[stage 1]

once, i thought depression is a ******* *******.
i thought it is a figment of my imagination, the error in the calculations.
just a burden.
i never thought i would feel them every single ******* night.

[stage 2]

i thought it ended there.
i thought if i sleep early, the demons cannot haunt me at nights. i thought i could sleep and forget, like i always did.
then the nightmares came knocking at my dreams' doors.

[stage 3]

i started losing sleep. i started to believe that this will be neverending.
then i started depressing over things during daylight.

[stage 4]

im losing a piece of myself, bit by bit, every second of every day.

it was 3 a.m. and i'm gazing into the open sky
into the darkness that lies ahead.

it was black , obviously (or was it grey?)
it was black but it wasn't evil or anywhere near it.

i was happy
because it was only me and the open sky
the fresh night air
and the stars, never to forget the lovely moon.

the scene changed

i was drowning in the open sea
nobody knew i was out here
i took this risk alone
and i know i might die of hypothermia here.

it was 3 a.m. and there's this
roller-coaster of emotions i felt
this vigorous scenes changing
and constantly fading.

9.00 a.m.
it took me 6 hours later
to realize that the stars i was staring at
actually they were your eyes.

and the ocean i'm drowning in
was your cold, stiff embrace.

"after all, i am just another song you'd skip on your playlist."

they gave me one last chance to decide. they have been fighting with other since 17 years ago, the day i was born. and now they want me to choose one side. it all started because of you, once they saw you they immediately agree with each other on one thing; all three of us needed you. your smile made us melt, your laugh made their arguments fell, your voice alone forced them to shake hands and demand truce. the best part was they even committed ideas to me on how to steal your heart. everything was going well between these two kingdoms, and their peace made me happy too.

but then you left. the war started again, in a much bigger scale. they tried to call for truce for a few times but everything went wrong without you. they ended up hurting me, and what i can only do was to sit still and feel everything. i went down, your absence did hurt me as they started to blame me for losing you. i started to lose control, and they scrambled with each other to try and control me, forcefully. i never liked my heart's decisions, and my brain's also stupid. it almost felt like i had two uncontrollable hearts. since you left, everything i did went wrong and ended up hurting all of us again and again.

one day, i woke up after passing out of tiring and exhausting nights thinking about how to make them at peace again. they were silent that day and that made me feel weird. no arguments heard, and my head's not spinning as usual. i came knocking at my brain's door and i found him sitting on a dark corner, crying. he told me he gave up, he couldn't take it anymore. after i walked out of his house, he slammed the door behind me, and so i went to see my heart. as i thought, he gave up as well. i went back home, not knowing what to feel.

one day, they came knocking at my door, asking me to side with one of them for once and forever. i refused, as i don't know what to reply or what to feel. they left, and after a few moments i heard another knock at my door and i opened the door.

*"do you have a place for me to stay? my name's emptiness."

we are descending
into an era where we
can ever see the truth again.

we are immersing
in a pool of black ink
and cold sharp pain
all over again
blinding us.

we are serenely
killing ourselves
drowning inside with no oxygen
to breath, to take in

we are decelerating
and the illusions won't stop
the fear won't disappear
and death is
the sound we'll never hear.

fires are red
and skies are blue
my feelings fade
along with you.

the sun rises
and the moon disappear
fear not darkness
just keep your mind clear.

one day, she said
'laugh with me'
i laughed along
i forgot my misery.

i've been living off cities
crossing busy streets
traces of neon lights
diminished and reborn
every single night

i've been yearning
off the pavements
of unnamed streets
the ghost towns
the unknown frowns upon me

an anonymous excitement
wanderous
magnificent
and persistent.

the whispers
of the calamity
and calmness
before the storm
worries
and
excites me

the constant
awareness
of dangers lurking
makes me hold you
your hand
tighter around my fingers

my mind spoke of nothing
but to fear
to protect
and to be brave
all at the same
second of it all

melodies in my lullaby
broken guitars and abandoned violins
in the forest we go.

you said, stand by
we're proud sinner
we're not saints, but we thought so.

the birds fly
the sky's clearer from here
on my shoulders you lean
and the rivers continue to flow.

we laughed until we cry
we promise forever
through thick and thin
through darkness and sorrow.

but life disagreed
and kept us apart
separated we are
until we depart.

the only way for me to be irrationally rational, is sadness.

and that's me, as complicated as i can be.

nothing can describe
this feeling of dread in my chest.

not even the cold wind
or the icy storm coming my way.

nothing can deny
this feeling of despair
in my chest
in my legs
in my whole existence.

nothing may torture me
but my own self.

often we not realize that

the best poems are the ones that were never written

never spoken

never expressed.

the best poems are the ones we keep to ourselves

raw

and untouched.

lately, it's hard for me to breathe. i don't know why, maybe it's just a flu or maybe i'm starting to miss you, again. i hope the second possibility is not true, because my body can't handle it anymore. last time this happened, i nearly lost my mind. and i hope that i will not lose the remaining pieces of myself. i'm not ready to suffer again. i need some air.

i need that paroxysm
that little jolt
that single spark
for me to feel again.

i hate to admit
i would sound
desperate
and needy
but i need someone.

i don't want just anyone.

but i don't know
i really need one.

Your silence used to be warm
Used to be lovely.

Your silence used to be close
Enduring
Yet addicting.

Your silence was something
That makes me smile
Because when you were silent
You will smile
And your smile
Are indeed
One in a million.

But now
Your silence is distant
Threatening everything
Even me
From closing in.

Your silence
It pushes me away
And whenever I look in your eyes these days
I can see
The old you
Has gone
Along with your enticing silence.

your mind was a train
full of joy and candy

and mine was the passenger
who happened to tag along
in your adventurous journey.

the railways are rusty
and the sounds are annoying
instead we feel happy
we took it as fun,
as a part of everything.

i was lost
a traveller i have always been
always thinking about what could have been.

inside this train, i found happiness
even though it's not forever
hey, i do sound clever.

the sweets are killing me
they're too many
come here, sit with me
let's unwrap them
and fill our tummy

what is all this
is this insanity?

i feel like drifting
oh wait, am i me?

oh-uh, my time is up
tick-tock
the death knocks.

oh, what is this?

a poison candy?

thanks sweetheart, finally i'll be free!

"should be counted as one, if divided equals zero."

i feel sad when people said that
the religion of Islam
is the religion of hate.

i feel sad, and depressed.
i loved everyone around the world
i tried to spread peace
around me and in social medias
because that is what i can only do

but then?

why do you judge
my religion when i know it better
than you do?

why do you hate something
so much
before trying to understand it?

i know my religion
if it promotes hate and revenge
i would already leave this religion

but my religion is purely innocent
i swear to my God
to the earth, and to the sky
that my religion loved peace.

stop this, please. i'm begging you.

you asked me about
if i wrote your name on my hand.

and i can't help but to think about all the sketches, paintings, doodles and written poems i wrote everywhere about you.

you asked me to say
your name repeatedly
because you think
how i said it was cute.

i did, and your laugh
made my world even lighter
than it was before.

sadly, i know how you feel about me.

and you know how i feel about you.

but we can't be together.

we're just friends
that's what you said.

my heart screamed
and my eyes teared.

but i think it's better than to lose you again.