Lord, I cry out to you with a wrathful
heart.

I cry out with a heart of an anarchist
being shaped into a pacifist.

I want to put my fists through
the hearts of the oppressors.

I show them love.

I bleed onto my enemies.

I bleed for you.

Beloved, I take refuge in the stronghold of *Your love.

there are some words better
spoken in silence,
like a gentle touch and a soft
smile with the one you love.

summer's gone away
the leaves are falling
and the night is pitch black

I miss the long days,
and the green leaves on trees
Oh why I gotta rake those leaves

the cold is a comin'
and the pretty colors
ain't do no good when I'm cold

but my heart starts to warm
when I remember that
my baby is by my side

heaven and hell lives in me
the fires of my anger destroy
me from the inside

deep rage rises from nowhere,
and I feel deep compassion for myself
despite my short comings

I am both angel and demon
rolled  up into one
I love them both

walking this path alone
is so lonely

please walk with me

in dark periods of my life
my thoughts lead me to
seeing my life as hopeless and pointless
I tried to hurry the end multiple times

today, my thoughts wander around my head
leading me to wonder about how
I am still alive
answer: grace

I hope I do not squander this
great gift I've been freely given
and remain grateful
by passing it on

i feel the Inner Light
shining inward and outward
in the holy silence

still awake
yet my body
longs for sleep

thoughts are
rushing in and
not slowing down

the more I try
to sleep I
am more awake

I am sleepless
not because I
am full of fear

I can't sleep
because my heart
is brimming with love

I am filled
with anticipation of
love yet to come

may my delusions
be smashed

may my sanity
be restored

the one I knew
is dead and gone
lost at sea

pulled out
by the tide
drowned at sea

only to return
as not walking corpse
but a new man

you did not
rise like the Phoenix
out the ashes
but rose out of the water
baptized by the trial at sea
into a hardened sailor
with a sensitive heart
because of the suffering you bore

being lost is relative
and in some ways
you found yourself
for the first time
when you were
lost at sea

there is a chill in my bones
the kind that cannot be rid of
by empty words of comfort

no amount of blankets
or wood in the fire can
bring warmth back to me

only when my frozen heart
begin to awaken by love
did the chill in me bones
fade like a distant memory

there are no words to describe
the space in between
where love blossoms or welts

no words to describe
the space in between
when life lifts you up or crushes you

no words to describe
the space in between
the joy of birth and grief of death

the greatest gift of my spiritual journey
has been learning to experience
the space in between
where life is more than either/or

not lost or found
nor seeking or avoiding
just **being

no great awakenings has happened today,
but something small has shifted and my heart
is just a little more free and light than it was yesterday

each day sometimes can feel weighted with life's responsibilities,
and feels like more of a burden than a gift

a subtle shift happens in me when I trust in a God I don't understand to guide me, to where I do not know, but
I know I'm not walking it alone

there is a slow burn that
irritates from within

my only relief is drinking
from the living water
that quenches my thirst

grateful for another day
with breath in my lungs

there were days when
I used to pray for death,
but today I pray to grow
so I can be more useful
and to help another who
is suffering

i want to laugh uncontrollably with someone I love

run naked through the woods at night

make amends to people I've harmed

tell my wife I love her

give thanks to a God of my understanding for my life

hold my baby daughter in my arms

my thoughts run wild
as I sit in silence

I focus on my breath
and my thoughts go off
like pop-corn

I come to my breath and posture
I keep thinking about an itch
I can't reach

I keep coming back to my breath
and to this very moment

wounds on the surface are easier to heal,
then the deep wounds I experienced as a child.

sometimes my old wounds of my heart rub against
the wounds of others, and in the confusion we lash out
against each other, when in fact we are reliving an old pain.

when I embrace my brokenness, somehow I can move forward.
in loving my self and extending forgiveness and gentleness to
my own heart, I am able to extend love when someone I meet
bring their wounds forward.

slowly but surely, my deep wounds guide me to a deeper surrender and deeper trust in a loving God that holds me safe.

I am treated as small and insignificant
many feet tread on me

I have been around for millions of years,
I have been a mountain, a boulder, a stone,
and finally a grain of sand.

I am small but beautiful.
now, I can catch the light of the sun,
and let the light in.

willingness to
be honest and vulnerable
cracks open the door of my heart
to allow love to flood in,
so I can then share what I have

fear holds me captive and
keeps the door of my heart closed.
I cannot give away what I don't have.

love frees me to open up to life,
and trust in connecting with another, which always feels like a leap.

anger leads me to the gates of hell
a short trip from fear to anger,
then to rage

heaven and hell is a state I live in
here and now

fear paralyzes
then I fall back to
my old self

the cicadas are singing
and the cats stare in quiet contemplation

a cool breeze passes through our window
and my heart perks at the sound of  your foot steps

love is knowing your steps
and greeting the rhythm of your breath
with wonder and gratitude

my spirit
will not be caged
by conformity
and ignorance

strange that my
self-will and self-centered fear
had to be emptied
before I could be filled by
a Loving Power

I did not surrender,
because I was so spiritual
but I had no where else to turn.
the gift of desperation was truly grace, a free gift, but in the moment I only saw it as a curse.

O creator
I am lost at sea
until I rest in you

in the silence of contemplation
I become one with the sea,
and awaken to the reality that
what I was searching for was you

you were with me always
even when I thought I was
lost

Beloved*
help me
open my eyes with loving attention
so I may see the world with a lover's heart.

flooded with emotions
lost in thought ,
then I remembered
"feeling are not facts,"
and I should judge myself
based on my actions.

I try to put one foot in front of the other,
and do the next right thing.

negative words cut into me
they leave their wounds

old cuts flare up now and then
I hear the world screaming
I am not good enough,
even when I am the only person around

the negative voices in my head
are slowly quelled by the daily spiritual path
based on love and service,
and each subtle damage is being transformed
to scars that teach

my heart explodes with joy
as I flutter my wings

I will never fly as gracefully
or as long as the other birds

but when I am in the air
even for a moment
I feel free

my broken wings lift me up
to where I do not know,
but somewhere etched in my heart

a strange thing happened when I
started singing songs of gratitude
for learning to fly with broken wings

other birds with broken wings
started to gather around me
sharing their experience and hopes

I am free as my heart sings joyfully
my own hopes and dreams
as I share my experience
to help another bird with broken wings
to journey a little closer
to the place etched in their hearts

and somehow I am exactly
where I am supposed to be
flying with broken wings

unrelenting thoughts are vying
for valuable space in my head

nothin' like home cookin'
to revive my soul and belly

I used to seek connection in bars
needed at least four to five pints to talk to
someone

I no longer seek connection by chasing the bottle
connection starts with me and a God of my understanding
that's always with me

I used to feel totally alone and isolated with
a room full of people
and today I am connected even,
when I am alone

I am grateful for the love was shown to me by others
who felt as alone and hopeless like myself,
and they loved me before I could love myself

I am at home
in my heart
as love bursts forth
like contagious laughter

most of my life I have tried to keep
appearances and show the world
that I was a strong confidant young man

I smiled my polite smile as I was dying inside,
so afraid to share with any other human being
all the shame and guilt I kep buried deep inside

I have a fellowship of people today,
where our common weakness unites us
and we find strength in mutual vulnerability

when I embrace my weakness,
I allow God to enter into me
through my wounds

how easily I forget along with the rest of the world
that God chose to meet us face to face in weakness,
in a flesh like mine

the yellow glow of the rising sun
gives me the gift of renewed hope
and gratitude for my breath and life
today

dear friend do not loose hope
someday the shards of broken pieces
will be lifted out and placed
to create something new
a beautiful tapestry of color
and life lived through pain
to create a beautiful
mosaic

autum comes
I am a lone leaf on a tree
holding for dear life
last one to
fall

winter comes
and I am huddled
on the ground with my
fallen brothers and sisters

I return to the earth
and absorbed back into the great source
the giver of life
the tree

spring comes
I am reborn again
budding, growing
and no longer alone on the tree
I had forgotten that I was never alone
I was holding on when I should of let go
to join the great connection
of life

my own thoughts keep me trapped,
the bonds tighten when I try to
think my way out

I am only truly free when I open my
heart and mind to something different,
which is to open myself to love

I am slowly lifted out of myself,
when I give and receive love.
helping others, really helps me
to be free

lives burn bright
and die out

some are remembered
and some forgotten

each light is precious and unique
in the end which lights are remembered is
insignificant