"relapses" poems
Smack
After every slap
And stroke.
the whip,
cracks across your back.
Flush with arousal,
Immense pleasure,
your body reacts.
your lesson reaching you
teaching you how to relax
As your legs spread,
your mind relapses.
Dec 4, 2014
Dec 4, 2014 at 1:08 PM UTC
By now,the seed varieties of the world,
may have been attacked beyond recovery
by wars of pretense and relapses.
We are still learning
how to handle it properly.
We tend to say.
Some will talk and plan over dinner parties,
over TV or Radio. Most will leave
it behind like another corpse
of lessons thrown to the gutter,
like a dead *** on another Sunset Boulevard.
Iraq's seed banks
we blew up in the 2000s.
In various places in Asia
and the Middle East, places of life and cultured
varieties gone in an instant.
Echoing our imprisoned
ignorance and drives for more instant goods and services.
Indian farmers have committed mass suicides after
their god Hanuman was used by a chemical giant
to sell poison seeds and renewed
bondages of indebtedness.
One question a stranger asked a group of writers on tour
was not what their poetry or books were about,
nor why they wrote it, but how writing may and
may not be helping as we make decisions and solve problems now?
Once agricultural lands turn into new promises
of commercial buildings. Cities of inaccessible towers and
abandoned malls in America, Spain, China, and Russia
feeds us back our own echo.
Like converted uses of lands, our humanity
is converted into inanimate collections and status
symbols of some players or parties. As we face
our continuing struggle between
our oppressor-selves and our genuine roots.
Despite the perversions,
inside vicious habits of waste
where we glorify promises of war and efficiencies,
we continue to be entrusted with the ongoing lessons:
Rarely do surviving generations through famine, war and diseases,
throw away means to live, or destroy any kind of seed.
Every day we wake to the ruins and remains of
Our living poetry, word spaces, hours, exchanges,
gains and losses, stopping and going. This time,
not just for fires of anguish or unnecessary losses,
but for each other's midnight lamps.#
Sep 3, 2018
Sep 3, 2018 at 12:42 AM UTC
Behind that fake smile
Behind those lies
Lie the distant echoes of my cries
Behind those frequent relapses
Lie my urge to recover
now give me some poison.
I am predictable in my unpredictability
I am trying to fight my melancholy
Behind that funny girl
Lies someone who wants to watch themselves burn
Sep 29, 2014
Sep 29, 2014 at 10:25 AM UTC
last year
i promised myself that i would never be sad anymore.
but boy did i break that promise
i sunk back into anorexia
i relapsed to selfharm
i became suicidal
but once again i promised myself to be happy.
but everytime relapses came faster
and they were a lot stronger
last week i made the same promise.
and here i am in my bed
writing the same suicide notes over and over again
happiness just isn't for me
Apr 14, 2015
Apr 14, 2015 at 12:10 PM UTC
Cigarettes and friends have so much in common
Friends are cigarettes to skin
The longer you hold them temptation grows within
To smoke or watch others choke
Cancer sticks, worse when ignited
So many people smoke and are delighted
To inhale the words of warning
Strangers are sticks and stones their words never hurt
With friends, this expression disappears
As if the pain doesn't accumulate every fiscal year
Running deep into your lungs, skin, and even the heart
Friends can do as much as a cigarette
We smoke our friends as if nothing is wrong and forget
Until our lungs and heart collapse and fill up with regret
Quit cold turkey, suffer relapses try again later
Anything to soak up this toxic flavor
Friends or cigarettes?
Your choice of flavor to savor
Apr 17, 2015
Apr 17, 2015 at 12:29 PM UTC
Don't forgive me because I cried
Don't forgive me "even though" I lied
Don't forgive me because I'm a kid
Don't forgive because you could've done what I did
Allow me to face my consequences
Let me adapt to my circumstances
Don't allow me my relapses
Let me feel guilt in my synapses
Please don't forgive me because I apologized
Please don't forgive unless I realized
The wrongs I did
And the wrongs I said
The crimes I hid
And the crimes I fed
Please don't forgive me
Because I seem to feel guilty
Please don't forgive me
Because my eyes went all "melty"
Please don't forgive me
Jan 18, 2017
Jan 18, 2017 at 10:28 AM UTC
I got pills I got to take,
so I'm going to take, take, take them everyday.
I have ailments that I have to feed,
so I'm going take which everyone needs
I got pills.
All these pills piling up on my desk,
stacked like the pyramids higher than my chest.
all these kids running around,
I hear them Grrrr.. so I lock my pills up sound.
The pharmacy is open to my needs,
she just rolls her eyes to my relapses.
Says she's going to leave me,
if I don't bring the cost down below twenty G's.
oh my, oh my, oh my, oh my
**Gosh **** gosh **** gosh, gosh ****
Oh my, oh my, oh my, oh my
I got pills I got to take,
so I'm going to take, take, take them everyday.
I have ailments that I have to feed,
so I'm going take which everyone needs
I got pills.
Woke up this morning aches in my neck,
gout in my foot, what the heck.
opened the cabinet, pills all gone,
crack addict snuck in, took the lot.
Jumped on my bike, tire's flat not a good start.
no license for a car, ailments mean ill have to walk.
standing behind some old dude chugs out a ****
pills got laxative effect, I think I better not laugh.
Oh my, oh my, oh my, oh my
**Gosh **** gosh **** gosh, gosh ****
Oh my, oh my, oh my, oh my.
I got pills I got to take,
so I'm going to take, take, take them everyday.
I have ailments that I have to feed,
so I'm going take which everyone needs
I got!
"groans in loud noises, Aaaaaaaaaa"
And my stomach, my stomach
I said my stomach!
Pills make me want to eat food.
I got pills I got to take,
so I'm going to take, take, take them everyday.
I have ailments that I have to feed,
so I'm going take which everyone needs.
I got pills I got to take,
so I'm going to take, take, take them everyday.
I have ailments that I have to feed,
so I'm going take which everyone needs
I got pills.
*Mama got pills, daddy got pills,
yo sister got pills,
yo auntie got pills.*
I got pills.
Yo uncle got pills, Everybody got pills, everybody got pills.
Apr 1, 2018
Apr 1, 2018 at 12:34 PM UTC
A painted image
False happiness as people tell me I'm amazing
And a pre-written set of lines to keep me going
I wish I had their humility
That I didn't rethink myself daily
That my mind didn't relapse into hate
I don't look in the mirror because I'm afraid of what I'll see
I don't stare closely at my body or I'll point out my flaws
And I force my mind to call me beautiful until I believe it again
"I wish I had your confidence"
Do you wish you had such hard relapses of hate
And to doubt your own thoughts until you wish you were so much different
Feb 23, 2016
Feb 23, 2016 at 11:30 PM UTC
i'm tired
i'm so ******* tired.
i didn't ask for any of it-
not the scars, not the pills,
not the anxiety
or obsession
or disordered thoughts
i never wanted this.
because when you're thirteen
you don't think that within the next three years
you'll have four mental illnesses.
nobody ever predicts that they'll have a collection of cuts,
of failed recoveries
and subsequent relapses.
nobody wants to be a burden.
nobody wants to be trapped in their own mind
and i can't tell if it's depression,
or the eating disorder
but God, i'm exhausted.
i don't want to carry this anymore.
(i never did.)
Oct 6, 2020
Oct 6, 2020 at 1:46 AM UTC
10 sacrificial exhales
9 regret scented fingertips
8 matriarchal castigations
7 breathes corrupted
6 bummed ember tips
5 second hand coughs
4 derisive stares
3 relapses
2 lungs
1 heart
Parasitic paradise with death in hand
A gift to me,
self receiving
Toxicity imbalanced
This is worse than bleeding
Dec 28, 2012
Dec 28, 2012 at 8:49 AM UTC
Squishy fated
Topography
Meant to puzzle
Together,
the nexus of
Interlocking
limbs--
pulsing and
pumping.
The conductive
catalyst
the dazed hazy
Swooning--
I bite my lip
and you start to
give in,
I won't tell you no--
take a hit
to the bed
grabbing sheets
*******
air past teeth
no thoughts
just breathe...
or don't.
Choke
on the nexus
of firing synapses
the electric relapses
into shivers and moans--
****
I need
to
feel you.
Your skin
lingers in
the shivers--
in the wake
of the day
my body
Remembering
that you
aren't there
and it aches.
Please--
Lead me there,
Take
Me
Please,
Let me
bathe in
your twilight.
Feb 6, 2025
Feb 6, 2025 at 9:20 AM UTC
It'll be two years soon.
Two years,
Five psychiatric medications,
Six relapses,
20 pounds lost and gained,
And lost again,
And one suicide attempt.
And now I'm here,
Still trying to wash your fingerprints
Off of my bruised skin.
Trying to forget your voice
And the feeling of your grip
On my wrists and throat.
Two years later
And I still can't bring myself
To say the word out loud.
The R word.
Two years later and I still
Tell myself
"You idiot, you should have known."
Two years later
And every time I pass your house
On the way to see my psychiatrist
I have half a mind
To burn it to the ground.
To throw rocks in your windows.
To slash the tires
On your red jeep.
Maybe by next year
I'll stop seeing you in my dreams.
I'll stop feeling your hands
All over me.
I'll stop hearing
Your voice breaking through tears
Telling me you love me.
Maybe by next year
The scars from when
I locked myself in your bathroom
And tore myself apart
Will fade completely.
Maybe by next year
I'll actually be able
To say the word ****
Dec 26, 2016
Dec 26, 2016 at 2:42 AM UTC
*its easier
to fall back into
old habits
than to fall out off them
because who falls
out of a hole -
especially
when you arent even sure
where it begins
and where it ends?*
Sep 30, 2015
Sep 30, 2015 at 8:45 AM UTC
We live our lives
In past review,
Sometimes we get
A snap preview;
It's what we call
Deja Vu.
Our synoptic
Brain ignites,
Fuel injected,
Bathing grey matter;
Hurling perception
Through time;
Faster than a blink of light,
No more than a nano,
To immediate present.
Then brain relapses,
Returns to stasis,
We're in the past again.
Same peoples,
Same places,
But I was here,
Before.
Never left, now
Back once more.
Dec 2, 2014
Dec 2, 2014 at 8:58 AM UTC
All the time we spend with ourselves
yet we never stop to spend any time
to wind
down
never get to know ourselves
expecting someone will come along
to do that for us
using other people
to learn who we are
leavings scars
where we should glow.
I should know
yet here I go
finding the next excuse
the next vice
the next moment
for validation
exaltation
when all we ever completely
have
is ourselves.
It's always about the crash
and the burn
we yearn for the pain
stand nothing to gain
but we learn to count down
until the next broken crumble
silently stumbling
leaving me guessing
about all the things I'm repressing
just trying to make it
second by second
watering down the mornings with my tears
and you wonder why I sleep during the day.
I have no place in my existence
for guilt over not doing
the same **** thing everyone else does
I am odd and I am proud
I have walked a long path
been through ****
but came out past it
that is all life is
moment to moment
but I give myself allowance
for **** ups
mistakes
relapses
it's bound to happen
but staying true
is all I can do
everything else will come to me in time.
Oct 15, 2013
Oct 15, 2013 at 6:07 AM UTC
Trapped in this story.
Repeated history,
that's more misery than mystery.
Perhaps I'll leave this crap one day
Refuse to stay and go away,
but it wouldn't be long
before I'd collapse and relapses back into it all.
Enthralled in the fresh mesh,
across my rotten flesh.
Unable to even crawl,
as it sprawls around me
and develops me into something grotesque.
Against my best protest,
ignoring my distress,
until I become something I detest.
And all though this picturesque depiction of my depression
may seem extreme, like a bad dream
In reality it stems from a belief
that nothing ever gleams in darkness.
Regardless of what they say, darkness is artless.
Nothing more than a rotting carcass.
Harmless and heartless but not homeless,
because it's the same carcass in every God **** story in this never ending circle.
The only real consistency in the ever changing story.
Me,
internally rotting away for an eternity.
Trapped in this story.
Jul 2, 2014
Jul 2, 2014 at 10:21 PM UTC
Beauty's rose wilts
and petal by petal,
shard by shard;
Faster than fantasy-
time relapses
~
Beauty's rose wilts-
it's soils all settle
Erosion by erosion,
slower than springtime;
the future arrives.
Beauty's rose,
But a wilt!
without trophy or medal,
condolences, by condolences,
at our own paces-
the past persists.
Black flowers, wilted with time,
without beginning, nor end-
are seen;
& through the stained glass gaze of love,
are shimmering.
Nov 26, 2022
Nov 26, 2022 at 6:53 PM UTC
Last night I was on the fence
feeling out my own relative survival
caught somewhere between
rock bottom and a dark place
At the end of my own wits
I thought I could paint my presence
With a flick of the wrist
Opened up to reveal the divine DNA
pouring itself out into a bath tub
that gave it away
Caught red-handed in a pool of blood
Drowning evidence
Slipping down the drains
back into the ocean of the time I killed
Doctor, Doctor
turn me into a machine
I want to feel intentionless
So the madness manifests
into some ironic twist
of self-directed fate
With a flick of the wrist
Writhing this steering mechanism
into dissonance
With my Dark Passenger
Check the rearview
The past relapses
Mar 18, 2013
Mar 18, 2013 at 11:34 PM UTC
Shakespeare made a pair
Of two fine young ladies
They were dressed in white
Lily
Dresses
Both avoiding to call their
Mother Mrs.
Twas a funny kid that shakespeare
He moved in a mute way
Never daring to speak
Never saying
But these two ladies remembered that man
With the long fingernails
And the blurry bleak stringy hair
He spoke to them about Jesibels
And spaces mixed with "my"
Ministries with Queen series
Marooned men with their dogs
They sat and listened and were wishin'
That He'd just take them to bed
But all the while Shakespeare was talking
He was also listening
A brain like that just doesn't know what to do
How to act
Where to break the rules and take a quick smack
But these fine ladies, these fine women that should've been
Movin'
Just kept sippin' on their red Pinot Keruoac's
And memory relapses
******* on the tuna marmalade madness in front of'em
That left them both with a deep kinda' sadness sayin "umm"
They finished their meal, those quick two twins
Went to the girly room to wash up, take a face bath
When they came back to the table everything was in disarray
Shakespeare had left with everything
But being a gentlemen
He left on the table
The dinners' pay
May 6, 2011
May 6, 2011 at 10:31 PM UTC
Relapses are ****
but the pain
brings relief
I'm a true
*********
I'm not saying
that relapses are good
I'm just saying
the pain drowns
all the bad
I lose myself
in order to feel
I'm not fully aware or conscious
but the pain makes me feel whole
Happiness always leaves
but the pain remains
and it makes me feel
so much more less alone
Sadness is not a choice
although sometimes
it's all we possess
when life gets rough
Misery is not beautiful
or in any way nice
but I am so used to it
it's become a part of my daily life
I have tried to separate myself
from this terrible state of mind
but it's too late for me to fix this
the old me has been left behind
Oct 28, 2013
Oct 28, 2013 at 9:18 AM UTC
I am quite disappointed in myself
For the things I've done,
The relapses I've enacted,
In the past few weeks.
While the blade brings blood
She brings heart,
One bears visible scars
The latter hides them in shame,
While my scars will heal in time
The memories barely fade.
Just when things were getting better
One night ruined it all;
I couldn't control my desire,
My crave,
For the one who seems to never leave.
So with one conversation,
A few twists of words,
I unleashed a million demons.
Now I don't know whether to regret
Or to celebrate;
Can't tell if she spoke only in the moment
Or in truth from her heart.
So I guess I'll find out in the end
If all drugs lead to death.
Jun 25, 2013
Jun 25, 2013 at 3:29 AM UTC
i knew this girl
everyone was happy when she was born.
she had the most beautiful face
i knew this girl
she was three years old no care in the world
scarlet lips, and deep brown eyes
she had just gotten her glasses she was so proud
i knew this girl
she was six years old excited to grow up
pigtails, smarter than the other kids
i knew this girl
9 years old oldest in her grade
she already has acne the other kids pick on her but she could stand it
i knew this girl
12 years old she thought she was fat
her acne was worse, she was coovered in blemishes.
she didn't want her glasses anymore.
she was an outcast, all the other kids just ignored her
i knew this girl
13 years old wounds all up her arms and legs
she has stopped eating her weight dropping to 100lbs
i knew this girl
14 years old she took off her glasses and put on darker clothes
she blends into the crowd
her arms and legs are covered with scars.
her weight is down to 75 lbs
i know this girl
15 years old.
fighting to recover, having relapses all the time
drinking, ******* around, fasting, then overeating.
her weight is back up to 94 but why should she keep it there?
i might get to know this girl
20 years old living a happy life
scars on her arms, but they're all faded by now.
her hands shake when she eats.
But this is only if she fights to get better.
if not she will never live to see this age.
Apr 14, 2015
Apr 14, 2015 at 1:56 PM UTC
Unsatisfied
And subject to relapses
Of pride.
C.e.M.
Dec 21, 2014
Dec 21, 2014 at 10:22 AM UTC
Tempting desires,
Potential relapses,
Have this amazing ring;
They sound so good.
The pain is so enticing,
It keeps pulling me in closer,
To feeling alive;
I'm finally sure I am.
By a cut through the haze of daily life
And through a part of thin skin
Yeah I'm masochistic;
More like addicted to pain.
One way or another
Inflicted by you
Or by my own hands.
It's been so long
And healed scars don't show anymore.
The stories they hold now buried into nothing.
My stories
My life
Faded and I can no longer remember
The road I took to get here.
Mar 27, 2013
Mar 27, 2013 at 11:03 PM UTC
Girl,you're pretty
Now stop starving
just to be skinny
Girl, you're beautiful
Nothing can get down
Now eat that meal till your tummy's full
Girl, your life is precious
Don't risk it like this.
Walk with your head held high
And look at the positive things
Girl, I know it's hard
Near relapses, family
and your inner war
Learn to stay strong
Ignore their taunts.
Girl, remember you're beautiful
Someday someone's going to love you
and fade all of your blues.
Girl, you're you
With your talents
and dimensions
Those models on cover pages will never be you
Sep 27, 2014
Sep 27, 2014 at 12:28 PM UTC