One empty surfboard out on the water
One empty board no soul survivor
Just floating out there
A silent reminder

Welcome to her house of many bones
Step into one of life's great unknowns
With broken dreams and shattered heart
In this carnival of freaks she is apart
For the price of a ticket you can see
All the horror, and agony there could ever be

All we ask is to put down your stones
On the left is a kingless throne
No love was ever ment to stay
I don't know why, it's just that way
On your left is the dreams that's died
Where want and reality did collide

In the next room you will find
All the demons that are in her mind
Young man, please step back
These demons will, and do attack
On her arm's you'll see the scars
Made with their talon like sharpened claws

Please don't dottle, let's hurry along
This sad little journey we don't want to prolong
Up next you'll find
Human monsters of every kind
They all wear a clever disguise
You won't even see them unless your wise

Of the shadow men take no heed
Off the sorrow they just feed
The closets doors all are open wide
Not one skeleton does she hide
Please don't be scared, please don't shout
The are free to dance about

Last but not lest I want to show
What happens when the anguish grows
Tormented by years of unbridled strife
In the coffin lies her pitiful life
It's not her body, for she is the walking dead
Heart in taters, screams echoing in her head
Eyes opened wide with years of dread

The light and happiness are always there mocking
You'll find her over there in the corner rocking
Yes she had to be restrained
In the straitjacket she will remain
It's for your safety, not hers
For the pain she endures
Is not for weak amateurs

Exit on the right
Single file, please don't fight
Enjoy the rest of the attractions
We guarantee a hundred percent satisfaction
Unless in this carnival of woeful souls you are captured
Then your only hope will be the rapture

I hear you there outside my walls
I hear your hiss, I hear your growls
I hear the distance mournful calls
Like the haunting hoot of the owls
I seen the darkest angels fall
For pain that has no words, the wolf only howls

On this very darkest night
When the eye in the sky has become blind
Your shadow darts in and out of my sight
Slowly, methodical you nibble at the fringes of my mind
My eyes dance with fright like the candle's light
This feeling if terror is unfeigned

I can feel your scales slowly scrap against my siding
Your hollow glowing eyes peering in my window
In my inky room scarcely breathing, hiding
For I had seen you that cold day in August devour my Hero
Your continuously morphing shapes is Terrifying
Stuck here between death and living, is truly limbo

The crisp fall leaves rustle as you pace
My Hero now gone, in sorrow I'm swept away
You made sure I'd be all alone in this unholy place
I'll dwell in your clutch of sorrow and darkness, till my last day
With certainty I know the last thing in life I'll see is your face
For eyes that once sparkled, once danced, now dead, clouded gray

You keep on slipping and sliding
All my questions you are Dodging
So I know there is something you are hiding
So you I am chiding
Now our future we must be deciding
It sure feels as if your love for me is subsiding
And the gap between us is widening
As that knife of silence in my heart you are driving
For our future I am so desperately fighting
But every day I feel it all dying
Please baby why is it me now that you are despising
As you leave me shattered on the floor crying
And our love's death certificate you are signing

Cerberus was hot on our heels
It's hot foul breath I could feel
But the demon horse had hooves of steel

Every hoove beat shook the ground, and left a spark
Every steep left a mark
On every rock there is an arc

This wicked beast was fast
We soon left that demon hound in the past
Now it's time some questions to ask

He slowed the now sweat lathered stallion to a trot
He knew it was answers that I sought
It was not hard to read my thoughts

It was the first time he even dared to speak
At first he started off kind of meek
He was concerned of the answers that I seek

"I will answer you questions black witch
But then it will be my turn, we'll switch"

"Well" I said "first off why do you ride this demons steed
What kind of unbelievable greed
Do you so feel the great need to feed"

As we swayed with the horses steeps
His silence for a moment he kept
I could feel his emotions, he almost wept

"Well I stole this wicked beast from the evil one
He had stolen it from Kimaris the demon burnt from the sun"
Oh what a tale he spun
It sadly ended with the death of his son

He had started off heeding the call of his king
Thinking there would be no danger, his son he would bring
So he could see the angels sing

They where attacked in the wooded part of the trail
Most of the demons he did curtail
But one did flee, on that he failed

The demon that escaped
Told the evil one what had taken shape
The evil one hunted down the knight
What a great battle, what a fight
It lasted until the morning light

That chased him back to his hell hole
But not before that fatal blow
He left the knight kneeling beside his son in the blood covered snow

A stones throw from heaven
To bad they close at eleven
Guess I'll be eating with the devil again
He doesn't care about all my sin
We'll talk and laugh and drink some gin
We'll play pinochle and I'll let him win
I'll never have to worry about being cold
I won't be blinded by the street's of gold
I'll play fetch with his hound
Won't have to worry about that heavenly crown
We'll smoke a bowl and get real high
Won't have to worry about how angels fly
We'll crank the metal up till the earth shakes
No worrying about being tested till I break
I'll be there with the rest of the primates
No more worrying about those locked pearly gates

Sitting in her empty room she took another long drink from the bottle of whisky
She knew drinking alone for her was quit risky
But she was far beyond caring, far beyond giving a ****
She thinks back on her life, she could see it was all a sham
No one looking in could see
Her life lay among the debris
Of what should of been but as time had showed would never be
Pure agony in diffrent degrees

She looks around her room in the closest hung her clothes
Most of them for work, thats the only place she goes
The stereo on a table
The music is her escape when she is able
In the corner the tv
She stares at but what's playing she rarely sees
Her big comfy bed with lots of pillows
Where alone she cries and bellows

Yes at a quick glance it all looks normal, but take a closer look
It's easy to see like all the stacks of books
On the walls nothing hangs
They are blank, there plain
No posters, not one pictures, no happy memories to look back on
Yes look close enough you can see something is all wrong

She's finally had enough liquid courage
To finally end all her troubles and worries
She goes to her closest reaches up on the top shelf
Takes down her revolver and clutches it to herself

With shaking hands she retrieves the bullets from the dresser drawer
Every inch of the barrel her fingers explore
She loads one bullet into the camber, clicks it back and spins it
She's going to let the Gods and fate decide if she is fit

She raises the cold unfeeling gun to her temple
Her hand is now steed not even a tremble
Very slowly she pulls the trigger
Stopping she didn't even consider

No one heard the boom
That resounded inside that lonely room
Over was all of her agonizing delirium
She didn't feel any pain as that bullet tore through her cranium
Her walls are no longer pitifully plain
They are now beautifully painted with her blood and her brain

On the sidewalk an egg you could fry
My bones are starting to liquify

Ghostly white and turning blue
It's not hard to construe
That this would happen, already knew
Among the many, I was with the few
Where sorrow and agony grew
Sliced my skin open so my spirit flew

Spring came into her beautiful life
She started to grow strong, such a wonderful sight
Before she knew it the summer Sun's rays
Coaxed her to blossom and bloom, the sun had that magical way

The summer of her life was grand
She stretched herself as tall as she could stand
Her beauty was quite beyond compare
She glimmered so bright it was almost a glare

Before she knew it, it was the autumn of life
All her memories were rife
Still she had abundant beauty, though her petals were starting to droop
Being pulled down to gravity's stoop
Still she enjoyed the the cooler days
And leaned towards the sun's rays

Winter fiercely came one night
Even though she put up a hell of a fight
The snow was to heavy
She could no longer be counted among the bevy

She sadly just wilted away
And fell into her bed of decay
Her ravishing petals now lay on the ground and decompose
My gorgeous scarlet rose

Oh I wish I had my way
I'd stay here, forever and a day
Locked up tight in your embrace
Curled up by the fireplace
With the flames dancing off your face
Our heart's beat as one, they interlace
Such contentment I've never known
You won't admit it, but your love has grown

I can see it in your eyes
The way you linger at goodbyes
I can feel it in your lips
As you hold onto my hips
Your finger's slightly grips
There is love and passion in your kiss
This love you will not say, but I can't dismiss

I know you'll never say it
At times I want to quiet
But you intoxicate me
My heart refuses to see
The catastrophe
That's gonna be

For I hide my darkness behind a smile
Hoping you look past it for awail
But I know it's inevitable
You'll find my sorrow and agony unbearable

All our good times you'll dismiss
When I sink into my black abyss
When my pain touches you with it's caress
You will run from me like all the rest

So for just this one day
Universe, let me have my way
I want this time with you to savor
So with my trusted razor
I will carve from me, normal behavior
One last time, in your eye's I wont be a failure

One last time, to lock away in my memories
How you use to look at me
Before I let you truly see
Before you take flight
Leaving me like I was before, all alone to fight

You went off half cocked
It was me that you shot
Like an automatic machine gun
Words out of your mouth just flung
I'm bleeding out here on the ground
It's my body you keep stepping around
I was always there for you
I helped you more times than a few
But yet here I am
I'm still the one ******
For every good deed there is a punishment
You sent our friendship into banishment
So don't look you might not like what you find
For you burned that bridge, I've locked that door and left your *** behind

Looking into the mirror, what do I see
Shadows crawling on the wall right behind me
Some would get a hell of a fright
Seeing such a sight
But I know they are just shadows cast
They linger for a while, but they never last

There's a shadow for what could of been
Before that first forced sin
There's a shadow of the past and what was supposed to be
Pieces of me stolen, never to become ME
There's a shadow of what there was
My sickness was the cause
There's a shadow of the present
My live still so very far from pleasant
There's a shadow of the future and what will soon come to be
At those I won't take a look, they're not for me to see

I like to see the shadows crawling on the ceiling
That means in my head, with them I'm not dealing
With all these shadows you can tell my life is dark
While swimming through the ashes, on the next life I embark

I keep trudging, struggling along
So the darkness to me alone belongs
Until the day I must, I don't want to pass them on

©Pauline Russell

Days like today
In my darkened way
I just sit,rock, and sway

I rock to the rhythm of my lifes sorrowful song
This feelings so wrong, so strong
In this inky state of mind
Any minut goodness is hard to find

There's hatred and self doubt
I HATE THE WAY I FEEL...I just want to shout
But there's no one here to hear anyway
So I sit and I cry and I sway

My thoughts bleed all over the place
You can plainly see them on my face
I'm such a disgrace
To the whole human race

This depression is heartless
Bringing only darkness
On days like today
My body and soul cry
It just leeks out my eyes

The sadness and darkness intertwine
It makes living feel like a crime
I'm so utterly clueless
Fighting it seems so useless

This is a bad one
I don't know where it came from
At lest with a trigger I know where I stand
Today I just feel like I have a brand
That tells the dakness to fall
That I don't belong after all

My emotions
Are like the waves of the ocean
Forever turning
Forever burning
Sometimes I'm riding high
Sometimes I can almost touch the sky
Sometimes they drag me to the depths
Sometimes I just can't catch my breath
I tumble to and fro
Just like the frothy foam
That washes upon the shore
It's all a deafening roar
Some days I do my best to swim
Even with the circling sharks fins
But today is a day i think I'll sink
I'm way beneath the brink
I'm to exhausted, I think I'm done
Tired of living under the gun

The stories never end
They're all about him
He's never at a loss, always a win

Anything you mention, his done or been
Even the best at sports, his thrown that old pigskin
He's stories always told with that lopsided stupid grin

You can't help but listen, he's as loud as can be
He's as loud as the banshee
That lives down by the sea

He'll tell his stories in different versions of threes
I'd say he trying to confuse me
But he's to stupid for that, you'll have to agree

He's never worked a day in his life, but he'll talk shop
I want to take him to my old playground, in the tallest treetop
Or out in the middle of the grown corn crop

He talks nonstop
Till you want to drop
Makes you want to give his throat a karate chop

He thinks he keeps you on the edge of your seat
But you really can't wait to jump to your feet
The most amazing man you'll never want to meet

Maybe you need to talk with your mouth shut
Because your yapping like a little mutt
Your sentences all run togeather
Talking so fast in decimals I can't even measure
It's alwasy about nothing, no subject matter
Any random thought you just splatter
Words just come busting out from between your lips
It would be different if you shot from the hips
But there is not one truth among your words
You just want to be noticed even if your absurd
You want to be the center of attention
In everyone's conversation you want to be mentioned
You're to stupid to realize the are talking and laughing about you
You really haven't a clue
To them you are a clown
They always put you down
So think before you udder words of no content
Think before you see the message sent

Poets are the watchers in the tower
Scribbling, watching, waiting, hour after hour

They watch the depravity of man
They see their sinful plans
They watch the plant breath
They mourn as it bleeds
They watch the changing of the seasons
Connect the dots, make it all rhyme with reason
They watch the winged things fly
Shot down, plummet from the sky
They watch the good and the bad play out
From the paper the poets scream out and shout

They write about beauty and about what makes one cower
For the have endless combinations of words, endless power
They can drain you of hope, or make you flower
They are the watchers in the tower

It's hard living in a world where no one cares
While your smothered and shallowed by despair
Sitting here wondering why I was born into this place
Not wanting to be part of this human race
Where money is the great and powerful Oz
It doesn't matter what's the cause
I look and see their hearts have grown cold and calloused
Everything is so off balanced
There is no more unconditional love
No help from up above
We have been abandoned
The trumpets have sounded
Humanity has been stripped of it's compassion
Empathy is in short ration
Gone are the ways of old
To these values we no longer hold
Now it's I'll do for you if you can do for me
That's not the way it's supposed to be
But everyone's eyes have been closed
Their souls have become thorny and cold
We are no longer judged on our thoughts and actions
But by how much money we have for the coming attractions
For if we don't have enough to pay
We become part of the play
We are condemned to be the *****
Then feed into the machines of war

©Pauline Russell

Trigger was hit
Tag, your it
Off goes the switch
Watch the twitch
Bang goes the gun
Wasn't this life fun

©Pauline Russell

You sat across from me with such happiness
I try to mimic your gladness
At this moment I'm so jealous
So wishing I wasn't callous

For I can't have your joyful feeling
Wounds constantly ripped open never healing
I try to match your smile as a tear forms in my eye
I divert my gaze I don't want you to see me cry
It's not fair to you
To always see my darkened hue

No one can stand my sadness
When they start to taste the madness
They all must go away, or the darkness settles in
Then I lose them to my greatest sin

©Pauline Russell

Last night I cried myself to sleep
Counting tears instead of sheep
I need a shepherd to guide my feet
Lost out here on this mountain steep
With every memory I just stumble
Trying to climb over my life's rubble

Inside my eyelids is a projection screen
Showing me  things I've lived and seen
Every bad decision I've ever made
All of life's punches, vividly displayed

For young and broken it was true love I craved
Making easy prey for human monsters to enslave
In my youth I was taught the rules
Of how to be the victim of those human ghouls

I'm bleeding out, but none can see
From the head is where I bleed
Memories continually running full throttle
Like lightning caught and sealed in a bottle

Desperately scrambling up the mountain's face
Trying so hard to find my place
In this world, where I'll never belong
Never allowed to sing my song

This little bird will never cheep
For my spirits broke, I'm way to weak
The pain and agony to myself I'll keep
Till my eyes close to that ultimate sleep

©Pauline Russell

A canvas freash and white
Paint that's red and bright
Strokes placed with care
All done with the blankets stare
She drains her soul on to the canvas
For the final picture she is anxious
Sadly she will never see it
For amongst the paint she sits
Help was the only word upon her skin
Carved over old creations again and again
This newest piece of art
Is when she finally split her wrist and fell apart

Wanting feelings of warmth, but only ice instead
Done with the sorrow, I just want to be dead
Serious voices of suicide are singing through my head


Should I swing from a tree, in childhood they constantly saved me
Snuggly wrapped up in their limbs, a million books I'd read
Years were spent up above reality, the safest spot to be

Should I slice my wrist my throat, with my favorite knife
Many times I've felt it's bite, the lines on my body it's made rife
The smell of iron will be strong as red becomes black, an end of life

Should I drown, heavy blocks tied with the strongest rope
Water filled lungs, fish nibbling on my corpse when it bloats
Flower in an underwater garden, not sprawled in a dead man's float

Should I take a gun, get a good taste of cold hard steel
Shattering my cranium, my brains it will no longer conceal
Ending it all in the deep dark woods, has a strange appeal

Should I take some pills, lie upon the side of a mossy hill
Watching the birds in flight, till I feel deaths darkened chill
Suicide seems the only way out, stuck in my head, mentally ill


To my knees I drop
This rain never stops
Watching lightning from my rooftop

Wish I wasn't this way
Wish I had bright days
Wish in the sun I could play

Guess I'll see what comes my way
Guess I'll see how my life will sway
Guess I'll give this life one more day


But just in case I decide to jump instead of slide
Please believe me, I really tried

©Pauline Russell

Take away the pain
Take away the strain
Just what would remain

I am held together with the struggle
I am held together because of all I juggle

I am nothing but agony
I am nothing but depravity
I am nothing but blasphemy

Question's on my mind weigh
If you could take that away
Do it right here today

Would I cease to exist
Would I still be here in the midst
Would I be missed

For I am nothing but self loathing, agony, and pain
If it could magically be taken away, would anything remain

I stand here covered in all my sin
(But what am I to do)
Please just take a look again
(I'm right in front of you)
No way I can make amends
(please open your eyes wide)
Wish you could feel where I've been
(anger is only my disguise)
Under the weight of this pain
(my angry words I threw)
The things I did were not sane
(the distance between us grew)
At times I'm still disarranged
(Fighting , I'm only human too)

I'm so very sorry, I know what I did was wrong
I'm so very sorry, I know I can be  headstrong
I hope you forgive me, but either way we must both carry on
If I'm not in your life's journey, may you feel my love is strong

©Pauline Russell

Give me some of that vitamin H, so my body can sigh
Sit awail, I'll nod a bit, and kiss this world's problems goodby
There'll be no more tears, no need to cry
As my mind is carried off on high
Body so relaxed it forgets to breath
Where I have floated off to, there seems to be no need
With this vitamin running through my veins
I don't feel the need to plant a bullet in my brain
When thoughts of death start to close in
I turn and run to my new friend
It's all a matter of desperation
Locked up tight in my situation

It's like being on the edge of having ten ideas at once
But my little pills make me dunce
It tries to chases the thoughts away
At lest it keeps them all at bay
It gives me rest from my whizzing mind
Sometimes I don't want to look, and find
The monsters that breed in my head
Some day's they don't need feed

Deep within the woods there is the perfect rock
It is under the tallest tree, right next to a small stream
Worn smooth by years and hours of sitting, by the shyest little girl
For when she was there time would stop, she had no need for a clock
She would sit for hours under the great tree's shade
Reading every book she could get her hands on
Although her body remained on that stone
Her mind was far away, the woods around her would fade

She was a detective, solving the hardest case
She was once a Queen and had tea with those She knighted
She rode a dragon and waged war on the wicked mage
She sailed the giant waves of the seven seas
She climbed to the top of Mount Everest
She sat astride the most beautiful mighty wild stallion
She fought a mighty mid evil battle brought the King to his knees

Yes that stone was very smooth
For out in those woods was her escape
The birds singing there sweet songs, the stream babbling all faded to back ground noise
Those books always her mood and mind could soothe

The shadows in my brain
That dance with all the pain
Only adding to the strain

The memories that they hold
That they crease and mold
Only leave me cold

The agony holds on strong
That it refuses to move along
Only leaving tears of all that's gone wrong

The shadows in my mind
That are so unkind
Only showing me what they find

Thoughts rambling in an insane manner
Voices mix and clamber
Between it all the static stammer

Leaving me to believe I'm not well
I wear a mask so you can't tell
That I really live in Hell

There is something going on inside my cranium
Maybe it holds to much radium
That must be why I need a ******

My thoughts bumb and scatter
Oohhh something shiny.....does it matter
Uhm I think my head has grown flatter

Pain and agony brought on insanity
Trying hard to grasp the gravity
This situation leaves me in, oh the calamity

Well my gray matter has had enough
I'm calling my life's bluff
Put the gun to my head, it was tough

Blowing that gray matter away
Still won't be enough to sway
The demons will make me stay
In a vegetative way

I'm standing here on the side of the road, rain falling on my shoes
Sorrow clouds my view
Lord knows I've paid my dues

Standing here in my misery knowing I'll never see the sunlight
Seeing my life as just a blight
Lord knows I'll never get it right

I'm standing here on the side of the road, rain falling on my shoes
I can't help but sing the blues
Lord knows I am confused

The demons reign within my memories
Lying "it truly had to be"
Lord knows my life's in jeopardy

I'm standing here on the side of the road, rain falling on my shoes
This agony remains in my soul infused
I know the Lords amused

Up, down, turn around
Please don't let me hit the ground
It's to late, you already missed
Feeling like I don't exist
Been laying here in my bed for days
Counting down the ways
Of how to let go, or should I stay
The number count is growing high
Of the many ways to die
The argument to stay is small
Finally at the bottom of the fall
There is no getting up again
I'm to weak within this skin
This hole is deeper than the rest
The walls slick with oil, who would've guessed
Me that's who
There seems to be nothing I can do
Not this time, not by myself
I need some help
But they all ran away, sickened by the sight
Of a twisted corpse still trying to fight
Guess I'll just lay here and try to find some peace
But that will happen after they find it in the Middle East
I'm just tired and can't carry on
So I'll just lay here till I'm gone

Aching, and angry and almost alive

Beaten, and battered and broken of bone

Callous, and cruel, and cruising off course

Deceived, and ******, and dealing with demons

Erected, and exploded, and eaten by erosion

Fractured, and fused, and falling to fast

Gaps, and gorgeous and glistening red gouges

Hellish, and harmful, and hurting my heart

Idiots, and idols, and invisible but insane

Justice and jolted and jade into jumping

Knights, and Kings, and killing of kinsman

Longing, and loathing, and living in lust

Media, and manipulation, and mind that's maddening

Nature, and night, and native in nothing

Opened, and ordered, obviously an orphan

Pungent, and putrid, and praying for perseverance

Quartered, and queued, and quietly is questioned

Rolling, and ready, and recently been released

Soulful, and sorry, and story of sorrow

Terrorist, and target, and
terrifying in truth

Unique, and united and using the universe

******, and victims, and validating the vice

Windows, and watching, weathering the winter

Xmas, and x-box, and
Xavier of X-Men

Yesterdays, and years, and yearning for youth

Zealous, and zones,
And zip of zero

You'll be going off the deep end  soon
I can see it in your motion
It's as sure as the influence of the moon
As it pulls and tuggs on the ocean

That look in your eyes
Has me so worried
I can see past your disguise
But your keeping the lines blurry

I wish I could stop the cycle
I wish I could stop your spin
But it's almost primal
The situation you're in

Don't put up your facade
From me you have nothing to hide
I know how far up that mountain you've clawed
I know the tears you've cried

I can hear your silent scream
It echoes in my head
I know what it means
The darkness wants fed

I wish I could stop the cycle
I wish I could stop your spin
But it's almost primal
The situation you're in

Just remember in your dark abyss
I'll be right by your side
My love please don't dismiss
In me you can always confide

I'll be that shoulder you can lean on
That hand to grasp
Together we will see the dawn
As onto each other we clasp

I wish I could stop the cycle
I wish I could stop your spin
But it's almost primal
The situation you're in

Oh Dear sweet vengeful God
Over this rocky earth I have trod
Please take me from this land of Nod

My body's old and I'm bone weary
This life you gave me was so dark and dreary
The depravity of man has left me teary

The dark deeds of man is all you've shown
Sorrow is all I've ever known
Please Dear God, just take me home

I'm hidden, shivering behind this curtain of rain
Seeing live through shades of pain
I'm so tired of listening to the sound of my tears
They've been falling for way to many years
In this life of mine, it never rains it only pours
In my head, the scarred battle ground of wars'
Of a million thoughts and memories
Trying desperately Pharmaceutical remedies
Only to discover there is no cure for my disease
Forced again and again to my knees

I use to pray to a distant faceless God
Religion preaching of His grand facade
But He too must be flawed
For I stand daily in front of His firing squad
Mental health continually erodes
Desperately waiting for a lull, as He reloads

Coal black darkness paints my life's canvas
As I watch yesterday's loss become today's madness
Wishing I could feel the firm hard dirt at the end of this hole
I fear it's bottomless, just like my soul

©Pauline Russell

The sun was shining very bright
In that very darkened night
He loved me with all his hate
Light as a feather under all his weight
Broken into pieces, he left me whole
I was blinded by the light in his black hole

You can't frighten a man with death, when his not afraid to die
So when your knifes and guns don't scare me know that is the reason why
There is nothing more dangerous than one that doesn't care
So you had better tread lightly, you better beware
There's nothing more dangerous than one not affraid of death
Unafraid to take that final breath
I'll have a smile when I walk the reapers way
So all you ******* go on and bray
About the beauty of life and all them lies
I have lived this life, it's only made me cry
And I am not affraid to die

No one wants me in their tomorrow
Even though I beg, steal and borrow
Still they would walk on without me
They only want to set me free
I try to make my darkness go away
I beg happiness to stay
I steal my tomorrows from my yesterdays
I borrow my feelings from my yesteryears
For today I'm only full of fears
No one wants me in their tomorrow
Even though I beg, steal and borrow

Spots on my skin
I'm decaying from within
My blood has gone sour
Every ***** it devours
Including my eyes
One day soon they will no longer see, just cry
Watching constantly what I eat
My bloods to sweet
The darkness in my head also does what it please
Living with more than one chronic disease
Can bring any person to their knees

My heart is very heavy today
For a great poet is lost along the way
His words where always mesmerizing
That is not surprising
For every poem was a gem
For in every poem there are little pieces of him
He laid his heart open for all of us to see
A poet like him, will never again be
I feel very humbled that he took the time to consol us, before his finale journey
Now I must end this poem, for my eyes are just to blurry

The atoms around me are exploding
My body is eroding
Every particle of me is floating
It's all in my DNA coding
Starting my ascent
This I will not  circumvent
Now I'm out in outerspace
Up to the great fates
The vibrant colors around me swirl
I'm no longer a person, no longer a girl
I am particals, I am pieces, I am atoms
Floating around like a phantom
Ground down so much I am star dust
Pushed along by the cosmic gust
Destined to land in another galaxy
Far away from all the inhumanity

Everytime I try to bask in the sun
Everything comes unraveled and undone
The light Only burns me and makes me blind
Always falling farther behind

What is the secret to a happy life
I need to know mines only been strife
I have thoughtful plotted my days
Time has showed me others control my ways

Even when I've only let family in
They still committed egregious sin
Living all alone doesn't let happiness be
I'm so confused that I can't see

I opened my heart once again
Only to get it shattered within
I done all I can so where is happiness found
I think mine is hidden under ground

When I preform my finale deed
On that day I die and they plant me like a seed
I think I'll find it that's where it will be
The only place where there is true glee

Grab my hand now, lead me into your beautiful fields
Lay me down, show me the clouds
Rip off my darkened shroud
Make me lower my defensive shields

Make my mind take flight, soaring ubove my plight
Crease my body till it's in convulsions
Look deep into my eye's till my whole being pulses
Not caring if it's wrong or right

I cry to you, take me away for just a night
Leave me withering, in massive longing
As you torturer me with your taunting
But you don't have to I'll just sink back out of sight

It was a cart once made for shopping
Now lost and long forgoten
It was a cart once silver and shiny
Now old, disgusting and grimy

She found it there in an unused lot
It was exactly what she had sought
In it she placed her worldly belongings
Including her hopes, her dreams, and longings

She took it with her wherever she went
Hours organizing it where spent
Not one thing about that cart was inept
She knew every scrap of paper, and were it was kept
There was room for her clothes, she had very few
Far less than anyone knew
A spot for the table scraps she managed to find
Who knew you could live on less than a dime

But there in the middle you'll find two old tattered tins
Her most prized possessions where tucked safely within

One tin was for the past and things that are no more
With child like eyes, she'd peek in and explore
For both Joy and Sorrow are contained inside
Amongst the Polaroids of life, a lock of child's hair did reside

The other was for her hopes and dreams
They carried her on, when there seemed to be no means
Even when all the dreams eventually explode and collide
Hope will still be standing strong by her side

Her life as it is now, out here on the streets
Was unexpected, not planned......the memory repeats

A bright sunny day
Soaking up the sun's rays
Both out by their pool
Him sitting at the bar on a stool
But little boys sure do like to giggle
They squirm, and they wiggle

Her out stretched fingers grazed his shirt as he fell
Her screams of anguish no one could quail
As she held his limp body pleading for him to open his eyes
Screaming at the heavens..... WHY.... WHY.... WHY

Now on this block you can find her every day
Pushing that shopping cart as she limps and she sways
Come bare witness to the sad aftermath
One split second, changed a life's path

©Pauline Morris

I want to feel the blood flow down my fingertips
I want to watch it drip on to the floor
And pool under my hand
I want to feel the warmth flow from my throat
And down my chest.
I want to wear a coat of red

There is no escaping the stupidity of the human race
It's always right up there in your face
I want to be on a mountain top
Where humanity never stops
I want to be in the middle of the raging sea
Where no human I'll never see
I want to be on a deserted island
Where people couldn't even fly in
I want to live in the frozen tundra
Where humanity couldn't wonder
But I'm afraid I'm stuck right here
Amongst the idiots and their beer
Watching the little piggies as they squeal
I want to run away
There is no place I want to stay

My life has been overwhelming to say the lest
I'm sure ready for deaths sweet release
The sorrow that has filled my cup
Has burst over and swallowed me up
Now in the belly of the beast
Waiting for deaths release
Drowning in all this bile
As problems just pile
Afraid to see one more day
Afraid of all that's coming my way
I want to close my eyes, never to open
I can't help it my mind is broken
My spirit is crushed
My life doesn't mean much
I pray for release
God can do that for me at lest

Don't look, don't see, or you'll find
This river of tears is mine
I've been swept away in this torrential flood
Forever buried in a wall of mud
Of personal tragedy, anguish, and woe
Naked and shivering as the north wind blows
My very being had been laid bare
I lay in my bed of anguish and despair
Knowing I haven't a prayer
Living a life in disrepair

All my feelings have disbanded
They've gone and left me stranded
Of every emotion I am void
I need to talk to someone like Freud
This feeling of nothingness, leaves me past the brink
For now into TURE insanity I sink

Only the truly insane will not care
If they close the lid and leave you no air
For guilt will not play it's part
For the insane has no heart

You can take a knife and plunged it in
Make me pay for all my sins
I really don't care who dies
Not even if it's I
There will be not one tear to cry

For all my emotions, the good and bad
Have disappeared, it should make me sad
But it don't
Don't ask me to care, I can't and I wont