I let the sun and the moon rebirth me
And woke up in a forest
Naked and alone
Walking,
through the pillars of trees holding up the star speckled ceiling,
I knew
It was gone
It was all gone
The world that once inhabited this planet had vanished and disappeared

I adore the lightness of your eyelashes
How they are the moment before takeoff
I adore your laugh
How it bounces like a cluster of balloons flying away
I adore your hands
How they electrocute me with warmth
I adore your arms
How they are strong enough to never let go
I adore your eyes
How they aren’t just a window to your soul, but to the entire universe
I adore you
Like the moon loves the sun
I adore you
Of a consuming caliber
I adore you
Like the summer needs just a hint of rain
*I adore you
with
every single fiber
of my being.

I wish someone could take a flashlight
And illuminate
This void
So that maybe
I could see
That this
This isn’t a void at all
This is a storage unit

They say that time
Slips through your fingers
Like sand
But it’s not really true
Sand is much easier to hold on to

The grass is soft and green
But never green enough
Sitting by the fence
I am telling you
It is just
An optical
Illusion

These organs in my body have never seen the light of day
I want to set them free
It makes me sad
That they have never seen the sun
Never seen the stars
I want to set them free
I want to let them
See the sun

The sky is white
and flat
It’s like we are all living in an aquarium and they forgot
to turn the lights on
to turn the sky on
Our knowledge of how to breathe is slipping away
like the cloud that tripped and smeared they sky with buckets full
of one single shade of white

Waiting under the white sky
we stand wondering,
our breaths caught in our throats,
if they will turn on the sky
and let us remember
how to convert oxygen
into the carbon dioxide that is slowly destroying it
and us

There is a cloud of black smoke extending itself around me
Twisting its limbs around my neck
Choking me
Till whatever oxygen is
Is just a memory

I am banging on the walls
Loud, angry thuds echo around me
I am screaming for you to see me
But you tell me you can’t
You can’t see through the walls,
The walls you claim that I have built
My legs tremble as I fall
The skin on my knees curl around the gravel
And I wonder
As you walk away
Why can’t you see me through these glass walls?

Every day I live a thousand lives that aren’t mine
Stuck on the inside of fiction
I never feel the wind
Caught in a cage made of fear
Made from the thousand dreams I keep dreaming
A thousand lives that I have lived
My mind is shackles
My mind is wings

I will take the knife you put in my back when I wasn’t looking
And push it through my flesh till it graces my heart
And nicks it just enough for the pain to come flooding out
Then I’ll paint you a portrait
Red with pain
And wrap it up with a bow on top
Because I would never forget your birthday
Or to congratulate you
As you grow one step closer to death
Because that is something that's actually worth celebrating

The sun is shining
Filling me up
I am a vial
I take it in
I let it make me beautiful
I let it light my eyes up
And transform them into shining moons
I let the sunshine make me beautiful
I let it make me into a beaming vial of light
In hope that it will
Brighten
The world

You left me broken on the floor
Pieces spread everywhere
Hiding in the dust
You never even bothered
to clean up
The pieces of my fading soul that had splashed the carpet orange

Her skin was pale
as if she had never seen the sun or bathed in its rays.
She was starting to resemble a monster,
bones protruding like barbed wire
trapped under her lifeless skin.

For her, time had slowed down,
making her move like an old lady
at the age of fifteen

All color had been drained from her world.
Her dreams were vibrant as ever,
but at the rate she was going they would be forever just that.
Dreams.

She was wasting away,
Dangerously close to end up in a grave.
Her smile was forgotten by everyone.

The clouds
Look like they are
Paradise
Pure paradise
I want to run and skip
Over and through them
With you

The withdrawal is killing me
My cells are longing for the warmth of your body
For the feel of your skin on mine
For the vision of you to be on my corneas
My hands are itching to hold yours
My heart feels like it’s caving in upon itself
I can’t breathe
I need to be near you
I need to feel you
I need you
The withdrawal is killing me

The atmosphere is a cage
Keeping us all in
A confiding sphere
Trapping us on this orb
Floating through an echo-less space
A breathtakingly beautiful cosmos we will never reach
As we keep traveling infinitely

This is a supernova
The millisecond before
It explodes
Almost empty space
Bursting with anticipation
And fear
This is nothing,
Yet everything
This is a beginning
And *the end

With your smile
you tear down my walls
and
my foundations,
Leaving me naked
Bare
Standing on an ledge smaller than my feet

Smile
and I will fall,
Harder than ever before

Do you remember when we were little?
Do you remember the time
We made snow angels
In May
And mum got upset
Because our clothes were stained by grass
But we didn’t care
We just lay in the grass full of daisies
And looked up
At the endless sea of stars
And it was just a little bit too cold
And a little bit too damp
But we really didn’t care
Because those stars
Those stars
They were the most beautiful things
We had ever seen

And I wish I could live in that world of pastels
Where the dark isn’t as frightening
And the light isn’t as harsh
Where everything is mellow
Drenched in sunlight’s yellow

I wish I could live in a world made of clouds
Where edges aren’t sharp
And curves are forgiving
Where everything is a soft hue
With mountains made of blue

And I wish I could live in that world of light
Where shadows aren’t as dark
And beams are the opposite of hard
Where happiness is bright
A prism made from white

I watch as you make a hole
in my skin
Obsessively pulling out
my stuffing

I can see the fascination in your eyes
as you keep on going
Till I am as hollow
as that teddy bear you always carried around as a kid

The one that was super skinny
because you had hugged it too tight
too often

The one you once joked
had anorexia
As I laughed
even though
I didn’t find it funny

Because I love you
as much as that teddy bear loved you

And because I know
I too will end up like a faded photograph
In an album no one ever looks at
Because everything is digital nowadays
Even memories

If I would have cried
It wouldn’t have shown

I sat on the floor
of the bathroom
trying to warm myself
from the cold

Believing as always
that when you are warm
you feel less alone

I comforted myself
with the fact that
noodles and chocolate
tastes better on the way up
than down

As I thought about that
long look you gave me
when you took your hammer to my heart

If I would have cried
It wouldn’t have shown

I only cry on the inside
There is no use getting your face wet if you are all alone

It feels like I’ve forgotten something
Like there is something I should go back and get
But the truth is that I lost something
And I’ll never find it
It won’t be in a lost-and-found
It won’t be anywhere
I lost
A piece of myself
And I’ll never get it back
Because the part of my life that piece lived in
It is over
And it can’t be repeated
*ever

Words
Have
So much power
You should need
A license
To use them

My head is exploding with words
And stories
But as I open my mouth they tangle
And clog

The pills have gotten easier to swallow
And my anxiety has gotten quieter
But the sadness is still there
Amplified
And I try not to cry in public
But there is always that one tear that escapes
A runaway
And I wish I could follow its lead
And escape this world
Escape the shackles of time
For what is the reason of existing?
If existing is all you do?

I wish I would just cease to exist
Evaporate into nothingness
I want to become tiny water droplets
To be the moisture in the air

I wish to follow the wind
Over the mountains and fields
I want to be the blue in the ocean
And the green in the trees

I wish to fade into the wet grass
Of being nothing more than a whisper
I want to fade out of your memory
Leaving only an echo of a heartbeat

I danced
And I jumped
I let the music take over my body
Like the alcohol had taken over theirs
I let the endorphins make me high
And I danced
Not caring if anybody was watching
I danced
As if music was a drug
And I was an addict

I picture daisies on my grave
Yellow daisies swaying in the tall grass
Above the wooden casket holding my bones
Frozen in a state of perpetual summer

I pretend I am in my mother’s womb
As I curl up into a ball under the covers
But it is a scary thought
Being born again
Fresh
And untainted
As if the moment I step outside the air will pollute me
And I’d have to live it all again

Sometimes I feel a little too happy
A little too intense
For no particular reason at all
And it scares me
Because I feel like I might explode
That the blood pumping through my heart is building pressure
And I know it is unsustainable
I know that I am burning a little too bright
And I am scared that the world will catch on fire
Or that something will happen to extinguish my light

I will leave soon
And this,
This will no longer be home.
But I will be okay,
Not everything is changing.
The sun will be the same.
And the moon,
It will shine just as brightly.
And the stars,
The stars
They
Won’t
Ever
Fade

Walking on a catwalk made of mustard leafs
Under the polluted sky illuminated by the yellow light of man-made stars
Bullets of water piercing my skin, not reaching my bulletproof soul
Every step and every heartbeat in time to the music pumping in my ears
Nothing can destroy me
Nothing
I
Am
Invincible