You were like a natural disaster to our lives.

While we played in a field.

No warning.

You appeared...

You struck and we lay scattered on that field...

In tears.

Confused.

In pain.

Broken inside out.

No longer just children.

Victims to young to understand that we were forever changed.

To young to understand why we felt ***** and guilty.

The threats and fear, made us silent...

Fear and interrogation made me lie.

You left us in that open space forever, no matter where we went.

And our lives were taken...

Our parents were broken, because parents break when thier children are hurt.

And my lie...

My lie forever changed my protectors life.

My fear made me hurt another.

We were so young...

Some not old enough for school.

Our fear allowed the disaster to strike others...

Now as adults we know a new guilt.

But we were so young.

This very unnatural disaster still walks the earth...

Somebody gives this pervert comfort...

But we are forever changed.

Stronger today, yes...

But never again as free as before he stole our innocence.

This disaster turned our world upside down, and revisited us for years taking more of us each time he put his disgusting hands on us.

I'm not to religious, but I believe in God.

I have yet to know the reason for this, except that we are great protective parents...

And as I believe there's a God...

I know there is also a hell.

And while God tells us to forgive...

I have yet to forgive even myself for being so full of fear, because it allowed him to walk free and hurt us again and again, and others through time.

There is no part of us sacred or untouched by that evil...

No matter who knows our story, there's no person not even eachother who understands the depth of our individual torment.

The unfair torture of feeling an isolated, unexplainable, personal  taste of evil.

Like a natural disaster, he struck us down...

Children at play made victims of a child molester.

Survivor's!

Of a sick family member's distgusting taste for extremely young children.

We can't say we are ok.

We refuse to say you are anything more then a creature that has not yet met God's wrath.

And dare not say, you to know abuse...

Dare not say you found God...

God and abuse will find you when your six feet under.

I know I sin as I write this...

But to forgive...

As a mother myself...

Well that's it's not in me.

Do unto others...

Do unto others, that's how I live.

Normal has no home with me.

Rage is a wonderful mess.

Shake my hand...

Bend around my mind.

Bend all you can.

Sick is what I am.

Contagious is what I'm not, but you will flee all the same.

Satisfaction to my day.

Stay away so I don't have to try to explain.

Stay away...

PTSD, and a sprinkle of Rage...

Bipolar me will tarnish your day.

You will never understand my fears.

You will never understand the me that isn't me...

The desolate creation of Molestation, Physical Abuse, Verbal abuse, and ****!

Paint me Not a Victim for you are mine!

I'm ice cold and brilliant in my revenge.

I am easy on the eyes...

I'm a wonderful disguise!

I'll fight with my word's, even though I can't sleep.

You can be the victim of you!

Karma and God will find you!

But first you will see me.

My other me...

Such things that I think...

What you have done to me is nothing compared to my friend Beelzebub!

My mind's damaged Razor Sharp.

The Blood my mind spills is Beautiful, and warm like Family.

I'm the creature that feeds off the stench of your decomposing corps.

In my mind all that's gory is miraculous art.

You are Glorious in your Death!

And it is ART!

Fantasic ART!

Unique in your final pose...

Unique is your Blood on my paint brush.

Victims, Vast!

My gallery is full.

Such Monster's you all are!

But as I write, and create...

I'm the monster Today.

For Survivor's of hate!

I'll create!

No victims of innocence will bleed today.

It's a new day!

I have spray paint filled with the blood of the ******* who stole comfort from your night.

Cry not tonight!

Your composing the nightmares this night!

Set your hurt free...

Let them Bleed.

It's time for art's & craft's.

Carry them to me!

I find myself taking breaths but not breathing

Gasping even for the slightest chance of a comforting breathing pattern.

This anxiety has me on my knees. Like a thief it's stolen my breath and my strength

The dizziness sprinkles hovering over me slow and faint...

I'm lost, but not lost...

I'm here, but the room spins, and I fear I may faint

The more people I see and hear the more dizzy I get

Eyes find me...

They watch me pretend to be fine

I'm pale and clammy

I want to disappear

Tears want to fall but I'm able to keep them in for a while

When they finally fall I say that I'm fine

I only need to sit down and get home, I say I am tired

This will pass, it always does

Another day ruined, because I have to go home...

My families face blanketed with disappointment...

Another trip failed

I feel their eyes and thoughts of shame and frustration

In my mind I hear the wishes

This kills me more than the burden of anxiety alone

I feel as if I never should have left home

I want to be part of my family, but when I'm in my room...

I feel they are much more happy and things are as they should be

These thoughts bring me tears even now

I'm so **** tired of letting them down

I spiral into darkness and depression, with an anxieties jacket

And I feel them question me, as if I wasn't cursed and this was just me being mean

I sink down inside me and pretend I don't know what they think

Once in a while I'll hear I'm a control freak

Once in a while I hear I am ******

I get blamed out loud for all of my *******

Since I'm definitely flawed I know there's truth to it

This...

This, is what's heart breaking to me

And me, knowing I'm broken, it sends me deeper into my room...

I'll take my **** meds in an attempt to **** what feels like hate

But on this journey I'm still alone, even when they say they understand

I've seen way to many eyes rolls to think that they know my torture

And they will never understand my real guilt...

They will never believe that even with my emotions fighting inside my heart and soul, my real torment is that I ruin thier day

And I'm afraid that it makes me so much less...

To them.......

I feel some times I shouldn't even exist

My selfish heart won't let me leave...

I love them, so much I can't imagine giving in

I love them so much I feel shame and selfishness....

Take what you are and make it real

Never hold in what you feel

Cut to the chase and be free

Don't let anyone tell you who you should be

Open up don't waste time

Remember the opportunities you may let pass you by

Pretending to be what they believe is right will only lead your unhappy life

Take what you feel and embrace who you are

Forget people who won't accept you

discover the ones that appreciate you

Be you the best you, you know

Go out into the world and enjoy life
and attract the kind of people who will support you and be proud by your side

Put you there
slide deep within my thighs, warm and dampened
kiss me with your fingertips hands feel me inside
Fingers deep and as strong as you
find my moans
Let the river flow

Thoughts at the speed of light only a genuine lust can conceive

Sparkling skin, wetter with every touch consume my physical soul
Screaming lips and a caressing tongue don't save me now devour me whole
Movement sweeter then any slow dance, the power and precision of any known art

Bodies closer then my own flesh
Gripping hands led only by fierce eyes and *****
Rip me open ramming stealth
Quicken me till my breath won't allow
Hurricane tongue soften and drink

Take my nails and craving teeth
Slow and steady, rough and and hard
Take it all
Give and give me all
My skins tingling take your ravenous bite
Drain me now as I drain you
Finish with a rhythmic pattern
Beat us colliding shooting thunder

Bind us with our rain
Drain drain drain us
Till beautiful pain and sensual screams are no more
bodies release, and fall weak...
Want no more...
Don't kiss me sweet
Kiss my feet
Goddess, queen
You my king
This marriage is only our bodies vow
Natures wonders all of them felt

Echoing forever sinful smile
Lingering passion I'll savor
In my most precious darkest liquid dreams
And when we meet again...
No sheets

Your my world
my sun, and moon,
my water, my air,
my food to

With you here, by my side
I know not fear or sorrow

Only loves bright light

I can't express all that I feel

I can only say that it's something that heals

It's difficult to write of you

My minds so cluttered with thoughts I fail to find words as beautiful as you....

And so instead I'll write something true.....

Your my baby, my heart and soul
Your all that mushy stuff that the word love holds

With what few words I have found, you should know

I love you like that cheesy line.... from head to toe

A friend of mine, not just my mind.
A friend of mine I can not find.

My honesty to blunt.
My best trait.
My honesty so it blunt scares people away.

Am I not bold, mistaken with cold?

My friendship is honest my friendship is real.

Is this not what friends should feel?

Treat people as you want to be treated.

I thought that was the way, but still to few friends find thier way.

No time for fakes, no time for games.

Only time for those who value honesty.

And so till then a diary a pen, a piece of paper, friends till the end.

When I'm near you, my skin heats and sweats for you.

My heart flutters full of passion, and my thoughts are only for you and l.

My eyes crave yours, and outlines your shoulders, your neck, your every shadow, your art.

My art...

Your my art.

I can trace you with my lingering fingers, leading to places only for me.

Kissing your lips, licking them with my careful aggressive lust.

My lips are sweet, but my tongue will be in your every *******.

As our tongues dance I know this was my very dream last night.

You and I, like heat and delicious liquid memories.

It's physical passion and chemical romance.

You and I made to please only eachother.

To gently tease and vigorously please eachother.

This is what the best dreams are made of...

You and I dancing our sacred dance.

The dance that only great lovers can dance.

Till every ****** has stolen our very last movement.

Drained our liquid lust.

Till we lay in each others arms or spread out on the bed...

While our bodies scream pleasure and only our deep breaths remain among blended sweat and wet...

I think of this.

Of you.

Of us.

And my mind plays this distant song to my body and it radiates through me till only consuming you will heal me...

Fill me...

Feel me...

And I miss you now though in moments I'll upon you.

My self control does not exist.

Just you and l alone with our sounds and bodies bound and bent, layed out and sometimes whipped.

Passion.

All of our needs will be met...

I felt my body falling into deeper pain yesterday.
Like a shadow that drains with sharp and lingering aches.
Like a monster waiting to take its victim.
I'm where sleep feels so close and so much further.
I can't sleep or stay awake and it's torture.
I'm trapped.
I find no comfort.
I have no escape.
I'm my bodies enemy.
My mind is heavy and my thoughts confused and blurry.
I'm less of me today.
Even though yesterday I was less me.
Today I'm lesser me then I've been in weeks.
I feel depressed and frustrated.
Frustrated with my mind, and body.
Today is a reminder why yesterday was better.
Even though I was tired and my back taunted me with its nagging wide spread hurt.
Today is more.
And I am less.
Uncomfortable, unhappy, and unable to exact my discription of this curse.
Fibromyalgia's friend.
It won't let me go.
And Fibromyalgia's enemy.
It won't let me go...
This is me.
This is not me.
I'm but a shadow of me ninety percent of my life.

The fan is making angry.

Its hot but the sound of the blades spinning and catching air is deafening.

My heart is sore drumming through my chest.

Im hot from heat and hot from emotional overload.

There's nothing that can be done.

Don't even ask.

I don't want to talk, think, see, or even hear.

I want to be left the **** alone.

This fan is driving me crazy, but if I turn it off I'll be hot.

Im attempting to find a pattern in my breaths.

Im waiting for my heart beat to slow and steady.

The sound of the **** fan is driving me crazy...

Im not crazy...

But if you speak, I may scream.

Please stop trying to help.

Your helpfulness is feeding my pain.

The fans so **** loud, and NO you can't help!

Your driving me crazy...

But Im not crazy, maybe just a little angry.

The fan is the least of my problems.

Ice pack pillows...

So many and so close like skin to my skull.

Pain so vicious that my bodies aches from fibromyalgia are numb.

Any scent is like an attack, pounding my head...

I have no strength to fight back.

My stomachs tired too...

It refuses to hold any food.

Light is like lasers set to explode.

And moving...

Moving causes silent tears for fear of adding sound...

I'm in a world of torture, only one with severe migraines knows.

With prescription relief comes a side effects pain...

Thought through carefully it's worth the trade.

One morning or day gone...

Maybe even a few...

Before comeplete comfort sits a dull draining day...

After each tormenting migraine I find a sweet appreciation for my every day physical pains.

He works so hard though the week.

How can I wake him from his sleep?

My body wants him. My tongue to.

My mind is racing on what we will do.
Should I wake him from his sleep? Gently kissing him, starting with his cheek.

I'm awake I always am, but should I wake this hard working man?

We had fun. We played today.

Touching each other in wonderfully messy ways.

He led me down. He ate out.
It was all that love and lust should be about.

Lips were licked and necks bit, bodies one, and finger fun.

Ankle gripping, legs were spread.
Then he bent me over the bed.

So fulfilling and ******.

Sweating, panting.
*** perfumed room.
Held hands, hair pulling and ******* to.

It couldn't be better don't get me wrong.
But all this writing and he won't be sleeping long.

I said if I woke him I would start with a gentle kiss on his cheek, but being reminded.... That would be weak.

When he wakes he better be prepared, because all this passion Must be fed.

So I'll wake him, and I'll wake his friend.....

I can't wait to start again.

With insomnia I've been cursed, but sometimes...... I know things could be worse.

Broken much...
That I am

Broken pain
Everywhere and nowhere

I've got words thousands clutter
I can't choose
I can only say they are all broken full of sorrow rage fear and emptiness

My pains so great physically I'm numb

I'll save my emotions deep inside, because what I want to yell.....
I wish to hide

Holding tears
I'm almost a pro
Broken...
No one knows....

Numb and feeling incredible pain
I pray that I will indefinitely break

Take my heart and freeze it till It shatters and bury it someplace
Anywhere it doesn't matter.....

She was a child and broken to, father gone a mom lost to.

All Alone she took on the world.
She was so young and her surroundings misleading she lived a life of crying and pleading.

Friendly faces mostly grown took advantage of her. She had no home.

A home is comfort, a home is love, a home is shelter. And she knew none.

She grew fast, still a kid pretending to have fun with the older worldly kids.
They took her in, what they could, but they to were broken and didn't do much good.

She played house to pass the time, and didn't realize the game was life.

She dabbled in this and she dabbled in that, she didn't realize how lost a person could get.

Years flew by.
Ahh the things she missed, her daughters first period and first kiss.

She was lost... Off the grid.... She was broken, but no longer a kid.

She played house a long time ago long enough for a daughter to know.

She was broken all her life, but during her game of house, before she left, her kids were loved and it was clear
but now she had to escape a new fear.

She was dealt some pretty bad hands and couldn't seem to trust any man.

She stayed lost a good while.

Then one day she came around.
She was grown, smart, and settled down.

Yeah, she was lost far to long, but when she was found she was her, and she was Independent and strong.

She was lost far to long, but it was never to late to be my mom.

I've held her close in my heart, no matter the time or distance apart.

She was my mom, and she was broken. She missed a lot I did to, but her journey wasn't selfish. I now know. She did what she did, cause she was still that kid.

She was broken And frozen in time, broken by all She left behind. Love and drugs, deceiving friends and long long nights she prayed would end.
I was angry when she left, I was broken within.
But she was lost, she had no home. For years she was all alone.

It took me a while to catch on, that our lives were lives that made us strong.

She was lost, but she was my mom.

She was lost and all alone, but now she's found and has a home.

She found herself and found me to. Even though there's no rewinds we have something special and real. A love that a mothers and daughters feel.

There's no blame, no lost time just a mother daughter love that's hard to find.

Now I'm a mom, that took a different path. A stronger mom because of our past.
God they say gives us only what we can bear. My moms been home for many years. And now all thoughs struggles and her fears are what's lost, because now she's mom and grandma to,loving, caring and free to.

Furious tides, black black skies

Water chilled, like my heart

Waves fierce begging demise

Hollowed soul, beckons my blood.

Fire tears guiding my hate and your deepest fear...


Curse you resentment

Shower me with faith

Relieve this demanding desire to bludgeon spirit and hope of the one who keeps me living

Fail me not heart so fueled

Let me surrender this which makes me merciful or set this evil in the stone, so I can transform

Let me be kind or let malevolence reign

Dominance sway no more

Rivers wrath o' sin, utilize my entire being

Or strike my heart with life, and rid this vengeance so pure

Bring the rays so warm with it's beauty so sweet and incandescent all that is right

Or swallow me whole, and blacken my eyes so all who encounter me have time to flee

Let them destroy me with true affection...

overwhelm me with good intentions

Or shatter every shred of my beauty...

Contort me to my selfish form of desire for pain, drenched in the fear that I bestow

Hummid, disgust, gasping dirt darkened night

O' sun obliging comfort O' generous warmth...

Bless me calm winds.

Take in the light and rid me of sin

Save me...

Condem me...

Do as you will...

Just do it quickly and leave me fulfilled

He makes me write, because he makes me feel so much.

The control he has, he has no clue.

He only sees what he chooses to.

But he can make me smile like no other, and in an instant force my tears to flow.

When I think of comfort, he's number one.

But when I ready to run it's from him.

He makes me write because he seems deaf...

But when I write he is also blind...

Will our circle of ******* ever end?

I want to stay with him forever, and enjoy the beautiful part of him.

Its frozen deep down inside, and when it's thawed I am mesmerized.

Nobody could be sweeter or more understanding.

Nobody could hold me longer.

I think he has demons, as we all do...

But when his peek out, I think it wants to devore me.

Love heals all and I've never seen him lost long...

Yet it does seem often and that gives me cause to think me loving him is wrong.

He makes me write, because he still holds my heart.

He's the only man capable of tearing it apart.

He makes me write and he's still mine.

He makes me write and maybe it will be this way for the rest of our lives.

He works so hard though the week.

How can I wake him from his sleep?

My body wants him. My tongue to.

My mind is racing on what we will do.
Should I wake him from his sleep? Gently kissing him, starting with his cheek.

I'm awake I always am, but should I wake this hard working man?

We had fun. We played today.

Touching each other in wonderfully messy ways.

He led me down. He ate out.
It was all that love and lust should be about.

Lips were licked and necks bit, bodies one, and finger fun.

Ankle gripping, legs were spread.
Then he bent me over the bed.

So fulfilling and ******.

Sweating, panting.
*** perfumed room.
Held hands, hair pulling and ******* to.

It couldn't be better don't get me wrong.
But all this writing and he won't be sleeping long.

I said if I woke him I would start with a gentle kiss on his cheek, but being reminded.... That would be weak.

When he wakes he better be prepared, because all this passion Must be fed.

So I'll wake him, and I'll wake his friend.....

I can't wait to start again.

With insomnia I've been cursed, but sometimes...... I know things could be worse.

This agitating feeling...

This explosive rage...

The heat of burning paranoia...

It's as a part of me as my skin.

Do you look through me, or not at all?

Cause my pain and frustration is deep and through out me.

Like a picture of a super hero or villian with sparks, glowing and all.

How come you don't see it?

Am I also cursed with invisibility?

My chests pounds as if my hearts trying to flee this evil.

I'd flee to.

Do you see this mania?

Do you see my curse?

Are my eyes not blackened and my beauty distorted?

Do the warnings not exist?

Or like me...

Do you not give a ****?

Evil doesn't wish to converse or share space.

Can't you see my horns, or the liquid tar color extending from me?

Are you blind to my torment?

Can you not understand the telepathic messages I've sent?

You can't heal me...

I'll consume your positivity and break your spirit.

Please just leave me alone.

There's no cure for me.

I'll reach out to you when the I'm me again, or someone other than this.

This silence is *******

You don't realize, that just because you choose to decieve me...

It's only an attempt...

You look away as to make it clear you are mad

But I see through you, even though you are full of ****

I am wrong, because I rarely let the little things go

You are wrong, simply because your an *******

I can't make excuses for my moods, *******, or **** like that...

But you, your cruel just out of boredom or spite and it's making me change

I pray and pray for positive strength, for both you and I...

But now I fear my hearts weakening under this distress

I can't seem to find forgiveness

I only feel contempt for you

All of these arguments shall be the death of neither you or I

The death rather shall be of us

Pig headed, time wasting, complicated, now cold us...

My words are simple like our fights, our arguments shall be the death of neither you or I

This ******* will be the death of us

Thick fire consuming my social being.
Ice cold stare confirming that I welcome solidarity.
Silent lips with the power to isolate.
Arms empty yearning to be full, but bearing fists held tight.
Reminding you that I will fight.
A slave to my emotions.
A puppet to my mind.
Bitter from lack of control and weak from loneliness.
The only thing that makes me sane like you is that even I don't understand me.
I'm a puzzle incomplete.
Of no interest to anyone until I'm allowed to be freed.
I know little of that sweet word.
For it comes so seldom and leaves to soon.
And so I'll stay in my room.

Today -

I went out today...

I hate the world.

I went out today and cursed the world...

I drive my car with rage whispering in my ear.

I listened to the sweet sound of profanity as my hands gripped the steering wheel...

My feet yearned to feel my car burn through street.

And my heart full of the darkest evil passion, burned at the site of people in their vehicles.

I want to be home.

Im to cruel for the world.

I want to hide and keep my anger inside.

But the closer I get to home the more courageous my rage is.

I want to be home, and I want to forget the world.

I want to breath, without profanity fighting its way out of my mouth....

And I want to confine myself to my room and burn there till calm has found my heart.

Ill take off my shoes and take deep breaths and in an hour or so, I shall be me again.

You know, your not always right?

There's a chance that you don't know everything...

Your human, and it's distasteful for you to act otherwise.

I don't mind being wrong, but I mind your rudeness and your denial of the possibility of you being wrong.

I mind your arrogance and the tone you use.

I mind the ******* you become and the fight you want.

I mind even when you apologize for the argument and your explanation for you being wrong...

I'm human...

I can be wrong...

But there's a possibility I can be correct.

Or am I just so beneath you, that it doesn't matter?

Don't complain that we lack comunication.

Don't get ****** when I ignore you.

Sometimes I just want to be your equal.

Sometimes I refuse to listen to that displeasing tone.

There's a possibility that I'm wrong, but there's a bigger possibility that your just a ****.

When ears refuse the sound of a loved ones words, the world cries out in despair

When we have lost the compassion to listen from those we hold close...
We find ourselves more alone than when were actually alone

Tongue twister of depression and selfishness....

We are more alone with our loved ones, than we are when were actually alone.....

More...

Alone...

Until people learn to listen...

Till people learn to listen with thier hearts...

And until then we are all strangers

Loved ones...

We are strangers...

And alone...

Remember when your ready to care, use your heart and not your gavel

I am ready to not just hear

I am ready to actually listen and just plain be there

When it comes it's like the wind, sometimes slow and calm
Other times with violent force giving no warning

My anger radiates like that inside out of my physical and mental self

You think, you the receiver of my non discriminating anger bares you the cross... the sting of agony ...

But I wear the suffering torment of my own unwelcomed affliction

I am enraged like the heat of red the founder of chilled hearts
My mind bends and bends with pain and misery that reaches the depth of me...

That part of me, even I can't see

I feel the wrath like ****** for fun
Like the monsters that breath only to see blood

I conquer this vacant passion, which I have not the strength to duel

Beelzebub sits satified, nodding and smirking as my thoughts and words curse

He's content with my blood that boils as he commands

He waits for the person who will release what his soulless soul demands

There's moments I feel my every vain full of fire, begging me to surrender and give in to Lucifer's desire

But.....

My HEART...

It still beats and the only part of me untouched by darkness, provides me the vision of what makes me human

It grants you....
Me...
Mercy

It allows me a breath

As I become some what the me that I recognize...

I am torn

What was that rush

How did I realize me

I'll sink deep into my bed

Inside my dark dark room and like a vampire I keep hidden...
Not from the light, but from you, so the furies won't be tempted to use me like the instrument which beckons your cry at my whip

I shall be me alone stable...

Alone

Harmless...

Alone

Protector of you...

Protector of me...

Alone

Away from the feelings that suffocate my heart and blind my mind

Away so I am me, sweet and loving, endlessly giving

Alone...

So I am not ALONE...

Hey Mr. I used to say
Hows your morning
hows your day 

Your my wisdom my teacher my caregiver

When I need you, you said you'd be there
 
I did my best as a kid to give you attention and appreciation for the simple life I lived

Presents and notes to show I cared
 
Thank you cards of admiration and words of ill always be there

I was a kid, it was pretty much all I could give
 
Mr. you said one afternoon were going out to dinner when I get home
then I remember how you bailed
That’s ok Mr. I know your busy  
You would say then Mr., maybe tomorrow if time permits me
 
I remember Mr. a few times you said get ready in a while we will go shopping… 

But we never did 
Maybe tomorrow Mr. said  

I know now its better not to hold my breath 

Help me pick up this house Mr. said 

But I am tired and on my way to bed…
 
Ill do it tomorrow I promise 

To that Mr. replied tomorrow never comes
 
And he went on to explaine, tomorrow there will be tomorrow… And another one…
 
Out in the world now 
No longer a girl...
 
Hey Mr. I  hate to ask… 
But I need your help and I need it fast 
The bills are do, my checks on its way but I need to pay my bills today 

I know tomorrow my check will arrive I can pay you first thing in the morning
 
I remember you were fast to say I'd  help you.....

but you would learn nothing and then you would say...
 
you say you will pay me tomorrow…  
but I know better if you need money now tomorrow you will be no better off

Sorry Mr. your probably right…  
I'll be ok its just one day and one night...

you were strict all my life, but you taught me well to never count on anyone…
never…
not ever in my life will I be optimistic

I'll never be anything, but protected and shelterd

forever never free all my days...

when I was a kid...

I remember it all to well

you gave me what I needed… 
and nothing els 
no memories of fun
no memories of any extra attention...

sometimes I feel you as cold as ice  
Mr. I remember I'd  often look at you twice
 
You never smiled you were always in a rush
 
I was a child and in the way… 
Way to much... 

Mr. I wish I learned your lesson sooner
that you were a promise maker...  
and most importantly a promise breaker
 
I know you may have not meant it,
but finaly…
I finaly learned your lesson, Tomorrow never never comes
 
And Mr. when you say Ill be there for you tomorrow…
 
I know now tomorrow never comes 

Still Mr.
I love you today… 
I love you forever,
but never tomorrow.. 
Never ever
 
Ill continue to wait though for you to come around to all the love I gave

All my love you never found 

Ill wait today…  
I'll wait forever 
Ill even wait for you tomorrow again  
even though I know tomorrow will never end……

I write with honesty and drape it with emotion.

I wash my words with tears and dry them in anger.

I never read my words out loud, my tongue has no taste for them.

I don't notice anyone sees my writes as I notice nobody feels them.

I tap my words on to a screen as I watch my tv.

I write my words just with me and expect nobody.

Words scrape raw into my mind, on to the screen.

They reap my pain in the most simplest way.

It's not very beautiful, not like my hello poetry friends, but it's just like me no time for etiquette.

The words stumble from my mind, much like someone who has lost thier way.

And my heart reads into every line, even when I say I bare none.

Be it rushed, sloppy and brazen...

My words always always find their way onto my hello poetry page.

I get lost in all of my fellow writers, writes.

But it's no surprise, because that's how it is in my everyday life.

I'm lost and I'm found, alot down and almost never sound.

I write how I live.

I write only what I live...

My echoes are all I have to give to my hello poetry friends.

I thought I'd write about something sweet.

And so my mind is full of you.

Your caring, smart and beautiful to...

You make me smile.

You make me proud.

You make me feel as if I were floating on a cloud.

There's nothing more wonderful or better then you...

You hung the moon and made the sky blue...

My hugs and kisses are all for you.

I can't do you justice rhyme or not...

All that I know is I love you more than alot.

I try to write of you and let you know exactly what I feel...

But when my mind is set to you, words get cluttered and wonderful lines fail to come threw.

Know that your my first breath in the morning, my last at night.

Your my best friend, all that's genuine, and good in life.

Your in my laughter, my tears to...

You own my heart and carry my soul to.

I know of love because of you...

And my life is full of memories, thanks to you.

Something sweet starts with you...

And so I thought I'd try again and write something new.

I realize that my words stay cheesy, and a dictionary can't save me.

But I don't care as long is your with me.

As I fade from your site

I slip slowly away from the light

It's so cold in this place

It screams silence so loud my thoughts are forced into a paranoid, irrational state

With time I'm hot with bitter anger
Frustrated, because your a stranger

I'm now that girl you called crazy
the very one you pushed away and isolated

I hate myself for playing your game

I hate you for bringing me so much pain

You sit so high on your thrown

Looking back...

I should have known

I'm a little crazy

I must admit

And it's not so cold now where I sit
All that hate and shame I felt...
Its all yours now...
And no one els

Nothing makes a darker heart
Than a heart that lives in false light.

A heart so sheltered from life's cruel embrace is much more fragile.

Unknown to the pain of loss of love, blinded by forced smiles, unknowingly bought friends and won attention.

Nothing darker than a heart so naive.

A heart as such is far more dangerous.

It's defense for the light is exactly the darkness it will seek.

Nothing can keep a heart in the light like the cold distance and shelter of the dark.

The world and it's splendid beauty is only wondrous because of the incredible depths of love and the eternal grief in loss.

Nothing more precious then a feeling so delicate.

Nothing more appreciated than something, somewhat lost.

Nothing more human then to welcome inevitable pain, when opening the doors to true love.

Rejecting such hurt will harden your heart
Allow It to feel.... 
Really feel and then cry.

For the dark of love follows with vast light.

War has begun no shots fired no blows draw blood

Instead words are exchanged

Her hearts broken
Her heart is broken

Have you heard the gossip

Friends now enemies...

Its come to this

Nobody knows how tight we were
But planted jealousy and whispers seem to push our end

Its what they planned...

I'll never be the same
You will never be the same

We broke one another's trust with belief of words never spoken

I sit here now
You sit there

We both speak battle words that scars us deep, and the pain that spills can't be cleaned

When we pass in the hall's it's cheesy and sad...

We both pause...

You look back,  and so do I
But you will never know for sure that it's an I'm sorry and neither will I

We clicked from the start, so open, so sweet
We both were smart
But that strength and stubbornness we valued in each other

Well that pride...

Its what broke us, because we are selfish

And you nor I did not know this

Its me or you who's right...

It's me

Both our heads held high

*******

**** this

Your just a .......

Another day gone to slow. A life replay, I wish I  didn't know.

The best of times are to few. To much of me putting up with you.

This rollercoaster is no fun. It gives me headaches. I'm so done.

The life the love its still there, but it takes two.....  

I know its been said many times before, I cried you lied, we dance again, but life's to short there's no understanding.

This dance is old and no fun.

Another day, gone to slow. Another day, we already know.

I'm a *****, because I'm honest.

You keep breaking promise's.

And you just expect me to not forget when you make your next one?

Am I Dumb?

Is it not obvious you would need to prove yourself before your trusted?

I don't think I'm the dumb one...

Again I get to hear how I have no income.

No income doesn't make me irrelevant.

Nor does it make me useless.

And your money can't buy my respect.

You can't pay me to shut up.

I know you will be sorry...

That's something you always are.

Me, I only wish I could ignore your *******...

But instead here we are.

I'm writing, cause I fucken hate that your such a fucken *******.

And I bet you regret not being with someone less confrontational, and more forgivable.

I can't say what my mind's thinking.

I know you don't believe it, but part of it ends with me leaving.

Nobody would think this argument is really about a drink...

But a promise of any size is a promise worth keeping to me.

I'm fucken crazy...

I'm out of my mind!

Cause I want you to mean what you say all the fucken time!

This feeling we created is dangerous.

If I were stronger, I'd deal with it better.

If you were thoughtful you'd understand my side.

I hate a liar.

And it makes me sick to my stomach.

I can't believe your such a fucken ****!

FUCKEN AUTO CORRECT TRYING TO MAKE YOU A DUCK INSTEAD!!!

If only everyone could appreciate all of our heroes

The ones who left home to protect home, not just the ones who fight here in our homeland in our streets

Love is protection and protection bitter sweet

I'm here not alone.
Happy in our home.

The lives around me smile and laugh. Plans for tomorrow plans for today. Plans for us all, but I'm so far away.

My heart smiles, and it's full of pride.
My family is beautiful, so perfect, so full of life. All of our futures shine so bright.

All is well. All is fine.
I get to have them, they are all mine.

I hold me together day after day and hope that this sometimes loneliness goes away.

I'm not alone and I'm beyond happy.
They are my life and they are all doing great.

I'm not alone. Its not possible when I'm home.

Let me just bring some light to blend with theirs. Let me bring them pride and plan some plans.

I'm not alone. I am blessed.
I'm not alone, but I am a mess.

I know my only fear would be not being able to watch over my loved ones.

I'd be scared that they might need me.

I'd be afraid they never knew how much they ment to me.

I'd be worried that they wouldn't get along, and regret it.

I'd be terrified that they would go separate ways.

I would feel guilty that I didn't show them how to be truly happy.

I'd know I lived my life for them, but I wouldn't regret it for a second.

I wouldn't want to leave them, but I wouldn't want to burden them.

When I die. I pray that I didn't leave before they were ready...

When I die...

Please know that loving and caring for you, was why I lived.

A new poem to express me.

A simple one written to feel free.

In my work I share my heart.
Hoping to reveal a work of art.
My canvas is my life, my paints my words.

Everything written lingers within.
Till I get a hold of a pen.

Emotions are the colors of my paint.

My fears, weakness and my sorrows.
My heart, my soul and dreams of tomorrow.

The words flow heavy.
My paint drips. I'm a messy painter.
I know it's true. Still I continue and follow through.

Here I am vulnerable with
with each word.

Setting myself up to be heard.

As I write I find myself.

As I write I'm someone els.

Who am I in my poems?

Who will I be?

How will I read?

I'm not sure.

I never am.
I just wait and start again.

Sharing my poems, pieces of me
with strangers and friends, I'm
an open book.

Sharing what's inside me honest to a fault.

Sharing me,
I may fall, but its my life and my call.

Good or bad, this is my release and most of time writing brings me peace.

He said they are sad. Far to gloomy.

The poems I write so negative and finger pointing.

He sees only pain and anger. He sees for him no future.

I'm broken. He broke me, that's what he reads.

But the emotions that haven't made it to paper, aren't because they don't exist.

They haven't made it, because I haven't found them yet.

Love is the the only thing worth living for. That's what I tell my kids.
The very best thing in the world, that's what I say.

So when my poems seem dark and lonely it's because my heart feels so strongly about love that I haven't a way to explain all the joy, pride, and fulfilment my loved ones bring.

He said it's mean, the poems I write and he thinks I can't see the light.

My heart is beyond happy my loved ones make it so, he doesn't realize that darkness, is just what flows.

I'll find the words, hopefully soon so he knows I love him & my family to.

So you have something to say...

But I didn't ask your opinion.
I'm weakened, but I am not conquered.

I know you hear my breaths deep and its possible you can even feel my heart race from where you stand.

It's true...

I'm wounded and my hearts banging on my chest.

I stand before you. My eyes are flooded with wet salt.

I'm am in need of a...

FRIEND.

I can use an extra pair of ears and I don't want to hold a microphone...

Even more so I would like you to put yours away.

I want nothing more then a drop of concern and arms full of optimistic friendship.

Listen to me cry and maybe even speak, because my hearts sad and I've got a lump in my throat.

Be for me what I am for you...

A Friend.

Let me let it pass and when I'm actually calm, let me go without pointing any fingers or smirking.

Please take no joy in my life interruption.

Feed me strength, with silence and love.

I'll come back later, maybe have resolved my problem. I may have a joyous story to share...

But I may come back and need your opinion...

If I do, please keep an open mind.

And understand I'm asking because I trust you.

Please be honest, but be kind and never ever throw my flaws in my face.

Remember like I do. We are imperfect as humans...

I see perfection in our imperfections.

Our Unique paths and spirited choices.

I see beauty in our differences, in our triumphs and even in our flawed life lessons.

I'll be here when you need a shoulder...

A friend...

So if I fall, if your my friend...

Thank you for being there for me.

And if I'm not...

Well go ahead and tell me to *******, because preying on someone when they are weak is low.

And like I said I'm human...

I am HUMAN, but  I will recover.

And all that energy you put into weak attempts to shatter the jilted....

Well that **** will not be forgotten.

And I will stand tall with the grace of your friendship or despite your cruel intentetions to take advantage of the fragile ache I bore.

My writing sometimes feels lacking in taste...

I feel as if I reach less of you, because I have no grace.

I contemplate using my vast vocabulary, but words are scattered.

In moment's of frustration, they don't even belong...

Humidity, creates a hot sticky day.

Like a dirt devil tornados destruction and hate, Lot's of hate.

My feelings are these...

My life, and air thickened by debris.

Discover the beauty in my flaw.

Caress my lips in my most magnificent finest rage.

Beelzebub...

Lucifer my Brother!

Send me your serpents tongue, so I can impress and astonish everyone.

Allow my peers to feel my fear.

To frolic about my consistency.

My endearing, malevolent mouth exhausted with praise to hostility.

Surrender me the potency to mesmerize, to satisfy all who read.

For I regret I succeed in resonating ignorance.

Please realize the beautiful despair I'm in.

The agony, and all the sin I contemplate.

I'm often frolicking in my very own abyss, and I prefer to share the view with clarity.

My reality feels effortless, and absolutely simple.

Like a Neanderthal battering a rock, like cartoons, building blocks and punching walls.

I am lost.

I am lost...

Dare not believe the individual conflicted is nearly as basic as the mania wrath within.

I can be graceful and alluring with only my scribble.

I need not flaunt my physical being.

I can make all of this pandemonium harmoniously, sing.

I can come across to you as someone well taught.

But this Fucken Rage that Bipolar devises...

It originates from somewhere pretty **** crude...

Sweet sly words I can convey.

But sweetness and appearance isn't anything I care about, when I feel this way.

I'm raw and my writings is too.

So please continue this journey Down Rabbits Hole with me, because there's one thing I'm certain...

It's a hundred percent real.

It's on point, and exactly what I feel.

She hates me, because Im broken.

The picture she sees is distorted, and spot on point.

The fear in my eyes is only weakness and the rage in my veines is so hot she can feel it.

She knows me all to well and she hates me.

My bursts of drama makes her sick, and in her eyes I almost don't exist.

All my flaws and and even my good deeds, she thinks, wishing I wasn't me.

She sees my shadow in the halls, and my figure in my room.

Her heart's so warm, it could easily break.

Like my heart... Its her best trait and weakness.

She looks at me from the corner of her eye and feels disgust.

She hates me.

Im like the mirror in the lake, when its disturbed there's no view.

She sees my medication, and how it only sometimes works.

Now the fear she feels is for her alone.

My beauty, my shell, my insides like liquid....

She hates me.

She makes me strong and breaks me down, without trying.

She makes me sad and proud.

She fills my heart.

Through her my blood flows far to freely, and she denies me.

She is beautiful inside and out, but I may have broken her by being broken.

I live in fear, but pray all my strength has been passed to her.

She hates me and its ok.

I hate me.

It's times like this that I believe there's no such thing as love.
How can an emotion so wonderful be destined to be accompanied by emotions most tragic?
At one moment your heart is so full and sure...
Then at any other it's beauty is stolen, and your left lonely with only pain and tears.
What a cruel way to live...
With faith that your love is genuine.
You feel as powerful as this love is, that it can't be broken.
But the very person that makes such a miraculous feeling possible is your enemy.
Now something so fragile has become hardened and cold.
Revenge sits in your heart with those tears and rather then drown in them, it basks and laughs.
Maybe only I am cursed.
That would be fine, for something so special shouldn't be stolen from everyone.
Surely other's deserve this amazing comfort, undisturbed.
And not even my damaged heart would wish this trick on anyone.
But karma is my friend, even though revenge fights to be freed.
If only I could be as ugly person as he...
The public would be amazed at the treachery I'd blaze.
And the devil would smile with pride.
If only I were a little weaker...
I'd thank Satan for his very existence.
And I'd make myself home in hell as this so called lover is shattered as I have been shatterd.
If only I were weaker...
I'd be the perfect storm.
I'd shadow my every thought with evil and release such a rage.
It would be glorious and such a film it would make...
All of the viewers could watch him watch and run from his faith.
And they would shed tears, because they would feel his heart break, like my heart once broke...
Still I'd be such a monster with tremendous ways of destroying a heart...
No person could look away...
My pain would be art.
If only I were weaker...
If only it was true...
If only I never fell in love with you.
If only I were weaker...
The things I'd do, if only I could be lower then you...
If only love didn't exist, or at least if I knew nothing of it.

Why are my words cruel and unattractive?

Will I never write words of inspiration?

My words relfect me.

So why is it you don't think I'm ugly at the very least?

Shall I never shine?

Will my rhymes be anything more then awful times?

I seek a slick tongue which spread happiness and expresse love.

Nobody enjoys my rants.

They aren't written for that...

So whats the use of pain written on cue?

I'm but a waste, like my words and all the hate.

Will I ever rise from below?

Will I ever be able to let sweet words flow?

I don't know who I am any more.

With this creativity darkness is sure.

What comes with pure happiness is definitely unsure.

Bury this pen.

Bury me alive...

I'm not even worth this moment in time.

I'm corrupted by my past.

The only thing I have are words written with blood and a broken cast.

And depressing words vast.

And arranging hate in words vast.

Forever Lingering, smiling, and crying aloud.

Strengths, and Fears, sometimes  broken inside.

Screaming, reaching, it swallowed you whole.

Warm and cold, pure as nature it grows.

Eternal, free, and stolen from me.

The Windows of my soul darkened and fierce.

With no curtains the light shines in.

Taunting me always, with loves cruel jokes of loss full of agonizing pain and a touch of hope.

Happiness, passion, excitement uncontrolled.

Its all that's good..... my greatest  enemy.

It's the instrument that plays my life's song.

The words that Drain me.
The words that Make me.

All that is me, every part.
It's my whole life.
It's my heart.

Love so sweet, love so honest.
Love of my life...

You make my heart smile, you make my heart warm.

You make weak in the knees, and even laugh.

Butterflies, and starry skies, Sun sets, and beads of sweat. Hugs and kisses. nights never to long, mornings to soon. Long conversations.

Time flies with you...

Love letters, poems, roses, romance galore.

Love so passionate, love so kind, Love of body and mind.

Spooning, swooning, and all that stuff. Our naked bodies, so much lust.

Petty arguments, *******, cursing lots of pride.

Jealousy and ignorance all collide.

Love my friend.
Love my enemy.

My love, my lover in love with you now and forever.

A lie...

As white or as small as it might be...

A lie is all that puts emptiness between you and I.

Words...

No matter how few they may have been...

Are the things that stab at me.

Sorry...

A word rarely needed, always unwanted...

No matter how sweet your apology might be.

Understanding, so precious to me...

If only you took the time to see what your lack of empathy does to me.

Devoted...

It's what I am to you...

Blind...

Is what you are when it comes to me.

Simple...

Are our problems.

FAITH is what I have in us, but FEAR that I'm a FOOL is the end of US.
LOVE is our HOPE and FRIENDSHIP is what binds us.

Had I known

I had would of wrote her more letters and many poems

I would have used our time wisely,
And hugged her much more tightly

I would have forced her to take a deep breath

To truly relax and admire all the beauty she inspired

Had I known I'd let the rivers of love, appreciation, respect, and pride flow....

And flow....

Had I known.....

I would have never let her go.....

Please let me sleep tonight.
Let me rest before the light.

My heart stopped as I gasped for air

At first silence...

Followed by an uncontrolled cry

It must have been torcher for thoughs who heard the cry

They know to...

That there's nothing anyone can do

Rip out my heart, please

I can't take the pain inside of me

What should I do when there's nothing I can do

I'll hold it in, so I can think

I know there has to be something.....

There's has to be

I prayed like I do every day, but today when I prayed...

I prayed questioning God...

I prayed asking why, instead of being greatful
I prayed for strength for many but most for her

This poem speaks of my pain

And without words my deepest fear

But this poems not mine

Because I could never love,
or cry out for me
like I did for her

As I write I hold myself from from weeping

I write with a lump in my throat and a pain stricken heart
A mask of strength on my face and so many words inside

Help me...
help her please...

And as I write I still can't believe...

And as I write I'm strong
I hold back most of my tears...

and put an end to this poem...

You read my poems. You think you know.
I spill my words on to paper my whole heart and my anger.

You Read my poems and think you know.
I'm broken, emotional and my own failure.

You read my poems and my fears are clear.
You read my poems my hearts with them.

You read my poems. My relationship is so over.

You read my poems. I'm in love.

You read my poems.....
Its obvious I wept.

You read my poems, I'm far from home.
You read my poems, I'm all alone.

Your Reading my poems, I must be bipolar.
Your reading my poems, but they are far from over.

I'm this, I'm that of that your sure.
Your reading my poems, but there will be more....

I enjoy nothing.

I fear nothing.

And I hate no one.

I enjoy nothing, except watching you in your smile.

I fear nothing, except everything that might put you in danger.

I hate no one, except the one's who have brought you sorrow.

I'm nobody, without you...

You make me smile.

You make me cry.

You give me life by simply being alive.

Without you I don't exist.

Without you there's never been a breath.

Call me your shadow.

Call me your friend.

I'll know no other happiness except you till the end.