As the clouds move
I thought to myself.

You're definitely the queen of the clouds.
You move
Swiftly
Full of grace.

As I watched
The clouds move
I thought to myself again.
You're as pure
As the whiteness of the clouds
Innocent.

I wish
I am the blue sky
So I could be with you
Until whenever.

Do you know why
Emptiness hurts the most?

It's because it never hurt you.

You feel nothing
And deep down inside
You know you wanna love
And be loved to infinity.

Why do I mention infinity
All of the sudden?
In maths, infinity equals zero.
Zero, or in other words empty.

You'll keep asking yourself
Of this neverending emptiness.
Infinite emptiness.

You know, once a glass
Is decided to hold infinity
Nothing can fill it up.
That's what happens to someone
Who decided on feeling empty
Subconsciously or consciously.

You may have someone
To love you afterwards
But it won't ever feel enough.

At some point
You'll stare into the wall
And wonder why
The glass won't fill itself.

There's a cure for sadness.
There's a cure for loneliness.

But there's no way you can cure
Emptiness.

What if
Death is alive?
Sorry, I must have confused you there.

No, I mean Death is anthropomorphic
Invisible to us
But everything it touches
Dies along with its name.

Scary, or sad?
Think about it
He couldn't even touch plants, anything!
Even metals rust
When his hands touched them.

For me, that's sad.
But think about this one for a second.

What if one day
Death falls in love with Life
And he decides that he wants to touch her
For the first and the last time
In forever?

i need some privacy
stop stalking me.

i need some privacy
i don't wanna sin so proudly.

i need some privacy
what's your problem with me?

i need some privacy
stop judging me.

i need some privacy
i want to live my life freely.

stop stalking me
it's scary.

I closed my eyes
Thinking about things.

I let my feelings flow their way

Into the palace of sunny day
And into the hues of grey.

Through the darkness I swim
Straight into the river of grim.

Sometimes I hear a melody
Trying to drain me.

"Come, come, come to me."
"Come closer, we'll set you free."

They wanted me to stay
But nah, they cannot touch me during the day.

Indeed I meet demons on my journey
And also angels guarding doors.
But I find it kinda funny
When I saw you on the shore.

I thought to myself
"*******, I thought I freed."
You're like one of the final bosses of video games
That I've already killed.

I'm just a poetic gamer
Pretty sure I'm not the first.
What do you expect
A poem with blue skies and endless universe?

Maybe, but not this time.

And so I recited a cryptic verse
And watch you burn within my curse.

i'm scared to love someone.
you know, they tend to leave you.
i know because
i tend to leave, too.

and the flux void of future
scares me.
i was once to always be the first
to explore the thrill and excitement of the unknown.
i was once brave, to sail into the darkness ahead.


but i have changed
i'm not that person anymore
i'm more comfortable
in the fading lights of present
and in the cold hands of emptiness.

Violets
The word tingles me
Somehow.

I don't know
But it feels weird.
To me
Violets roses are
Definitely more beautiful
Than red ones.

I feel like
Everything is a metaphor
Including you.
You're violet
And you're more beautiful
Than the blood running
In my veins.

But then
The sky is black at night
And violets
Would be swallowed.
Influenced.
You'd turn into black
Even if it's only for the night.

Metaphors inside my head
Irrelevant, illogical.
I imagined you
Turning into a radiant violet
Rebirthed at dawn
Majestic.

once i entered the tiny, infinitesimal world.
the protons asked me

"how to keep positive"
*"in a world so negative?"

For the first time
I looked into your eyes
I thought it wasn't obvious that
I actually stared.

You would never understand
What I actually saw
Inside of your
Mesmerizing eyes.

It was brown
Almost black
But it was brown, I'm sure.

After noticing my long stare
You asked
"Is there anything wrong in my eyes?"

And I regretted
For I didn't say
That your eyes
Are flawless.
Beautiful.

Once before
I told you why we couldn't be together
But here we are, holding each other's hand.

I remembered how I told you that
I'm the colour black, and you're the colour white.
I still remember the smile you gave me
Why, my angel's racist now?, you joked.

I was serious
But you made me laugh a bit back there.

I still remember how I justified
How different we are
To be together.
I'm a pessimist, you're a ******* optimist, see?
We're different, we won't fit with each other
We're like the ocean and the skies, separated forever.

I still remember your laugh
And your words after you kissed me.

Why does it matter that much
That we're different?

Why, my angel
You're a sweet chocolate cake
And I'm the vanilla ice-cream.

No matter how different we are
We're still happy together.
*Isn't that all that matters?

Hey, I have a question for ya.
Are you a liar?
It doesn't matter
If you lie about things
Or feelings
You're still a liar.

If your answer is yes
I have a question for you.

Who is the only person
That you can never lie to?

Think now, liars.
Who is it?
Your parents?
Friends?
Family?
God?
Sorry, I laughed a bit there.

Well, the answer is simple.
You can lie to everyone but not yourself, liars.
So think before you lie
Because you might stab yourself
With your own knife.

I laughed a bit.
You're asking me how?
Let me answer that for you.

x

*You can't.

people only call me kind
because i'm good at pretending not to be evil

people only call me happy
because i'm good at hiding my feelings

and people only call me smart
because i acted like it

the truth is

i'm evil
i'm sadistic
i love pain
and i love inflicting pain.

i'm full of lust
i wanna do things
things that are  beyond imagination
evil things
i might love your soul
it's just i never told
that i want you entirely
your body, everything
call me pervert
at least i'm being honest.

i am sensitive
i ached on every single
words all of you threw at me
deep inside i have a volcano
filled with magma of hatred
but i chose to let it go
i chose to let it cool by itself
because i know no one cares if i get mad anyway.

i pretend to be smart
because i want to fit in
to be part of the society
even though how ****** up the community is
i pretend only to
to fulfill everyone's hope
about my so-called intelligence.

i'm just truthfully fake, i guess.

I know one thing for sure.

Everyone would agree with me
*If only there's an app for HelloPoetry!

i love you
i miss you
take care okay
don't leave me
i hate you
please get out
i don't care
you should go

"I wish I have no feelings at all."

Yeah, feelings are *******.
I agree.
But I'll also have to disagree.
I'm not actually an optimistic person
But I know a thing or two about feelings.

Feelings depend on you.*
Feelings are like a little brother of yours
Annoying I'd say.
Sometimes it would drift off by itself
That's why
Sometimes it would remind you
About things you want to forget.
But it depends on you
You're his big brother, or sister
Lead its way.
Don't let it drift off.
Play with it sometimes, a little imagination is fine.

Feelings would hurt you
Sometimes when you turn your back against it
It'll hit you with painful memories.

It wants your attention.
It wants you to feel, to cry and to laugh.
To learn from regret.
But be wise.
It's just a little kid.
Don't follow it blindly towards the void.

Feelings are like your little brother
If you look in a perspective.
So tell me
Do you still wish you'd lose your little brother now?

the storm calmed
the flood subsided.

x

and suddenly i don't know you anymore

Did I ever lived before I was born
I'm 17 now
And I never had any girlfriend
But I felt like I had one.

Do you ever feel it sometimes
To hold, and to touch
To be held, and to be touched
By someone you love
Or someone you want
Or someone I loved
Or someone I wanted?

I don't know
If it's my memories
Messing up my imagination
Or my lust
Messing up my brain
Or did I really
Lived and loved before?

Diamonds, spades, hearts, and ace,
Whenever I see you, my heart will race.

i'm sorry for leaving, for not explaining.

i'm sorry for taking you for granted, for making you feel unwanted.

i'm sorry for swearing, for being unsensitive and unwilling.

i'm sorry for being annoying, for always being irrelevant and spamming.

i'm sorry for always thinking about you, it's not like i want to.

i'm sorry for letting you go, it's just i think you deserve more.

i'm sorry i'm such a mess, maybe i should think less.

i'm sorry i don't have a good body, i'm just born wimpy

i'm sorry i cry a lot, because i'm tired of the battles i've fought

i'm sorry i think a lot, changing me into someone i'm not

i'm sorry for being sensitive, for always thinking negative

i'm sorry for being hated, for being me and for being complicated

i'm sorry for giving up, for always ******* up

i'm sorry for losing control, for overreacting and for not doing as told

i'm sorry for everything, to everyone for anything

i hope you'll forgive me, even though it's not easy.

You don't want me
Is it?

It's okay
I understand.

No one wants a stupid
Poetic, weak guy like me.

Is it wrong
For me to want you
So bad
I feel like I'm going insane
Because every second possible
My mind would search for your scintilla

****, your eyes.
******.
I'm just, oh god
Just so in love with your eyes.

I always imagined myself
Staring into the ocean
And storms inside your cold eyes
Reminding me how lucky I am
To ever have you.

I guess
Write about you
Is all I can ever do.

Why?
Ah, the reason is easy.
You don't want me.

Sometimes I’m scared
Of my own mind.

It wanders into
Peculiar darkness
And fallen battlefields
It’d pick up the shards of my past
And create illusions of future.

Sometimes I’m scared
Of my own lips
It speaks its own mind
Before my tiny brain could stop it.
It yearns for your kiss
During the sleepless nights I had.
It’d repeat your name, I swear.

Sometimes I’m scared
Of my own self
My legs would run away from physical reality
Like a total coward I am.
My tears would fall by itself
My eyes would hurt
And it’ll stare into emptiness
My hands would write
About things I wanna forget
About love I’ll regret
And about you, too.

Am I losing myself?

While I was waiting for the train
To arrive
I realized why I don't feel mad or irritated
Waiting for it.
I don't have to think about the pause
The interval.
I could distract myself with gadgets, my imaginations and stuff.

I can think
About everything else
Except about the cessation and my patience.

Truly, your patience is really tested deeply
Only when you're thinking about how patient you have been before.

You'll feel obliged at yourself and you'll start to think
About how patient you've been and trust me
That's when you need to be careful with your mind.
That's the critical point.
That's the time your patience is really tested to its limits.

//

But my case is different with you.
I've waited for a long time
And after a certain point
I would overthink.

I would think of how long I've been waiting
And about how will I have to wait.

That's where it gets me
That's where my mind gets me, really.

Waiting for you
My mind cannot be distracted.

It's inevitable - both waiting and thinking about you
They come in one package; inseparable.

//

That's why to wait for someone hurts.
The thing is, you know the train would come, eventually.

It won't ever feel the same as waiting for a train
It would cut and hurt you deeper than any suffering
You'll ever have to bear.

Love is indeed
A disease.

Sometimes contagious
Sometimes it's not.

There's some symptoms
Your lungs will burn

And you feel like
There's less oxygen
In this world.

And you'll feel volts of
Sparkling electricity
Going through your veins.

Be careful
This disease is incurable.
Survivors can heal
But never normal again
It stays in your heart
Until you die.

She's beautiful
I know that.
She's cute
I know that one, too.

Stop saying all these things
About her.
I know all of them.
But either way I'll choose you.

Why?
Oh, you know why.
Beauty
Is temporary.
I don't need a cutie
Because I already have you, clumsy.

I don't need perfection
Your flaws are acceptable
I don't need her attention
I only need yours.

You have your flaws
They're all cute to me.
You're not perfect
And that's beautiful to me.

So, my heart has decided
That
It wants you and it really, really
Really, really, really wants you.
Therefore
I have no choice
But to choose you,
My love.

Your chest feels heavy, doesn't it?
You feel like you wanna drift off
Leaving everything behind.

I'll tell you what
I feel the same way too.

Because surviving's getting harder?
Maybe.
Because we don't get what or who we want?
Possibly be.

Or maybe just we need each other
To lift the weight
Together
And maybe we will be much stronger?

i'm still figuring out about
what to write.

maybe a little bit about
how we fight
or how you vanished out of sight?

i'm still figuring out about
what we had
it's just too sad
oh-uh, am i going mad?

i'm still figuring out about
what i felt
because all i ever had
was gone in a sec.

i'm still figuring out about
what to write.

maybe about
the sleepless nights
or our endless fights?

or maybe a bit about
the sensation you gave
or your presence that i crave?

i don't know.
i'm still figuring it all out.

I am a storm
Forced into this
Weak form.

Hey little daisy
If you think you loved me
You're wrong.
Nah, not because I said so
Neither because I was wrong.

I am a storm.
In my journey
I destroy things.
I destroy life.
I destroy happiness.
And do you know why?

It's in me.

It's the reason I exist.

If you still bare to say
That you're in love with me
Know that you'll run from me
Like everyone else.

So go.
Keep your stupid feelings to yourself.

Why, today's a great day. I remembered our times when we walked together through the streets, laughing over how silly I look when we were only 7, I fell into the hole in front of us. But we were too into our conversations at that time. I fell again, and now I broke my leg. You cried to me, begging me to help. You only looked at me, as you do not know how to help me. 'Our hands can't reach each other, I fell too deep.' you said.*

There, the devil's revelation.

About us.

He told me that his revelations are not accurate
As he heard them from the highest firmament.

Once upon a time
There was a boy.

He was happy
With himself
Until the thief came.

The thief stole nothing
From the boy
As he doesn't have anything
But his heart.

But the thief
Wanted something for herself
So she decided
His heart will be her fortune.

And so
The thief tries to steal it
She tried and tried
Looking for it
Everywhere she can ever imagine
But she never could.

×

One day
The thief gave up
And decided to ask the boy
'Where is your heart?'



'Isn't it with you all this time?'
The boy replied
As he gave her a smile.

My mind is blank
This is the third piece of paper
That I crumpled.

I don't know what to think.

I used to have faith in things
In humanity, in love.
But ****, life stings
I'm burning my trust in the stove.

I used to breathe slowly
Enjoying the fresh air
But now pollutants are killing me softly
The atmosphere's their lair.

Mother Earth is dying
Humans savaging
Doesn't anyone realize the link
If she dies, she'll bring along everything?

I used to feel young and free
Without hate, without despair.
But the world worries me
How long until we all start to care?

I need answers
Right at this moment
I love you
And I would leave anything
Or everything behind
For you.

Dear, I know
I have too many questions
On my mind
But please
Couldn't you just answer one?

I wanna know
If I'm falling
And you would be there
To catch me?

I was always
A red blood rose
Dangerous.

I used to be someone
Who loved someone else
And not to be loved myself.

It was hard
To accept the fact
That I'm not worth
To be loved
But eventually I accepted it.

But then
You came
Knocking at my door
Saying you're in love with me.

How can I accept
I mean
You must have been
A crazy maniac
Thinking that
You could break down
My wall that I've built
And strengthen
Since long ago?

Do you think I'd
Fall for you
And let my blossom
To be stepped on
By anyone else
After the first one?

Try
And fall
As I won't
Let you
Or anyone else
To hurt me
And make me bleed again.

I am a rose
Fall for my deceiving beauty
And be in pain
Of my sharp thorns.

In the future
I don't wanna be
Someone
Who laughed at my own stupidity
For loving you before.

In the future
I want to be the one
Who kisses you good morning
And kisses you again at night
The one to wish you sleep tight
And say
'I hope angels bless you till morning light.'

I wanna be the one
To watch you sleep
In a way
That make you feel safe
Protected.

I wanna laugh
Seeing your annoyed face
And the redness of your nose
After I pinched them
As I kidded around with you
At the kitchen.

I really love you
I wanna be with you
And I know I really do.

I am into you.
Too into you.

(But)

Into emptiness I look
As I could look at you no more.

Into hell I go
As I could hold you no more.

(As it go)

Into fire I burn
As I could feel no more.

Into water I drown
As I could breath no more.

Into darkness I fade
As I could shine no more.