Last night I had a nightmare.
I was back in that home.
I was afraid to leave.
All I wanted to do was signal my kids to go to the car...
But they were so small.
I swore they could feel my fear.
The danger in the home, but I must have been wrong.
Since they are ok, it's best they were spared the trauma.
These nightmares are mine.
Nobody knows the extent of damage I've been inflicted.
No one knows how many time's my body had been taken from me as I weeped.
No one knows how many time's I've been cornered, and silenced.
No one knows how many times I tried to escape.
Nobody knows, not even me.
Now it's just a nightmare that wakes me with my heart beating, my body sweating, and tears falling.
Now I turn the tv on and try to change my thoughts.
I'm no longer his victim, or the man before him.
I don't have to worry about my body being taken or abused by angry hands.
I don't fear for my life, or the life of my children.
But now, I'm harder to know.
I'm harder to love.
Now I am strong...
And I'm left with thoughts and reactions of a woman who has survived.
The ptsd wasn't only from him.
But this nightmare was a gift he left behind.
I'm so fortunate to not just be living a better life with a better man, but because sometimes I get to be completely free...
Sometimes I get to forget my whole past.
I can't believe how strong the abuse holds on to me.
My heart pounds still.
Tears fall as I write.
And I know I don't need to be, because he's in my past...
But I'm afraid as if I have only been free a day.
These nightmares are as sneaky and powerful as he used to be.
But they are only nightmares.
And he holds no power over me...

When they fall and you can't catch them
You fall much harder
But they will never know

You get the tears and throbbing in your chest
lumps in your throat
and become even more helpless then they feel

Watching because it's not your place
or your simply allowing them to grow

Watching them watch you watch

Taking in their anger and frustration of the fall

You try not to enable them preparing them for life

They want and need indepence, but its a journey
made for one

Hopefully they will forgive and understand what must be done


To love is pain
To learn is pain

And so we choose our battles

And we pray were right

We do this so that one day
they can bring themselves  the same pride they bring us

And we watch them fall, because we know they will get up

We watch them fall because we must.....

If only they knew how hard it is to watch........

There's no calm to this storm.

Not unless being numb is calm.

I lay with a shield, numb while the storm debris dance about me.

There's no fear, for I've got nothing to lose.

The storm is as common as my unsteady breath.

But I'm numb, lost inside my surrender.

It's in my abandoned hope, where I find calm to the storm.

I know not if this is my armor for battle, or my white flag and shovel.

I'm not well...

I know this.

I took these meds because I want to be better for them.

But I'm so ******* up that my pain lingers and clings on to thier lives.

I'm broken and I know its my past that pushed me into this life.

I took these meds daily in attempt to be less miserable for them.

Because my illness is not contagious, but taintable.

I want everyone to be free from what I feel.

I care so much about how they feel.

But these meds make me fat, and the bipolar in me can't a hundred percent be held back...

I inconvenience everyone with my sorrow and rage when I peek into thier world.

It makes me feel guilty and worthless.

I want to be what they want, to smile and laugh everyday.

Or just loose my mind and not care about anything.

Being social and anyone but me is what I'm supposed to be, but Im cursed with my life in my bedroom and failing my family.

I don't write to get anyone to understand.

I think I write this because, it's all that I am.

I'm sorry for the people who read these words and can relate...

Because your either stuck like me or have actually found your way.

I'm still gone as I breath and sit, and I hate myself beacause of the space I waste.

Just today I flushed my meds away.

Nobody should care, because I've never gotten better.

I've never been well enough for them.

Maybe I'll shed some pounds, but who cares because I'll be in my bed.

Maybe the difference in me med free will help someone see.

Even if it's just me.

I'm a *****, because I'm honest.

You keep breaking promise's.

And you just expect me to not forget when you make your next one?

Am I Dumb?

Is it not obvious you would need to prove yourself before your trusted?

I don't think I'm the dumb one...

Again I get to hear how I have no income.

No income doesn't make me irrelevant.

Nor does it make me useless.

And your money can't buy my respect.

You can't pay me to shut up.

I know you will be sorry...

That's something you always are.

Me, I only wish I could ignore your *******...

But instead here we are.

I'm writing, cause I fucken hate that your such a fucken *******.

And I bet you regret not being with someone less confrontational, and more forgivable.

I can't say what my mind's thinking.

I know you don't believe it, but part of it ends with me leaving.

Nobody would think this argument is really about a drink...

But a promise of any size is a promise worth keeping to me.

I'm fucken crazy...

I'm out of my mind!

Cause I want you to mean what you say all the fucken time!

This feeling we created is dangerous.

If I were stronger, I'd deal with it better.

If you were thoughtful you'd understand my side.

I hate a liar.

And it makes me sick to my stomach.

I can't believe your such a fucken ****!

FUCKEN AUTO CORRECT TRYING TO MAKE YOU A DUCK INSTEAD!!!

Who gives a **** if I can't breath...

Nobody cares, because they aren't me.

**** my pain and sorrow.

I'll live...

I'll still be here tomorrow.

Why do I continue to be?

I'm hollow this minute...

I'm the ugly me.

But it's me not you who feels like ****, and it's for no reason...

Even I don't want to deal with it.

**** this moment, maybe the next too.

Don't tell me to control this, cause I'm NOT YOU.

I have issue's.

I try to be strong...

On this earth, at this time...

I simply don't belong.

Blah blah blah...

Leave me alone.

Who gives a **** if I feel all alone.

Follow me through the shadows and the pain

Beyond my acid tears and my hearts deepest fears

Follow me past my endless weeping rage
Above my fog of wasted hope

Lay with me in the dark pits of my heart
l and drown beside me in my hurt

Journey with me and know my shame

And when it's over awake with my secrets and breath relief

Remember it always...
and be thankful you get to leave

An argument.
Another one always over something dumb.

When will we learn to choose or battles?
When will we learn to hold our tongues?

What happens when nobody learns?

Will this bickering end us?

Or is this dumb mess, just our game?

I'm not sure how old this can get....

All I know is it's not over yet.

She added beauty to my life.

From the second she was realized.

It was then plain to see an incredible life was meant for me.

She filled the holes in my heart and gives all my days a fresh new start.

She grows and changes everyday.

I see her then.

I see her now.

I could never be more proud.

I'm uncertain of her future.

I only know it's important, and nothings off limits.

She's precious inside and out.

Heart so warm, her smile with endless height.

She's flawless with her imperfections.

She's perfect with her flaws.

She's my past and my future.

The love of my life, and one of my favorite wishes.

She's is flawless.

She is all.

She is my daughter, and I'm her proud mom.

Cold as ice

I should have known

You turn on your emotions like a light switch

Ever so safe

How I wish you could feel my sadness right now

Cuz it will be nothing compared to the loss you will feel when I walk out

But you think I'm crazy & dumb

And you believe I'll get over everything

Maybe I might...

But, maybe today, maybe tomorrow

I'll leave this place and let go of my sorrow

I know you believe that this game will last forever

But I'm not dumb like you think....

I just love you

I might cry, but freedom will give me happiness

you will be the one to realize you shouldn't have taken my love for granted

I might be older
I might be bigger
But I'm still a prize
And I'm still beautiful

I might be hurt right now

But your hurt won't start till I leave 

I might be hurt right now, but your hurt won't start till I can breath

Wasted air, time and space

Unused energy lingering in sadness

There's no need, no purpose

I've tried to help, but its so true...

I'm lost myself

I don't feel my existence is anything that's important any more

I did all that was great and made all that is beautiful

I've impacted all who I ever will impact

Now my minds an inconviece

It's rain and dust in your face

I'm annoying and you dodge me ...

Its not fair

Its not fair to you, you can be happy

But I'm in they way...

This is not sad

This is just true

Why should I bring you down, when you can be happy and comfortable to

The thoughts near I get so worked up
It's more then a thought

I want to be here,  but I think it was ok if I'm not

I write now, without ink.

I write without gripping any tool in my dominate right hand.

My finger points and taps a screen and is made so that I make no mistakes.

But I am human and I'll find mistakes here.

And I'll write without writing, and share all of me without your phyisical view of me.

You will view me inside, but not out.

Shall I be beautiful using the tool that I grip now with my left hand, as my right pointer, points and taps?

If I use a pen, you will view me messy and sensitive.

For my penmanship is horrid and my tears fall plenty.

I write now.

I use no ink.

I write now, hiding just a little of the pysical me.

I long for the days that my hand touched paper and the liquid salt gave my pages character.

Back when each written word lumped my thought and every tear ripped my heart twice as hard as this tapping.

But I shall write without paper and I'll use ink again, when I am braver.

A poem of words unknown or simply forgotten for a life so harshly or wonderfully lived.

Break out your dictionary, because lives we live are far more extravagant then words most hold within.

You can spill spill all of your words.

You can shout shout your hurt.

You can cry cry your heart out.

You can beat beat your anger pillow.

You can rip rip your hair.

But if they don't give a ****....

You must must realize that they will never never care.

It's soft and gloomy today.

With a slight breeze and painted clouds.

The sun peeks through and kisses the flowers.

I can sit and stare from my window for hours.

I'll wait for a mist that flirts with the earth.

I'll watch and I'll wait.

It's the perfect day to put my thoughts to hopes.

It's so perfect that I wait for our the dirt to soak.

Yes it's perfect, but I still want more.

I would love to smell the rain and pavement while the sky pours.

It's a few steps above the perfect day today.

It's hope for a day that's more, much more than today.

And so I'll watch and I'll wait.

And I'll watch and wait.

I was crowned, made popular, by the friends that found me.
Every girl was sincerely friendly.....

The jealousy a secret ever girl kept.
Competition fierce, and Manipulating.

Now friends were enemies.

Whispers of lies beckoned my fall.

Still innocent my friends knew.

From thier lips gossip grew.

They took my values and the truth, like magicians who I was, disapeard.

As a teen I began to break, little games and silly names.

My so called friends tried to create my prison.
In self defense a new me had risen.
Like a vampire my heart grew cold, my words cruel and beyond bold.

I held my crown, to win the fight....
I held my crown and cried at night.

They didn't break me, I survived and rose up high.

The crown they bestowed wasn't a prize.

Shallowness sent them my way....

I didn't understand they saw me as clay.

Inside I stayed me all along

Just a little more aware and much more strong.

Just a little less me and a lot more wrong....

Just a little less....

and a lot more......

With all this mess that we made
I'm not sure if there's anything left to save

As we try not to sink
I believe it's our struggling for air that drags us beneath

Proving were right or wrong
the question of faith

I'm afraid it's pushing us closer to hate

Will we survive

Will love conquer all

Will we ever agree and be happy
Or will we continue to fall

I remember falling when I found you
I never knew we might part or that I'd fall when losing you

Take this heart and save me the time

Let me know the future

Will he still be mine

Let me cry now
I'll flood the world

Then I'll be okay,
me, free
and a happy girl


If the future holds you in it
Let us get past this

Let us see, hear, love, forgive

Let us be us
not you or just me

Let us be honest and free of secrets

Just let the us part simply be

Let us not be blind
and let us not take our love for granted
If were meant to be let us simple be forever together happy

In the midst of all my happiness and all that makes me proud

The window of life is wide open....
Without curtains I can't help, but notice the sad, lonely, heart broken lives outside.

The ugly world keeps my world small.
The less I let in....

The less I see.

The less I hurt....

But the Windows open and there are no curtains.....

And my heart is open and broken.

I'm am but one person. I do my part, but it's never enough and then there's thoughs who are dealing with loss....
As I myself deal with loss.

There's no remedy only an attempt to comfort and hope for relief.

My window and heart wide open....

Am I also spreading sorrow....

Lost in time what should have been the best years in a childs life.

Stolen innocence and damaged minds.

Filthy secrets and shame live where I feared.

My childhood not fit for an adult.

No childhood for me, my mind became old and weak on the horrible days of which I don't speak.

Just me slightly taller and a bit aged.

I've been this me since my innocence was stolen away.

I have no one to talk to.
I have no one who knows.
I don't feel sorry for myself, but I need strength.
I fear the future,  because of the past.
And I embrace the future, because I know it brings this moment to the past.
What a disgusting person I must be, because broken never looked good on anyone and pathetic is how it reads on me.
So stupid to have not realized I was in a game.
I was caught off guard and its not about losing...
Just the fact that I didn't want to play.
It's amazing the things I didn't see.
It's ridiculous, what I thought I saw.
Now there's a path before me.
I need only to prepare for the trip.
With a lump in my throat and tears in my eyes I need to accept that this is good bye.
Friendship is forever in some ways, but lies taint it and sometimes there's nothing to save.
All this time, I've been alone.
I don't understand what makes it so hard to make it final.
Me being me and you being you is what I thought made us, us...
But I guess to much of anything is way to much.
And our special friendship was fun when I thought it was real.
I feel hate in my heart, but the sadness consumes it.
And my heart stings.
It's the only way that I know this is real.
I dare not be bitter.
I dare not be conquered.
But nauseous and shatterd is what I can't deny.
So I'll talk to myself not knowing if it will do any good.
Myself is all I have at the end so I might as well get used to it.
I wonder what kind of friend I'll make myself...
Will I be honest like the real me or will I try to convince myself that this is nothing?
I can already see that I'm the greatest friend a person can have, always honest, always there...
But this great friend thing...
I don't think it applies to me.

Let's get through this hard time.
I'll be completely yours & you completely mine.
Lets learn from our mistakes, sacrifice pride, whatever it takes.

Lets breath, Lets laugh again be friends again.

Lets love with unselfish thoughts & make memories that will never be forgot.

We have investment with our past, now all we need is effort to help us last.
Lets not give up, let's try. Let us not let time pass us by.

We know we love one another we know we care. Let us have a future we both share.

Lets do this, you and I. Let's vow to give each other resect ,love and passion that will never die.

I love you baby, you love me to. Let's get our **** together and follow through.

If you want this like I do, our love will guide us, mend us to.

Day & night. The games you play. Taking advantage, knowing I'll stay.

Your sweet and warm, till your bored, and now your cold. You get rude, so very bold. I tell myself it's so old.
Conversations get rushed, you have excuses for excuses and become defensive. You point your fingers you think I'm distracted. Telling me how I over reacted.

My instinct has spoken time and time again. With the your silence, instinct is my friend.

I tell myself it's only a matter of time when I control the light, when I say it's night.

I'm sweet. I'm in love, but I'm not blind. I see you baby.

You see me small, blind, and so sweet. You see me, so you think.

Love is blind so they say, but that was me yesterday.

Now I sit and I wait.

Soon I'll say when, and it will be so. I'll be a new me, the one you don't know. I'll be the one you made with dishonesty.

I'll bide my time. I'll be prepared.
I may be broken even shattered, but you see what you want to see and I'm not me.
You see what you want to see and I'm not me.....

A slight grin.... her sacred smile overwhelmed with spiteful sin.

Tread lightly friend for her smile of seduction resembles that very grin.

You want her Heart, but it's not hers. Its been ripped out only shadowing her.

She's wears Broken very well. Pretending that she's yours till she knows you've fell.

She leaves many of victims in her path.

Smiling now with victory... She will never be had.

You get a glimpse of her secret grin, but your hoping to be the one she let's in.

Broken and dangerous she may be.
You see beauty & possibility.

A prize above all to be won.

A love you hope has already begun.

Tread ever so lightly She is broken.
Tread ever so lightly and remember the words spoken.

How can anyone hear me
When I can't hear myself
When I don't want to hear myself

Will I be lost forever
Will I ever find comfort in myself

It's not so tragic.... I have some descent moments.
But times like this....
My heart weeps of  loneliness.

It seems sometimes hopeless
It seems a waste.....
But once in a while I get a glimpse and my emptiness subsides.

I don't love my pain. It's a very heavy cross to bear.
It's my familiar place.... It feels safe.

You can't be broken while invisible.

I can't be anything.... Not even me.

As safe as I feel.... I'm so lost.

I'm lonely  watching the world pass by.

Is this what should be , cause with all this pain......
I can still see beauty in the world.

Let me smile a bit more.
Let life open some happy doors.
Let me share the love inside and accept The love outside.

Right now I matter not, but perhaps some day soon I will.
And hopefully I can be a better me that smiles to.

Why was I gifted with intelligence if it won't allow me to fix or make sense of our shattered lives

I feel ignorant to everything as memories and thoughts embrace and drown my mind

I gasp for air and fight to sort them, but they come in so fast and strong...

I can barely keep my head above this harsh tide

Life you curse me

Then you punish by taunting me with the slightest hope
of an answer

Like the moon I can see...

Still ever so far as to touch or explore, as it passes when it fades with day

My mind is there just as the moon, but it's only use is to  help me survive
barely giving me enough strength and hope to linger

If I can't use my wisdom to help me, help her....

Take my mind

Make me dumb

Make me numb

Just don't leave me helpless

Give me something to give her

Or give all of my strength... every ounce of wisdom,
all that makes my heart beat, and smile

Give it to her
leave me none
Make her mend make her whole
Or simply make it not so....

Who knows the outcome of loves battles. For the moment it's the end of the world. It's pain, fear, anger and sadness.
For the moment it's love gone wrong.
But tomorrow may be magical and wonderful.
I'm praying this will pass and my heart will be mended soon.
But for this moment, I'm heart broken.

Creative, cluttered mind that's me.

A life living, not as one should lead.

Breaking, still surviving in my head.

Hummid air of anguish grips my throat.

Dragging me through every bittersweet day and every single long exhausting night.

Anxious torment and lack of sleep from insomnia,  and ptsd.

Rage ridden bipolar and depression radiate through out me.

But I'm here it's a wonder when suicide is peeking in and flirting with me.

I feel eye's all about me, watching, lingering in safe distance.

Careful word's and rushed conversation is how I am accepted.

Frustrated and alone is the equivalent.

I've been deceived and annoyed.

You think you are entitled to an ounce of respect, because you own a piece of my heart.

Darling, it doesn't work that way.

Respect is earned.

I will not allow my heart to think for my mind and confuse love with with excuses.

I won't say that your not in my heart or on my mind...

But your position couldn't be closer to a waste of my sweet time.

No matter how white or transparent you think your lie is...

It's mere existence without coming clean makes you irrelevant to my trust.

My *** is big, but my hearts bigger.

Yeah, I know I'm a moody *****...

Say it and don't hide your ****...

Cause, baby your an ******* and your sense of humor has gotten distasteful...

Your crooked smile, is still beautiful and your eyes are still a two shades of my kind of romantic.

Your scars are still **** and you are still the only man that gives me that high.

You still have my heart...

But don't mistake my love for weakness.

Before I fell for your flaws, we were just friends, and we shared with complete honesty.

We weren't perfect, but we were real and that's the kind of love that I want to feel.

You have my heart, but your entitled to ****.

You have my heart, but trust and respect is earned and kept up with.

The romance can die down and rise again, but without honesty I'm water to It's flames.

Without honesty I'm entitled to freedom and companionship that's honest and real.

I'm entitled to all of this, with or without You.

Furious tides, black black skies

Water chilled, like my heart

Waves fierce begging demise

Hollowed soul, beckons my blood.

Fire tears guiding my hate and your deepest fear...


Curse you resentment

Shower me with faith

Relieve this demanding desire to bludgeon spirit and hope of the one who keeps me living

Fail me not heart so fueled

Let me surrender this which makes me merciful or set this evil in the stone, so I can transform

Let me be kind or let malevolence reign

Dominance sway no more

Rivers wrath o' sin, utilize my entire being

Or strike my heart with life, and rid this vengeance so pure

Bring the rays so warm with it's beauty so sweet and incandescent all that is right

Or swallow me whole, and blacken my eyes so all who encounter me have time to flee

Let them destroy me with true affection...

overwhelm me with good intentions

Or shatter every shred of my beauty...

Contort me to my selfish form of desire for pain, drenched in the fear that I bestow

Hummid, disgust, gasping dirt darkened night

O' sun obliging comfort O' generous warmth...

Bless me calm winds.

Take in the light and rid me of sin

Save me...

Condem me...

Do as you will...

Just do it quickly and leave me fulfilled

You want to watch me fall....

But your to late

My knees are scraped and from down here

I can only see one way to go

My knees are raw

So I guess it's time for me to get up...

I think I write with hate.

There's no sunshine, or flowering fields when I'm create using words.

I'm nobody and you are all.

Still nothing moves me from my four walls.

There's no haven, all is doomed.

This moment and the next will be over to soon.

So when I write, my words are bold.

They curse and rhyme, but there's no a good time to read my gripe.

For my writes bear no light, no blue skies, no starry night's.

I must feel that awful hate in order to be talented...

In order to create.

In order to write.

Curse end.
And let me sleep before night descends.

I was saved years ago

Saved from the drugs and crime I was so close to finding

All the abuse and sorrow I lived was now fading slowly, as he grew like a seed inside this teen kid

All the hopelessness slipped away

I had a reason to behave

Forced to grow up far to early

Today I'm exactly who I was meant to be

I'm a mom...

A few times over

But he's my first experience with pride...

The very first true joy in my life

People say I was brave to raise a child

Truth is he gave me purpose

He gave me life

All of the pain I almost drowned in, almost gave in to...

All the me that was left,
he found and saved me to

And he did this from simply existing in my whom

That little boy gave me the will to learn from my lifetime movie past

My angel, my heart, the first boy to steal my heart

The night you were born it rained so hard

It washed away any chance of being consumed by the dark

Loves the best thing in the world and you are my proof

Heart you babe......

I love you

Cross your fingers
Knock on wood

It's not so....

This is not real

Say your prayers and accept this test

Brace yourself and try your best

Life's to hard much to cruel

But then you think of the time she spent with you

All this is much to much
But all thoughs memories...

The ones you miss are the reason you loved to live

She may be gone from this world but she watching with her heart and won't allow to see you hurt

Look around she's not here...

But there are others whom you love and they are near

Smile for her enjoy life for them
Find happiness for yourself and let life begin

She's not far
She's within
She's your new strength and
Your secret friend

Let her smile watching you laugh

And embrace your life and her soul in the sky

maybe is a powerful word
full of hope and disappointment at the very same time.

And it sweeps over me like a charmed dimmed veil.
Providing me shade and stealing my breeze.
Keeping me fresh in my misery.
Prolonging my grief.
Hiding my tears and my wicked smirk.
I am the bride of my own shadow, loneliness.
My reception, the demons that haunt me.
My cake the lump in my throat.
Open bar of my tears.
And I'll make my speech honoring my weakness as my best friend.
I'm a bride and failure is my groom.
What a couple we make, all of darkness will rave.
For I am sad and angry.
Me and my groom shall create such destruction in our wake.
I will make it rain, thunder and quake.
With my groom as long as he stays.

Broken isn't attractive.

That's how I know I'm ugly.

Maybe there's no fixing this.

You continue to be one of the guy's like everything's fine.

Maybe this is what's right.

Maybe you and I are wrong together and we're holding eachother back.

I don't feel that love from you, and I don't see the affectionate looks...

Could this be this be it for us?

Will it be unbearable?

Or will we be better off?

I'm as prepared as I can be, and there won't be a better time to hear that you don't love me that way any more.

I can't imagine us not being we, but I don't foresee an end to this bitterness.

I don't want to hate you, although I get so close.

I don't want you to hate me even though it may already be so...

I don't want to spread my wings, but I feel you might.

I can't see tomorrow without out you by my side, but it may be whats right.

Your my best friend, but maybe our loves not meant.

I've been told that I was the best thing for you, but maybe it doesn't mean we were meant to be together for life.

I dreamt of you and I as we.

It was just a dream.

Silence is the sound that bangs upon his lips.

No words, only unsteady breaths revealed by his heart filled chest.

His mind is hidden behind his tired eyes...

But his soul can feel and hear your voice and prayers from the other side.

His hearts warm, as its always been.

It's been his nature to just live life as if he only knew beauty, music, family and friends.

Such a fragile state he's in for this moment...

And with his life so humble you would have never expected his impact to be so great.

He prays now inside his head...
But he's so thoughtful, I'm sure it's not for him...

Silence bangs upon his lips...

But we shall wait and pray to hear his voice again.

She dresses and fixes herself in such a way
that might make him turn his head
Eyes lined black, lips *** red,
Passing him with her seductive scent and catches the eyes from all, but him

His heart she holds, but time passed slow
Safe with her love, he chips at her confidence

She reigns

She's loved, and passionately enjoyed

Her beauty obvious...

She never fades...

But in his world she's apart of him, as they are one, and so in love....

He forgets the thing that sparked thier start.

He was handsome, unique with two shades of brown eyes
**** she thought with his scars, and crooked smile
In his shoulders she saw as *** inspired art

She still watches him with passion in her eyes, and reminds him exactly why

She was beauty.....

She still is, but what he sees.....

She forgets.

The love, the passion it's still there, but the stroking  words he forgets

And his sweet stroking words

she forgets.....

I'm here, but I'm not

Consumed by my own demons and yours

Weakened by my past and afraid of my future

Forever dumb, useless

Digging my own grave using fear as my shovel, and love as my soil

I'm sure I'll have a beautiful funeral with lots of tears

Of course I won't notice till I'm there

With life's struggles I still loved and caring came effortless

It's myself I can't figure out

Pride for myself is honestly pride for others...

I know my value is somewhere in my mind, but fear and failure are far to strong

I'm ok

I live for the love I give

As long as they know thier loved and safe

I'm accomplished in the best way

God put me here to bask in love

My pain is the hurt of the world

The ones I protect myself from and pray for

Loved ones, your ever so close, but most of you are blind and until I die and you find my life's notes.....
You will never know

That's ok.
I'm ok.

I lived for your not your praise

Something has arrived.

It's bitter and angry, like a stranger cold and distant.

So deep, the depth is immeasurable.

So draining, that it's taking the warmth from my loving heart.

So painful, yet it's old and become apart of me.

Salt rain has flowed from my eye's, but now I must declare a drought.

I'll reap strength from this too.

No matter how it resolves or ends.

But NOW I am, useless.

I am sad, confused, and lonely.

I believe in god so I know there's a reason for this.

Or could it be as if feels?

That I am cursed and I shall live out this life knowing only other's joy?

Am I just to guide and care for other's?

I feel they are great, with wonderful future's.

I know they will do important, miraculous things.

I am proud.

But if I'm but a speck of them, meant only to insure their happiness and safety...

Shall I give up on my own personal fulfillment?

After all, my heart's joy is only them and their success.

Is this who I am?

And should that other love be halted, instead if mourned?

Is this pain for not, as it's not meant for me to have?

I'm saying I...

Does that mean there's more for me?

Am I just to weak for this and convincing myself to give up on love?

Or is this love *******, something that's plagued me?

Can it be that we simply just don't belong together?

Or are we're both just stubborn and are about to lose the best thing we ever had?

How this confuses and conflicts my mind, heart and soul.

The only thing I do know is that I am alone, empty, and becoming cold.

And I know that love hurts...

My aunt said your a good guy.

Your uncle said I was the best thing that happened to you.

Maybe they are both wrong.

Perhaps the are both right.

Either way it doesn't mean that we belong together.

Because this moment my eyes are swollen from tears.

This moment my heart is in need of numbing.

I can't see the future, because your cruel words have filled my mind.

I'm alone inside myself and confused of what brought this on.

Did someone call you and set your mood?

Did something happen in the few minutes you were away?

The you that you were, I seldom see.

But it has did something to me...

I feel like I missed something.

Before the names you called poured from you mouth...

Life was fine and I knew was happy.

This second I'm angry hurt and painfully sad.

So so confused about it all.

Broken, so broken, but strong despite it all.

Strong and confused...

Something evil took over you...

Why struggle to push yourself through a day,
for others .... Just to find that you were invisible anyway.

I'm plenty weak.

I've been, plenty strong.

I've failed a few of the tests, and passed far to many to remember.

Each time you show up to bless or test me, I rise for the occasion.

My faith is strong, but I just said but...

My prayers every meal, and night are the same.

I pray for Strength, for myself and other's that we see and follow your path selflessly, regardless of the journey.

I pray that other's be more blessed then I, for I am stronger than I am weak.

I pray to thank you for all that we have.

We are BLESSED still...

I'm just concerned, because I know doubting you is a sin.

And even though I have faith...

I am stressing trying to live one day at a time.

I believe, but I'm afraid.

Wow...

I'm BLESSED, more than many...

I just realized that I to am selfish...

There's nothing that will drain strength from a heart as a lack in faith.

There's nothing that can drain faith from a heart like monster disguised as a human to a child.

There's nothing I'm shocked to see, miracles included...

**** curves, addictive words.
Sweaty bodies,
Lust is born.

Life's continuously changing miraculously every day.

I'm still here, and they are with me.

The darkness is hazy, dimmed with light.

The sun's shining and all feels right.

Suicides just a crazy idea, I'm embarrassed I had.

Today is today.

A much, much better day than yesterday.

I'm still here.

I'm feeling far away from yesterday.

It's a beautiful world.

It's miraculous.

The sun's shining and it's not at all hot.

There's a breeze that seems to catch me, right before I fall.

It's a miracle I'm here and happy or even at all.

I live in the moment, because tomorrow is never far.

They say loss gets easier.... But years later my heart cries along with my eyes....