I could momentarily forget
And it would all be fine for a day
But I don't like forgetting
Or pretending I don't feel the way I do
But for the sake of others
It looks like I'll almost always have to

Let me feel the cold.
Won't you let the heavens relieve the snow?
Can't I be caved in on the inside out?
I want to feel the bracing cold pain me,
I want to feel it hard.
But nothing will shove away what I feel;
What I feel and what I don't.
I don't know why I always have to **** up,
I don't know what's the best to do for him,
I don't know what I've gone and done.
I don't want to be here.
I told myself not to get anyone else in my life,
Because then it would be easier to want to go,
Maybe I could but I won't because I can't.
I'm left here wondering why I'm so ****** up,
And I admit to him that I am just that,
And he says no you're not and asks me why,
I just say "reasons" and I can't name any;
I can't think of any to name,
Any that won't go down too deep.
Why, oh why can't I ever do anything?
Why can't I just be normal and have the right feelings?

Obey the everlasting voices.
Those that beg you do,
They'll be here until you die,
The only ones that will never leave you,
Not even at night,
Like a soul mate - they'll be here when you cry.

Obey them young child,
You must learn to sacrifice your lust,
There's light and then there's darkness,
Although, here there's only you,
You wonder where you are.

Keep walking in the shadows,
Be careful you don't stumble and trip
In the land of murkiness.
They await around corners,
Unrevealed; out of sight for most,
But never out of your mind.

What's wrong with her?
She must be hysterical; psychotic; certifiable.
No one sees things the way she does,
No one sees them at all:
The shadows in the corners of the room,
The nails - or was that claws - against the windows.

They don't feel
The panic
Like she does.

They'll creep into your room at night,
You scream, trying to tell them goodbye,
Except they never leave,
You beg please
And they lock you in the cellar.

Months go by and it takes,
Half a year to notice,
You haven't been seen outside.
It takes them months for you to find yourself screaming at the walls,
****** clothes on the floor,
Because you want to get rid of yourself,
Before they **** you.

You used to belong to me,
Life used to be good;
It was like we spent time in another universe.
If you don't realise it was all down to you,
Then I don't know how you manage to be so ignorant.

Now it's as if you don't exist,
And when I catch a glimpse of you it's like I had forgotten,
Disgust reaches throughout my body,
To remind me what has changed.
I hope you're happy now,
Because I'm happier than I would be,
If you still bothered with me.

Back to then,
We were all great,
Maybe just on the surface somewhere,
But for me,
I really felt that the roots were deep down,
Stable safety, that won't be drowned.

Maybe we didn't.
I think we crumbled instead,
Burning.
I guess you caused an earthquake with your unnecessary everything,
Well it triggered a volcanic eruption,
Because the town of our groups friendship,
Was nothing more than ashes,
That could never be restored.

Nearly two years ago,
You took away your comfort from us hunny,
But I know you're also somehow the damaged party.
At least maybe that's what you think,
I'm not sure I could actually agree,
But I'll humour you,
Because you don't humour me.

And I hope you like your twisted nickname,
Because I'm not one for cute pet names,
But I am for sweet sarcastic revenge,
Maybe now you can feel guilty if I start being even more kind.

I won't dare to link that I felt protected,
Like I finally belonged here,
And now I just feel nothing and everything,
Back into the outside of this cold dark place,
But at least I have someone real to light it up again.

You don't,
So part of me wants to be nice,
Even though it's all your fault,
But then again I also want to,
Slap you in the ******* face.
It's not our job to take care of you anymore;
Keep spare arms open,
When you made sure that you don't deserve them.

I wonder how you're still surrounded by people,
But that's just who you are,
A beautiful excuse of a friendly human being,
It's not true.
You'll show them how ugly you can be in time,
And I remind myself I have to forgive their obliviousness,
Because you hide it the best,
Out of all those disasters I've met.

Sometimes I may still feel alone,
But I know I'm really not,
As I have the girl you lunged for:
My actual best friend,
My sister until the end,
Without your temporary false sanity.

Then there's you,
With people to talk to
For all the times I'm silent,
But I don't think they're real though.
Are they willing to sit with you in the dark?
How long for then?
Or should I ask how long it will be until you show them how you escape?

You always said you were made to be alone,
But we thought we'd show you that's not true,
You proved us wrong by showing us the reason,
It's because you're not true,
Even if a slight section of my heart still wants to wonder.

As I said, I'll be kind,
Even if I don't wholly want to,
But I'll say it just for now,
That I don't hate you.
I say it a lot and I'll keep going,
Honestly though, it still isn't true.

I really feel the burn of my hatred sometimes,
But there's somewhere that it doesn't meet,
And I'll never fall to your feet,
Though at the end of this life,
I'll be forced to admit that I don't really accept hating.

Lately I've been realising,
Forgiveness is important,
Then I thought about you:
The person I'm not sure I can apply it to,
The only thing is that I loved you once,
So if anyone were able to see deep inside,
They find I actually don't hate anyone any longer,
Because I'm too strong to be weak in that one place.

Don't worry though,
You still have no way of coming back.
While I'm confessing this I still feel like screaming,
About how much I really hate you.

It is partly true but not to the full extent,
No I don't have 100% hatred to offer you,
I've figured out not to keep bothering,
Too much with your type of evil.
This is because occasionally I still remember,
The illusion I thought was you.

I hope you have fun,
When your apparent friends for now cease,
Because I'm sure they just have to wait,
For you to do more of the same forbidden things,
Because no one else will enjoy it.
Isn't this supposed to be your sick entertainment?
Because I don't know why else you would do it.

I know if they found out I'd feel guilty,
Until then I feel safe

And if they found out during the process,
Soul crushingly instead,
But that's just my mistake.

Sometimes I think I might like to complain
About hardly ever seeing you,
Because not once have I found you.

I've never been the child looking up to you
There's probably one of those now though,
A little girl or boy,
That you tuck into bed at night
With a kiss on the head.
You know they're the one thing that you don't regret.

You can't regret me either you know,
Because you don't know me.
I haven't happened,
Or at least that's what you think.
Surely you'd have known
But I guess that you didn't care,
Did you dad?
Is it okay?
Can I call you that?
No, it's not because you're nothing to me
You never have been.
I wanted you
Maybe I still do.

Has anyone noticed how sad it is?
It can seem like the only thing people look to succeed in,
Is in loosing weight.
People constantly talk about it.
Don't pretend you don't hear their plans.
No one seems to be happy.
They just want to loose weight.
Okay if you're not a healthy weight,
It's good to try to loose some.
Well that depends on how.
Then there's those who are skinny.
Or even just a decent size.
It seems like no matter what they all want to be lighter.

Then there's people like me.
You see I'm here too,
But this isn't what I choose to do.
Call me fat if you want to.
Call me what you like.
I eat what I want.
How much I want.
Whenever I want.
I have no limit and I don't keep a record.
If you kept on track of what I eat,
And you think it's unhealthy.
Still you can say what I want.
I still look after myself in the way that I am healthy.
I'm not the healthiest of course.
I don't really mind.
I'm fine so I don't care.
It's not like I'm skinny.
I don't know if you'd call my body decent,
As it's all about the beholder.
Here's what I think,
It's that I'm probably the happiest about my body.
Or at least for the past year just gone.
I'm not bothered to change.
Why try to loose weight,
When my weight's okay?
Right now I don't mind my body.
I wouldn't get fulfilment out of workouts and diets.
Not right now.
That would not make me happy.
More likely stressed and annoyed.
I won't set myself up for failure,
For a success I don't even want.

I know that I need to distance myself from these memories,
I know that, it's clearly no good for me.
I know I should focus on who I still have,
because I know they're the ones' who are worth it.
I'm sorry that I am not able to do that right now;
I don't know the cure for nostalgia.
You could tell me that it's my brains way
of clinging onto something long gone,
it's just it's the kind of pain
that I fear being without.

I know that it has changed so much now,
and I should let the memories fade,
But I am  scared of forgetting
and I don't want to forgive.
Forgiveness isn't an option after what they did,
and you don't forgive the wicked people who hurt your best friend like that.
They seemed so innocent.
They seemed so polite.
Now I'm forever facing the facts that they turned out nothing of the sort.

The memories aren't real anymore.
The people they were made with were fake,
because they've shown their true colours
and on the inside I can't handle it at all.
I know I have to stop thinking,
I know they don't deserve my last thoughts.
I thought everyone gets what they deserve in the end,
but now I'm not so sure.
She didn't deserve what they did to her,
Not in the slightest at all.
So how come those Devils are fine?
I know that I should be fine by now.

Push those memories and feelings back,
those girls' can't hurt you anymore.
I know some people would think I'm just hurting myself.
I know that prolonging this pain won't change them to who I thought they were.
I keep saying I know
But at the end of the day
I don't know what to do

So if someone finds a cure for nostalgia,
Please come looking for me.

I'm not allowed to keep doing this,
Pretending that you still exist with me,
You left me and I should be over it,
I know it's all my fault,
Except I just can't let go of all the time we spent,
Laughing and being best friends.
I still imagine that we're okay,
That we're still mates and you didn't go away.

When I think of the future,
I still fantasise that you might be in it,
When in reality you don't even care,
I doubt I own a second of your subconscious thoughts.
The only thing I ever get:
Is myself in the dark.

If you share your shadows,
You should expect those people,
To go away.

I never wanted to write poems about her
(Unless intentionally)
Because if she came back it would feel embarrassing,
Because I wouldn’t want to mark her like that,
As someone who I felt guilty about giving a reason to be guilty.
Usually when I write poems it’s about something or someone who really hurt me,
And I could never let that be true
So I never allowed myself to write about her like that,
Because I would tell her everything but I wouldn’t want to tell her that.
And now I know she’s not coming back,
But I don’t want to do it still,
I know I do it anyway,
But I can’t make myself press delete
On things that mean she’s never coming back to mess me around again.
My heart, or maybe my soul, can’t forget
That we were supposed to still be best friends.

Why aren’t you here?
I feel like screaming
If I ever had a chance the words would disappear,
You’re never going to be close enough to hear me,
You must have blocked me out long ago
And now all I’m doing is disrupting myself,
Maybe it’s you that’s giving me ill health.

It’s okay, I don’t mean it,
I could say I know it’s my fault
But then something stops me,
The fact it is not,
You left me, you deserted without ever existing to me,
Yet I have to exist just because you decided?
I don’t care how you put it,
You weren’t there and “nothing being fair”
Is supposed to make that all okay again.
It was never okay to begin with.

Maybe I could have been enough,
How would you know?
You never gave me a chance to try,
So when I feel like trying, I push all this distraught energy upon myself,
I doom myself to days of playing to lose,
Because what is the use?
I blame it on you, then I blame it on me,
Even though deep down I know it’s not really
My fault because you did this to me,
How could I have hurt you?
Just some innocent cells that you’d already decided
Were too much for you.

Or I make different scenarios,
All of them painful and none profound,
So I can spread this blazing blame,
Across two people who
Will probably never feel shame about it,
I let my mind drift to an alternate universe,
Where maybe you could’ve been good,
Just a little, although I feel ashamed
To let myself immerse in such pointless activity,
In an alternate universe I wouldn’t be deserving anyway,
But it’s all pent up, and I say it’s how you’ve made me feel,
But what if it’s just me?
What if the whispers are right and it is my fault?
Maybe you were always better off
Without me and that’s why you’re not here,
Because you should never have been weighed down by me,
So well done, congratulations
Because you know you never were,
You must’ve got your happy ending,
While I’m still here waiting
To feel like I can love someone
Even if your ever there space may have broke me.

So I find your door
All broken down
And I tap it gently,
Loud enough to say that I knocked,
But quiet enough
To walk in without an invite.
I see you on your knees
Then look down to the floor,
Where I find the place is a mess
Just like you say it is inside of your head.
Whilst I ponder over what's going on;
I find you.

You look bruised and burned
And claim you wonder why I bother,
But I don't care
As long as I get to have you here.
Even when your words are ice cold
I can still feel the fire in your soul,
So it doesn't matter what you speak
As it doesn't matter what you preach.
I'm learning you like my favourite song,
So that I can and I do this;
I find you.

I find you;
And I do as a child finds the alphabets letters;
The beans in the soup;
The sauce in the ketchup bottle.
I care and I want you.
Without a master plan,
I still try and make you confide,
Even though it doesn't always work.
This much so,
That it resorts to screaming
All the jumbled up words
That we may have learned.
As surely as it is
Dark in the night
And light in the day;
I find you.

And I will always try to find you,
If it's the first and last thing I do everyday.
So you should not worry,
For if you get lost
I will find you.
I don't care if it involves
Wasting my own life away;
For you, my love,
I will find you,
Just to keep you warm
And kiss you hello and goodbye.

I wish I could just simply run.
I want to know what it feels like,
to run outside in moon or daylight.
I want to feel the fresh air,
and feel like i'm not being looked at.
I want to know what it feels like,
to not be scared to jog outside and then see people.
I don't want to be made fun of,
I don't 'do' public exercise.
Anyway, I probably wouldn't be bothered,
if I felt that I could try.

I think I need new friends
Because, I'm bored of being kept waiting,
I'm annoyed with constant rejection.
I care too much and then all they aspire to do
Is to leave me,
Often multiple times,
As if it is so easy.

I think I need new friends,
But that's a waste of time.
I'll only be trying to shape someone in my mind,
Whose exactly like the others.
If you want a friendship as amazing as the last one,
You'd better have it with the same person,
But they left you
And treated you like *******,
After all they knew you'd always be there.

And I'm still waiting,
Though they never come back,
And even if they did,
I wouldn't be able to take them back.
I never used to let this person get away with everything,
So I don't know how it happened.
And once a friendship is dead,
There really is no coming back:
I've tried it but it's never been the same, except from once that is,
But they've left me for the last time,
Except now they're not coming back.

I think I need new friends,
Should it really make me feel so bad?
Aren't friends supposed to pick you up when you are sad?
All I ever do, is get left all on my own,
And in these desperate times,
When I only want approval,
All I see is holes in the connections
I'm supposed to have with people.
They say they're close when they can be bothered,
But mostly they're only far away.

I think I need new friends because,
I am sick of feeling this way.