General X in "Foodfight!".
He guest-starred on "Rhoda" and "In The Heat of The Night".
He also guest-starred on "The Love Boat" and "Archie Bunker's Place".
Jerry was a talented actor and he was also a credit to the Human Race.
DEDICATED TO JERRY STILLER (1927-2020) WHO DIED ON MAY 11, 2020.
Randy Johnson May 14
When my friend and I finally got chicks, they decided to leave us.
My friend's name is ****-Head and my name is Beavis.
I thought that I was pregnant even though I'm a boy.
Because ****-head and I are stupid, people get annoyed.

I become the Great Cornholio when I eat too much sugar.
I'm actually a mental case who eats his own boogers.
When ****-Head and I meet chicks, we're sure to sexually harass.
And if you have a teenage daughter, you'll end up kicking my ***.

If you meet us face to face, we're sure to cause great anxiety.
We are both juvenile delinquents who are threats to society.
Don't come near us or you'll get so mad that you'll cuss.
You will be happy and better off if you stay away from us.
INSPIRED BY THE HIT CARTOON THAT WAS CREATED BY MIKE JUDGE.
May 10 · 136
The Eighth Mother's Day
Randy Johnson May 10
This is the eighth Mother's Day that has come around since you died.
You were one of the world's greatest mothers and that can't be denied.
Time flies, it doesn't seem like eight Mother's Days have come around.
Life stopped being as good when you were lowered into the ground.
When the doctor said you would die, I didn't like what he had to say.
You're no longer with us but I still wish you a happy Mother's Day.
DEDICATED TO AGNES MARIE JOHNSON (1948-2013) WHO PASSED AWAY ON MARCH 6, 2013.
May 9 · 76
Hell's New Torment
When I died, I arrived in Hell and there was a lesson that I quickly learned.
Satan is using a new kind of torture, people are no longer being burned.
It's a rotten, terrible and cruel thing for Satan to do.
Now he tortures people by forcing them to watch the new Doctor Who.
I did some really bad things while I was on Earth and now I'm in Hell because of what I did.
I'm being forced to watch the new Doctor Who and I can't look away or even close my eyelids.
I've always known that Adolf ****** was evil but I was wrong when I thought that he's tough.
He screams like a little ***** as he watches the new Doctor Who TV show, it's pretty rough.
While I was on Earth, I was a liar, a thief and a despicable ****.
Now I'd do anything if I could receive a blindfold and earplugs.
As I'm being forced to watch the new Doctor Who, I scream and cry.
I didn't know that such a bad thing could happen when a person dies.
I'll tell people on Earth how to avoid my fate instead of just giving them a hint.
They'd better be on their very best behavior because Hell has a new torment.
May 3 · 343
Smoke Free - Part V
I'm proud of myself and I have something to say.
I quit smoking last year on the 3rd of May.
It was one year ago when I smoked for the last time.
When it came to spending money for tobacco, I haven't spent a dime.

I was coughing up phlegm and I quit smoking because of my health.
My uncle died of lung cancer and I didn't want to do that to myself.
Because I was able to quit smoking, I know others can too.
If you smoke but decide to quit, it will be an excellent thing to do.
May 1 · 96
I Killed Mister Ed
While I was driving a Monster Truck, I ran over Mister Ed.
I accidentally ran over that talking horse and now he's dead.
Mister Ed said "F* you" to me with his final breath.
Millions of people are upset because of his death.

That horse let out a smelly **** before he died.
When his owner saw what happened, he cried.
Wilbur Post called Peta and that got me in a lot of trouble.
I was sued and the only lawyer I could afford was Barney Rubble.

I lost the lawsuit because Barney is stupid because he's from the Stone Age.
When I couldn't pay Wilbur ten million bucks, the cops locked me in a cage.
Please listen to my advice or you may go to jail and your spouse will get a divorce.
If you ever drive a Monster Truck, you'd better not run over somebody's talking horse.
Apr 27 · 125
The Late Steve Cash
Randy Johnson Apr 27
A man who made Youtube videos has died.
On April 16, 2020, Steve Cash committed suicide.
He made "Talking Kitty Cat" videos.
All of his fans hated to see him go.

Steve suffered from a mental disorder and sadly, so do I.
He was Bipolar and everybody is having to say goodbye.
He died because of a self-inflicted gunshot wound.
He was only forty and the world lost him too soon.
DEDICATED TO STEVE CASH (1979-2020) WHO DIED ON APRIL 16, 2020.
Apr 25 · 276
Happy Birthday, Talia
Randy Johnson Apr 25
Today is Talia Shire's birthday and she's turned seventy-four.
She starred in the Rocky and Godfather movies and more.
Talia Coppola was her original name.
It's not surprising that she found fame.

The Landlady was my favorite movie that she starred in.
She also gave great performances in Prophecy and Old Boyfriends.
When it comes to Talia, there are two things that I know for sure.
She is very talented and millions of people love and admire her.
DEDICATED TO TALIA SHIRE WHO TURNED 74 TODAY.
Apr 12 · 79
The Easter Bunny
Randy Johnson Apr 12
You may find it to be amusing but I don't think it's one bit funny.
I have a twenty year old son who still believes in the Easter Bunny.
I tried to raise him to be normal but sadly, I was bound to fail.
He also believes in the Tooth Fairy and the Wizard of Oz as well.
When it came a tornado, he started singing "Over The Rainbow".
He thought that instead of being killed, Oz was where he would go.
Luckily, that tornado wasn't severe and no people were killed.
I've failed to convince my son that the Easter Bunny isn't real.
When he sees kids hunting Easter eggs, he says they were hidden by the Easter Bunny.
Will somebody please take my son off my hands, I'm prepared to pay a lot of money.
I'm scared of my son because he's obviously a lunatic and I don't know what to do.
Don't laugh, you could also end up with a grown son who believes in the Easter Bunny too.
Mar 29 · 120
Second Sight Is Real
Randy Johnson Mar 29
I didn't die when I was struck by lightning but it was a terrible fright.
The bolt of lightning struck me in the head and gave me second sight.
I saw my neighbors daughter drown in a vision.
Her parents ignored me and it was a bad decision.
If they had listened to me, their daughter wouldn't have drowned.
They don't believe in second sight and their girl is buried in the ground.
Tears rolled down my cheeks when their daughter died.
I couldn't save that poor little girl even though I tried.
Some say I have a special gift but it's irritating when people don't believe.
When I'm ignored, bad things happen and misery is what people receive.
I told a man that I saw him being killed by a train and he flipped me a bird.
He told me to go to hell and he said that my visions are fake and absurd.
He tried to beat a train the very next day and it hit his car.
Because of ignorance, cemeteries are where two people are.
I just had another terrifying vision and it's about you.
You'll die in a plane crash and my vision will come true.
If you ignore me, you'll die but if you listen, you'll remain alive.
You better take what I say to heart or you won't survive.
Mar 23 · 124
Bitch and Two-Faced Liar
Randy Johnson Mar 23
I dumped my girlfriend when I learned I was being used.
She decided to get revenge, I was falsely accused.
She said that when she came to my house, there was no escape.
She said when she refused to have *** with me, she was *****.
She's a ***** and a two-faced liar, I didn't lay a finger on her.
But when I looked at the jury, I believed that I was a goner.
I was wrong because I was found not guilty because of lack of evidence.
My ex-girlfriend became enraged and things became scary and intense.
She pulled out a gun and shot me.
Luckily, I survived after I had surgery.
She shot me in the courtroom and her fate was sealed.
The only thing that she's sorry about is that I wasn't killed.
I was found not guilty by a jury of my peers and I didn't have to do hard time.
My ex-girlfriend tried to ****** me and she's rotting in jail because of her crime.
Mar 22 · 135
Coronavirus Prevention
Randy Johnson Mar 22
People are afraid of catching the Coronavirus, we've seen better days.
What we should do is to take precautions and it won't hurt to pray.
Regularly use an alcohol-based hand rub or water and soap.
People can avoid catching this virus, we shouldn't give up hope.
Stay at least three feet away from people who cough or sneeze.
If we avoid touching our mouths, eyes and noses, it can help to prevent us from catching this disease.
When I went to a Shell Station, the sales clerk was wearing a mask.
I knew it was to protect her from the virus, I didn't even have to ask.
It's a bad epidemic and it's hard for people to cope.
Pray and take precautions and never give up hope.
Randy Johnson Mar 22
Kenny had a God given talent and he was bound to succeed.
His death has pricked people like a thorn and they will bleed.
He was both a singer and an actor who had skill.
People loved to hear him sing The Gambler and Lucille.

The world is sad to lose Kenny.
He was a Leo just like me.
All of his fans are heart broken because of this ordeal.
People loved to hear him sing The Gambler and Lucille.
DEDICATED TO KENNY ROGERS (1938-2020) WHO DIED ON MARCH 20, 2020.
Mar 21 · 185
Lyle Waggoner
Randy Johnson Mar 21
He starred in 'Wonder Woman' as Steve Trevor.
Sadly, he passed away and he's gone forever.
He guest starred in 'Charlie's Angels' and 'The Love Boat'.
He also guest starred in 'Happy Days' and '******, She Wrote'.

He made guest appearances as himself in 'The Golden Girls' and 'That '70s Show'.
He also came close to being Batman and millions of people hated to see him go.
He starred in 'The Carol Burnett Show' and this man had style.
He died in March of 2020 and we have to say goodbye to Lyle.
DEDICATED TO LYLE WAGGONER (1935-2020) WHO DIED ON MARCH 17, 2020.
Mar 8 · 112
Great Depression II
Millions will panic and they won't know what to do.
America is about to experience a Great Depression II.
I just learned that tomorrow the Stock Market will crash.
I'll be broke and I'll lose my house, my car and all of my cash.
My wife said she and our children will leave if I end up broke.
When I say that certain people will commit suicide, it's no joke.
I'm going to **** myself because I will lose everything I have to live for.
The economy will go to Hell in a hand basket and people will be dirt poor.
This Great Depression will make the first one look like a Sunday School picnic.
Millions will struggle to make ends meet, they will have good reason to panic.
Hard times are coming for every American and people better be prepared.
When the Stock Market crashes, people will have good reason to be scared.
If you're religious, now would be a good time to pray.
America is about to go through Hell, we've seen better days.
Mar 6 · 148
Deadly Aneurysm
Your leg was infected and the infection spread.
You had an abdominal aneurysm and you're dead.
The infection spread to your stomach and you hid your illness from all of us.
You didn't want to go to a hospital because doctors were people who you didn't trust.

If we'd known how sick you were, you would've seen a doctor immediately because we would've made you go.
When we found out how sick you were, you were too ill to put up a fight, you were too ill to be able to say no.
You were taken to Fort Sanders Hospital in Knoxville but sadly, it was too late.
You suffered tremendously before you died, you experienced a sad and tragic fate.

I woke up in the hospital and found you lying motionless in your bed.
When you had a deadly aneurysm, you would have no future ahead.
When I learned that you hid your illness from us, it made me feel pretty bad.
I love you Mom, you were the best mother that a person could've had.
DEDICATED TO AGNES JOHNSON (1948-2013) WHO DIED 7 YEARS AGO TODAY ON MARCH 6, 2013.
Randy Johnson Feb 18
Every person on the Simpsons is sick and they will die.
They're suffering from Jaundice, that's the reason why.
Every fan of the Simpsons will have to nurse a broken heart.
They can say goodbye to Homer, Marge, Maggie, Lisa and Bart.
I'm the bearer of bad news but I'm not trying to be mean.
The people of Springfield have the worst cases of Jaundice that has ever been seen.
I give all of them just six months to live, nine months at the most.
They will die from Jaundice, that's what the doctors have diagnosed.
People will be happy to be rid of Sideshow Bob and MR. Burns as well.
Because of the strangelings Bart has received, Homer will go to Hell.
Everybody in Springfield is very upset because they're going to die.
After being on TV for over 30 years, they can kiss their butts goodbye.
This poem was inspired by 'The Simpsons' TV Show.
Feb 10 · 107
Registered Sex Offender
Randy Johnson Feb 10
The story I'm going to tell is something that isn't good.
A registered *** offender moved to my neighborhood.
A child molester moved to my neighborhood and I didn't want him here.
When I told my neighbors that I wanted him to leave, I made my point clear.
But the idiots said that everybody deserves a second chance.
Sometimes that is true but not under this circumstance.
All of my neighbors said that we should forgive and forget.
They ignored me and it was something they would regret.
Less than two months later, a neighbor's daughter was molested.
The police were called and the creep was handcuffed and arrested.
I told everybody time after time to make him leave but they ignored my advice.
And because of their stupidity, my neighbor's underage daughter paid the price.
I have a message that each and every person needs to receive.
If a child molester moves to your neighborhood, you should demand that he leaves.
Feb 1 · 253
The Loss Of Swift
The world lost a talented actor one year ago today.
After being on Earth for almost 83 years, he passed away.
He starred in 'Keeping Up Appearances' and 'The Old Guys'.
People also loved his performances in '1990' and 'Pack of Lies'.
He also entertained us when he starred in 'Othello' and 'Born and Bred'.
His entire fanbase has grieved for 365 days because he is dead.
DEDICATED TO CLIVE SWIFT WHO DIED ONE YEAR AGO TODAY ON FEBRUARY 1, 2019.
Jan 30 · 254
Winner and Loser
Randy Johnson Jan 30
It was the worst thing that ever happened to me.
My life went straight to Hell because of the lottery.
I got $100,000,000 when I won the Powerball.
But after just two years, I'm broke, I lost it all.
I bought expensive cars, mansions and a yacht.
I went broke partly because of the things I bought.
I also had family and friends begging at my door.
Two years ago I was rich, but now I'm dirt poor.
When it came to my money, I should've been tight.
But I was generous, I handed out money left and right.
I gave $250,000 to my church but ended up being sorry.
The preacher used my donation to buy himself a Ferrari.
I shouldn't have chosen to get my money in one lump sum.
Now I'm living in a cardboard box because I'm a ***.
I also lost money because the Government made me pay tax.
I wanted to go after those Government Officials with an ax.
The Government took the money and I told them where to stick it.
If you want to avoid being in my shoes, stop buying lottery tickets.
Jan 18 · 101
Jim
Randy Johnson Jan 18
Jim
He was my neighbor for over forty years and his name was Jim.
When I think about what a good man should be like, I think of him.
He and my uncle were former co-workers and friends.
It was sad when I learned that his life came to an end.

Many people know that he was a credit to the Human Race.
Poor Jim's life has ended but now he's in a far better place.
When a man goes to Heaven, he celebrates his greatest reward.
Nothing can be better than being in Paradise with The Lord.

We became neighbors in 1977 and that was a long time ago.
I used to listen to some beautiful music when he played his banjo.
When I say that he was a good man, it certainly isn't a lie.
His family and friends are shedding tears as they say goodbye.
DEDICATED TO JAMES R. HILL WHO DIED AT THE AGE OF 80 ON JANUARY 11, 2020.
Randy Johnson Jan 12
When I built a time machine, I traveled back to 1977 and gave my younger self a hard smack.
When I was a child, I bought the Star Wars action figures and removed them from their packs.
I told my younger self not to do that because it ruins the value of the dolls.
Even though I traveled back in time, he ignored me, he didn't listen at all.
He continued to remove the figures from the packs and so I traveled back in time again.
This time I took a gun with me and I got so angry that I shot my younger self in the shin.
I begged him not to remove the figures from the packs but he ignored every word.
He told me to f* off and then the little ******* gave me the bird.
He thought I was bluffing and he left me with no choice but to pull the trigger.
That bullet was painful enough to convince him not to ruin the value of my figures.
That bullet is still in my shin and when I sit down, it really hurts and I cry like a little *****.
But it's worth it because a collector paid me $1,000,000 for my figures and now I'm rich.
Jan 6 · 788
My Hairy Ass
Because of my upbringing and education, I'm a man who has substance and class.
But nobody will believe that if they learn that I have a hairy ***.
I have hair sticking out of my **** crack and hair on my **** cheeks.
I'm afraid that this information will be discovered and posted on Wikileaks.
People must never discover my secret, nobody can know.
And if they discover my terrible secret, they will have to go.
Yes you heard me right, when it comes to preserving my secret, I'm prepared to ****.
When it comes to my secret being discovered, I must make certain that it never will.
My sheepdog has less hair on his entire body than I have on and sticking out of my ****.
Don't you dare reveal mt secret to people or I'll come to your house and you will get cut.
I have an awesome job that pays over a million dollars each year.
But if people learn about my hairy ***, I can say goodbye to my career.
My wife has agreed to keep my secret but she complains and we bicker.
I shaved my *** a couple of times but when it grew back, it was even thicker.
My *** is hairy and my wife looks and smells like Jabba the Hutt.
Nobody can ever know that I have an extremely hairy ****.
It was a meal that my late mom cooked but it sure didn't please.
Every New Year Day, Mom cooked hog jowls and black-eyed peas.
I always ate it but it was something that I didn't enjoy at all.
I would've rather had pizza, Domino's was who I should've called.
I don't have to eat those meals anymore and it sets my mind at ease.
Thank God that I no longer have to eat hog jowls and black-eyed peas.
Jan 1 · 108
Prohibition In The USA
Prohibition began one hundred years ago in the USA.
People had their right to drink ***** taken away.
This made people unhappy and they began to whine.
And this caused Al Capone to start peddling moonshine.
Capone was evil and because of him, people were killed.
On December 5 1933, the 18th Amendment was repealed.
People were very happy because prohibition came to an end.
They were as giddy as school girls to have the right to drink again.
THIS IS A HISTORICAL POEM ABOUT PROHIBITION (1920-1933)
Dec 2019 · 220
At Midnight Tonight
Randy Johnson Dec 2019
At midnight tonight, the second decade of the twenty-first century will be no more.
At midnight tonight, the third decade of the twenty-first century will be what's in store.
At midnight tonight, billions of people will welcome and celebrate the new year.
At midnight tonight, some will celebrate with champagne and others will celebrate with beer.
At midnight tonight, it will be the first day of 2020 and the first day of January.
At midnight tonight, give your wife some razor blades because her legs are hairy.
Dec 2019 · 99
My Wife Isn't Pregnant
Randy Johnson Dec 2019
My Wife looks like she's pregnant but she's just fat.
People have been congratulating her and she hates that.
My father yelled "Woo Wee!" because he thought he was going to be a granddad.
But when he thought she was pregnant, she saw red because she was so mad.
She shaved his head bald and then she beat the crap out of him.
And when others congratulate her, she does the same to them.
Half of the people in my town are wearing bandages and they're bald.
She makes people pay because being pregnant isn't what she likes to be called.
People run because I'm living in a town that has been gripped by fear.
She did the same thing to a man that is done to a bull to make it a steer.
Please don't ask her if she's going to have a daughter or a son.
Because if you do, she'll get ****** and you will have to run.
Dec 2019 · 96
What I Got For Christmas
Randy Johnson Dec 2019
When I asked my wife what I was getting for Christmas, she kicked me in the *****.
That wasn't what I wanted for Christmas, that wasn't what I wanted at all.
When she kicked me down there, she said "Merry Christmas, mother f*".
When it came to choosing a good wife,I really blew it, I sure was a sucker.
I learned that she had taken out a million dollar life insurance policy on me.
It was the night before Christmas and my wife put rat poison in my tea.
But I had already found the insurance policy and I poured the tea down the drain.
I had the ***** committed, she'll be wearing a straight jacket for Christmas because I had her declared insane.
When she kicked me in the nuts, it gave her pleasure when she saw me fall.
When I asked what I was getting for Christmas, I got a swift kick in the *****.
Randy Johnson Dec 2019
Even though you did me wrong, I've written a few poems about you.
You came in my house and stole some pills, that was a bad thing to do.
You also borrowed some money but didn't repay what you owed.
Sadly, you can't celebrate this Christmas because you died half a year ago.
This will be the first Christmas since 1969 that you're not alive.
You died six months ago today, you weren't able to survive.
You had a heart murmur but half a year ago, your heart stopped beating.
When it came to death, it was something you had no chance of defeating.
DEDICATED TO JOHN W. BROWN (1970-2019) WHO DIED ON JUNE 3, 2019.
Randy Johnson Dec 2019
Lots of people all over the world will celebrate the Yuletide.
This will be the seventh Christmas that has come around since you died.
We celebrated many Christmases together but we'll never do that again.
Christmas is a time for peace on Earth and goodwill to all men.
It was nice that we celebrated Christmases while you were here.
But during the Christmas of 2012, I didn't know the end was near.
If we could spend this Christmas together, it certainly would please me.
But that isn't possible and Christmases aren't as good as they used to be.
On Christmas Day, people should be with their families.
When we celebrated Christmas, it was always sure to please.
A person is never truly gone if he or she is somebody who people remember.
You'll be with me in spirit even though I'll be alone on the 25th of December.
When you died at the young age of 64, it was hard for me to understand it.
Merry Christmas Mom, you were one of the greatest mothers on the planet.
DEDICATED TO AGNES JOHNSON (1948-2013) WHO PASSED AWAY ON MARCH 6, 2013.
Randy Johnson Dec 2019
Certain people hate the Wii U, they call it a piece of crap.
But I like the game console and I think it got a *** rap.
It's no XBOX One or PS4 but it's not an abomination.
I believe it was good and that's not an exaggeration.
Yes, a few of its games do stink, especially Paper Mario: Color Splash.
When I played that game, I'd get so mad that I wanted to throw it in the trash.
Nintendo released the Switch after they axed the Wii U.
People hated the console and so it was discontinued.
I hated to see the Wii U fail, it has become another Dreamcast.
Certain people hated the Wii U and now it's a thing of the past.
Randy Johnson Nov 2019
A man has cancer and he has been given only six months to live.
Years ago, he did a man wrong and the parents and siblings are refusing to forgive.
He became angry because he lost at checkers and he evicted that poor man.
Even though he wants them to forgive, he said if they can't, he'll understand.
He evicted the man that day in January and the poor man froze to death.
When he decided to throw him out, it caused that man to draw his last breath.
The landlord felt remorse when he learned that the man died.
The guilt devoured him and he thought about committing suicide.
He screamed "WHAT HAVE I DONE?!"
He went to his closet and got his gun.
He put the gun barrel in his mouth but didn't have the guts to pull the trigger.
Those people will carry their grudge to their graves because they're so bitter.
Those people refuse to forgive, they won't even try.
I just hope they can forgive themselves when he dies.
Randy Johnson Nov 2019
Let me tell you about an experience that wasn't great.
I would follow women around the grocery store and ask for dates.
Every single one of them said no when I asked.
Getting a date turned out to be an impossible task.
I had some particularly bad experiences because some of those women were married.
The paramedics were called several times and when I left the store, I had to be carried.
The husbands had hate in their eyes when they attacked.
The single ladies cussed me out and gave me hard smacks.
Because I bothered the ladies, I was finally asked to leave the store and I was also banned.
It looks like I won't be having *** any time soon so that means I'll have to use my hand.
Nov 2019 · 397
Arthenia's Birthday
Randy Johnson Nov 2019
Today would've been Arthenia's birthday if she hadn't died.
Last year, I lost my aunt and my uncle lost his bride.
Arthenia died in 2018 and she was born in 1955.
She'd be celebrating her birthday if she was alive.

Arthenia's life was saved when she had open heart surgery several years ago.
But if you're wondering if surgery could've saved her again, the answer is no.
Arthenia lost her life, sadly, it's true.
She left this world at the age of 62.
DEDICATED TO ARTHENIA JOHNSON (1955-2018) WHO DIED ON AUGUST 3, 2018.
Nov 2019 · 153
Red II
Randy Johnson Nov 2019
I bought my newest dog one year ago, today is our first anniversary.
Last year, some nice people cut the price in half and sold him to me.
When I bought him, I only paid one hundred.
They sold me a Chihuahua and his name is Red.
I take care of him and he lives in my basement.
When I bought him, it was a hundred bucks that was well spent.
When I bought him, I was amazed at how fast he warmed up to me.
Red is very pretty with brown fur and today is our first anniversary.
DEDICATED TO RED WHO I BOUGHT ON NOVEMBER 11, 2018.
Nov 2019 · 224
Mario is Pissing
Randy Johnson Nov 2019
Back in the nineties, a video game was made that was called 'Mario is Missing'.
But the game was changed, the original title was going to be 'Mario is *******'.
In the game, Luigi has to find his brother who is taking a ****.
But they learned that people would've been offended by this.
They changed it because it would've been offensive to watch Mario ***.
They changed it because that was something nobody would want to see.
In addition to seeing Mario ***, people would've seen his tiny *******.
And Luigi would've laughed because Mario's ***** is only half an inch long.
Luigi would've belittled Mario and he would've laughed until he lost bladder control.
People would've also seen Luigi **** because his brother's **** is smaller than a tootsie roll.
Nov 2019 · 369
Smoke Free - Part IV
Randy Johnson Nov 2019
I'm happy to say that I quit smoking half a year ago.
It's been six months today since I last smoked tobacco.
When I was presented with the opportunity to quit, I decided to reach out and grab it.
All that I needed was some nicotine patches and faith in God to be able to kick the habit.
I quit smoking even though it's not an easy thing to do.
If you're a smoker who wants to quit, I believe in you.
Nov 2019 · 167
Halloween Delinquents
Randy Johnson Nov 2019
It was Halloween night but I had no candy.
But I did have an air rifle and it came in handy.
Because I had no candy, some punks started vandalizing my house.
Just because I shot them with my air rifle, people called me a louse.
I pumped the air rifle ten times and shot one of them in the *****.
The **** juvenile couldn't walk back to his house, he had to crawl.
I put pellets up their ***** so that a valuable lesson would be taught.
Before they vandalize another man's house, they will have 2nd thoughts.
But the cops came to my house and I was the one who was placed under arrest.
Apparently it was illegal when I shot them in their *****, ***** and a girl's left breast.
Sadly, shooting the girl was an accident, I shot her as she was walking past.
After I got out of jail, her dad paid me a visit and put my arms and legs in casts.
There was a valuable lesson that those juvenile delinquents learned.
I shoot people who are vandals, that's why none of them have returned.
Oct 2019 · 167
The Death of Robert Forster
Randy Johnson Oct 2019
You were an actor and your death has caused remorse.
You starred in 'Me, Myself and Irene' and 'Delta Force'.
I became your fan at the age of eight when you starred in 'The Black Hole'.
Some people hated that movie but I like it and your death has taken its toll.
You guest starred in 'Magnum P.I., '******, She Wrote' and 'Walker, Texas Ranger'.
You had a  ton of fans who you never met but in their eyes, you weren't a stranger.
When you starred in 'Jackie Brown', you were nominated for an Oscar.
Because of your talent, you were destined to be a wonderful movie star.
You starred in the 1998 remake of '******' and 'Small Town Crime'.
Because of your charisma, you'll be remembered until the end of time.
DEDICATED TO ROBERT FORSTER (1941-2019) WHO DIED AT HIS HOME ON OCTOBER 11, 2019.
Randy Johnson Oct 2019
Some agree with what my brother did but others don't understand.
Something bad happened and he decided to cut off his right hand.
It all started when a boy played truth or dare with our stupid nephew.
When my brother walked outside on his porch, he found Blu-rays of the new Doctor Who.
He picked up the Blu-rays to throw it in the trash but it had been covered with Gorilla Glue.
When he saw that it was stuck to his hand, he started screaming and he knew what he had to do.
His doctor examined him and said the Blu-rays were stuck to his hand permanently.
It could never be unglued and my poor brother knew what he had to do immediately.
He knew if he carried around those Blu-rays, people would think that he likes the new Doctor Who TV Show.
He couldn't let people think such a terrible thing and he decided then and there that his hand had to go.
He couldn't afford surgery to have it amputated so he used an axe.
He closed his eyes and it was severed after he gave it two whacks.
Our nephew owned up to being the one who pulled the prank.
It wasn't a nice thing to do and the brat sure wasn't thanked.
Our sister is mad because our brother and I got revenge against her son.
When we were through with our nephew, people would point and make fun.
We posted a picture on Instagram of our nephew putting rolled up socks in his underwear.
He had a nervous breakdown because the humiliation was too much for him to bear.
When my brother chopped off his hand, some people said it was a stupid thing to do.
But it was worth it to prevent people from thinking that he likes the new Doctor Who.
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