I'm not lonely because I am alone,
I'm lonely because I have these feelings that I can't share. I can't trust anybody enough to let them into my head. I'm lonely because I hurt alone. Because I suffer alone.
I'm lonely because I hide when I cry. Because I grew up learning how pain is such a weakness. How nobody wants to see it. How nobody cares enough to help.
I'm lonely because I searched for love for so long and only found hate. I wanted love but found emptiness. I wanted to feel loved but only felt used.
I'm lonely because I was raised alone. And now they want to love me, but I'm left with loneliness that lingers.

I am unlovable
Only touchable
I used to think I was invincible
Until he unfastened my buckle
And suddenly my world crumbled...
I was no longer kissable
I was no longer fragile
I became dysfunctional
And now I am unsalvageable.

So absent,
Your presence is fading
The End of us is calling
I can almost see it ahead waving

The finish line draws nearer
Through the dust and the fog
Your future dangling just beyond
I watch you, as you continue on

The present chains my ankles
And you do not turn back for my hand
Almost as if you expect I'm right behind you
But you just don't understand...

I hear you calling for me
But you've run too far for me to see
You couldn't wait to get what you wanted
And where you wanted to be...

And now you stand there alone
And I'm here alone too
Surrounded by this heavy damp fog
That neither one of us can get through.

I was a doll to you
Collecting dust on your shelf
Sitting pretty all day, watching you
Smiling. Happy to be yours.

I was just a trophy
An item you collected and were proud to win
Amongst your other gold medals I stood
I felt like an important milestone in your life
Until the moment I started to feel like just another piece of plastic

I was never perfect
I did not claim to be
Yet you expected somehow
That I eventually would be

Perfect for you
But there's no such thing
You expect the world to mold to you
Bend to your way of being

Harsh as your opinions
I somehow thought you would see
The strength in my mind
The beauty in my individuality

No selfish decisions.
Don't love. Think about your daughter.
How will this affect her. How will she take it.
You do not have the freedom to choose where you go because you must think of her first. You do not have the freedom to fall in love because she may not approve.

No selfish decisions.
No matter how terrible her father treats you, you grin and bear. Because you do not have the right to behave in any other manor. You are being watched. And even though he tells her that you keep her away and that you are a terrible person, you cannot show anything but compassion because you are an example. You teach her compassion and you must practice what you preach.

No selfish decisions.
Time to yourself? What for? You chose the life you have. So live it. Every day. You chose this path so keep you're wits about you. Give her the life she deserves and work every day to make sure she has it. Don't let her go a day unhappy or a moment without, because you want a break.

Don't be selfish. This is not your life you're living for.   It's hers.

Hey,
Do you see it?
I do..
I see my future flash before my eyes, as I look at you.
I feel my heart pound through my chest
As if it craves to be one with you
Hey, can you feel it?
Because I most certainly do.

I imagined us. Over and over I saw us.
It was real. It was you. You were real.
...I imagined us

The way we could be. The way we deserve to be.
Free. In love. Happy. It was real. We were real.
...I imagined us.

In a home someplace. Making love and raising babies. Holding hands. Living simple. It was a dream. It was perfect. You would have loved it.
...I imagined us.

I don't drink.
But when I do, I can't remember.
I lose myself...
But I thought that was the objective.
I thought the point was to feel like someone else.
I always do.

I don't drink,
But when I do, I think of you.
I lose myself...
In the idea of us, in the memory of you
I thought the liquor would make me forget you
But it never does.

I don't drink,
But when I do,
I lose myself...
And it takes a while to find me again
But then just as I find me,
I always drink again.

I appreciate your compassion. I recognize your desire to love and your joy in others' company. I notice your childish ways and your faith in love. I know that you live to be loved.

I once longed for you. I had no other desire above you than to absorb you completely. Feel your energy race through every synapse in my body and embrace you within every fiber of my body. There was once a time that I envied you. I envied you for remaining hopeful in the idea of love and being able to shut yourself away from the darkness that was once me. You found a safe hiding place inside of me that sheltered you from the storm for so long. And then there was light. And so you rose. You blossomed through me like a beautiful rose garden and shared your smile. You made me smile. You made me view the world differently and most of all you let love.

But your time has passed. I'd rather be alone. I wish for you to leave. Permanently. Pack what little remains of you and move out. There is no more room for you here. At this point I just wish for silence. You've brought many happy memories but you've also brought so much heart break.

Please understand, I am most grateful for the light that you have shown. And even though I ask for you to leave, does not mean someone else won't find value in you. Someone out there needs you; it just isn't me anymore.

But my soul does
She calls for you and I ignore her
I tell her to shut the **** up
And sometimes she screams it so loud that I have to lock her away
Because I can't stand to hear it
And I can't bear to believe it...

Rebel?
Maybe.

Sensitive?
Rarely.

Drunk?
Definitely.

Needing you?
Completely.

I'm finally free from your torture
Released from your emotional roller coaster
Your emotional chains that restrained me
Yet you had no idea you had done it
You don't know what it was like...

Every second was an ache
Every breath I had was for you
Every piece of me needed you
I survived off of the idea of you
Yet you were nowhere within miles
Every song on the radio teased me
I always thought you may be thinking of me
You don't know what it was like...

Literally every fiber in my being called your name
Every street sign, every dream..
It was unbearable. It was unfathomable.

All I wanted was to escape but I didn't know how
All I wanted was you, but I didn't really want you
I just wanted you to love me
The way you promised you would
The way I imagined it could be
The way I had always read about as a little girl
The way they showed me it should be in the movies
The way you swore it could be...

And even though I forgave you, I still craved you
In this way...
For the longest time
What felt like years in your restraints
I wasted so much time wrapped up in you.
You were impossible to get over

But I can't explain just how good it feels to have my mind back
To feel my soul again
With the freedom to love
How great it feels to own my life back!

She is harsh
And the world feels her wrath
When she speaks, she speaks at you
Never a conversation you want to have

Her opinions are one sided,
Her directness is bitter
Many cower underneath her fury
While I desire to stand beside her

I desire to join in force with her
Because of her willingness to fight
And although she may seem overbearing at times
She always does what she believes is right

Which is a quality I, myself possess
In which I have been criticized for having before
But she and I, we have this same trait
That gives us purpose in what we're working for

You can tell me that she's the toughest boss
And that I should stay far and clear away
Tell me stories about how she's sent you home
In tears at the end of your work day...

While you may prefer a more compassionate boss
Id rather work under someone who pushes me
Someone who gives me more than I can handle
Which will challenge my limits and strengthen my ability.

Your silence had me running
Fearing I may find an abandoned apartment when I reached your address.
Flashing images of our nights in your kitchen,
Our passionate moments on your counters and against your furnishings,
Our bare feet caressing each other,
Our ideas floating through the air,
Your hands holding me so tight,
The way you love to make me laugh and play your little games with my mind like children,
Your playful touch across my skin,
Your eyes as you watch me gaze off into that place that I often visit in my mind. But I still see you....
I was afraid to find you gone

I reached your doorstep
My hair drenched from the rain
My breath heavy
My nose wet and cold,
Hands shaking, finding the most difficulty knocking on your door
Which sounded more like pounding...
Hardly moments went by and you opened.
I leaped into your arms and wept
You stood there, warm as I had ever felt,
Stronger than I ever realized I admired so much
You asked about my troubles and I could not speak...
I had so much courage to run here and beg you to stay,
Convince you that I need you with me,
I thought of scenarios to try and make you believe that leaving would be the worst mistake...
But now that I face you, I am weak. I am voiceless.
I crave to never let you go and tell you how much I want you here, but I can't.
I know that you leaving means a better life for yourself
And that holding you back would be the most selfish act,
And that you would never forgive me for it.
But most of all, I fear that if I confessed all of my troubled mind to you- you would still decide to leave. And in facing that, I may just come apart and never recover.

It felt like midnight
Running with the wind
Across the hills
Chasing the stars
Catching our breath
Listening to the crickets
Dancing in the river
..It felt like this

It felt like freedom
Beholding a recurring dream
Finally grasping what you've always longed for
Squinting your eyes in disbelief
Delicate tear drops of joy
The adrenaline of glory
..It felt like this

You felt like home
Like unlocking the front door of peace
The familiar and most relaxing feeling of laying your head down on your cool pillow
The safety of your life behind those walls
The carpet caressing your clean and damp bare feet
Fresh coffee brewing before you open your eyes
The morning sun through your window into your bedroom as an alarm
..You felt like this

I open my eyes, for what I anticipated to be a brief moment
But I find myself standing in the middle of a puddle
About 5 inches deep and I'm bare foot
How did I get here?

I don't know who's clothes I'm wearing
I don't recognize the street in which I'm standing
Not a soul in sight.
Stranded in the middle of a big city
And it's some time between 10 and 3 o'clock
All I know is that it's dark and these street lights light up a way

I could take this path that's lit for me ahead
But I don't know where it leads
Maybe if I close my eyes I'll go back to where I came from
Where do I belong?

I want to be one with you.
Like a flower rising each day
Extending its leafy arms to the universe
Chin aimed high, hair flowing with the breeze,
And when you pick me I wish to remain in your hands until you take your last breath.
Pick me and I will thrive within your palms
I will not shrivel like the rest.
My roots will find a way into your heart
And there I will find peace.
I will find goodness and wholesomeness,
And you should see me every day and smile.
I will bring you hope.
I will bring you happiness.
I can imagine that this is what it would feel like to be one with you.

I've run from you too many times to count
But I have never escaped
Because you are always in my heart
and that is a place I cannot break free from.

and baby, I'm wild.

I'm a double handful.

But I promise I'm worth it.

We're all a little lost, aren't we?
Does anyone have it figured out?
We all take different paths and scrape our knees
One way or another, we all face doubt..

The road ahead may be covered with fog
But to cease progression would be the real loss
Falling is only half of the battle
Getting up to move forward is the cause.

Something about this liquor
Drowns you out
Good bye--

Something about this liquor
Makes me turn on NWA
I feel more at home--

Something about this liquor
Puts a genuine smile on my face
And a light hearted giggle in my laugh

So don't bother me
I need a break.
Away from everything else.
I've missed the old me
And this is the only place where she and I can come to reconnect.

She dances,
Alone.
In such grace and poise
Positioned in between the tallest buildings
And she poses
For the camera
The bright flashes

Or on stage
In the spotlight
Twirling and twisting
Not a hair out of place
Not a step out of line
Not a breath unplanned

Trained to be accurate
Self destructing, but so well collected
The most beautiful dancer the world has ever seen.

I'm always thirsty
My craving never subsides
I found peace in you
That's why I ate you.
I wanted a piece of that.
I have realized that I cannot be saved.
I walk with the ******.
I live amongst beasts.
  I feed on the innocent.

...Like a vampire

Always aware
That I am a special kind,
but a very lonely kind
I found a home with you
But you slept and I couldn't.
You were wholesome and I wasn't.
Your heart beated and I didn't have one.
So I ate you.
From the inside out.
  I'm sorry.

Please put me down

I let you take me above and beyond
Soaring through the galaxies..
You've showed me the brightest stars
and the kindest planets
You've showed me compassion
in ways I've never known
You've showed me honesty and love..

But please put me down.
Bring me back to earth.

I don't want to fall from all the way up here
I don't want to be abandoned out here..

Please bring me back,
Where I know what to expect
and even though it's less than what I deserve,
at least I will know where I stand.

We feel so deep that we reach an abyss

We feel nothing because we feel everything all at once

Our hearts are trying to send too much data to our brains--

O v e r l o a d !

The innocence that remains inside of me
Darla, is what her name shall be
Running through the forest as if she were free
Wearing an old fashioned white dress with scrapes on her knees
The lightest shade of blonde hair that you ever did see
Dirt on her hands while her seat for supper remains empty

Darla, oh Darla, where might you be...
Chasing the butterflies and buzzing with the bees
Napping in the meadow is where you may find thee
Dreaming of Darla, she and I are dancing
Away with each other, where I wish I could be her and she wishes she were me.

I can't write out what I really mean to say
All I can bring myself to do is cry and cry
Until I am breathless.

And I am ashamed of what I have done
I hold the most regret in my heart and feel the pain of my choice every single day

I wonder what you would look like
And what you would laugh like
And of what color your eyes and hair would be

And I just don't understand how I could ever be forgiven.

I wish so desperately I could go back and choose differently.
I become so angry now when I hear women and men talk about abortion
I want to scream and cry until I am drained.
I hold my stomach and wish I hadn't been so selfish

I wish I could hold you, every minute, every day
I wish I had you sleeping beside me with a sister you would have loved so dearly
And she would have loved you more than anything.
She would have protected you... Which is what I should have done.

It's been a year and a half. You would have been one soon.
Maybe walking by now.
I wonder if you still grew, with God up in heaven with all of the other millions of children who should have been here.
I wonder if you can see me and my tears.

You still consume my thoughts
As if you made your bed there and are forever sleeping..

I will never make peace with the decision I made.

You're so used to trickery
I wonder if you've played tricks on me
You see, I would never know if you had
Because you're a trained elite.
Taught to keep secrets and analyze society
Prepare for the worst, yet remain calm
You stand guard for traveling families
While dismantling bombs.

Do you pick my brain and take notes
On my answers and reactions?
Do you see me as a potential hazard to society
Or a person with love and compassion?
I know you must remain strong all day
with your guards standing tall
But with me, I promise,
You may let them all fall.

All this time has passed
I breathe in and exhale.
Day by day, not a word from you
But you came to me in a dream last night
I was shocked to see your face
You stood there for a moment and I felt you cared
Your eyes were as gentle as they ever were
You told me what you had done
And you wanted my forgiveness...
You've had it for quite a while now, lover
But you never deserved it until now.

You do not understand,
I have never known love
I have had many lovers
But none of whom have loved me
Nor have I ever loved in return.

You do not understand
You puzzle me
With you, I am like a child learning to walk
Learning to speak
This is all a foreign language to me.

You do not understand
I am afraid.

Little black bird,
I was once you
I died inside myself and hung in the shadows
There was nothing on this earth lonelier than I was
Just as you write

I was once you
I saw a slight glimmer on earth and that was only a puddle beneath my feet from my tears falling off my face
I saw humanity but nothing worth saving
I felt nothing and screamed inside all day long until it was time to finally rest for a few hours
I answered questions doubtfully and walked alone

I was once you
Silence understood me better than anyone could ever begin to
Darkness was my best friend
Love was my enemy
Family was a foreign concept
The sidewalk knew me better than I wanted to admit
My diary stared me back in the face and mocked me
The mirror couldn't stand me
My eyes were always hazy
And music was my savior

The realm in which I lived was heavy
Every day was an ongoing battle of depression and it was never ending
Life was a sick joke and happiness did not exist. Ever.

Because I was once you,
I know that you are great.
I know how beautiful you really are inside
Beneath the destruction,
In the place where nobody else knows where to find
Someplace you have not yet discovered

Trust me little black bird,
You may be small but you are not overlooked.
You may feel weak
But you are stronger than you realize.

If for a moment she could escape, she would.
Even if just for a few hours.
Lost in silence or lost in a crowd.

She chose to escape in him.
And had she known that was the most dangerous thing she could have done,
I believe she still would have done it all the same.

Shared experiences is what ties us together until the end of our lives,
Somewhere you remain in the empty cracks of my mind..
Often walked over when in mid conversation,
Once loving memories that now store as unimportant information.

Astrology claims it has seen us before
Maybe back when the greek gods were in power and they fell in love like liars.
Always dreaming of each other and forming plans for humanity
while tangled up in each other's bed sheets.
Are they the reason why we are not compatible?
Because they have determined that  I only seem to catch things on fire and you calmly throw your waters upon my destruction..
Because I hunt among a pack and you swim with currents of the sea..
We are but slaves to the stars.

But I do know that astrology has never seen us
Call me a hopeless romantic for believing that we are different
So be it.

I know you're strong.
A force to be embraced and not confined.
I can't grasp you,
You're too powerful.
But I can lay here with you and enjoy your fury.
I can wait for you to move me...

You are a hurricane
I feel your force and I know that you can cause damage.
I do not question your abilities, but I push your boundaries.
I want to hear you crash on my shore and pour down upon me.
Break me.
Don't hold back.
Show me what your made of.

He grabbed her hand
     Covered her eyes
      Snatched her from gravity
      Flew her to the highest point in the skies
      Held her body tight

" O p e n  y o u r  e y e s "

She did and what she saw was terrifying
      The world beneath her feet

He said
    *Don't be scared
        I've got you
             And I'm  n e v e r  letting you go

In this life she is untrusting
She says she is a "new soul"
Unhappy with everything she tries
She doesn't understand the ways of people

My mother, she knows
That this is not yet her time
She is here now to get practice
For the day of her prime

I am here to watch over her
She recognizes my "old soul"
More acceptable to human nature, I am
Therefore I remain more peaceful

She will pass one day, but I do not fear
Because I know our paths will cross again
Whether it be 40 years from now or a thousand centuries
Our souls will forever remain friends.