In school, you're always asked the typical question
"What do you want to be when you grow up?"
What if you don't know the answer?
How are you supposed to find out what you want to do?

Sure, you could go to college and find out then
But then there's the fear of student loans and costs
Then they ask, "why don't you get a job?"
Easy for you to say, I don't know where to start.

No social skills, no experience doing anything.
And you fear being exploited or mistreated cause of your quirks.
So then you just do nothing, and let your ability to write fade
The one apparent thing you were good at. As if.

So then you wallow away at home
And it's convenient cause of what's going on right now
But what happens when all this is over? Then what?
Do you just continue to engage in sloth?

You'll rot away doing nothing
Wasting your time on stupid games and special interests
Get off your ******* *** and do something with yourself
Go out and be a productive member of society

Get a job and make the rich richer
And watch as any optimism you thought you had crumbles
Whatever it takes to get those thoughts in your head to stop
The constant thoughts that you amount to nothing

Despite their protests
And transphobic comments
We went on the date we had planned
Not caring about their demands

Sure, I was nervous as hell
And I could tell she was as well
And maybe we didn't talk much
But none of that mattered when I met her touch

Our hands interlocked in a silent agreement
That no matter what they said, we would ignore their treatment
There were so many things I wanted to do or say
But all that will come on another day.

When I first sat at that table
A sort of aura filled the air, it was unstable
Even though I knew they wouldn't change their ways
My eyes still met your beautiful gaze.

There have been countless times
Where we've voice chatted
And I laughed and you called it cute.
And I found myself enjoying it.

I liked it whenever I sounded like that
Whenever I sounded different, feminine.
And I began to dislike hearing my normal laugh.
It felt odd to me.

A thought popped into my head.
A desire to experiment.
And once I did it, I felt even weirder about myself.
Then the questions started.

You pointed things out, and called me an egg.
Not that I minded.
Still, the questions remained, and I felt strange.
There was a sadness that I couldn't place.

Excuses were made.
Like how I didn't feel a 'certain way'
Whenever I tried on those clothes again.
It had to be something ******. It just had to.

But I started to not react in that way anymore.
And I kind of liked wearing them.
So then the questions returned.
And I didn't know what to think.

In the end, while I still have these questions.
I think it's okay to have them.
And even though I'm uncertain about myself
I'll continue on until I find who I am.

On that one night, you hummed to yourself.
Some song from some game, I suppose.
To you, it may have been just noise
But it struck my heart.

Your voice was relaxing
And I just laid down, listening in awe
Captivated by that sound
It was beautiful.

As I laid there, I was overcome
With a strong sense of calm
And in that moment, I felt I could lie there forever
Just listening to your hum.

When you're awake
Likely chatting away on Discord.
I'm likely tossing and turning
Trying to get to sleep.

And when I'm up
At an ungodly hour in the morning.
You're probably asleep.
Hugging your pillow, I hope.

Halfway across the country now.
The distance between us feels further
Yet when we talk it feels like
You never left.

One day, I'll join you
And then, finally
Our schedules won't be awkward.
Instead, they'll be synchronized.

When we're apart
I just want to talk to you.
You plague my thoughts
But I don't mind.

I wanna know
How you're doing
Even if it's a simple answer
It makes me happy.

Our talks might be short
And I might not know
What to say to you
But I don't care.

I feel like we make
The most of the time
We have together.
But why do I want more?

I wanna feel your hand grasp mine
Our fingers interlocking
Our lips crashing together
In a frenzy of desire.

You're something I can't
Get enough of.
An addiction. A craving.
Some sort of drug.

A cross-country trip that should
Take about five days at most.
Maybe more.
And during that time, we won't get to talk.

I'll miss you
and my heart aches just thinking about it.
But I know that this is something
you have to do.

I'll be waiting for you.
I hope you'll be safe.
And I know that you'll
miss me too.

I wanna say something
For every bigot out there
That believes transgender people are just
'Pretending' or 'seeking attention' or whatever.

They're not.
They're simply trying to lead their lives
And become the people they wanna be.
Nothing more complicated than that.

If you wanna deprive them of that, go ahead and try
But I assure you that these people are stronger than you are
Sure, they might not give you the attention you crave so much
But at least they're not attacking others over being themselves.

Stay with me,
I plead to you
As I grip your hand
Mine is slick with sweat.

My heart beats quickly
As my fears rush into my mind
"Will you leave me? Please don't go."
You just smile and say 'no.'

I know you won't leave me.
My heart wants to come out of my chest
But it's okay.
Because I know you're scared too.

You think that you're not good enough
Or that you're a bad girlfriend
I'm here to tell you that that's
Wrong, wrong, and super wrong!

You're an amazing girlfriend, dummy!
Despite your likes and kinks
I don't care about any of that.
If it makes you happy, then it's okay.

Our eyes meet
And lips part
As I whisper to you:
"I'm not leaving either."

I don't care what they might think
I don't care about their words
I know, deep inside, that these feelings are true.
And my beating heart seems to agree.

It's funny how
When you're away
I miss you.
And that hurts.

I want to
Tell you more
About how I feel
Yet the words don't come forth.

I still hope that someday
We can meet, but sometimes
I feel as if that's just
Some sort of fantasy.

Yet somehow, I know in my heart
We'll be together, but is it just
Something I want or desire?
Or could it be something more?

You're a strong person, you know?
Just hearing everything you've been through
It makes me shake with anger
But at the same time, I'm hopeful for where you'll end up.

I love you, darling.
And sometimes I feel as if I can't convey that enough
In a simple message.
Am I doing something wrong?

I just can't wait until the day
We talk about stupid jokes and laugh
And then share kisses
Beginning to explore deeper places.

It's funny how whenever I write
One of these I wonder to myself:
"Will it reach her?"
It's funny because I already know the answer.

Whenever I'm down
Fighting back tears
Trying to hold on despite my fears
You're there in the distance.

Whenever I'm low
Sinking into the ground
You're there to pull me up
And tell me it's okay.

Whenever I'm panicking
You hold me in your arms
You shush me, and simply stay.
And I melt against your warmth.

I feel like whenever I open up
I release the floodgates; the depths of my mind
Yet you don't run away. You stay by my side.
And try to help me through it all.

Even though I'm shaking
Even though my tears seep into your shirt
You're there for me.
And I feel safe. I feel…something more.

You might not think you're cute
But I think you're beautiful.
And you might not think you're good enough
But I think you're perfect.

It's funny how in times of distress
We're there to help each other every time.
And even though we're crying and uncertain of the future
I'm sure that together, we can brave the oncoming storms.

Looking into your eyes
Makes my heart beat fast
And my breath hitch in my throat
I'm left speechless at the sight of you.

The words I meant to say
Don't come out quite right.
I stammer and stumble my words
Yet you giggle and say it's okay.

We looked at the stars together
And you pointed out a constellation or two
In that moment, our hands met
And you brought your lips to mine.

At times I feel nervous around you
And I'm unsure of what to say
But you're always there
To strike up a conversation anyway.

Your hugs are really warm.
And my heart is hammering out of my chest.
I find myself blush
When you call me that nickname I cherish

And I realize that I can't get enough of you.

Darkness.
A silly fear to have, when you see it every day.
You even see it when you close your eyes.
So why does it continue to terrify me?

There's nothing bad out there.
I keep telling myself that even as I convulse with fear.
Yet I still run away with a pounding heart.
As if something is threatening to pull me away.

Exhale.
Open my eyes.
Before them, I don my disguise.
A false image of myself.

I don't speak a word.
What comes out is too quiet, after all.
Inaudible amid the voices in my head.
Telling me I'm not good enough for anything.

Doubt plagues my mind as I
Succumb to the lies I tell myself
Somehow, I listen to those words.
The voices grow louder day by day.

Chatter fills the room.
I stand there, lost in the center of it all.
I try my best to approach someone.
Freeze.

Their expectations are probably shattered.
I know they're thinking I'm pathetic.
Why can't I just open my mouth?
It's getting harder to breathe.

She ran.
She was out there for five hours.
Walking. Probably running. I don't know.
She had a backpack on that entire time.

She ended up at a Wawa.
Funny that they call it that.
She had a friend pick her up.
Then she stayed with them for some time.

Her parents texted her, of course.
Saying things like "we want what's best for you."
While at the same time saying "why do you have to cause drama?"
It infuriates me to no end.

Her grandma came to pick her up.
She's pretty supportive, I guess.
But there hasn't been a text back since.
And I'm worrying all over again.

I had panicked at first.
Started shaking, almost cried.
I felt a subtle shiver in my neck, somehow.
Sweat-coated hands are irritating.

I guess I calmed down, but
I didn't know what to do or say to her.
Not like I can do much right now anyway.
We're miles apart, after all.

I'm scared she could go back.
I know neither of us wants that.
They'd berate her again. Call her a disappointment.
And other insults that I just won't say.

I just hope wherever she is, she's safe.
I hope her needs are met, and she's okay.
Sometimes, the worst outcome creeps into my mind.
But I push it back, because somehow, I'm still hoping.

I awake to a new day
Yet feel unenthusiastic.
Unlike most others, I don't really care
That the new day brings upon a new year.

It just means milestones occur.
Important events. Changes.
My birthday's in 16 days.
Adulthood approaches rapidly, and I'm unprepared.

Am I immature? Am I not ready?
I'm unsure. Yet I remain steadfast.
I'm not ready for this change.
That day will only add pressure on me.

Their expectations are high, I suppose.
"You're going to be a computer engineer." Or something like that.
But I'm…confused. Parts of it I'm not good at.
And I'm left wondering if I even care about that class anymore.

What if I don't want to pursue that?
Will it be a waste of my "talent" or is it just a fleeting interest?
I suppose I could take up writing but…
We all know that's just wishful thinking.

My mind's clouded, uncertainty filling it to the brim.
And as each minute passes, I just count down the days
Until I can talk to her again.
Even if we're far from each other, we'll still be connected.

Just like the days before.
And then, I'll make her smile.
In that moment, I'll forget about my own troubles.
And focus on hers.

Is this a bad thing to do? Probably.
Do I care too much? Perhaps.
Will this help me forget about everything though?
No. It won't. But at least I can be happy.

Even if that's for a few hours a week.

"I'll be fine," she said.
The last words she told me.
Before we were cut off
Over some imminent natural disaster.

It brought destruction
Destroyed numerous buildings and homes.
People are without power, or anything else.
And I'm just praying that she's alright.

She said she'd be fine.
But I can't help but panic.
My thoughts are scattered, I can't focus on anything else.
My heartbeat is quickening just imagining the worst.

I have to know if she's okay
But there's no way to reach her, not like this.
And only then I realize the pain
Of our long distance relationship.

Even if you can't hear me
I'm whispering those three words we exchange
And even if you can't read this now
I hope this reaches you somehow, someway.

I know you said you'd be fine.
But I'm still thinking the opposite.
Maybe I'm being stupid, maybe I'm just paranoid.
But either way, I can't help but feel like this.

Depression doesn’t just involve tears
Sometimes it’s feeling irrational fears.
Thinking I’m not good enough to do certain things
And when I try to do something, that doubt sings.

Other times, I could be tired
Unable to do things I once desired.
Throughout the day, I’m zoning out
And when I wake up, I just want to shout.

Depression doesn’t just involve tears.
I sit down in class, trying my best to ignore the stares.
As I look down at my feet, unable to feel
Sometimes I doubt my sadness is real.

Throughout the day, I find myself not caring.
About work or teachers or even those that are swearing.
And even when I get home, I still can’t place
Why life feels like such a race.

Depression doesn’t just involve tears.
Sometimes I’m just wondering whether anyone cares.
Most times I'm lying aimlessly in my bed.
Full of wordless thoughts in my head.

But I know, at least when I’m with her.
I’ll forget what all these feelings were.
With her by my side, I know I can experience that certain feeling
And then we can both start the process of healing.

Every day is the same.
Wake up late. Procrastinate.
Rush to get ready, board a bus.
Go to school. And wait.

I’ve never understood
Why people are so heartless.
People swearing and shouting and arguing at each other.
I just walk down the halls, trying to block out all the sound.

People ask me questions a lot.
“Why don’t you talk? Can you even speak?”
Yes I can, but it’s not like I don’t want to talk.
I can’t, because there’s no point in it.

You don’t know what it’s like to hate your own voice.
To feel like you won’t be understood
‘Cause your voice is too soft and deep and quiet
And you have a stupid lisp that impedes with everything.

You don’t know what it’s like to have people talk about you.
“He only talks to one person,” they say.
It makes me feel like ****.
But nobody cares how I feel.

Every day is the same.
I try my best to hide my feelings.
But sometimes things slip out
When I don’t want them to.

I cried once in class.
Put my head down on the desk.
After I was called a name by someone.
After no one would let me sit down on the bus.

I’m exhausted all the time.
I don’t want to do anything.
I just want to sleep all day.
It’s not like I’ll do anything else with my time.

I want to connect with people.
Even if I don’t understand them.
But it’s so difficult
When you face roadblocks every day.

Every day is the same.
My mind races with thoughts
“You’re going to ***** up. You’re an idiot. A loser.”
“A worthless waste of space in this world.”

“Don’t answer that question, he won’t hear you.”
They tell me to speak up, but I can’t.
It’s like something’s constricting me.
It’s the anxiety, and all those stupid thoughts.

I’m not happy anymore. I forgot the last time I was.
Can’t do anything anymore. The spark I had is gone.
It faded away with all my passions and desires.
I don’t see the point in doing anything.

Sometimes I think about the end.
I know nobody would care if I’m gone.
But then again, I can’t do that to her.
Not when all I want is to spend time with my girl.

I wish she was here. I wish we could talk.
One day isn’t enough for everything I want to say.
It’s irritating, frustrating, this distance is killing me.
But I know it’s not her fault, and I’m not mad.

If it wasn’t for her, I don’t know where I’d be.
If it wasn’t for me, she wouldn’t be the person she is now.
It’s amazing, how she’s able to survive with those parents of hers.
While I’m just a speck in a vast void of nothingness.

I hate them. I hate them so much.
They call her names, they insult who she is.
She’s just trying to be who she wants to be.
Why would you try and strip that from her?

She’s precious to me, can’t you see?
I tried so hard to get you to understand.
But you ignored it all, you never believed me.
So I’m done trying. There’s no point.

She’s the only one that makes me happy.
When I’m around her, everything just fades away.
My fears, my sorrow, my stupid thoughts.
I wish I could be by her side forever.

I miss her so much.
It’s like my heart is breaking when we’re apart.
I know, somehow, we’ll get through this.
And it will all be worth it.

Someday, I’ll be by your side.
Someday, your lips will touch mine.
I know one day, we’ll finally be together.
And we’ll never be apart from that point on.

The pitter-platter of the rain.
Seems to wash my thoughts away.
I think, my mind falling into limbo
As the tapping continues at my window

Lightning flashes across the sky
I feel a chill and wonder why
Thunder scares me more
As I curl up on the floor.

I cry and panic
It feels so pathetic
To be scared by something so frequent
Day after day, it comes, always sequent.

When I talk to you, I don’t feel shame
Because you remind me that others feel the same
I just wish I could be there with you
And I know, you feel the same way too.

The dark is scary.
Shadows creeping near the walls.
Waiting out of sight.

I get mad when I get 80s on tests.
Or when I barely scrape by on an assignment grade.
It makes me feel weak. Or dumb.
Almost like I’m not trying. Almost like I’m not applying myself.

I can do better, I know that!
I could’ve studied more. I could’ve read more.
I could’ve done more.
I could’ve tried harder.

But, in the end, these things just get me down.
I did try. I did do my best.
After all, nobody’s perfect, right?
And that’s okay.

Every day is more or less the same.
Walking aimlessly
No one to talk to
No one to lean on.

Monday. Alone, trapped with my thoughts
Thinking about whether I’m being looked at or not.
Are they watching me eat? Are they watching me walk?
I can’t do anything like this. Might as well smile at everyone.

Tuesday. Worrying *****.
Have to think ahead during every conversation. Every action.
Have to think of what to say before saying it, unlike most people.
I’m tired of it. Tired of guessing. More smiles.

Wednesday. My one friend asks if I have plans.
I say yeah, I plan on playing games.
But instead I’m lamenting over past mistakes.
Things that happened months, or even years ago.

Thursday. Hide the pain.
Smile at everyone you see.
When I get home, I cry to myself in silence.
I can’t handle this. I’m gonna break.

Friday. That one day everyone looks forward to.
But now, it feels like every other day.
What’s the point of the weekend when it goes by in a flash?
Might as well just do nothing, as always.

Why am I like this?
I dunno. It’s kinda stupid, isn’t it?
After all, someone close to me did say what I worry over is stupid.
I wonder, am I really that stupid?

Monday arrives again.
I don’t wanna get out of bed.
After two hours, I manage to dress.
And I put on another false smile.

I wish could feel something.
Wish I could stop feeling like I’m nothing.
I wanna be happy, like everyone else.
But faking it just isn’t the same.

Pretty sure I’m trapped in a trance.
I just wanna take this dance.
I don’t care if it’s up to chance.
There might be more to us than just one glance.

I know it’s real late.
And at first you were just a date.
But, it’s funny, I’m starting to like hanging out.
I’d like more of this, I know that without a doubt.

Maybe we could be more than friends.
Though I dunno if our time together could extend.
Past simply talking about nothing all day.
I just wish I knew what to say.

When I look at you now, my heart skips a beat.
Something’s rising within me, some kind of heat.
Part of me wants to regain that trance
Would you care for one more dance?

A blinding flash.
I cover my ears as my teeth gnash.
A wave of destruction, moving towards me.
There’s nothing to do; I get washed away in the sea.

My eyes open.
My thoughts, unspoken.
I dress
to cleanse my distress.

The big day is here.
My turn is near.
People, standing in front of the class.
Giving presentations; I won’t last.

My leg starts bobbing up and down at a rapid pace.
I can’t do this. I’ll be a disgrace.
My name is called, my fate inescapable.
I march to the front of the room, my ability incapable.

Breathe in. Breathe out.
I have to rid myself of this doubt.
I speak, my voice quiet, almost inaudible.
Great, this presentation is already horrible.

But time passes, and my voice is raised.
People’s eyes widen, they’re clearly amazed.
My voice carries weight, setting a tone.
Darkness clouds the room; this place is my own.

I’m done running. My feelings overflow.
And without warning, I explode.
Everyone is silent. My fate left unclear.
But, amid the silence, comes a single cheer.

Usually, I guess I’d say I’m okay.
Or fine.
I’m rarely happy anymore, unless I see you on my screen.
But even now…I don’t feel that.
No sadness. No anger. No regret.
Just…numbness.
Nothing is there anymore. My heart is cracking. Splitting.
Why? I don’t know. I can’t…think of why.
Isn’t it weird? To not know your own feelings?
I hit my head with my fist in an attempt to get something, anything out.
Just a thought. Why am I feeling this way?
But I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know.
Tears flow from my eyes, but I don’t feel sad.
I just feel empty.

Air fills my lungs
Whenever I take a breath.
Air exits my lungs
When I breathe out
Though, breathing can get finicky at times.
Since it quickens when I’m under stress
Or when I’m panicking
Though, when my eyes lock onto yours
It’s not my breathing that quickens
But my heartbeat.

The past few days have been full of pain
As I lie down in bed again.
When I open my mouth, it yells at me to shut it
So I sigh and quit trying to fight it.

I can’t eat or chew
Without my jaw breaking too
Can’t drink or sip, it seems
Unless I want my gums to scream

I can’t even function properly
Everything I do, I end up doing sloppily
Sometimes, I think of ripping my tooth out
I already know I’ll be better off without
This tooth, one of four that you don’t get at youth
Oh, how I wish I could rid myself of this wisdom tooth.

When you’re young, you stand tall.
You think nothing can hurt you.
You’re untouchable.
You think of yourself as a god.

Then, suddenly your wings are clipped.
You grew up.
You’re no longer untouchable like you once thought.
And without warning, you fall.

It’s pounding like a drum.
When I’m not with you, I feel numb.
The hole in my heart is usually wide.
But it’s smaller, now that you’re by my side.
Some memories, I just want to bury.
And yet, when I’m with you, everything is new and scary.
My heart skips a beat when you reply.
What I wouldn’t give to just say “hi.”
Without feeling dumb.
When I miss something up, I feel like ****.
Sometimes, I don’t even know what to do.
But in the end, I still love you.

You’re my girlfriend
And I’m your boyfriend
I wish I could be with you right now.
But I know that’s something they won’t allow.
I know we’re far away now.
But we’ll make this work somehow.
Your love for me is undying
That’s why I’m gonna keep on trying
To push myself, even when I’m blue
Until the day I sit next to you.

A row of keys stares back at me.
The notes come to me in beats of three.
I play them, my fingers pressing on the keys.
The chords sound off. The sound makes me freeze.

The resulting sound was like glass shattering.
My teeth started chattering.
I ended up taking in a deep breath.
And I looked at the piano in depth.

And I began to play again. My fingers started gliding.
All of my emotions are released. Colliding.
The tone shifts. I can hear the audience weep.
As everything breaks through the seep.

Everyone squealed
When they found out I had a shield.
Before you came to me, I was adrift.
Blackness surrounded me. But you came to give me a lift.
Now, when they look at me, they laugh.
The sounds they make, splitting my confidence in half.
But then you’re there, by my side.
You’re there, even after my self-esteem died.

One day, I found you on the ground.
You were beaten. ******. The sight made my heart drown.
Your voice quivered as you spoke. You asked me so many questions as I held you.
Some of them, I lacked the answers to.
Your warmth. The sound of your breathing. It was all perfect.
I knew it then, you were something I had to protect.

Whenever I’m feeling down, you’re there to make things better.
Today, you wrapped me up in a sweater.
It’s warm and I close my eyes. Savor the moment.
You’re standing in front of me, putting up ornaments.

I guess I forgot. Christmas is coming soon.
I’m supposed to give you your present this afternoon.
Before I know it, the moment’s arrived.
I walk towards you, prepping for the surprise.

When I show you it, your face changes for a while.
There was no mistaking it. A smile.

Is it weird
To miss someone
You’ve never met?

Everywhere I go, I feel judged by people.
When I talk, I feel that people won’t understand what I say.
Maybe my voice is too deep. Or it just sounds stupid.
So I never talk. I close myself off.
I guess that’s why I don’t have any friends.

When I share my writing, I’m scared.
What if it’s garbage?
That’s why I don’t share it. Nobody will like it anyway.
When I share for feedback, all I get is the same thing:
“I like it.”
…But what did you like about it? It’s so unclear.
That’s why I don’t improve. What am I supposed to improve on if I don’t know?

Judgment is terrifying to me.
How can anyone do all these things without fear?
Giving presentations, standing in front of crowds…
It just makes me all sweaty. My heart palpitates.
How is so easy for everyone else to get themselves out there?
…Maybe, it isn’t Maybe everyone else is just as scared as I am.
Or maybe, they just do things, not caring at all about what anyone says.

I think I should do that too.

Silence screams
Within my dreams
I bury my thoughts in my mind
A place that no one can find
Why would anyone bother?
Even if they did, it wouldn’t make me any more calmer
It’s so dark here.
I feel something, a presence. The end is near.
It arrives with no warning. A black hole.
It’s come to swallow me whole
I get pulled in, the current too strong
I try swimming away, but the suffering will only prolong
So I let the force of the current take me
And I know exactly what my fate will be.

I drown.

And wake up from that horrible dream
Everything…was so extreme.
My heart is beating wildly
And my hands are shaking mildly.
All is silent save for my heavy breaths
My thoughts are jumbled, too complex.
It’s quiet here. Too quiet.
If I don’t do something soon, my mind will riot.
So then, I decide to break the hold of the dream.
And I shatter the deafening silence with a scream.

During the day, I don a mask
One I wear to hide my past
There are so many people around, yet I don’t talk
What else am I to do but gawk?
When I look around, everyone is in a herd
I want to join in, but can’t find the words
Every day, I’m lost in thought
Trying to find this answer I’ve sought

They say I’m nothing, they say I don’t talk
They say I’m a downer, that all I do is walk
with my head pointed at the ground
All of these people laughing whenever I’m around
It just ****** me off
All I want to to do is scoff
I’m sick of everything I do being overblown
I just want to be left alone.

But…when I am alone
When I’m left on my own.
I weep.
My tears, finally dripping through the seeps.
And I feel something, through all this grief.
A sweet burst of…relief.
This is the other mask I wear
The one that no one sees, because they don’t care.