When I was small I said “Mom
my tummy hurts” and
then kisses and maybe a spoon of liquid
(icky) tylenol followed and then
All Better!

Now
when I’m bigger in shoe size, in brain
(in tummy)
Now when
my stomach starts to bubble and
roil and twist I know the source
is not candy and the
cure is no longer kisses and
I need so much more I need
slow breaths and
slower
thoughts
and
no maternal concern concerning
itself with my intestines, small or
large

I never knew
If you gave me butterflies
Or just made my stomach hurt

It’s been 48 hours since food last touched my lips
48 hours of pain and starvation
I don’t mean to starve myself
I just can’t help it
I look at myself in the mirror;
With disgust and disapproval
I am not choosing the hunger
But when I look at food, I automatically become sick
I think of the times I’ve cried over my body
The hours I’ve spend ridiculing every stretchmark,
Fat roll,
Wrinkle,
Every inch of myself that is less than subpar in my eyes
Do you think I want to be like this?
I sit and sleep;
instead of eat
My stomach growls
Sounds like thunder on a dry summers day
Speaking to me and telling me to stop being a ******* idiot
I tell you I haven’t eaten and your response is clear
But what does it matter to me what you think
At the end of the day you aren’t the one whose hungry
You aren’t the one who pushes her body to the point of breaking all in the name of beauty
Oh to be beautiful
Seems so easy
Especially when those words roll off your tongue
But I flinch in pain
As my body begins to eat itself
And you sense something is wrong
I tell you I’m fine
But based off the look on my face;
you know it’s not just a stomach ache

I feel sick to my stomach
I feel like throwing up these words
bottled up inside
but all I do
is gag
on the feeling of fear
leaving a bitter taste in my mouth

I don't want to eat
I just want to eat away the pain
wash away the fear
with bubbly sugars
filling my sensations
overloading myself
with stimulations
but
it's never enough

My stomach hurts from the anxiety I feel everyday.
I can't possibly describe it any other way.
When I wake up from the two hours of sleep I had that night
I feel the pain creep in just like a bright light.
It shines it's darkness all around me
And whispers things that quickly drain my glee.
It makes my head and stomach ache.
It makes me think all the times I felt fake.
I get up and go to the bathroom
To look into my mirror of absolute doom.
It shows my face: exposed and pale
Because lately my state of mind has made me so frail.
I know it's a cliche emo thing to say
But why did my life have to end up this way?

curled up compact
as shockwaves of pain
twist daggers up my sides
doubling over metallic tang
as i coughed up rust
breaking, breaking

coiled within and writhing
as the shock slithers into aches
breaking apart in sulphurous acid
tearing holes in my viscera
as i'm blistered and vitriolic
hurting, hurting

contorted inhumanely
as the irascible aftershocks
flowed magma on my insides
burning me internally
as i waited for it to be over
dying, dying.

Maybe I should run away.
Try to find a summer day.
What is Love?
Love is pain,
Love is butterflies
and stomach aches,
Love is looking out a window pane
tears dripping
looking like you in the rain.