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Morgan Mar 2020
I have not written in a long time
Haven't felt the urge

The sun is practically screaming outside my window
Begging for my attention
Glaring through the blinds
Spilling heat all over my bare thighs

The sun is practically crying at the foot of my bed
Demanding to be seen,
Demanding to be felt
But I havent moved in hours
And I might just stay here until it's time to sleep again

My eyes are open, staring at the uneven paint strokes on my bedroom wall,
Wondering why I chose such a striking blue for my safe space
I dont feel safe at all
I pull the covers to my chin,
But I'm not cold

I feel the baby kick in my abdomen
And I wonder if he's hungry
I should probably eat something
But the bread is stale
And the eggs are bad

And I'm tired

I'm just so tired

I rub my stomach

I break the silence

It doesnt shatter,

It just cracks kind of faintly,



I whisper
I'm telling my child it will be alright
But I dont believe me

I feel an other kick,
Not so sharp this time
Kind of lazy
I think we're losing our strength,
We need to move

I rise from the bed and let the covers fall off my shoulders
Like a corpse rising from dirt

I choose a stale pop ****
Baby seems calmer
I did it,
An other day

I stop in front of the window
Over the kitchen sink
And squint out at the back yard
I feel anxiety rising in my chest
And my eyes begin to water

Not again

I sit down on the floor
And I cry
And I cry
As the time passes

So slowly

Soon the sun starts to wither
And so do I

The fear in my heart is raging
It's the only source of energy I know

I am fading
Loosing substance
Becoming distant
Becoming nothing

Piles of dust on a mattress
Morgan Aug 2019
the outcasts came to me
and i sat in the back seats
of all their small cars
chain smoking
and i pretended
to feel at home
but i never feared the world enough
to truly let them in

and the envied came to me
and i sat on their made beds
in their big bedrooms
drinking grey goose
and i pretended
to feel at home
but i never was fearless enough
to truly let them in

and the scattered hearts
of girl and boy
brave and tired
came to me
and i held their hands
in movie theater bathrooms
and hotel swimming pool steps
pretending to feel at home
but i never tricked myself enough
to truly let them in

i always sat in the middle
feeling too complex for the simple
and too simple for the complex
but i never said too much

i'm older now
and my life has lost
all of its mystery
i lie beside the same man
in the same home
after working the same job
each night
and i can't tell anymore
if i'm still pretending to feel at home
or if i finally found it
i never write anymore
Morgan Oct 2018
I used to think everyone around me
Was rising

Over time, it seems more likely that
I'm just falling

It looks the same,
But it isn't.

He keeps following **** stars
On Twitter
And messaging lonely girls
On Facebook
Telling me that I'm stupid
That I'm crazy
That I'm lost

And he's right
But that doesn't change
The agony of sharp words
As I swallow them

His eyes once were a light brown;
Pools of swirled honey in the sunlight

Now there's two black holes
Cut from his skull
That he sees out of

And he doesnt really look at me,
Just toward me,
As if pretending
To notice me

I used to laugh so hard
I'd notice a sharp
Aching in my jaw
When I climbed into bed
At night

Now there is no ache
Just that feeling of falling
Over a ledge,
Grasping at rocks
Trying not to get lost
In the void growing deeper
Every night

I always feel like I'm circling
Around and around
This space where the Earth ends
And drops into nothing

I am so close to slipping
There is a sinking in my gut
As the tips of my toes
Teeter over the edge

But I just keep circling
Around and around

Hoping for a route out
Without plunging blindly
Into the dark
Morgan Aug 2018
3am, and
the phone call
felt like swallowing shards of glass
i was coughing up blood
by the time she said
"try to get some rest"

i couldn't tell her that
i was resting all along,
should've spent more time awake
for you
but i was always pretty selfish
absorbed by "the process"

should've processed your pain,
you bled it out at my feet
and i stepped over it
to keep my shoes clean

i wrapped my arms around your stomach,
twisted your pendant around
between my fingers,
never bothered to ask
what it meant,
where it came from,
or why you never took it off

i liked your red curls,
soft on my shoulder
everytime we hugged

and the way your smile
was a gateway to your agony,
deep like the sea,
i could see the bottom,
but was too scared to go there,
too scared it would feel familiar,
too scared i wouldn't wanna leave,
i'd drown just to taste
something infinite,
real and unwavering,
something bigger than me

i always needed to be
the biggest thing in the room,
drank attention like water,
never cared if it was laced
with poison

you were something challenging,
an honest energy i never knew before,
kindness that radiated from the core,
no hidden motives,
no secret schemes,
you were love,
profound, gaping,
quiet and raging,
and you were reaching your hand out,
everything pointed right for me

but i did what i always do,
i recoiled,
fell back into myself,
spent months alone
smoking cigarettes
out my bedroom window,
writing bad poetry,
and starving just to feel

then there was that february night,
a leap back into the world;
i remember the navy blue darkness,
the sky like a rock,
no movement,
no color,
the crisp cold,
the way it stuck on my bones,
shivering in jordan's basement,
clinging to a bottle of *****
for warmth,
r.j.'s shakey voice
cutting the frozen silence
in a roaring whisper,

"he really cares about you,
he's having a really hard time,
you should reach out,
i know it'd matter"

and i remember the lies,
as clear and harsh and hitting
as they were that day
when i promised i would
but never did

why didn't i?

all it took was one misjudgment,
you clenching a steering wheel,
shattered glass,
full air bags,
drained lungs,
all that you were,
every bit of you,
snapped like a twig,
in the brassy grip of night,

and just as intensely as you came,
you vanished

your voice was light as air,
would've thought it was drippling
out of the sky,
i was barely listening,
hardly heard you say goodbye
i'm so sorry....

rest in peace and love,
my absolutely beautiful friend,
matt davis.

read his poetry at:
Morgan Apr 2018
Infomercials drowned out by sirens serve to remind me of how low my income really is

I'm here to remind you that
Your life's a disaster
I'm here to remind you that
you can scrub and scrub,
but the mess you've made
will always remain
I'm here to remind you how
far back you've truly fallen
But I won't tell you
That you're dragging me back, too

Ash trays overflowing
Anger and sadness
Seeping through rotten teeth
Nonexistent work ethic,
But your eyes are still
So tired
And I can't understand

I hate that I find myself thinking,
"Maybe life just isn't meant for everyone"
But some people are just so bad at living

I want to say
"The system failed you"
But I am the system
And I am here to fail you too

They told me this work is ice cold
And I thought my warmth could melt it
Now my teeth always sting
And my hands are always shaking
From the bitterness

Watching failure build up
And pour out all around me,
Hands too weak to stop it
Morgan Feb 2018
I used to be long, blonde hair
And tan skin
Acrylic nails with a sharp edge
Corona in the sunset
Pretending to laugh
Just to flash my snow white teeth
But nothing was funny
Living in cocoa beach
Only so that I can say
"I live in cocoa beach"
Selfies full of *** appeal
And shorts cut like underwear
But untouchable,

Smeared eyeliner in dark corners
Lights out,
No boy between my sheets
Just me and my misery

You can make faking it a full time job
But you'll never believe your self
That's certain

My roommate and I
We played up chemistry that made
Strangers cry
But we hated each other so much
It left lumps in our throats
All the time

Yoga and Pilates
Kale smoothies and
Swimmers thighs
But I'd rather be sleeping

Screamed at my roommate
Til I coughed up blood
Caught a flight out of Orlando,
4:30 in the morning
Stumbled into Philly,
Back on my *******,
And the air tasted no different

When the act was up
Curtain closed
I washed up in Scranton,
Back where I started,
Full circle,
On the corner of cigarette ash
And Miller lite cans
I gained 20 pounds almost over night
Striped the bleach from my hair
Bit the fake nails off my real ones,
They were thin and cracking
Put on jeans and a t-shirt
Fell asleep on my parents couch
Nothing changed inside of me
From one version to the next
Same depression,
Same medicine

Nothing matters
Nothing at all
Hell follows
No escape
Morgan Feb 2018
Don't try to pull me up
From this hole I've made
If you fall in
There's no escape
And I don't know why
I can't climb
But I sure as hell
Can run in place

All my friends are heaven sent
I've always been so Hell bent

But I don't question how I got here
I'm very familiar with the places
Where I went wrong
Cause I never left

And this life is quick sand
I can't catch my breath
Your voice is steady
I'm shaking to my death

I'm coughing up spiders
From the webs that entangle my brain

Loving you is right
Too bad I'm always wrong
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