I don't miss you anymore
I miss the daisies that popped up
Wherever we stood
Missing your hair
And all the pictures you sent me
Your gentle hands
In china white gloves
Carefully intertwined with mine
Like I was a piece of art
Like I was something to treasure
Not something to throw away

I miss your voice
Blitzing through that
Samsung cellphone
Timed, late at night
What would you think of me now

Kissing you
Would be a perfect piece of heaven
We have the kind of love angels will cry about
Biblical in nature
Life changing
World turning
You are my bird of paradise
My dove

It’s your lips
And your stomach
And your soft cheeked smile
But it’s your laugh too
So giddy and joyful and carefree
And the way you look at me
The way your eyes flick
To my complexion
Your eyes make me fall in love
Again and again

Laughing and looking and kissing slowly and softly
My darling dearest
I love you so infinitely
Our affection stretches past the stars
Past the bounds of the known universe
Faster than the speed of light, illuminating far away worlds
They will look up
And see a shimmering sky
As we drift through space
Hand in hand
Having forgotten about the rest of the world long ago

Not side by side
But I carry your umbrella to our table
It's a promise you make
Something physical to prove that you won't leave
You won't leave
Not just yet
Maybe we'll still be here in spring
To watch the sunflowers grow
Dark faces turned towards the sun
While we turn our backs
Watch our shadows staining the lawn
I wonder
Will I see that house again
Dark paperwork and cursed words
Wonder if I'll touch your skin
Trace the outlines of your muscles
And make you shiver
Wonder where we go from here

Take a deep breath
Let it out
Look down at your hands
Turn over your palms
Trace those lines
They're real
And you're the only one with them
Whether you believe
In palm reading
Or simple idiosyncrasies
Or the monotonous diversity
Of humanity
You have your own lines
Your own life
And the way you see your friends
Beautiful and wonderful and
Lovely in their flaws
Is how someone sees you
You're astonishing
You're a ******* work of art
Maybe you can't see it yet but
Someday that veil will lift
And you'll see how much you are
You are enough
You are so much more than enough
There's a lifetime in those palms
And it isn't over yet
So take a deep breath
And open your eyes

I want to get tattooed someday
Maybe it's masochism
Maybe it's self love
Covering up my scars or
Painting on my body
Showing myself that I am something that can be beautiful
Skin is canvas
In the sense that it weathers
Changes over time
Bears the cloth of the owner's actions
But it is not canvas
It does not exist solely to be impressed upon
Skin holds the soul
Binds together our flesh and bones
So what if I paint it
Blue and black and bleeding red
A pattern of roses across my chest
It's just another tale
Another consequence of my actions
Stitched into my physicality
Like freckles and moles and stretch marks
If it helps me love myself, then what's the point?

Fingers searching
Probing
At any other point
This would be endearing
But these fingers seek destruction

Every flaw
Every bump and crevice
Is torn away
I wish I could mold myself
Into someone else
But I can't
So I'll tear myself apart instead

I'm not funny
Just pathetic
Curled up in bed
Surrounded by a mess
That sleeping left
Maybe someday
My wardrobe will fall over
And take me out
And we won't have
To do this anymore

Windy November day
Kept inside by the warm embrace
Of heaters
And soft clothes
Scents fill the air
Permeate me
Fill me up
Mushrooms in a sauce pan
Pungent slices of green
Pumpkin
Light a candle to ward off tears
Smoke and steam meet
Like lovers in the air
Warm folds of grey and gold
Wrap up slanted eyes
And silken midnight fur
The gentle thrum of a feline chest
Keeps time with a
Cribbage board
Butter melts
The soft crackle of frying things
The gentle fragrance of tea
Three women together
While winds rage outside
Leaves, stripped from trees
Litter the sodden ground
Rain patters down
Tops of trees dance
But inside
We are warm
And together
And for that, I am thankful

The touch
Of your hand
To your chin
As I watch
It meant nothing
At first
And then I thought
About it
A bit
I looked it up
Online
So thank you
Too
It means a lot

Look at me
I say
Sell me your smile
Take a penny for my thoughts
I have nowhere to go
But here

And you look at me
I haven't danced in so long
But you take my hand anyways
Why?
I don't smile
I have nothing to say to you

As fish swim, birds soar
Lifted up on drafts of hope
Dipping wingtips in sunsets
Clouds are butter
Sliced by talons
He is beautiful
And so is she

Answer the questions
That wallow in my mind
Struggling to raise up
Dead hands clawing through earth
Coming to the tears in my eyes
When you say

We like you
Write more often
Such emotion
I feel your pain
It's beautiful here
Because of you

I’m not saying
That I’m jealous
I just wish
You would look at me
Like you look at her
The way you laugh
And show her your art
And make jokes
That aren’t really fun
That evoke her
Laughter
I would do anything
For that to be me
Sitting side by side
Writing in class
With her looking on
Definitely not jealous

I do love her
Quietly
I wish it had snowed
Out on the roof
So I could've seen the delicate flakes
Land on her eyelashes

So it isn't effortless
I feel like I'm trying
Bumbling blindly
Wondering if she'll still love the real me

Maybe it just takes getting used to
My prom-fueled idealistic
Concept of soulmates
Really has no place
In a world where a small apartment
Is the best I'll ever get
But I fell in love with her
Not the taste of money
A split fast hard crash romance
Is not what I asked for

And if this is what love is like
I could get used to it
I wish I could call her in the morning
Or even better
Wake up next to her
I feel like she'll be the one
The first one I really talk to
About what he did to me
And what I did to him

So if this is what love's like
I don't mind
I'll spend my time with her
Laughing at the cars
That pass on the street
A ****** suburban sun dream
Sitting on a roof with her
Thrift shopping and walking
Hand in hand
Arms around each other in the end
So shameless
So carelessly together
Not afraid of who sees
I know it's what I want
Maybe it's what I need

To feel the sun
On my skin
It's heaven
When the warmth
Of love
Caresses my scalp
I'd die
Gladly
In that moment

But nothing feels as good
As letting go
Knowing that enough
Is enough
Nothing is quite like
That creeping pang
Of hungry guilt
That eats away at
Everything
No amount of sun
Could ever equal
The rain
No amount of
Smiling faces
Could take away
The pain
Of a lonely mind
Nothing parallels
A broken heart
And a broken mind
Nowhere is as home
As the room
With the ragged walls

The mental torture
Struggling to stay
For just one
More day
Crying alone
Muffling the sound
Pressing others away
Pushing myself down
It's hell on earth
It's my great black cloud
My unholy hurricane
My mental rollercoaster
With the wheels
Lit on fire
And the safety bars gone
It's a death trip
But still a trip
And I wouldn't
Have it
Any other way

Sunlight
Faint as ghost feet
Caress my brow
Hold my sleeping form
Dainty dust particles
Are the flies that fill my room

Dead dry earth
No snow, no birds
Just the click, click, click
Of keys and muffled screams
He's swearing now and
I leave
That room is dead to me

Each heart holds a song
The beat of life
Trapped in a vessel
Thump, thump, I sing alone
I am no one's song
I am no one's symphony

Feet move here
Wood cries out
We are alive but this house is not
No words, no love
Just a funeral song

Her eyes will not meet mine
My cold hands cannot touch her
We are all dead now
I wish I had left in November

The rhythmic tapping
Of children's feet
A heart monitor
Flatlining
Pale broken fingers
On deadened keys
A muted buzz
Mosquitoes hum
The bated ticking
Of a car engine sitting
A haunted melody
Of gasping breath
A heart against a ribcage
The crunching of gravel
Cool water trickling
Leaves whispering
A lone voice singing
Blistering wind

More than just sounds
I feel them now
After darkness
Light is more than colour

I see you sometimes
On weekend afternoons
Softly beside me

I love you then
And in the moments in between
Forever in my mind’s eye

I don't expect you
To stay with me forever
No one can promise that

I only want a promise
Of love’s last kiss
Planted on my cheek

In this time
I found you
On the edge of things

What is beyond death
When I don't believe in God
I know my body
Will be buried
Or burned away to nothing
And that's okay
But what happens to me
What happens to the person
Who loves with blue flames
Where does she go
When the sun sets
And all is quiet and calm
If there is a hell
I'm probably headed there
But I don't think
That there is
Perhaps I'll roam the universe
I can touch down on planets
And stars afar
Maybe I'll be reborn
If that's the case
Then end my term
Eternal life on earth
Seems like a chore
I don't want to live forever
I don't want to be here
When nations burn
I refuse to bear witness
To another century turn
And someday I will die
And I am so afraid
To let my conscience go
And fly into the void
Because deep down I know
What happens when we die
We are gone
Like smoke into the night
The thing that makes us human
Is furthest from physical
So when my body dies
My mind won't have
Anywhere to go
I don't want to be snuffed out
Like a burned down candle
And oh I know
That it won't be my choice
Maybe that's why
I've tried to end it all
I want to live
On my own terms
But the world
Has never been under my control
In a world where we die
So my only hope
Is that I can live my life
With the time I have left
But what's the point of living
When we all live to die

I wonder why
Sometimes
Do they still look at me?
Does my sight make them feel
Turn away
Fight sadness and longing

Is love replaced with hatred with nothing at all?
Was it love at all?
Was their mind full of me?
Dark eyes smiling
Cattish mouth in a frown

Mascara stains all of my sheets
They caused it
Close my eyes and tip back
My eyes fill with water
My lungs fill with flames
Nothing can ever mend a broken promise

Their body is nothing but hatred
Their smile is nothing but a lie
Their face is nothing but a mask
They are nothing but a stranger

I must ask
Who poured lead in my bones
Who stitched up my throat
Closed up my old wound
And left it
Rotting and infected
To slowly eat me away

There are a million little things
That I want to say to you
That's you'll always be beautiful
And my heart lights up
Whenever I get a text
Then drops
When it isn't from you
Your music tastes are great
There's someone I think you'd like
But you'll never get to know
Because we don't talk much anyways
I think I'm caught up
In your face
And your smile
It's so cliche but
I haven't felt like this
In a while
You're something I'll always miss
Sweet cherry blossoms
Mixed with a bit of bitterness
There's something we never had
That touch and go
Easily flowing conversation
And I want that
Like I want you
I want you

Written, mostly because
It's all I know
I think about you sometimes
Not as much as I should
If I was really in love
But too much
For me to trick myself into thinking
That I've moved on.

I don't wonder about that night
I know how you feel
But I do wonder what you would think
If I told you that he ***** me
If I told you that my parents
Sent me back to hell
For the things they found under my bed
I feel spacey
Almost as high as Cameron Post
On the night she lost it all
I'm probably just tired
I'm always tired, after all.

We're blasting tunes
From your car radio
Though this night surely
Will end in misery
I'm happy in the moment
With all of my friends

In a coloured world
You're black and white
In this sunny life
You're eternal night

In my course palms
You're silk liquid
In this broken home
You can't fix it

But in my eyes
You're a dancer
And in my mind
You're already mine

Drawing flowers
Foxglove and
Red stained hearts
Bleeding out
On the pavement
Sending kisses
Over the phone
Texting like
Wildflowers
Popping up
In the darkness
Of my mind

I start telling you a story
You break out into song
You say you're not around
Because of that one special person
The one you hate oh so much
Everyone else believes you
Frankly I don't care anymore
You bring me nothing but apathy
I'm tired of getting excited
When you say we should go thrifting
Then we never do
I might care about what you think
If it was more than empty words
Every time you speak it's nothing
Meaningless interrupting
Say whatever you want
I'm not listening anymore

The ride home is cold
I plug in and stare out the window
At the darkening clouds
Gravel crunches and we are
Here
House
Grey and painted with our mistakes
Step outside then back in
Bare feet on the floor
Not happy but comfortable
Unpack mother's things
Fold bags and put pieces in place
No one follows
Peek out the door and
Headlights are still on
A dark mist in the
Driver's seat
Angry
And brooding
Tip toe downstairs
No one is fooled by me
I kiss and tell
As I realight the steps
A door creaks open
I have be caught
I have been found

Flight
Upon a case
Of pure white
Steps
Spiral for miles
Ultimately through darkness
Away from the boxes
Of all things best forgotten
Trials and tribulations
To occupy time
While feet face more steps
In the perilous climb
To the light
Spillage of gold
From the hole
In the ground
Up into a night
A starry ceiling
Black painted sky
With lights trinkling down
This beautiful wallpaper
Of leaves and time

From you to me
There's ten
Or so degrees
You've a high
Of ninety five
While I'm waiting
For seventy three
I miss you more
Than the weather
Man knows
Does Denver forecast
Me thinking of your glow

im sick
blown full of holes then
congested
heat and cold
are my sun and moon
the night and day
a switch flippedv within seconds
the whole nine yards\
but the only yards of mine
are the tendrils of sickness
laid out like racetrack down my tongue
into my inner systems

Maybe someday
I just won't
Think about this
Anymore
Maybe I won't
Think at all
But for now
I'm trapped
As the wisp
It sings
It plucks
At my strings
I'm just
An instrument
Of my own
Torture
And I can't
Bear it
Anymore

I want to lay down
In a bed of flowers
Walk into the woods
Dig into the earth, barefoot
I want to lay down
And see the trees
Reaching out their arms
Sheltering me
Let my body still
Blossoms tickling my cheeks

Rain in a creek
The water's cool but you are warm
Your face is so close to me
From here I can see the world
Libraries and the smell of coffee
Open fields
My feet
High in a tree
Flowers 'round our faces
Lips and kisses and your fingers in me
Us in the stairwell
Of a lonely apartment building
Your nose all pink
While there's snow in my hair
Baking and walks
The making of playlists
The quiet intimacy
Of shared headphones
Igor and Melodrama
Always on repeat
Butterflies and strawberries
Drawings on the fridge
Pinned with funky magnets
Shaped like our inside jokes and dreams
Drawing on sketchpads
Sat on the floor
2 AM and we've never be closer
Waterfalls trickling
A lone fire escape
Sitting together in that night light
I see the whole world
I don't want to leave

And everything will crumble
In the walls of my mind
In the halls of my inner eye
As we bleed out
Perhaps you'll see
How beautiful you are
Compared to everything

Under dramatic
Anticlimactic
Words left unwritten
By long dead hands
And real horrors
Come in dreams
Chase scenes
Creeping things
Without respite
Without avail
Nightmare endings
To day dream prose

I can't stop looking at
Empty photos
And wondering
Why everyone leaves

Birds twittering
I name some
Not all
Yet they are all familiar to me

Squirrels chatter
Small things burst through brush
Fern fronds unfurl
The air smells so new

All windows open
Gazing outside
Taking in the scent of growth
Watching a moth beat against a window

Overcast patches
Knitted with blue sky
Those sporadic rain showers
Followed by little spasms of sun

Everything is green
The forest is coming back to life
A new reincarnation
Of Mother Earth

The streams will sing
The grass will grow
Something shifts
As geese cry overhead

Things keep going
Even if you don't
You might be a fallen empire
But you and your followers
Are the only ones fallen
It sends out an impact
A ripple of emotion
That falls on mostly dead ears
And fades, in the end

Trees still grow in your absence
Kids still go to school
Even when the desk in the back
Right by the window
Is full no more
And the seasons will change
Flowers will bloom and
People will slough off
Their sweaty tee shirts
As your body grows old
Underground and in memory

You are gone but the world goes on
Things keep going

I miss walking to your car
Wildly undressed
For the weather
As always
Yet radiant in the snow
Always scanning the backs of cars
For your Illinois plate
Reminded every time
That you’re a city kid
Probably much too cool for me

You step outside your car
Even though it’s cold
And you’re stepping into slush
The crud that cakes up in the parking lot
I miss seeing your face
That catlike smile
As I speed walk across asphalt
Smiling myself
Hard enough to make my cheeks sore
But there’s not a care in the world
When I crash into your arms

The air is cold but you are warm
My heart gets wrapped up
In a tight cocoon of you
Then we break and you say
We should get in your car
It’s cold and I left my coat again
Then I’m in your passenger seat
You’re offering me matcha candy
Or maybe just looking at me
With those bedroom eyes
Dark behind your glasses
Yet lit up all the same

I miss that sweet first kiss
The soft heat of your lips
Pressed up against mine
Gentle and hungry
A restrained fever of want
Given away by your hand on my cheek
Thumb tracing across my lips when you pull back
Gazing at me like I’m something
To be savored
Cherished and mouthed at
The tender want in your eyes
That I miss
The moment you look away

And we are all
Paper weight pangolins
Endangered
In our own ways

Does it ever seem as though
Something has left you
Alone
To feel no more
As if your bones have slipped out
From beneath your skin
I am troubled

Life is good
With them in tow
Tonight was one of
The best times of my life
I don't regret a thing
I'll never regret a thing

This isn't meant
To reach
Their eyes
Nor am I
It's a little
Late now to
Consider
Common courtesy
I might as
Well speak
I've nothing
To lose
But everything
I failed
At failing
That's the worst
Failure of all
And some
Nights I still
Dream that
I'm back
In that hell
But in my
Mind I stay
Behind and
I never
Let him go
But that's
Not the truth
I don't know
Where he is
Or who I am
Just that
This mind
Is empty
Of everything
In a way
Tormented
By the things
I swore
I watched
Fade
It's hard
To say that
I won't let them
Break me
When all that
I want is to
Break and
Break and
Break
Until I'm
Shattered down
To a piece
Of sand
Waiting for a
Wave to take
Me away
When I think
Of home
I think
Of pain
There's no
House without
Blades
There's no
Love without
Shame
I'm falling
Away
From all
My drawings
Sketching
Of ideas
I once thought
I had
I can barely
Step in
The rightest
Direction
When every
Which way
I am faced
With the same
Mistakes
I keep on
Making
Maybe it's
Fate that I'll
Leave like
They didn't
Maybe it's
Best that I
Bow out now
Maybe it's
Will that I
Throw caution
To the wind
And myself
With it
This life
Is a hell
That doesn't
Mean it
Has to be mine

This is dumb
And I'm jealous
I wish you would leave me alone
I never asked for this
I just want to forget
All the things I never said
And after all this time
After everything you've done
There's this
I wish you wouldn't text me
I left you months ago
Let me move on
I'm tired of this
And you are too
I'm not here for you anymore
And I never will be
I know you have friends
I'm not one of them
So talk to them instead
I'm not interested
In your personal business
I do my best to play the martyr
But even I have limits
This is past pushing it
And I don't want to hear it
I understand
We all have problems
That includes me
You've put me through enough
I'm done with your hypocrisy
And your immaturity
Please just let me start again
I need this
This new existence
And you aren't part of it

You were my teenage love story
The real one
You were my ride or die
My forever and ever
My messy pile of clothes
That drifted into yours
My old sweater
That came down to strings in the end

We were still children, really
Overgrown children still not quite big enough
To fit into these adult clothes
Trying on phrases like "I'll love you forever" and
"I promise I'll never leave"
So excited about the colors
And our feelings bursting forth
That fitting didn't matter

I'm sorry we bought that chair
I know it's burned by now
It went up in a blaze
In your best friend's grandma's backyard
I close my eyes and see the tears on your face
Reflecting the rising ashes and flames
I hope you cursed me

For me to become a distant memory
Some far away faded thing
A leftover pile of string
Is the best fate I can have for you

Our end was abrupt
In the way stories written by a child's hand can be
Trailing on and on and on
A fit of passion
Crazed and somehow beautiful
Trailing off
To
An incomplete ending
An unfinished sen

Can I please just go home?
I don't want to exist anymore.
Everything
Just seems horrible.
I don't want to be here.
I don't want to do this.
I don't want to exist.

Waiting
I swear
There's a clock
In my head
All I can do
Is stare at my face
And wait

The year is 1945
And I exist outside of time
The year is 1989
And I have not a clue why

It's raining outside
Somewhere in the depths
I feel the vibrations
Of raindrops
The plip plop
Of nature's tears

And with them
Come ghost hands
Fingers trailing
Up my sides
Scaling my skin
And then they're gone

Oh, to be alone

I love me
Because I'm weird
And I'm not worried
If they care
If I tease my hair
I'm not alone anymore
I've got my goths
I'm got my needs
And my occasional jocks
I have my emo girlfriend
I have my support
I have music
And I don't have God
And I'll live how I want
So **** them all

I would talk
But there's nothing to say
I would take you
But there's nothing to save