we're in the trenches
arguing
fighting
spiteful stares
all the capitulations in the world
couldn't save us.

you're home late
i got a taste of you
just a flavour
you were drinking
and smoking
but that kiss
tasted of a lot more.

I wish
that when I woke up,
you would finally be there.
I tried to stare into your eyes
and realised
that you were still missing
and I started drifting.

There you were
your long, blonde hair
smiling at me.
Suddenly,
caught by the headlights,
you were tossed
and when landing
your teary eyes slipped out of this world
full of smiles
romantic nights
children's laughter
blue skies
golden sunsets
and you left us all
into the darkness
and you were so afraid of the night.
I had to get out.

And when I turned to look at where you should have been
your picture looked back at me
smiling.

if altitude
is determined by
attitude
I'm in my grave.

Golden Gate Bridge,
pathway between two worlds
the bay's own graveyard.

A young man named Kevin
on the rail, talking to officers.
Shifting
from side
to side
a leg in both worlds.

He had lost all hope
odds were stacked against
life had doled out too many lemons
and he leapt.
Ending his own pain
and sparking everyone else's.

When I was around her
she pulled the colour out of space,
tore the fabric apart, left no trace.
I knew her
inside out,
upside down,
forwards and backwards,
she called the shots,
but I shot the calls.

She liked her anemone,
it was her friend to be
it was buried, caught in a sea
of nettles, but she ripped off all the petals
as easily as
time and space itself.

he jumped off Golden Gate
they never saw him again.

cracked his skull on the pavement
the boys kept kicking.

blood spilled everywhere
suicide note too soaked to read.

he arrived to the party in a Ford Escort
he left it in an ambulance.

back home
we talk past each other
and always about other people
in our circles.
we only care
about ourselves.

back home
we have a small garden
eight feet of space
nice and well-kept
shielding out the concrete reality.

back home
we smoke so much
we've forgotten the taste of fresh air.
we smoke until our rooms get blue
and our lungs black.

we smoke to **** time
and ourselves.

back home
not only smoke fills the air
shouts
shrieks
screams
and happy pop tunes
endlessly on the radio.

Hey, *** me a smoke
I can't smoke my lucky one.
Could you ******* it, too?
We didn't last in the long run,
but I used to ******* you.

*** me a smoke,
I'm a broke bloke
What's your attitude about?
Don't *** me out.

My grandma won't hug me
she thinks I stink
My mum bugs me
when I get too much to drink,
I think.

My friends think it's cool
we stand in the bike shed behind our school.
The girls are looking,
I just wanna look good.
Can you please *** me a smoke?

Cancer, Cancer, Cancer
I know you well,
we go a long way back
you wanted to **** my mum,
starting with her *******,
and then fondling my dad's *****,
wrecking homes wherever you go.
Who's next?

We build rays to keep you out
what are you all about?
You like those children, too, you pervert.
Cysts, cysts, cysts,
he who will be kissed,
will be missed.
Who's next?

People blow on your cigarettes
while you **** the life out of them,
cutting their hair off, sending off moans.
Listen to their groans.
Why do you wanna see their bones?
Who's next?

Don't get too comfortable,
nothing good will ever stay.

They cried, "You've got the rest of your life ahead of you!"
Don't remind me.

The
Life's amazings
you've got so much to live fors
people love yous
are too much
I'd rather go out wildly
or by botch.

My defences are like chewing glass Skittles;
they're too brittle, my mouth full of shards
I'm spewing blood by the yards,
while switching wards;
I've tasted the rainbow,
the flavour was like ****
blow after blow, I've taken all the hits.

Ironically, I'm on the bridge,
after burning too many,
I've pushed away people,
family
friends
lovers
and now I don't have any.

You need help!

They cry, they chant
Stay on this Earth, life is lovely,
but I just ******* can't.
No one cares about you, life's tough
right until you're suicidal
then everyone's an idol.

You need help!
You need help!

No, I don't.
You're in the wrong,
Politicians lie and you eat it raw, the rich are in control
I don't belong.
I want out, noose in hand
suddenly, life doesn't seem so bland.

Get out, get out, get out
I'm feeling this too early

22, young, whole life ahead of me,
this is not a call for help, not a plea
Society, life and I are too disjoint
and we'll all die
so after all, what's the point?

Get out, get out, get out
Get out, get out, get out
Get out, get out, get out

I want out
don't let me stay
if my noose snaps,
you'll find me somewhere in the bay.
Please let me out,
I beg you,
offing yourself is so hard,
too hard,
I am too scarred
and survival instincts are tough
I wish this was bluff.

You need help!
*You need ... *

Get out, get out, get out
Get out, get out, get out
Before it's too late

I feel trapped, no air
legs kicking, arms flailing.
People stare,
but now I don't care.
No grey, colours come back
blue
green
yellow
red
orange
they are all there
I'll never look back.

dozens of lamps on a string, flashing
bass and **** yous hurling in the air
"Cheese".
fifty applications out, no cashing
cold apartments and lots of life's not fair
"Cheese".
lotta pills in my veins, teeth gnashing
at this point, i just don't care
"Cheese".
brother comes out, plates smashing
parents won't share a prayer
"Cheese".
walked outside one night, two guys dashing
bones cracking and small tears and a big tear
"Cheese".
eviction, no help, no compassion
just another Kodak moment
**Say "Cheese".

the other girls didn't work
she would have
if she was still with us.

I'm over you
but you keep appearing
under me

Flames behind me
the smoke blinds me
the fall in front of me
don't wanna jump, not for the life of me.

We've all hit our expiration dates
Johnson dangling, entangled in a wire
he's 68, he was about to retire
a burnt child dreads the fire
and he's a lump of charcoal.

Up many storeys
the planes hit precisely.
News helicopters flying and taping
there's no escaping,
the fire's approaching.

I need to jump,
no slow death here.
Here we go,
Geronimo!

Fire caught me in my fall
God's doing his roll call
pain in my legs as the ground comes closer
I move quick, I cannot breathe, my lungs are squished
Did I tell my kids I love them?
No, but I wish.

being aloof
is perfection
but cashmere makes
perfection better
gucci makes
everything better.

come play dead
you do it so well
doesn't it feel good
to drive a bus?
to stand behind the till?
to stand in the queue?
people need to go to places
buy their groceries
and you need
your fast food meal
come play dead
you do it so well.

it's a theatre
be sure to get there early
to get the front seats
who wanna watch
from the back rows?
come play dead
you do it so well

it's hard being full-time in love
with a part-time lover

you're howling at the other girls
in the bright moonlight
hunting them down
******* their carcasses.

then returning
kissing me goodnight
being ever so still.

now, kid, I know I haven't been the best
man to guide you through life
I've tried my best
succeeded
and failed
but I've tried my best.

I loved you
I miss you
it's been almost a year
I hate the gap
that you left behind.

You were so amazing
always nice
kind
giving
funny
the best thing I ever
brought to this world
you always lived for yourself
and yourself alone
but you helped others
to live their lives to the fullest.

I just took some sleeping pills
not too much, just enough to see you
I miss you so much.
But I wonder,
who'll take care
of your mum and sister
when I'm gone.

Society is no fun
imaginary responsibilities weigh a ton.

A pro status quo preaches,
not voting is a sin,
you sucker punch him,
you like punching suckers like him.

the world is our enmityville
don't bother trying to catch that bus,
the driver won't stop for you.

hissing telephone wires
noisy tea kettles
the lonely ******
you hear through your wall.

people bringing you down
people getting the best of you
funny how saints are born
once they've run out of sins.

this is enmityville
where neither life nor death
seems appealing.

passing by on the streets
talking
cracking the same jokes.
but it's not the same.
it'll never be the same.

je voudrais faire un câlin à toi
mais tu pues comme l'innocence
d'une clope.

ma mamie encore ne parle pas
à moi.

So, I sorta broke away,
colliding into the moon to prove
that you're my number one.
Wipe your tears because I'm here to
promise that I'll always be around,
if not,
I'm near you.

I waltzed with the sun
and mingled with the stars.
always behind bars on Mars,
trapped by your stun gun.
I was the center of galaxies,
oddly enough,
you were the black hole
and seized control
and you made me slip

down to Earth
I smacked my head
and you said,
"Try ******* off instead".

We flew to Las Vegas
and Atlantic City
a lot in our gambler years.
Walked down the Strip
or Borgata
bathed in city lights
pumped up on drinks.

Lester got snatched
for counting cards,
Derrick went away,
drunk driving,
we don’t care
we just keep drinking
and keep losing.

Practicing poker faces
at the table
makes it easier
to lie to our wives.

And we don’t talk about our kids
while at the tables
or in the bar.
College funds gambled away
or spent on prostitutes.
We know we’re
letting them down.

A worn out girl
beaten daily
by her dad
brother
boyfriend
fiancée
husband.

All of them.

The weight of the world is on her shoulders.

Like any other day.

nine years old
such a beautiful girl
sparkly eyes
long, dark hair
and still haven't lost her
zest for life.

she gets tucked in at night
and is sung a lullaby
everything is quiet and happy
but only up until this point.

in the eye of the storm,
her covers are ripped off of her
her pajamas torn apart
her face is filled with
tears
sweat
fright.

****** in the dark
she sings him a lullaby
scarred for life
devastating
and who would have thought
it was her brother all along?

I've got this
hate machine
inside of me.
I built it out of broken dreams
and it runs on what ifs,
could've beens,
would've beens,
and should've beens.
Its fumes
are so poignant.

you fuel it
with your lies
and your smirk
your ******* smirk.
I hate you.
What if you stuck around?
It would have been so good,
it could have been so good.
Who am I kidding,
it should've stayed a dream.

have a nice life
don’t let me stop you
you were always
full of life
everyone laughed
I wish it was contagious.

have a nice life
tell mom i loved her
tell dad i hated him
tell yourself you
were my everything.

have a nice life
try to
even though i couldn’t.
Hearts break
or turn to lead
in this mad world.

My thinking is in bold,
but my words in lower-case.

She dreams in italics,
but,
unfortunately,
speaks in CAPITALS.

You stood there
wearing your hurricane dress.
And all that swept across my mind
was how the gale would clash our bodies together.

After-party, the people were firmly rooted
bored, long-winded.
You were in the bathroom stall on the second floor
blowing me away,
blowing me in gusts
and launching a chilling breeze
down my spine.

Years later, the sweet tunes
clanged by the wind chimes
reminded me of you
wearing your hurricane dress
leaving me breathless.
Before you stormed off.

every morning
betwixt and between
will they fill my place
with someone else
or am I given one more day?

go to school
I see my friends,
walking over to them
I know what they're thinking

there he comes again
such a loser
why do we bother?
**** him, I hate him
let's freeze him out

but when I get there
they're always smiles and chuckles
always cracking jokes
at the poor disabled kid
and I'm laughing with them.

.

i miss people i've never met
their imaginary faces stick to my eyes
relationships i could have if i was there
at some point
stuck watching them unfold without me on the t.v.
i miss people i've seen on screens
no flesh and no bones
only heartless machines

i miss places my soles didn't even scrape
taking busses people suffer through every morning
daily routines i'll never have and apartments i can't afford anyway
i miss being in coordinates
kissing the skies on buildings
taller than they come here
geotagging myself where i see myself
not on my bed
tilting nights colliding with my head

she said
but we never
met again.

I wish this loneliness
would leave me alone.
I am legally blind, a metaphor for my state of mind
I like to keep people at bay, say, do all people carry dismay?
I look at her *****, it's like a potent revolver
Warm, wet, scratched, and half-seen
I wish I was a problem solver.

I gotta tell ya,
jazz ain't what it used to be.
Charlie Parker, Thelonius, Miles;
the girls would writhe the notes away.

Today, though, jazz is much more different
Kamasi, Riggins, and that other dude
By the way, the girls still writhe
they're much easier to crack dead
than alive.

i was hopeful
but you made me lose hope
i hope
you know that.
hopefully,
you do
'cause i can't tell you.

it's hard to get out of bed
these days,
either the whisky is too strong
or the confidence too weak.

got up
shaved
ate a healthy breakfast
brushed my teeth
everything went so well
I almost didn't drink my morning beer.
almost.

at the restaurant,
sweetest girl
she's been through
most things like me.
downing red wine
with a beam.

then she enters
looks my way
I get cold and cagey
new girl looks worried.
I grab my ***** and
start chugging the wine.
I ended up
******* myself to sleep.

you graduated
but didn't move
didn't work
didn't study
just stayed behind
in your hometown.

that's the hardest part about
staying
when everyone else left
the world doesn't care
what you think
or how you feel.

you're in the queue
at the store
getting flashbacks
then you see a youngster
paying at the other till
it's like seeing yourself
from two years ago
and all of a sudden,
you miss everyone.

it feels like
the only thing connecting us
these days
is my ****.

the one. three words:

"I.

     love.

                you."






(we've lost touch)

A girl's love, they say,
is so easy and kind;
it should make you want to put even the ******* days on rewind.
Walking in hazes, tripping on wires in mind mazes.
Dandelion ships, Jedi mind tricks.

Your love, on the other hand,
makes me want to **** myself;
run my car into a tree
getting stung in my eyeballs by a bee, hey, look at me
I'm controversial!
No, I am just in love and your love is a house
set ablaze
filled with exits, just in case,
but I don't want out.
I want the fire to gnaw my leg in half,
to rip open my calves, to rip me apart.
Keep munching on my heart,
but spit those seeds out.

Los Angeles
Griffith Park,
June 2009,
we got out of our concrete cage
and into the untamed wild.

We tried to escape the amber streetlights
because they polluted the sky;
twinkling stars
winking aeroplanes and
startling skylines
covered in the midnight blue.
I walked with you,
in lockstep,
we avoided the cracks
in the pavement.

We found a quiet place,
just you and I,
the sky cleared
and I didn’t want to blow my cigarette palls
into the sky
as I feared
they would block your view.

I am not a person
just a fool
worthless
spineless
mindless
unhappy
just a string of events
and flings.

My dad said, “Power through”
my mom said, “Pour me another”.
Both said, “You’re our everything”.
I started out with nothing
and in the end
it will still be
my everything.

I promised mum I'd give
her my old baby photos back
once I was done.

Alcoholism took her
before I could ever
keep my promise.

sometimes i wonder
how many people
I've talked to for the last time.

sometimes I wonder
how many people
I've hurt and how many
I have yet to hurt.

sometimes I wonder
how many times I've passed
the person I'll marry.

sometimes I wonder
which of the people I love
will die first.

sometimes I wonder
when I'll die
and if I'll finally
he happy

sometimes i wonder
how many people
I’ve talked to for the last time.

sometimes I wonder
how many people
I’ve hurt and how many
I have yet to hurt.

sometimes I wonder
how many times I’ve passed
the person I’ll marry.

sometimes I wonder
which of the people I love
will die first.

sometimes I wonder
when I’ll die
and if that will finally
make me happy.

please,
don't worry
i have never been better.
got no job
no friends
lost my daughter at birth
lost the love of my life
but i'm walking around
in my pretty daze
trust me,
i am better
than ever.