I wanted to be more
More than the way my eyebrows arch
More than the size of my *******
More than the length of my legs
More than what size jeans I wear
More than the color of my eyes
More than my body shape
I am more
I'm the music I listen to
And the songs that make me feel something
New
I'm my favorite books
And the lines I highlight just so I never forget
Them
I'm the times I've been hurt
But even more so I'm the times I picked myself back
Up
I'm my favorite movies
And the scenes that made me feel I was a character
Too
I'm not just the beauty you see
It's much deeper than that
I'm the love I give
But I never let myself be defined by the love I don't
Receive
Because the defintion of me isn't the people who refuse to love me

Did you call me pretty
Because you actually mean it
Or because you'd like to
Get me in your bed
At some point
This hook up culture
Is something I refuse to be
A part of
I want a guy
Who wants to get to know me
And find out my worst fears
Not one who only cares
About getting in my pants
Don't call me pretty
If all you want is
One thing
I see through you
And what it is you're trying to do
I'm more than what my body
Says I am
And instead of focusing on
My appearance
Why don't you take a moment
To get in my mind

Have you ever met someone and realize that their hand fits perfectly within yours and their body intertwined with yours gives you the kind of feeling they write cheesy poems about?

You found me in the dark
When I was purple and blue
But somehow it was enough for you
I was like the moon
And you were like the sunshine
Radiating your light upon my darkness
I never knew what it was like
To be chosen
To be discovered
To be picked
You saw me when everyone else refused to

Don't fall for me
Don't fall in love with me
When you love me
you also love my
mishaps
flaws
mistakes
demons
I will over-analyze you
and every word you say
and every move you make
You'll see that I'm a mess
and majority of the time
I don't know what the hell is
going on
I'm a clutz and trip over my own
two feet
I'm needy and I'll often ask you if you seriously do
love me
My emotions are so big and wide that I have enough to go
around for everyone who doesn't give a ****
but if you decide to fall in love with me
regardless of all this
I'll write you poems so sweet
that they'll sound like melodies
I'll love you like the sun loves the moon
I'll care for you in a way that is so gentle and delicate
I will always be there
I'll be your rock
I'll love all the things you swear you hate about yourself
I'll make constellations out of your freckles
and a new galaxy will be found in your eyes
I'll find beauty in your flaws
and you'll wonder why you never loved yourself
in the way that
I love you

It hurt when you left
Not because of you
Walking away
But because when you left
You took a part of me
With
You

I've learned about self love
a lot in the past few months
and how to love the way
my thighs jiggle

I've learned about self love
a lot in the past few months
and how to appreciate
my thick eyebrows

I've learned about self love
a lot in the past few months
and to remember that my eyes
twinkle like no other

I've learned about self love
a lot in the past few months
and how to treat my body
like a temple

I've learned about self love
a lot in the past few months
and that everyone's definition of beauty
is different

I've learned about self love
a lot in the past few months
and how to accept
that I'll never fit society's standards
but that it's okay

I've learned that I'm beautiful
and that's the most important part
of all

You told me you liked me because I was something new
But then suddenly I wasn't enough for you
I hope the thought of me leaves a bad taste in your mouth
Memories shared with you are a
Blur
I'd rather forget
and not remember
I am enough
I was always enough
And to hell with you for refusing to see it

The concept of time is weird. One minute you're fifteen and you think you know what the world is all about, but it turns out you don't. The next minute you're nineteen and trying to figure out what the hell to do with your life and how to do this "adult" thing.

Song: This Charming Man by The Smiths

People should think of their eyes as their own personal universe. The color doesn't matter so much, the way it twinkles and sparkles on its own does. Every universe is different, you must just let yourself explore far enough.

Life is nothing but a string of
intertwined moments
once something happens
they're all set off
do you ever get to thinking about the "what ifs" of life?
everything would all be so different
if you hadn't met the person that changed everything
the one that showed you that the world
isn't
entirely cold
what would life be like if you did give up on yourself
that night
you decided to give in to the voices in your head
believe them
you wouldn't be standing tall like you are right now
the thing is we're eighteen years old
and this moment is ours
we've experienced so much life
but then again there's so much life
ahead  of us
so many things to experience
rivers to step through
and intertwined moments
waiting for us to mess with
their formation

I once heard
that the way you love someone can actually
change their life
so how come my love didn't even leave a
dent
nor a single scratch
was it not enough
or were you just greedy
and not content with being loved by
just me

Pearls remind me of you and the time we shared together. I don't know what it meant to you, but to me, it meant the world. My pearl necklace could almost be thought of as a symbol... A symbol of something beautiful, something that was bigger than us. *Just know that I always think of you when I put it on.

‌• you are not defined by those who refused to love you.
‌• you're still strong even on your weak days.
‌• you're beautiful, body and mind both included.
‌• it's okay to cut ties with toxic people.
‌• letting people in is hard, it takes time.
‌• forgive yourself for your mistakes.
‌• your feelings are always valid.
‌• crying can sometimes bring you back to where you need to be.
‌• hold the people who constantly check on you closest to you.
‌• love and care for yourself, don't wait for someone else to.
‌• everyone grows at their own rates.
‌• it hurt because it matters.
‌• the past tends to linger but don't let it control you.
‌• put yourself first.
‌• not everyone has the ability to understand you.
‌• you're doing a good job, try not to be so ******* yourself.
‌• don't seek out love, let it find you.
‌• your scars eventually won't cut so deep.
‌• grief is a part of a life and maybe one day it won't feel so heavy.
‌• you're worth so much more than you think you are.

-It's okay not to be okay. You don't have to be happy every single day of the week.
-A boy doesn't complete you. You complete you.
-You're not judged by the love you receive, but the love you're so quick to give.
-Life isn't supposed to go smoothly and that's the fun part of it.
-You're only 19. There's a whole world out there for you discover. No one is THAT important.
-Appreciate those that are different than you because they show you a slice of the world you never knew existed.
-Love the ones who make it difficult for you to love them. Most of the time, they're the ones who need to be loved the most.
-Never doubt the power of yourself and what you can do. You were born to change this world and impact peoples' lives.
-You are beautiful and you are important. Never second guess that for a second.
-You deserve all of the world and more. You shouldn't let anyone ever tell you different.
-There's so much to discover and so many people to meet. There's no reason to settle.
-Write. Write like your life depends on it. Experiences are best when they're documented and out in the open for others to read.
-Love yourself. That's the most important part.
-Let go of toxic relationships and people. It's simply not worth the trouble.
-Live in the present. You can't change the past and the future will happen when it happens.
-Be your own best friend, not your own enemy.
-You're not perfect, but here's a secret... no one is.

I was so hung up on the idea of you, the idea of us. I thought we could move mountains together but I failed to realize what I thought was there was crumbling right before my eyes. Maybe I just imagined a world where we could be together, a world where we could co-exist and be good to each other. I wanted nothing more than this but I'm realizing we're like parallel lines--we can try so **** hard but it doesn't matter, we will never touch despite being a part of the same universe.

2. The flower you gave me lies on my book shelf. Most of it's life has withered away and there's not much left, it's hardly hanging on. I'm thinking this is a metaphor for you  and I. There was a time when we were blossoming and growing but then we reached a plateau. We were causing more harm than good but we held on because ****, it hurts to let go.

3. Remember that time I spilled a beer all over myself? It was the first time we saw each other in more than a year and I remember how embarrassed I was. Luckily, I was wearing dark jeans but not so luckily, I was wearing a light pink shirt. I wore my coat all night, zipped it up to the very top. We walked around that night, you talked of your goals and aspirations. Your eyes lit up like a **** star in the sky. For that moment, it was just us and the street lights. I'd go back to it if I could.

4. You told me you were going through this weird stage of life where you were like a ghost, in and out, coming and going as you pleased. I thought I was okay with this and then you left the country for a month. It's not like I was seeing you on a daily basis but I suppose being in the same state brought me comfort. You were never that far away, I could still reach out my fingers and come close to reaching you. I wanted consistency, so bad, but I had to be satisifed with the little pieces of you that you gave me. So I had to pretend it didn't feel like a bee stung my arm when you messaged me like you never left.

5. I miss you the most on Saturday nights, when I'm coming down and I realize something feels off. These nights I miss the sound of your voice and the freckles on your face. I don't think I'm a bad person for wanting to hear from you in these moments. It's always been hard for us to be a part of the same world but I wanted nothing more. You said I treated you like empty calories. I think you're more of an ember but it seems you've forgotten all about the other bits of us. It must've meant more to me than it meant to you.

6. I let you know me--the deepest and darkest parts of me, the scars I keep hidden, the skeletons hidden away in my closet but you never let me now you. It has often come  back to me not knowing you, at the very beginning and at the end. Was I supposed to pry you open with a pair of pliers? It's hard to open a lock when you don't know the combination. You can't say I didn't want to know you, I tried so **** hard but you didn't let me. I never knew you could be so cold. And now, I'm shivering.

7. Letting go. I think I should've done this a while ago but I was in denial. My own form of insanity. Breaking my own heart just to see how much I could take. I've watched the sun set over us many times but I need a sun rise. I won't forget how gentle your touch felt.

You've planted flowers in places where I saw nothing but gray spots

reflection
[ri-flek-shuh n]

1. i wasn't living for myself. i was living to get through the motions of each day and to make others happy. i've been a role model for others ever since shawna was born when i was in the first grade. the weight on my shoulders, i wanted to be good enough. **** it, i just wanted to be something worth while. i feared not amounting to anything so much that i forgot what it meant to live for myself. it turns out i was suffocating myself trying to live up to these unrealistic expectations i set for myself. it was as if i was trapped in a box that had been tapped shut and i was struggling to find air to breathe. i have promised myself to never put myself back in that position. i am meant for so much more. and i deserve to put myself first. the life i was living wasn't for me. and so i took myself down a different path.

2. though i've never put a blade to my skin or swallowed a large amount of pills, i harmed myself and i harmed others, especially those that love and care for me. i'm not sure when things got this bad, but once i realized the destructive person i became, i didn't want to be here anymore. there were no excuses for the poor decisions i was making but yet i couldn't stop. i would look in the mirror and not recognize the girl in the mirror, a girl causing unbelievable destruction to herself and to others. i couldn't feel bad for myself because this was all in my hands. i guess i just wanted to feel something. i had forgotten what it was like to feel and self-destruction was easy to access, a game played between me and myself and no one else. you get addicted to the feeling of watching things crash down before your eyes. i was out of control but the only person that could help me was myself.

3. if i were able to weigh my grief, i'm convinced the scale would break. this wasn't the first time i crossed paths with death and it turned everything in my life gray. cancer took my step-father away when i was 7th grade, my mother without a spouse and my two little sisters without a father. shawna was in kindergarten and candice was in pre-school, too young to go to the services. cheyenne fought with me over wearing white. i was thirteen and didn't know what proper funeral attire was. now they live life trying to remember a father they never knew. i spent much of my adolescent life regretting the words i said and wishing i would've said more. it was selfish of me but when my grandfather passed in march, i felt i was being punished. i couldn't bear the pain i was feeling and it wouldn't go away, so i had to find a scapegoat as an attempt to make myself feel better. i'll be honest, it didn't help, i only pretended it did so i wouldn't fall into a hole of spiraling depression. i still did anyway. i looked at my friends and people who knew who lost ones they loved and wondered how they hell they got over it. i didn't know what to do to lessen my pain. it was so sharp and intense, i carried it with me everywhere i went. my therapist walked me through the stages of grief and i felt like i was reliving the moment he took his last breath. silence. fighting back tears. pacing back and forth.

once i realized grief isn't something we have to get over and instead is something we learn to live with, i felt less crazy.

4. i no longer knew who i was. a friend told me that it wasn't about figuring out who i was again but rather who i wanted to be after this. i struggled and fell to rock bottom over and over again, even after feeling as if i was on the top of the world again. after so many dark hours and low points, i flourished into a girl i wanted to be, a girl i wanted to love, but most importantly, a girl i was proud of. the things we go through in life, they change us, completely and utterly. and we must decide what we do about this change--do we lose time by trying to deny we're no longer who we once were or do we embrace it? i spent a lot of time denying this new person i was becoming. i missed the old me. i wanted her back. but she was never coming back. i took a new form. and i stopped looking back and wondering why. i was no longer meant for the things i once pursued. my own kind of metamorphosis.

I like to think of me and you as
Two separate seasons
We can never be as one
Only slightly brush each other
One of us is ending
While the other is beginning

like the thin air,
you slipped
between my fingertips

i tried to hold
on to you,
us, and
what we shared
together

i wanted it to
stay in tact
but there was no
use

it was all
slipping away,
i could feel
the distance
between me and you

i had to let go
of what i wanted
you to be

i was living in
a dream
and it was time
to face reality.

Sierra, don’t be so hard
on yourself.
Treat yourself as if
you are the world’s treasure
because that’s exactly what
you are.
I know sometimes you feel
as if you hold the world
on your shoulders
but I’m here to tell you
you’ll be okay
and to just breathe.
Stop giving second and third chances
to people who didn’t exactly
deserve the first.
It’s in your heart to
always see the good in people
but you shouldn’t feel guilt
for the times you have to
let go.
The world is yours,
I want to go out
and discover it.
Never be afraid to take
that jump,
someone will always be
there to catch you.

"your mother is an alcoholic,"
my mom jokingly said to
me one night
as she was pouring
herself another drink.

as a kid,
i didn't understand alcohol
or my mother's drinking habits.
she always seemed fine to me,
or at least pretended to be.

i didn't think anything
of the late nights,
or the excuses she sometimes
fabricated.

i smiled at her
and pretending i wasn't
actually worrying inside.
my mother was strong,
she was tough,
and i wasn't one
to criticize her drinking.

and while she said
those words as a
lighthearted joke,
i don't think she realized
i sometimes worried
for my future
and whether my
drinking habits
would hurt me
down the line.

i didn't want
to have to drink
to the bottom of the
bottle to feel something.

nor did i want to have
to drink to escape my reality.

it's a little twisted
and i'm not sure
when things got like this.

and the culture of college
doesn't help people like
me much.

"take another shot"
i take it to ease
the pain,
but i know in
the morning,
it won't make a difference,
i'll still feel the same.

ounces of alcohol,
stumbling legs,
loose smiles,
but things aren't
really what they seem.

i don't have to be
my mother's drinking habits,
pouring a glass each night
after work.

but how much
control do i actually have?
because i already feel
as if i'm spiraling
out of control.

I. Intensity
I feel it. Every step. Every breath. It's there. I feel it. In the air. In the trees.  In the sunshine. In the rain. It's everywhere. It's in my bones. It's in the world. I wasn't prepared for this and I don't know what to do now. My heart feels heavy like the weight of my own personal planet. Loss and grief, they're such big things but they come to you in waves and believe me, when they try to take you back to shore, it hurts like hell and you feel it everywhere. I tried to avoid this, tried to lodge it out of my mind but it simply isn't possible. I think I'm spiraling out of control but the only person who can help me is--myself.
II. Disbelief
Roses on a casket. Touching your  hand for the last time. Tears, lots of them. Legs are shaking. Awkward hugs and handshakes. This isn't actually happening, is it? My world doesn't feel right without you and somehow I'm still expecting to come home to your smiling face. People ask me how I'm doing-- "Oh, I'm fine." I don't have the courage to be honest and tell them I'm actually a string from falling  apart. If I don't want to deal with the weight of my own emotions, why would anyone else?   Following the how I'm doing, I get the "What can I do for you?" "Oh I don't know...make my heart feel like less of a planet and make like a body part." I don't say that, of course.  I thank them for their compassion and say I don't need a thing.  
III. Numb
I put one foot in front of the other. I must find the strength to move forward. It's been two weeks now. After being consumed whole by the weight of my own emotions, I have reached the transition  from "too much" to "almost nothing at all."  At the start of this, I didn't know what to do...and I still don't know what to do. I wish there was some sort of instructional booklet for the grieving process.  Emotions, conversations, embraces-- they all start to blend together even though they're all so different.  I feel distant but not lost. I know where I am. I am still moving but somehow I feel like I'm stationary. How do I move closer? How do I not lose myself completely? Grieving, it takes different shapes. It's like a ghost that is always lingering but only makes its presence known in the worst  of your moments.

The cancer
it filled you and made a home
and I wanted nothing more than for someone or something
to save you
It hurt seeing you get
more and more skinnier
You weren't you anymore
you were a skeleton
and at the age of twelve
I really didn't understand death
or the pain that comes with a loss
The should'ves would'ves and could'ves still
haunt my mind
but the worst part is that you don't know when
that day comes
when you're supposed to get in that last goodbye
I don't have a good enough memory to remember
the last moment I shared with you
but I'm sorry for not sharing enough
You weren't perfect
you yelled and sometimes got too angry
but just know that you're forgiven for your wrongs
I loved you at twelve, I love you now at nineteen
and sometimes I can still feel how empty it can be
without you
even after all this time
but I embrace the pain
because you're at least deserving of
that

I like to think of the best kind of love being one that makes you feel like your favorite song does. You know the exact feeling I'm talking about... When your favorite song comes on, nothing else matters and the world stops just to feel what that song makes you feel for just that moment. When the person you love walks in the room, it's all eyes on them and you feel everything in the room stop except for that eye contact.

i wish i had
never entered.
i wish i would've
looked the
other way.

(why did i let you in?)

your finger tips,
they feel like daggers.
your voice,
a song i would
never sing again.
your touch,
it feels foreign
and suddenly i'm
in a strange place.

(you're not who i thought you were)

you used to shine
so bright,
you were a star
in my sky.
the sun that lit
up my world
but you've
gone away.

(i wish i could take it all back)

the time i woke up crying,
sleepless nights,
fingers intertwined,
quiet voices,
hellos and goodbyes.

i used to look forward
to the sight of that
blue house
on the corner
but i now look away.

It's always the same
"How are you?"
But are the answers actually honest
Probably not
Ask the questions that matter
the ones that hurt
the ones that strike a feeling in the soul
"How did that scar get there?"
"Have you ever felt your life slip before your eyes?"
"Is a rock bottom a place you've been to?"
"Have you experienced love? What is it like?"
"Do you hurt or get hurt?"
"Is receiving or giving love more significant to you?"
"What does your past look like?"
"What moment were you most terrified at?"
"Do you know what it's like to have a broken heart?"
We're not here to beat
around the bush
Let's get in each other's minds
figure out why we hurt
where we've been
and what we had to go through to get here

"The moon moves oceans. It makes the Earth tremble from afar and it is beautiful. That is how I see women. Graceful but ferocious." -A boy who fascinates me

Our song came on and instead of pressing skip like I usually would, I let it play and take me back to a place of me and you

“Be gentle.”
The thing about being a woman
is that you are taught to be
gentle
but not how to navigate a world
that will NOT treat you gently.
I’ve spent my life being
Stepped all over
Like a **** doormat.
We’re taught
It’s weak and feminine
To be gentle.
The gentle ones
Are the ones we should truly applaud
For they have found ways
To love
In a world that
Can be
So ugly.
I once hated
How my heart feels
It’s as big as this planet
But I now realize
I can love in ways that
Others can not
And while I may
Have been hurt
Often because of
this, I will embrace it.
It’s a blessing,
Not a curse.


“Don’t raise your voice.”
On Saturday,
my coach told me he could hear me
from where he was standing
and he was feet away.
He meant it as a joke,
I even laughed to hide the hurt.
I’ve been told I’m loud
For most of my life
And everyone always thinks
It’s hilarious to point out
But it’s not.
It ******* hurts.
It gets old being told,
“Lower your voice”
“Be quiet”
“God, you’re so loud”
It’s like a broken record,
One I would like to never
Hear again.
My voice is a loud roar
And it’s powerful.
I won’t apologize
For the way in which
It rings through your ears.
I feel things strongly,
I express it through
My voice.
There is no mute button
And I will be heard.

“You should probably cover up.”
I was 13
The first time I was shamed
For the clothes I wore.
In middle school,
I was stuck in a classroom
With other girls in the school.
Because our shorts were too short.
I felt suffocated.
I wanted to cry.
The walls were bland and gray,
Why me?
There was just no way
I could be in the same space
As a boy
And him be able to control myself
While my legs were out in the open
For him to see.
Like, ****.  
My shirt couldn’t be slouched off my shoulder,
Either.
Because you know that’s what
Really gets boys GOING!
Legs and ******* shoulder blades,
For God’s sake.
We instill these expectations
Into young girl’s minds
Not realizing the damage,
The daggers were throwing
At their little hearts.
I grew older
And I was still being told what to wear.
“Are you sure you should wear that?”
I had to be careful what I wore out
Otherwise a guy may think of it as
Permission to ***** and grab.
I’m not a piece of meat,
I’m not YOUR girl,
I’m not anyone to you
But that doesn’t mean
You shouldn’t respect me
For who I am,
A human being
With feelings.


“Oh, honey… He’s just mean to you because he likes you.”
A boy threw sand at me when I was 7.
It got in my eyes
And all over my new pretty dress.
All I wanted to do was cry but
I was told he did it because he liked me.
We love those who hurt us
Because when we were young
We were told this meant they liked us.
It changes as we grow older,
It’s no longer thrown sand
And playful touches.
It becomes something bigger,
Something scarier than the
Monsters that you thought
Were under your bed.
Loud screams.
Slaps.
Threats.
A black eye here,
A cut there.
You look in the mirror
And you swear you’ve
Never looked more terrible.
A lack of control.
A lack of sleep.
But, but,
He does this
Because he loves me.
Weak and trapped.
You can’t escape
Because he’s all you
Know.
Where do you go?
Love wasn’t supposed to feel like
This.


“She was asking for it.”
She had a bit to drink.
She’s feeling loose and happy.
You complimented her and
Her eyes lit up.
She’s moving closer to you,
Trusting you.
One thing leads to another
And next thing you know,
There you are,
in the bedroom.
She’s not sure if she wants this
But her clothes come off
Quick like a glove.
You’ve got her right where
You want her.
You go with it
Because how could you resist
The twinkle in her eyes
And those thighs?
Things are a bit blurred
For her
And when she realizes what you’ve done,
She’ll feel cheated and robbed
For you stole something so valuable.
Before people
Ask why you did this to her,
They’ll ask what she was wearing
And what she had to drink.
Was her shirt cut low?
Was she drunk?
How unfortunate this is.
Her life will never be
The
Same,
Changed
For…
ever.

I will unapologetically be the woman I am
I will be tough
I will raise my voice
I will wear what makes me love the skin I’m in
I will walk away
I will love myself
I will fight against **** culture

-Knowing that no matter the day, the sun will always rise and it will always set and each time, it will be even beautiful than the time before
-There are always new books to read and new music to listen to
-A cup of coffee on a cold winter day
-Freshly dried blankets and sheets
-The butterflies that come with a first date
-Loving and being loved back
-Knowing that no matter where you are in the world, you and the people you love are looking at the same moon
-Music that gives you chills
-Lines in books that are so good that you have to read them twice
-The fact that you're young and the world is IN fact, yours

It's almost 4 AM and you're on my mind. ****.

I always thought that I knew who I was and the woman I ought to be. Lately, I'm really not so sure anymore. Actually, I'm not sure of much of anything anymore. Life is weird and always changing. The only constant thing is the sky. We can always look up. The stars will always twinkle. The sun will always shine. The moon will always be a mystery. I think I was so set on a certain version of "myself" that it caused me to lose myself. I was so focused on pleasing those around me that I forgot to ask myself what it wanted.

It's off but that doesn't mean I don't adore you

Let's take a moment
And toast to the inevitable kind of men
The ones we hate to cross
But somehow do anyways
The **** boys
With their egoistic personalities
And no good intentions
They make the world go around
By making us realize
How much better we deserve
So thank you
For being a **** boy
And showing me
Everything I don't want in a guy

Thoughts at night are centered around you and how I wish you adored me in the same way I adore you.

I wanted it. I wanted this. Most importantly, I wanted you.

I was warned of the monsters
Under my bed
But I was never warned
Of the ones who could smile at you
And make you completely weak
The ones who say all the right things
At the right times
The ones who have curls in their hair that seem to have been perfectly sculpted by the
Gods
The ones who have eyes that are deep mysterious and hallow
Like the ocean
The ones who somehow can read you like
A book
The ones who tear you apart but build you up
At the same **** time
I was never warned of
You
The biggest monster of them all
You're not under my bed
Instead youre in my head
You're the monster that I'll never
Conquer

Never let yourself find home in a
person
People are not
permanent
and they don't have to
stay
They can walk away at any
moment
Find home in
places
silence
the sun and the moon
music
yourself
but god
whatever you do don't find home in a
person
because what'll you do when they're
gone
and your home's gone
too

You told me you'd love me through the storm but as the sun began to disappear with the clouds, so did you. I never claimed to be a sunny day but I'm not a hurricane either. You made it seem as if I was causing havoc and tearing down houses. There were days where the clouds almost swallowed me whole and the rain couldn't seem to stop but you said it wasn't anything you couldn't handle. I used to be a sunny day with flowers sprouting and birds singing but there are things in life that change us and shape us into something different than what we once were. **** it, I just wanted you to stay. With each strike of lighting, I remember how it felt when you first kissed me. With each clap of thunder, I remember how it felt when you walked away. But don't you worry, I'm going to find someone to love me through the storm. Someone that doesn't run away at the sight of lighting. Someone that holds my hand through the thunder. I used to think I was too much for you but you weren't enough for me. This was never about me. Love isn't supposed to be a sunny day--it's a storm. But if you stick around through the difficult times, you'll get to see the sun peek through the clouds.

When you love
I want you to love
hard
I don't want you to hold back
but I also want the person you love to realize
how delicate you are
and how it feels to be loved by someone like you
Don't love someone who holds your fingers so lightly
that they can slip away at any moment
Don't love someone who doesn't take the time to understand
your worst fears and how they got there
You're like a flower and if your petals are being plucked
before you even have the chance to heal and grow
then the love isn't worth it
Your love is worth
all the stars in the sky
all of the sun's light
and all of the moons orbits
I hope you love someone who loves you softly
and pulls your hair behind your ear when you least expect it
I hope you love someone who loves your bruises
and takes the time to figure out how they got there
I hope you love someone who has kisses that are tender
as the winter's first snow fall
but most of all I hope you love someone
who makes you feel like you found
the other half of your soul

Your mind is like an ocean
that I want to spend all my time
exploring

Your mind is like the sun
I think of your thoughts in the same way
I think of rays
They spread
from you to me

Your mind is like a tree in the autumn
Thoughts scattered all over your brain
the same way leaves are scattered
around my front yard

Your mind is like that puzzle I can't seem to solve
and I think I might like that
The fun in you is that there's always
something new to understand

Your mind is like that new album I have on replay
because no matter what I do
I always seem to replay pieces of you
in my mind
over and over again

I don't want to believe anything truly dies. The things we love, the people we love...we carry them with us regardless of how they wither  away and leave us. Seasons pass and the petals on flowers shrivel up, the colors aren't as bright as they once were but I've thought in this state, flowers tell the most.

I have two flowers that I keep in a glass jar next to my bed. While their states of these two flowers may them alike, the stories they tell are different. The first was given to me by a boy I swear I wanted to love. I'm wondering if I'll ever reach a moment where the timing is "right." I hadn't seen him in more than a year and in a way, this was us meeting for the first time again. I'm easily pleased and this single flower lit my face up the same way a whole bouquet would. Holding on to this single flower from months ago may seem strange but to me, it represents the warmth and comfort a single person can provide you with. The reality is things don't always turn out the way you wish for them for them too...but I was thankful to have crossed paths with you. I have no problem taking a different turn on my journey if it means meeting you at the end of the road. The light you bring to my being will always shine.

There were bundles of roses placed on my grandfather's casket the day of his burial. I remember this day vividly and despite the daggers I feel in my chest when I think about it, I want to remember it forever. I've been able to come to terms with the death of my grandfather since March but the thing with grief is one moment it feels light like a feather and the next you feel yourself being suffocated by the weight of it. This single rose represents my sadness, my shaky knees and sweaty palms that day, the tears that have rolled down my face over again, and most of all, the last time I saw his face and held his hand. Holding the flower brings me back to that day. I still feel the pain so intensely but I am now able to smile, too. It's hard when the ones we love leave us. It doesn't feel fair but I'm realizing their presence will always linger. They're here and there with us, we just don't realize it.  Being without the physical presence hurts but a spiritual presence can help our grief to feel a little less heavy.

To you,  withered flowers may seem like something you'd throw in the trash and a thing to let go of but I hold on to them for the stories they tell, the emotions they keep within them. Life is full of metaphors and dying flowers are another one of those. I am reminded of the ways in which things and people don't actually die. They live on within us and the universe. Planting another flower may bring some joy to my life but the thorns of  the flower that came before will still hurt me fro time to time. That's the beauty of life and its highs and lows, there will be thorns to cause hurt but there will be new beginnings that will bloom.
It all lives on with those withered flowers that lay in a glass jar by my bed side. I am unable to let go of some things and holding on to them assures me they will not die.

Yesterday was ******* all of
us
We almost lost you
and hell I don't know what I would've done if we
did
I realized how precious life really is
you were almost gone
in the blink of an eye
just
like
that

"You and me were always with each other before we knew the other was ever there."

You always wanted me to
write a poem for you
You'd be surprised to find out
that thoughts of you are
in the form
of only the most intricate forms of
poetry
I align your flaws and quirks into
the finest haikus
Five syllables about how your smile brightens up
a rainy day
Seven syllables about how that freckle on your cheek
makes me weak
Five syllables about how I never liked brown eyes
until you came along

To you
I was an object of
pure lust
I was never enough
to be worth your
affection

To you
It was about the
lace on my bra
and the size
of my *******

To you
I was like your *** toy
and you wanted to spend all your time
playing with me

To you
It was about my thighs
and focusing on what was
between them

To you
I was expected to be a woman of seduction
and spend all my time pleasing you

To you
It was about my long legs
and what it'd take for you
to be able to run your hands
up and down them

To you
It was never about anything more than
the ****** attraction
It didn't matter what I did
or how hard I tried
You would never love me