One, two, three
What the **** is wrong with me

Four, five, six
I think my mind is kinda sick

Seven, eight, nine
Pretending that it will be just fine

Ten, eleven, twelve
Into my past, please dare not delve

Thirteen, fourteen, fifteen
My life's obscene

Sixteen, seventeen, eighteen
A ******* crime scene

Nineteen, twenty,
On the ground my blood is plenty

The framed sign where I work says "smile it's time to be happy"
I see it every single day, it's so freaking sappy
I look at it in disgust
A simple sign that means so much

It reminds me of all I want, but can't obtain
Everyday it leaves me feeling a bit more drained
A bit more inhumane, a bit more broken
It's sad how it makes me feel, this simple token

Somedays I want to rip it off the wall
I'll just tell them it got broke in the fall
Other days I pray it will come true
Then I would be happy just like you

But still there it hangs
And every day it says the same
Made to endure it's mocking words
I know to others my rant seems so absurd

But in the belly of the beast it's impossible to smile
When drowning in all this bile

You act as if you hadn't a clue
You act as if I hadn't talked to you
You act as if I hadn't tried till in the face I was blue

I did, I tried
I did, but you only sighed
I did,rivers of tears I cried

Why are you such a *******
Why is your agony dispread
Why did you not listen and ended up mislead

I beckoned you to come near
I beckoned you so I could make it clear
I beckoned you but you only looked at me with that sneer

So I let you do it your own way
So I let you become the prey
So I let you crumble in just mere days

Now i'll just set and watch
Now I'll just set while all of it you botch
Now I'll just set as you make another notch

If only you had not just listened but heard
If only you hadn't let things get so blurred
If only you hadn't acted so absurd

I sat and I watched you expire
I sat and I watched as your situation got dire
I sat and I watched as you set yourself on fire

Easter man
Can you loan me a gram
This is not the time to take a stand
Put some of that **** in my hand
With it I will sift through time's sands
Letting my mind expand
As I pace back and forth over these lands
Please don't misunderstand
It's only what the monster commands
This was completely unplanned
Now my ship is unmanned

Two seedlings grow up on the same plot of land
Wonderful black soil, not loose sand
So their roots gripped deep, so tall they could stand
So face to face they grew, each one knowing the other
As they shot up, their love soon bloomed one for another
They so longed to touch and entangle
With their branches they wanted to hold and mingle
And all the way to their roots they wanted to feel the tingle
Their love grew strong, and so did their trunks
They were watered and cared for each day by the monks
And the years slipped by when one final hour
Their branches could touch with a little wind power
A few more years slipped by and they now could embrace
And they were happy they had been planted face to face
They stood for centuries happy and content in their place
Sadly they thought that this bliss would last forever
All life problems they swore to endeavor
They held each other through storms and sunny weather
Until one day his roots grew weaker
With every passing year their situation grew bleaker
One night a storm blew in and their situation was dire
The wind blew him over and lightning set him on fire
She lost some branches trying to hold on to him
She knew deep down to her sap that now her life would be grim
Without him by her side she started to cry
And with every eternal year that crept by
Her limbs no longer reached for the sky but drooped down to the ground
Cuz that is now where his charred remains could be found
She reached for him with every single limb
Her weeping went on each day of the sorrowful years she was filled to the brim
The monks took care of her but they could feel her great sorrow
They prayed everyday that she would stand strong till tomorrow
One day an old monk took a close look at the tree
And decided the pain had changed her so much that her name now is different by decree
So my child when you lay your tired head on your pillow
Remember her and all her seedlings are now the weeping willow
She's there to remind us of the loss of great love
That not even her seedlings could rise above

The roofers are done with their day
So off they went on their way
But they left somethings behind
And wouldn't you know I'd find
When in the open box I took a look
And my hands they sure shook
I picked it up and put it down twice
**** my favorite vice
But I made a promise, so the Boxcutter had to stay
It was better that way
But I wrung my hands
The thoughts in my head where all crammed
As I paced back and forth
Like a tethered race horse
But your only as good as your word
Over all the other voices in my head was heard
My grandfather was a wise man
So like always on those words I'll stand
Done with my work day
I just walked away
I didn't make that awful slip
But my hands on the wheel had a tight grip
I wanted to do 80 but i could only do 65
Another promise that today would survive

This world is filled with to much pain
Like a vampire it just ***** and drains
It's hard to stand tall under all the strain
I find myself once more sinking below
Like hot molten tar, it won't let me go

Despair spreading faster than a cancer
For all my questions there is no answer
I really don't know what the **** to do
As my soul is ripped in two

My tears keep sliding the mask down my face
As misery and sorrow interlace
Everywhere I go I leave a river of anguish behind
As memories of my life, flood my mind

It'd leave you terrified if you could look and find
All the things that I do hide
Behind my fake facade
For I am much more than odd

For I am the definition of sorrow
Of all things hollow
Painted with the brush of dark mystery
I am the picture of misery
I'm the cautionary tale
The elders, use to exhale
I am the woeful song
That in this world doesn't belong

Down into the belly of the earth
Burned to the core to prove my worth
Cleansed or consumed,  we'll soon know the end to my story
Whatever the outcome, there will be no glory
This universe is in full ******* control
Watch as it pushes me deeper down below

Go ahead and drink your hateraid
There is not one **** to be gave
All the hateful things you thought was said
Was only the voices in your head

You turn every word upside down
As a victim you want to be crowned
But we are the victim of your thoughts
In your mind it all gets tossed

The helping hand that we extend
Gets lost as your minds bends
Everything ment for good into black
Till the bridge is in flames, no going back

As you scream out your sarcasm
It only makes to widen the chasm
Then you cry "I have no friends"
You play the victim to the end

So burn your bridges, blow them up
Just don't come yapping at me like a little pup
Maybe one day you'll act grownup
Before someone makes you drink from your own cup

Two seedlings grow up on the same plot of land
Wonderful black soil, not loose sand
So their roots gripped deep, so tall they could stand
So face to face they grew, each one knowing the other
As they shot up, their love soon bloomed one for another

They so longed to touch and entangle
With their branches they wanted to hold and mingle
And all the way to their roots they wanted to feel the tingle

Their love grew strong, and so did their trunks
They were watered and cared for each day by the monks
And the years slipped by when one final hour
Their branches could touch with a little wind power

A few more years slipped by and they now could embrace
And they were happy they had been planted face to face
They stood for centuries happy and content in their place

Sadly they thought that this bliss would last forever
All life problems they swore to endeavor
They held each other through storms and sunny weather
Until one day his roots grew weaker
With every passing year their situation grew bleaker

One night a storm blew in and their situation was dire
The wind blew him over and lightning set him on fire
She lost some branches trying to hold on to him
She knew deep down to her sap that now her life would be grim

Without him by her side she started to cry
And with every eternal year that crept by
Her limbs no longer reached for the sky but drooped down to the ground
Cuz that is now where his charred remains could be found

She reached for him with every single limb
Her weeping went on each day of the sorrowful years she was filled to the brim
The monks took care of her but they could feel her great sorrow
They prayed everyday that she would stand strong till tomorrow

One day an old monk took a close look at the tree
And decided the pain had changed her so much that her name now is different by decree

So my child when you lay your tired head on your pillow
Remember her and all her seedlings are now the weeping willow

She's there to remind us of the loss of great love
That not even her seedlings could rise above

All alone
The seed was sewn
The **** has grown
Close to the bone
I've been dethroned
Turned to sandstone

Watch me crumble
Everything I bumble
So very humble
Everything I fumble
I just mumble
My thoughts are jumbled

My mind is cracked
There's no coming back
I'm afraid I slacked
So much I lack
A joker not a jack
A punch in the back

No wings, can't fly
Only look at the sky
Soulless eyes
Slowly dies
No tears to cry
Into the pan to fry

Please excuse me for my days of doubt
On these days I have to write it out

Otherwise these feelings stay inside
Get down in my soul and hide

Then eat away all my will
In this these feelings are very skilled

The foster thoughts of death and release
They are definitely a cunning thief

But when I write on these days, it's not for sympathy
It's just to get out all the intensity

Two broken souls
Trying to make each other whole
They were quite a mess when they found each other
Each had lived through torment, one after another

Her body was full of scars, just trying to maintain
His heart had been trampled and drained
They gave each other their own heart
They found it filled in all the parts

And together they were whole
They were connected, soul to soul

Her with all her worries of the future
He always tried to hush and nurture
He would slay all her demons and doubt
She showed him what true love was all about

They loved each other so
Like they had known each other long ago
They lived joyfully for many many years
There was only ever joyful tears
Until that one horribly sad day
The Lord took her away

On that day his true love died
He just wanted to be by her side
He just seemed to wither away
Without her by his side he didn't want to stay

Soon after he passed too
Even in death his true love he would pursue
They say he died of a broken heart
But I know it was because she had his missing parts

I was born a step out of time
One verse short of a line
One word short of a rhyme

With this world I do not jive
A worker bee without a hive
And all I hear is lie upon lie

I'm not sure exactly where I belong
I hope my life will not be prolonged
Untill that day I'll just keep singing my sorrowful song

I won't need to rehearse
In human kind I've seen the worst
And my life seems to be cursed

Yesterday is dead and gone, tomorrow may not come
Lets go out and have some fun, come on and get you some
It is no relationship, just the here and now
We should live it up, I'm a monster on the prowl

If only, you was here with me
If only, every humane was truly free
If only, I could have a baby
If only, I hadn't been slowly driven crazy
If only, our love was still strong
If only, the surgery hadn't went wrong
If only, you didn't live so far away
If only, I had the right words to say
If only, we were not at war
If only, I wasn't a ****** looking for a score
If only, that car hadn't crossed lanes
If only, I was still the same
If only, cancer had a cure
If only, I was an entrepreneur
If only, my car hadn't broke down
If only, he had scored that touchdown
If only, you would come back
If only, my world wasn't painted black
If only, I could go back in time
If only, life was sublime
If only, you hadn't got sick
If only, I was a magician with wonderful tricks
If only, I was rich
If only, with your life I could switch
If only, you truly where in love
If only, I could fly like a dove
If only, you hadn't died
If only, I hadn't lied
If only, I could be famous
If only, we could sit and reminisce
If only, my heart would have never heen broken
If only, the truth was spoken
If only, I had told you how I felt
If only, a better hand I was dealt
If only, we never had to grow old
If only, the future I controlled
If only Eve hadn't eaten that apple and comited the first sin
If only.......... is a simple longing, heart felt wish, for what could've, would've, should've, might've been

Suffocated by agony, dazed with confusion
Stuck in reality, that I'd druther be an illusion
Skinned alive, right straight down to raw emotion
Not a save harbor to be found, on my life's raging ocean
A living oxymoron, I'm raw to the touch but inside hollow
How much more will I be forced to swollow

I must be looking mighty strong
See the universe, keep piling it on
Can't anybody at all tell
Still in the middle of my living hell
Birds tweeting like nothings wrong
Mocking me with their sweet song

How much longer will I stand in front of life's curtain
Knowing only pain and sorrow are for certain
Drowning in the deepest darkest grief
Innocence, love, joy, and sanity, stolen by the thief
How much longer will it be till that final decision
Before it's made, that final incision

I must be looking mighty strong
See the universe, keep piling it on
Can't anybody at all tell
Still in the middle of my living hell
Birds tweeting like nothings wrong
Mocking me with their sweet song

Only a shadow of what I could of been
Being made to atone for mine and other's sin
I've tasted on my lips everything that could mar
Inside and out I wear the battle scars
Should I step behind the final veil
Slice myself out if this prison cell


©Pauline Russell

Love lies bleeding on the floor
I'm not gonna pick it up any more
I done everything I can do
Even took your demons from you

I'm tired of your dead set eyes
And you reply
Ok
I feel like I'm in your way
You don't want me to stay
You don't want me to say
I LOVE YOU!!
So I'll go away like you want me to

But don't look for me, I won't be there
You couldn't show me you care
Your to caught up in your self
And I'm not gonna just sit on your shelf
Just for you to take down and play with
Maybe you will get the drift

I'll always care
But this was more than I could bear

Walking on a sheet of glass
Each step brings spider web cracks
How much longer will it hold
Just how far will it let me go
Some days I tread lightly
Hoping it will crack just slightly
But days like today I jump
Ready to test out my luck
Really hoping it will shatter
So on the rocks below I splatter
But of course it held
So I'll just stand and yell
Till someone hears my cry
And rescues me form the sky
And my growing wish to die

We sat underneath the stars that night
In your warm embrace you held me tight
You pretended that you loved me so
That's how it always seems to go

You should of told me your truths
Gotten straight to the roots
That you only wanted me for a time
You didn't have to make me belive you were mine

I still would of treated you kind
You didn't have to make me look and find
That it was only lies that you told
Piece of my shattered heart that you sold

You didn't need the star's light
To make what you wanted feel so right
I still need human touch
I still would of laid down in your clutch

You didn't have to get me starry eyed
But you went and lied
For just a few days of pleasure
I still might of shown you my hidden treasure

You didn't have to pretend
Leave me heart broken once again
You didn't have to enter trough my heart
You didn't have to ******* apart

I'm in self destruct mode
I'm about to explode
Stand back folks, watch the show

I'll drink like a fish without any gills
Don't try to figure out all my ills
As I swallow down a handful of pills

This self destruction I will not fight
Hell, I don't even remember last night
Needless to say, my head's not right

Slam some Jack and his old friend Jim
I'm seeing double and it's getting dim
I think I just might be on the rim

I'm in self destruct
Please over look my conduct
As more pieces of my being, I must deduct

Parts of me must die
It hurts, so I'll do it on high
Body on the ground, spirit's in the sky

Feet firmly planted in self destruction grind
Like a vampire craving the sunshine
If you look now, you'd be horrified at what you find

Needles in vains
Like pills down the drain
Anything to stay insane

I'm in self destruct mode
I'm about to explode
Stand back folks, watch the show

With all of his story he was gonna tell
There was an uneasy silence that fell
I could feel the breath in his chest swell
With the leather squeaking he turned in the saddle, "now it's time for your story to sell"

With a glint of hatred in my eyes, I quickly gave a summary
Of my life and my misery
For part of my life even for me was still a mystery

I told of my mothers ****
She couldn't stand to look at my face
And how I was passed from place to place

The frightened wide eyes of a child
That after being defiled
By every gypsy man
Till she could no longer stand
Then the steel, heated yellow, red hot tip they left the symbol brands

That left my skin burnt and marked with evil but it didn't sink below
For empathy was the true curse on my soul

I told him I studied hard and now had great power
I could disembowl, I could make it come a blood and gut shower
But my heart and soul have to much compassion, so insteed I just cower

In my woods where no one would go
And myself to no human I had to show
"Why did you kight ventured into my woods"I want to know

"I need to know why I am now hunted with you
If we leave this beautiful evil steed, will they stop the peruse
There is a quest of my own I want to do"

He replied "No my beautiful hearted witch they will not"
At his words my heart seemed to stop
And to my knees I almost droped

No one exspeacally a man
Had ever said anything so grand
It made my legs week, hard to stand
He looked deep into my eyes and took my hand

Which of course I snatched away
I could not belive the things he did say
Besides it was begaining to break day

We found a cave in which to rest
To sleep in the day and travel by night would be best
For the veil evil couldn't stand the sun, or at lest that was my guess

As we lay down on the moss covered stones
He touched my hand again, and from my lips escaped a moan
My feelings for him had grown

As we laid there in the cool cave, winter far behind
And in the heat of the day this coolness was hard to find
I was starting to see this knight as one of a kind

I just had to ask, "What about your wife"
He gave me a look of sadness and grief, that cut like a knife

"She had died giving birth
My son was the only one I had left on this earth
With his death my life has no worth"

He stretched out his hand and stroked my ravin hair
A look come over his face like he didn't have a care
"Please my beautiful witch come here"

He pulled me closer, I put my hands on his chest
I made a feeble attempt to push away, but his hand was now on my breast
And he started to caress

He took off my cowl and kissed every inch
At every brand and scar I would flinch
We made love to the song of a finch

He was so gentle so kind
I rested my head it on his chest I could hear his heart beat, he said it was mine
We slept tangled up with each other until it was time

We awoke just before sunset, I picked some roots and berries
And pack some for us to carry
I smiled as I thought of how his chest was so hairy

As we set down to eat
I knew there was more to his feat
Than just steeling that horse
So more questions I had of course

I just had to ask "what is it you plan to do with this black creature
With it's dark seeded nature
Being it's greatest feature"

So he explained what it was that he did need
The horse's great speed
Because on top of that steed

He could chase down the white dragon LEANA to catch it
The part he was trying to omit
Was killing that wonderful creature, he thought it was only way, he finally had to admit

"What do you need so badly from this great dragon, it's gold?"
I stomped over to him my finger poking he's breastplate "are you really that cold"
He backed up violently shaking his head no

"What I need is one of her rib bones
It's part of a legend that is unknown"

"With it I can fashion a sword
That will imprison the dark lord"

"With it lodged in his side
He can never again come outside
In he's fiery hell hole he'll have to hide"

I sat down and cried

There has to be another way
than killing such a wondrous creature
There has to be another procedure

On the futuristic cartoon the Jetsons
They had phones with projections
I thought it was so grand
That in front of that screen they could stand
And see who they where talking to
What a wonderful thing to be able to do

Now it is common place
Our loved ones face
Can travel through space
It shrinks the miles that separate
And I think that's just great

Now we can Skype
And all of that like
We can take our phone
And bring loved ones along as we roam
It's almost like them being home
And on and on we can drone
Or our imagination we can flex
And even have cyber ***

I hope who created it was inspired
By the thoughts they acquired
By watching that simple cartoon
Because it brought us all a little more attuned

You won't catch me in a crowded space
I don't do well with the human race
All their endless chatter
Over things that don't really matter
All those people in just one space
All of those people, face upon face
Makes my heart just pound and race

I'm not antisocial, I have my small circle
But stupid is way to fertile
And with each generation they seem to get dimmer
There seems to be no hope not even a glimmer

If you don't believe, just sit back and watch at the mall
There use to be a few now their numbers aren't small
I blame the government, and our schools
Just push them through forget the golden rules

So please don't put me on the spot
Where there are a lot of people I won't be caught
First is anxiety, fallowed quickly by panic
At times it is quite manic

Your best bet to find me is where it's quiet
That's the way I like it
Out in the woods, it improves my mood
Because animals only **** for food
Unlike like us human fools
We are in a sad state, the human gene pool

Always in the demons jaws
Or in their claws
Here's the knife take a slice, take a bite
Start with innocence and all that's right
Next is the heart, cut it out
No need to shout
Bleed me dry
No need to cry
No need to try
**** the soul
Do it slow
Watch the blackness flow
Turn me into a monster
Where only anger and agony foster
The innocent little girl, I lost her

Waves of sadness keep roll over me
Unshed tears stings my eyes, can't see
Life is looking so grim
It has me standing on the rim

One foot balancing on the razors edge
Other foot over the ledge
Looking down into the silent abyss
Falling forward, leavening behind all of this

That is my sweet hidden dream
Some of you will know what I mean
I'm tired of the waging war, the constant battle
Being herded along like cattle
One catastrophe on top of another
Until they pile up and smother

I can no longer breathe
My anger just seethes
I can no longer be
Will anyone see
I can no longer stand
Please someone take my hand
I'm about to snap
There'll be no coming back

You make happiness look so easy to achieve
It almost makes me believe
That there might be Something more for me
But we where dealt different cards
My problems fiercely followed and bombard
In this harsh game called life
I was dealt from the straight blade knife

Human monster's never claimed you in your youth
Your parents love was only there to sooth
A warm family and many friends
Always greeted you with warm hugs and grins
You never knew loss, only wins
You never seen the circling of shark fins

Don't get me wrong, I don't begrudge your happy life
I'm glad the universe with you had no gripe
I only ask you don't judge where I stand
For human monsters have always had my hand
Dragging me into their agonizing lands
Till I was foever stuck in depressions quicksand

I would just like for you to acknowledge my pain is real
I'm not feeling sorry for myself, this darkness is sealed
It's not make belive in my head, it's the scars on my heart, in my memories, on my skin
The monsters keep coming there is no end

We where delt from diffrent decks
We are nothing but universal specks
You were dealt better cards
Mine from the start was marred
I don't judge or envy you
I don't want sympathy, all I ask is you give me the respect I'm due

What do you dream of when you close your eyes
What do you truly dream of when you take off your disguise

What is it that makes your heart quicken
What is it that will make you blood thicken

What gets you moving and going on you way
What helps you to survive another day



What do you do when all your dreams have died
What do you do when they no longer dance before your eyes

What can you do when there's no thoughts when you sleep
What can you do when the hole it left is to steep

If all your dreams die what motivates you then
If all your dreams end how do you get up time and again

Are all dreams ment to die
Are they ment to dissolve into the sky

Up, down, turn around
Please don't let me hit the ground
It's to late, you all ready missed
Feeling like I don't exist
Been laying here in my bed for days
Counting down the ways
Of how to let go, or should I stay
The number count is growing high
Of the many ways to die
The argument to stay is small
Finally at the bottom of the fall
There is no getting up again
I'm to weak within this skin
This hole is deeper than the rest
The walls slick with oil, who would've guessed
Me that's who
There seems to be nothing I can do
Not this time, not by myself
I need some help
But they all ran away, sickened by the sight
Of a twisted corpse still trying to fight
Guess I'll just lay here and try to find some peace
But that will happen after they find it in the Middle East
I'm just tired and can't carry on
So I'll just lay here till I'm gone

I sit and listen to the crickets melancholy tune
I watch the moon start to bloom
The stars pirouette across the sky
Soon the frogs are croaking in relpy
Fireflies light up the night
Flickering their golden light

A single wolf starts to howl
As if to ask the age old question how
I ended up so lonely
And where's my one and only

My dog is sitting at me feet
She looks up at me as if to say, nothing here is off beat
In the cool of the evening
the honeysuckle is smelling much sweeter
Than in the day under the sun's heater

The moths flutter around on silent wings
My heart is so light it just sings
I just sit here for hours dreaming
Under the moon that now is just beaming

My dog gets up and moves to the door
I look at my watch it's way past four
She's ready for the foot of my comfy bed
So I oblige, and make my way inside,and lay down my weary head

I scurried from my moss covered resting place
I was in a panic I needed to see the deamons face
So I would know what was giving chase

I looked deep within the dying fire, "show me goddess Theia the one that follows"
At first the vision was very shallow, so hollow
But then I seen it, and it filled me with sorrow

Because all I could see was the Cerberus
It had the scent of me, the sorcerers
Quickly trying to decide our best courses

It's blue-black body glimmering in the moonlight
Huge muscles gliding effortlessly, such a beautiful scary sight
It's three huge heads, teeth snapping, a true drooling fright

Leaving a trail like a scent, wafting in the air, was my spells
It was time to make haste this much I could tell
We will both be dead and torn savagely apart if I fail

With the snap of my fingers the leaves dew fell on the knight
Waking him with a sudden fright
"We must leave here you're to weak to fight"

Shaking the sleep from he's head
A quick look at me, he could see my dread
He silently stomped out the fire, no words from his lips said

He grabbed the reins of the evil ones steed
He gracefully lept on and pulling me on, off at top speed
But that devilish horse ran towards the evil one, He would not heed

I must think quick, this horse I must enchant
Into it's mind a seed I must plant
So I start a simple powerful chant

"Demon steed
Feel the need
To out run, succeed
From the hellish hound top speed"

With my constant chant, the demon spun horse turned around
And just in time, I seen the heads of the wicked hound
Along with the chant I whisper a prayer to Moirai to change our fate, we had been found

It's time I dance among the stars
To let the firflylies out of their jars

It's time I bask in the moon lights glow
To sail that boat through the cosmic flow

It's time to let go of the heartache and sorrow
To hold tight to every tomorrow

It's time to roll with every new stumble
To not let the past make me tumble

It's time to quit holding my breath
To stop following the dance of death

It's time turn in my tickets to that show
To just let all the bad thoughts go

Yes, it's time to dance around the stars
Yes, you'll find me skinny dipping in the oceans on Mars

I laid my head down last night to rest
I started feeling quiet distressed
For the voices did transgress
Screaming "your life is such a mess"
Making my brain feel like an abscess
In my memory I start to regress

Leaving me in a cold sweat
Trying to live my life is like playing roulette
The wheel I spin
But I never win
All I can think of is all the regret
How my soul is now only a silhouette

Finally asleep
Though not to keep
My nightmares start to creep
My memories start to leak
Showing why I'm the black sheep
The freak

This life is always causing me pain
It sifts through my brain
With my emotions it plays it's game
Is it God or the universe, are they the same

Is it chance or fate
That leaves me at this gate
I can't escape
There will be no hero in a cape

For in the dark, nightmares ensues
By day they still pursues
I pick up the pieces, I try to glue
All the time looking for a clue

In this darkness ment to stand
Only seeing brighter lands

The light I did pursue
But the dark it did ensue
Though I ran with all my might
The darkness remained right by my side

It remained like a moonless night
No guiding light
To alumminate my flight
It wasn't right
The darkness I could not fight

In this darkness ment to stand
Only seeing brighter lands

The Sun glistening through the trees
I could almost feel the breeze
It brought me to my knees
To pray to a God that doesn't see

He's left me to all the fears
He's never near
He's made it clear
This God only listens with a deafened ear

In this darkness ment to stand
Only seeing brighter lands

I am the sheep lost in the dark
My soul it has no spark
Only sound, song of the lark
To my voice no one will hark

Please take my eyes, I no longer want to see
The nothingness in front of me
I beg of you, I plea
Imprisoned in the dark, left groping for a key

In this darkness left to stan
Forced to see the brighter lands

You look surprised that you were gorged
By that little beast, that *****
All along you knew she was a *****
Hell, on her back it's plainly  stamped

So now your stuck upon her horns
In her clutches  of sharpened thorns
As piece by piece, she'll take you apart
You'll know when she's done, you'll be missing your heart

You put physically beauty, before the beauty in the heart
So you got exactly what you sought

I watch and I snicker
Because your cranium was thicker
Than the words that I said
Not a syllable reached a brain cell in that head

I don't feel a twinge of guilt
You can live in what you built
I'll watch it crumble down
With a smile on my lips, as you are forced to wear that crown.

If I die what does it matter
I am already scattered
My minds not here, my heart is shattered
All you see is an empty shell
That by the way has gone through hell

So you can judge on first glance
Before you know me, or give me a chance
I don't really care, they all do
It doesn't reflect on me but you

I know what I am, I'm deppresed and splintered
Upon this bed of torture I've been rendered
Countless times, by countless monsters
Thats how my madness was fostered

So judge my sadness if you want
Or why my face looks so gaunt
You've not been where I have been
And you've not seen what I have seen
True monsters walk this earth
And to me they have given birth

Besides the screams and panic
Besides people becoming maniac
Was the most haunting of sound ever heard
It was more haunting than any word
It was the continuous ringing cellphones of the dead
You could hear in the ring the realization and dread

Always in the demons jaws
Or in their claws
Here's the knife take a slice, take a bite
Start with innocence and all that's right
Next is the heart, cut it out
No need to shout
Bleed me dry
No need to cry
No need to try
**** the soul
Do it slow
Watch the blackness flow
Turn me into a monster
Where only anger and agony foster
The innocent little girl, I lost her

Let me lie my head upon your chest
Allow me to take a little rest
Wrap your arms around me tight
I'm weak and weary from the fight

In your arms
Finding the charms
Voices are calm
No sounding alarms

For just a moment, the world slips away
I found Heaven on this day
The soothing sound of your heart beat
Warmth and security, it's such a treat

Worries all gone
No clanging gong
With nothing wrong
Only the heartbeats song

In brief seconds, you let me believe
There's more to this world than what I see
The moment slides by way to fast
Your light is fading, shadows are cast

Time to go
I sink below
Seeds you sow
Demons still show

Can't wait till your in my presence  tomorrow
You chase away all demons and sorrow
The rest of my life I will remember your smile
Wonder if you'll know, you was my hero all the while

©Pauline Russell

You carry with you a blackened sky
Not everyone can see it, but it's in your eyes
It's in the very heart of your being
I hear the sorrowful song your singing
You hide it well
Your personal hell
But I have my own, I can tell
I can feel your pain's tide ebb and swell
It threatens to pull you under
I too hear that thunder
We are creatures connected by darkness
The beast of Hell have marked us
You try to hide this from the world
As your life spirals and whirls
It's exhausting, I know for a fact
For everday your taken aback
Living life under that blackened sky
You can hide it, except from your eyes

Just hang me on a hook
Everyone has already took
Hang me with the other tools
But please, don't mistake me for a fool

I really didn't mind
Giving to others my time
For when you look, you'll find
It's the ONLY thing that's worth a dime

There really wasn't a day
That I didn't give pieces of myself way
I tried, I did all I could
Never caring I'd be misunderstood

I really was quite amused
When others thought I was being used
I don't regret how my time was spent
Or those that came and went

This is the saddest day
I can give no more of myself away
Now I'll just sit and wait
See what is in my fate

Will others let me drink from their cup
Fill my spirt back up
Fill the pieces in
Let me sing again

Or will I hang on this hook and rust
Slowly turning to dust
I don't care either way
I fought for every single day

I stumbled, often fell
Ran into walls as well
But I always fought, gave it hell
I tried to spend my time well
On things that truly mattered
I was thought of as crazy like the Mad Hatter

They just didn't know
The meaning of life, how it goes

Don't be selfish with yourself or your time, joyfully give it away
Walking into future with faith and hope someone, someday
Will give pieces of themselves to you
When your season is due

I never was warned
Now I'm stuck on the horns

I'm burning in the fire
Stuck in the mire

Each choice will pierce
This decision is fierce

This situation is dire
My brain is going haywire

It's about to expire
What an awful quagmire

The universe against me is conspiring
With all it guns locked and loaded, it's firing

It's aiming straight at my heart, my head
I swear it wants me dead

Such an enigma
On the horns of a dilemma

The rain it pitter patters
Against my window splatters
And the only thing that really matters

Is your not here with me
It's like the sky could see
And started crying so soft and slowly

It hasn't stopped raining for years
I'm slowly becoming one with the mud
Left all alone to drown in my tears
Or maybe it's blood
Either why I'm being consumed, my body just disappears
In this angry raging flood
Of anguished emotion, and fear
I will surely never be found under all of this crud

Please someone rescue me
I fear I will never be put back togeather again
Flailing in this turbulent sea
Will mayhem always reign
Will my demons ever let me be
Shattered under the strain
Please I begging someone hear my plea
Come and rescue me!!

My living corpse walked on
Walking in the perpetual dawn
Of all the things that have gone wrong
This is the wish that I will sound
I hope my body's never found
And I just melt back into the ground

Last night I watched the storm
The flashing of lightning that lit up the sky
The rumbling of thunder that shook my floor
Then every softly at first the beat of the rain
like the rhythm of a drum
It grew more intense, the wind joined in
So much lightning made my room look like day
The rain was so deafening like the drums of mad men
It was all so beautifully violent
I couldn't help but look on in awe
The chaos of it all pulled at my being
Till I had no choice but to go out and join in
The wind driven rain penetrated my skin
The lightning and thunder electorfied my soul
For a few split secounds I was alive again

If you ever wake up in a hug yourself jacket
Dress in all white, feeling like a maggot
Don't worry about the fall
The room will be padded after all

The bright light will not let you hide
You'll have wished you'd of died
As they **** and they poke
And your anger they'll provoke

So they can hook you up and electrify your mind
So you can forget the memories they find
There will be no more dark clouds
They will no longer be allowed

Inside your cranium
Their will be no more delirium
Take the little pills they give
They say you need them to live

They will have hollowed you out
No more need to shout
Because once you where a dark horse
Now They made you into a living corpse

I laid on my bed and watched the storms last night
Seeing the beautiful lightning such a wonderful sight
I didn't even mind being there alone
I guess the loneliness I've out grown

The lightning struck so much my room was contant noon
And the thunder just kept rolling like one melodious tone

I lay across my bed
With the window at my head
I love the fragrant smell
When the storms give it hell

I watched it storm for hours
Wishing I could draw upon it's powers
Just how awesome would that be
To have people cower before me

I dreamed all night long of storms and thunder
It tore my dreams asunder
But in the morning light they where gone
And now I can't wait for them again to come along

What haunts my dreams
It's the monsters, those rabid things

Monsters disguise themselves so well
When they put on their human shell
You can't hardly tell
That under the skin a monster dwells

Yes my child monsters are real
On your soul they'll make a meal
Your spirit they will steal
Make it so you'll never heal

Once they get ahold
They'll never let you go

They well continue to dwell in your dreams
As they stomp around, those rabid things

I hear you there outside my walls
I hear your hiss, I hear your growls
I hear the distance mournful calls
Like the haunting hoot of the owls
I seen the darkest angels fall
For pain that has no words, the wolf only howls

On this very darkest night
When the eye in the sky has become blind
Your shadow darts in and out of my sight
Slowly, methodical you nibble at the fringes of my mind
My eyes dance with fright like the candle's light
This feeling if terror is unfeigned

I can feel your scales slowly scrap against my siding
Your hollow glowing eyes peering in my window
In my inky room scarcely breathing, hiding
For I had seen you that cold day in August devour my Hero
Your continuously morphing shapes is Terrifying
Stuck here between death and living, is truly limbo

The crisp fall leaves rustle as you pace
My Hero now gone, in sorrow I'm swept away
You made sure I'd be all alone in this unholy place
I'll dwell in your clutch of sorrow and darkness, till my last day
With certainty I know the last thing in life I'll see is your face
For eyes that once sparkled, once danced, now dead, clouded gray