The terms and conditions of loving the unloveable:

Participate at your own risk. The problem with loving a dream is that it is a two player game and you are the only one with dice to roll. 

1 and 5. They will tell you they love you in black and white, with mottled colour on ivory skin.

3 and 2. They will tell you that you are beautiful and then let you go.

6 and 6. Your face met with the devil’s fist. You will give your love to a loveless being and they will say thank you with a few broken bones and muffled excuses in only an emergency. In case of an emergency please dial 4. Please dial 4, please dial 4. They will smoke cigarettes as your shaking hands reach up for their face and they will tell you to clean up the blood in the kitchen, in the kitchen, “get in the kitchen”.

You roll again.

6 and 6. Your face met with the devil’s fist. Your hands bound and blood running down your wrists. Please dial 4, please dial 4. He will change, of course he will.

Roll Again.

6 and 12. A third dice to make the game and he will hurt you again and again and again.

The unloveable.

They are not made for lovers hearts or lovers eyes or the morning kiss of a weary child. They are made to hurt and they are made to bleed through the look in their eyes and the names they call you, through the destruction of skin on skin and the idea that anything pure in life must be a ******* sin.

Waking up to a heavy chest
My body begging me to sleep again
And my anxiety begins the second I realize I'm alive
I'm trying to learn to function
With all of this negative energy inside me
I know it'll pass and
I know it'll get better
But right now it hurts
I feel unloved
Unloveable
I feel lost inside myself
A place I can't stay too long
Before I lose my mind
I can tell myself I'm worth it and
That my worth isn't defined by others
And it works for a bit
Until something else comes up and
My heart loses its energy
And I either feel like giving up
Or ready to fight everyone

While I was sleeping,
He took my trust.
While I was dreaming
He was all about another to lust.

Its just ***
So why you catching feelings
When your body was the only part of the deal and
We agreed that your mouth don't come with it
Do you want us to quit?
He would say
As he ****** her soul from between her lips
And tighten up his grip on her hips

You had a choice before
You dont wanna be "just friends" anymore
I never wanted a rrelationship
You got yourself into this situationship
So stop that whining ****
He whispered looking into the mirror that was once her eyes
Before he made her blind
Before he couldn't see through her

I llove what you give to me
I love when you pleasing me
But I don't want you loving me
The *** is just enough for me
It was fun when it was hard to get
Now you're just hard to respect
Now your eyes are clouded with regret
He moaned thrusting into her mentality
Stroking her disabilities
To love herself
To love anyone else
Cause he's all she can see
He's the only thing that's real
He's all she learned to feel
And he's just expecting her to deal

Chill out with the feelings
You're getting unappealing
Your soul is so revealing
The poet in you lost all her meaning
You're demeaning
Youre no longer a woman
You're a substance
You're just a thing
He reveals stripping her of self security
Ripping off the bandage that she placed over her heart so carefully


But you're light
You shine so bright
You're all I think about at night
You make everything so right
But you're making me weak
Love is sweet
But not for someone who makes a living in the streets
I'd rather love you in the sheets
And rip your heart out before you leave
The biggest punishment that life could ever give
Give to you I mean
The biggest punishment would be falling in love with unloveable me
He thought carefully
Quietly
Watching the tears fall from her face
Watching her steps as she leave his place
As his home and heart and soul becomes empty again
He only knows how to cause pain
Only knows how to inflict gentle suffering
Cause everyone he's ever loved left him in the rain
But she let him in
And he's letting her go again.
After all its just ***
So why did she catch feelings
When her body was the only part of the deal and
He gave her the choice before
To be "just friends" and nothing more
Although he wants so Much more .

She spent day on day
week on week
month on month
year on year
trying to figure out what was wrong with herself
what made her so unloveable.
many told her that she only cared about herself;
an entitled, selfish, unloveable shell woman.
and all of those theories just made her laugh
because the last thing she could ever do is love herself.
she hated no one more than her own self.
she just couldn't do it;
love the unloveable.

You are so unloveable
and yet I love you.
Why isn't that enough for you?

Relating the incompatible
Reconciling irreconcilable
Forgetting the indelible
Walking the liquid ground.

Turning the dark on at noon
Being an octopus in the body of a racoon
Melting the stone, stoning the melted
No utterance commented.

How does it feel to be unreal?
You may not like me when I disagree
But teach me how to like me
While I'm

Relating the incompatible
Reconciling irreconcilable
Forgetting the indelible
Walking the liquid ground.

Turning the dark on at noon
Being an octopus in the body of a racoon
Melting the stone, stoning the melted

I'll romance the unloveable
Place my shoulder under the unbearable
The pose we take in an argument
Sustainable measurement.

at age 10,
my mother pointed
At the small birth mark
On my left knee and said,
"Someone's going to love
You for that one day."

At age 16,
I told her that a boy,
One far away,
Told me I was unloveable.
"He couldn't be more wrong,"
She promised.

At age 19,
She picked up my prescription,
And cried,
"I don't want you
To get your heart broken,
Mary." She sobbed.

The empty encouragements mean nothing,
When a daughter has decided
That the need to be tragically beautiful,
Is more important than the need
To be exceptionally loved.

Too many times I was the source of realization.
I was the careless lust while the real love waited
My skin is French vanilla
You like the way it tastes on your tongue
But her skin is a field of lavender and lilac
All of your butterflies fly toward her
the second her flesh molds over your lips

You keep telling me I have you
But I know where your eyes go
when she walks passed you

Mirrors are all traitors
As in them I can see
Just what a monster I am;
That I will always be.
I have lumps and and spots
That make me unloveable.
And everything I eat is
Another bite of trouble.

Why can’t I ever look
Like the models in the book?
Why is it that I
Can’t look myself in the eye?
No one will look longingly
At the gorgon I turned out to be.

I don’t watch cartoons
Because what I see is me
What did I do to deserve
To become so **** ugly?
Did I cross the path of a cat
That was an omen meant to warn
And I ignored it so now
I inherited this awful form?

Why can’t I be the kind
With a beautifully formed behind?
I wish it was my history
To stimulate evil jealousy.

I want to look like a dream,
But instead I must surrender
A fragile wish, as it seems
An unfilled hope altogether.
Some friends are sweet to me
They say I look fine to them,
But I know what I can see
And I deserve no diadem.

Anxiety is like the movie "Honey, I Shrunk The Kids",
except it's the sequel "Honey, We Shrunk Ourselves",
because you have no one else to blame for how big and scary the world seems around you.
To anyone else, a stair is just a stair,
but this stair in life is towering over me and I have no clue how to overcome.
This stair might be getting out of bed,
being around other people,
or shopping at a store alone.

Fairly easy tasks,
but I feel I have to ******* my oxygen tank and climb Mt. Everest.

Anxiety is like when you are sick,
and the bathroom is a mere 10 steps away,
but like in the cartoons,
the bathroom stretches to miles away before my eyes.
10 steps is now 10,000,
in those 10,000 steps to school, or work, so many things could go wrong.

Anxiety is knowing you're thinking irrationally.
Thinking against yourself in your head,
wanting to strangle whatever force is driving you mad.
Like finding an on-off switch,
but no matter how many times you flip it, nothing happens.

Anxiety is laying in bed,
plauged with possibilities of problems,
not moving a muscle,
paralyzed by the endless possible outcomes of failure.
I feel as if I'm in a big gray cloud.
I can see through it, but yet it is so dense I am captive by my own paranoia.

Anxiety is being a walking imperfection.
Where one zit on your forehead acts as a big red, flashing, arrow floating above your head saying IMPERFECT
DISGUSTING
UNLOVEABLE

Anxiety is wanting to love yourself
so so very bad
and fighting every day against a bug infesting your beautiful brain
with negative self talk.

Anxiety is trying to fall asleep at night,
and with every breath,
my body gets smaller and smaller,
my thoughts have weight like a lead balloon,
filling with every breath,
my head is heavy and I feel my chest caving in.

Anxiety is the anti-Cupid who stabs an arrow between anyone I've ever loved.
She is the imaginary mistress I can't help but suspect,
no matter how many times he says he loves me.
What if one day he doesn't?
What if one day everything I hate about myself he hates too?
Anxiety is the mistress he never knows is there,
and yet I push her towards him.

With Anxiety there are options.
There is one switch that does work.
It is a big red button labeled MEDICATION
this button will destroy every anxious though I may have
but often in wars the innocent suffer.

If this button is pressed, I lose everything.
Anger, sadness, paranoia,

I lose happiness.
I lose the feeling of love,
excitement,
hopefulness.

My heart and brain become an empty forgotten shoe box that I don't need anymore.

My body smiles when my brain believes it should,
and fills the air with laughter that isn't mine.

Someone tells a joke and my stomach never hurts from laughing.

I don't have crushes on cute boys.

My deep brown eyes look as if they are made of glass... Emotionless.

Kisses feel like flicks.
Hugs feel like uncomfortable, uncessary squeezes.

I find myself going through the motions, like an extra on a TV set.
Saying words that have no meaning.
Moving my mouth but nothing is truly coming out.

I stop petting my cat.

It is inconvenient when my dog greets me at the door and licks me.

My mother tells me she loves me and I despise it.. I don't know why.

I forget what it is like to feel.

I am a robot in a human's body.

If you tell me to take medication,
I am letting my illness win,
with a white flag in hand.

I refuse to throw away every piece of me for "peace."

"Maybe I'm unloveable. Is that it? Am I unloveable, Leigh?"

silly boy.
silly, beautiful boy.
you could never be unloveable.
I love you.
I love you so much.
I'd scream it from the peak of the highest mountain if I could reach it.
But you don't know that.

"It isn't you, bud. It's just that girls don't see how great you are."

A coward's answer, that.
Whoever thought that the sometimes brutally honest girl would be afraid to say
"I love you"?
I
love
*you

Autistically
speaking
I applaud
your intelligence!

flap flap
clap clap

when you
don't think
before
you think

flap flap
clap clap

or open your
*******
******* mouth!

and disparage
and belittle
those with

a learning
disability.

But then maybe
It's you who is
disabled
as you don't
seem able to
distinguish
between what
is right and wrong
what is cruel and kind

flap flap
clap clap

in your ignorance
you are blind
and your
intellectual mind
is a snob
of the worse kind

Looking down
from your high brow
because you
are so clever

I forget
Let's all applaud
and you can remark
(Out of context of course)
that they're all ******* retards

flap flap
clap clap

Well aren't you hard!
You bully when
you say

the dimwits
and the morons,
unloveable,
undateable,
unwanted,
a drain of society
they should all be
put down.

Not somebody
you would choose
to be friends with
or if you did
it would be so you
take advantage of
an idiots good nature
and pure heart!

flap flap
clap clap

Or so you
could look good
in comparison
to them
and maybe it
would knock your
own IQ up
a number or two!

Your average ******
could teach you a
thing about numbers
if you asked them

And you wouldn't want
your own kids
playing
with them
incase they catch it....

Catch what?....
the ability to be
awesome
to think outside
the box
to see feel and
understand
and experience
the world and
people in a
completely
unheard of way.
To smell colours
and taste words,
and your inability
to deviate from
anything other
than your narrow
little mind
really is absurd!

So let's all clap
and flap flap
flap flap flap
and maybe
shriek a bit too!

They are the true
freethinkers
the true misfits
the pure and
the truly blessed

They are
the ones
the people
who are
"different"
"Individual"
as you
would like
to be

flap flap
clap clap
You ignorant ****!

Autistically speaking

Who's the ****** now?



©Jacqui Slade

You once said you couldn't picture anyone not loving me.
Don't worry, I can picture it really, really well.

I'm stuck
Stuck here
Here now
I'm stuck here now

I'm tired
Tired of
Of life
I'm tired of life

I'm alone
Alone forever
Forever now
I'm alone forever now

I'm unloveable
Unloveable to
To all
I'm unloveable to all

I'm stuck here now
I'm tired of life
I'm alone forever now
I'm unloveable to all

I'm me

About: CFL
4/13/13

You made me love you
Against my will
You grew tired of me
But I love you still

Am I as unloveable
As it seems?
Can I only truly
Be loved in my dreams?

I did nothing wrong
And you threw me away
Was I just a distraction
For a rainy day?

I thought we were happy
That we'd never part
Then out of the blue
You broke my heart

You said 'forever'
I thought it was true
I never felt for anyone
What I felt for you

I feel it still
Though you obviously don't
My brain says 'let go'
But my heart just won't

They say to move on
And meet someone new
I've tried and I've tried
But my heart's set on you

I hate you sometimes
For hurting me
You made me fall
But didn't catch me

You walked away without a scratch
I was put in Intensive Care
You're safe at home without a care
I'm lost without you; still gasping for air

It's been years since that day
My world fell apart
When you crushed my dreams
And shattered my heart

But my heart still holds on
My love was so true
I've tried to let go
But I still think of you

I want to move on
For this wound to heal
But time only EASES
The pain that I feel

The wound's not so fresh
The pain not as bad
But still it hurts
And makes me so sad

Confusion and hurt
A wound that won't mend
Longing and sadness
That won't seem to end

I wish and I hope
Let this be the day
My sadness and longing
And hurt go away!

I'm sure it will happen
I will move on
But I'm tired of waiting
It's taking so long!

a fear of my worst nightmare,
possibly coming true.
is just too much for me to bare,
and it would be the same for you.

my heart is damaged beyond repair,
i couldn’t be more blue.
you left me in despair,
when you found someone new.

It will come to everyone, at some stage in their life, an instant stoppage of time, where images blur and fade away only to convescale into tight focus stabbing deep with a sharper pain.

That one thought that paints a thousand pictures of silent screams that no one heard. That instant when you knew all the words you spilled are only piling up as a mound of dirt.

A moment of clarity as clear as the centre of a bubble. That one moment in time when you ask yourself...
am I really that unloveable?

that will be the whisper of a small voice inside an empty space. It's the same question you'll ask of the mirror while looking at the same face.

That one inner warning that hits with piercing clarity. It will come to you, rest assured, when your lost and alone and you don't want charity,
you won't want pity or useless platitudes spilling from dead lips that leak poison from inside. You just want one person, just one, to hear what you say and hold your hand and not try to hide.

That one moment in time should not be a reoccurring event,
but when it is, the shock is less, you become just that little more hardened, and less hell bent,
to share your life and your feelings
and your heart.
It really is a lesson that should be learnt from the start.

Behind brown eyes a shadow walks
Children love
And hearts break
Behind brown eyes blood is spilled
Secrets are kept
And lies are like oxygen
Behind brown eyes are left over feelings when
She kills herself inside
And buries the hatchet
Behind brown eyes lies a secret
Blood that burns
And metal that soothes
Behind brown eyes hunger waits
For an answer
And the answer never comes
Behind brown eyes lies Ana
Ana who is cold
And Ana who lies
Behind brown eyes is a broken soul
Who believes she is unfixable
And believes she is unloveable
Behind brown eyes lies me

Do you even love me? What does it mean for you to love me? I am of your flesh. You created me with half of your dna. That doesn’t mean you have to love me though. I can tell you don’t. I don’t expect you to anyway, it’s ok. I’m a fifteen year old with an attitude, and I am kind of a slob. It makes sense why you would chose that man you’ve known for six months now over me. He likely tells better jokes, and he makes you happy. I remind you of obligation, the mouth you have to feed and the never ending list of responsibilities you have to me. Is that why you chose to put a potential relationship in front of my well -being? Do you know what it is like to walk the halls of a new high school every year of high school? I do. Its lonely. Because you had to see where that relationship would take you. I’m really not that good at any one thing. I talk too much, and my grades are average, if not below average. I could see why you wouldn’t believe me when I told you your fourth husband touched me. He told you he didn’t mean to make me uncomfortable. Can you believe that? Uncomfortable. Now I’m promiscuous and have an eating disorder. Anorexia. I barely graduate high school because I stay out passed curfew. I know I’m a handful. A parental nightmare. I think I can see how you wouldn’t love me.

Striated thoughts broken
by a life in dappled light
Shadows cool the flame
flickering wildly in exhalation
Stars mimic streetlights
in memories long left behind
Each speck a lifetime
and life seems eternal
Traversing shadows reluctantly
cloaking truth in darkness
A trail of flesh glitters
a path dragged on bended knee
marked by pieces of me I
just couldn't hold onto
Light debrides road-rash
unapologetically
Each transferred piece that replaced
a speck of who i was
slowly leaves a void in the shape
of the very damage the shadows blind
Can you see the truth
The light shines on the perfect pieces
for the world to ogle
as shadows mask the tattered flesh
of a life that tastes like
the muddy shoe that bludgeoned
it unrecognizable
Who are we if not who we were
Who can bear the truth
and still pretend to love the unloveable
Who can see what I cannot show
as fear has stunted joy
in the dappled light
that breaks each thought to pieces

Have you ever not wanted to love someone, but not know how to do so.
Not loving someone would **** most, because to love someone and be loved means that you're truly living life.

What if I told you that  not everything can be loved.
I myself cannot be loved, loving me would be destruction to ones self.
I am a ticking time bomb, I am so difficult, driving anyone near me crazy trying to figure me out.

No-one knows what I am capable of. I myself do not know what I am capable of, scaring the anyone who just wants to love me. So Please, if you are to love me just know that though I may not say it with words, or even actions. That i do indeed love you, that somewhere along the line I was hurt. Know I am trying to let you in, that giving up on me   would only prove that I am unloveable.

No one knew what is was like being unloveable.
No one knew what it was like being untouchable.
Not literally untouchable.
Just on the inside so stuck in the past that you can't breath.
Half of my panic attacks excist because of the past.
Past events that are out of my control.
And so worried about the future that I begin to lose hold.
So out of reach an untouchable.
I keep myself away from others so as not to feel the pain I've enflicted upon myself.

Take your concerns, sweet mother
weave them with your hatred,
your bitter contempt of youth
Take your forced confessions
like poison from my Judas tongue
while you sigh in eager disappointment
at the damage done long before.

I was not made in your image
this was not my crime to answer
I was the cuckoo in the nest
a child of a wayward child, 
given in hope of more
in many ways gaining less

Affection in monetary value
a room full of treasures
to hide my empty heart
loveless and longing
for a connection with something other than your stinging palm

My rebellion, taken in personal tones
was against my existence, not yours
Unwanted, unloveable girl
my constant internal monologue
screaming above the screamers
that made my speakers bleed.

my need for you has not diminished
nor will my love for you fade
there is no understanding
for the misunderstood it seems
we remain locked in battle
bathed in tears, questioning love
your scars deep, my gratitude deeper.

I am afraid that the next thing I give
Will be the last thing I had left.
I don’t exactly have an inventory.
I haven’t checked in recently
To see how my stocks are doing.
I put my money on the wind
And the howling wolves
And the impossible way that two people’s bodies
Fit together sometimes.
I am afraid that I do not have enough left
That is just me,
That came from something that I am.
I worry that every time I open my eyes and ears
I breathe in other peoples’ lives
And other peoples’ stories
And now when I let something out
My stories and theirs get jumbled
Like the air in our dead end lungs.
And every kiss I give to you
Is a thousand words
That I can no longer say
And every wink is a painting that I won’t finish.
Every word I let go
Is another that I can’t have for myself.
I don’t want to be selfish
I want to be able to give it away,
But I have seen too many women that I loved
Give themselves to people
Who collected all of their kisses and words in greedy fists
And never gave anything back.

I want to keep the unloveable,
Untamable, inimitable part of me
Close and secret.
So that when you break my heart
I won’t have to limp away
Missing a leg,
Missing an exit strategy,
Trying to fill the hole
I dug.

i try to accept that i’ll walk around with this emptiness in me forever
maybe when you mishandled my soft clay body, you left holes within me that can’t be filled
ive never once grown up, have i?
im scared day in and day out, one wrong move
and my aged and hardened body will shatter

the hands that formed me were loving
soft caresses sculpted me into a beautiful being, the image of the divine
entrusted in the arms of children, my malleable body was abused
and mishandled  
so i hardened into an ugly ugly thing
gentler, i beg, because im not as soft as i used to be
if you toss me around like that ill surely shatter under the weight of ur anger
i am not the image of my Father
but a reflection of the devils He left me in the care of
you are all i’ll ever be, aren’t you? i see you in me, you’re in me, more and more everyday and my insides collapse at the weight of your sins
and your father’s sins
and his father’s sins
weren’t you supposed to protect me? your hatred has warped my soul into an unsalvageable, unloveable thing, i know it too well
i once thought that my Father delighted in molding my soul in His image
that He gave me His hands, and His ability to create beautiful things
now i know these hands will only destroy
like you did to me