Falling apart
At the lightest touch
What happened to those bright eyes
To that midnight sky
That we laid under
Dew collecting around our bodies
As we stared upwards, unafraid
Of that endless scape of stars

But now you're falling apart
At the lightest touch
At the tap of a piano key
The brush of a snowflake
On my cheek
Why are you afraid?
Why are you crying?
Why are you dying?

It's icy cold
Out here in the snow
But I don't mind
I'll bury myself
Before I go back to you

It's not that I don't want to
I do
I want to smother myself
In the warmth of this idea
That I carefully made
And assigned to your face
But I won't

Maybe I'm derelict
And you're lost too
But I don't want you
I know my edging
Is pretty
And the frosted glass
Glimmers when it's dark
But I'm empty
You won't find anything in here
Nothing for you
At least

Cars rumble
I can smell you on the tarmac
Catch me on the breeze
That drifts through the
Open car window
It's too stuffy in here
I'm too busy today
To take my time and
Watch the clouds
Race across the sky
Just as busy as I
We scuttle along
Like ***** in water
And sometimes I wonder
About you
Up in your art room
About graffiti and drugs
On the streets
And their ***** hair
And unreadable eyes
About the cryptids
And cigarettes
Cults in the woods
The filthy scrub
Down by the tracks
That you left in my heart
When I left your constellation
Was I really a part
Of your personal set of stars

Calm and collected
There's a power
To amber evening light
The bearer of night
The songs of birds
Resonating in my bones
Rhythm pulsing
In my soul
Alone has never been
So powerful

Oh darling girl
How I love you so
Your ignorant eyes
Oh how they shine
Your messy hair
Blowing in the wind
With your patchy bangs
Stuck in your face
So full of hopes
Bursting with dreams
Little do you know
They're splitting
All your seams
Your vital lifeline
Only has so
Much time
Someday you will die
And no one
Will remember
Me

Late morning
In a slush of wet snow
The early, indignant barks
Of neighborhood dogs
Fills in the spaces
Between soggy snowflakes

The warmth of the radiator
Settles over me like a wave
A warm wash of lethargy
Over my already tired blankets

I'm so lucky
To have a nerd like him
As my unforgiving
Father

I'm so lucky
To have a doll like her
Laying in my
Lap

I'm so lucky
To have an idiot like me
Living in my
Head

I'm so lucky
To have a world like this
To hold me
Up

No one can fix me
I am not broken
Maybe bent and twisted
Warped beyond all
Hope of recognition
But my matter's the same
Nothing has changed
The same little girl
Who loved leopard print
The same preteen
Who dove in
The deepest end
The same little liar
Who said everything was fine
They share my face
I share their ways
That won't change
Until the day
That I'm lowered down
Laid to rest
Six feet underground
Everyone will
Leave me then

Melancholy
That’s one word for how I feel
Lost,
but peacefully
Drifting in between

My life is a tranquil pond
My lovers are lilies
Soft and fragrantly blooming—

I am adrift
A heady canoe, oarless
Without a passenger
I am a vessel for the life within me

And I digress
For all life is is a series of digressions
Slipping clumsy from next to next
Sending ripples through a pond
“Disturbing” a peace we will never know
we have always been a part of

I am adrift
In between
In the gaps where life exists

Things are slowly falling apart

I have such good friends
A family who loves me to death
A house and a home and a heart that beats
But I'm so empty

It starts with a click
Nails on my phone screen
Reading that text
Again and again
The beginning of the fall

My room starts getting messy
I start writing less
Lunches pile up on my desk
I get used to feeling hungry again
I still list my songs before bed
Falling asleep in my sweatpants
Clothes piled on a chair
So high it's practically an entity
A guardian of my depression
Watching me fall

I still talk to my friends
I still smile when I read
And laugh at old shows
But it's harder now
And I ache when it's over
Deeper than before

It's not my worst ever
But if I had a bottle of pills
I'd drink them down painfully
After much deliberation
Life is so painful and lonely
When you're failing ever so slowly
Withdrawing and crawling
Deeper in your hole
It's so dark down here
Yet I loathe the light
I take the perfect life I have
And flush it away
Watch it drain
Then scoop up the dregs
And mourn it
Like I wasn't the one who made me
Forever lonely
Forever and always

Lungs filling up
With blackened dust
Your heart is a crutch
For your hopeless
Romantic lust

And that's all
That you really are
A hopeless mess
Of honeydew scent
Matching stripes and scars

I love you
But only as a friend
Maybe a little less than that
It's a love from a worn out past
And it's fading
More now than ever before

You are kind
And I am strong and beautiful
Perhaps our paths diverge here
Not out of malice
Or ill will
Just differences
And the growth of two trees
In different directions

Some days
There's a fountain
In my soul
Shooting up words
And thoughts
Clear fresh water
Droplets on a page

Some days
The well goes dry
Eyes burning
Free from tears
No words
No love
This is worse somehow

Ready for a new life
A whole school
Of three hundred smiles
Hopefully, the autumn breeze
Will take me where
I need to be
My blacked out eyes
Will yours meet mine
On the very first day
Or will the current
Rip me away

I want to be grounded
I need to be strong
But something's eating
Up my insides
Telling me I've been gone
For far too long
I can't make up
For the wasted days
Rotting away
Behind reinforced glass
Wishing that today
Might be my last

I hate this topic
Because what are friends anyways
Have I ever really had one
I think so
Years ago
But when you start lying to yourself
You can't help
But lie to everybody else
And if no one knows
Who you are
It's hard to have friends
It's hard to go on
Without opening up
But opening up
Is social suicide
When opening up is admitting
That you're not the person
You say you are
Opening up is letting go
Letting go of the person you wanted to be
The person you pretended to be
Opening up means giving your friends
The picture perfect opportunity
To leave you
It's a big old "*******"
Right to their faces
It's basically saying
"I've never told you who I am"
And who knows what they'll think
I can't tell my "friends"
Because I don't want them to leave
I don't want to be alone again
But even if I tell them that
There's no reason for them to believe
I've lied to them before
I'm probably just lying again
And that's the last thing I could take
Making someone believe
That I don't think they're good enough
Not good enough for the truth
Not good enough to see
Who I really am
And in truth all my "friends"
Are so much more than good enough
They're ******* angels
And the reason they can't know
Who I really am
Is because I don't belong here
I don't belong anywhere
Certainly not with them

Friendship is
A cold nose thing
Middle of the winter
Huddling in coats
Under trees
Dripped on by rain
That kind of thing
Wet socks from
Running
In Pacific weather
Thing
Laughing at each other
Because we can barely
Put our hair up
Thing
Sharing deodorant and
Pictures we drew
In the back of
Language Arts
Kind of thing
It's a petty kind
Of thing
Leaving t-shirts at
Their house
Kind of thing
Never giving that
Necklace back
Kind of thing
Everything they have
Is now yours too
It's almost like
Marriage but
A little less insane
And when they lose
You do too
And we always lose
In life or in death
Or in pain
Or in distance
Or in hatred
Or in love
There's loss
And I've lost
Them all

It's ugly
Right?
That's what they've always told me
And I should be grateful
To even have someone
Who wants to hit on me
But I want to be alone
In a romantic way
I like you as a friend but
I'd rather stay away
From the complications
Of relationshipping
And you make me laugh
And you're pretty cute
But I don't like you
So I'll call you
Dude and man
And give you subtle hints that
Men aren't my cup of tea
Because as lovely as you are
And straight as you can be
Darling I'm not into you
That's just how it is
I'm homoflexible
And asexual at best
It's the game I play
And you aren't my
Exception

It's too late
For me to be awake
But I am
And I'm still thinking about you

I'm intrigued
Honestly
I want to see more
I want to dive deep
I'm standing at your edge
Watching my own
Rippling reflection

Will you let me in?
I think you will.

Love the way
She's so rumpled
Crumpled from the hours
Spent on
The back of the couch

Sometimes
I have to remind myself
That I made a promise
That I am not
In the business of giving up

Bones of books
Stacked up on shelves
The scoured
And devoured
Doused in vinegar
Sterilized after the wrath
Leaf green lies
Stripped away by bleach
The world is clean
Scented with coffee
No wildfire romance
No breathtaking view
Just me and you
Imperfect fools

Thank you
For a good first year
Sure there were bad parts
Parts where I hardly wanted to be, but
All in all
I was not in pain
I did not suffer like I used to
You were the cause of that
And you are the end

Now I'm gone, baby, gone
No lost love between us
You were there
For my sophomore year
And that's all you'll ever be

I'm gone now
I don't love you or miss you
All those parties
All those 3 AMs
I don't regret them
But I hope they never
Happen again

I still dream about you,
you know.

Not every night like I used to
but still often enough to wake up
wondering why you aren't around.

And you're always on my mind.
Always.

I can't keep doing this.
Even though I hurt you, you're
the one who's hurting me
so inadvertently.
And every silence is like
a blow to the face,
because I know you see me.

You're such a good bad guy.

Just because
You take precautions
Doesn't mean
I won't break

"I want to go home"
I think
As I sit in a school cafeteria
Clouds above and below my head
Sinking down into my own personal hellscape
My mire
My endless pit of open ended thoughts
"Am I good enough?"
I think that I surely am not
I've never been good enough for just about anyone

Sitting in a large and
Somehow unfamiliar house
I am tired of my childhood
Tired of these purple walls
And PG movies
Decorating Christmas trees
This all feels too young
For me
Part of me feels strange
To leave behind
The fairy lights
And sleepless nights
With best friends in a hot tub
I was grown on Poptarts
And Sunday morning shows
None of that feels right anymore

I guess I must be
A criminal
Because I
Am a prisoner
And people hurt
For a reason
As far as
Reasons go
I don't have many
Just a bucket
Full of guilty
Misbeliefs
All the lies
That I tell
To the me
In the mirror
I know I'm
No good
But god I'm
Just a little girl
Only fifteen
Aren't I allowed
To think
I'm pretty
Can't I believe
That someone
Might love me
What happened
To twirling my
Fingers in
My curled hair
Because they
All say to
Trust my intuition
But intuition's
A *****
And she says
Everything
I don't want
To hear
That is my
Heartbreak
Reality
My saddest
Totality

I am not
Pretty
I am not
Witty
I am not
Smart
I am not
Creative
I am not
Loving
Nor am I
Loved
I am not
Perfect
I am not
Enough

Cut my hair
As cute as can be
Now I'm even better
At hiding what is me

Breaking waves
Of wind against
The glass
Ocean tides
Marked by time
Marked by suicides
Of young dive bombers
Too scared to see
The sun
Too proud to take
The lower road
Too alive to face
Death
In any other way

Easily disappointed
By my own too high too low standards
I hate my imperfect skin
I should be loving the flaws in me
But I can't bring myself to
Staring at the stickers
On the back of my teacher's computer
Waiting for time to pass
Until I can go home
Lay in bed
And wait for time to pass again

I'm thriving
Growing like a ****
Laughing at midnight
In my room by myself
Not because I'm manic
But because I'm happy
Happy
It's been a while since I've said that

It's a sad thing
When January 15th means more to me
Than my own birthday
I guess I'll celebrate
Anyways

Happy birthday

Shaking
Taking in breaths
Through the bottom of my feet
Aching
In all the places that I landed
Mind overtaken
By all the possibilities
Of things that could've come

Falling in love with danger
Falling backwards
Into that ugly spiral
All screaming and hiding
Drinking ***** water
Staring at the sun

I'm so melancholy I can barely breathe
Reliving hospital beds just to feel
That sickening pain
Chorded dreams
Of waking up in my own bed
Day after
I was supposed to be dead

Sick as a horse
It's so glamorous
To be broken
Mushrooms growing in my bones
Some disease
I can't treat
I can't go home

Flirting with friends
Pushing myself
Right to the edge
Of sanity
I'm married
To my mind's
Fatally broken backbends

Trapped in this funhouse
Do my makeup with my friends
In a funny mirror
We don't look human anymore
Dancing in my basement
Pretending that this parody
Is the party of my life

You are part of my history
No matter what I do
You've claimed a piece of me
And I still never want to see you again
But I've accepted that the person I knew
For five hours on a Saturday afternoon
Will never leave me

Your face is still going to haunt me
I'll still cringe when I imagine
Your hands on me
But I'm getting up
And moving on
And not caring if you move on too

I still don't exist to you
Do I?

She’s beautiful

Hold her through right and wrong
All I see is my reflection
Turn up the music
Open a new tab
What have I given to her?
My love
Don’t waste away

Heat pulsates
Skin burns with shame
I am a fire

Does nobody hear her?
How dare they call themselves
Lovers

She’s beautiful
Cast my eyes down
Staring at chipped nails and cold hands
Numb days turning into moonlit nights
Screaming
Screaming
Screaming for no one

Iron cast
She will not bend
To see her
Pale and prone
Needles and paper shackles
Reoccurring nightmares
Nobody deserves that
To come so close to dying
That would be to lose her

Tears behind glasses
Blown off the road
Sad songs and backstories
Lost

She’s beautiful
This disorder will eat her alive
And I’m scared
Because this is my fault
And I cannot save her
This time

There is no ledge
Just thoughts
To see the day
That her beauty fades
And her eyes are hollow
And jade
That is to lose her

Please come home

Your soft lips
A wet caress
Tinged with sweet mint and cigarettes
And something faintly spiced
The softness of your hands on my hips
Your stomach and chest pressed against mine
Breathing into each other
Your heartbeat the only sound I can hear
Domestically in love

School *****
Without you
Seriously
Biology is awful
I know you don't care
But I want to see you again

Hey.
I don't know you but
I'd love to make your acquaintance
Standing in the rain
So I can finally
See the sun

Hi.
Nice to meet you but
Something's tearing up my insides
Teasing white lies
About how I'll
Do it wrong with you

Hello.
I'd love to be
Happy in your eyes
Savvy in your smile
Never saying goodbye
To your face in my mirror

Imagine having that perfect highschool boyfriend
Being one of those couples in the halls
Hugging before each class
Kissing after school
Wearing his hoodie
While he wears your scrunchie

Imagine staying up late facetiming
Falling asleep to his voice from your phone
Holding hands when you walk together
All your friends talking about how cute you are
Holding a special place in someone's heart
And being so open about it

Imagine being enough to have that

If you stare at my ceiling fan
For long enough
It starts to look like
A massive metal flower
I stared for a while
A few minutes
Enough to see my own reflection
In twisting grey petals
The gold rivets
Made themselves at home
Around my pupils
And I've never been the same since
Maybe someday that fan will fall down
And **** me
Hit me over the head
And decapitate me like in a movie
Maybe one day
The fan will fall
And relieve this burden
From us all

Would things be different
if we still talked?

Would I feel better?
Would all these disorders be gone?
Would I still be in love
with all there is to be?

Would you still love me?
Did you ever love me at all?
Will your body feel it when I'm gone?
What if my last dream of you
was the day you died?
What would you say
if I joined you?

I used to think
You were so blessed
Now I think
I was obsessed

But I'm not anymore
I've opened my eyes
Looking at you now
You're just another guy

The reddish tinge in your eyes
Betrays your mouth
Overflowing with words
Like bitter sweet champagne
I now your name
Now
That I'm awake
Woken from a dream
Where you were perfect
And I was weak

Warmth
On the edge of a field
That flat grey sky
Slashed through with beams
Of hazy light
Little red flowers
Spreading like a sea of stars
High grass
Dark green fronds
Winding trunks of
Taller trees
Thickets of bracken
And briary bushes
All green
With leaves like teardrops
Sun upon my golden legs
And the sky
Breaking

You make my throat hurt
Aching up from my core
Slick and soft and smooth
Picturing you kissing and licking into my mouth

Honeysuckle and vinegar
Sweet and scalding
Heady in my throat
Staining your aftertaste
On the inside of my cheek

I can't stop thinking
Resting my head
Against your side
As you stand
Drinking in my scent

We're like honeysuckle and vinegar

How long did it take
To scrub the taste of you
Off of my mouth?
My gums were bleeding by the end
My bed was a mess
Sheets torn, this way and that
A futile attempt
To make them reek
Of anything other than you

I don't want to watch
Your blush fade
It's like watching the sunrise
While your friends die
And the palettes
With all your paints
Will eventually stain
Like blood in earth
On forgotten battle fields
Where we kissed
While the sun rose
And I overdosed