theres the static from the heater in the room over
the door is cracked, their door is open.
still open. why tonight?
I'm struck with loneliness and I want things to be the way they used to be.
I yearn to feel friendship.
My radiator hisses and echos.
the hum of outside, low and steady lulling my pulse to slow.
I hear them sing, quiet and melodic to the songs I listen to alone.
I open my door more than the crack, I pretend we are siting together in our silence again,
why was the asking for the cigarette the only thing?
perhaps both of us misunderstood.
perhaps we are both wrong.
or perhaps they don't want to speak to me anymore.
how do I ask for clarification while respecting their space and silence?
it is quiet and lulling and they're still singing.
I don't want to be anywhere anymore
I swear if I had the chance to be in her body with her head maybe I'd be happy. this comparison is not healthy for me but if I just had her curves and naturally beautiful singing voice then maybe I'd like myself. why can't I be like her. I envy her long blonde hair. I envy being looked at like I'm worth something outside of when one's in the mood to look at me even if for sake of vanity. I envy constant affection. please send me a gm text please. I want to mean something to you . I want to see what you say. that would be so nice
I want to do it.
I want to.
I want to do it slowly, and I want to lie on the ground.
I don't want to get up.
I dialed the hotline again only to hang up.
I know I can't because then you would too.
That would be worse.
Your mom and family.
I'm so far away,
it'd barely make a difference.
Why won't you talk to me like you used to.
I'm beginning to think I'm just some sort of
muse to hurt you in small ways that
turn into big ways to
turn into songs for me to
turn over and listen to
while I want to do it.
I want to.
I want to do it slowly, and lie underground.
I saw you liked an insta post on
something that I might have done long ago
and you even commented on it and now I don't know
if you're annoyed with me or if you want me to go
but I'm already far away and each and every day
I've been staring at the wall for all the hours I'm awake
you're occupied with your school work
trying to pass the time
and I can't even write you a song because my
poems rarely rhyme.
I keep wondering if I did something to make you not like me
but it's kinda hard to **** things up when all I do is sleep.
I know it's my anxiety that makes me feel like this
but just this afternoon I wrote a paper about your kiss
it's probably a ******* that never could compare to
the way you make me feel, I could never even dare
to try to put exactly what you mean to me into words
and I'm sorry that I'm paranoid
I think I'm getting worse.
I feel really ill
I know I said that I wouldn't write too much anymore but now it's all I can drag myself to do.
I almost called the suicide hotline 20 minutes ago because I was sad and the days seem to drag and I try to make myself look happy but I'm so ******* miserable underneath Especially on nights like these.
I sit and I cry and I cry and I cry and nothing helps.
I took a shower so hot that my entire body turned bright red and stood in it until I felt nothing. I picked up a pencil and tried to draw but my hand didn't move and I made eye contact with myself in the mirror and I cried again .
I hate the way I look when I cry, and that made me cry harder.
I want to eat again but that'd be the fourth time today and I'm too afraid to.
The kids across the hall are getting drunk and I can hear them stumbling around and I wonder what it's like to be them right now.
I'm not writing this to get attention, I'm writing this to get it off my chest.
I feel a little bit better now.
I'll be fine tomorrow.