Anxiety is like the movie "Honey, I Shrunk The Kids",
except it's the sequel "Honey, We Shrunk Ourselves",
because you have no one else to blame for how big and scary the world seems around you.
To anyone else, a stair is just a stair,
but this stair in life is towering over me and I have no clue how to overcome.
This stair might be getting out of bed,
being around other people,
or shopping at a store alone.
Fairly easy tasks,
but I feel I have to ******* my oxygen tank and climb Mt. Everest.
Anxiety is like when you are sick,
and the bathroom is a mere 10 steps away,
but like in the cartoons,
the bathroom stretches to miles away before my eyes.
10 steps is now 10,000,
in those 10,000 steps to school, or work, so many things could go wrong.
Anxiety is knowing you're thinking irrationally.
Thinking against yourself in your head,
wanting to strangle whatever force is driving you mad.
Like finding an on-off switch,
but no matter how many times you flip it, nothing happens.
Anxiety is laying in bed,
plauged with possibilities of problems,
not moving a muscle,
paralyzed by the endless possible outcomes of failure.
I feel as if I'm in a big gray cloud.
I can see through it, but yet it is so dense I am captive by my own paranoia.
Anxiety is being a walking imperfection.
Where one zit on your forehead acts as a big red, flashing, arrow floating above your head saying IMPERFECT
Anxiety is wanting to love yourself
so so very bad
and fighting every day against a bug infesting your beautiful brain
with negative self talk.
Anxiety is trying to fall asleep at night,
and with every breath,
my body gets smaller and smaller,
my thoughts have weight like a lead balloon,
filling with every breath,
my head is heavy and I feel my chest caving in.
Anxiety is the anti-Cupid who stabs an arrow between anyone I've ever loved.
She is the imaginary mistress I can't help but suspect,
no matter how many times he says he loves me.
What if one day he doesn't?
What if one day everything I hate about myself he hates too?
Anxiety is the mistress he never knows is there,
and yet I push her towards him.
With Anxiety there are options.
There is one switch that does work.
It is a big red button labeled MEDICATION
this button will destroy every anxious though I may have
but often in wars the innocent suffer.
If this button is pressed, I lose everything.
Anger, sadness, paranoia,
I lose happiness.
I lose the feeling of love,
My heart and brain become an empty forgotten shoe box that I don't need anymore.
My body smiles when my brain believes it should,
and fills the air with laughter that isn't mine.
Someone tells a joke and my stomach never hurts from laughing.
I don't have crushes on cute boys.
My deep brown eyes look as if they are made of glass... Emotionless.
Kisses feel like flicks.
Hugs feel like uncomfortable, uncessary squeezes.
I find myself going through the motions, like an extra on a TV set.
Saying words that have no meaning.
Moving my mouth but nothing is truly coming out.
I stop petting my cat.
It is inconvenient when my dog greets me at the door and licks me.
My mother tells me she loves me and I despise it.. I don't know why.
I forget what it is like to feel.
I am a robot in a human's body.
If you tell me to take medication,
I am letting my illness win,
with a white flag in hand.
I refuse to throw away every piece of me for "peace."
for those suffering
don't press the big red button... ever