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always anxious Mar 2019
Bony parts bruise faster.
I think to myself.
I look down at my arms. They are tinted yellow from the fading bruises.

Fatty parts bruise harder.
I think to myself.
I look down at my thighs, they have black spots scattered over them.

I sigh and touch my collarbones protruding from my body.
I stack the coins. I can fit 17 on each collarbone.

I look in the mirror and I know I am looking at a hollowed out skeleton, but all I see is me .. just as I've always looked, grey, boring, ordinary...
always anxious Dec 2018
I breathe in until I feel like my lungs might explode. I tighten my neck muscels and before I can think - My entire body is tense.

I'm trying to supress it. It has ruined so much but I will not let it ruin another moment...
I grind my teeth trying to supress it further, not realizing that grinding my teeth ... was a tic too.

Letting my mind slip for a second; I come to find that I have failed - once again
I flick my head, blink my eyes violently - turning the day into a stop motion movie - Once again I already know the plot.

Everything is moving in slowmotion around me - my body moving too fast to hold it in I fail - once again my body is dancing to a beat that is not mine.

I feel the pain in my neck. It is sore from giving into the neverending urge - once again it is strained from constant twitching and has been for god knows how long.

I try to ignore the pain and focus on supressing what's coming next, but being distracted by the pain I fail - once again I flick my head and exhale as fast as humanly possible. The exhale doesn't come alone - it never does. A pallette of sounds escape my mouth.

It was not me making those sounds, but the lungs affected by the pain are mine.
I feel the cycle starting over - once again.

It goes through me like a wave of energy.
I have been robbed of the control over my own body - once again.
The power to fight back has ... vanished.

I go to bed early but sleep late; battling this force with every shard of energy I could possibly have left - Once again leaving me exhausted enough to finally sleep, despite the constant twitching.

They say it's a chemical imbalance in my brain.
Too much dopamine is released.
As far as I'm concerned dopamine is a "Feel good hormone", so why does it make me so miserable?

I lay here thinking about when this cycle will end?
And when it finally does end, when will it restart? - Once again...
I suffer from tourettes syndrome. This poem is written about how it feels to have a tic attack
- an unknown length of time filled with constant tics. It can last anywhere from 2 minutes to 24 hours.
always anxious Jul 2018
I suffer from generalized anxiety
and I just want people to understand it
but mental illnes is frowned upon by society
Some days I'm fine but I must admit
I'm always just teetering at the edge of sobrietry

I know it's never going to go away
But I can try my best to forget the pain
Always trying to keep it at bay
But always in vain

walking around in a circle
trying to learn from my mistakes
at the pace of a turtle
at night my thougts still keep me awake

I'm really not depressed
but I'm not happy either
I have this anxiety pressing at my chest
And sometimes i just need a breather

I'm constantly told to get it together
to pick up some courage and do things
But that's like telling someone not to be cold in freezing weather
And more anxiety is all that it brings
always anxious Jan 2018
I'm so stressed out.
It feels like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders
It makes me want to shout
When life throws nothing in my direction but boulders.

Time is passing too fast
I feel like i barely have enough time to breathe
I wanna make every precious moment last
but everything that happens makes my insides seethe
always anxious Mar 2017
Have you ever met the right person at the wrong time?
Me too...
He was the best thing that has ever happened to me..
We were perfect for each other but i wasn't ready.

I was 16, he was 18 we had known eachother for a couple of years, he was tall and he smelled nice.
He had blue eyes and dark brown hair.

He was a ****** up kid.
He had just gotten his drivers license, so he raced.
He got drunk om school nights.
He smoked one pack a day.

But when i was in his car he drove below the speed limit, because he knew i had anxiety.
He stopped the drinking cause he knew i didn't like it and he stopped smoking cause he didn't wanna make my asthma worse.

He became a nice guy, doing everything he could to make me feel like a princess...
When we had been together for 5 months he dropped out of school..
I got dissappointed and he promised he would get a job and get his **** together, but he was busy caring for me.

He wanted to get married.
He was about to turn 19 and his friends started to get married and have kids.. and he wanted that too...
But i wasn't ready...
I was 16 and just started high school...  i wasn't ready to even imagine myself starting a family yet..

So after 9 months i ended it.. with a text... i had to breathe... i needed space..
But i know that if i had met him 5 years later i would have spent the rest of my life with him..
We had the same values, we agreed on everything, rarely faught, had the same view on kids..
But i wasn't ready...
So i ended it with a text...
always anxious Feb 2017
I just broke up with my boyfriend cause i needed my own space to grow and find out who I am..
It's the hardest decission in my life and it's tearing me apart..

I lost another bit of what i call my family.. gona... torn apart.. guess drugs were more important...
Makes me feel worthless

I get 20% C's 70% B's and 10% A's those marks are lower than any i've ever gotten
Makes me feel stupid

I never go to parties cause I always have to go to work
Makes me feel lonely

But as Albus Dumbledore said it so well;
happiness can be found in the darkest of times if one just remembers to turn on the light

I believe that everything will be aright.. if i just stay positive and keep my head on high...

For those who don't know "lumos" is the spell used in Harry Potter  to turn on a light at the end of your wand
always anxious Nov 2016
Stop saying my body is "goals"
stop saying i have mesmerising eyes
stop saying my smile is charming
Or that i'm a sweetheart
Stop calling me beautiful

Beautiful girls don't sit at home alone on saturday nights
Beautiful girls don't cry themselves to sleep
And they don't hate what they see in the mirror

beautiful girls get good grades
beautiful girls get a lot of attention from guys
Beautiful girls are friends with everyone
they're not shy
they don't get anxiety attacks over having to make a phone call

Beautiful girls don't obsess over not having washed their hands for an hour
And they don't count calories
beautiful girls don't smile at the ground when they get a compliment
They face the person who complimented them and compliments them back...

Beautiful girls know how to write a proper poem.
a beautiful girl is that girl in the front of the class, who gets straight A's  and doesn't even have to try
She has long blonde hair and blue eyes.
she has straight teeth and a killer smile and all the guys are always around her.
*and She's never alone on saturday nights
Sooooo... yea
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