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 Aug 2019 Sam
may
jlf
 Aug 2019 Sam
may
jlf
it's simple really
you make smiling so easy
and the lingering feeling of sadness fade away

everything feels different
you're my minds favorite person
and for once i'm okay with this weird feeling

it's simple really
you're someone who makes me feel safe
and i would be okay seeing your smile everyday
 May 2019 Sam
may
summer '18
 May 2019 Sam
may
the four of us
made memories
i would tell
my future kids
:))
 Dec 2018 Sam
Ciel Noir
Real
 Dec 2018 Sam
Ciel Noir
I believe in myself
I know I am real
Because I think
Because I feel

I might not be
How I appear
But I know
That I am here

The world may be
A grand delusion
Altered wavelengths
Of confusion
Illusional
Balance wheel

But I KNOW that I am real
 Nov 2018 Sam
empty seas
it was dark
the closet
small, too
i put the sandbag down
he did too
i tried to leave
when he grabbed me
wrapped his arms around me hard
pinning my arms to my sides
and i was frozen
all i could say was
“Boy, what are you doing”
(stupid, i know
but thoughts were frozen in my head)
and he
kept squeezing
like we were old friends
when i considered him a stranger
i was frozen
petrified
a thousand other synonyms all applied
is he going to hurt me?
he lifted me up slightly
and i said again
“what are you doing?”
that’s when
he slapped his hand on my mouth
said “you’re under arrest”
but then someone came in the room
and he let go of me and left
what did i do wrong?
i was friendly
i joked
but i never did anything inviting
so why?
 Oct 2018 Sam
may
maybe i should’ve waited
not because of him
but it might have been better

maybe i needed to wait
that this wasn’t a good idea
nothing feels right

never putting in the effort
whether it’s to call or reply
we’ve been talking less and less

i know it’ll break your heart
but i don’t want to lie to you
maybe i needed to wait
again, i’m conflicted and i don’t know what to do. it seems quite obvious as to what the right decision is, but thinking about doing it makes me feel as if it’s not right. the weird thing is, is that i will not be sad when it happens.
 Oct 2018 Sam
empty seas
i feel so cold and alone
all the hurt i’ve experienced is my fault
i’m so dumb
so naïve
so willing to please
i let my personality fade away
and i don’t know where it’s gone

all the feelings of those months
came back to me
the constant nausea
the paranoia
the want to hurt
the feeling of being
so utterly useless and ugly

i was beginning to regain
some semblance of self-confidence
but when i think of those days
it’s gone
and all i can think is:
i’m so ugly
i’m so dumb and stupid
why
why am i like this?
why am i so awful?

i feel like all the progress i made is gone...
 Oct 2018 Sam
empty seas
i went through
every poem
about her
and made them
disappear

maybe now
it'll be easier
to feel better
to feel free

i have no more poems
about the good times
for the bad times
outweighed them

i feel freer
although i am sad
my most popular poem
is gone

it is for the best
i am freer
if you noticed my number of poems drop down randomly in the past two days, that is because i deleted all my poems about my manipulative ex
i was going to leave them up as a testament to our time together (unsurprisingly, a lot of those poems were actually quite negative). I am usually unafraid of the past but my poems about her made me cringe whenever I saw them. I deleted them to make me feel better.
 Oct 2018 Sam
empty seas
i can never seem to keep close friends
they come and go
almost as fast as possible
so i latch on where i can
taking things faster than necessary

i just want to be loved
but no one ever loves me for long

i want a hug...
i just don’t think im a good person anymore
people who said they loved me and cared about me always leave, even when they promise
I just want a consistent friendship for once, but i don’t think anyone will ever like me enough for that to happen
 Oct 2018 Sam
empty seas
i’m trying to be better
a better leader
a better friend
a better student
a better person
and it’s hard
every step feels like dragging my feet through syrup
but i can feel improvement

i am starting to love myself
to love the way my mind
finds comfort in learning
to love the way
i’m good at things

i feel more free now
no longer someone’s crutch
but now i feel a solid future under my feet
instead of constantly being pushed down

i’m not quite happy yet
not as happy as i was
ignorant happiness is hard to beat
some days i crave intimacy
but i am not a dependent person
and i will wait until i’m better before pursuing someone else
it’s the right choice
being independent is something I’ve been priding myself on more recently
It just feels so nice to not be someone’s crutch for once, it’s like I can finally breathe, I’m really trying to use this to better myself though
A lot of people I know when they’re upset they just give up and never try to make things better and I’ve been desperately trying to avoid that
Anyway
Weird rant over
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