Events happened they did their activities
From basketball to hiking to soccer
Via drinking to eating to *******
It was the same as any other job
Time to destress from the stressful job
Even if pushing their bodies to the limit
Hike a five hundred metre peak after shift
Or drink a dozen beers with ***** chasers
Takes the stress of the job away
What is your after work thing
To recover from all those calls

Not Hopping
Some trainers in the BPO industry
Have worked in 20 or 30 different places
Brian met 2 or more such trainers
Both had worked in dozens of centres
Between a month’s training and years
Finally settling down to train others
Being hoppers no more job to job
Instilling their skills info knowledge
With wisdom guidance mind set
It takes skill to be a trainer
And something else to excel
Getting the next generation ready
Reps support trainers OMs

Change Time
Do some reps miss the selling?
When they’re between call centre jobs
Not able to close a sale for B2B
Or get a Sirius XM radio upgrade
What of reps doing tech support
Fixing broken TVs and infra-red heaters

Same **** different shift on and on
Dial dial inbound joy call queuing
Sup call where’s your TL?
They’re MIA having a secret smoke
While the reps struggle on
This shift the same as before
Nothing new to learn here
They don’t wanna report in

But must or get sanctioned
They dream of a sales job
Actually being good at it
Getting top box metrix and sales
Walking with pride enjoying work
Looking forward to each shift
Not like tech support Hell!
Time for a change

Kookie
The job got really kookie
2 almost sales in a day
Both failed at the VT stage
1 was the wrong business name
Plus a scheduled meeting
1 was a customer sick of holding
Who chatted with his pal
The calls added to a prior 1
This cx wanted the service
On a future date not today
Call me back in a week
2 sales that never were
A 3rd if the cx still agrees
After checking 48 rivals
VOIP service is fierce
Getting sales is gold dust
Another day of bad juju
Tomorrow will be different
Will tomorrow soon come?

Mr Fraudy
They talk about bringing back the corrupt boss
The camp is divided down the middle
Some for the boss the **** lickers
Some not for the boss the honest ones
A right storm is brewing!

The mango tree and cig area
Plus toilets and canteen buzzed
The old fraudy manager will return
If he does then I will go to war

Start off with a Messenger GC
So all can air their secret views
Knowing there will be a spy there
Do a Google form DO NOT REMPLOY HIM!
This and other things from my end
I’ll take my historic complaints to HR
So it’s on the record he did this

On these dates and will do so again
To some other suckers he rules
Keep an eye out for the ex-boss
He soon maybe your new boss!
Even if HR say other wise

Six call centre years/what will the next six be like?/career made for fools

Bangkok Beasting
The Fake God is there with the other bosses
All having a powwow to decide what to do
We are dragged in there and lectured hard
The client wants more sales as do I
This you must do for June July and beyond

The target is 130 and you’ve just 18
You need a 1200 percent increase
Can you do this in 2 weeks yes or no?
I said yes but if we don’t we are all ******
The client can pull out in September
Instead of renewing the contract

The Fake God said Brian you remember
Yes Boss I remember a year ago
We got the contract and must again
I don’t wanna be part of a failure
The other boss said the client can
Bill us 2 months higher rates if we fail

Do I move the account elsewhere?
The real boss asked in another beasting
As much as I dislike Fake God’s attitude
I respect his sales skills and drive
The ****** will take us all to Hell

The real boss will observe us all
Away we go in this B2B **** up
It certainly gave Brian writing material
Tho he wished he was still in Manila
And not being beasted in Bangkok

Hot Tottie!

The TL’s galfriend has fine curvy thighs in her dark blue jeans

The TL’s galfriend has fine ******* that Red wants to ****

The TL’s galfriend has fine lips to kiss whomever she kisses

The TL’s galfriend has fine proportioned lower lips in her *******

The TL’s galfriend has fine smiles when she sees Brian with his gal

The TL’s galfriend has fine greetings on meeting in and out of work

The TL’s galfriend has fine hips to make TL a daddy four times over

The TL’s galfriend has fine shape to please all people all the time

The TL’s galfriend has fine attributes in every single lovely way

What If?
Brian never thought he would work in a call centre
When he lived in Germany he was unemployed
And while looking for a job he was forced to go
Work in a call centre and refused creating a fuss
I’m not selling insurance or loft insulation!
Put me on fork lift truck training it’s my job
Not some **** call centre 2 towns away

The stupid ***** running the training place
Offered to buy Brian a bicycle and he laughed!
You silly ******* cow retrain me on fork lifts
I need to renew my outdated licence
Not work taking calls like a fool robot
Half a decade passed and Brian
Ate his words working in a call centre!

It all happens there/work in a call centre job/go do what you want

Work in a call centre all night long five nights a week
On shift number five told to go drinking with the bosses
Drink till drunk then drink till you puke this is an order
I did this twice with them when I worked in a small BPO
Twice was enough drink till I crawl had my fill no more
Takes the stress away but I’m not doing it again
I was too tired after shift asked time and again
Let’s drink till we puke and crawl in many call centres
Not my thing now with my team mates who aint my pals
Too many differences interest wise and age
I’m not in their little click how many times?
I drink alone after shift five know what I wanna do
Not spend time with them or their fake friends
All plastic posturing and lies none of it for me
Work in a call centre drink till you puke and crawl

bad tl
a certain team leader/was obsessed with cash/bumping up his metric/any which was he could/legal or borderline illegal/the tales of his was known/he did it in six centres/greed and metric manipulation/not a good example of a good sup/when you meet this snake/watch him closely/he has no conscience/is good at his job/manipulating people and the system/see the car he drives/wears different trainers each day/i'd rather have nothing/than be like him

Freebies
Look how happy the reps are
Eating the free pizza
Given by the client
Some reps have 1 piece
Another ate 16 pieces
Talk about greedy!
Free coffee was given
As only coffee went with pizza
On a call centre night shift
Plus Pepsi cold 2 litres
Wish it was drink all you can
Don’t be selfish now!
Think of your team mates
You're on the account together
Nobody will be left behind
Or so they say in training
When nesting is passed
And production starts
It's obvious who makes it
Right now enjoy the free pizza
Given by the client
The new reps are happy
Will it soon change?

Vexations
Tell the boss how you really ******* feel
His job totally ****** ***** and he does as a boss
Blame him for you having no sales!
As he’s in charge and talks to the client
Who sends over new leads you call
Give me some good leads and you’ll get sales
Simple as that give me old **** leads
What do you expect me to get nothing?
Why I feel frustrated and *******!
Unlike the clicky bosses who click along
And most of the other reps with a sale each
Give me a sale and I’ll feel a bit better
If the right offer comes up see you later

Brian worked on 2 very different education accounts
One was UK based with 6 main call drivers
3 of these had sub topics of varied concerns
He took calls off teachers needing help
He was trained on all 6 main concerns
But only took calls on 3 of them
47% of the reps resigned    
The other account was very different
Like comparing a bicycle to a truck
It was a very hard US account
He listened to the customer
Then clicked an onscreen prompt
And a computer voice spoke aloud!
People asked about courses
It was all fine education improved lives
Plus Brian persevered in hard accounts
Maybe one day he’ll go back
To do the other 3 concerns
Or a different school account

No1 BPO
Each call centre says they’re the best
They never say they’re number 2
Always number 1 in their own way
Is this in most collected revenue?
Or number of employees?
Or with the most offices?
Each call centre says No1
The same saying by them all
Can’t they say something new?

Alarm!
The 2010 mobile phone stopped working
Brian used it as an alarm clock
He was late for work twice
It never saved the alarm more than once
No good for a working week
He had to check it daily
If he forgot he'd be late
Brian would buy a radio alarm
A Japanese one like he had back in 85
That lasted a decade or more
He ignored the radio on it
Kept it on electronic noise
It woke up the neighbours!

Reasons
He worked in many BPO call centres and was considered a tenured agent
Meaning he knew what he was doing and could be trusted not to **** up
Not all tenured reps were so trustable or blemish free some really ******* up
Getting caught having *** in the security office with the guard watching the CCTV
Spotted raiding the biscuit cabinet that belonged to one of the vendors
Attempting to bribe the client by approaching a rival company to sell secrets
Setting up a rep you don’t like to take the fall for fraud that you actually did
Swing thru the axle of the boss’ Jaguar sports car so he died in a high speed crash
All this and more was done by so called trustable tenured reps over the years
It was an example of what not to be like no matter what the reason or motive

Together
Metrix love them hate them
Top box CSAT bottom box DSAT
What makes or breaks a rep
Or Team Leader or support
Your stats are my stats
My stats are your stats
We’re in this crap together
The call centre job
Love it hate it do it together
Top or bottom never middle

Skankers

The leads were crap only getting 0.3 chance of a sale

They were ***** leads that no other shop wanted

So they gave them us to call 42 and 76 ***** leads

He thought 42 ***** was worse than 76 *****

He got 5 DNCs in a row here was swore and threatened

He dialled the leads 10 times a day both 42 and 76

The 76 ***** leads got Brian a gold contact

A different person handled the phones

Wanted new ones send me the info right now!

He did just that and he waits for closure

So he can celebrate having a 25 user sale

Each user will give him 1000 pesos

That’ll be 25k to spend on beer tattoos

Food hookers flying hiking and more

Oh for more ***** leads what blissful joy!

Battling TL Leaves B2B
The Fake God finally won the battle
The battling TL got booted out of the B2B account
She asked him how he would feel on it
It’s ok as we’re friends and you’re still here
You reported the Fake God for his six thou wanga
He got another rep to give him and he lost ninety four thou
When suspended that month tho he was finished
The call centre rescinded that and gave him a month rest
He came back as only he can do the job
You reported his lieutenant lap dog for dodgy upsells
The magic number is five users add four to the one you picked
Both are still there like pet dog and food bowl
You mark on the account is noted and in my poems
All the best on your reassignment
And stick with the army training too

Moment Time
The client came over again
2nd time in a year to see the reps
Plus support who dialled the account

It was he who asked his boss the Fake God
Why not ask the client dial his account?
So we can see how good he is?
The tip of the spear the best in action

Get the other bosses there too
See who the best seller is
It would be exceptional and rare

Try to absorb some of their skills
For we sell their product in their account
It has to be special like we all are
Let’s do it and become more than legends

He wanted to equal then surpass
The Fake God in skills and success
Brian actually respected and liked the guy

And it was somewhat reciprocated
The Fake God knew he was older
And ill with gout and arthritis and more
That he wouldn’t quiet till stone cold dead

The Fake God wanted 2 more closers
Get Red and the Arab to do it
Brian wants more experience for the job

Then he’ll be closer, TL then OM
And be called the False God 2
Hunting more skills success but not cash
Brian knew these were different times

Even if he wouldn’t live forever
This was his time and moment
He was humbly enjoying it

The call centre rep/was branded on his top arm/it hurt for six months

Follow That
The Fake God casts his spell
He holds the reps in his gaze
They know he has something
A certain type of quality
An ability to do things
To get results and sales
Nobody managed to emulate this
Not his lapdog with a higher position than chair
There’s something about the Fake God
He said his boss and another manager
All with backgrounds in sales
Had different energy are just different
That’s what two decades in sales does
How many of the reps will equal that?

Snake Oil Seller
The magic number is 4 explained the sup
Whose position was higher than his chair
Just add these users to pay a lower connection fee
His word roll off his tongue like oil off a duck
Does the customer know what a snake the sup is?
Already he knows what to spend the cash on
It’s his party trick adding extra users
Get 3 physical phones and 3 virtual ones
And save 20 bucks on the hook up charge
Then pay 120 a month for 4 extra phones
Which are totally not needed with 4 numbers
The business has only 2 workers not 6
This snake of a TL has already been reported
Will this result in further escalations?
The crooked sup is too powerful to flinch
Nothing scares him and he is skilled
A nice guy snake selling snake oil
How far will he fall off his chair?

Things Change
Because a rep in the BPO becomes a supervisor then manager
This doesn’t give them the right to belittle other support and reps
Especially bullying and using bad words or snide comments
This upsets agents and makes them feel bad and perform worse
Plus it alienates them from the support and makes them look bad
In front of the entire team and often call centre which is bad
Respect lost in a minute often never to return or returning forced
Call centres are hire and fire them with egotistical bosses
Reps soon learn not to care less and hop to other centres
Brian saw this and experienced it putting his experiences down
So others can read learn understand call centre work
It’s not all bad but nor is it perfect and there’s much to say
Like any other industry there are good and bad points
Only by speaking out and education will things change

28 Users
It was only the 2nd work day of the month
He had exceeded the monthly sales targets
In just 2 days it broke all records
He got a 3 user sale on day 1
And on day 2 he got a 25 user sale!
The biggest user count in the account
It was like is this real?
Now he wanted more success...

Metallica Calls
The guy listens to Metallica online while taking calls off customers
His TL knows of this and lets him do it for the rep gets good sales
Each and every day 4 or more sales earning a nice incentive
Rewards and Recognition days are a breeze he sells the items
Coffee makers toasters microwaves rice cookers fridges etc
He could have his own kitchen wares distribution company
All due to top metrix while listening to Metallica online

Mr Fix It
The agent sneezed
Another f*cking head cold!
Which **** did he catch it off?
He'd give them their virus back 3x!
Make sure they suffer call it karma
Now he was taking calls in a mask
His voice was muffled and he was irate
Irate agent irate customers wanting help
With their Twinstar electric heaters
Tech support was such fun they said
The customers were American and lazy
Instead of fixing it themselves
They called Tech Support in the manual
He was paid to be chatty and Mr Fix It
Mostly he did ok but now he was mad
His cold clogged his throat and nose
The mask stopped him being clear
It was the perfect ******* storm!
The customers knew it from the get-go
He tried to help but that was it
'TL I'm not well I took my meds.
I'm going home I can't do my shift..."
He was sent home to rest
He only did 3 hours of his shift
And he hated the account
Should he quit entirely?

Like A Book
See how the Fake God and his Wallflower
Sit next to one another at the work’s Xmas party
We all know what comes next later after food
And plenty to drink they honour the tradition
******* till they can’t ***** no more
She likes empowered managers and he likes her
She said to a rep it was his first time joining them all
Yes as he picks the rival account but it’s Xmas
And he wanted to take notes and document
All what goes on for posterity and all that
Managers and the gals they attract
It’s all scripted and never changes
The rep knows the *** will be good
And equally scripted almost like a story
That he wrote long ago guy and gal
Fake God and Wallflower going at it
You know how it is just like a book
Always the same year in year out
As in Bangkok as in Manila

****** Earphones
The black earphones were made in Red China by CCP turtles
They worked for a year giving reasonably good sound
Then the right side stopped working it was totally dead
It was out of guarantee just over one year old
The left side still worked fine with clear sound
That was fine if you were ok with it that way
He wasn’t ok with that not at all he cursed their crap
Nowt but mass produced junk made by slave labour
He listened to three songs tried messing with it
Unplugging them bending the wire increasing the volume
He looked at the wire it appeared fine so what was it?
What exactly was the motherf*cking problem!
His white earphones would do the job he swapped them
Tried a song full volume the sound was at both ears
These had something wrong the frequency range was off!
No vocals came thru just a mass of static with bass
Back to his other black pair he’d listen with his left ear
It was better than garbled sound of no music at all
Both pairs made in Red China by CCP turtles

Same Song
The song is the same on this account
Quite similar to the song on your account
Our beat is different you’ve more bass
The words are the same you relate
A song about a job where all isn’t fine
It was at first then it changed
The reasons don’t matter what does
Is the fact you get it my feelings
My sentiment to the bosses
Who treat us like cannon fodder
Food for the gun cash in his wallet
Way it is in a call centre high attrition
Accounts pull out others get added
Be flexible we are told time and again
Yet dealing with ******* is the same
Different account different date
Same old bosses same excuses
We’ve heard it all before!

Now Different

He once wondered if there was a rep

Who actually wore different coloured footwear?

He wondered this for years a stupid thought

And then there he was a rep in different shoes!

The rep appeared to be a narcissist by image

With one arm fully tattooed and tied back hair

An air of importance surrounded him

He wasn't a manager or boss just a rep

Not necessarily bad or arrogant he was just

Full of self-importance and something else

None of that mattered right now to Brian

What did were the different coloured pumps

One was bright yellow the other was red

Both were the same type of trainers

Not the same pair but the same make

He'd obviously swapped them around

It was the second time he saw him

And each time the rep had worn opposites

He had a quirky thing for opposite shoes

He decided he would write this poem

To remember just another rep now different

19/31
Everybody knew what they both did
After the Xmas party a lot of rumpy pumpy!
The mid-size 31 year old female
And the 19 year old male getting it on
The lad has a galfriend and new baby
But still grinded the older chick
People told me of this and what joy!
They went to a hotel after the drinking
And ******* like rabbits oh illicit heaven!
It was a small Pattaya call centre with 15 workers
All knew and pretended it never happened
The gal flirted with me weeks later
When we all ate out at a fish resto
I fed on meat a different kind that she did!
Was I right now to **** her myself?
I wonder how she'd enjoy me
Would I be better or worse than him?
Captured for posterity in this poem
Does he still want her or msg her
And did they ever do it again?

Tea Biscuits
The call centre rep turned the gal's life upside down
She was state apparatus gal married to a serving cop
The rep was a historical Soviet communist
He called the gal to see how she was his calls were ignored
It came out she fled to her relative away from the city
6 months pregnant by the red rep plus 3 kids with the cop
His calls and texts went thru to the cop did he know who was calling?
The rep the cop threatened to shoot dead for grinding his ex
Now with a lizard in her big fat belly a baby red ****** nipper
How this would enrage the cop who wants to get even and more
How will this all end best friends’ tea and biscuits?
The state apparatus gal with a lizard by a communist agent

Easy NTEs
NTEs were issued like candy to kids
Given to low performing reps
Who has bad metrix like no sales
Plus time keeping or tardiness
All accepted them without issue
Writing why on the back
Part of the BPO experience
An easy way out if need be

Times Over
The Fake God gloated and said
'Hey mate I win this round and for good'
He nodded and replied yes you win here
But not for good tho I'll accept the NTE
No disputes as numbers don't lie
Yes boss I know I failed in sales
Do what you will transfer or fire me
I'll transfer you to collections
Brian went on to say why did you
Follow me four times over Asia?
I worked in Bangkok and Manila
In Pattaya and San Fernando
You stalked me the same companies
I'd get it if we were pals
You're a fair boss but not my friend
Excellent at sales better than me
Yet you scammed one time and was
Booted out on the B2B account
I went to Bankgok you followed me!
Brought your Wallflower along
It's fine I ignored you both and now
I listen to your whys on my sales
I'm not as good as you tho did ok boss
I did my best and that's fine for me
Now you transfer me to collections
Normally that would be fine
It's not now and I'll tell you why
Fake God looked surprised
He was to the point
My Time in Asia and the BPO is over
I'm off back to Germany and elsewhere
Thanx for the B2B experiences
No more calls I'm outa here
Have a nice life boss!

Lick Not Bite
Where is the sale?
Hiding in the sky
Quick reach up
Get the sale now!
Poor agents no sale
Time for a meeting
Then coaching session
And call monitoring
Are they following?
Teach them then
Spoon feed them
So they get more sales
Aren’t outlying agents
With 0 or just 1 sale
With 7 or 8 or more
Poor little reps
Always stressed on calls
Pushed to extremes
Sales account joy!

NTE Yourself!
NTEs were given out each month
To the reps with low or no sales
In time there were no reps on the account
The Fake God was left alone
Just him and his support to call
They each wanted two fifty k a month
To do the work of ten reps
It was physically impossible
But they went for it and failed
Would they give NTEs to themselves?

Reference Dept
The recruitment dept
Gave him a job
Ok great he was hired
He passed training
Went thru nesting
Into production
But was still texted
By recruitment who wanted
Five more references
Along with the twenty six
He’d already given them!
Now that was annoying
He had worked there
Seven weeks and still
They pestered him for references
Make them answer their phones
That’s not my problem
Why do you need more?
I gave you dozens of references
And you hired me weeks ago
Go and annoy someone else!

Big Fat 0
The rep ended the year with 0 sales
There were 10 selling reps in total
9 got sales and 1 didn’t get any
The other 9 got between 1 and 11
Number 10 rep was pegged at 0
He got 7 sales in October
And 5 in November but before then
Both August and September were 0
Why are the rep’s sales up and down?
He doesn’t know and does his best
He would have 2 or 3 but they VT failed
Verification Team issues out of his hands
He will try to close his Dec ones in Jan
He’s determined never to be bottom with 0 again

Chalk Times
The reps wondered what the chalk marks were in the office
On a couple of work stations in the coaching office
On the managers desk in the sleeping quarters
In the rest room by the gym area and other places
It was where their randy coach had bonked 3 other agents!

There flew the **** bomber low over a town
The front gunner shot at people he spotted
Short random bursts zipping out mostly missing
Bullets bouncing off roads houses walls
Some thudding into people quite lethally
Nobody shoots back this raider has surprise
And speed with daring to keep him safe
Plus eight guns to shoot if intercepted
The English fighters are always hungry
To nail a *** especially one aggressive like this
The Dornier zooms here and there gunning away
Having already dropped his bombs on target
A mid-sized engineering factory making items
For the war effort which killed German troops
It was now time to expend some bullets
Do some more killing on English targets
A grandmother was a target as was a postman
The Dornier curved round and headed for home
His ammo half expanded he continued
Roaring over rooftops a hundred feet up
His nose gun and other guns spit forth death
This was only one **** plane what of a hundred?

Managers’ Monday
The agents dial the leads and opportunities to try to get sales
One rep has 77 manual dials and no more
Another had 47 manual dials plus 340 outbound dials
Others have similar numbers none under 200
The 88 rep got beasted off his sup for laziness
And was made to promise to step up and do more calls
Each agent had to count then report the call numbers
The TL added them to a data sheet to review
And pass it to the Managers who managed all this crap
Their TL had to explain the discrepancy in call numbers
Each agent knew it was a futile childish process
The bosses all had access to the agents’ diallers  
All they had to do was filter and tally the calls
The agents grumbled it was a stupid pointless act
Did they know the bosses were testing them?
To see how they would react under pressure
And having to deal with stupid pointless orders
Which were all recorded real time on the system?
The bosses liked games and numbers so were fine
With this little exercise that highlighted one lazy rep
He would be triple beasted and fired if he did it again
It was Managers’ Monday and all deliberate

Let Me Out!
The Spanish were upset
An oil tanker sank a mile offshore
The water was a mile deep
Yet the tide would carry the oil
Ashore so it would ruin the beaches
**** the fish eradicate the birds
Blacken swimmers poison the sea
Turn the sand to asphalt
Do a hundred other evil things
Blame the typhoon blame the captain
Blame all things but it’s clear
The ship is no longer afloat
It’s at the bottom of the sea
All that juicy engine oil waiting
To escape to poison all things
Let me out let me out let me out!

Those Risks
They say soccer is a dangerous game to play
And yes there are risks when you join a team
All hustle and bustle score the winning goal!

You can be knocked unconscious
You can swallow your tongue
You can break a leg
You can have a heart attack
You can be killed by rocket attack

Yes there are risks yet winning is worth it
Would you take a risk and play soccer?

Reduce It
Expand the size of it
What you ask?
The cash in your wallet
Your **** size
The engine in your car
Your ego size
The number of galfriends
Your apartment size
The type of motorcycles
Your lifetime
All this and more
You want extending
I’ll tell you this
We’ll do the opposite
Reduce it all!

Dud Bomb!
The worker was moved from the explosive mixing shop
Into the bomb assembly shop to see if he could manage
Explosive mixing was a fine art like producing wine
He used the wrong ingredients twice and was out
Given a last chance in the assembly shop
The most important job in the entire bomb factory
Ordnance production was hard difficult work
Not every worker could manage under pressure
Yet keep the error free high skill level alive
The batch of explosive he made still worked
It went bang but at only 50% of its potential
When a bomb exploded it needed full yield
Faulty weapons could cost the Allies the war
If the worker had no issues assembling bombs
Things were back on track for war production
If he proved incompetent he was drafted
Into the infantry where the action would be hot!

Power Mad
The power mad manager threatened to fire the worker
Who made a customer’s account so he could get the sale
This never happened for the manager saw it happen
Cancelled the new account almost fired the worker
Never said well done for using initiative or adeptness
He was power tripping made an example of him
Nobody will create a new account without my Yes!
Even if it slows the sales process down to half
I will make the account send me the details
I hope you all learned a lesson here or else
Lose your jobs for I’m in charge ok?

Third Scam
A Top 5 publisher offered the writer a deal
He felt like he was cloud walking
Just for a few minutes till he found it
The part that said the writer had to pay
For his book to be published
This broke his set in stone rule
NEVER PAY TO BE PUBLISHED
Not in a competition or publisher
He asked his top level pro contacts
They advised what he felt in his gut
This is a well dressed up scam!
The third he’d been sent
He would get a real book deal
It took skill and hard work
That’s what made luck