it's all okay,
it's all alright,
finally.

things get weird,
it gets bad,
suddenly.

there's no reason why,
things get me down,
quickly.

i don't know,
i don't understand,
how this goes.

things get better,
then they fall apart for no reason,
and it all goes to ****.

you lead
i follow
you run
your speed
i can no longer keep up
you're living
i'm sinking
you're shining
i'm fading
you were the compass
but now i'm more lost than ever

I’m sorry you’re the sun, moon, and stars up so high
When I’m not a single sparkle in your night sky

I’m sorry I’d drown for you in an infinity of blue
When you’d watch me as if it was a spectacle so new

I’m sorry you blossom into my life like spring
When I ache because of the bitter cold your winter brings

I’m sorry you’re a masterpiece of things so bright
Because for you, I’d give up colours and see black and white

I’m sorry I let you take me with the song that you sing
When I’m haunted by the bittersweet tune that you bring

I’m sorry I wish I cared less the way you always do
And I’m sorry I can’t because of the curse that is you

you are so young,
caught in a world
of stage lights and school deadlines
of rushing and huge crowds

but look at you:
you are a fighter,
you move with such passion and grace,
you laugh without a care,
and you are light
to the people around you,
you are so important, so special
and you were made to be as bright
as the fire dancing in your heart.

so continue taking on the world with no fear—
you are appreciated,
you are loved,
my bright little star.

eyes fixate on you
and everything else disappears
(but you and a happiness which wrapped so warmly around my heart)

my gaze which has traveled around the world, which never stays in place,
in those moments were only for you—
you are not just some photographs taken in a rush
of which i have spent time viewing on screens,
you are not a holy icon placed so far up
on stages which someone like me could not possibly dream of reaching
you are not a fabled prince who can only be found in stories—
you are just a boy in love with songs
who speaks in rhythm and rhyme,
you are just a boy to whom movements come so naturally
especially when you are thriving,
you are just a boy with a heart big enough
to be split into thirteen halves,
you are just a boy with a smile so warm
and eyes which speak volumes of words you do not say,
you are just a boy with a soul so grand
that the world found you and just *had to share you
(and i am glad you found me.)

with this i know my heart is safe in your hands,
and with this, i’ll keep loving you for as long as i can.

my mind is a painter, thinking of colors in the form of stories and scenes
thinking about the brightest of city lights  
streets teeming with foreign language
people passing by with stories i'll never know
silent seas along the coastlines
mountains towering above us, old and wise
cabins in the forest with little firesides  
trains full of strangers to fall in love with
airports with people, greetings and goodbyes
postcard-perfect towns and friendly rivers
neighborhoods showered with pretty autumn leaves...

these are the stories painted in my head, the stories i'd love to paint with my own hands.
the places i'd love to see when i'm alone in my bedroom, the stories i want to see for myself.
and sometimes, i fear i'll never reach these works of art,
but with a brush and some paint, what's impossible?

step into the shower
maybe this water will wash the pain away
like the rain would do for me and you
in the month of may

in this light i'll shed some skin
and leave behind words unsaid
maybe if i had done things right you'd be here
on the empty side of this bed

i'm sorry i thought i could be captain
of this ship we built for two
i thought that love was all we'd need
that dreams alone would do

maybe if i pray hard enough
i could forget everything and start anew
i'd erase all these things i've done
but never these memories of you

now who's dreaming beside you, love?
it used to be us two
we can't save each other from nightmares anymore
so now all i dream of is you

pick yourself up
after dark times, fighter
life's still got a lot to give
and things get brighter

i once tried to catch a shooting star
i saw it from afar as it came closer,
i prepared to jump and catch it with all my might
and i was too late:
i held on to its tail
and i wasn't strong enough,
it slipped from my fingertips
like a dream that ends at dawn

and that's when i realized:
some dreams just aren't meant to be—
but that's no reason to stop me
from waiting for other shooting stars to pass by

Such a fool, I once was,
to even dare to think of us!
But still I don't regret a thing,
for you once made my dear heart sing.

desire,

i ache to know you,
to watch you approach me like wildfire
and render me helpless because yes—
i wanted this,
exercised my wildest imaginations
against the wishes of religion and morality
on afternoons when there was nothing to do,
drowned every bit of guilt for the thrill
of the world’s secrets i’ve never known.
i want to know how it’s like to need a body other than mine,
to have senses heightened and feelings wild:
you on my skin,
delicate touches as if reading a map,
and when you leave a phantom hand lingers
only to have me ask for just a little bit more.
a little bit more, please.
i want to know how to melt into another,
in limbo between lust and love
not being able to tell which is heaven and which is hell.
i want to know desire,
to, for once, feed what my body yearns to feel
and to no longer put out
the secret fire that burns in my chest.

how could i ever feel so grand,
so boisterous about my being
when the world is so big
and full of people, places, love,
and life i've yet to see?
i am nothing, i am not superior to anyone or anything,
yet i am a part of the machinery,
a piece of the grand scheme—
i am a rain drop among storms,
i am one leaf among many that fall in autumn,
i am a cloud floating by,
i am a an asterism among a greater constellation
i am an element of something greater than myself—
and yes, i am small, but i am important.
i still matter, and so do you.

i've always had a hard time loving myself
i guess it started with the way adults used to tease me about my chubbiness
and how sensitive i was as a child

after all, i've always had traits i never liked
chubby arms and thighs, a button nose
a mole on my right cheek, a sensitive heart
a wishy washy soul
i can't even draw

then one day,
i thought about how my skin healed after i burnt it really bad from hot water
and how my body kept me warm in the Tokyo breeze late at night in the spring weather
and how i've used these very hands writing this to wipe all my tears

and how my heart, in all its fragility
still fights on and loves
despite all the pains i've felt

and so i realized:
*if this very body of mine can love my soul
and fight to keep me alive and alright,
then it is only right that i love it and accept it

i am a silent soul,
forget about me, if you must.

but one day you'll wake up
to find my bed made, but empty.
i will be off to nowhere,
but i will get everywhere.

i'll scatter myself from the sky like ashes,
i'll fall like the rains of July,
i'll kiss mountain tops like the snow of December,
i'll drift around like the golden leaves of October,
and i will be left to the wind.

i will no longer be a soul
trapped in this cage of flesh and bones,
i will run through the world,
writing post cards about all i will see and do,
but sending them to nobody.

you hold on to a bottle
the way you used to hold on to dreams
you sip and sip until your head starts swaying
and everything is not as it seems

you're on medication for the first time
and when it travels through your body you feel alive
"just one more pill" turns into a million others
the addiction kicks in, you depend on it to thrive

you sit alone in your room
and you sob and let your thoughts strangle you
you could choose to die or live; the world wouldn't care
no one could know exactly what you do

you kiss the mouths of ***** strangers
and let them touch you everywhere
you know this play is meaningless
but you're so hollow inside, you don't care

you're broken and you're lost
so far from home, you don't know who you are
but have you forgotten to look up at night
and see that what comes out from darkness are the stars?

i'll leave
                        pieces of
                                                           my
love                                                                               everywhere
                                                                ­                                                    like
                                                            peta­ls
            in                                                  ­                the                 wind
                            and                    i        ­                                                         hope
you              find                                        the­m                        and                
                  kn­ow                                   i                   wait                        
                                                    for you.

there's always something or someone telling me what to do
there are deadlines to be met
and places to be
there's rules to follow
and a whole future to plan out
but what if for now
i just want to lie in bed
and watch the world pass by?

the night’s as silent as the still seas
but the loudest noise screams inside of me
the city sleeps, faded lights and empty sidewalks
but i’m alone in my head and i can’t talk

i want to dance, to run wild and free
but my demons and monsters won’t let me be
and i am lost, but do i want to be found?
i think no one is going to come around

and i tell myself, hush hush
yet my heart screams in technicolor
but all these billboards and meaningless chatter
tell me “nobody listens, you don’t really matter"

and i am frozen beneath the surface
i am scared and i am nervous
but maybe i’ll get used to this, feeling all alone
writing letters to nobody with no one to phone

i should not have opened the gates
once i heard the gallops of your horse
and the music of you, clad in metal armour,
you were not the knight who would save the damsel in distress i made myself up to be.

there's a certain way some parts of the city
are covered in graffiti that's impossible to erase.
there's a certain way my parents never forget
to kiss my forehead at least once a day.
there's a certain way some gardener in the countryside
remembers to water his rosebeds every morning.
there's a certain way the waves
never leave the shore for any of the ocean's secrets.

and in those same ways,
i want you to never forget me.

i don't know the feeling of seeing the first snow fall
all i've ever known is rain and thunder

the prophets and all the grownups were right
when they said that 17 was a beautiful age.
it is the age of falling in love,
when we are still young enough to hang onto a thread
but old enough to know better.
17 is being on the verge of entering
into the dreaded age of responsibility,
but wanting something more
than what this youth permits.
17 is a transitional time,
when the heart may know not its place
but what it beats for.
17 is a strange time
of learning and growing and being,
and i suppose we will all always be
who we were at seventeen.

there’s many things i’d like to tell you
i want to ask how your day went and if you were happier than ever
i’d like to ask if you’re alright and if not you can talk about it
but if you don’t want to that’s fine too
i want to know your favorite things and why these are the songs
that seem to leave their rhythm in your heart—
what makes your heart stop and what makes it spark?
are you an evening person or do you like when the morning sun kisses your skin telling you quietly “wake up darling, it’s a new day”
or do you like staying in when the rain pours outside while lovers share umbrellas?
did that pretty stranger you passed by in the street
make your heart stop gently the way you do to mine
or do you look down when you walk?
do i maybe cross your mind even if very briefly?
but all these questions and everything that i mean with such purity
are of no use—
once i begin to speak to you the words
stop in my
throat
with such shyness like death
and i stay
quiet like
this.

silly me, i've been watching sunsets all alone
silly me, i feel displacement in a place i'm supposed to call home
silly me, i don't take those happy pills every night
silly me, i feel empty inside
silly me, all i think about are people and places far away
silly me, i thought i was already alright
silly me, i lost the rhythm of life again

times like these
i find myself short of words
to express how i feel for the wonder that you are
there's nothing else to say, but in the simplest of terms:

i miss you

Tonight, I’d love to sleep
But the world screams again
Pointlessly, I try to weigh myself down on the sheets
But the chaos carries me away so often

Then it begins, the fire in my soul
I feel it fuel me then consume me
It ignites flames, illuminated and whole
But burns to ashes the nice things I used to be

And tonight, I don’t want to answer the phone
My heart says yes, my thoughts say no
I’ll keep to myself in the dark, please leave me alone
Turn the lights out but please don’t go.

i always hear your whispers,
they are snakes that slither from my ears
and they travel down the same way
your breath would on my neck.

i remember looking out the window
and i could feel your gaze in the shivers down my spine
and i'd tell the stars about my desires,
i'd tell them about you.

sometimes i wish i could find you
like this—
seated alone in a place where you find
some sort of solitude from
the flashing lights
the loud sounds and
the brushing of shoulders with people
who you may never see again;
it’s always like this.
it seems to be fast paced and wild,
wonderful and lonely in the way you live.
so perhaps if i came across you seated this way,
in a table by the window with a cup of hot chocolate,
you would offer me a seat
and i would watch the sunlight kiss your face
and i would offer you a room in my heart,
tell you “come here, be with me,
tell me how your day went
and how you are feeling.”
and perhaps we’d share our favorite songs
and this moment of ours would feel like one
meant for the silver screen,
but it would be ours,
tucked away from the noise and the ordinary.
and perhaps i’ll be able to know you the way i wish i could:
talking over cups of hot chocolate like good old friends.
i’ll show you my world
and you’ll show me mine,
no matter how different they seem to be.

it's strange—
on some nights,
i lie down on my bed
in the evening heat only Manila could give,
i feel like my soul drifts from
this body i could never love,
it decides to leave and venture off elsewhere
because i'm always just wishing i were somewhere else

then suddenly, i feel the weight of my bones again
i'm back in my bedroom,
and my body is sinking into the mattress
because when i realize i'm still where i am,
i want to disappear instead

i lost you too easily
to space dust dreams and cosmic clouds of nebulae.
knowing you, you would have willingly dissolved yourself
to beautiful phenomena such as these

ever since i woke up to the stars igniting brighter than normal
and your body disappearing from the other side of the bed,
i packed my bags to traverse every swirling galaxy within reach
in the pursuit of finding you

perhaps that is why you decided to leave planet Earth;
you have always been itching to join the stars
you never felt settled in your skin, in the matter that made you
and you wanted to be something more.

i do not know how long i will keep searching for you amongst cosmos
and i have seen my fair share of comets and dark matter,
but whatever universe you are in may never come in sight -
at least the stars seem brighter with you now

Show me the secrets of the world
Hidden in photographs and all the books to be read.
I am young, I am curious.

Scrape my knees on the sidewalk
And I'll bleed through careless laughter,
I'll wipe the sweat from my playground days
With towels that are now too small
For this body I've grown into,
and oh, how I've grown:
I'm older, longer limbs and bigger words
Taller, tall enough to see
Beyond fairytales and nursery rhymes,
I'm tall enough to look out the window
And feel the world before me,
And grasp it like it is mine, like I am meant
To soar over oceans the way I ran on asphalt,
But still I am young enough, and I wonder still.

So let the clocks tick so I can watch the sun rise
Let me cry my eyes out to wipe my tears
Let  me laugh until I cannot breathe
Let me love until I cannot see
Let me feel like I shine with the stars overhead
Let me learn and learn from the world to no end
Let me drown so I can gently float to the surface
Let me be adventurous, frightened of growing up
Let me be splendidly young forever.

i wish we had spring
so that you could take my hand
and keep my heart warm

there's an undying storm in my heart
it grows so tall
it reaches my throat
and chokes me
stealing my speech
and brewing rainfall
that pours in the form of tears
from my eyes
it twists and turns
to knot my stomach
enough to stop me from smiling
it screams in thunderstorms
so deafening they fill my head
like thoughts i'd rather not have—
there's no way of stopping it
but to wait and take cover
to hide and hold on
to every corner, every string
only to survive

but storms eventually calm
and reach landfall
my heart sees the horizon overhead
when the skies are clear
and i think to myself:  
still, the good days rise,
still the good days rise.

it is rare to come across
a mind quite as beautiful as his
it overflows with wonders
so he sets them free
through words and tunes,
this symphony-blooded boy
commands piano keys
and guitar strings with passion
so much that he could move
planets and mountains
the way people would for him.
his heart, although it runs on a lack of sleep,
stands strong through every night
spent thinking and writing and creating.

so if you do come across minds like these,
know that you are lucky
for you are glancing into universes
held within a single being,
of which are lived out through song and dance.

drink the syrup
take the pill
swallow the happiness
and the side effect thrill

keep the chaos to yourself
cry to the morning sun
lose track of time and sleep
until the aching emptiness is gone

together we watched sunsets
more than senseless television shows
in our minds we mapped escape routes
on the empty roads that wound on and on
the uniform houses with plain walls
made the city feel so far away
when that was where we wanted to be
all we ever knew were the same little stores
and lifeless gasoline stations
but with the lack of life around us
we were still storms brewing in our bedrooms
painting the grey town with the colors
of knowing we belonged in other places
and indulgence in undying dreams

i
      DO
not
     WANT
to
     TURN
a
     YEAR
older
     AGAIN
i
     AM
still
      MESSY
and
      I
have
      NO
money.

here we are,
i've found the center of the universe—
it is when you are beside me and suddenly
all the planets in their orbits are disrupted,
they run in circles the way my mind does
whenever you come around.
the trees dance and sway
to the rhythm of your hands,
for you are their favorite musician.
suddenly all the world's gardens bloom
in my heart, there is a flowerbed on which
you are invited to rest—
come here, be with me.
the sun's warmth transfers itself
into the adjacent stars below
your forehead
upon which the moon plants a kiss every night,
because it loves you so.
and the wild seas would never dare
to bring tears of salt into your eyes,
the darkest storms would never dare to steal your light,
and here i am,
looking at you,
peering at you curiously,
feeling as if
i could travel every corner of the world.
now, will you please continue to map
the way to you for me?
let me know, and i will follow.

Bit by bit the debris of my being will dilapidate
My arms of cement will be tied and pulled to pieces by ropes
My windows shall be crashed and shattered by the indestructible cranes
The walls that contained the stories I kept will be torn down ceaselessly
The pillars that once made me stand tall will crumble to pieces and dust
My tower will fall apart amongst all the people and placed I've come to love
The ground beneath me will give in as I sink into the hollow Earth to disappear.

And as this may appear as a catastrophe, it most certainly is not.
In fact, it is satisfaction -
Satisfaction for the people
Who ordered for the nuisance I was
To be taken down and demolished for their own reasons.

has your song ended?
have the instruments been put away?
has the singer gone to rest?
is this the end of the day?
are the dancers all tired,
the floor no longer filled?
do the spectators never come,
because they've lost the will?

will i never see you dancing,
waltzing through the room?
will i never hear you singing
under the light of the moon?
has your broken heart unlearned to love
all too quick and soon?

to the brilliant minds of the warehouse
who embraced all oddities
in painted nails and tattoos,
whose hands worked wonders
and made masterpieces,
who loved the world
and spoke up
in technicolor and loud sounds...

you will always blaze brighter
than the fires that took you

what a beautiful thing it is to have loved such a flame
a fire that started slowly
then grew taller, grew brighter
a beam of light in the darkness that was magic to me.

what a beautiful thing it is to have loved such a flame
i felt its warmth and i spectated
i came closer and it suddenly turned into different hues
gentle yellows, angry reds, sullen blues.

what a beautiful thing it is to have loved such a flame
it was beautiful, it was bright
it was burning, a star in the night
but then it hurt too much, i could no longer fight.

what a beautiful thing it is to have loved such a flame
i came to close to your fire and you scorched my soul
and i knew what i had to do:
i had to put you out for the better.

what a beautiful thing it is to have loved such a flame
and i'm sorry i stole your fire, i let you die down
i'm sorry i let you hurt me
and make me feel like i was being burnt alive to a slow and steady death

what a beautiful thing it is to have loved such a flame
and now all you are is ghostly smoke
slightly suffocating me still
but fading away while i sit in the darkness

a little girl once wanted and thought she could keep the entire world. every night she cried at the sight of the stars, her heart burst whenever the flowers would bloom, she'd dance in the rain whenever it would so much as drizzle.

one night, when her little heart began to overflow with so much yearning, she walked to a cliff by the sea with a jar in hand. she opened the jar, holding it up to the sky and watched the delicate universe make its way inside it all so gently. immediately, she capped the jar and was amazed that she held the world in her hands. for many days she took it around with her, leaping through rivers on stepping stones and walking through sea shores in the light of day.

one day, suddenly, the bottle fell from her hands and her heart stopped. she could not believed she had dropped it. she picked up the jar, and suddenly it seemed as if the universe was wounded. she could not believe she did such a thing.

on the night of that unfortunate day, she made her way to a mountaintop with a heavy heart and her vision murky from tears. just as she was high enough to touch the clouds, she carefully chose a spot and stood firmly, still sniffling a little bit.

"i did not take care of you when you trusted me. i do not deserve you, universe." she said, her voice shakey as she uncapped the jar. "i am sorry."

in the same manner she caught the universe, she held her open jar towards the heavens and watched the universe pour out the bottle in wisps—the stars and planets and all of space and time dispersed before her eyes and again, she began to cry. she wondered how she was even able to keep such a beautiful thing and how she had failed it.

days passed and the girl was lonely again. as she strolled past plants and vines, they would wilt in sadness. the sun would shine so palely in the morning that even the moon could not console it. she was so sad that even nature joined her in silence.

on one morning, she woke up feeling a different beating in her heart. she stood up from her flower bed to look at her reflection, and to her surprise she found something shining just right under her left shoulder.

there, she found the universe had come back to her—not in the same jar it used to be in, but in her heart.

"do not ever think you do not deserve the world just because of your shortcomings," she heard the universe whisper, her hand in her chest. "i have found my way to your heart and here i will stay."

and that is how the girl began to carry the universe she had so loved in her heart, forever.

this house we built out of love
has fallen under the weight
of needing each other
with the miles and oceans
that separate us.
our bones are breaking
and we are drowning
in the dirt
in the rubble of our memories,
the smoke chokes us
and we cannot breathe.

the weight in my chest
tell me that i simply want to be
where you are.

did you know your hair was golden in the sun?
you were the boy king, gentle as the summer air
you found me frail and useless, when i was nothing
yet you, in all your glory, made me something.

your name echoed through all the kingdoms of Greece,
you threatened yet were admired by the greatest of warriors
you roused lustful dreams in the most tender and innocent of nymphs
you were the mighty sentinel of the common stranger
yet you were mine to hold in the dark of night.

i still think about the way your leg dangled as your lyre lulled on,
your languid trails of kisses and starlit whispers
still haunt me the same way your unavoidable fate
crept upon you through your noble triumphs.

i have listened to your speeches like homilies of the faithful
i have memorized the creases on your face of fierceness
i have kissed your war wounds and cried for your pain
and i have read the greatest of legends in the lines of your body.

i could have sworn your battle cries
were as melodious as your lyre songs
and so beautiful they were
that i still hear you sing in the tides of the Aegean seas

you were destined for fame and wondrous glory
to be a story to be told for all time
to have people cheer your name and fall on their knees for you
loss was a feeling foreign to you,
yet the only thing you lost yourself to, in your pride, was love

who knew love could be such a terror?

golden haired triumphant prince
running swift and beautiful with the ocean breeze
nobody could ever catch up:
i had always thought you and i would live forever.

Life is truly a wonder
The world is a place I live for
My heart swells with bewilderment as the sun rises
And when the stars twinkle silent and still, I watch them from my bedroom window

Yet, the only thing that doesn't seem quite right
Is the haunting hatred swirling in the shards of my shattered soul from the moment I wake  
For my heart wishes to learn to love myself
As much as I am in love with the universe

When the sun sleeps and the night is silent
I lie restless and alone,
As my eyelids are heavy while my mind screams...
Yet, it is bliss to glance outside
To see the moon in the darkness, beaming like a distant friend, a speck in the horizon
And although we both know I'm not meant to be with wonders such as the stars
He never leaves me behind, always calling through the window

The morning after is when the heart is at its heaviest.
Remnants of the night before are broken in fragments,
barely alive but still breathing, like wilting flowers—
Neon lights, stolen glances, cups of coffee, roaring laughter, moments when you feel like you're in love—
They turn to memories left in a time
that isn't far away just yet,
But the distance of just a few hours
makes you feel lonelier than ever.
*(The past within your reach, yet impossible to grasp once again.)

the morning is kind...
silence fills the empty streets
where drunken people like sailors
once roamed,
now they sleep soundly
with the early breeze cradling them

bakeries and flower shops open,
the mailmen and delivery girls
make their way through quiet neighbourhoods,
the early birds rise
with a vision of coffee and breakfast,
and the sunlight is gentle on the skin—
go outside or sit by the window to feel it.
it kisses you,
inviting you start the daw anew.