are you there, god?
i’ve prayed to you for days,
i don’t think you’re listening,
because the worst has happened.

are you there, god?
funny how i only pray,
when my life is falling apart,
i expect you to fix it

are you there, god?
i’ve made you my scapegoat,
i don’t want to be at fault,
why’d you take him from me?

When I saw you,
I saw someone that I fell in love with.

But then I look beneath the surface,
You are truly just the serpent,
Begging me to eat your forbidden fruit.

Why do you criticize me, dear one?
I get that we don't see eye to eye almost all the time,
But you're the closest thing I have to a friend.

Sometimes I feel like a demon is possessing me;
The shivers coursing through my body;
My nerves feel like collapsing - they can't support the weight;
Using my body as a vessel - the demon lowers in;
After the cold shakes - I feel like I'm burning;
I can't do anything;
My mind is skewed;
My hand moves forward - out of my control;
It reaches towards a kitchen knife - latching on like its life is on the line;
Guides the knife to my wrist - I can't stop it;
It sinks in with all it's might;
My coal black eyes roll back in delight;
I feel the liquid trickle down in an odd euphoric way;
The demon is proud of the painting it made - done with its job;
He leaves my body scarred;
I look back in disgust and wish he never came;

You led me on.
You made me believe that I was worth something to you,
And then you go,
And take back all your words and feelings,
And say that it was all an accident.

I still see you in my dreams,
Every night,
Everyday,
Every waking second.
My thoughts are a prison,
And you can't escape.

I promise to love you 'til we're old and grey.
Would you promise to do the same?
Who am I kidding?
This is all just a dream.

You don't exist, completely unreal.
To be honest, I'm all alone, passed out,
face down in the snow.
My imagination swirls around in vicious circles.
I'll need a compass to find my sanity again.

“Depression is just a phase all teenagers go through!”
“You’ll grow out of it!”
“It gets better!”

When does it get better?
7 years running,
I’m still as miserable as ever.
But now I have more than depression.
Anxiety.
PTSD.
What more mental issues do I have to look forward to?
It’s never gotten better.
Just worse.

I long to taste the sunshine in my mouth again.
But seeing you had only brought me seething pain.
I’ll never forget what you have done to me.
Erase all of your messages and just leave me be.

It’s taking me too long to be okay.
Get out of my mailbox and just stay away.
Stop sending me your demons and your darkness.
Your disregard for feelings is too heartless.

I always imagined living a beautiful life with an anonymous partner,
We’d have the same interests,
I’d treat them like royalty,
We’d feel most comfortable with each other,
I met you and instantly knew who I was always dreaming of.

Oh Peter;
I swore I would never grow up - fly to Neverland with you;
Now I'm 17;
I wish I kept my promise;

Oh Peter;
Children don't hate themselves as much as I;
Children don't get excited to drift off to sleep;
Children don't wonder whether tomorrow is their last;

Oh Peter;
Can you tell me when it all went wrong - when I stopped believing;
Perhaps Captain Hook was behind it;
I miss you, Peter;

They say a sad soul is always up past midnight.
It's 1:30 AM right now.
I'm still stuck in this perpetual cycle of overwhelming emotions,
None of which are easy for me to avoid and forget altogether.