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xmelancholix May 2017
my body is suffering a battle between the destruction
from my brain and the creation from my hands
the winner constantly balanced in a tie
and my weak hands rip through the translation of
my creation that my brain fought over.
xmelancholix May 2017
xmelancholix May 2017
sketchbooks are supposed to be for sketching,
but sometimes my thoughts come out in words or color.the shapes in my mind don't form worldly things and my brain can't comprehend itself.I am a dormant volcano full of anxiety and too much love for this world.I find comfort in the nothing that consumes me, for that it all I am.Dust, an insignificant particle in the eyelashes of society,I still pity myself and hope I disturb a tear just for my sorry existence, but it dries up in the barren desert of lies being fed to the masses.Sick of the monsters within. It's 1AM now and I’m the only one with a conscious thought of blood staining my veins with life. Oxygenated life.Held by the elements that we hold inside of us.I yearn for the release of sleep that will slingshot me around the sun again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, until the earth's pulse flatlines, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, until we are destroyed by creation, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, life to death, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, until death yields to creation, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again until it all stops….
first page
xmelancholix Apr 2018
i have no sort of remedy in me to relieve this madness i’ve created. my existence contributes nothing to the prosperity of the human condition. my spirit breeds discord and torture to the one i love most and that alone tosses me further into this abyss of self-loathing and deceit. i have nothing but “i’m sorry” to offer. i am utterly useless to this bustling globe
i told myself i wasn’t going to write anymore but i need to figure this out. i’m sorry
xmelancholix May 2017
The burning sensation after a kiss,
Pretty sure the burning isn’t supposed to hurt.

Please lend me your ear.

A gut feeling overthrowing my heart with its sour acid
A lurking anxiety attack at every moment our eyes meet

Please lend me your ear.

The anxiety attack blurring vision and lungs,.
The autopilot with no training.

Please lend me your ear.

A forced embrace, at the expense of my weakness to tell you we should have been over.
An uncomfortable exchange of false love

Lend me your ear

You’ll never know the pain of a forced lie
An unspoken truth chaining me to the edge of a cliff called insanity.

Lend me your ear

For it’s your ignorance keeping me from jumping.
to my ex
xmelancholix May 2017
I’m not sure if it’s a coincidence yet, but three hours after we ended our conversation at midnight, exactly 6 months from the last day I saw you. We were so naive and and and now, 6 months ago I should have kissed you. Maybe my feelings were rectified in the sirens for the tornado and the rain approaching my house. My heart was racing as I headed toward the basement, but not from eye contact, or physical contact, please let me touch her. I’m shaking from the detox of a love unlike myself. I’m not myself. and ****, I walked past a mirror and took a glance but the crazed animal looked back and I stopped breathing. It’s not me, It’s not me, GOD IT’S PROBABLY ME! So Jesus our Savior, let me drown in the fire, **** it. if i can’t have her and if I can’t have love, let the tornado consume me and her so I may have my heart race for a good reason one last time before I **** myself so I can actually die and stay dead rather than live on without a single ******* emotion in my head. **** this life, it’s been too long since I’ve seen her. and my eyes have lost their glow. How am I supposed to live with the storm within the animal I hold in my heart?
i was just questioning life
xmelancholix May 2017
sitting in the backseat watching their love.
I stared into the stars and they stared at the road or at each other.
the Lumineers CD,
I wanted to sing along but
I didn’t want to sever the thread of silence and comfort tying them together.
As I watched her lean and put her head on his shoulder and he put his hand on her arm
I realized I missed R so much more than what I thought.
I wanted what they have.
what a gift… taken for granted most times I think.
I laughed a little to myself when we were on the freeway and knowing that I was
fifteen minutes from your house and my heart
knew that we couldn’t stop.
I stared at the infinity wishing it could be as little as the space
they had between them in the driver’s and the passenger's seat
so when her and I kissed into infinity we could be together.
Sunsets can only be so long when you’re alone and in love. I’m reminded
of that almost every night.
and then her letter came.
I cried and held it and read it like the treasure it is and imagined what it’d be like to be
next to her sleeping and our cat
meowing like crazy because she sure as hell is not going to feed it.
xmelancholix Mar 2018
there are streets where trees flank us as we walk along the side
chilly nights
pre-tornado skies
face between my thighs


there are rooms where we get to be ourselves
where you get to be loud and
i get to be quiet
lavender/ pink lights

clothes tossed aside
right side out,
for now

soon we will live on a street where there will be
chilly nights
and noise of any kind
clothes tossed aside
and living in the skies of
each others mind.

for life.
until we die.
what i want most is you
xmelancholix Sep 2018
I saw you liked an insta post on
something that I might have done long ago
and you even commented on it and now I don't know
if you're annoyed with me or if you want me to go
but I'm already far away and each and every day
I've been staring at the wall for all the hours I'm awake
you're occupied with your school work
trying to pass the time
and I can't even write you a song because my
poems rarely rhyme.
I keep wondering if I did something to make you not like me
but it's kinda hard to **** things up when all I do is sleep.
I know it's my anxiety that makes me feel like this
but just this afternoon I wrote a paper about your kiss
it's probably a ******* that never could compare to
the way you make me feel, I could never even dare
to try to put exactly what you mean to me into words
and I'm sorry that I'm paranoid
I think I'm getting worse.
I feel really ill
xmelancholix Jul 2017
boys with big hands to hold me or a guitar.
to reach around my waist or to caress the keys of a piano.
quiet, soft spoken deep voiced boys with a celestial moan saved in their chest
and the warmest timbre when they say my name.
a boy with an ear to my chest and a hand on my thigh to tap the beat of my heart on chilly summer afternoons.
a boy like mine
xmelancholix May 2017
It pains me sometimes when I’m hurt + it’s raining + I need the sound to wash away my sorrow.
BUT MY WALLS ARE BUILT A LITTLE TOO THICK for the noise to enter and for my thoughts to escape. And I’ve been trying to break them down but I don’t wanna fall to my death. But maybe, I do. Because maybe then, I’d felt something other than you.  And it’ll probably hurt less than the state we left in. But that’s okay,someday I’ll have a reason to laugh + smile again, and I’ll build myself a house with windows for walls so the rain can leave a white noise to wash you away.
xmelancholix May 2017
I want you to know I got home from work and I saw your house had a ton of cars out front.And I wondered about the last time I'd see your (her) car up front. Or the last time I'll feel your sadness. or the last time. but you are not yourself, you see. You're a slave to it. You're entranced by the euphoria of the past. You hate being alone. so much that you leave your friends for a little lingering feeling of love. A memory.  Pictures last longer and you have plenty of those. I made a copy of a poem for you that you may or may not have read. I realized my hand was stuck in the printer. whoops. I know you probably didn't read it or ever will read it. or this. but I have one question,

when are you going to become yourself again?
I don't know how long it's been since you've talked to or even met yourself as yourself. And I think I could've introduced you but I'm gone and you're farther away.
and I want to make myself throw up so you can actually see how ******* sick i am of your *******. I want to have a conversation in person so you have to see me as real. Not a picture-less "helena" or perhaps, now an email.
so you'd have to tell me why.
I need you to tell me why.
I think you owe me that.
you owe yourself that.
if you see this you should text me or at least say hi. I miss you and you're about to be gone and I don't even know if you wanna talk but at this point I don't give a ****. Start living for yourself and come ******* talk to me. Get busy living or get busy dying. Stop wallowing and live. It's not that ******* bad. Also, I have your grad gift done so I need to know where I can put it.
xmelancholix Apr 2017

to my dear heart.
    Are you still there? I do miss you so very much. this vacancy hasn’t been taken and I’m not looking to fill it with anyone else’s. (but if we’re being real, who would want to give me their heart anyway, I’d probably break it)

to my love.
    where did you go? it’s so very cold without you. I don’t seem to feel as much anymore and I’m yearning for a feeling. something. (other than this superglue sadness) I still don’t know how to get this sadness off my shoulder, you were the one that always helped. Please come back. (being honest, i miss you more than the others)

to the glimmer behind my eyes.

    what killed you? was it that illogical mess that controls the rest of you. was it that demon named anxiety feasting away in the night that kept your eyes glued to the ceiling where light never crept. (but let’s be logical. you have the light unless it it’s the sun’s first or last breath, and you can’t bear that anymore either)

to my brain.

what the **** are you doing? I know you’re bad with chemistry, but please figure out the imbalances. it’s too much of something or not enough of another and it’s getting me more and more ****** up everyday. I’m not suppose to be this sad, do you know that?
I’m not supposed to be this sad.
there’s no reason (though, sadness is your muse and she is the most beautiful disaster)

to myself- as a whole entity.

    I hope you know it’ll be okay at some point. I hope you find some source of happiness, love, warmth. I hope you find that someone that __________.

to death.

    this tunnel is too long to have no light at the end.
this is a really personal one ... i think the prompt as mentioned in the title of my poem is a good writing exercise
xmelancholix Feb 2018
let me begin by saying what i feel i can't (not allowed) to say enough
(for fear of sounding forced and polite)

i am sorry

allow me to go on, please don't quit here.

let me continue with saying what i feel i should
(for fear of losing you)

i am going to choose to use my words more wisely,   now .

"i spoke to you in cautious tones"
something i have not, something i will

i thought i was the one with the roses, picking at the thorns.
i was giving you thornless roses, i suppose, because i didn't want you to get hurt by them.
i want to see the thorns as truths and yet i gave these, thornless.

"and if my silence made you leave"
that is my own mistake. that is my worst.
my silence = keeping you in the dark
(̶t̶h̶e̶y̶ ̶s̶h̶o̶u̶l̶d̶ ̶n̶o̶t̶ ̶b̶e̶ ̶s̶y̶n̶o̶n̶y̶m̶o̶u̶s̶)̶ ̶
i have made them synonymous.

i'm sorry.
please let me continue.

"and so it goes"
as my y-turn in the snow
i left you in the cold
to ponder
with your eyes c̶l̶o̶s̶e̶d̶  open
( i know you won't sleep tonight,
i'm sorry)

"and that is why my eyes are closed"
they are mine and you are what is s̶e̶e̶n̶  seeing

"you're the only one who knows"
more than me.
more than i.
you've always been right in opening my eyes.

"and still i feel i've said too much"
something i can not claim.
i am too careless with my words
and i've dropped my thorns
through the meadow and now you follow the trail and
piece me together
without me knowing that i've lost anything.

i am sorry
it's not okay
you've forgiven me, i suppose.

"in every heart there is a room"
and i feel i've left yours empty.

i want to fill it.

"so i will share this room with you"
as i want to
as you'd like me to (as i selfishly assume)

"but you can make decisions too"
as you do, you don't need me to say you can.
you've always known that.

"and so it goes"
i don't even know how to begin to apologize in a manner good enough for what you deserve (b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ ̶t̶h̶a̶n̶ ̶m̶e̶) better than i. i'm sorry.

if it makes a difference, i love you
i want that tattoo
things have changed and i'm sorry that it seems the way it does.
and i'm glad you told me
i'd rather share and get better than hide and cause stress.
i've caused too much for you.
i want to do better
tell me how to be better ,
for you.
i want you forever and i know now.
and now might not be enough because the past was so uncertain
yet the future seems so different than what i thought, previously.
i don't even know if you'll see this.
i'm sorry
xmelancholix Apr 2017
The sun is much colder when you’re alone but the moonlight is warm at the end of the day when my bones creak from exhaustion.
Human interaction wears me out and I can’t hear myself over others. I want to ******* smash my head against the wall and no one leaves me alone I just want the and no one else at this. I take my time to recharge alone because I haven't taken time for myself yet today.
xmelancholix Sep 2017
driving late night
moon low, lookin like a street light
slow down, got some red lights
caterpillars growing up and startin to take flight
hand on your hand got me feelin right
and god, the feelins so ****** tight
thinking about your lips how i bite
when we're drivin late night.

and you've got this glow.
this halo
around you.
and my eyes should be on the road
but god knows, I can't control myself.
like wanting to taste the lemon
when i've got theses cuts on my tongue.
like gasping for air
when the room feels too tight
and all these ****** feelings
and we're just
driving late night
i wrote this in my head while driving my love around late at night until the early morning.
xmelancholix May 2017
I need someone to write me.

I know that it seems mad, but I’ve written her into my memory a thousand different ways and I never got the stain she left on my heart just right. at least I’ll just know that she's better than all those mindless love driven ramblings. No, I need someone to write me so I can see what i meant to them.

it’s not that hard to do i think.

a sentence,
a word,
a breath.
GIVE ME ANYTHING that strikes you as me.
a sense of purpose so i can believe in my life again. ive been trying to write myself but the **** pencil  
keeps breaking and i'm shaking too much from those pills taunting me from my desk drawer.

WRITE ME NOW,      i beg.
it seems the trees are my only friend and even those are dying. i can but belting loved by myself isn't enough
and these demons are getting stronger
another ex thing...
xmelancholix May 2017
the amount of awkward it is when you have a direct view of the one you betrayed at the one you lied to. don't ask me which one's which. They're the same. I can see you watching me and when my eyes dart in your direction you turn your head away. I know you're looking at her too. We will embark on a forced journey where conversation turns inevitable. I know you're anxious and your lies have separated from your brain and infested your consciousness. I know you never intended for it to happen, but love is weird that way
xmelancholix May 2017
I want rainy morning naps in sweaters and blankets. I want clumsy kisses in the doorway. I want a warmth from my chest and a happiness that radiates love. I want fingertips on the ridge of my back. I want that feeling in my veins. I want sunset kisses and long drives. I want a balance of love. I want hugs that tumble to the floor and laughing streaks under the covers. i want lips on my neck. I want love in my veins. I need someone..
xmelancholix May 2017
Here's to the kids that find their breath in the wind
find their purpose in the sky
their friends in the sunset
their strength in the sunrise.
Here's to the kids with the glimmer in their eyes
the strength of Orion in their core.
A lion's roar behind their faintest whispers.
Their comforting hug when the moon is an only witness.
Here's to the kids that are the galaxy they inhabit
and watch the sunset from the front line of the battle in their mind.
xmelancholix Oct 2017
how does it feel?
to be as beautiful as you.
I'm counting the folds in your sweater on your arm.
The moon is full and you never look at me, I'm too busy counting the folds in your hand as it grips itself.
The moon is full and you never look at me.
My fingers hover over the fold in your sweater-
how does it feel?
being a silent film masterpiece, yet
never letting your eyes speak. you never
looked at me or kissed me quite as hard.
how does it feel being loved as much as you are?
idk.... a night.. 100417
xmelancholix Aug 2017
I wanted to fix things but all my change fell out of my pocket and I have nothing else to give away, I guess i'll have to stay the same
xmelancholix May 2017
Muscles ache,
another night kicking myself over
something I said.
or should have.
Anxiety eating at the marrow of my bone,
my blood slows.
To see your face again would be a
happy torture to my dying heart.

A few pulses from the shock,
an emotional AED
fusing life into my small vessel.

The candle of light in my lungs getting too smoky for themselves.

My brain like a time bomb
ticking with thoughts of deprivation
just seconds from explosion.

My body is a sinking ship,
but the captain no longer lives in my skull.
formerly titled "emotions saver"
xmelancholix May 2017
eventually, we will find out that we did not take enough pictures to last those six months…
we will discover that exhausting those few that we had together will hurt a little more than not taking any.
when we've fought enough over words that could not be resolved over airwaves one hundred miles apart, and could have been stopped from rolling off your tongue by taking them into mine and when the comfort of passion can calm my nerves is when the pictures will mean something again.
the exhaustion of memories is driving us to meaningless pieces of earth dust and it's polluting our fire souls to the precipice of insanity.
xmelancholix Apr 2017
i feel very extra sometimes…
    i feel very used sometimes…

            i feel like a dandelion when it wears its’ coat of fluff…
    people pick me up and admire then

******* away, forgetting about

me until i plant my seeds for the next bloom…

            more and more and more of me spread,
    too many places i am in now.

i’ve been blown too far, so i cannot
    find myself among the flowers.  i am just

            a **** that only people with childish innocence

    would bother gazing upon and

and i wish that i could just die.
                i feel very extra sometimes
                                and i wither with grief.
xmelancholix May 2017
dark and grey
warm and stale
the air is a rock in my lungs but i’m dressed warm in cotton and leaning against a window.
grey clouds
it’s all grey.
xmelancholix May 2017
It was a snow,
The type of snow that looks like glitter on the pavement.
My arms outstretched in the chilled air, hoping to catch myself.
But I fell ******* the ice, almost as hard as I fell for her.
to my ex
xmelancholix May 2017
the universe shakes me awake with an ache in my chest
and for a moment i think it's just my ribs getting stuck again except
I'm not having trouble breathing
like i sometimes wish

i look in the mirror and know I'm not alone
it's four AM
and not a soul stirs
not even my own
i think that's why my chest hurts

mine's dead
i think
and now the spirit it leaves paints itself gold
stroke by stroke
"FALSEHOODS" i scream in the mirror
"falsehoods" the reflection whispers

and i weep
a broken fragment trying to make itself new and worthy
but what a lie
the lies we tell ourselves
and the lies they tell themselves.
nothing is worthy
but hush, just paint them gold
xmelancholix Jan 2018
how i wish i could take the love i give you and make it visible outside of us so we could enjoy it together and plant it deep in healthy soil and watch it bloom so we both know what is true
xmelancholix May 2017
i've got cobwebs
i've got cobwebs dusted around my soul
of words i'd wished that you'd never told
and i'm tiptoeing around them
like i'm blind and can't see them
because that is the way i know how to love

when jesus saved the men that no one knew
he ignored the cobwebs in their hearts
and he tiptoed around them standing up straight
until they put the cross on his back and let him fall
he tripped on the cobwebs
but that was the way he was made to love

when you left and became a ghost
you'd draped your cremains inside of my soul
and they turned into dust and cobwebs
but i was told that forgetting you was how i should love
xmelancholix May 2017
Sometimes, I escape into a fake place of mind, where for some reason, I associate flying with freedom. but that;s for the birds because if they could speak, I think they’d scream, “Please Father! Let me rest on this earth!” “ Let me rip off my wings and rest like the people do!” and they’d try to let themselves plummet to the ground, but God would catch them with a breath of wind from his lungs, and their wings would catch onto it and they’d be frozen, floating and immaculate, gliding forever. Yet, i sit wishing that I could glide off this earth and take her with me so her feet would never have to touch this wretched dirt anymore.
sometimes, I escape into a fake place in my mind, where, for any reason, I associate flying with freedom. but when solace finds me and looks me in the face to give me my wings, I will scream and cry and gouge out my eyes. because I will not surrender my soul to a place that I am questioning and gives me starry mirror as an answer. to a place where birds are forever doomed to a life of being tired. Just let me escape into that fake place, where for every reason, flying is freedom and where the birds can rest, or please just let me drown.
xmelancholix Apr 2019
theres the static from the heater in the room over
the door is cracked, their door is open.
still open. why tonight?
I'm struck with loneliness and I want things to be the way they used to be.
I yearn to feel friendship.
My radiator hisses and echos.
the hum of outside, low and steady lulling my pulse to slow.
I hear them sing, quiet and melodic to the songs I listen to alone.
I open my door more than the crack, I pretend we are siting together in our silence again,
why was the asking for the cigarette the only thing?
perhaps both of us misunderstood.
perhaps we are both wrong.
or perhaps they don't want to speak to me anymore.
how do I ask for clarification while respecting their space and silence?
it is quiet and lulling and they're still singing.
I don't want to be anywhere anymore
xmelancholix May 2017
Excuse the title
But then again, don't
**** the cliches that my friends told me it wasn't gonna work
**** the 100 miles of **** that made me like this
**** the indescribable pain that mocks me in the early hours between midnight and the sunrise
**** the irreplaceable promises and words I spent on you
**** the ignorant ***** that don't ******* understand me and you
**** my existence for falling for a person that I didn’t even doubt the slightest bit
**** the blinder that my infatuation feasted itself in front of
**** those nights where I cried myself into oblivion over the fear that the trust and love had not been returned
**** the time that those tears meant something
**** the night you told me
**** the promises I made to myself
**** my sexuality
My gender
My body
Leave me the **** alone
I'm too fragile to be ****** with.
I'm never gonna find love because I'm a love sick blind pansexual genderfluid mess that can't see anything and I waste my life on **** that's never gonna work out because I am a stone that had all the jagged edges worn away by her, leaving the gullible curves to be tossed into the river to drown.
But that feeling of breathlessness could never equate to what my lungs did after seeing you
from my identity crisis 2016
xmelancholix May 2017
You say I'm temperamental, but that it's just developmental.
The way my brain claims to be insane,
with a lost else of hope, and a gained sense of pain.
I'm done with that game, I'm done with this ****.
You think I'm an open book, I've had enough of it.
“you're just a teen”, and that “you're as see through as a screen”
and that with gleaming eyes, you've never seen me cry, about the things you'd deny,
because you never even tried.
Just one second blurring by, cutting through time like the cuts on my friends’ wrists.
and yes, that apostrophe goes AFTER the s.
I know my grammar, that's no error.
The blood trickles down and pools in the wells of “get well” cards
next to the hospital bed where she lies.
Drowning her mind, making sheets into tides, and after all this time,
I've left with nothing but this rhyme.
The makeshift raft, crafted by my weary hands
and the salty burn of the liquid now staining my cheeks.
15 years is plenty, thanks.
and, you.  have the audacity to tell me I don’t know **** about this earth.
Well, pardon me, but, I've seen your tomorrow in the eyes of today,
because rising scientists, actors and actresses,
but not enough to stress the BI-ness of those who you thought you knew.
Tell me about the bible, and how,
the binary that sweeps through your Facebook feed,
is touched more than the book you were raised on.
Your hypocrisy is dwindling away,
until the truth will be left.
so, sorry that I'm angry, and
no. I'm not depressed.
Just leave me alone with my loneliness.
Allow me to clean up your mess.
xmelancholix May 2017
so paint me a gold with the richness of his voice
brown like his eyes
he spoke and something moved deep within me
my spine tingled and i shivered.

only his voice could make a shiver warm..
i'm in love with that boy
xmelancholix Jun 2017
his face is so delicate
his cheeks are so ******* red
my love
xmelancholix Apr 2017
there’s a coldness in your eyes
and it’s coming from your heart

I can tell when you hear the songs you feel hollow
the echos of the words bounce around in your bones and
paralyze the warmth of arms

every way out of this is just out of your reach and it’s fading fast
you stretch and kick but it’s too far. the strain is unbearable
you slowly fade into a gray hole.

you’re lost to yourself

you’ve become numb
a slate of nothing

the rain no longer satisfies your feeble body and the unquenchable melancholy death

it’s pulling you deeper in that unforgiving hole
in the deep dark pit of your stomach where love once inhabited

the hurt is you.

you've been overcome and the devil of regrets and all his evil own your broken beaten soul
this was writen while listening to I found by Amber Run. I had a friend that i was watching fall into a pit of depression and despair.. I wasn't abke to talk with them so i wrote this instead.
xmelancholix Jul 2017
I woke up. it was Sunday morning and the air was cool. I wanted to move but the air seemed heavy and soft.
So I laid in bed for a while. I wanted to rest my spine.

the air feels warm as I move into the upstairs living room. I sit in the rocking chair and deep breathe.
I will go downstairs. But I wanted to rest my spine.

I made my way to the stairs when I heard arguing. The kids were in the car and my mom and papa were arguing about something.
I didn't go downstairs, so I sat down and continued to rest my spine.

The door slammed. I got a text from µˆ˚´ . I replied and looked out the window. My mom got out shortly after.
I wanted some coffee while I rested my spine.
my breathing is quiet and deep. my lungs are full of the strange haze and my stomach is aching.
I made some toast with my coffee and sat down at the dining room table,
so I could rest my spine.

The door burst open. I set down my coffee.
my father walked in and the air got slightly colder,
"the family is gone for five minutes and that's when she gets up."
I looked at him and said words. He slammed the door to his bedroom. I sipped my coffee again and held it to feel some semblance of warmth.
I continued to rest my spine.
He came out of his room and slammed his door again. He went through the others to leave and slammed those too.  
He got in his car and left. I watched through the big window and laid down in my chair so he couldn't see me exist.
I rested there with my spine.

I sat up and opened my sketchbook. I was trying to capture a feeling in my spine. I told µˆ˚´ and he replied to say that I should text him when I was done. I told him he was a part of this. I think I captured the feeling in my spine from this strange morning. I'm finishing my coffee as I received another text... "i hope the air give your spine a hint on how to say it"
xmelancholix Jun 2017
i realized that i have the power to take the things that oppose and depress me and banish them after i force them into a physical object into the astral realm.
that being said.

I'm gonna roll up your words real tight and I'm gonna smoke them until I'm high- enough so that I forget what you even said in the first place.

And the smoke will enter my lungs and try to choke me but i don't mind being choked-
and i'll blow out your words real slow until they dissipate.
they'll disappear into the air and though i'll be slowed by a cancerous death, I will have controlled it myself.

in other words,
go **** yourself
xmelancholix May 2017
I remember when you told me.
I had to go back,
reread like I was editing a paper when
your final revision had been made.
My heart fell to the bottom of the ocean that held
the boat we sailed on.
My eyes still remember the salty water over hesitant moons and I
double over.
I crawl to the bathroom and say
“this can’t be true”
Dry heaving my feelings from my stomach and turned
to face a light.
Shield my eyes from the florescent lighting in
the operating room where
you were the surgeon and
I was the patient.
You ripped me one piece by piece but
I was under.
I couldn't see then but the scars from the
stitches made of your words reminded me
of the pain.
The medication, your eyes.
Seen once or twice a week over FaceTime
just enough to ease the hurt until-
the next time we saw each other and
prayed the distance would be removed.
but you didn't like the silence of the space vortex I tried to build around us.
So I kept my feet on the ground.
For you, of course.
xmelancholix Mar 2018
let it take you

i cried on the edge of the bed and you sat there
later taking me into your arms i pushed you away
i felt like i was screaming but i don;t know if you could even hear me
i was screaming on the inside, rather
screaming at myself

you grabbed me and hugged me and i felt on fire and so cold
i didn't feel at all.

let it take you

i couldve controlled myself and deep breathed but i was too
tired to control it so
here we were.
i cant help feeling like i did that to diffuse or if i did that to implode for once in a long while.

i sort of missed the screaming
at least i was honest with myself.

and then you finally reached into the turbulent waters and grabbed me from my sea of grey numbness. i felt warm in the dark and you followed me to the bathroom, i still felt on autopilot and you held me and i felt your chest shake like you were crying
but the lights were off and i couldn't tell.

i never wanted you to have to see me like that but it's happened too many times now and i still feel like im never there for you when you fall .  i want your vulnerbility in front of me so i can show you how much i love you. i want honesty in emotions and i want to know how you feel all of the time
i promise it's not me just being polite.
i want to know you at every second at every time in every feeling you have

your heart was fluttering i could feel it while i was buried in your chest and i wanted you to tell me what you wanted to

i think you sometimes share the feelings that i do but you feel like you have to be strong for me, please
once in a while

let it take you

i'll come in after you
we'll be better because of it and i know this is true
but the way you said i love you when it was through.

i really wanna ******* marry you.
xmelancholix May 2017
the lilacs are bleeding into the color of the sky and I can almost smell the apologetic feel in the atmosphere as you watch from across town and I imagine you whispering "i'm sorry"
whoop sad
xmelancholix May 2017
I fear:
-not being able to give
-being all of a sudden ordinary
-the hours when i’m not with her
-not being enough
-losing her
-the letting go part
-for when she discovers I’m nothing but a skeleton
-a lack of purpose
-exploiting my weaknesses
-the contradicting thoughts that occupy my head some nights
-being anything less than worthy of her love
-being a no one
-being too big for my body
a list
xmelancholix May 2017
I closed up inside.
started forming my armor.
Because when the night rolls around,
I got two things on my mind.
one is itself and the other is my body.
I wish I could tell you which is scarier.
sometimes it's the voices,
sometimes it's the mirror.
neither will help me see any clearer.
So I chain myself up.
inside and out.
I start with my heart, work towards my eyes until I'm blind.
pass the time
till the scars fade off the clock
till the sun rises
till we go around again.
xmelancholix May 2017
broken and beaten, I've been traded.
I never was good at bartering
and I get attached to the hearts I acquire.
Yet I remain EXPENDABLE.
and I don't UNDERSTAND it.
the DRAMA of it all.
I'm tired of being traded as a lesser possession to the
temptations of previous sins.
WHEN can I become the manager of my ****** possessions and
learn to control my heart's quick inspired inevitable failure?
xmelancholix May 2017
prying fingerprints forced a premature, imaginative antidote to a continuing curse.
A false resolve, a childhood story where the grandmother survives and the wolf comes back from a lumberman’s axe and devours the wary child’s faith of happy endings.
I’ve become friends with that wolf, for I fear being alone.
xmelancholix May 2017
my love has me drinking coffee at midnight
my love has me watching the sunset at dawn and the sunrise at nightfall.
he has me biting my own lip when i catch his scent on my sweatshirt.
my love has me crying in airport terminals and my love has me wishing for the sweet release of death where i can be everywhere at once so i’ll never have to leave his side.
my love has me dancing to the wind chimes and talking to my stuffed animals .
my love has me tracing the curve of his lips in the stars

the one that broke my heart has me listening to our songs
the one that broke my heart has me crying in airports and drinking coffee at 3 am wanting to shake to forget the lies.
the one that broke my heart has me curled up on my floor questioning the past 10 months of my life and second guessing those times i almost died.
xmelancholix May 2017
I closed up inside.
started forming my armor.
Because when the night rolls around,
I got two things on my mind.
one is itself and the other is my body.
I wish I could tell you which is scarier.
sometimes it's the voices,
sometimes it's the mirror.
neither will help me see any clearer.
So I chain myself up.
inside and out.
I start with my heart, work towards my eyes until I'm blind.
pass the time
till the scars fade off the clock
till the sun rises
till we go around again.
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