Seeing you hurts
It always has
At first it was more of a ...
     heart melting, eyes fluttering, body shaking
type of thing
One that you and I understood as
something to be reckoned with
Seeing you now my body becomes
gnarled in shapes that you've never seen
before
Simply so that you don't recognize the
condition I am in

one so involved in their own thoughts
needless to say they have allowed it to circumnavigate them
around their life
nothing makes sense

Into the dark we ran
The wind cascading off our backs and into the valley behind-
the hills seemed promising enough,
sloping and calling for us to lay atop;
breaking our backs to depart from reality
Drifting into the clouds, we watched our souls escape with the cotton ***** we called to as children
Our minds floating along with the lonesome souls who wish upon shooting stars during the daylight-
amble we were-
singing playful tunes,
and whistling to the beat of the earth rotation

To count all the stars within our skies
Would be to name every sand grain alive
To pick apart the world, stare into your eyes
Manage not falling over in awe; survive
One compared to a runway of jewels
How contend, when diamonds fall at your feet
Standing, admiring, with all your fools
Reaching to grab hold of your beauty's fleet
Numbering the days to when you are mine
In gain of knowledge to where you reside
Wishing on our stars who understand time
Attempts to be everything for you, cried
Moon and darkness know my worth; relentless
My heart is yours to hold; defenseless

im pinching at my skin
trying to grab away at all
the surface area you have traversed

pulling at my neck trying
to rip off the marks
from your warmth and comfort

biting at my own lip
in attempts to rid
them of the love you made

my heart is aching for you

fortunately my body parts
are the only piece of me
that is still physically touched
by you

they say skin tapers away
and a new layer can form
over itself

coincidentally i am hoping
to still be able to feel
you every blue moon

but where is the new layer for my heart

to cover the scars
and salvage anything that may
be left

where is the fix for that

i want nothing to do with you
the way your bones once held mine
i wish they would all fall apart
collapse at the sight of me
independent
melt into mine like they once did
wake up and realize the sensations were real for once
it wasn't a dream you woke up from
but that you and i never fell asleep at all
awake
lost
deep in thought
too stubborn to realize whats in front of us
dropping on hands and knees
screaming why
my hand is held out to you
but this is long overdue
i don't know what else to do
just grab on already its been long enough
swallow your pride
and for once
we can finally say that we're where we want to be
just like always
you'll turn and take it as a joke
and leave me tangled undone

knowing you seemed to **** some life out of me
my efforts were a collection of habits that you superimposed to my mind
anything i knew was based around you
the coffee in the morning i thought woke me up,
was really only thrilling because you were the one serving it
drinking it black-
since it seemed to be a reflection of your heart

being with you has taken everything out of me
i feel as if my soul has been capsized into the abyss that is you
swallowing me whole
leaving nothing left for myself to enjoy
my body trembles at the thought of you
first a contentment feeling of warmth
now shards splintering into my bones and heart leaving scars the size
        of windows--
windows that you have escaped from; leaving the pain stinging just a little bit more
there is a gaping hole in my chest
and your winds are blowing straight through
leaving nothing but pieces of you for my bare and broken hands to hold on to

Pondering the idea of pain
My mind wanders into the territory that is you
A sign colored red screaming stop is facing me
I would like to know if it hurts-
if it hurts the way getting thrown into the ocean waves unprepared,
the way liquor burns down your cut throat from screaming hate filled words into the stretch of air between you and I

I just want to know if it even hurts a little,
like the way a bee may sting,
or sitting on a metal chair thats basked in sunshine
Because for me its like watching my life walk in front of me,
And leave me behind

And my thoughts tend to be enclosed to myself
     For only my head to place them upon a shelf
To think as I please
     And develop an idea that may or may not appease,
These people do understand how this process works
     Policies created and all that lurks
Before you and I, in a different place
     Subject to locking lips and showing face --
When it came to thinking what you believe
     You were forced to leave
'Welcome home' they would say
     'This could never feel like home' considering all the games
      they play--
Off the shelf my thoughts will roll
     My words spoken, content, without paying a toll

When I said I love you I meant it as a phrase that was said, was being said, and will continue to be said
I meant that everyday I would say it to you
And everyday no matter what we would be able to look into each others eyes after a long day and whisper them into our ears before falling into the abyss of our sheets
And every moment I took to look at you, you would look at me and memorize the way my lips moved & how my eyes lit up when I spoke these simple meanings to you
I never expected you to turn away from these words, turn away from me
When I spoke them I never thought you would respond with 'OK', squeeze my hand an walk away
That when I stared into your eyes you would be staring at my chest or past my messed up hair and out the window into the world without me
I never thought I love you could turn into I loved you or I need you or even I'm begging you

I always thought you looked at the lights in desperation to connect with my soul
Now I realize you've been looking for an awakening to get yourself out
I guess I was being a little bit immature
And I'm sorry for thinking, in my head, realistically that nothing could amount to everything

it was like when i saw you i could finally breathe,
and i let go of the breath i was holding in my whole life
my lungs escaping the cages they were trapped inside
like butterflies exploding from my chest

an opening of eyes
immorally structured lenses lay upon the bridge of your nose
fogging the areas between right and wrong
you still seem to find a place for me

i threw out my sneakers i last walked
to your house in
only because i couldn't have the remembrance
of such a cold time
it's mid winter
     christmas
          and i am trudging my way through
               this snow
                    traversing my way across towns
                         in order to see your face
i think i have lost my soul along the way
and when you open the door it will be
like seeing a pale ghost
     except with rose cheeks, and a heart
as broken as the ornament you've just
dropped at our feet when you opened the
door and saw my face

i can't help but think maybe this time
for the first time
you'll hold my heart instead of my hand
and lead me into brighter days instead down a road
that i am not really sure where it goes

like whiskey burning your throat on a cold day
******* in the frigid air for a breath
just making an attempt to breath normal
feel normal
realizing that their words were the only thing that could sting
as harsh as this
maybe even more

You play my body like a piano
     Every lift of my limbs is a different
     note played
Sweet tunes escape as your fingers trace
     my neck
     The song never seems to end
We sprinkle notes across our lips as we
     speak in tongues no one else will understand
     Your neck against mine gives me hope
That this song will have a great ending
     And just like that
     Mute
Silence.

My eyes are actually swollen
Pink and puffed
The trace of an ocean filled with tears leave
     a residue on my face that I cannot erase
I try to shut my eyes and clear my head
But the moment it goes dark I can feel
     your body against mine as we lay down
     before bed
The sound of your hot whisper in my ear is
     piercing to my skin
Sending goosebumps through my body
     and to my legs
My toes are itching to bring me away
I wish my mind would stop playing these
     games
I know you're not here but can you please
     tell me that you will at least try and stay
I know my blood shot eyes are a sight to see
I just ******* wish you would come back
     to me

I'm sitting here drowning on my bathroom floor
I've let the tub overfill like the thoughts
collaterally damaging my  head
There's a ring at the door
And the fibers in my heart are screaming at you,
break in and save me
This  heart is too broken to be rescued, and
911 has been on call since the day you decided
to set fire to the pain you've inflicted on me
without hesitation

The water is rising to my waist
I know soon everything will be fine
The door is sealed shut as are my eyes
I have enclosed myself to the peace of mind within
It's risen to my chest
I can feel the blood in my chest
pumping slower and slower,
in preparation for the abrupt stop
soon to occur
Thoughts of us are flashing through my mind of our last
moments
...I'm horribly tempted to run,
feel your face in my hands,
your eyes must look so confused

The water has risen to my nose
And at the very last second..
Like the wave of emotions that pass through my heart
at the thought of you,
the water rushed into the halls
And there you are soaked in your tears at the sight of me
Saving me for the first
and very last time

Granted we resemble fish in the sea
Floating on harmoniously

Time erases time defaces
You and I were endless like the sea
Such galaxy
Escapes my subliminal thought
I can't grasp it like the way I couldn't
     grasp you
Your soul
Running on the loose in search of
     a home
A body to reside where my fingers
     have not lain
Rampant through the streets touching
     where the sidewalk ends
Where our hearts met and corrupt the
     virtues of the innocent romantics
Screams into the night traversing the
     foreign cities' walls
Bouncing from side to side
At least I could say I tried
We at least thought you didn't die

I am alone in my thoughts
And the only thing I can hear is the
     creaking of the world around me
Not from human existence
But from the old entirety of it all
The walls creek from the bustling wind
In rhythm with the white sound traversing
     across the floor to my feet and up to my
          ears
I can almost recognize a smell of musk
One that you once wore when you were
     present in my life

Drunk words are sober thoughts
But my mind hasn't been working since
     you left
And the drums that usually pound in
     my ears have grown silent
Not even the thoughts in my sleep
     have allowed me to succumb to
     such things
Like dreams of you, or us, or anything
     revolving around the way your
     fingers danced down my spine to
     put me to bed
But the poison that is alcohol has
     brought my speech to a new level
Words spewing out of my mind, into and
     out of my mouth making reference
     to the way you held my body
     late in the night
And I'm sorry for texting you at 3am on
     a monday night, but ******* it
     you were the most beautiful
     human being to ever cross my
     path
And for that I thank you for sending
     my expectations through the
     roof of a home that we
     will never call our own

my mind is a kaleidoscope of you
these memories and visuals of you are woven together so tightly
it is seemingly impossible to undo--
to undo
would mean to crash my mind into an oblivion
and erasing you from this;
i don't know how much of myself i would have left,
since apart of myself has come from you--
from you
i have learned to breathe in coexistence with another being
with half of that gone my lung will collapse--
collapse
down to the floor covered in shadows and darkness
next to the closet that holds my skeletons,
including yours,
this kaleidoscope once so colorful and thriving
dark and turning
plummeting me down beneath the ground

words describing emotions
where people ponder whats actually being said
misconception for ideas
being illustrated through the mind
a mind where only abstractions grow
emotions are depicted as drawings
on screens for only some to decipher
being given the gift to place language to feelings

you cannot blame me for fixing myself the way i did.
when you told me my eyes were like windows you had broken into,
i didn’t think to touch my chest to see if my heart was still there

You're a poison and I can't get you
out of my veins
Infecting specifically my mind and heart
I wish I could just end all of this
But that would mean you winning this battle
and I refuse to succumb to such to such a sickness,
When she is the driving factor behind
all of your actions.

Infestation of the mind, they said
mind over matter, I tried to remind myself
But what really mattered at this point was
getting my body to be one with yours again.
Cardiac arrest, they said
love conquers all, I tried to remind myself
Your words and ignorance managed to
put my heart to rest better than any of the
self inflicted pain and anxiety that occurred
while you left sporadically, and as you pleased.

Slow and steady wins the race
Slowly but surely you took pieces of my heart,
and showered them onto the ground like shreds
of confetti you threw in celebration
of a new life without me.

i think part of my soul walked away with your words
when they fell out of your mouth
     i think it was something like im done trying
but i cannot quite remember
     because of how quickly my head clouded with the smoke
from hell
     and i cannot quite see your ****** expression
because my eyes fell to the floor almost as fast as my body did
     the white noise is filling my ears and the droning
of your mumbled voice was mildly relaxing as i felt
the control of my body drift away
     i do not know what happened
     all i know is that when you left
you took all my beings with you
     and what more is there for me to do
besides sit around and **** my wrists all day
with the pain from your words
dragged out across my body and into the hole
that you made when you broke my heart

... You see I've been trying to figure you
     out while you've been figuring out yourself
     and I've come to the conclusion that
     you are lost in a sea of confusion and
     she is the answer to all your problems,
It is no longer I and I'm not quite
     sure how I feel about that,
Maybe upset that your lips will never
     cascade over mine again while your bare
     chest stands against mine,
Possibly conflicted that your wise comments
     will no longer aggravate me to the
     point of pinning you to the wall
     and hushing whispers of both love
     and hate into your ears all at once,
Definitely lost because I will no longer
     be able to find your hands in a
     crowd to guide me home,...

in this one the waves are curling into my toes
breathing me to life
with the salt from the air
my hair remains falling onto the shoulders that you've claimed
for yourself - selfishly
leaving me waiting; watching the horizon line for you

in this one we have gone tangent to each other for so long
it is as if we did not even realize
we have only touched each other once

You were like a tornado filling the city;
Unwelcome
And I was unprepared
You took my heart away with your winds,
******* those winds
It was too fast for my slow beating heart
Everything was all too fast
I didn't even remember what you felt like;
I didn't have enough time
But how you grabbed my body and squeezed me
My lips turning purple and I didn't even notice
I guess you could call it the calm before the storm
That's a representation of the love I had for you
So sweet and blissful,
Then here you came
Destroying me and all my beings

falling on my face seems ideal
although my head will succumb to the pain from the hit
short and painful for the time being--
but this time away from you has no telling when the pain will seep away from my bones
each and every day another breaks
from the pressure of trying to be something good enough for you

It's not the same
I understand that his arms are molded
     similar to yours
And his eyes, although different colors,
     hold the same trance against mine like
     yours once did
His voice can put me to sleep like yours
     used to
But I shake before bed because I'm
     nervous
His arms don't wrap themselves around
     my torso like yours did
And looking into his eyes I don't see the
     magic that sparkles deep into your heart
For a second there I thought I was getting over you
Then I found myself begging to be under you

I am physically and emotionally alone
Not only am I situated where the water
     cannot meet the land and the trees do not
          bowl and bend to the seducing of the
               seasons
But you are not here to hold my hand
Your arms do not embrace my chest cavity
     and scream for pleasure in return
I am limp and loose
My body tightens when I hear  noises that
     faintly resemble you
And I feel my heart break at the cracking
     of each passing hour
I understand it's been awhile since we've
     made love on the grass where the strands
          gently touch each open fiber of our bodies
But God I would love a second chance to
     bring you to abandonment with me
And show you how lovely being alone can
     almost
          be

the tone of your voice slides into my mind
     circles and sends itself out
the low drone sends my body into
     a form of relaxation
and eases the pain
     of my mental state

And what are you supposed to do when
you are in love?
It's worse than suicide
You're stuck in this hold that never ends
and you can't seem to crawl out
Your arms
They are thrashing against the water that is
filling in
And soon enough you are submerged
Everything around you in you and
surrounding your organs is them
You wonder when will it ever stop
And then you realize
That's it
Where the hell did you go?
My mind is racing through and through
My heart is filled with angst and hurt
Now what am I supposed to do?
Because my body is wasting away and it's
deteriorating into the form that I took when
I first laid with you

I want you; I always want for you
When the sun is setting
     and the shadows cast
          resonate a glimpse of pleasure
               from the small sparks of light
I want you-- to experience all that is you
Open these eyes like the doctors welcoming you in,
     my arms getting ready to embrace you,
          and see you for all that you are
Success and determination
     in the rays of the sun
Streaming and rising to and from the earth
Away and coming inward
     they are still just as beautiful miles away
          as they are clasped around the appendages
               of my own hand
I want you; I always want for you

I never took for granted the happiness I was succumbed to from you
It was like the sun was always shining all over my skin; radiating
Without yield to the weather
My skin constantly felt as if it was covered in a warm fur
Protecting me from anything outside
I distinctly recall
‘my heart feels its skipping a beat’
‘how cliche’
There was never a hesitation for you and I to feel at home
Like your arms were the only place I was meant to be and this bed was specifically made for who
you and i
And now…
Well i feel as if my skin is made of glass
anything thrown at it I cannot protect myself
I am not capable of knowing the boundaries of feeling warm and cold
Scorching
Freezing
Never an in between
Looking behind me I wish I understood all that I had
I wish to have prepared myself better, even when I knew it was coming

Raindrops falling
Tears from broken
Pulsing through the body
Into the covering
Flooding interior
Contaminating bloodstream
Remaining none
Ideal not ideal
Sleepwalking in the storm
Colliding with you
Romance in the mist
Swept away with the sun
Rainy day stored away

Negative 3
I'm in a loose fitted blouse that's so thin
you could probably see straight through me
Pants that don't cover my calves in the
slightest way
People are calling my crazy
But the cold against my body hurts less
than the way you left
Stinging from the frost will at least leave
rose marks on my cheeks
Unlike your lips have
At least this is bearable
At least this way I can say I feel something

beautiful and ****** you called me
referring to me as a beast of your life
i - coming in and ruining everything you had established for yourself
let me remind you
you’re the one who kept me around unconditionally,
when you could have let me go