I wont care about you today,
As how I cared for you yesterday,
And how I'll care for you tomorrow.

I wont reach for you today,
As how I've held you dear all these years,
And how I will definitely continue to.

I wont seek your attention today,
As how I have longed for your affection,
And how I soon will beg for the absolution of it.

I wont have your promised advancement today,
As how yesterday and the days before,
Was only ever amorous play...

As your ash-heap talking,
I wont have it today,
I cant..

For the world is dark,
But my feelings are never the same shade,
Makes it so much more painful...
Like an angel stuck in hell.

And it saddens me to know,
That our time spent together...
Is longer in my mind,
than in the physical realm.

That our memories,
Last further than our future,
And my love for you..
Outwins and ruins my own temple.

I remember your presence,
Without the present,
And I remember the past,
Without the passing..

Why do I sit here still,
Fiddling thumbs..
Without a finger to yield.

I wish I could forget,
Please someone help me forget,
I wish it could all be blurred,
For you already make me unheard.

Please understand my words slurred,
It came from the wishes that I know,
I might sound drunk or broke,
But my throat is saying I'm fully choked.

And this not a threat,
I guarantee
This is not a warning sign,
Guaranteed.

Don't run and try and help me
I expect unexpectancy.

I want it fully done,
I'm a newspaper loose in the street,
And I think it's time to free people..
of the ink.

I can't learn to let you go,
You toy with my bruised used youth,
And I need to need you,

Even whilst the
black and blue spreads.

I love you like the rain,
I'll happily watch from a window,
Admire your cinematic sounds,
Awe at the wetness glaze,
But I refuse to be a body...
Soaked in your discomfort,
Even though I crave for you to devolve,
Into every one of my skin cells,
I know enough to know,
That at first it will seem freeing..
But will become a killing nuisance
..

A chilling one,
Full of regretful unspoken speeches.
So I'll watch from the window pane,
Because if I adventure any further...
It would only cause so much..
Future pain.

I don't say I love you,
To the most important people,
Because the words are too heavy,
Yet too small

It's cold,
Too cold,
My co worker says I might have low blood pressure,
That it's strange my body never seems to be able to adapt to the cold,
My hand hurts as we walk,
Feeling the cracks already exposing,
And my lips a purplish blue,
My mouth dries,
And we separate as our routes take us different directions.

The night feels dark,
Of course the night is dark..
But it feels too dark.

The ground glitters from the crystallization,
Beautiful but makes it's surroundings feel like shadows,
So much darker.

I don't want to slip so every step is deliberate,
But the night feels like it's sinking,
And my ten minute walk starts to feel like 30.

Noises in the loneliness sets my heart pumping,
I accidentally stepped on a branch,
And the crack sound in my mind was a warning sign from the universe,
I need the safety of my home and quick.

The swishes of my trousers speed up joining my heart beat,
As I feel my mind starts to mentally break,
Like I'm on a brick wall in the middle of a turbulent black sea,
Knowing if I fall I'm gone.

I wonder why I've become like this,
Is it too much viewership of dark content?
Or do I just know cruelty exists,
If so from what?
From my history?
If so...what exact part?

Finding the source of my ****** reactions aids distraction from the occuring distress,
If I cant find the source,
Then the only explanation left is the one I'm truly terrified of..
That I can sense what's to come,
My impending doom,
That if I'm not home,
I'm not going to be anywhere at all,
If I don't quicken my speed,
The black sea whoever...
Whatever that may be,
Will swallow...

There will be no me.

These are my thoughts as im walking tonight,
I wonder if anyone has any similar ones.

False memories,
Is believed to be inside every human,
From conjuring a memory from a dream,
To witnessing a funny act and suffering a lifetime of petty arguments as to who and who didn't actually do it,
Or even remembering events before the age of memory existed.

I see those erased memories,
Like a bird that just flew far and farth away,
Ending lost to roam the spiky unconcious,
Flying low,
Dodging and resting,
To only being able to chirp its existence in our dreams...
Trying to let us know they're there.

As I got older,
And the bird started chipping at my branches,
I started worshipping the concept of false memories like she was my god,
I prayed and admired her,
For the times when my head felt like it would explode from that bird chirps,
I would cling to her,
Hoping that she would convince me not to listen,
That she'd deny that bird,
Give me a moment of silence.

Because those chirps,
Always speak the unimaginable,
That would **** me.

I go through this world like a machine,
But whats the point in a broken machine,
That chokes on it's own oil.

^

How can I save you,
When I cant bear the thought..
Of not being able to.

Looking back,
I just wish you left me...
A little bit sooner.

At least soon enough..
So I was less like you.

You burn,
Your flames rise more,
Offering them warmth,
You burn and burn,
Their wooden throats,
And their cold inners,
Now only love it when you're scorching hot.

So you burn and...
you burn,
They are surely pleased.

But the more you burn,
The easier they become cold,
And the quicker you cease,
To smoke.

Oh he the wounded wounder,
With wounds that bled on us all,
His Daughters and Sons,
Now bounder to the flogger,
Cursed to always follow that whip's call.

To survive you only need to change skin,
Never heart.

The world is rotting,
And I'll rather rot with it,
Then to be a white flower,
Warily waiting to be wilted.

She fell in love with a man between the sheets,
Sheets of black ink,
And Victorian writing.

I've never believed in God,
But when I first saw you,
I believed in him,
Because only a godly creature
Could create you.

And when I stared into your eyes,
I saw gods light reflect within them,
And that was the moment I knew..

There must be something out there.

There is a point in your life,
where you'll see exactly who you are,
every flaw...every perfection,
everything will be laid out in front of your eyes.

This may become the moment of first death,
Or may be the moment of a second beautiful birth,
Whatever it may be,
Is totally up to you.

So what's your next move?

There's a pathogen inside me,
it makes me want something i cannot have,
but still I imagine and afterwards,
i feel sick to my bone after finishing.

There's a pathogen inside me,
that makes me wonder whether its okay to be like this,
but its the only thing to fulfill my needs
and reach its ecstasy...

There's a pathogen inside me,
is it safe...is it just needs?
am i normal?

You basked in the wide stares of seeking glaze,
in the sensual touch,
that could be felt from the most vast distances,
your clocks of youthful imaginations,
spun the ticks of all that could become between you,
just from a gaze of two strangers that lasted a second,
but sometimes felt like fate deciding minutes.

Whether it was upon the street passing a slight bump between you,
or the man in the library who picked up one of your favorite books,
a stranger...a friend...or an acquaintance that made you smile once,
a person your age,
or a man who maybe had more years carved into his structure,
the thought expressed within you at that exact moment,
was always a fantasy of love that one day you hoped be reality.

But somewhere a foggy area between the past and the present,
the framework ticked dramatically into a newer vision that,
dulled but quickened the senses,
that lock of eyes that made blushed cheeks,
that engineered the warm shiver that went from head to feet,
altered in a way that made once curling toes,
walk faster with rushed speed.

In that grey area between the past and present...somewhere,
made those seeking eyes become one of a predator,
those Eden loving dreams turned into warning images,
of dark alleyways,
footsteps that climbed up your spine in the night,
torment of a stolen body

I wonder when you changed,
when did those cute half smiles become signs of future blood,
of bleeding out if you returned the slightest hint,
was it growth?
was it knowledge of the world?
or was it experiences?
what was it?

What made those locked eyes go from 'plans'
to..."what the hell is he planning"

It's okay to cry,
But when you cry,
Cry till your heart breaks apart
Accept those feelings,
Caress them and embrace their touch.
Because when you have no tears
Left to shed
You can Remend yourself
And always and always love again.

Is that the yapping of a dog,
or a croak from a bird.
Is that sound from the drains,
or a incoming train.
Is that glow from a street lamp,
or the hum of the moonlight,
Is that dampness from a bench,
or the condensation from the cold night.
Is that someone in the trees,
or is branches swaying with the breeze.
Is that a snap from an intruders foot,
or is that just falling wood.
Is that you watching me?
or useless thoughts kicking in.
Is that my heart beat?
or loud increasing drums playing in the distance.

Is that your eyes soaking in my skin,
your breath in my ear,
your presence engulfing me,

is that you within the trees
or is it just me?

From bed to couch,
with shoulders sharing a distant brush,
you light a cigarette between sharp teeth,
your back bent so the cherry illuminates my naked knee.

That small fire spark,
of blooming blushing color,
grants me more warmth,
than you are willing to donate and let me discover.

It's smoke fumes the voiceless room,
the ashes drift delicately to embrace the floor,
I watch with eyes of green and wobbling lips,
until you complete the parting ritual.

Once you're gone I sit for a while,
mulling and chewing on my gagging thoughts,
endlessly seeking an answer for just...
one dreading question.

Why does smoke and ashes,
always linger longer around me,
than your presence?

I'm nothing but a drawing,
ready to be erased with a single scrub.

I run,
and arrive
at someplace worse.

I mend,
and end up,
more disfigured.

My circus of trying,
goes on,
and on and on...

A clown,
trailing me in glee for the fall,
cheering my weak knees on as I crawl,

I'm tempted
so tempted to drop,
But

Patience is all I've got left.

Lay beside me one last time,
Allow your tears to soak the sheets of our pretense,
Clutch my hand while your teeth pounce on your lips,
Always trying to hold back your gasping cries,
But your face still shrieks and deafens my ears.

Lay beside me one last time,
Staring at each other in devoted distaste,
My lips giving you a soft smile of a guilty goodbye,
Your eyes starting its spasm of unspoken begs,
Always flashing our buried memories in one last attempt.

Just lay beside me one last time,
Just one last time stare at me
So I can mouth the false words
'All will be fine'
Then your eyes will drift to sleep believing,
my one last lie.

Just wake alone one last time,
But for the first time with a full heart,
         And please believe... I'm begging believe...
                       I was just the most unpleasant dream.

I faked everything
and for once I felt something,

with every
dead arm beneath you
hair in between my lips
the gentle squeezes
your eyebrows turning angry
the kisses
the connection
with every ****** feeling

I finally actually felt something

and for that to go,
it just feels like
I felt something to make me realise
I never was anything

                                            I was nothing
                                              I'm nothing

The strange occurrence of love,
is one to not indulge,
in a vision with no light,
the black is a loving home,
with broken souls that become a gentle touch,
what once was blue from blurs of youth,
is grey with undignified truth,
do I ditch the spoken or the seen,
the felt or the unreality,
the body or the soul,
the heart or my cold bones,
echoes of conscious and the unwilled,
fireflies and deaths of stillness,
a mix of nothing and the scrape of something,
the lack of knowledge about my understanding,
mix of thoughts and lack of action,
seems my mind has turned into
a poisoned slushi of carnage
and
dying passion.

He always wanted to own and steal,
her very existence that she wields,
so one day he reached into her chest,
blood was spilling and it became a mess,
he finally grasped what he thought,
was her beating tool instead though...
came out a pile of coal.

And with surprise he shrieked,
"what the ****, where the hell is your heart?"
she glanced at him calmly,
responded wisely,

"I don't know what that is,
but I think I lost it to my father,
when I was still a kid"

For he with the blonde curls,
Who set you from stone to glass,
For he with greyness and age,
Who set you from virtue to lust,
And for the fathers who warned,
Who set you in a statue of shame,
With his constant looks of disbelieving.

For she with the stars of freckles,
Who set you from glass to shards,
For she with the condensation of coldness,
Who set you on route to loneliness,
And for the mothers who neglected,
Who set you with no comfort,
With no help after the males visited.

For the creaks of floorboards,
Threatening unholy arrival,
For the thousands of bed squeaks,
Helping by gifting distraction,
For the hotel clerks gentle knowing smiles,
For the cheeks I can force upwards,
For the sacred of tears that disappeared with new numbness,
For the child within me who had such urgency to grow up,
And for me...for me.

Spasming in life’s web,
Clustering under eight legged dreads,
Watching some rise from its smother,
But only for short pathetic seconds.

I watch many downfalls,
Idle in wait for my own,
Seizuring with a horrible burden,
Fortune telling with no end fortune.

All mere blinded mirrors laying in wait,
Distorting the spidery figure differently,
Mine reflects its harsh fangs and nature,
Others reflects admiration towards the creator.

The web a complex beauty,
But I can’t claim cruelty home,
The ripples of intertwined death,
Some by father...foe...or friend.

The inhumane humanity,
Puppets and the almighty player,
Cloud me from things called prayer,
For that hope must be alive and well.

I’m just waiting for my bones to decay,
Peace in nothingness or so you claim flames,
Free from the *******
And all that it stands for.

I’m an unholy ghost.