the sun sizzles
on that red car
wrinkled skin sits and
ages as that motor
howls on
waiting for a go.
a mercedes, maybe
or perhaps, a honda.
either way
this is why I hate Florida

i sit there with
the cool wind
breezing against my face
while the summer sizzles
on my shoulders

your golden thigh
sticks to my skin
as we drive to the game
every ******* week

the boys
they sit in the back
and pack their lips
and talk **** about
the girls

the girls
who don't realize
that they're their easy targets
who skip around
in their short, tight
dresses

they talk about their waists
and the way they like to moan
every little imperfection
all avail have they shown

they think that it makes them buff
they think that it makes them cool
and i let them light their egos
and sometimes i chirp on too

but yet i sit and listen
and sometimes i think
they don't realize that i'm a girl
too

i don't know how i feel about that

i dream about
that girl
that girl
who can wear that
dress
and smoke
after school

she can let her
hair down
even on the hot days
and let it fall
and dance
on the small of her back

she breaths in
the lethal fumes
that don't even touch her
her porcelain skin
too taut to let the
poisons in

she sits and lets
the sun melt on her face
as she lays on the freshly
cut grass
the boys staring
and her not caring

i sit and stare
at that girl
who sits and stares
right back at me
through the smoke
of my infinite
dreams

suddenly I'm able to see
everything. too much.
its all there. right
in front of me
everything is
elucidated

I just wish someone would
come back, and fog up these windows
I use for eyes and maybe
put back some of that
sweet mystery
into the world

I wish I was back in that
candy shop. When my only worriers
were the cavities that Dr. Patanaud
would discover
hiding in the dark crevices of
my mouth

But now, along with those cavities
in the deep and infinite caves
of my whole are secrets
that hurt more than cavities
that I wish my dentist could
fill. but he cannot

and so now, here
I am. with a
sore mouth. and sore
eyes. and sore
ears. sitting at the only
lit table in a romantically dark
room

sugar is how we got here

sprinkled on things
that were once plain
and thus made
so much sweeter

doused on the
painful qualms
of everyones stupid
life

poured on our
guilty pleasures
that keep us astray
from what we know

but sugar gives us cavities
rots our teeth
rots our soul
rots our world

she thought that when she closed her eyes the world would be better
she thought that good would fill the bad
that happiness would fill the sad
she thought that the world would glow with smiles

she thought that if she closed her eyes the hurt would be sweet
she thought that the beatings wouldn't bruise
that the names wouldn't sting
she thought that her lids would shield her from pain

she thought that imagination could overcome reality
she thought that if she told herself everything would be okay, it would
but her eyelids didn't shield her
and her words didn't heal her

and the world remained untouched
and the beatings still bruised up
and for the first time she saw
the ring of fire encircling us all

tossing around. over and over.
I grab my clock
4:06 am
what now

I can't stop thinking
my mind is filled with confusion
confusion about love
about life, about me

who am i? i ask
why does my true personality have to be so unattainable
why does it have to be so absolutely true that not even I
not even my parents or friends will understand

I want to run to the root and tell the world who I am
no. i tell myself, its too late
**** it. i say, who cares now?
no one.

I grab my shoes and barbour and climb the stairs toward the gates of hell
the gates of freedom, of insubordination, of truth
with boiling blood oozing, seeping, crawling and consuming terrified souls

I grasp the thick walls that prevent me from the end
the coarse black paint rubs off onto me
I smear the charcoal onto my face
i yell. i cry. i scream.
but still, no one hears me.

I watched you
as you walked down
that cool, grey
sidewalk

flaming lips
clung to your
cool, dark
skin

chewing your pencil
between your
slightly hereditary yellow
teeth

And that one
chipped tooth
that i gave you
when we were seven  

I watched myself
put my cigarette down
because suddenly
I wanted to have lungs

I wanted to have lungs
so i could breathe
your sweet and pure
air

At that moment
you became the succulent poison apple
the 1000 calorie ice cream cone
the guilty pleasure

my saccharine escape
from this cancerous world

so what would you look like
you know
if you were still here

would you still shoot those guns
that scared the **** out of me
and taught me how to cry

and what about the scotch
would it still linger
and cling to your breath

your stupid laugh
that makes me want to
roll up in a ball

because i miss it
so much
i miss you
i miss it all

some people say that they want to remember all the memories
the moments of excitement, anger and lust

but if those people knew what reality was really like
they would understand why all i want to do is forget

life is full of liars
full of cheaters and frauds and skanks
and no one is real. absolutely no one.

the skies are grey and the weather is dull
and dense coal black game stagger among the clouds
squawking and squealing
and staring you down with black beady eyes as you do the deed.

you take my breath away
like that dense soccer ball
that was punted to my stomach
in the fourth grade

i like the way you tease me
and drag your cold fingers
across the small of my back
just to get the tingles

i like the way you touch
and pull at my shorts
and tear at my shirt
so that the holes expose my goosebumps

i like the way you play with my hair
and tug it when we
get ***** on the grass
just a little yank

and the perfect way you hunch
thats what gets me the most
because it makes you like no one else
it makes you taste like you

cold tiles and
a rose sink
cuts that make
it hard to think

clogged drains
florescent lights
bolted doors
that lock so tight

a beating heart and
closed blinds
please dont leave
me left behind

its weird how
one day
you see flowers bloom
and the next
you see them die

its weird how
the sun can shine on
one side of your face
but on the other
only shadows find their place

its weird how
no one knows
that these laughs and smiles
are just escapes
from the letters in piles

its weird how
all thats left
is just a blank canvas
and just empty space
and someone in line
to take your place

trickling up the spine
slipping down the throat
consumed like sweet candy
when really a suicide note

unaware of its power
unaware of the threat
it is misunderstood and ignored
its meaning never met

swimming in the stomach
burning through the mind
pulling at the ovaries
its the only of its kind

shredding through like paper
bleeding past like wine
the lost are now forgotten
the lost are now mine

I was born and raised in cement.
only slightly porous and pigmented grey
with mold and mildew seeping into unsuspecting cracks
and flowers and lilliputian trees sprouting here and there

the sunshine caused the heat to rise
and my skin burned soles and souls to touch
making me undesirable
making me poisonous  

the snow caused my skin to freeze
causing backs to breaks and people to die
making me hated
making me alone

and yet I cannot escape my home
I have grown to love its lethal walls
its sinister and dangerous pout
its hard and familiar structure

I am one within the cement
I am stronger than bone
I am indestructible
I can survive and I will outlast all

love is the scariest part of life
there is no philosophy behind love
just like there is no philosophy behind the meaning of life
leaving a missing puzzle piece for subjects to discover

what comes out of love is frightening
and what one puts into love is even more
love makes people desire, dream and long like never before
and live as if they were dying

love is unexpected and obscure
when you look it straight in the eye, it looks back at you
without a flinch
showing power, showing fearlessness

it can be destructive and messy
hopeless and obscene
or it can be a deep abyss of passion
of lost and hearing that the the stomach is nauseated by

the truth is. no human being fully knows what love is
its properties are unknown for a reason
it leaves surprises and unexpected turns
and revives life from the overwhelming mundane.

and those who have the privilege of love
of seeing love
of believing love
are the only ones who are real.

the apple tree sits
staring at me
watching my every move

her branches reach out to touch my flaxen hair
combing out the tangles with her withering limbs
her leaves form a braided wreath
with fragile pink blossoms embodying my innocence

her knots form a kind and gentle face
the corners of her mouth turning up to assure me of hope
her crevices are filled with love and life
my only friends. my only family.

"patience" she says
and so i wait. and so i watch
waiting the blessed day of forthcoming

"patience" she says
but I can't wait any longer
my crystal blue eyes are beginning to discolor and my hair is beginning to fall
time is running out

I break from her withered limbs
I break from her benevolent smile
I break from her hospitality and materialness that nursed me back to health
only to fall into a deep abyss of incompetence and insubordination

childish and juvenile acts that were not nursed by the fruit of eden.

I run back to her warm bark
begging for forgiveness
only to taste the now bitter apple.

like a blue bird on the first day
she sits and stares at her prey

snow falls gently on the wet sand
the wind and the water hand in hand

she screams and scowls and gasps for air
with strands of long flaxen brown hair

floating in the waves she forgets naught
closer to shore are the memories she fought

then she remembers the times that she hated
and not too longer all was faded.

sometimes I wonder what life would be like if it hadn't happened
would he then love me? would he then treat me, touch me, talk to me, as he had done before?
would he see me as his love, his partner, his ally, rather than a foe?

sometimes i wonder what life would be like if she hadn't come along
would he then want me? would he then look at me, chase me, feel me, as he had done before?

would he have chosen me?
would he have kissed and held me? and smiled when he saw me?
would all those hours, those days, those months, talking to him, learning about him go to use?

but woe is me. and i am but a bystander,
cursed by lust and impatience
trapped in a cold, dark heart, incapable of feelings others.
incapable of being his.

i've got a lump in my throat
that won't go away

and some tears in my eyes
that can't seem to sway

my hands won't stop trembling
as I sit here and sigh

from all the postcards stacked
by this window so high

but you haven't responded
so they haven't been sent

and so my anxiety
is all I have left

but these voices won't stop screaming
and this ceiling never ends

and this lump in my throat
keeps on doing big backbends

so please respond
before my landlord calls

telling me the neighbors
have been complaining

about these love letters
through the white drywall

alone i sit in peace
alone i sit in forgiveness
alone i sit in love
alone i sit in harmony

alone i sit in hatred
alone i sit in betrayal
alone i sit in confusion
alone i sit in denial

alone i sit in silence
alone i sit in sound
alone i sit in darkness
alone i sit in a crowd

alone i sit today
alone i sit right now
alone i sit forever
please get me out somehow

an empty scream is heard
it comes from the side of the road
and flows down the highway
ignored by all that knows

the screamer keeps on whispering
and no one really cares
she sits and cries her helpless moans
whimpering without a care

but no one can help her
her precious torn up soul
for she is past redemption
for she has reached her core

it came to most like a shock
possibly a silent cry
but the most powerful realizations
are the ones who lose it all

and so everyone watches
but no one seems to care
because the screamer sits and cries
her helpless moans, so helpless

my life is a deep hole of naught
no friends, no family, no love
just emptiness filling a vast dark space
lined with hatred, immaturity and selfishness

a long time ago, the hole was once filled
with friends, with family, with love
everything was good, and everyone was happy
and the hole was lined with diamonds and smiles

but then something disastrous happened
and the hole was exposed to eliminating toxins
and suddenly the good became bad, and the happy became sad
and the lining burned like acid on the skin

the girl couldn't do anything about it
she just watched as her guilt ate her away
as the words of enemies and foes beat her to the ground
until there was no girl, just a bubble floating away

beyond the furthest mountain
but aft of the nearest star
there lives a young fair maiden
oblivious to the world so far

she sits and combs her hair each night
untangling each knot with care
but little does she think with fright
of the bombs that blow and scare

so there she sits and sings her song
a merry little tune
swaying a little here and there
lit only by the moon

but when she looks out her window
not much does she see
only piles of coal black ash and rust
a present from her family

and so she sits and hums along
waiting for the chance
to leave her red wooden chair
which she falls into nightly to rest

won't you pay
attention
just for me?
just this one time?
please, just let me see?

i've waited for you
for days
for years and
months and
minutes

but all that you
leave to show for yourself
are the days
and years and
months and minutes

that you stay away

but i need you here
for closure
or at least for a
goodbye

because
your face is
like a melody
that won't leave
my head

and all i want is
the music to stop
or at least to come
to a blissful
temporary
end

I sit here watching the world around me
moving round in circles
round and round
carrying reality by the shoulders

I wonder what to say next
where to go, who to meet
staring at a room of anonymous personas
faux faces masking their true identities

I fall through my corpse
through my feelings, through my thoughts
into the cold and dense frame of my shadow
into an isolated world without time

from on the outside, i look in
regarding the smiles and snares
the laughter and lying
and suddenly the masks are lifted to reveal the horns and halos of saints and sinners

everything is still and cold
flowers wilt but humans don't age
and the expiration of life is replaced by the warranty of shadows

her eyes open wide
her hands reach out
her mouth gapes open
"welcome to the world" we say

her eyes are lit with curiosity
so full of adventure
so full of excitement
"watch out for the wars" we say

her hands are stretched to grasp a moment
so full of dexterity
so full of feeling
"know what you're getting into" we say

her mouth is wide and eager to speak
so full of knowledge
so full of love
"be careful with the boys" we say

her eyes now shut
her hands now at her side
her mouth now sealed tight
"goodbye, baby girl" we say

my grief has moved on
to somebody else
but it feels like
the pile just grows

the tears are thicker
the smears are slicker
and it feels like
nobody knows

I sit each night
after they all go to bed
to hide the sorrow
that nobody shows

but I still cry all the time
in fear of forgot
in my heart
so full of these woes

are you still here?
if so,
why haven't you said anything?

it's been four years
six months
and eleven days

i talk to you,
you know?
every night.

do you hear me?

sometimes you're left there
just thinking about it
about your life with it
about your life without it

tears stream down your face
you reach out, aiming for it
grasping that piece that has been
missing for so long

but it loosens your grip
it eases your fingers and tickles your palm
teasing you for falling for it
mocking your lack of reality

how could it be
that something once so close to the touch
is now so far away?
a distant and fading memory of change and hope

how could it be
that something so good, so sweet, so tender
could beguile you into thinking you actually had a chance.
a chance to be something new, something fresh, something beautiful.

the beauty of youth melts
it doesn't break and it doesn't shed
it leaves hot wax down your spine
and molds to your form

its there to remind you of what you're missing
like a second layer
invisible to others
but like a hollywood sign to your eyes

it mocks you with its crisp fresh eyes
it laughs at you with its plump lips
it points at you with manicured fingernails
and haunts you with every light step

it will be there forever
like a bad bar of soap
you will try to scrub and tare at it
but its yours, its yours

the sun is beginning to come out again
but it still burns to touch
the rays of heat glistening from afar
grazing the shoulders and scorching the fresh eyes

everything turned to dust when the light hit
particles of memories and personas leaving on a whim
caused by the fruits of harsh brightness
lasting until the devil went to sleep

but when the moon arose the world cooled
the blacktops didn't sizzle and the benches didn't burn
life froze when the moon came out
into a peaceful state of harmony

but the peace cannot last forever
and when it does, life becomes corrupt
the world grows quiet
time runs out

why won't you let me move

why have you become my crutches

I don't want your support anymore

like mud that seeps into sand
I mold into an unflattering form
At times the wind breezes
I shift. I shift

But even the blows cannot sculpt me
I am becoming fossilized
I can't breath and my heart hurts
I wait. I wait

The birds begin to peck at my dusty scalp
They all scowl at me
I must sit there and be mocked by
feathered creatures
I wish I could say "no more"
but I can't. I can't.