She said to me, “I feel like I’ve lost you.” because lately, I haven’t been there, I’m just fading away.
It’s like I went off the road that leads to nowhere, but I’m being fooled, thinking that one day I can reach ‘nowhere’ even though I’m already here.
You’ve lost me in the Jungle of Fear… Fear that I won’t get out of the Jungle so I hide away in a tree, never having the courage to leave.
Because I don’t want to be a memory that you think about in vain
I don’t want to fall into the box of your old heartbreaks and hurt
I don’t want you to fear trust in me, I don't want to cause you pain, I don’t want to be to blame when things are never the same.
You’ve changed. I’ve changed, but I am still stuck in this tree.
Waiting for you to set me free, but we are green people, we can’t just cut the tree down.
There was never a way down, but there was a way up.
You seem to fear the tree because there is not a safe way down and you climbed the tree before and was disappointed.
Will you be disappointed again or will we make it to the end?
Would it be better if I get out of the tree? Then can we be free?
Will you help me down to the ground?
Or let me fall?

But I am clueless… because you have given me no clue on what to do and I feel worthless
But quotes and books tell me to be hopeful, but you aren’t here so hope is gone so how do I cope?
Because when you are gone, it feels so wrong, and I just don’t want to go on
And the pain goes on and on and on and on until I struggle to breathe and I choke
I choke on all this pain I’m been given because to them it’s just a joke
Because my mom is alive, my dad is alive, my sisters, my cousins, my family, they’re all alive
You see, to you, I haven't’ seen struggle, not like the others, my dad left me as a kid, but I still have my mother
My mom doesn’t know about the pain, none of my family knows about me being in this game of life, but not knowing how to play
But people have different sizes, types, and kinds of struggle because of our different perspective because I see a 3 and you see an E
I can see a stick in the grown and you can see a tree, I can see an S and you can see a snake, but that doesn’t mean my answers are fake
There are so many ways to interpret words, sayings, things, beings, the world,
Impossible says I’m possible, can’t, take away the “t” and says can
You see I go on and on about my pain and how I am one and alone and others don’t believe me
That doesn’t mean when I talk about this pain I have, it’s not true, but it is okay because you don’t want to deceive me
I will never give up because that one person I want to believe me, is you
I will forever try to find a word for us... two.

But I’m running, I’m running, I’m running down this lonely road… full of sorrow
I’m sprinting, I’m sprinting, I’m sprinting, trying to make it to tomorrow
But it feels like I may never make it to the end. Why do I feel so small, Small like an ant,
But I want to feel tall, strong, confident, hopeful, satisfied, alive
Words I don’t ever understand or feel because alive says live and I’m not living, yet I haven’t died, I have only survived, but I promise you I’ve really tried. But I’m so fried. I’m too tired… I’m just not wired… right. But I still right. That’s why I’m here tonight
Do I really need you to help me, like a friend or do I need more? Is that how I can face my fears and be strong for…  once in my life?
The feelings. The feelings I have inside, I just bottle -  up and really try to hide
This pain that’s running through my veins, it’s driving me insane
So tired of this game, But who is there to blame, because it’s not me!
No, I finally see it’s not me. Just wait and see. You’ll see. The true person I’m meant to be
That true person is who I am when I am with you, the comfort and love I get,
Before you came into my life I just wanted to quit, but I don’t know what love really is, but you say you love me, seems pretty legit.
Something I don’t get from my family tree, because with them I can’t branch out and be free
But how do I tell you this all without scaring you away, you say you will stay forever, but tomorrow is always a new day
What will stop me from telling you the wrong thing, or telling you too much to make you break, is it a mistake to give you all of me
You say we are one, but we are two, but then you go away, and what can I do, are we friends, best friends, lovers?
I don’t know, but when I am with you, it is like no other, but why do you go? Why do you tell me to stop talking about so much pain?
Why do you not know you are the reason for cleansing this pain through my cold blue veins?
You left. You stop talking to me. Not only did the floodgates open for the tears to keep flowing, but the pain came crashing too
How do you I truly make us two, why isn’t there a word for two?

Lust.
It means to have a strong desire and attachment to something, someplace, or someone
Well, that is how I feel with you, so what does it mean?
When I am with you, the cliches just come flowing in
Because your eyes glitter like the stars we watch at night in silence.
Your smile glows like the sunrise, I want to watch as we grow old.
Your body runs smoothly like a slow song, OUR slow song.
It is as if the world told me that your beauty was too much for everyone else so you chose me.
I think I am falling in lust with you because when I lust, it is true.
So was I meant to just lust, or love you?
Should we be in lust forever, is that so bad?

I was all alone, just me, just one
You see alone, alone has the word one and there is only one of me and only one of you
But what word means us and has the word two because I don’t want one alone, I want us the two
I have tried so hard to find the word because I want you, and I want us, and I want true, and I want two
How about the word Artwork? That has the word two
Does it work, because you are a work of art and I work hard to find our word with two
Trustworthy! That’s it, right? It has the word two, and I trust you, but do you trust me…? I don’t know
Paintwork… It has the word two, but it also has the word pain and then there is the word outwork
And I feel outworked, trying to find the word that has two, to prove to you, my love is true, and that’s all I want to do
But why isn’t there a word for two?

I've wanted to do a lot of things.
I want the experience and that thought attracts me to almost doing it. Even the bad things of life and I've always talked myself out of it. But what if I didn't?
This is being human.
You are attracted to things. You want experience. You want to live and be constantly assured that you are, be that by feeling things intensely like the rush of ****** or the strangling of someone. Or hearing heavy breathing in the middle of the night. Or classical music so strong it makes you cry. Or deep conversations with your uncle and cousin about religion and life at three in the morning. Or smelling something like fresh baked bread you made with your grandmother or the smell of an aired out house that brings back childhood memories or the smell of your lovers skin that is tangy and a little something else.
You must constantly satisfy your senses to prove to yourself that you are alive.

Regurgitating secrets
onto sleek marble flooring
through the endless hall,
echoing in thier ears
like a broken record; repeating
and jumping back to
start it again.

Starting like the fresh blood
pumping into my veins
and out the cuts on my hands
that hole in my head
and down the side of the knife
impaled between the north and south  
of my core *****.
The so called "key" to living.
torturing us, wanting us to "love"
wanting us to "hate"
wanting us to pretty much "want".

But what do i know?
I'm just another writer
aiming for success
trying to decipher the
broken logic of lust and love
of trust and friendship.

TRUST?! is that what we need?
To make this world
actually rely on another
to possibly
help with thier troubles
and discover the other?

Or if trust was real
and there was no such thing
as a backstabber,
i wouldn't be in this hall
lying face first
in a pool full
of ****** lies
and truthful *****.

There was a song,
I recall like a drug.
From my childhood,
yet faintly lost at sea.

It was a sweet song.
A whistle?
A sweet song indeed.
It was a humming,
and a hemming.
And I sway to the long,
for that old sweet song.

The song that shut
sweet child eyes.
The song that could
disguise bad times.
The song filled with warmth,
to soften my ice.
The song that calmed pain,
proving the existence of 'truly nice.'

This song from way low,
to the day I now know,
is my..heart
my..sky
my lu-lu-lullaby