Does it hurt?
Are you in pain?
Did it **** you to sight me with another man?
Are you jealous?
Are you mad?
If I got that reaction from you I'd be glad
'Cause you hurt me
I'm still in pain
It killed me to see you with another woman
I was jealous
I was mad
And I know from the start
That was your plan.

I don't recognize this woman,
The beautiful, strong woman I see;
When I look at my reflection;
In the mirror;
On any reflective surface.

I mull over how much I have changed,
How sophisticated I look now;
How my smile bubbles over with grace;
With wisdom,
How I seem to have everything organized;
All my goals and priorities in order.

I look at this version of myself,
All grown up and more experienced;
And I don't recognize her.

Will I ever;
Make it out;
Of this raging inferno;
Alive?
And well?
Is that possible?
I don't think it is.

The fire;
Of our passion;
Was too hot;
To not leave;
Several burns;
All over my skin.

When the weirdest words awaken such a consciousness of the distance in between
When my mind suddenly remembers that it's been a million years already
When my heart aches
When my breath's unsteady
When my shoulders shake
And the tears keep coming
When the fear of not reaching you stops me from calling
When my prayers are boxes of deep, deep yearning

It's okay though
I'm not sad
I was
But not anymore
I'm lucky
I have you
You're here
I miss you
I need you
I love you
Carried everywhere
I want you
I'm happy
Soliloquizing
You're not here
You can't hear me
I can't hold you
Come close
I miss you
I feel incomplete.

I feel his presence behind
I hear the danger in his stride
I smell the trouble in his perfume
As he caresses my side.
The calculatedness of his every move
Automatically has me on guard
I turn around and look into deep, brown eyes
With a red glow in his irises
Must be a trick of the light
But I'm so afraid of the sight.
The air freezes
Or that could be me
Holding my breath in
Just an exhale and he could unleash
His wrath on me
I'm too scared of his wrath.
I wanted freedom and I found him
A bigger prison than I previously escaped.
All hope but one lost
I pray I live another day.

I appreciate your candour;
Your scars;
Your heart.
I appreciate each word;
That comes out of your mouth.

Your voice soothes;
It calms;
It heals.
My system responds;
At peace;
At ease.

I appreciate your smile;
Your eyes;
Your lies.
You said you'd never leave;
But then you said bye.

My heart is in pieces,
But I'll pick them up.
I'll place them together;
I'll stand up tall.

I was abandoned;
By you;
My love.
But I'm thanking you;
You made me strong.

Wait!
Don't move.
  He already won,
   There's nothing else to prove.

Wait!
Don't try.
  He's holding back your wings,
   He won't let you fly.

Wait!
He's hiding.
  You need to be careful,
   'Cause he's lying there; waiting.

Now listen -
You thought he loved you,
  Remember I warned you.
   He just needed you to be there,
    To do his bidding,
     Whatever he asked,
      Whenever.

You were enslaved by his c
                                               h
                                               a
                                               r
                                               m
                                               s.
He stopped you from doing so many things,
Even leaving the house.
He held you in an I.R.O.N. F.I.S.T.
He didn't trust you, see?
I warned you from the start,
But you didn't listen.

Now you see the monster,
And you run back to me for help.
But you're trapped.
You can't run from him,
You can't hide from your master.

You laid your bed in the grave he set,
And sooner or later you must rest your head.

He refused to leave
He was gone but still here
He haunted my thoughts
I still lived in fear
He would never return
But he never left
I would never hear his voice
But it’s still in my head
I still see him occupying the left side of my bed
I still see the broken smile and the mischief in his eyes
I still feel his fingernails crawling on my skin
Leaving his mark on me
Making me sick
With fear
With pain
I can still hear his voice screaming out my name
Making me feel ashamed
Bursting my heart into flames


He was a utilitarian
He believed what he felt he had to
He understood what he wanted to

He was a usurper
He took away my dreams
He stripped me of my high self-esteem

I gave him all I had
Unintentionally
His eyes enslaved me
My willpower nowhere around when he faced me

He made me weak
His megalomania affected me
Made me feel useless without him
And even now that he’s locked away
In a mental asylum a hundred miles away
He still has power over me

My home is still filled with his presence
My head still filled with the memories
Of him
And me

It should not be that way
But that’s exactly the way it is
No matter how hard I try
I can never be truly free from him
Or his hold on me.

I was alone last night,
When the news came in.
My heart pounded,
I was excited.
My prayer had been answered -
One of them was.
I was filled with joy,
It overflowed -
With tears,
Laughter.
I was glad,
Nothing could spoil my mood.

But then comes another.
A knife stabbed in my heart.
I didn't want to see,
Didn't want to believe.
But ignorance can't be feigned,
When the truth has been seen.
I want to cry,
But the tears won't come.
All I feel is that pain,
While everything else is numb.

I found joy;
I found pain.
I gained a want;
I lost a friend.
The joy will pass;
He won't return again.
I'd like to not receive news again.

Another approach
Same strategies
Same chain of command
Different authorities
A mesmerizing complex structure;
Circumventing individual responsibilities.

How can we strive?
How can we grow?
Every being as important as the next;
For the success of a mission years away from fulfilment.

Everyone has a part to play
Every part must be played fully
Or else stagnancy is well around the corner.

For development,
The team must be strong.
They must be together.
They must have the same goals,
Or everything crumbles.

Everything feels incomplete
Like one part just keeps going on repeat
Same old story told in different ways
Halfway in, that's where the story ends
It just feels like something's missing
I can't get the thought out of my head
Even when I thought we were finished
I still wait for replies from you
All day
All night
I try not to look desperate
And so I count
The seconds
The minutes
Until the ache becomes too strong to ignore
My heart is torn
We're growing apart
And I can't tell if this is the good or the bad part
Probably the good
Cause when you finally leave
It'll be much harder

21-06-2020
© R.S.A.

They say it'll be worth it
Even if it doesn't last
They say the good times
Will cover the bad
They say to just dive in
To not think about the depth
They say to just to take a leap
Despite what tomorrow may bring

But I'd rather not
I'd rather not do that
I'd rather not set my heart up
To be broken to shreds
I'd rather not let you in
Than to do that and later watch you leave
I'd rather stay isolated
So there'll be no memories to haunt me
To remind me of what I once had
Forever taunting me
Cause it can never be found again

So no
Even if they say
The pros outweigh the cons
I'd rather not have any at all.

I have so much to say
But nothing to write down
It's raining cats and dogs
My phone will only stay on for ten more minutes
No electricity until the rain stops
It's thirty-eight minutes to two a.m.
I've got tears in my eyes
I'm a mess.

I wrote an epistle for a friend today
For his one-year anniversary
With the love of his life
She completes him
I see it
All the changes she made
In his life
She wrote an epistle for his birthday last month
He's no good with words
So he kept begging until I said yes.

I recently had my heart broken
I broke it myself
But I guess I can't complain
Cause I shattered his along with mine
Not my friend
My ex-boyfriend
We were together nine months
Would be ten today
But I broke us.

I'm so sad
I toss and turn till I cry silently
And then I drift into a restless sleep
It was best for us what I did
But it don't feel like it
It's like he was a part of my respiratory system
And without him it's so hard to breathe.

On nights this cold and lonely
I wonder if he's sober
Cause I'm the crybaby and he's the drunk
We're both trying to cope seeing as the pain is too much
We still talk but not like before
It could never be like before
It's such a shame
It really is cause
We were perfect together
But life is a complicated ***** that ******* us over.

It's now twenty-eight minutes to two a.m.
Time to cry my eyes out
So I can finally get a three-hour sleep.

Thousands of conversations ago
I had not the slightest clue
That I would fall in love
With your words
Your ways
Your laughter

Now it resounds through me
Every piece of you that became a part
Of my evolved, convoluted self
I kinda see you not just in every win
But in every dream
And it hurts that I had to let go...

For every moment with you shined.

If I comment
Three hearts beneath your poem
It means that
I love love love your work

Sometimes I have too much to say
Or nothing to say at all
But I love to appreciate beautiful words
Because beautiful words should be appreciated

I love when my words mean something
To you reading
And a lot of your words mean something to me too
So I put it all into these
Three little hearts

❤❤❤

Whether your poetry is from a dark place
Or from a light heart
Whether something bad happened
Or something good started
If you shared it
And I saw it
And appreciate it
You'll find three little hearts
Beside my name
Beneath your work
In a format like this -

Rahama Abdulkadri ❤❤❤.

I fell in love with you without realizing it
I fell in love with you without planning to
My heart was all yours and I didn’t even know it
It belonged to you but at first I didn’t show it
I couldn’t
Or I wouldn’t
I was just being a scrooge
The timing wasn’t right and we both knew it
The day I’d leave you is fast approaching
And I’m so scared
I’m hoping and praying that it’s in my head
The deadline that our different paths have set
I love you and you love me please don’t forget that
‘Cause no matter what you know it’s a fact
The last thing I want to do is break your heart
It kills me so much that I’m tearing us apart

You’d never truly know how hard this is for me
But I want you to know that you’re it for me
And I’ll keep saying it
Keep reciting it
Until you believe that you’re it for me
Until you can undoubtedly see
The sincerity in my lines
The honesty in my lies
You’re a blessing in my life

I’ll never meet someone like you
Someone incomplete that completely completes me
With no cracks found where the lines meet
Would it be weird if I asked you to marry me?
Like seriously
I don’t know how you came to mean so much to me
I want happy moments with you
Memories to remind me when I cry
That I have no regrets being with you
Standing by you
Doing the best I can do
I’d spend my years with you if fate allowed me to
But it didn’t
And I hate distance for taking you away from me

I don’t want to hold you back
I want you to do the things you need to
Without me stopping you
The one my heart belongs to
I am madly in love with you
I pray that our relationship will stay strong
But it feels like a wasted prayer
Although I’d waste as many as I can
To make sure we end up together
When distance is no longer a determiner
When our situation gets a little better

Until you leave
I’m keeping you all to myself
I’m loving you in every way I can ‘til I can’t
I’m caring more than I should ‘til I shan’t
I’m kissing you ‘til my rights expire
‘Til I can no longer call you mine
I pray it gets better for you with time
Not just this but everything
I want you to be happy
To smile more
To cachinnate often
I pray that all that darkness
Is replaced with light even after I leave
I hope you find someone incomplete that completely completes you
That loves you
More than I ever could
‘Cause you deserve it and more
You deserve the world
Mi amor.

I felt broken even when you mended my heart
I felt unconnected even when you held me together
I never moved on and neither did you
I had soliloquies when I was right next to you
We both had holes in our hearts to fill
We both had vivid memories to ****
So we used each other
Without telling the other
I told you I loved you
And there was hesitance
In your text and mine
I said it cause I wanted to believe it
You eventually responded cause you didn't want to hurt my feelings
And we kept fooling ourselves until we couldn't anymore
I released all the rage I kept locked up
From the times when you'd ignore me for hours
From the times when you'd never answer my calls
From the times when you never said 'I love you' first
I gathered the courage to end it
Our little spoof
But you ended it before I could
And that was even more proof
That we'd been living a lie
For five godforsaken months
After that everything was the same
The only thing that changed was the name that came with the game
The title I used to ward off unwanted attention
And that was all you were useful for
You were a better man to me after we broke up than you were to me before
You went back to her but my heart was still broken
Atleast you got yours fixed
Atleast one of us was finally happy
I just wish I was happy too.

To whom it may concern
I've been hurt so many times
My heart has become a broken egg shell
All its essence poured out
I want to be puerile
But I've been forever changed
A line has been crossed
And I don't know if I can go back.

To whom it may concern
I want my heart to be whole again
I need someone to hold again
I want to feel strong and loved again
It seems like a feat too impossible to achieve
But I can't help but hope for it.

To whom it may concern
If you genuinely care
Then I need you to tell me and always be there
Let your words and actions towards me be fair
I've been through a lot
I've fallen down so many stairs.

To whom it may concern
You may grow to love me
If you eventually do please try to fix me
No matter how I difficult I am don't ever leave me
I promise when I'm better you'll love the real me.

I hid behind that mask again;
That makes me look human enough to be loved.
All that time I thought of;
How repulsed you'd be if;
You caught a glimpse of the real me.
The more you express your love,
The more my heart sinks;
My smile dampens;
My mind freezes.
Cause I can't help but panic as I think,
"I must be a great actor,
Cause you can't see what's beneath this."
What happens when the acting stops?
That will probably mean the end;
Because the mask you love is too hard to keep up,
And eventually it will come off.
The real me is undeserving of your love,
And truly that *****.

I wrote a song about you
It turned out to be a sad song
Because you're not here
I couldn't be truly happy
Without you
Atleast not for a long time
Atleast not until you've found someone
That truly makes you happy
Because your happiness is
My happiness even if
I'm not the source of it.

He said he loves me
He really does
I know he does
And I love him too
But love is just not enough.

Your texts brought with them
Little busts of joy
I'm sorry I acted so coy.
Reading those words;
"I love you"
Boosted my self-esteem.
If I could be loved by you,
Then I'm worthy to be loved.
But then you destroyed me,
And now I constantly seek love and approval
From sources that don't even matter to me.
And that *****!

I can't believe you want me back
I've missed you.

Though it's not the smartest thing to do,
I lose myself when I'm with you.
Though it's the one thing I can't say to you,
I find myself always erasing the text "I love you."

Creativity flows through me
It bleeds from my words
Oozes from my actions
The way I walk
The way I move
The way every random thought I have comes together
To form a masterpiece like this one
Where writing a poem takes just a minute of my time
I write what I think and it doesn't have to rhyme

Words
They elude me
They make me beg my brain
For access to my own vocabulary
When they seem to go missing
It feels like my inner dictionary
Is closed and on holiday

I wished to always have words to say
I wish I could always put down my thoughts
To be able to see what goes through my mind
To be able to decipher how far I've gone with seeming normal

I wished for words
And then they came
For days on end
It was like being possessed by a friend
The words never ceased
And yet contrary to my rationals
The ache in my heart never eased
The main goal was to rid myself of this disease
Slowly eating up the depths of my soul

I decided to move on from words
They didn't seem to be helping
So I prayed for actions
To be able to show how hurt I was
How dead I felt
And to prevent another from drowning
In this mud pit that wouldn't let go

It worked
I found a stranger
With an inner struggle
He made a move
To trust me
I made a move
To care
And so we forged a friendship
And saved ourselves from death.

You held me
And all my fears
Disappeared.
I'm safe.

Well, you got me again.
It's been a while since we rode together, old friend.
Although you've been there,
Stalking me in the shadows.
You thought I didn't notice your subtle signs,
The different costumes you wear,
The places that you hide.

But I do, and I did;
Every single time.
I was aware and wary,
But I guess not careful enough.
You got me this time,
But I promise this will be your last.