I don't mind
Traffick in the morning
Raindrops blurring
The stop lights
Into technicolour beads
The paper touch
Of the air conditioning
A butterfly kiss
Landing on my cheek

Lovely
Crashing
Colliding
Off the rails and
Into the water

The black
Those depths
Known too well
For such young lungs
Sinking to swim

Kicking
Thrashing
Brought to the surface
By a balloon
You never saw that before

Red and love
Don't rise too high
You aren't a bird
You're a trainwreck
Dying to live

Come now, darling, take my hand
Alight the trampoline
We can do much more than bounce
That much you’ll come to see

We can lie down, side by side
Cool mesh against your face
Talk about life, love, and such
And dream of outer space

See the gleaming morning dew
Smell the morning air
Feel you lying next to me
Not sure if you’re aware

I like to be by your side
I love to see you smile
Lie with me on trampolines
Let’s stay here for a while

I feel all the ways
You look right through me
Hunting so carefully
For the pieces of me
That you want to tease
Never quite responding
I get it, that you don't want me
So just climb through me
Treat me like your trellis
Grow all your beans
And morning glories
Up through the holes
That you've left in me

To Sunglasses
For letting me try them on
$275 and silk pajamas
Apologies
We were never the same
But when we were
We were

To the third eye girl
For opening mine
Letting me into
A world beyond what I see
Showing that there's little
Distance
Between you and me

To my banana nails lover
For being my Jupiter
And letting me be Neptune
For answering my letters
For letting me
Let you go
And not coming back

To Lacy
For being my rock
For not patronizing me
When I cried
Or trying to solve my problems
You were just there
That was enough

To D
For smiling at me
And doing your best
Inspiration
Even when
It wasn't what
I needed

To Cardi B
For trusting me
Your painted toes
And bodycon dresses
You were never my obsession
But you were also fair
I didn't give you credit

To my cowboy
For looking at me
Your silly dance moves
Are engrained in me
Your childish lore
Is nothing
Compared to who you really are

To the ADHD
For befriending me
Laughter and your
Boots on a bike
Riding in sunshine
Forever on my mind
Perfect in my eyes

To Tido
For being the goodest boy
Rollercoaster dives
After footballs
In the the afternoon
Cold and crisp
Alone with you

To Crywolf
For looking at me
Your breathing
In my bedroom
Is never going to fade
And I'm never
Going to stop waiting for you

Long tan legs
Too thick?
Too thin?
Trunks of trees and
Spindles of wildflowers

Curves and contours
Too much or
Not enough?
Trapped in a box
Of a body
While beauty has curves

Suddenly self conscious
Double over
Hands on my skin
Hide me

I'm a two toned picture
One second a lovely
And shapely girl
Then just a box
A shell with too much stomach
And two much thigh
Which is the real me?

I'm so glad to know
That I'm not the only one
With stupid dreams
And social anxiety
It could be you and me
With your umber eyes
And that'd be alright

Will nothing
Be the same
With uncontented
Clouds and
A cat on my lap
Breaking down
The same old way

Your pretty face
And I can't wait
Layered morning sounds
Scenes that come in
Sizes and scents
That dance on my
Skin like fireflies
With wild eyes
That I can't erase
From my deeply
Troubled mind
Inquiring quietly
If there is a time
Of day you take
To think about the
Fleeting things
Of feeling things
You've never felt before

It's hard not
To see my bones and
Wonder
If there is more
Where they came from
Deep down
Beneath my skin
Who knows
How many skeletons
Are buried in my soil

The weather has gone back
To pretending to be a tsunami
And my heads filled up
By all the grey clouds
It's not that bad, though
Because the magnets on my fridge
Keep spelling out love letters
The taps on my wall
Are to the tune of
I'm in love with you
And all the voices in my head
Want me hitched, not dead
The shadow in the corner
Is down on one knee
And the Grim Reaper
Keeps bringing me bouquets
So who needs a girlfriend
When the undead wants me?

Piercing
Shattering
Sapphire doesn't
Come close to touching it
Ice white
Glaciers
Winter skies
Reflected in the ocean
Pale
Frayed threads
On the edge of a sweater
The faintest
Water colour
Dash of night
On a page

I want to be buried
Next to the unmarked grave
In my town's small cemetery
Next to the football stadium
The grave that nobody notices
The grave I sat beside
So many times
The grave I collected flowers for
Not a beautiful bouquet
Bought at a shop
But fallen blossoms
Pale and delicate
That littered the ground
Beneath the flowering trees
I wiped away the moss
And the wind caked dirt
To reveal the slab of stone
The grave that only read
Unnamed

There's no reason for things to be like this
There's no reason that my heart shakes
There's no reason that I feel this way

But there's also no way
For me to push this down
For me to block this out
As much as I hate it
I miss it

And seeing them their
Upstairs
In long pants
And tube socks
And smocks
And just tubes in general
And the new boy
So nice and shy
I can't help but wish
It wasn't always over

There's no reason for things to be like this

Untying my shoes
Is a ritual
Where I bake my cement
And stick my hand in it
Maybe someday
A detective will come
To investigate my death
And find my fingerprints
Trace my blood back
To the bedroom where I sit
Listening to indie music
From my own lungs
Twisted in the sheets
Hanging from the ceiling
Like an athletic
****** angel
And mayhap
If I'm lucky
My body will end up
In some museum
Where lavendar doesn't
Know how to burn
I can read me to sleep
And I'll have witches
In my dreams
They can cast hexes on me
So pedestriannly
I will swing
Like a demon
From your sewing machine
I'll sing at the screening
Like a rogue banshee
When they lay me down
For my eternal sleep
I'll put my fingers up
Just the two
In a farewell salute
Before I'm nailed in
To meet all my new friends
They might eat my eyes
But they're still better than you

I couldn't be less seen
If I was invisible
The air crushes inwards
Like I'm buried under the sea
I'm disassociating slowly
Floating away
Into cyberspace
While people argue semantics
I walk slowly away

Do you remember the time
When you told me that you wanted me to get better
And I told you
That I didn't believe you
We didn't talk for days
And then you walked in
In your ridiculous silk pajamas
To pet a golden retriever
And I said I was sorry
And you said that it was alright
That you meant what you had told me

Deep breaths
In and out
Pushing away
Just about everything
Forget myself
My precious memories
It's better than this
It's better than this

the disconnect between the world as it is and the world as i wish it was is so harsh sometimes.
my head hurts.
my hands tremble.
i can feel a lump in my throat and whether it's tears or puke doesn't really matter anymore.
i want to fade out of existence again.
i'm shaking so badly that i think i might fall apart.
shake out the pins and nails that hold this shoddy framework together.
this shouldn't be a big deal.
this isn't new.

This will be the year
Of all of my mistakes
These walls will fall
With my dignity
I'm a disaster
Exploding in slow motion
Can't make up my mind
Can't make up anything
Crashing like a train
Derailing swiftly
Giving out my number
******* myself
To the whole city
This chaos knows
Nothing of mercy
My blind eyes know
Nothing of the truth
Just this downward spiral
The desecration
Of my troubled youth

Heavy cloud cover
The veil over your eyes
Am I your wedding
Or your funeral

It's a soft whisper in the wind
Longing for a home
That doesn't yet exist
Tracing to myself
A lovely lash of lines
Roots growing out to darker tones
We're growing all the time

Stones in your
Sunshine
Wildfires
On my palms
Burning up
The lines
Of times
I never did
All those clothes
Piling in
Breaking up
Our words with
Mint leaves
And moths
On the ceiling
You're my
Magic eight ball
My stained glass
With glitter
On the rim
My okay
See you
I'll wait
For you
My lovecraft
My darling death
Let me be
Your final
Destination
Your King
To your Queen
We're a
Horrifying
Rhapsody
It's not
All that funny
Let's get married

I can't wait
To be more
Than just a mistake

Waking up
From silent reverie
With twigs
In my hair
Loose jeans
Caked in mud
How long was I
Out of my mind
How can
I go back

I wish to live
Deep below the sea
I'll spend my day
Wandering and search
Exploring different
Water ways
Stopping often
To watch the Drowned
Never speaking
Just existing
Never to be found

I won't show my face
To the light of day
Only surface at night
To let the moon
Bathe my skin
Then dip back under
Legs pumped
Hands thrusting
Swimming on

I'll dance around the coral
Followed by dolphins
Switching in and out
Never alone
Yet never too close
No houses
No belongings
Just ocean
And swimming
Legs pumping
Hands thrusting
Never to be found

I fell in love
With a black bird's wing
Stretched out wide
Bearing the night sky

I fell apart
On a broken sea
Waves of screams
And otherworld things

I fell to my knees
In a green clearing
Lit by all the lights
Of a faerie's sigh

I fell into place
To a mother's cry
Echoing the universe
Giving birth to life

There is a cold tingle upon my spine
Cold hands wrapped around my feet
The sun I see is a harsh line
On wooden panels
Perhaps I should go back to sleep

The clock strikes a weary noon
Silence meets my wake
Eyes open to the same old room
Chained by indifference
Different days spent standing in place

Beneath my sheets I stir and twist
Eyes flicker with dreams
My mind grasps me with an iron fist
Trapping my physical form
And tearing at all of my seams

Asleep next to me
You seem so at peace
Those frowning lips
Finally relaxed
Your forehead
A smooth canvas
Eyelids balanced closed
With steady breath
I know you
Have a boyfriend
But I still love you
From time to time

Turns out that one good week
Was too much for me
But someday, I know
My heart will mend my soul
And I'll be better again

This is only temporary
So I'll leave you to your feelings
And work on being kinder
Open up my eyes and
Wait until you find you

In the end
This is not the end
You're only one bit
And you don't deserve
The things I did
So I'll be quiet
Go back to my old ways
Of dreaming about
What's behind your eyelids

This will end alright
I think
I just feel it

The beginning
Steal my heart
With a single glance
Through space and screen
My one and only

Innocence is replaced with
Devastation
Ravish me
Of my purity
Go away with my childhood

Him
Worms crawl up my skin
The thought of what he did
Smother me
But it was my choice in the end

The storm that wrecked my lungs
Came in November
Severed the cord to my mother
Can't sleep now
There's still an IV somewhere

She came to me
In pocket watches and
Autumn dreams
Soft hair
And a heart that lingers

Quietly, quietly
Crept into her room
Laid beside her sleeping form
Not close enough to steal a kiss
But close enough for both of us

It was easy with them
Picking up our dead
Laying them to rest
The second that they held my hand
Was everything

I crawl
Back into my hole
I was wrong
Don't wake me up
Until November comes

Now there's a boy
On the edge of my vision
Standing on fields
Watching the sun
While I watch him

Scared to love
To let the sun in
But afraid to be alone
There are only so many Novembers
That can come and go

We loved
I loved

You didn't

You're so serious
I can barely read your lips
Never laughing and never ending
Contemplation of everything
I wonder
When you'll laugh
And if it will light
The whole world on fire

Being with you is hard
When I want so much more
And I always go home sad
I wish it wasn't like that

Elated
A light cloud
Rising up
Around you
So clean and pure
See the lack in your face
But I don't care
You are so vivid
Colour seeps into the world
Around you
Just from standing near you
I become colourful too
Like a clean breathe
Of fresh air you cleanse my lungs
Drift away my regrets and fears
Dare me to dream
And I dream
Endless skies and the scent of
Evergreen and the stars
Infinity
Walk alone for miles
Live my life the way I want to
I want to be here again

When will it all
Come crashing down
Around my ****** heels
When will it end
When will I sit
In the hospital again
When will I finally give in
To the nighttime cries
Of demons I try
Not to recognize
When will the light go out
Flicker and melt
To the ground
When will I fall
For the devil I
See in dreams
When will it end
This perfect nightmare
When will too much
Finally become enough
To push me over the edge
When will summer end
When will I end
Again

where are you
where are the questions
is there anyone out there
who doesn't know
what is truly real
perhaps there is
and perhaps there isn't
maybe i'll read a poem someday
a poem that reminds me
of
well

me

but maybe that will just be my own thoughts
reflecting into the ether
either way
i want to know
if there is someone else out there

i have an image
of this world
there are two of us
only two
who exist on the same plane
maybe we all exist
on different planes
maybe we're soulmates
the two of us
alone on this plane
maybe i'll find you someday
and if i don't
then i will know
that i have always been alone

Tired
Of ticking clocks
Taking stock
Of what I've
Fallen to

Seated
By the weary
Windows of light
Breaking up time
With eyes

Danced
All night long
Pretending there
Someone was there
Perfect dreams

Shook
In the morning
Rain pouring
Still no call
I can't stop falling

Breathing out smoke
Into frigid air
Burning scars
Into my skin
Rubbing in the honey
To cement the makes
Staring at the sky
Middle of the night
Tracing constellations
Of words never said
Trying to reach the moon
With a broken pen
These words are meaningless

I met someone today
With cute black clothes
And a long trench coat
We walked to the park
To sit on the swings
We talked as we watched
All the cars in the street
She told me all her stories
Of almost being arrested
For smoking ****
So why does every cute girl
And every edgy guy
Have to get high
And listen to MCR
Where are my preppy goths
My ****** band members
Because I'm just a punk
Who doesn't do drugs
And wants some friends
My parents won't hate

Nothing is really
All that strange
If you think
Too much or
For long enough
If there really is
A great big man
Who lives in
The clouds and
Watches our
Every move
Then why
Is it such a big deal
When people love
Each other
In a way they're
"Not supposed to"
If an immortal
Presence graces
Our every moment
Then why do we
Care if someone
Cuts their hair
When there are
Wars and natural
Disasters why do
We prioritize
Someone's abortion
In the news
Besides, who is
This "God" guy
Why the hell
Should we trust him
He "created" us
But we don't owe
"Him" anything

Will you be my shelter
Will you hold me
During the scariest parts
Of these bad horror movies
Will you let me cry into your chest
Soaking your tee shirt
Staining it with sorrow
Leaving you with a permanent reminder of me
Will you laugh at me
When I do stupid things
Will you let me hug you
Until I feel less numb
Until my mind can feel again
And I start crying again
As the cycle begins

I don't have much to give
But I won't leave you
As long as you hold me
Love you I will

I laughed today
Sin after sin
Watching the bombs fall
Through frosted bathroom glass
Before it exploded inwards
I was okay

The night is thick and heavy
Oppressive on my skin
And there's a whisper in the pine trees
That things will change
Oh things will change

Cold pebbled flesh
Arms raised behind our heads
Coming into a spring
Of our own likeness
Sprouting leaves
Painting over our mistakes in green

The time has come to bury
To count loses and move on
Pave over empty streets
Houses turned to cemeteries
Fill in the cracks
With recycled riches
We call that freedom, don't we

My sweetheart
Black haired tornado
Never thought I'd write again
I've moved on to social commentary
But never on from you
Because you are my escape
At the end of this day
You are the only place I know I feel safe
Sitting here
On this rainy, rainy day
My mind wonders astray
I'm back to you again
Still wondering when

We are the rise and fall of cities
So carelessly demanded
Sheathed by night
Gilded with stars that lend us
The illusion that our world
Is still whole and beautiful

What a cyclical facade
This seems to be
All faded tones of rose and gold
From our first light
To the fall of the last empire
We are but wounds

Was it too much
To think of myself
As beyond physical attraction?
I guess it was.
I'm not in love.

You
Are a light
You shine brighter for me
Than any star in the sky
But I don't even know you
And that's okay

You
I picture you under brilliant skies
The stars on your cheeks
Moons in your eyes
I think of you as Jupiter
But really, you're much more

You
You're an ivy lane
Leading to the future
That I only dreamed of
You're sweet like peaches
And salty as the sea

You
You're perfectly beautiful
Yet so flawed
I love you anyways
No wonder you fit perfectly against me
Like a puzzle piece

I live in a world
Where the mist never burns off
It's okay
I like the rain
And the mystery
Because when the sun shines through
I get to dance like
I've never danced before
Spinning alone in the sunshine
Walking in the cold
Air slips down my throat
Stare out at the mist
And a little sun comes through
I can feel that warmth
I can feel that love
That's why
Take two steps forward when you fall
Not steps anymore
Run
Running for the sun
Longing to dance and be
In my darkest days
I cry and stay awake
All night and I'm
Not thinking of killing myself
I thinking about the sun
How beautiful it is
How I want to see it again
Contrary to your belief
I do not see the world in grey
But in green
And red and orange
And you
In all of your splendor
Could I be so humbled
As to see you again
Do not worry about me
Too young and dumb to die
Too young and dumb to never see the sun
But smart enough to know
That nothing matters
When I'm dancing with you

Have you ever found yourself
In a burning room
Walls marbled by the heat
Eyes stinging
Lungs shrivelling
Full of a fear
You never thought you’d know
And will you move
Crash out a window
Down onto
The dewy grass
Surrounded by shards
Of broken glass
Staring at the sky
With overcast eyes
As the sirens draw nearer
Until the police come
Or will you stay
Will they be too late
As flames lick up your skin
Will they find a body
The body you left behind
When you looked at all your choices
And decided to die

I don't want to be here anymore
I just want to go home
This building is too full
Of half concealed ghosts
I'm tired of dancing
Around the things that truly hurt me
Tired of being scared and numb
Disappearing inside myself
Headphones blasting music
All the things I wish I could say

You're an *******
Why did you have to lie
When you held my hand
Did you know it would end soon
Did you have plans of how to break it to me
Instead of plans to break it to them
Why did you agree to tell our friends
Maybe you knew how they'd react
Maybe you wanted an easy excuse
I don't know
It doesn't add up
Either way
Get ******