You are very neat
And you're cool, and kind, and sweet
The very neatest

We fight because we care
We don't fight often
But the rare times that we do
It always ends in
I love you

I love you.

I woke up the next morning and looked over
There he was right next to me
Laying awake and staring
His beautiful eyes looking deeply into mine
This was a wonderful way to start our day

Then I made him pancakes
He really loves when I bake for him
He said he wanted to bake with me forever
Like my little assistant
Baking is very important to us

We sat together on the couch and made plans for the day
A fun little trip to Walmart
We needed more baking ingredients
He said he wanted to make pudding and a cute little cake
I smiled and happily agreed

We ran our errands and went back home
I sat down and he threw himself at me
He trusts me so much to catch him every time
I always do my best to keep him safe
We cuddled for a while while watching baking shows

We joke and cook and kiss all evening
Then it’s time for a shower
We love taking showers together
We love taking care of each other
It’s the most wholesome thing

Then we get into bed
I hold him or he holds me
We make sure the other is okay
Then we talk and talk and talk
Until we fall asleep again

We constantly say “I love you”
We make each other gifts
We have a ton of ***
We are “that couple”
We are so, so happy with each other

But I think we both agree that our absolute favorite type of day
Is the mundane day
<3

~
The sun was bright
Shining my life with light
Then the storm came
Now there’s  just rain
~

He is sad and he said that all he wants to do when he’s sad is cuddle up next to me and sleep but he can’t do that cause you’re not supposed to sleep in your binder. But he’s only sad because of dysphoria. ******* dysphoria has the ******* audacity to get in my mans head again and I want to kick its ***. But I can’t cause I can’t even handle my own and I can only imagine how he feels. I just want to hold him and let him talk to me about all his feelings while we slowly fall asleep together, but we can’t even do that and that *****. I just want him happy. I have never loved someone so much that I would do anything to just take his pain away and put it on myself so it wouldn’t hurt him.
:(

It’s so crazy to think
That you would want to put up with me
For a whole month
And longer

I’m so glad I get to spend time with you
And hold you
And kiss your head
Every time you lean into me

The way you yawn and lazily move closer
You let me wrap my arms around you
And we stay that way for a while
Then you do the same for me

You hold me and make me feel safe
And warm
You’re so sweet
You’re so kind and loving

Thank you for loving me
For a whole month and more
Thank you for letting me love you
For hopefully many more months

<3

You ask me if I have any
I tell you I don’t know
But I would absolutely love
To figure it out with you
Together

So sweet, so wonderful, so natural
You never let me feel scared
You talk to me about all my worries
And for that, I truly thank you

I love writing about you
Because It’s something happy to think of
You make me so happy
For that, I appreciate you

These happy works
Are what I want to write about more
So others can read them
And feel the same happiness you give me

I was so nervous to ask you out
But then you said yes
Then we started dating
And I couldn’t be happier
Then I decided to ask you to hang out
Just us two alone
But I was so nervous
You make me feel nervous
But in a good way
I get butterflies when I’m around you
But it feel so natural and nice
You said yes
That you could come over Saturday
And that day is tomorrow
And I’m scared
But I know we’ll have fun together
Because you always make it fun
And you always make me feel calm again
You really do

Its too late,
It’s just too ******* late.

I heard that all night
They didn’t say it to be mean
They said it to point us out
To make it known
That we were, in fact
“Being gay”
For each other
Like a couple

You’re cute and sweet
Mean and rude
Weird  and dorky
Nerdy and geeky
You’re hot and manly
Charming and handsome
Smart and interesting
Strong and masculine

There are just so many things
That I can think about
As to why I really really
Really really really really like you
So many reason as so why
You are different
You are special
Not like anyone else I’ve ever known

You’re so cuddly with your friends
But more so with me
And I love it
I love that we can play fight
And be mean to each other
But in the end
I ask if you’re okay and vise versa
And we hold each other

Maybe we’re just two boys
Who are mainly into girls
And maybe we’re just two boys
Who are too weird to say it out loud
Maybe we’re just two boys
Who like to cuddle with each other
And maybe we’re just two boys
Who happen to be gay for each other

Our friends always say
“Stop being so gay”
To point out that we are
In fact “being gay”
Because we are
We’re always being pretty gay
For each other
And I ******* love it

You were so cute today
And yesterday
And even the first day I saw you

My first day at your school
I saw you and thought,
“God, who made you this way?”

Because you were so handsome
Wearing a denim jacket
And some jeans that fit you well

You looked so confident
So manly and sweet
I wanted to hug you

I just want to hold you close
Kiss you and whisper,
“God, who made you this way?”

I feel as if we have grown close
Closer than you have with most
Why is that?

Why do you hug me so much?
Why do you show me so much affection?
Why do I love it so much...?

I just want to pull you close
Give you love while I whisper,
“God, who made you this way?”

You are so beautiful
So handsome
So, unmistakably hot

In every way you have captured my attention
Your personality has pulled me in and it won’t let go
Your heart has connected to mine and now it pounds against my chest

Who made you this way?
Because they did good
You are good

First California
Next the whole world
The fires grow stronger and stronger
Every single day
Fueling us with as much fear
As we have fueled the fire with oxygen
The world is rottin anyway
Maybe it’s good that we burn
Maybe that’s what we must do
To restore the earth to its former state
We must wipe ourselves out
In order to come back better
Or maybe we shouldn’t come back at all
Maybe we should die
And stay dead
Cause, considering everything happening,
On these horrible days of earth
The human race really does ****

Sometimes I try my best to avoid sleeping in my room.
I think it’s because I’m afraid that if I sleep in my bed, I’ll never want to get up.
And then I’ll slowly **** myself.
In a heap of my own depression and self comfort.
So I sleep on the couch.
Because it’s just not as comfortable.
So then I won’t want to die as fast.

You stare at me in fear,
Is that my happiness or my tears?

I
Am
Over
Being
Your
Little
*******
*****

You are the current source of my
p a i n

The one who makes me want to
q u i t

You make me want to pack up and
l e a v e

Maybe one day I will so I can stop being a
b u r d e n

You
Can
Not
Control
Everyone’s
Mother
*******
Life

Excuse my language but you really do
s u c k

Why does it make you happy to see me in
p a i n ?

You can’t handle being told that you are
b a d  a t  s o m e t h i n g

That’s why you choose to do the same to
m e

Because
You
Love
To
Be
A
Toxic
*****

I love watching the trees flow
When the wind takes them

I love listening to the sound of the leaves
When the wind picks up stronger, stronger

I love to see the trees move
As the wind continues to grow stronger, louder

I love the way the tree next to my house
Seems to get more and more closer to my room

I love to think about how any day, the tree could blow over and **** me.

I love to dream of the day something terrible takes my life.

I love to replace the word “love” with the word “fear”

You started in one place
And now you act like you want us to “burn”
Those are your exact words.
“Burn”
Remember where you ******* came from
Because we didn’t do anything to deserve this
Remember where you came from
Because one day, you might come back
And we will all have know what you said
And we will all show no friendship
You try to make an enemy of us
But we have more class
So don’t try to act like you’re amazing
When the next second you’re telling people how ****** you feel because you don’t get your way
I see right through you

Remember where you came from, kid.

I used to have an addiction
And every night I would fuel it
The fires of my apprehension
And I still wanna do it

But now I’m trying to drown
Drown in a new addiction
This new one I found
Is no better, but no worse of mutilation

It all feels the same to me
Every night when I have withdrawals
I feel tears and then I just sing
I can feel how the scars crawl

Addiction is bad
But now it feels so good
It makes people mad
But I just want to do it

I have an addiction
And I’m only a few months clean
But I can feel myself slipping
On the waters of addiction

Sometimes, it feels fine.
Sometimes, it feel amazing.
Sometimes, it feels weirdly comforting.

But other times, it makes me feel sad.

Every single time
Every single day
I am reminded

Because apparently
Everyone loves to
Remind me
When exactly
You died

Thinking of a past event:
“Was that before or after your dad died?”

Um, WHAT???

Why can you just ask me
How old I was?

Why must you assume
That’s the only event I remember?

Trust me
I wish I didn’t have to

Maybe it’d be easier
If I was some sociopathic
*******

Then I wouldn’t always feel
Depressed
Or lonely
Or done

Maybe I’d be worse.

Because even I use the same reference:
“Was my dad already dead, or was he dying?”

Who the **** cares?

I was a fresh 13 year old.

I shouldn’t have to remember that.

Do you ever just know that you’re being annoying?
But like you don’t really care?
Cause mood.

New routine:
Wake up, take two pills
Eat a sandwich
Write comedy
Take another pill
Eat another sandwich
Watch comedy
Take another pill
Eat another sandwich
Go to bed
Don’t sleep
Feel, instead of nausea, a weird rumbling in your stomach
Shake a little
Fall asleep in the morning
Wake up
Forget your pill
Have withdrawals
Feel terrible
New routine:
Feel terrible
Have anxiety over feeling terrible
Tremble in fear
Feel depressed
Leave the house
Forget the situation
Come home
Take a pill
Continue to feel terrible
New routine:
Prefer the nausea over this.

So I had a dream last night
I was at the doctor getting checked out for my nausea
And they did some tests
I found out that I had brain cancer
Specifically brain cancer

The dream switched to me having to tell my friends
They all left me
They didn’t want to deal with me
I had to quit band
And drama
And all my hopes and dreams went to ****
All within the span of a few days

But what’s worse is that when I woke up
I thought I was still sick
I thought it was all real
And I started to cry
My friends texted our group chat
They were all really nice
But when I think about the dream
I can still remember them leaving me
And it makes me want to cry

Before I even had the dream
I would sometimes think
That one day something could happen
And do all of these same things in real life
I would be dying
And they would leave me for real

And now I’m thinking that I could be predicting the future

I have this small wound
It’on my left arm
Right above my hand
And it really makes me think
I think of all the things that can come from wounds
Like death
I’ve been thinking a lot about death
Because I don’t know where exactly we go
And it scares me
I end up thinking a whole through my brain
A wound in my head
Full of thoughts
“What will happen when I die?”
I just don’t know
And it hurts
Like a wound
Like a deep wound
Like a really painful wound
Of thoughts

You see a lot of girls talking about their insecurities
But hardly any boys speak about theirs
It’s like we’re simply not allowed
Like it’s a rule that you can’t be open about your feelings
Well I am
I’m one of the few boys who are
I’m comfortable enough to talk about my uncomfort
And there’s a lot of it
Some boys can relate to girl problems
I relate to them all
I bleed every month
I’m uncomfortable with a lot of my body
I feel feelings
Everyone feels feelings
Girls are encouraged to talk about them
But what about us boys?
Can’t we be sensitive?
Because some boys are insecure
And we need to express it

I feel gross.

8 o’clock A.M.
I wake up
I stay in bed
“6 more hours.”
I sleep for 6 more hours
I wake up again

2 o’clock P.M.
Finally time to drag myself out of bed
I sit up
I fall back
Nauseated again
I lay down and stare at the wall
I’ve become accustomed to staring at that wall
I think of all the things I should be doing right now
Something productive
Not sleeping
I feel it again
Good ole’ gender dysphoria
I sob for two more hours
All while feeling nauseated

4 o’clock P.M.
I try not to throw up
It’s my worst nightmare
The weird thing is
That everyday I feel nauseated
But I never get sick
And I never feel better either
I try to sleep it off for a few more hours
This is the fourth day in a row that I’ve skipped breakfast and lunch
Not on purpose
I just forgot to feel hungry
It was covered by all the sick feelings

8 o’clock P.M.
I wake up
I eat dinner
I go to bed
I can’t sleep
I stay awake until 7 A.M.
I finally sleep for an hour
I wake up
Do it all over again

8 o’clock A.M

I’M FEELING IT AGAIN.

ALL THE ******* NAUSEA

Do ya ever feel that way?

You probably have a few times in your life.

But have ya ever felt it CONSTANTLY?

Every.
Single.
*******.
Day.
I feel it.

Sometimes it’s for a few hours.

But a lot of the time, it’s all **** day.

ALL **** DAY.

I’m so uncomfortable all the time.

Because of NAUSEA.

******* NAUSEA.

Forgive me for being a little bitter.

I’m just a little<a lot>nauseated.

Boi
Boy
I am a boy
Gorl
Girl
I am NOT a girl
Don't try to tell me what you think you know
You're wrong
You're always wrong

(ERROR, ERROR, ERROR)
My life is one big mistake
I am always trying and failing
To get you out of my mind
It’s really hard to forget you
You’re just so great
But you don’t want me
Like I want you
I want my best friend back
I need you back
Is that so much to ask?
(ERROR, ERROR, ERROR)
This is way too much
I can’t handle the fact
That you don’t want me
Even as a friend or more  
You never want to talk to me
It’s like you never even wanted to
In the first place
I thought I could get over you
But it’s harder than it looks
Much harder than I anticipated
(ERROR, ERROR, ERROR)

I thought we were going to be best friends
For a really, really long time.
I thought that you would never leave
Especially without a warning.
And now it seems that you don’t want me
Anymore.
You don’t feel the need for me
Anymore.
I feel like a part of me has been
Ripped apart.
Apart from my body.
My heart.
I don’t know what I did
But I’m sorry.
Please come back to me.
I can’t seem to stop crying.

You looked so beautiful
In your pink bandana
With your earbuds in
Listening to k-pop
And eating starbursts

But you seem to not notice me at all.

Yesterday I found out
That you were into me
Just like I was into you
For two years I have wanted you
To call you mine
And then today I found out
That you didn’t want to be into me
That’s why you haven’t been talking to me
It’s just so difficult

Sometimes I feel sick and tired.
It usually goes away after a day.
But lately I've felt worse.
I've felt nauseated.
I've felt like crying.
And all for what?

I thought it was just a depressive episode.
I thought I would feel better after a few hours of crying.
But I just feel worse.
I feel more sick and tired.
The feeling that I will throw up anytime won't go away.
Why do I feel this way?

I think it's because I feel so lonely.
I feel isolated from the world around me.
Yeah, I hang out with friends a lot.
But I never really feel there.
It's just so exhausting.
Why is this happening?

I've always wanted a pet.
To help me feel comforted.
And make me stop feeling lonely.
But sadly I can't have one.
And I will be alone for what feels like forever.
Why is the world so cruel?

My isolation follows me.
It's there when I wake up.
It's there when I'm with other people.
It's even there to tuck me in at night.
I still feel queasy.
Why is it so involved in my life?

Why am I asking so many questions?
Why is the light of the screen making my nausea worse?
Why can't I stop crying?
Why can't I think clearly?
Why do I feel so lonely?
Why?

My stomach hurts from the anxiety I feel everyday.
I can't possibly describe it any other way.
When I wake up from the two hours of sleep I had that night
I feel the pain creep in just like a bright light.
It shines it's darkness all around me
And whispers things that quickly drain my glee.
It makes my head and stomach ache.
It makes me think all the times I felt fake.
I get up and go to the bathroom
To look into my mirror of absolute doom.
It shows my face: exposed and pale
Because lately my state of mind has made me so frail.
I know it's a cliche emo thing to say
But why did my life have to end up this way?