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  Sep 2016 Syddy Raye
Sarah Spang
The story's written all the same
As many before with varied names:
They met, they loved, they grew apart
While one remembered, one forgot.
Syddy Raye Sep 2016
Its been while since I've thought of you
Since I've wondered how you've been
Since I've seen your face

Its been a while since you've talked to me
Since I've blocked out your ignorant ranting
Since I've had to tell someone to stop talking

Its been a while since I've observed your mental health
Since you've bashed on me for having an eating disorder
Since I knew you had one too

Its been a while since you've checked on me to see if I'm still alive
Since I've checked on you
Since you would even care if I did

Its been a while since I've cared to wonder about you
Since you've called me names
Since you've spread lies about me

Its been a while since I've heard your name
Since anyone has brought you up
Since I've seen you

Its been a while since I've felt happy
Since I've felt safe
Since I have worried about my appearance

Its been a while since I've had to auto-correct my sentences
Since you don't yell at me anymore
Since your sensitive *** isn't around anymore

Its been a while since I've been glad someone has left my life
Since I've felt free
Since I've been me
Syddy Raye May 2016
There are just something's that don't change.
Like memories.
Like people.
Like thoughts.

I've grown tired of seeing his face in my nightmares, waking colder than winter, with fear worse than the thought of death.
I don't remember what it feels like to sleep soundly.
I've tried to tell myself that one day he will fade from my mind, but in truth, I doubt that's true.
For the things that he imbedded in my brain, like deep marks on cows for branding, can never be erased.

I've grown tired of watching them destroy their lives and the lives of the people whom they claim to love. I say claim with direct intent to harm ones heart, for you do not hurt the ones you love.
There are things you do and say, things you hope make an impact, make some sort of change, but let's face it.. When those things fall on deaf ears you lose hope.
You stop caring if they try to fix what they have detremented, because at this moment when you can no longer feel the nerve endings meant to cause emotion, you stop believing it even matters.

I've grown tired of listening to the inevitable words caught on replay from my minds own habits.
You want so desperately to work your brain away from the mental disorders many therapists have told you will never escape you, but as much as you want it, it's not granted.
Thoughts that plague you beyond the measures of comprehension, with things that never make sense.
You're always confused, even when you're angry, or depressed.
You're confused.
Not by how you become to feel this way, not by what caused you to have your latest break down, but why in the first place you have to feel this way.
Why everyone tells you that it's so simple to stop, when clearly, if it were that easy you wouldn't feel this way.
But as you dwell in a constant state of confusion, while contemplating your existence, you still whisper to yourself, it's going to be okay.
And it is.
For that moment.
care enough
about questions
to answer

and enough
about answers
to question
Syddy Raye May 2016
Have you lost your mind?
You're whispering her name and your memories of her in my ear,
You don't see my tears
Have you gone blind to my emotions?
I love you
But your thoughts of her are my biggest fears.
Don't you care?
You're telling me how much it hurts YOU.
Am I really here?
Am I really hearing this right now?
Is this really happening?
I don't know.
I don't know who you are.
This pain I'm feeling, doesn't make sense.
I don't want to think about it.
It makes me sick.
My heart is jealous beyond belief.
But it shouldn't be.
You're mine.
Aren't you?
So, why, in the hell are you telling me about her?
Do you still want me?
I've debated for so long I've forgotten when I started.
I shouldn't feel this way.
If you really want me, I shouldn't feel this way.
I should know that you want me.
I shouldn't have to fight for my place in your mind when you've already supposed to have given it to me.
This hurts.
Don't you see?
I'm scared.
I'm scared that no matter what I do,
It's never going to be good enough for you.
Don't you love me?
Show me.
You tell me not to say such things like that.
"No, you don't love me."
"You're not sorry."
What do you want me to do?
Do you want me to lie?
Because those things are how I feel.
I often state my mind and pass it off as a joke because I feel bad that I've hurt you.
But I just as often get upset because I feel you don't feel bad for hurting me.
And that hurts too.
Don't I mean something to you?
Then why don't you at least try to avoid hurting me?
I love you,
But I'm scared to know if it's the right choice...
You're talking to me, completely disregarding what you just said,
And I cant find my voice,
To tell you just how much I'm past the point of no return.
Yet, somehow I find room to be pushed a little bit more.
What's wrong with me?
What's wrong with you?
What's wrong with us?
I don't know anymore.
Syddy Raye Dec 2015
Don't fix **** that ain't broken
Listen to these words being spoken
You think I'm jokin'
But let that **** sink in
This ain't even the worst part
But where should I start?
How bout' back to 2010?
Everything's coming back again
Things weren't pretty,
In fact, they were down right ******
Parents forgetting me and my siblings
They had better things to do
We didn't like to think so
but we knew it was true
We'd scream and yell, we'd had enough
But they weren't chicken to call our bluff
With their issues and misuse
And guys to mistrust
And girls that make fuss
Its no wonder I am where I am
Full of wonder and distrust
Life's just a ******* scam
This world's got me full of disgust
Flash forward to today
I'll hope and I'll pray
The good Lord will save my brother
From all the **** that started with my father and mother
My little sister
I see her everyday but I miss her
She's not the same
Timid and shy, back in the day
Now she'll ******* up if you get in her way
Ain't nothing changed in that house from yesterday
Except the absence of me
I couldn't take them away from all the dismay
No unfortunately, they had to stay
My siblings and me
They were all I had in that hell hole we called home
Then I left them there
Off to roam
My first real friends
And I left them in a place where happiness ends
But I hope they know
I want to watch them prosper and grow
They may be low, but they can rise above
So here's to my siblings, Kenneth and Carly
I hope you feel my kindness and love
For my siblings
Syddy Raye Dec 2015
There's no time to be chasing waterfalls
With all the noise behind these walls
No reason to wonder
When my head is full of thunder
It's so loud inside my head
Wanting to be dead
Thoughts surrounding me
Screaming, "So what'll it be?"
I don't think it could be worse
But that sentence is my curse
So **** this ****
**** that ***** that says shes trying
**** that guy whose always lying
And **** this world
That said I could be cured
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